Jokes from my trashbin

Jeez, fox!! 

My First Condom

I recall my first time with a condom. I was 14. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at Parchen's pharmacy. In those days it took a lot of guts to go in a store and ask for that kind of item because everyone in town knew me and there was no doubt the young lady (I think her name was Nola) knew what they were for.

She was working as an assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was really embarrassed by the whole procedure. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one.

I honestly answered, 'No, not really.'

So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure

I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it were empty. It was. 'Just a minute,' she said, and walked me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. 'Do these excite you?' She asked.

Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was stand there with my mouth open and nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk. 'Well, come on', she said, 'We don't have much time.'

So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful that, unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW, I was done within a few moments.

She looked at me with a bit of a frown. 'Did you put that condom on?' she asked. I said, 'sure did,' and held up my thumb to show her.

Then she beat the shit out of me....

Women have always been hard for me to figure out.

I'm missing having a laugh. Has anyone got any more jokes?

What did one casket say to the other casket?

















Is that you, coffin?

Thanks AMonk, that made me smile.

Before I got married, my wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over 5 years.
So then we decided to get married.
There was only one little thing bothering me, her beautiful younger sister, ??.
my prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts and was, more often than not,... bra-less.
She would regularly bend down when she was near me. I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate, she never did it around anyone else.
One day she called me and asked me to come over. 'To check the wedding invitations' she said.
She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome anymore.
She told me that she wanted me just the once before I got married.
She said, “Before you commit your life to my sister.”
Well, I was in total shock and I couldn't say a word.
She said, “I'm going upstairs to my bedroom. If you want one last wild fling, just come up and have me.”
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.
I stood there for a moment then turned and made a bee-line straight to the front door.
I opened the door and ran as fast as I could straight towards my car.

I then noticed my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!!!
With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me.
He said, “Ian, we are so happy that you have passed our test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family my son!”

The moral of this story is:
ALWAYS KEEP YOUR CONDOMS IN YOUR CAR!!!!....

super.funny.joke!

Thanks fox! Just sent a copy to my D-I-L.

just this week I started the unit on dating with my oral english classes. Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, etc. Ohhh, did I want to use that joke this morning. Must resist temptation. Mussst resisssst. Muuuhsssssst resssissssst.

Bad Day

There I was, sitting at the bar, staring at my drink, when a really big, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink, and gulps it down in one swig.

"Well, whatcha gonna do about it?" he says menacingly, as I burst into tears.

"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can’t stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," I said. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with the gardener, and then my dog bit me, so I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all. I buy a drink, drop the capsule in it, and was sitting here watching the poison dissolve when you show up and drink the whole thing!! But enough about me, how's your day going?"
 

In English class, Miss Kelly Kelly wanted her students to have a say and say a word twice using different meanings in a sentence. Rotten Little Johnny rose his hand and with cheeks of rose said he knew. Miss Kelly Kelly ignored him and went to Peter Peters first.

Peter Peters pondered for a moment then said, "I was very hungry and had nothing to eat but my clothing. So I scarfed my scarf"

Great said Miss Kelly Kelly, who's next? Rotten Little Johnny was eager yet ignored again for Jean Jean.

Jean Jean said the police needed her help to point out and pick the criminal. So she fingered the crook with her finger.

After all the kids had a crack, Miss Kelly Kelly knew Rotten Little Johnny was going to make a crack. Reluctently, she knew he would try her patience, but she let him try.

Rotten Little Johnny finally stood up for what he stood for. With a start he quickly said "Last night," he started, "my dad asked everyone at the dinner table what's new? My sister told us she was pregnant.

'Beautiful' he said, 'just fucking beautiful!'"

Thanks Day Dreamer! I pass a lot of these jokes on to selected members of the Casino staff here in Brisbane. Xwarrior and fox, I passed your last jokes on to the painters and they got a good laugh. I reckon they need a laugh since their job is the never ending painting and repainting of the "den of iniquity". The Security guards always ask me if I have any new jokes and what movies I've seen.

The Harley and vaseline...


Joe wanted to buy a motorcycle.


He doesn't have much luck, until one day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it. The bike looks better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It's shiny and in mint condition. He buys it and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.
  'Well, it's quite simple ,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain" and he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.


  That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there.
  Just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to tell you something about my family. When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the FIRST person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.'


  'No problem,' he says.. And in they go.


  Joe is shocked. Right in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks - dirty dishes.


  They sit down to dinner, and sure enough, no one says a word.
  As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.
  He leans over and kisses Sandra.


  No one says a word.


  He reaches over and fondles her breasts. Nobody says a word.


  So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table and screws her, right there in front of her parents.
  His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.
  He looks at her mom. She's got a great body too.


  Joe grabs mom, bends her over the table, pulls down her panties, and screws her every which way but loose right there on the dinner table.
  She has a big orgasm, & Joe sits down.


  His girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, & Mom is beaming from ear to ear. But still.... Total silence.


  All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.


  Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.


  Suddenly the father shouted. "Alright I'll do the f*ckin' dishes!!"

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15th.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you’ve forgotten?

Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, “Where am I, Cathy?”
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
A: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
___________________________________
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
_____________________________________
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
______________________________________
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
_____________________________________
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
______________________________________
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
______________________________________
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
______________________________________
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
______________________________________
Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
______________________________________
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
______________________________________
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
______________________________________
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere

A duck walks into a bar and asks: "Got any Bread?"

Barman says: "No."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, we have no bread."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, we haven't got any bread!"

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, are you deaf?! We haven't got any bread, and if you ask me again and I'll nail your dang beak to the bar you irritating dang duck!"

Duck says: "Got any nails?"

Barman says: "No"

Duck says: "Got any bread?