CaseyOrourke
Barfly
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Posts: 272
USAF TACP
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« Reply #1005 on: August 20, 2012, 02:14:37 PM » |
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Last one for tonight..... I promise....
HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.
George Phillips , an elderly man, from Meridian, Mississippi, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.
He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?"
He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me.
Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available."
George said, "Okay."
He hung up the phone and counted to 30.
Then he phoned the police again.
"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot them." and he hung up.
Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the Policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"
George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
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Just Like Mr Benn
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« Reply #1006 on: August 22, 2012, 02:21:50 PM » |
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(From the Edinburgh Festival via The Independent)
I was very naieve sexually. My first boyfriend asked me to do mssionary and I buggered off to Africa for 6 months. (Hayley Ellis)
Apparently the average price of a slave worldwide is less than the average price of an Ipod. Fair enough, but you try teaching your slave 12,000 songs. (Mark Nelson)
What do we want? More research into a cure for ADHD. When do we want it? Let's play swingball. (Joe Lycett)
My girlfriend worries about me cheating on a night out, but I always try to reassure her and say to her; 'Why would I go out and have a burger when i have steak at home?' The only problem is, when you are drunk, burgers are well nice. (Rob Beckett)
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Chief
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« Reply #1007 on: August 22, 2012, 07:46:46 PM » |
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I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting.
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Con ate dog
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« Reply #1008 on: October 06, 2012, 02:23:07 PM » |
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And there is no liar like the indignant man... -Nietszche
Nothing is so fatiguing as the eternal hanging on of an uncompleted task. -William James
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AMonk
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« Reply #1009 on: November 12, 2012, 06:16:17 PM » |
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There is a new drink that is taking NYC by "storm". It's called "The Sandy". Like a Manhattan, only watered down  |
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Moderation....in most things...
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CaseyOrourke
Barfly
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Posts: 272
USAF TACP
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« Reply #1010 on: November 22, 2012, 12:52:11 PM » |
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A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.
Every word out of the bird’s’ mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.
John tried and tried to change the bird’s attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to ‘clean up’ the bird’s vocabulary.
Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude.
John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.
For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.
Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
Fearing that he’d hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John’s outstretched arms and said:
“I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I’m sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my despicable and unforgivable behavior.”
John was stunned at the change in the bird’s attitude.
As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very softly,….
“May I ask what the turkey did?”
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Stil
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Posts: 3997
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« Reply #1011 on: November 23, 2012, 03:11:57 AM » |
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A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.
Every word out of the bird’s’ mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.
John tried and tried to change the bird’s attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to ‘clean up’ the bird’s vocabulary.
Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude.
John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.
For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.
Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
Fearing that he’d hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John’s outstretched arms and said:
“I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I’m sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my despicable and unforgivable behavior.”
John was stunned at the change in the bird’s attitude.
As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very softly,….
“May I ask what the turkey did?”
I've used that textbook before. |
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Calach Pfeffer
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Posts: 2834
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« Reply #1012 on: November 24, 2012, 07:05:29 AM » |
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A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator.
At a morning press conference, Attorney General Eric Holder said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.'Al-Gebra is a problem for us', the Attorney General said.
'They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values.' They use secret code names like 'X' and 'Y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'There are 3 sides to every triangle'.
When asked to comment on the arrest, President Obama said, 'If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, he would have given us more fingers and toes.' White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the President. It is believed that another Nobel Prize will follow.
/Republicans wrote this joke.
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Calach Pfeffer
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« Reply #1014 on: November 24, 2012, 10:34:09 AM » |
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The Obama bit seemed out of context tho, so....
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A-Train
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Posts: 962
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« Reply #1015 on: December 18, 2012, 03:57:37 AM » |
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During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners,
asked her students the following question:
'Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how
would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?'
Michael said: 'Just a minute I have to go pee.'
The teacher responded by saying:
'That would be rude and impolite.
What about you Sherman, how would you say it?'
Sherman said:
'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom.
I'll be right back.'
'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the
word bathroom at the dinner table.
And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your
good manners?'
Johnny said:
'I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a
moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope
to introduce you to after dinner.'
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"The young do not know enough to be prudent, and therefore attempt the impossible and achieve it, generation after generation.
Pearl S. Buck
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Granny Mae
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« Reply #1016 on: January 27, 2013, 10:29:26 PM » |
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A sexy young woman was sitting next to a guy in a plane. After a little while,she said to him: "Can you help me remove something from my breasts please?" The excited young man replied, "Wow! it would be my pleasure - so what is it?" Her reply:
"Your eyes, moron!"
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Pashley
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Posts: 1604
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« Reply #1017 on: January 31, 2013, 10:50:26 PM » |
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One I liked, from today's email:
An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they’d shared, where Andy had carved “I love you, Sally .”
On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money-fifty thousand dollars! Andy said, “We’ve got to give it back.” Sally said, “Finders keepers.” She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.
The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door. “Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?” Sally said, “No”. Andy said, “She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic. Sally said, “Don’t believe him, he’s getting senile”
The agents turned to Andy and began to question him. One said: “Tell us the story from the beginning.” Andy said, “Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday ....” The first police officer turned to his partner and said, “We’re outta here!”
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Who put a stop payment on my reality check?
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CaseyOrourke
Barfly
Gender:
Posts: 272
USAF TACP
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« Reply #1018 on: February 03, 2013, 06:08:10 AM » |
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In honor of Groundhog day,
I was eating breakfast with my Granddaughter, whom, I must admit is a pretty smart kid.
I asked her; "What day is tomorrow?"
She answered; "It's President's day!"
I asked; "What does President's Day mean?"
I waited to see if she talked about Lincoln, or Washington...
She replied; "Presidents day is when President Obama steps out of the White House, and if he sees his shadow, we have four more years of Bullshit".
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You know, It HURTS when hot coffee spurts out your nose
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dragonsaver
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« Reply #1019 on: February 04, 2013, 12:46:47 PM » |
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Be kind to dragons for thou are crunchy when roasted and taste good with brie.
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