Raoul's China Saloon (V5.0) Beta

The Bar Room => The Champagne Cabana => Topic started by: Con ate dog on April 16, 2007, 06:17:38 PM

Title: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Con ate dog on April 16, 2007, 06:17:38 PM
How many men does it take to change a lightbulb?

None.  Real men aren't afraid of the dark.

Okay, haven't received any e-jokes lately, but I'm as vain as the next guy, and I want credit for starting this thread.

Anybody got a semi-good joke?
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: teleplayer on April 18, 2007, 06:12:24 AM
How many men does it take to change a lightbulb?

None.  Real men aren't afraid of the dark.

Okay, haven't received any e-jokes lately, but I'm as vain as the next guy, and I want credit for starting this thread.

Anybody got a semi-good joke?

Congrats, Con. You got first post!!
It's an old "blond" joke but not a total "groaner."

Once upon a time, a blonde became so sick of hearing blonde jokes that she had her hair cut and dyed brown.

A few days later, as she was out driving around the countryside, she stopped her car to let a flock of sheep pass.

Admiring the cute wooly creatures, she said to the shepherd, "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one?"

The shepherd, always the gentleman, said, "Sure!"

The blonde thought for a moment and, for no discernible reason, said, "352."

This being the correct number, the shepherd was, understandably, totally amazed, and exclaimed, "You're right! O.K., I'll keep to my end of the deal. Take your pick of my flock."

The blonde carefully considered the entire flock and finally picked the one that was by far cuter and more playful than any of the others.

When she was done, the shepherd turned to her and said, "O.K., now I have a proposition for you. If I can guess your true hair color, can I have my dog back?"
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: teleplayer on April 18, 2007, 06:15:54 AM
Oh, I posted on other site but why not keep it moving.

Subject: Who is working in USA?


Who's working anyway?

The population of this country is 300 million.

160 million are retired.

That leaves 140 million to do the work.

There are 85 million in school.

Which leaves 55 million to do the work.

Of this there are 35 million employed by the federal government.

Leaving 15 million to do the work.

2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing Osama Bin-Laden.

Which leaves 12.2 million to do the work.

Take from that total the 10.8 million people who work for state and city governments.

And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.

At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.

Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.

That leaves just two people to do the work.

You and me.

And there you are, sitting on your ass, at your computer, reading jokes.

Nice. Real nice.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: teleplayer on April 19, 2007, 07:43:44 AM
I sure hope this works for those of you in China.

"Peep" show.
http://tinyurl.com/2co752 (http://tinyurl.com/2co752)
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: George on April 19, 2007, 10:55:45 AM
"Peeps" are marshmallows??.or jelly beans???
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: teleplayer on April 19, 2007, 12:22:03 PM
"Peeps" are marshmallows??.or jelly beans???

Those yukkie marshmallow things that never die.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: teleplayer on April 19, 2007, 01:17:07 PM
Why is Duct Tape like "the Force" (as in "Star Wars)?"











It has a light side and a dark side and it holds the universe together. bpbpbpbpbp
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Lone Traveller on April 19, 2007, 06:59:53 PM
 bibibibibi
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: George on April 20, 2007, 11:31:37 AM
A man's car broke down as he was driving past a beautiful, old monastery. He walked up the drive and knocked on the front door of the monastery. A monk answered, listened to the man's story and graciously invited him to spend the night.

The monks fed the man and led him to a tiny chamber in which to sleep. The man thanked the monks and slept serenely until he was awakened by a strange, beautiful sound. The next morning, as the monks repaired his car, he asked about the sound that woke him. The monks said, We're sorry. We can't tell you about the sound. You're not a monk. The man was disappointed, but eager to be gone, so he thanked the monks for their kindness and went on his way. During quiet moments afterward, the man pondered the source of the alluring sound.

Several years later, the man was driving in the same area. He stopped at the monastery on a whim and asked admittance. He explained to the monks that he had so enjoyed his previous stay, he wondered if he might be permitted to spend another night under their peaceful roof. The monks agreed and the man stayed. Late that night, he heard the sound again. The next morning, he begged the monks to explain the sound. The monks said, "We're sorry. We can't tell you about the sound. You're not a monk. "

By now, the man's curiosity had turned to obsession. He decided to give up everything and become a monk if that was the only way to learn about the sound. He informed the monks of his decision and began the long and arduous task of becoming a monk.

Seventeen years later, the man was finally established as a true member of the order. When the celebration ended, he humbly went to the leader of the order and asked to be told the source of the sound. Silently, the old monk led the new monk to a huge wooden door. He opened the door with a golden key. That door swung open to reveal a second door of silver, then a third of gold and so on until they had passed through twelve doors, each more magnificent than the last. The new monk's face was awash with tears of joy as he finally beheld the wondrous source of the mysterious sound he had heard so many years before....

...but I can't tell you what it was. You're not a monk.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: George on April 20, 2007, 11:56:09 AM
Not really a joke, but amazingly ironic!!

(http://photobucket.com/albums/v112/gingermeggs/rs012.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Lone Traveller on April 20, 2007, 04:45:22 PM
Oh dear!
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: AMonk on April 20, 2007, 10:46:29 PM
A man's car broke down as he was driving past a beautiful, old monastery. He walked up the drive and knocked on the front door of the monastery. A monk answered, listened to the man's story and graciously invited him to spend the night.

The monks fed the man and led him to a tiny chamber in which to sleep. The man thanked the monks and slept serenely until he was awakened by a strange, beautiful sound. The next morning, as the monks repaired his car, he asked about the sound that woke him. The monks said, We're sorry. We can't tell you about the sound. You're not a monk. The man was disappointed, but eager to be gone, so he thanked the monks for their kindness and went on his way. During quiet moments afterward, the man pondered the source of the alluring sound.

Several years later, the man was driving in the same area. He stopped at the monastery on a whim and asked admittance. He explained to the monks that he had so enjoyed his previous stay, he wondered if he might be permitted to spend another night under their peaceful roof. The monks agreed and the man stayed. Late that night, he heard the sound again. The next morning, he begged the monks to explain the sound. The monks said, "We're sorry. We can't tell you about the sound. You're not a monk. "

By now, the man's curiosity had turned to obsession. He decided to give up everything and become a monk if that was the only way to learn about the sound. He informed the monks of his decision and began the long and arduous task of becoming a monk.

Seventeen years later, the man was finally established as a true member of the order. When the celebration ended, he humbly went to the leader of the order and asked to be told the source of the sound. Silently, the old monk led the new monk to a huge wooden door. He opened the door with a golden key. That door swung open to reveal a second door of silver, then a third of gold and so on until they had passed through twelve doors, each more magnificent than the last. The new monk's face was awash with tears of joy as he finally beheld the wondrous source of the mysterious sound he had heard so many years before....

...but I can't tell you what it was. You're not a monk.


....But George...I AM AMonk....you can tell me!!
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: George on April 20, 2007, 11:09:22 PM
Quote
But George...I AM AMonk....you can tell me!!
I knew this was gunna happen!! Unfortunately, I am not a monk, so I don't actually know! Sorry!!!!! bibibibibi
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Bugalugs on April 24, 2007, 11:23:19 PM
Why Women get CRANKY!!!!!


We start to "bud" in our blouses at 9 or 10 years old only to find anything that comes in contact with those tender, blooming buds hurts so bad it brings us to tears. Enter the almighty, uncomfortable training bra contraption the boys in school will snap until we have calluses on our backs.

Next, we get our periods in our early to mid-teens (or sooner). Along with those budding boobs, we now bloat, we cramp, we get the hormone crankies, have to wear little mattresses between our legs or insert tubular, packed cotton rods in places we didn't even know we had.

Our next little rite of passage (premarital or not) is having sex for the first time, which is about as much fun as having a ramrod push your uterus through your nostrils (IF he did it right and didn't end up with his little cart before his horse), leaving us to wonder what all the fuss was about.

Then it's off to Motherhood where we learn to live on dry crackers and water for a few months so we don't spend the entire day leaning over Brother John. Of course, amazing creatures that we are (and we are), we learn to live with the growing little angels inside us steadily kicking our innards night and day, making us wonder if we're having Rosemary's Baby. Our once flat bellies now look like we swallowed a watermelon whole and we pee our pants every time we sneeze. (The latter condition never goes away, either...lots of times, neither does the former.)

When the big moment arrives, the dam in our blessed Nether Regions will invariably burst right in the middle of the mall and we'll waddle with our big cartoon feet, moaning in pain all the way to the ER. Then it's huff and puff and beg to die while the OB says, "Please stop screaming, Mrs. Hearmeroar. Calm down and push. Just one or (or 10) good push," warranting a strong, well-deserved impulse to punch the bastard (and hubby) square in the nose for making us cram a wiggling, mushroom-headed 10 lb. bowing ball through a keyhole.

After that, it's time to raise those angels, only to find that when all that "cute" wears off, the beautiful little darlings morph into walking, jabbering, wet, gooey, snot-blowing, life-sucking little poop machines.

The teen years. Need I say more?

The kids are almost grown now and we women hit our voracious sexual prime in our mid-30's to early 40's while hubby had his somewhere around his 18th birthday (which just happens to be the reason all that early, hot, man sex got you pregnant in the first place).

Now we hit the grand finale: Menopause. The Grandmother of all womanhood. It's either take the HRT and chance cancer in those now seasoned "buds" or the aforementioned Nether Regions, or sweat like a hog in July, wash your sheets and pillowcases daily and bite the head off of anything that moves.

Now, you ask WHY women seem to be more spiteful than men when men get off so easy INCLUDING the icing on life's cake: Being able to pee in the woods without soaking their socks...

Now, I love being a woman but "Womanhood" would make the Great Ghandi a tad crabby.

Women are the weaker sex?

Yeah, right. Bite me.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: AMonk on April 25, 2007, 12:18:33 AM
3 old men are walking down the road.

"Windy today, isn't it?" mentions the first.
"No.  It's Thursday," says the second.
"Me, too.  There's a bar over there.  Let's go," suggests the third.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Lone Traveller on April 25, 2007, 07:37:46 PM
Ahh such finely tuned listening skills men have.  axaxaxaxax
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Motzie on April 26, 2007, 01:28:14 PM
I LOVE the old men joke, best one I've heard in a while  agagagagag
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Mr Nobody on April 26, 2007, 03:38:20 PM
I've heard a slightly different version.

Two men meet in a bar, one with a name tag saying "Mr Smith".
"Hi, nice to meet you," looks at name tag "Mr Smith"
"Oh, don't call me Mr Smith."
"So what should I call you?"
"Well, some people call me Thomas, some call me Tom. But you can call me Thursday."
"Thursday?"
"I sure am. I'll have a pint. Thanks for offering."
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Motzie on April 26, 2007, 04:49:32 PM
 bibibibibi oh yeah I like that one  bkbkbkbkbk bkbkbkbkbk
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Lone Traveller on April 26, 2007, 07:29:21 PM
 bibibibibi Such bad jokes in circulation these days.  ahahahahah Still make you smile though.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Motzie on April 27, 2007, 12:46:27 PM
the more dodgy the joke ..the more it makes me laugh  bibibibibi
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: cheekygal on April 27, 2007, 04:49:00 PM
Two oranges are laying on the road.
One says to another: "SQUEEEZEEE MEEEE!"
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: cheekygal on April 27, 2007, 04:49:32 PM
What? You said you like dodgy jokes!  afafafafaf
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Lone Traveller on April 27, 2007, 06:14:46 PM
Who me?
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: decurso on April 27, 2007, 08:24:28 PM
 Not really a joke but I don't know where to put this..

 My headmaster just came through with my recmmendation letter.Thank god he wrote one in Chinese as well.My favourite passage is..."Somebody calls him egghead.We compare him as a cow.We always milk him though he eats grass"

 Hmmmm.If I'd known they were milking me and feeding me grass I'd have left a long time ago.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Stil on April 27, 2007, 09:33:44 PM
Not really a joke but I don't know where to put this..

 My headmaster just came through with my recmmendation letter.Thank god he wrote one in Chinese as well.My favourite passage is..."Somebody calls him egghead.We compare him as a cow.We always milk him though he eats grass"

 Hmmmm.If I'd known they were milking me and feeding me grass I'd have left a long time ago.

Oh yeah, the Chinese translation sounds much better than that!  kkkkkkkkkk
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Lone Traveller on April 27, 2007, 11:06:00 PM
I'd be wondering exactly what that Chinese version said... a little scary being told you're a cow. ???
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: George on April 28, 2007, 03:03:43 AM
A teacher asks her class to use the word "contagious". Roland the teacher's pet, gets up and says, "Last year I got the measles and my mum said it was contagious." "Well done, Roland," says the teacher. "Can anyone else try?" Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, "My grandma says there's a bug going round, and it's contagious." "Well done, Katie," says the teacher. "Anyone else?" Little Irish Sean jumps up and says in a broad Dublin accent, "Our next door neighbour is painting his house with a 2 inch brush, and my dad says it will take the contagious."
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: decurso on April 28, 2007, 05:04:29 AM
I'd be wondering exactly what that Chinese version said... a little scary being told you're a cow. ???

Not half as scary as being milked
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: AMonk on April 28, 2007, 08:23:30 AM
Just so long as he's not the udder one!!
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Vegemite on April 28, 2007, 06:19:17 PM
Apologies to the Irish...

Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night

 

Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Lone Traveller on April 28, 2007, 06:29:18 PM
bkbkbkbkbk ahahahahah ahahahahah Poor Irish cop a beating don't they.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: AMonk on April 28, 2007, 07:29:57 PM
Why are the Irish jokes so stupid?










........So's the English will understand them!!!
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Lone Traveller on April 28, 2007, 11:08:56 PM
Oooh AM.... Thems fighten words...  ahahahahah
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Stil on April 29, 2007, 01:19:19 AM
Oooh AM.... Thems fighten words...  ahahahahah

Naw, don't worry, They won't understand.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: cheekygal on May 03, 2007, 03:59:28 AM
This is a look at what the United States was like 100 years ago. 

The year was 1907, one hundred years ago.  What a difference a century
makes!

Here are some of the U.S. Statistics for the Year 1907: 

The average life expectancy in the U.S. Was 47 years old.

Only 14 percent of the homes in the U.S. Had a bathtub.

Only 8 percent of the homes had a telephone.

A three-minute call from Denver to New York City cost eleven dollars.

There were only 8,000 cars in the U.S. , and only 144 miles of paved
roads.

The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph.

Alabama, Mississippi, Iowa, and Tennessee were each more heavily
populated than California with a mere 1.4 million people, California was
only the 21st most populous state in the Union.

The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower !

The average wage in the U..S. Was 22 Cents per hour.

The average U.S. Worker made between $200 and $400 per year.

A competent accountant could expect to earn $2000 per year,

a dentist made $2,500 per year,

a veterinarian $1,500 per year,

and a mechanical engineer about $5,000 per year.

More than 95 percent of all births in the U.S. took place at home.

Ninety percent of all U.S. Doctors had NO COLLEGE EDUCATION!

Instead, they attended so-called medical schools, many of which were
condemned

in the press AND by the government as "substandard."

Sugar cost four cents a pound. Eggs were fourteen cents a dozen.

Coffee was fifteen cents a pound.

Most women only washed their hair once a month, and used Borax or
egg yolks for shampoo.

Canada passed a law that prohibited poor people from entering into their
country for any reason.

Five leading causes of death in the U.S. were:

  1. Pneumonia and influenza

  2. Tuberculosis

  3. Diarrhea

  4. Heart disease

  5. Stroke

The American flag had 45 stars.  Arizona, Oklahoma, New Mexico, Hawaii,
and
Alaska hadn't been admitted to the Union yet.

The population of Las Vegas , Nevada , was only 30!!!!

Crossword puzzles and ice tea hadn't been invented yet.

There was no Mother's Day or Father's Day.

Two out of every 10 U.S. Adults couldn't read or write.

Only 6 percent of all Americans had
 graduated from high school.

Marijuana, heroin, and morphine were all available over the counter
at the local corner drugstores. Back then pharmacists Said, "Heroin
clears the complexion, gives buoyancy to the mind, regulates the stomach and
bowels, and is, in fact, a perfect guardian of health."

There were about 230 reported murders in the entire U.S.A.!

Now reading it is a matter of just seconds!!  Others all over the
United States and possibly the world could also receive it in a matter
of just seconds !!!

Just try to imagine.....

What it may be like ....

In another 100 years !!!!!!!

IT STAGGERS THE MIND !!!!!!!!!

And now try to imagine what will happen with China in 100 years aoaoaoaoao           
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: AMonk on May 04, 2007, 12:00:54 AM
Why don't oysters give to Charity?.....because they're shellfish!






How do you make a Hotdog Stand?........take away his chair!!!!




My new Motto --- "Mother" is a Verb, not a Noun.

Spotted on a sign:  Yard Sale. 7am--until my wife lets me back in the house!





Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Mr Nobody on May 05, 2007, 04:11:19 PM
Last year I used the post Cheeky put up as a class, comparing China's developmental progress to this. It worked out ok.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Lone Traveller on May 09, 2007, 09:54:15 PM
 bkbkbkbkbk

Love the redneck pick up lines.  bfbfbfbfbf Reminds me of some people I know back home...   bibibibibi
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Lone Traveller on May 10, 2007, 03:48:59 AM
BLIND MAN IN A BIKER BAR

A blind man wanders into an all girls biker bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee.

After sitting there for awhile, he yells to the server,
"Hey, you wanna hear a blond joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very
deep, husky voice the woman next to him says,

"Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only fair,
given that you're blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blond girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blond girl.

3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. blond woman with a
black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blond and a
professional weightlifter.

5. The lady to your right is blond and a
professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Mister.
Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes
his head,and mutters,

"No... Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Con ate dog on May 10, 2007, 08:44:29 PM

      Why, Why, Why 

...do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?

Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough money?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your
first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right"? Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot"?

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

And my FAVORITE......
       The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends - if they're okay, then it's you.

Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Newbs on May 10, 2007, 10:55:47 PM
Quote
Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough money?
YESSSS!
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Mr Nobody on May 11, 2007, 05:11:35 AM
If you want to know the answers to Con's questions, just send a SAE with 20AUD or the equivalent in other currencies to the following address:

Mr N,
Centre of the Universe,
Post code 0000000001
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Mr Nobody on May 11, 2007, 05:53:18 AM
If you want to know the answers to Con's questions, just send a SAE with 20AUD or the equivalent in other currencies to the following address:

Mr N,
Centre of the Universe,
Post code 0000000001
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: dragonsaver on May 12, 2007, 12:32:58 AM
Double posting to get up the post count Mr Nobody  ahahahahah
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Lone Traveller on May 12, 2007, 03:20:29 PM
yeah dont think we didn't notice mr N.  axaxaxaxax
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Lone Traveller on May 12, 2007, 03:21:11 PM
yeah dont think we didn't notice mr N.   axaxaxaxax
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: George on May 12, 2007, 03:24:55 PM
A young man named Murphy applied for an engineering position at an Irish firm based in Dublin. An Australian applied for the same job and both applicants, having the same qualifications, were asked to take a test by the Department manager. Upon completion of the test both men had only missed one of the questions. The manager went to Murphy and said,
"Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the Australian the job."

Murphy: "And why would you be doing that? We both got 9 questions correct. This being Ireland and me being Irish I should get the job!" Manager: "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed." Murphy: "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?" Manager: "Simple. On question #5 the Australian put down, 'I don't know.' You put down
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Lone Traveller on May 12, 2007, 10:54:38 PM
 bkbkbkbkbk Nice one George.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: cheekygal on May 13, 2007, 08:45:37 AM
How dirty of jokes can we post here?
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: George on May 13, 2007, 12:56:18 PM
Quote
How dirty of jokes can we post here

 ahahahahah ahahahahah Depends on how dirty your mind is!!
This lady goes to the drug store to buy her husband some toiletries. A clerk comes up to her and asks if she needs some assistance. "I'm looking for some deodorant for my new husband," she says, "but I don't know what type he uses." "Is it the ball type?" The clerk asks. "No," replies the lady, "it's for his underarms."
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: dragonsaver on May 13, 2007, 03:14:33 PM
 bkbkbkbkbk axaxaxaxax
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: cheekygal on May 13, 2007, 04:03:09 PM
Ummm nah. I decided to wait for the LL to open  afafafafaf
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: AMonk on May 14, 2007, 08:41:37 PM
OUCH!!!! cbcbcbcbcb
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Con ate dog on May 15, 2007, 07:14:24 PM
 bkbkbkbkbk particular the first one.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Bugalugs on May 15, 2007, 07:51:52 PM
Can you find the 'C' ???  (Good exercise for the eyes!)
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOCOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Once you've found the C..........Find the 6!
9999999999999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999999999999
9999699999999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999999999999
Once you've found the 6...Find the N! (it's hard!!)
MMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMNMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMM
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: dragonsaver on May 15, 2007, 10:34:16 PM
I found them very fast - so I guess my poor eyes can still see. bfbfbfbfbf
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Newbs on May 15, 2007, 10:48:44 PM
TThhaannkkss  bbuuggaalluuggss..  TTrroouubbllee iiss tthhaatt nnooww II''mm sseeiinngg aatt lleeaasstt ddoouubbllee. uuuuuuuuuu uuuuuuuuuu
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Bugalugs on May 16, 2007, 12:50:42 AM
"True" Friendship

None of that Sissy Crap!

Are you tired of those sissy "friendship" poems that always sound good, but never actually come close to reality?

Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship.

You will see no cutesy little smiley faces on this card-

Just the stone cold truth of our great friendship.

1. When you are sad -- I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against  the sorry bast ard who made you sad.

2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

3. When you smile -- I will know you finally got laid.

4. When you are scared -- I will rag on you about it every chance I get.

5. When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about how much  worse it could be until you quit whining.

6. When you are confused -- I will use little words.

7. When you are sick -- Stay the hell away from me until you are well  again. I don't want whatever you have.

8. When you fall -- I will point and laugh at your clumbsy ass.

9. This is my oath.... I pledge it to the end. "Why?" you may ask;  "because you are my friend".

Friendship is like peeing your pants:

everyone can see it,

But only you can feel the true warmth.

Send this to 10 of your closest friends,

Then get depressed because you can only think of 4.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Bugalugs on May 17, 2007, 07:27:45 PM
Who is the Leader of China??

George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?

Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.

George: Great. Lay it on me.

Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.

George: That's what I want to know.

Condi: That's what I'm telling you.

George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?

Condi: Yes.

George: I mean the fellow's name.

Condi: Hu.

George: The guy in China.

Condi: Hu.

George: The new leader of China.

Condi: Hu.

George: The main man in China!

Condi: Hu is leading China.

George: Now whaddya' asking me for?

Condi: I'm telling you, Hu is leading China.

George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?

Condi: That's the man's name.

George: That's who's name?

Condi: Yes.

George: Will you, or will you not, tell me the name of the new leader
of China?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he's dead in the
Middle East.

Condi: That's correct.

George: Then who is in China?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir is in China?

Condi: No, sir.

George: Then who is?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir?

Condi: No, sir.

George: Look Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of
China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.

Condi: Kofi?

George: No, thanks.

Condi: You want Kofi?

George: No.

Condi: You don't want Kofi.

George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk.
And then get me the U.N.

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.

Condi: Kofi?

George: Milk! Will you please make the call?

Condi: And call who?

George: Who is the guy at the U.N?

Condi: Hu is the guy in China

George: Will you stay out of China?!

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the
U.N.

Condi: Kofi.

George: All right! With cream and two sugars.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Bugalugs on May 17, 2007, 07:59:01 PM

1.  Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.
2.  Alfred Hitchcock didn't have a belly button.
3.  A pack-a-day smoker will lose approximately 2 teeth every 10 years.
4.  People do not get sick from cold weather; it's from being indoors a lot more.
5.  When you sneeze, all bodily functions stop, even your heart!
6.  Only 7 per cent of the population are lefties.
7.  Forty people are sent to the hospital for dog bites every minute.
8.  Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until they are 2-6 years old.
9.  The average person over 50 will have spent 5 years waiting in lines.
10.  The toothbrush was invented in 1498.
11.  The average housefly lives for one month.
12.  40,000 Americans are injured by toilets each year.
13.  A coat hanger is 44 inches long when straightened.
14.  The average computer user blinks 7 times a minute.
15.  Your feet are bigger in the afternoon than any other time of day.
16.  Most of us have eaten a spider in our sleep.
17.  The REAL reason ostriches stick their head in the sand is to search for water.
18.  The only two animals that can see behind themselves without turning their heads are the rabbit and the parrot.
19.  John Travolta turned down the starring roles in "An Officer and a Gentleman" and "Tootsie."
20.  Michael Jackson owns the rights to the South Carolina State anthem.
21.  In most television commercials advertising milk, a mixture of white paint and a little thinner is used in place of the milk.
22.  Prince Charles and Prince William NEVER travel on the same airplane, just in case there is a crash.
23.  The first Harley Davidson motorcycle built in 1903 used a tomato can for a carburetor.
24.  Most hospitals make money by selling the umbilical cords cut from women who give birth. They are used in vein transplant surgery.
25.  Humphrey Bogart was related to Princess Diana. They were 7th cousins.
26.  If coloring weren't added to Coca-Cola, it would be green.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Bugalugs on May 17, 2007, 10:53:43 PM
State Slogans:

Alabama:
At Least We're not Mississippi

Alaska:
11,623 Eskimos Can't be Wrong!

Arizona:
But It's a Dry Heat

Arkansas:
Litterasy Ain't Everthing

California:
As Seen on TV

Colorado:
If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother

Connecticut:
Like Massachusetts, Only Dirtier and With Less Character

Delaware:
We Really Do Like the Chemicals in our Water

Florida:
Ask Us About Our Grandkids

Georgia:
Without Atlanta we're Alabama

Hawaii:
Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru
(Death to Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)

Idaho:
More Than Just Potatoes...
Well Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good

Illinois:
Please Don't Pronounce the "S"

Indiana:
2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free

Iowa:
We Do Amazing Things With Corn

Kansas:
First Of The Rectangle States

Kentucky:
Five Million People; Seven Last Names

Louisiana:
We're Not All Drunk Cajun Wackos,
But That's Our Tourism Campaign

Maine:
We're Really Cold,
But We Have Cheap Lobster

Maryland:
A Thinking Man's Delaware

Massachusetts:
Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's

Michigan:
First Line of Defense From the Canadians

Minnesota:
10,000 Lakes and 10,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes

Mississippi:
Come Feel Better About Your Own State

Missouri:
Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars at Work

Montana:
Land of the Big Sky, the Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies, and Very Little Else

Nebraska:
Ask About Our State Motto Contest

Nevada:
Whores and Poker!

New Hampshire:
Go Away and Leave Us Alone

New Jersey:
You Want a ##$%##! Motto?
I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!

New Mexico:
Lizards Make Excellent Pets

New York:
You Have the Right to Remain Silent, You Have the Right to an Attorney...

North Carolina:
Tobacco is a Vegetable

North Dakota:
We Really are One of the 50 States!

Ohio:
We Wish We Were In Michigan

Oklahoma:
Like the Play, only No Singing

Oregon:
Spotted Owl... It's What's For Dinner

Pennsylvania:
Cook With Coal

Rhode Island:
We're Not REALLY An Island

South Carolina:
We Have Never Actually Surrendered to the North

South Dakota:
Closer Than North Dakota

Tennessee:
The Educashun State

Texas:
A Whole 'Nother Country!

Utah:
Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus

Vermont:
Yep

Virginia:
Who Says Government Stiffs and Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?

Washington:
Help! We're Overrun By Nerds and Slackers!

Washington, D.C.:
Wanna Be Mayor?

West Virginia:
One Big Happy Family -- Really!

Wisconsin:
Come Cut Our Cheese

Wyoming:
Wynot?
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Bugalugs on May 17, 2007, 11:01:22 PM
 Synonyms to Drunk

- A couple of chapters into the novel

- Alcoholled

- Ambushed

- Annihilated

- A public mess

- A weeble (you know, they wobble but they don't fall down)

- Backwards

- Banged up on sauce (England)

- Bassackwards

- Beligerant

- Bent

- Besoffen (German)

- Besotted

- Bladdered

- Blitzed

- Blitzkrieged

- Blotto

- Blowin' a 2

- Bombarded

- Bombed

- Borracho (Spanish)

- Brahms (pissed cockney ryming slang east London)

- Broken

- Bullet (Tennessee)

- Butt wasted

- Buzzed

- Canceled

- Chemically imbalanced

- Comblasted

- Comblinded

- Cracked

- Cranked

- Crocked

- Cued up

- Derailed

- Down the creek

- Drita (Norwegian)

- Embalmed

- Fermented

- Floatin'

- Frayed

- Fubar

- Fucked up

- Fully kroizoned

- Furschnickered

- Gansado (Portuguese)

- Gone

- Gone Borneo

- Hammered

- Happy

- Has a package on

- Hummin'

- Humored

- Hurting a turtle

- Impaired

- In a ditch

- Inebriated

- Influenced

- In rare form

- Intoxicated

- Jazzed

- Jiggered

- Just south of bejesus

- Keilazarus (Holland)

- Keyed

- K.O.'d

- Lazarus (Holland)

- Leanin'

- Leaked

- Leg-less

- Licked

- Liquored up

- Lit

- Lit up

- Loaded

- Locked

- Logged (Canadian, eh)

- Looped

- Lubed up

- Lushed

- Marinated

- Mareado (Spanish)

- Messed up

- Mingin'(Scottish)

- Not so Farfrompuken

- Off of his trolley

- Off ya face (Australia)

- Off ya nut (Australia)

- Ossified

- Out of his tree (Australia)

- Out of it

- Pealaid (S. Louisiana)

- Pickled

- Pie eyed

- Pished out his face

- Pissed

- Pissed a newt

- Pissin'

- Plastered

- Plowed over

- Poegaai (South African)

- Poisoned

- Polluted

- Possessed

- Put one on

- Quaffed

- Rat-arsed (London)

- Redirected

- Reekin' (Scottish)

- Ripped

- Rocked

- Rooked

- Roped

- Saturated

- Sauced

- Schlonkered

- Schnockered

- Schtumphy

- Scuppered

- Screwed

- Seasoned

- Shellacked

- Shickered (Aussie)

- Shit faced

- Shithoused

- Silly

- Slambasted

- Slammed

- Slickered

- Slobbered

- Sloshed

- Sloppy

- Slozzled

- Smashed

- Smoked

- Smuckered

- Smurfed Up

- Snockered

- Soaked

- So lit you could read by him

- So wet he ripples

- Sodden

- Soused

- Spanked

- Squashed

- Squiffy

- Stewed

- Stoned

- Stooped

- Stupid

- Stupified

- Tanked

- Tatered

- Tepo (Spanish)

- Three sheets to the wind

- Throwed off

- Tied one on

- Tipped

- Tipsey

- Toasted

- Topped off

- To' up from the flo' up

- Toxic

- Tuned up

- Trashed

- Trounced

- Tweeked

- Under the influence

- Unsober

- Wasted

- Well oiled

- Wet

- Wicked retarded (Boston)

- Wobbly

- Wrecked

- Zipped

- Zonked
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: cheekygal on May 18, 2007, 12:03:40 AM
Bugs is on a fun sprea!!!  ahahahahah
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Bugalugs on May 18, 2007, 12:13:45 AM
Yep want everyone to be in as good a mood as i am :)
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Stil on May 18, 2007, 12:22:41 AM
Yep want everyone to be in as good a mood as i am :)

Then pass the bottle you lush!
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: cheekygal on May 18, 2007, 12:28:48 AM
Good mood only happens from excessive drinking????
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: AMonk on May 18, 2007, 12:36:11 AM
No.  But high spirits are often related to spiritous intake!!










....and the expression "Get Happy" = get drunk
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Bugalugs on May 18, 2007, 12:43:26 AM
Im at work so NO NO NO drinking....well that's what i tell the boss.

Cause stil asked sooooo nicely, THIS ROUND IS ON ME!!!!
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Stil on May 18, 2007, 12:54:18 AM
Good mood only happens from excessive drinking????

There are other ways. Care to help out cheeks?  uuuuuuuuuu
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Bugalugs on May 18, 2007, 12:54:56 AM
 Chinese Proverbs
Some are a little bad taste....

1. Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.

2. Man who run in front of car get tired.

3. Man who run behind car get exhausted.

4. Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.

5. Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.

6. Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.

7. Man with one chopstick go hungry.

8. Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.

9. Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

10. Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.

11. Panties not best thing on earth but next to best thing on earth.

12. War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.

13. Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.

14. Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

15. It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.

16. Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.

17. Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

18. Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

19. Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

20. Man who fart in church sit in own pew.

21. Crowded elevator smell different to midget.

22. Man who drop watch in toilet have shitty time.

23. Man who finger girl having period get caught red handed.

24. Man trapped in pantry have ass in jam.

25. Man who go to bed with itchy butt wake up with smelly finger.

26. Learn to masturbate -- come in handy.

27. Man who buy drowned cat must pay for wet pussy.

28. It is good for girl to meet boy in park, but better for boy to park meat in girl.

29. Man who jizz in cash register come into money.

30. Woman who pounce on dead rooster go down on limp cock.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Lone Traveller on May 18, 2007, 01:11:30 AM
 ahahahahah Thanks Bugs. This one always makes me laugh.  ahahahahah
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: AMonk on May 18, 2007, 01:23:48 AM
 bkbkbkbkbk bkbkbkbkbk
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: cheekygal on May 18, 2007, 05:40:11 AM
Stil, just from the thought you have that big smile from ear to ear on your face. Imagine what the actual way would do to you!!! I don't want you to have THAT permanent expression!!!  cheexyblonde
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Stil on May 18, 2007, 06:02:16 AM
It's a chance we should be willing to take.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Lone Traveller on May 19, 2007, 04:15:25 AM
 bibibibibi bibibibibi bibibibibi bibibibibi bibibibibi
On a Sear's hairdryer: ....Do not use while sleeping.
(darn, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair.)

On a bag of Fritos: ....You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(the shoplifter special?)

On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap."
(and that would be how???....)

On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost."
(but, it's "just" a suggestion.)

Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom):"Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh?)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:"Product will be hot after heating."
(...and you thought????...)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron:"Do not iron clothes on body."
(but wouldn't this save me more time?)

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(and...I'm taking this because???....)

On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only."
(as opposed to...what?)

On a Japanese food processor:"Not to be used for the other use."
(Now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts."
(talk about a news flash)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: open packet, eat nuts."
(Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)
 
On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
(I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)

On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands."
(Oh my Gosh...was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

 bibibibibi bibibibibi bibibibibi bibibibibi bibibibibi
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Lone Traveller on May 19, 2007, 11:20:24 PM
A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the "Chicken
Surprise". The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron
pot.

Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises
slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around
before the lid slams back down.
"Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband.
He didn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it, and
again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it
slams down. Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is
happening, and demands an explanation.

"Please sir," says the waiter, "what you order?"

The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise."

"Ah...so sorry," says the waiter, "I bring you Peeking Duck
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: George on May 20, 2007, 12:24:12 PM
Aussiebloke instruction manual

Richard Glover
May 19, 2007


CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR decision to choose an AussieBloke. Your investment should give you a lifetime of pleasure and trouble-free operation. Please read these instructions carefully before use.
Warnings

* Never overfill your AussieBloke. Overfilling can affect both the appearance and speed of your AussieBloke and may lessen its operating life.

* Do not attempt to seal the ventilation openings on your AussieBloke. The regular emission of toxic odours is an important safety feature built into your AussieBloke. It is not considered a malfunction under your warranty.

* For optimum operation, you should give your AussieBloke a regular and thorough servicing.
Getting started

* Try to keep your AussieBloke upright while getting him into the house. Use no hooks, as he may initially be commitment phobic. Place on a cushioned surface before attempting to turn on. Stand well back.

* Contents may have settled during transportation. Actual size may vary.
Older models

* Do not attempt to jump-start older models. Firmly grasp working parts and first check pressure is adequate. Allow to warm up slowly. If AussieBloke remains stalled, you may need to change your settings. For a start, you may be in the wrong gear. Consider changing into something pink and frilly.


And it continues here......
http://www.smh.com.au/news/richard-glover/aussiebloke-instruction-manual/2007/05/17/1178995311349.html (http://www.smh.com.au/news/richard-glover/aussiebloke-instruction-manual/2007/05/17/1178995311349.html)
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: dragonsaver on May 20, 2007, 01:49:32 PM
 bkbkbkbkbk  All I could think of was you George while I read that - especially when it got to the 'Older' model.   ahahahahah ahahahahah ahahahahah axaxaxaxax
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: George on May 20, 2007, 02:49:13 PM
 ahahahahah ahahahahah
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Lone Traveller on May 20, 2007, 11:22:59 PM
 ahahahahah ahahahahah ahahahahah

Nice one DS
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Vegemite on May 21, 2007, 04:11:56 AM
Sorry to all my blonde friends

A young ventriloquist was touring the clubs; one night he was
doing a show in a small town near Auckland. With his dummy on
his knee, he started going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.

Suddenly, a blonde in the 4th row stood up on her chair
and shouted, "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde
jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way?
What's the color of a person's hair got to do with her intelligence
and worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like
me from being respected at work and in the community, and from
reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and your
kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only
blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humour!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist began to apologize, the infuriated
blonde yelled, "You damn well stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to
that little arsehole on your knee!".  cheexyblonde
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Lone Traveller on May 21, 2007, 06:09:06 AM
 ahahahahah ahahahahah ahahahahah ahahahahah

Thanks for the giggle Vege! bfbfbfbfbf
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: cheekygal on May 21, 2007, 09:10:38 AM
 ahahahahah And so I think I won't dye my hair blond again!
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Lone Traveller on May 21, 2007, 06:40:39 PM
I'm thinking that's probably a good thing Cheeks. :)
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Newbs on May 22, 2007, 09:35:27 PM
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive,  Mr. Smith kissed his wife  goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now; the man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.
Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to...''

Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you."

"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you  know babies are my specialty?"

"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped.  Please come in and have a seat" After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?" "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is  fun. You can really spread out there."

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!"

"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"My, that's a lot!" gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."

"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.

"Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."

"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look."

"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too.  The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots.  Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your,
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: kcanuck on May 22, 2007, 11:20:29 PM
   bkbkbkbkbk that was brilliant.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Lone Traveller on May 23, 2007, 03:57:44 AM
 ahahahahah ahahahahah ahahahahah ahahahahah

Poor Mrs Smith.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Bugalugs on May 23, 2007, 07:12:27 PM
So that's why I DON'T look like my dad:)
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Lone Traveller on May 24, 2007, 02:09:08 AM
 bkbkbkbkbk ahahahahah ahahahahah ahahahahah bkbkbkbkbk
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Bugalugs on June 03, 2007, 01:10:00 AM
Mabel, the church gossip and self-appointed arbiter of town morals, accused GEORGE of being a drunk because his ute had been parked in front of the local pub all afternoon.

George said nothing, but that evening he parked his ute in front of Mabel's house and left it there all night.

 bpbpbpbpbp
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Lone Traveller on June 06, 2007, 01:33:38 AM
There was a woman who had a beloved duck for a pet. One day she went out to the barn and the beloved duck was not moving. She listened for a heartbeat and heard nothing and listened for a breath but felt and heard nothing so in sinking desperation she bundled up her beloved pet and drove to the veterinarian's hoping for the best, but fearing the worst.
 
When she arrived the veterinarian doctor looked at the duck, used his stethoscope and pronounced, "I'm sorry. Your duck is dead."
 
The lady, not wanting to truly believe this sad news about her beloved duck, said, "Doctor, are you sure, I mean aren't you going to do more than that? Can't you run some tests to be sure? Maybe he is just in a deep coma. Please, can't you do something more, just to be sure?"

So the doctor said, "Well, all right. I can do some more tests, if that is what you want."

"Please." said the lady.

So the doctor sent the lady to the end of the room and left. Pretty soon a labrador retreiver came in. The Lab came up to the dead duck's body and sniffed all around and sadly shook its head and left.

Next, in came a cat, gingerly sidling up to the duck, he, too, took a few sniffs, shook his head and walked out.

Soon the doctor came in with the news. "The tests have come in and the verdict is conclusive. I am sorry, but your duck is dead."

"Oh," said the lady, "my poor beloved duck. Well, thank you for being sure. Now, how much do I owe you?"

Well, said the veterinarian doctor, "That will be $1500"

"1500 dollars$!!!" shouted the woman. "How can it be 1500 dollars?!?!" she exclaimed incredulously.

"Well," said the veterinarian doctor, "if you had just taken my word for it, it would only have been $50.00. But what with the Lab test and Cat Scan ... "
 
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Lone Traveller on June 06, 2007, 01:37:26 AM
WHEN GIRLS DRINK TOO MUCH............

1. WE HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA WHERE OUR PURSE IS.

2. WE BELIEVE THAT DANCING WITH OUR ARMS OVERHEAD AND WIGGLING OUR BUTT WHILE YELLING "WOO-HOO!" IS TRULY THE SEXIEST DANCE MOVE AROUND.

3. WE'VE SUDDENLY DECIDED THAT WE WANT TO KICK SOMEONE'S BUTT AND  HONESTLY BELIEVE WE COULD DO IT TOO.

4. IN OUR LAST TRIP TO PEE, WE REALIZE THAT WE NOW LOOK MORE LIKE A HOMELESS HOOKER THAN THE GODDESS WE WERE JUST FOUR HOURS AGO.

5. WE START CRYING AND TELLING EVERYONE WE SEE THAT WE LOVE THEM SOOOOO....... MUCH

6. WE GET EXTREMELY EXCITED AND JUMP UP AND DOWN EVERY TIME A NEW SONG PLAYS BECAUSE "OH MY GOD! I LOVE THIS SONG!"

7. WE'VE FOUND A DEEPER/SPIRITUAL SIDE TO THE GEEK SITTING NEXT TO US.

8. WE'VE SUDDENLY TAKEN UP SMOKING AND BECOME REALLY GOOD AT IT.

9. WE YELL AT THE BARTENDER, WHO WE BELIEVE CHEATED US BY GIVING US JUST LEMONADE, BUT THAT'S JUST BECAUSE WE CAN NO LONGER TASTE THE GIN.

10. WE THINK WE ARE IN BED, BUT OUR PILLOW FEELS STRANGELY LIKE THE  KITCHEN FLOOR (or the mop?)

11. WE FAIL TO NOTICE THAT THE TOILET LID'S DOWN WHEN WE SIT ON IT.

12. WE TAKE OUR SHOES OFF BECAUSE WE BELIEVE IT'S THEIR  FAULT THAT WE'RE HAVING PROBLEMS WALKING STRAIGHT.



 

And Remember...
"A clean n tidy house is the sign of a wasted life"
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Lotus Eater on June 06, 2007, 03:09:39 AM
WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:


Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple
creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding
plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can
be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to
a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell
you the truth.. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to
another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You
don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same
work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux
rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to
them. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New
shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about
tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all
your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of
thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be
your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more
than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are
unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays
its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life. Your belly usually hides your big
hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons. You
can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails
with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a
mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25
minutes.

No wonder men are happier
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Mr Nobody on June 07, 2007, 02:40:10 PM
Oh, Lotus, now you've gone and told everyone.

Now everyone will want to be a guy.

Even George.

What can we do to avoid the rush?
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: dragonsaver on June 07, 2007, 02:47:56 PM
 bkbkbkbkbk axaxaxaxax
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Lone Traveller on June 07, 2007, 06:22:20 PM
 bkbkbkbkbk bkbkbkbkbk
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: teleplayer on June 12, 2007, 09:19:30 AM
Please, don't groan - too loudly.

There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin.



All three became pregnant, and the first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys.

 

This goes to prove that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: kcanuck on June 12, 2007, 12:58:10 PM
In case anyone thinking of complaining of political incorrectness with regards to the term squaw, many First Nation women have retaken the term.  The white man made it a derogatory word but apparently, traditionally it is something to embrace. (topic of a CBC radio documentary).
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Lone Traveller on June 12, 2007, 06:16:29 PM
Interesting little tid-bit there Kcanuck.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Lone Traveller on June 12, 2007, 06:21:15 PM
3 Women in the Sauna.


THREE WOMEN, TWO YOUNGER, AND ONE SENIOR CITIZEN, WERE SITTING NAKED
IN A SAUNA.

SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND. THE YOUNG WOMAN PRESSED HER
FOREARM AND THE BEEP STOPPED. THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY.

"THAT WAS MY PAGER," SHE SAID. I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM.

A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE SECOND YOUNG  WOMAN LIFTED HER
PALM TO HER EAR. WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED, "THAT WAS  MY MOBILE
PHONE. I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND."

THE OLDER WOMAN FELT VERY LOW TECH. NOT TO BE OUTDONE, SHE DECIDED SHE
HAD TO DO SOMETHING JUST  AS IMPRESSIVE. SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND
WENT TO THE BATHROOM. SHE  RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING
FROM HER REAR END. THE OTHERS  RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER.

THE OLDER WOMAN FINALLY SAID.........WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT...I'M
GETTING A FAX!!

 ahahahahah ahahahahah ahahahahah bibibibibi
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: teleplayer on June 13, 2007, 06:12:40 AM
In case anyone thinking of complaining of political incorrectness with regards to the term squaw, many First Nation women have retaken the term.  The white man made it a derogatory word but apparently, traditionally it is something to embrace. (topic of a CBC radio documentary).

Thanks Kcanuk.
I had mixed feelings about posting and must admit, didn't know about this "reclaiming of the term" which I'm sure has some deep cultural roots.
Then again, if we all were to worry about being PC on every post, a good many  here would require deletion. 
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: George on June 13, 2007, 11:34:27 AM
What's PC??
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: kcanuck on June 13, 2007, 01:38:10 PM
politically correct

and I must admit, the term used in the joke is not one I'd be comfortable using in public conversation regardless of whether it's been reclaimed by First Nations people.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: George on June 13, 2007, 03:26:21 PM
politically correct

 
And here I was, wondering what Personal Computers had to do with squaws!
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Lone Traveller on June 13, 2007, 06:57:36 PM
 ahahahahah ahahahahah ahahahahah
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: teleplayer on June 16, 2007, 05:07:31 AM
Chili Cook-off


Notes from an inexperienced Chili taster named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from the  East Coast:

"Recently I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off.
The original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native
Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted. Here are the scorecards from the event:


Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy sh!t, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.


Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili

JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.


Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now, get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh!t-faced from all the beer.


Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic

JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it, is it possible to burn-out taste buds? Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills, that 300 lb. b!tch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?


Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!


Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.
Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I sh!t myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally, she must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my a$$ with a snow cone!


Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like sh!t to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in my stomach.


Chili # 8: Mount Saint Helen's Chili

JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he would have reacted to a really hot chili?
FRANK: -------------- (editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)

Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: kcanuck on June 16, 2007, 12:06:40 PM
TP, that was hilarious, thanks for sharing.  agagagagag
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: George on June 18, 2007, 01:38:37 AM
A blonde called her boyfriend and said, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure it out or how to get it started." Her boyfriend asked, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

She said, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

Her boyfriend decided to go over and help with the puzzle. She let him in and showed him where she had the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studied the pieces for a moment, then looked at the box, then turned to her And said, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble all of these pieces into anything resembling a tiger.

He took her hand and said, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of hot chocolate and then," he sighed...





"Let's put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Lone Traveller on June 18, 2007, 07:45:03 PM
The Chili one had me doing this  ahahahahah ahahahahah ahahahahah
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Lone Traveller on June 19, 2007, 01:29:14 AM
Mad Wife Disease

A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a magazine.

"What was that for?" he asked.
"That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Mary Lou written on it," she replied.
"Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Mary Lou was the name of one of the horse I bet on," he explained.
"Oh honey, I'm sorry," she said. "I should have known there was a good explanation."

 Three days later he was watching a ballgame on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which knocked him out cold. When he came to, he asked, "What the devil was that for?"
She replied, "Your horse called."
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: teleplayer on June 19, 2007, 04:46:19 AM
A very successful lawyer parked his brand new Porsche Carrera GT in front of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues  As he got out, a truck came along too close to the curb and completely tore off the driver's door.
Fortunately, a cop in a police car was close enough to see the accident and pulled up behind the Porsche, his lights flashing. But, before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically about how his Porsche, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how hard the body shop tries to make it new again.

 

After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disgust and disbelief.  "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are,"
he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important things in life."
"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.
The cop replied, "Don't you even realize that your left arm is missing?
It got ripped off when the truck hit you!!!"
"OH, MY GOD!" screamed the lawyer.

 


"MY ROLEX!"
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: teleplayer on June 19, 2007, 04:47:06 AM
Car Crash...

I rear ended a car a few days ago.......

I tell you, It was a REALLY bad day!

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
 

He looked up at me and said "I am NOT happy!"

 

So I said, "Well, which one are you then?"
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Lone Traveller on June 19, 2007, 02:05:26 PM
 bkbkbkbkbk ahahahahah ahahahahah ahahahahah
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Lotus Eater on June 19, 2007, 11:18:19 PM
Military instruction you can adapt to life.

1.  You are not a superman.
2. If it's stupid but works, it isn't stupid.
3. Don't look conspicuous--it draws fire. (That is why aircraft carries are called Bomb Magnets.
4.   Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than you are.
5.   Never forget that the lowest bidder made your weapon.
6. If your attack is going really well, it is an ambush.
7.  No plan survives the first contact intact.
8. All five-second grenade fuses will burn down in three seconds.
9. Try to look unimportant because bad guys may be  low on ammo.
10.   The enemy division you are ignoring is main attack.
11. The important things are always simple.
12.  The simple things are always hard.
13. The easy way is always mined.
14. If you are short of everything except enemy, you are in combat.
15.  Incoming fire has the fight of way.
16. If the enemy is in range ,so you are.
17. Things that must be together to work usually can't be shipped together.
18 Radios will fail as soon as you need fire support desperately.
19. Anything you do can get you shot--including doing nothing.
20. The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.
21. Professional soldiers are predictable but the world is full of amateurs.
22. When both sides are convinced the they are about to lose ,they are both right.

Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Bugalugs on June 19, 2007, 11:43:02 PM
I have repeatedly seen the breakdown of the cost of raising a child, but this is the first time I have seen the rewards listed this way. It's nice.

The government recently calculated the cost of raising a child from birth to 18 and came up with $160,140 for a middle income family. Talk about sticker shock! That doesn't even touch uni tuition.

But $160,140 isn't so bad if you break it down. It translates into:

* $8,896.66 a year,
* $741.38 a month, or
* $171.08 a week.
* That's a mere $24.24 a day!
* Just over a dollar an hour.

Still, you might think the best financial advice is don't have children if you want to be "rich."
Actually, it is just the opposite. What do you get for your $160,140?

* Naming rights. First, middle, and last!

* Glimpses of God every day.

* Giggles under the covers every night.

* More love than your heart can hold.

* Butterfly kisses and Velcro hugs.

* Endless wonder over rocks, ants, clouds, and warm biscuits.

* A hand to hold, usually covered with jam or chocolate.

* A partner for blowing bubbles, flying kites

* Someone to laugh yourself silly with, no matter what the boss said or how your stocks performed that day.

For $160,140, you never have to grow up. You get to:

* finger-paint,

* plant seeds,

* play hide-and-seek,

* catch  bugs, and

* never stop believing in Santa Claus.

 You have an excuse to:

* keep reading the Adventures of Piglet and Pooh,

* watching Saturday morning cartoons,

* going to Disney movies, and

* wishing on stars.

* You get to frame rainbows, hearts, and flowers under refrigerator magnets and collect spray painted noodle wreaths for Christmas, hand prints set in clay for Mother's Day, and cards with backward letters for Father's Day.

For $160,140, there is no greater bang for your dollar. You get to be a hero just for:

* retrieving a Frisbee off the garage roof,

* taking the training wheels off a bike,

* removing a splinter,

* filling a wading pool,

* coaxing a wad of gum out of hair,   

* and coaching a baseball team that never wins but always gets treated to ice cream or pizza regardless.

You get a front row seat to history, to witness the:

* first step,

* first word,

*first bra,

* first date, and

* first time behind the wheel.


You get to be immortal. You get another branch added to your family tree, and if you're lucky, a long list of limbs in your obituary called grandchildren and great grandchildren. You get an education in  psychology, nursing, criminal justice,  communications, and human sexuality that no college can match.

In the eyes of a child, you rank right up there under God. You have all the power to heal a boo-boo, scare away the monsters under the bed, patch a broken heart, police a slumber party, ground them forever, and love them without limits. So, one day they will, like you, love without counting the cost. That is quite a deal for the price!!!!!!!

Love & enjoy your children & grandchildren!!!!!!!


 akakakakak akakakakak
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Bugalugs on June 20, 2007, 12:39:02 AM
When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea.
No sooner were the papers delivered when a friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, "You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea." Replied the widow, "I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit he always was."



An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000 . please advise." The old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap."




A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket .  They hear a faint moan.   They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies.  Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket.  As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out, "Watch that wall!"



When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said, "I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee."

I said, "Well, then why are you crying?"  She said, "He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon.

I said, "Well, why are you crying?"  She said, "For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m."  I said, "Well, why in the world would you be crying?"  She said, "I can't remember where I live!"



Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me....I know we've been friends for a long time.....but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her.  For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her.  Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"



THE SENILITY PRAYER
Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do,
and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Lone Traveller on June 20, 2007, 01:58:21 AM
Great posts Bugs  bfbfbfbfbf I especially like the first one.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Lono Tiki on June 20, 2007, 04:05:19 AM
I'll add to the benefits of children:

For a daughter, you get to torment and be a general ass to all of her boyfriends...

For a son, you get to slip him his first Playboy when his mom's not looking...

For both, you get someone to change your diapers when you get to George's age.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Lone Traveller on June 20, 2007, 08:09:33 PM
 axaxaxaxax bkbkbkbkbk

You're fitting right in here Tiki.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Stil on June 20, 2007, 11:46:30 PM
No need for diapers. George wears trousers with a split in the ass crack. Not a pretty sight.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: George on June 21, 2007, 12:11:12 AM
Have your fun, people. Have your fun. I am remembering all this and one day......one day.....just you wait! Revenge is a dish best served cold!
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Stil on June 21, 2007, 12:45:09 AM
Better write it down George or we will just have the same conversation tomorrow.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: ericthered on June 21, 2007, 02:46:57 AM
Have your fun, people. Have your fun. I am remembering all this and one day......one day.....just you wait! Revenge is a dish best served cold!

so is chicken...
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: George on June 23, 2007, 04:04:26 PM
The Rules of Bedroom Golf:

   1.

      Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play, normally one club and two balls.
   2.

      Play on course must be approved by the owner of the hole.
   3.

      Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out.
   4.

      For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.
   5.

      Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to the hole.
   6.

      Object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the owner is satisfied play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play again.
   7.

      It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival. Experienced players will normally take time to admire the entire course, paying special attention to well formed mounds and bunkers.
   8.

      Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played or are currently playing to the owner of the course being played. Upset owners have been known to damage a players equipment for this reason.
   9.

      Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear, just in case.
  10.

      Players should not assume that the course is in shape to play at all times. Players may be embarrassed if they find the course temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternate means of play when this is the case.
  11.

      Players should assume their match has been properly scheduled particularly when playing a new course for the 1st time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else is playing what they considered a private course.
  12.

      The owner of the course is responsible for the pruning of any bushes, which may reduce the visibility of the hole.
  13.

      Players are strongly advised to get the owners permission before attempting to play the backside.
  14.

      Slow play is encouraged, however, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace at the owners request.
  15.

      It is considered an outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Lone Traveller on June 24, 2007, 03:28:33 PM
Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar.

After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, "I can't Help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland."

The other guy responds proudly, "Yes, that I am!"

The first guy says, "So am I! And where abouts from Ireland might you be?

The other guy answers, "I'm from Dublin, I am."

The first guy responds, "Sure and begora, and so am I!

And what street did you live on in Dublin?"

The other guy says, "A lovely little area it was, I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town.

The first guy says, "Faith, it's a small world, so did I! So did I!! And to what school would you have been going?"

The other guy answers, "Well now, I went to St. Mary's of course."

The first guy gets really excited and says, "And so did  I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?"

The other guy answers, "Well, now, let's see, I graduated in 1964."

The first guy exclaims, "The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can
you believe it - I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self."

About this time, Siobhan walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer.

Brian, the bartender, walks over to Siobhan, shaking his head & mutters,
"It's going to be a long night tonight!

Siobhan asks, "Why do you say that, Brian?"

"The Kelly twins are drunk again." jjjjjjjjjj
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: AMonk on June 24, 2007, 09:25:16 PM
Sounds like George Carlin on a rant, again...
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: phets72 on June 24, 2007, 09:37:06 PM
Maybe we can just start a thread of for George abuse.  Poor boy, I'm starting to feel sorry for the poor dancing KFCed one.  I know Stil has a history, but he seems to have made quite a few 'enermies' since Christmas time.  That and dementia seems to be setting in.....hhhhmmmmm

Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: dragonsaver on June 24, 2007, 10:10:18 PM
Nah, you only hurt the ones we love.  We love George therefore he can be the brunt of our humour. George gives back as much or more than he receives. Stil has an awsome sense of humour, just like George.  Hence they are our  cbcbcbcbcb boys of choice.  agagagagag agagagagag jjjjjjjjjj
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Lone Traveller on June 24, 2007, 11:31:29 PM
I'll drink to that DS.  agagagagag And here's one for you too  agagagagag
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: dragonsaver on June 25, 2007, 12:01:56 AM
Thanks,  Make it a dark beer maybe with a brandy chaser or is it brandy with a beer chaser can't remember.  More brandy  jjjjjjjjjj
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Lone Traveller on June 25, 2007, 12:06:12 AM
Doesn't matter what it is.... it'll all mix up in the tummy anyway... Keep! Another.  agagagagag
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: teleplayer on June 30, 2007, 04:11:59 AM
H2O  vs  WINE
 

I just heard that it has been scientifically proven that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli (E. Coli) bacteria found in feces. ---Body waste!
 

In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of Poop, Doodoo, Crap.

However, we do not run that risk when drinking wine (or rum, whiskey, beer or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, distillation or filtering and/or fermenting.
 

        WATER = Poop = ????
 

        WINE = clean =HEALTH   
 

Ergo: It is better to drink wine and talk stupid than to drink water and be full of s___t.


There is no need to thank me for this valuable information.

I am doing it as a public service
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: ericthered on June 30, 2007, 04:15:08 AM
My liver disagrees. Now, I have to consume wine to shut it up. I was drinking water when I read your post...now my desk is all wet asasasasas asasasasas
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: cheekygal on June 30, 2007, 04:33:24 PM
 ahahahahah ahahahahah ahahahahah
TP, right. when you drink wine, you have a constipation  ahahahahah
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Con ate dog on July 02, 2007, 02:52:56 AM
YOUR AGE  BY EATING OUT*

This is pretty neat.* {Note from Con: it's barely neat)
 
Work this out as you read ...
Be sure you don't read the bottom until you've worked it out!


1. First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like to go out to eat(more than once but less than 10)
2. Multiply this number by 2 (just to be bold)
3. Add 5
4. Multiply it by 50
5. If you have already had your birthday this year add 1757 .... If you haven't, add 1756.
6. Now subtract the four digit year that you were born.
You should have a three digit number
The first digit of this was your original number (I.e., how! Many times you want to go out to restaurants in a week.)
The next two numbers are YOUR AGE! (Oh YES, it is!!!!!)*
THIS IS THE ONLY YEAR (2007) IT WILL EVER WORK, SO SPREAD IT AROUND WHILE IT LASTS.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Newbs on July 02, 2007, 12:28:40 PM
Bloody amazing Con, thanks. bfbfbfbfbf
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Lotus Eater on July 12, 2007, 04:08:24 PM
Things that are DIFFICULT to say when drunk.

1 - Innovative

2 - Preliminary

3 - Proliferation

4 - Cinnamon

Things that are VERY DIFFICULT to say when drunk.

1 - Specificity

2 - British constitution

3 - Phenomenon

4 - Transubstantiate

Things which are IMPOSSIBLE to say when drunk

1 - Thanks for the offer, but I don't want to sleep with you.

2 - Nope, no more booze for me.

3 - No kebab for me, thank you.

4 - Sorry, but you're not really my type.

5 - Look mate, I've told you, I'm not interested in a fight.

6 - No way, I couldn't, nobody wants to hear me sing.

7 - Thanks for asking, but I don't want to dance. I have no co-ordination and hate to make a fool of myself.

8 - Where is the nearest public lavatory? I absolutely refuse to pee in the street.

9 - I must be going now as I have work in the morning

Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Lone Traveller on July 13, 2007, 06:58:44 PM
Oh dear - Unfortunately I can identify with some of these.  bibibibibi
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Lone Traveller on July 13, 2007, 07:03:21 PM
The other day I went into town to shop at Woolworth's. I was only in there for about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a ticket inspector writing out a parking ticket.

I went up to him and said, "Come on man, how about giving a Pensioner a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.

I called him a Nazi turd.

He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tyres.  So I called him a c#@khead.       

He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket.

This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, I didn't care. I came into town by bus.

I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's important at my age. bfbfbfbfbf
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Lone Traveller on July 13, 2007, 07:49:54 PM
POLITICALLY CORRECT SANTA
***********************************
 
'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck...
How to live in a world that's politically correct?

His workers no longer would answer to "Elves",
"Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves.

And labor conditions at the north pole
Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.

Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,
Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.

And equal employment had made it quite clear
That Santa had better not use just reindeer.

So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,
Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!?
The runners had been removed from his sleigh;
The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A.

And people had started to call for the cops
When they heard sled noises on their roof-tops.

Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened.
His fur trimmed red suit was called "Unenlightened."

And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows:
Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose

And had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation,
Demanding millions in over-due compensation.

So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife,
Who suddenly said she'd enough of this life,

Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz,
Demanding from now on her title was Ms.

And as for the gifts, why, he'd ne'er had a notion
That making a choice could cause so much commotion.

Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,
Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her.

Nothing that might be construed to pollute.
Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot.

Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise.
Nothing for just girls. Or just for the boys.

Nothing that claimed to be gender specific.
Nothing that's warlike or non-pacific.

No candy or sweets...they were bad for the tooth.
Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.

And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden,
Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden.

For they raised the hackles of those psychological
Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.

No baseball, no football...someone could get hurt;
Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt.

Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe;
And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.

So Santa just stood there, disheveled, perplexed;
He just could not figure out what to do next.

He tried to be merry, tried to be gay,
But you've got to be careful with that word today.

His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground;
Nothing fully acceptable was to be found.

Something special was needed, a gift that he might
Give to all without angering the left or the right.

A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision,
Each group of people, every religion;

Every ethnicity, every hue,
Everyone, everywhere...even you.

So here is that gift, it's price beyond worth...
"May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth."























Yeah all well and good, but I can't start a food fight with "peace on earth" or trade it in a month for something else I see that I want, or sell in 100yrs as an antique!!!!  avavavavav

 ahahahahah
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: teleplayer on July 17, 2007, 09:50:45 AM
I don't think this a repeat, but then again, does it matter?

The value of a Catholic education and a #2 pencil

Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in Catholic School .
Usually she slept through the class.

One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping.
"Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the universe?"
When Mary Margaret didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.
"God Almighty!" shouted Mary Margaret.
The Nun said, "Very good" and continued teaching her class.

A little later the Nun asked Mary Margaret, "Who is our Lord and Savior?"
But Mary didn't stir from her slumber .

Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the butt.
"Jesus Christ!!!" shouted Mary Margaret and the Nun once again said, "Very good," and Mary Margaret fell back asleep.

The Nun asked her a third question..."What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?"
Again, Johnny came to the rescue.

This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"

The nun fainted...........

Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: dragonsaver on July 18, 2007, 03:56:57 AM
 bkbkbkbkbk bkbkbkbkbk axaxaxaxax axaxaxaxax axaxaxaxax
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Lone Traveller on July 20, 2007, 06:32:43 PM
That's an old favourite that one.  ahahahahah ahahahahah
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: George on July 24, 2007, 09:59:21 AM
A young child says to his mother, "Mom, when I grow up I'd like to be a musician." She replies, "Well honey, you know you can't do both."

Q: What do you call a beautiful woman on a trombonist's arm?
A: A tattoo.

Q: What's the difference between a banjo and an onion?
A: Nobody cries when you chop up a banjo.

Q: What do you call a drummer in a three-piece suit?
A: "The Defendant"

Q: What do clarinetists use for birth control?
A: Their personalities.

Q: What did the drummer get on his I.Q. Test?
A: Saliva.

Q: What do call a guitar player without a girlfriend?
A: Homeless.

Q: What's the similarity between a drummer and a philosopher?
A: They both perceive time as an abstract concept.

Q: What is the difference between a drummer and a vacuum cleaner?
A: You have to plug one of them in before it sucks.

Q: Why do some people have an instant aversion to banjo players?
A: It saves time in the long run.

Q: What's the difference between a folk guitar player and a large pizza?
A: A large pizza can feed a family of four.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: teleplayer on July 24, 2007, 12:41:11 PM
 bkbkbkbkbk, Thanks George. Needed the laugh. Hadn't seen these in years and most from another guitar player who particularly likes to tell the drummer jokes - to his drummer.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: George on August 03, 2007, 09:33:47 AM
Two cattle drovers standing in an outback Aussie bar. One asked, "What ya up to, Mate?" "Ahh, I'm takin' a mob of 6000 from Goondiwindi to Gympie." "Oh yeah... what route are you takin'?" "Ah, prob'ly the Missus... after all, she stuck by me durin' the drought."
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: dragonsaver on August 03, 2007, 10:30:16 AM
That needs to be 'heard' in Aussie to be understood.  bibibibibi mmmmmmmmmm mmmmmmmmmm
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: George on August 03, 2007, 11:50:46 AM
Of course!! ahahahahah ahahahahah
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: DaDan on August 04, 2007, 07:37:46 AM
One day, the father of a very wealthy family took his son on a trip to the country with the express purpose of showing him how poor people live.

They spent a couple of days and nights on the farm of what would be considered a very poor family.

On their return from their trip, the father asked his son, “How was the trip?”



“It was great, Dad.”

“Did you see how poor people live?” the father asked.

“Oh yeah,” said the son.

“So, tell me, what did you learn from the trip?” asked the father.

The son answered: “I saw that we have one dog and they had four. We have a pool that reaches to the middle of our garden and they have a creek that has no end. We have imported lanterns in our garden and they have the stars at night. Our patio reaches to the front yard and they have the whole horizon.

“We have a small piece of land to live on and they have fields that go beyond our sight.

“We have servants who serve us, but they serve others. We buy our food, but they grow theirs.

“We have walls around our property to protect us, they have friends to protect them.”

The boy’s father was speechless.

Then his son added,
.
.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

“Thanks Dad for showing me how poor we are.”
bfbfbfbfbf
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Lotus Eater on August 06, 2007, 08:22:30 PM
LAWS OF THE NATURAL UNIVERSE

"The fickle finger of fate "

Law of Mechanical Repair:
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch or
you'll have to pee.

Law of the Workshop:
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Law of Probability:
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity
of your act.

Law of the Telephone:
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.

Law of the Alibi:
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the
very next morning you will have a flat tire.Variation Law:
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to
move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

Law of the Bath :
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

Law of Close Encounters:
The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with
someone you don't want to be seen with.

Law of the Result:
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

Law of Biomechanics:
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

Law of the Theatre:
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive
last.

Law of Coffee:
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to
do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
Murphy's Law of Lockers:
If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent
lockers.

Law of Rugs/Carpets:
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor
covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

Law of Location:
No matter where you go, there you are.

Law of Logical Argument:
Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

Brown's Law:
If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

Oliver's Law:
A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Wilson's Law:
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making
it.
Mobile Law:
The one call you manage to answer will be a wrong number, advertising or a
really annoying survey.




Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Lotus Eater on August 06, 2007, 08:33:31 PM
15 PIECES OF ADVICE TO BE PASSED ON TO YOUR MUM, YOUR DAUGHTERS OR GRANDDAUGHTERS, NIECES, AUNTS, GIRLFRIENDS, ETC.


1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in nappies.

2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.

3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there.

4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.

5. Go for the younger man. You might as well, they never mature anyway.

6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.
7. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

9. Best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old for it.

10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in Biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.

13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him cheque books.

14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.
15. Sadly, all men are created equal.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: AMonk on August 06, 2007, 10:10:38 PM
We all know Murphy's Law....but do you know O'Toole's Corollary?






























"Murphy was an optimist!"
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Lotus Eater on August 07, 2007, 08:47:24 PM
I want to live my next life backwards.
You start out dead and get that out of the way.
Then you wake up in an old age home feeling better every day.  You get kicked out for being too healthy.  Collect your pension.
When you start work, you get a gold watch on the first day.  You work for 40 years until you are young enough to enjoy your retirement.
You drink alcohol, you party, and you get ready for high school.
You go to primary school, you become a kid, you play. You have no responsibilities, you become a baby, and then....
You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in spa-like conditions; central heating, room service on tap, larger quarters every day, and then...you finish off as an orgasm.
I rest my case.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: old34 on August 08, 2007, 01:26:43 AM
I hesitate to add this one...I saw it this morning on a business website spouted by some clueless USAnian China basher...and I really do like living here in China and, in general, like most of the people here...and, um, I would probably never use his one myself, but...um, well I do sometimes get tired of hearing the "China has a long history of 5,000 years" thing and the "Do you know how to use chopsicks" thing and...um, this one kind of covers them both...though I would never use it myself, but here goes:

Quote
"In 5 thousand years of recorded history, the people of China have learned how to do 2 things: 1. how to carry 2 buckets of s--t with one stick, and 2: how to eat one bucket of s--t with 2 sticks."
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: ericthered on August 08, 2007, 01:48:47 AM
What an odd dullard that China bashing chap must be. Obviously he has never tried Chinese food.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: old34 on August 08, 2007, 01:57:43 AM
What an odd dullard that China bashing chap must be. Obviously he has never tried Chinese food.

I'm sure he thinks he has. Prolly got a bad fortune cookie the day he wrote it.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Con ate dog on August 08, 2007, 12:25:04 PM
 ahahahahah "Funny" and "patently unfair" often go hand in hand.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: teleplayer on August 09, 2007, 07:14:22 AM
Nine words women use... for the guys, memorize them, they will come
  in handy
 
  1.) Fine : This is the word women use to end an argument when they are
  right and you need to shut up.
 
  2.) Five Minutes : If she is getting dressed, this means a half an
  hour.
  Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five
  more   minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
 
  3.) Nothing : This is the calm before the storm. This means something,
  and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing
  usually end in fine.
 
  4.) Go Ahead : This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
 
  5.) Loud Sigh : This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement
  often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an
  idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and
  arguing   with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)
 
  6.) That's Okay : This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman
  can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard
  before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
 
  7.) Thanks : A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint.
  Just say   you're welcome.
 
  8.) Whatever : Is a women's way of saying *&^%$ YOU!
 
  9.) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement,
  meaning   this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but
  is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking
  'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to #3.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: cheekygal on August 09, 2007, 07:33:23 AM
 cheexyblonde cheexyblonde cheexyblonde
This is so true for so many women!
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Eagle on August 30, 2007, 05:43:15 PM
An Australian, an Irishman and a Newfie are in a bar.

They're staring at another man. Suddenly the Irishman says, 'It's
Jesus!

Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint.

Thrilled, they send him over a pint Of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and
a Bottle of Molson Canadian.

Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the
pints slowly, one after another.

After he's finished the drinks, Jesus Approaches the trio.

He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for
the Guinness.

When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement:

My God! The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a miracle! '
Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager.

As he lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock. 'Strewth mate, the bad
back I've had all my life is completely gone! It's a miracle.'

Jesus then approaches the Newfie who knocks over a chair and a table in
trying to get away from the Son of God.

"What's wrong my son?" says Jesus.

The Newfie shouts, 'F**k Off' , I'm on Workers Compensation.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Bugalugs on August 31, 2007, 12:28:20 AM
The Witch !!!

Two old men decide they are closing on to their last days and so they decided to have a last night on the town. After a few drinks they end up at a local brothel.

The Madam of the brothel take a look at the two old geezers and whispers to the Manager "Go up to the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll in each bed, they are too old and drunk, I'm not wasting two of my girls on them, they wont know the difference"

The manager does as he is told and the two oldies go upstairs and take of their business.
As they are walking home the first oldie says
"You know, I think my girl was dead!"
"Dead?" says his friend, "Why do you say that?"
"Well, she never moved or made any sound all the time I made love to her"
His friend says
"Could be worse I think, mine was a witch"
"Witch, why the hell would you say that?"
"Well, I was making love to her, kissing her on the neck and I gave her a little bite on her nipples and she farted and flew out of the window"
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: cheekygal on September 03, 2007, 05:47:02 AM
Men are like toilets: they are either occupied or full of crap.  agagagagag



Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Stil on September 03, 2007, 01:15:41 PM
Men are like toilets: they are either occupied or full of crap.  agagagagag

Sometimes both.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Con ate dog on September 04, 2007, 06:34:39 PM
Like parking spaces: the best ones are taken, and the rest are handicapped. bpbpbpbpbp
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: AMonk on September 04, 2007, 11:16:18 PM
The best ones ARE handicapped!! ahahahahah
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: teleplayer on September 05, 2007, 12:07:03 PM
Polish Sausage - Another recipe

And the question was…

"In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage?"


The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?"

The guy (clearly offended) says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something.
If I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me If I was Italian?
Or if I had asked for German bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?
Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you Ask me if I was Jewish?
Or if I had asked for a Taco would you ask if I was Mexican?
Would you?

Would you?"

The clerk says, "Well, no!"
 
"If I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?"

"Well, I probably wouldn't!"

With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says, "Well then, why did you ask me if I'm Polish because I asked for Polish sausage?"

The clerk replies, "Because you're at Home Depot."
(FYI Home Depot is a home and garden improvement and supply store)

Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: cheekygal on September 06, 2007, 07:49:46 AM
Quote
Like parking spaces: the best ones are taken, and the rest are handicapped.
Quoting Noles (who quotes someone else): "Best men are either married or gay"  ahahahahah
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Con ate dog on September 06, 2007, 10:56:21 AM
Married, gay or a werewolf.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: dragonsaver on September 10, 2007, 11:19:33 PM




MY LIVING WILL

Last night, my friend and I were sitting in the living room and I said to
her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some
machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the
plug."

She got up, unplugged the TV, and threw out my wine.

She's such a bitch.....

 
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: AMonk on September 10, 2007, 11:49:05 PM
 bkbkbkbkbk bkbkbkbkbk axaxaxaxax axaxaxaxax
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: cheekygal on September 11, 2007, 06:45:56 AM
Goodness! It is funny everywhere in the world!
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Lotus Eater on September 15, 2007, 12:23:36 AM

Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation. They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.

The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their "tourist" garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a "drop dead gorgeous" blonde in a topless bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare.

As the blonde passed them she smiled and said "Good Morning, Father ~ Good Morning, Father," nodding and addressing each of them individually, then she passed
on by. They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests?
So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits.

These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them! Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine.

After a little while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a different colored topless bikini, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them.

Again she nodded at each of them, said "Good morning, Father ~ Good morning, Father,"
and started to walk away. One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, "Just a minute. "We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the
world do you know we are priests, dressed as we are?"

She replied, "Father, it's me, Sister Kathleen."
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Stil on September 15, 2007, 04:45:27 AM
A new supermarket opened near my house.

It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh.  Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain...

When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and experience the scent of fresh hay.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered corn.

I don't buy toilet paper there any more.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: teleplayer on September 20, 2007, 04:33:06 AM
THESE ARE ENTRIES TO A WASHINGTON POST COMPETITION ASKING FOR A TWO-LINE RHYME WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE, BUT THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE:

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life.

I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.

Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
But I only slept with you because I was pissed.

I thought that I could love no other --
that is until I met your brother.

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and
so is your head.

I want to feel your sweet embrace;
But don't take that paper bag off your face.

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes.
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?

My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe "Go to hell."

What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: dragonsaver on September 20, 2007, 03:15:53 PM
I am going to use these in my culture class to show how words can change meaning.  Excellent and very fun. ahahahahah ahahahahah ahahahahah
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: teleplayer on September 22, 2007, 08:23:06 AM
Suggested "Out of Office" automatic e-mail replies:

1. I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail
to get the position. Be prepared for my mood.

2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the
office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at
all.

3. Sorry to have missed you, but I am at the doctor's having my brain
and heart removed so I can be promoted to our management team.

4. I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send
me until I return from vacation. Please be patient and your mail will be
deleted in the order in which it was received.

5. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for
the first 10 words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.

6. The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is
unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try
sending again. (The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see
How many in-duh-viduals did this over and over.)

7. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system.
You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in
approximately 19 weeks.

8. Hi, I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your
PC for my response.

9. I've run away to join a different circus.

10. I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical
reasons. When I return, please refer to me as 'Loretta'
instead of 'Joe'
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: George on September 23, 2007, 06:09:49 PM
http://www.sciencesavvy.net/sui.gif (http://www.sciencesavvy.net/sui.gif)

Let it load!
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: teleplayer on September 24, 2007, 12:30:43 PM
http://www.sciencesavvy.net/sui.gif (http://www.sciencesavvy.net/sui.gif)

Let it load!

That's just plain sick!   cbcbcbcbcb agagagagag
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Lotus Eater on September 24, 2007, 05:37:35 PM
YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2007 when...

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your mobile phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

7 Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.

8. Leaving the house without your mobile phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :)

12 You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.

14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list

AND NOW YOU ARE LAUGHING at yourself.

Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: teleplayer on September 25, 2007, 04:38:39 AM
PSYCHOPATH TEST

Read this question, come up with an answer and then scroll down to the
bottom for the result. This is not a trick question. It is as it reads.
No one I know has gotten it right.



A woman, while at the funeral of her own mother, met a male stranger.

She thought this guy was amazing. She believed him to be her dream guy so much,

that she fell in love with him right there, but never asked for his number and could

not find him. A few days later she killed her sister.

Question: What is her motive for killing her sister?

Give this some thought before you answer; see answer below.

|

|

|

|

|

|


|



Answer:

She was hoping the guy would appear at the funeral again. If you

answered this correctly, you think like a psychopath. This was a test

by a famous American psychologist used to test if one has the same

mentality as a killer. Many arrested serial killers took part in the

test and answered the question correctly.



If you didn't answer the question correctly, good for you.

If you got the answer correct, please let me know so I can take you

off my e-mail list.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Stil on September 25, 2007, 06:08:50 AM
Uh oh. I got this one right. Didn't have to think long either, it seemed quite obvious. alalalalal
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: AMonk on September 25, 2007, 10:02:09 AM
But you'd seen it before, hadn't you?...........I hope aoaoaoaoao
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Mr Nobody on September 25, 2007, 01:43:04 PM
I'm a little concerned that there is a Doctor who invented that little question. I mean, how does he know that's how a psychopath would answer it that way, and if so, how did he know that the psychopath would?

There are a lot of questions about this question in my mind, many are worrying.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Stil on September 25, 2007, 03:47:54 PM
But you'd seen it before, hadn't you?...........I hope aoaoaoaoao

No.

What other answer is there if the murder of her sister is related to her mother's funeral?

Collecting ALL the inheritance?
She knew her sister killed her mother so she killed her sister?
The man was Satan and 'turned' her evil?
She murdered her her mother and then her sister because murdering is just darn good fun?
She's a woman and no one could possibly understand her motives for doing anything?
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Lotus Eater on September 25, 2007, 05:21:38 PM
I answered this one right too - so I am off the email list as well.

But ....  in my defence I worked with criminals for 11 years and learned how to understand their thinking patterns!!

I figured it was pretty obvious as well.

And I think it is urban myth about the Dr. and the question.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Con ate dog on September 27, 2007, 05:49:23 AM
Jay Leno went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had. 

The winner described her worst first date experience. There was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize!

She said it was midwinter...  Snowing and quite cold...and the guy had taken her skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City, Utah.

It was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and truly had never met before.

The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon.

They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte.

They were about an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of nowhere!

Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while.

Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her go beside the road. They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started.

In the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself.

Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation.  Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation.

As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender.

Thoughts of tongues frozen to poles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal.  It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem due to the extreme cold.

Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor of the moment, she answered her date's concerns about "what is taking so long" with a reply that indeed, she was "freezing her butt off" and in need of some assistance!

He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing.

She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma.

Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem. Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal!

Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free.

So, as she looked the other way, her first-time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender.  As the audience screamed in laughter, she took the Tonight Show prize hands down. Or perhaps that should be "pants down."  And you thought your first date was embarrassing.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: teleplayer on September 27, 2007, 09:55:06 AM
Subject: The latest from the Annals of Improbable Research

"Spectroscopic Discrimination of Shit from Shinola" by Thomas H. Painter, Michael E. Schaepman, Wolf Schweizer and Jason Brazile. We conducted an experiment to determine whether people can tell shit from Shinola (a brand of shoe polish once manufactured in the United States). We find that to the human eye, the two substances are inseparable given similar morphology, whereas with near-infrared spectroscopy one is easily distinguished from the other.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Mr Nobody on September 27, 2007, 01:39:25 PM
Subject: The latest from the Anals of Improbable Research

"Spectroscopic Discrimination of Shit from Shinola" by Thomas H. Painter, Michael E. Schaepman, Wolf Schweizer and Jason Brazile.


I think there is a mispelling there.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Bugalugs on September 28, 2007, 01:52:38 AM
Two Aussies

Two Aussies, Davo and Johnno, were adrift on a lifeboat. While rummaging
through the boats provisions, Davo stumbled across an old lamp. He rubbed
the lamp vigorously and a genie came forth.

This genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the
standard three.

Without giving much thought to the matter, Davo blurted out, ³turn the
entire ocean into beer. Make that Victorian bitter!²

The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash and immediately the sea
turned into the hard earned thirst quencher.

The genie vanished.

Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the two
men considered their circumstances.


Johnno looked disgustedly at Davo whose wish had been granted. After a long,
tension-filled moment Johnno said, ³Nice going, idiot! Now we¹re going to
have to p*iss in the boat.²
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Bugalugs on September 28, 2007, 01:59:50 AM
ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659---CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court.

The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.

The man replied, 'Well your Honor, it was like this, when the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, 'Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, 'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself. But, Your Honor, when She moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident'... I just lost it.'

'CASE DISMISSED!!'
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Lotus Eater on September 28, 2007, 06:18:02 AM
I loved the 2 Aussies - definitely made me laugh out loud!
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Bugalugs on September 29, 2007, 12:11:48 AM
Aussie Love Poem.

Of course I love ya darlin
You're a bloody  top-notch bird
And when I say  you're gorgeous
I mean  every single word
So ya bum is on  the big side
I don't mind a  bit of flab
It means that  when I'm ready
There's  somethin there to grab
So your belly  isn't flat no more
I tell ya, I  don't care
So long  as  when I cuddle ya
I can get  my arms round there
No  sheila  who is your age
Has nice  round perky breasts
They  just  gave in  to gravity
But I  know ya did ya best
I'm tellin' ya  the truth now
I never  tell ya lies
I think  its very  sexy
That you've got  dimples on ya thighs
I swear on me  nanna's grave now
The  moment that we met
I  thought  you was as  good as
I was  ever gonna get
No  matter what u look like
I'll always love ya dear
Now shut up while the footy's on
And fetch another beer.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: teleplayer on September 29, 2007, 12:44:25 PM
Subject: The latest from the Anals of Improbable Research

"Spectroscopic Discrimination of Shit from Shinola" by Thomas H. Painter, Michael E. Schaepman, Wolf Schweizer and Jason Brazile.


I think there is a mispelling there.
Yes, you are correct. What did you expect me to do for the jokes in the trash bin, verify the source?  bibibibibi Now when we do the "get some dirt" on anybody, nobody, and somebody undercover trash snoop that's a little more exacting checks of sources and info.  afafafafaf
For the AIR: http://www.improb.com/  (http://www.improb.com/)
However, if you scroll over the logo her: http://thefuntimesguide.com/2005/06/improbable.php (http://thefuntimesguide.com/2005/06/improbable.php) it will come up with the misspelling which is probably not all that improbably a typo.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Acjade on September 30, 2007, 12:13:34 AM
A very overweight Irishman went to the doctor.

The doctor handed him a strict diet plan. "Eat only the reccommended food for two weeks skipping every second day."

After two weeks the man had lost at least 60lbs. "You look wonderful," the doctor told him. "Did you have any trouble sticking to the diet?"

" Not at all.It was the skippin that nearly feckin killed me."
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: teleplayer on October 06, 2007, 02:37:52 AM
OSHA approved cowboy

http://www.hsegroup.com/hse/text/cowboy.htm

OSHA=Occupational Safety and Health Administration
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Mr Nobody on October 06, 2007, 04:13:57 AM
I was feeling very depressed, so I rang the help line. Naturally, in these days of cost-cutting, they put me through to a call centre in Pakistan.

This didn't help.

I thought, what the hell, I have nothing to lose! So I tried to explain was what wrong. I said I was feeling very depressed, and somewhat suicidal. This took several attempts, as the phone was passed from person to person, trying to understand.

None of this was helping at all.

Finally they seemed to get it, and asked if they were correct. Yes, I said, I am feeling depressed and suicidal. To myself, I thought, more so by the minute.

All of a sudden they all sounded very excited. They handed the phone to someone who asked quite clearly: "Can you fly a plane or drive a truck?"
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Confuciusly Confused on October 08, 2007, 03:28:58 AM
A truly Canadian Apology to the USA, courtesy of Rick Mercer from This Hour Has 22 Minutes, CBC Television:

Hello. I'm Anthony St. George on location here in Washington.

On behalf of Canadians everywhere I'd like to offer an apology to the United States of America. We haven't been getting along very well recently and for that, I am truly sorry. I'm sorry we called George Bush a moron. He is a moron, but it wasn't nice of us to point it out. If it's any consolation, the fact that he's a moron shouldn't reflect poorly on the people of America. After all, it's not like you actually elected him.

I'm sorry about our softwood lumber. Just because we have more trees than you, doesn't give us the right to sell you lumber that's cheaper and better than your own. It would be like if, well, say you had ten times the television audience we did and you flood our market with great shows, cheaper than we could produce. I know you'd never do that.

I'm sorry we beat you in Olympic hockey. In our defense I guess our excuse would be that our team was much, much, much, much better than yours. As word of apology, please accept all of our NHL teams which, one by one, are going out of business and moving to your fine country.

I'm sorry about our waffling on Iraq. I mean, when you're going up against a crazed dictator, you want to have your friends by your side. I realize it took more than two years before you guys pitched in against Hitler, but that was different. Everyone knew he had weapons.

I'm sorry we burnt down your White House during the War of 1812. I see you've rebuilt it! It's very nice.

I'm sorry for Alan Thicke, Shania Twain, Celine Dion, Loverboy, that song from Seriff that ends with a really high-pitched long note. Your beer. I know we had nothing to do with your beer, but we feel your pain.

And finally on behalf of all Canadians, I'm sorry that we're constantly apologizing for things in a passive-aggressive way which is really a thinly veiled criticism. I sincerely hope that you're not upset over this. Because we've seen what you do to countries you get upset with.

For 22 minutes, I'm Anthony St. George, and I'm sorry.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Lotus Eater on October 08, 2007, 04:02:17 AM
Prime Minister Howard hosted President Bush to breakfast at a fancy restaurant during the recent APEC conference.
The waitress approached and asked Mr Howard what he would like.  He replied
"I'll have scrambled eggs on toast without any butter, grilled tomato, mushrooms and bacon."
"And what would like Mr Bush?"
He said,  "Actually, I'd like a quickie."
Whereupon the waitress slapped his face and fled.
Mr Howard leaned over to Mr Bush and said out of the side of his mouth
"George, in this country we pronounce it quiche."
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: AMonk on October 08, 2007, 05:33:54 AM
We went to my BiL's Birthday party last night.  My (other) dopey SiL said that we really should get ourselves an "interperetator" when we visit China....otherwise we'll never understand what the people are saying and besides...the signs are all in a foreign language, so they're no help at all! llllllllll llllllllll







The worst part about this is that it is a true story!! alalalalal
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: dragonsaver on October 09, 2007, 01:47:03 AM
When I first came to China as a tourist, maybe 18 yrs ago I was impressed by all the English signs everywhere.  At the tourist places there would be a sign in Chinese with a Sign in English next to it to explain what the place was.  I was impressed as I was living in Quebec at the time and everything was in French only.

Your SiL etc are full of bull-poo
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: teleplayer on October 11, 2007, 01:50:13 PM
DS may remember this one. I found this in an "archeological trash bin" of sorts
 


Re: Jokes from my trash bin
« Reply #412 on Aug 15, 2006, 4:50 » 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The World's Shortest Fairy Tale


Once upon a time, a girl asked a guy, "Will you marry me?"

The guy said "No" and the girl lived happily ever after and went shopping, drank martinis, always had a clean house, never had to cook, stayed skinny, and was never farted on.


The End 
 Link to Post - Back to Top   Logged

----------------------------------------------------------------------
Be kind to dragons for thou are crunchy when roasted and taste good with brie.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Bugalugs on October 12, 2007, 01:35:12 AM
A new Marine Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the Arabian desert. During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent.
 He asks the Sergeant why the camel is kept there. The sergeant said, "Well sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on the post and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have "urges". That's why we have Molly the Camel."
 The Captain says, "I can't say that I condone this, but I understand about "urges", so the camel can stay."
 About a month later, the Captain starts having his own "urges".
 Crazy with frustration, he asks the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent.
 Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the
 ladder, pulls his pants down and has wild, insane sex with the
 camel.
 When he's done, he asks the Sergeant, "Is that how the men do it?"

 No, not really, sir...

 "They usually just ride the camel into town where the girls are."
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: AMonk on October 12, 2007, 01:09:22 PM
That was old when my (now deceased) grandfather was young in WWI !! ahahahahah
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Mr Nobody on October 12, 2007, 01:12:30 PM
Well, that's good. The poor camel would have died long ago, and thus be spared the embarrassment of public disclosure on the interent.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Bugalugs on October 14, 2007, 11:08:22 AM
2007 Australian Citizenship test


1. Do you understand the meaning, but are unable to explain the origin of, the term "died in the arrse"?
___________________________________
2. What is a bloody little beauty?
___________________________________
3. Are these terms related: chuck a sickie; chuck a spaz; chuck a U-ey?
___________________________________
4. Explain the following passage: "In the arvo last Chrissy the relos rocked up for a barbie, some bevvies and a few snags. After a bit of a Bex and a lie down we opened the pressies, scoffed all the chockies, bickies and lollies. Then we drained a few tinnies and Mum did her block after Dad and Steve had a barney and a bit of biffo."
__________________________________

5. Macca, Chooka and Wanger are driving to Surfers in their Torana. If they are travelling at 100 km/h while listening to Barnsey, Farnsey and Acca Dacca, how many slabs will each person on average consume between flashing a brown eye and having a slash?
___________________________
6. Complete the following sentences:
a) "If the van's rockin' don't bother ?
b) You're going home in the back of a ?
c) Fair crack of the ?
_________________________________
7. I've had a gutful and I can't be fagged. Discuss
__________________________________
8. Have you ever been on the giving or receiving end of a wedgie?
__________________________________
9. Do you have a friend or relative who has a car in their front yard "up on blocks"? Is his name Bruce and does he have a wife called Cheryl?
__________________________________

10. Does your family regularly eat a dish involving mincemeat, cabbage, curry powder and a packet of chicken noodle soup called either chow mein, chop suey or kai see ming?
__________________________________
11. What are the ingredients in a rissole?
__________________________________
12. Demonstrate the correct procedure for eating a Tim Tam.
__________________________________
13. Do you have an Aunty Irene who smokes 30 cigarettes a day and sounds like a bloke?
__________________________________
14. In any two-hour period have you ever eaten three-bean salad, a chop and two serves of pav washed down with someone else's beer that has been flogged from a bath full of ice?
__________________________________
15. When you go to a bring- your-own-meat barbie can you eat other people's meat or are you only allowed to eat your own?
__________________________________
16. What purple root vegetable beginning with the letter "b" is required by law to be included in a hamburger with the lot?
__________________________________

17. Do you own or have you ever owned a lawn mower, a pair of thongs, an Esky or Ugg boots?
__________________________________
18. Is it possible to "prang a car" while doing "circle work"?
__________________________________
19. Who would you like to crack on to?
__________________________________
20. Who is the most Australian: Kevin "Bloody" Wilson, John "True Blue" Williamson, Kylie Minogue or Warnie?
__________________________________
21. Is there someone you are only mates with because they own a trailer or have a pool?
_________________________________
22. What does inkin piss at a mates joint and getten para mean?
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Lotus Eater on October 14, 2007, 11:57:50 AM
2007 Australian Citizenship test


1. Do you understand the meaning, but are unable to explain the origin of, the term "died in the arrse"?
___________________________________
2. What is a bloody little beauty?
___________________________________
3. Are these terms related: chuck a sickie; chuck a spaz; chuck a U-ey?
___________________________________
4. Explain the following passage: "In the arvo last Chrissy the relos rocked up for a barbie, some bevvies and a few snags. After a bit of a Bex and a lie down we opened the pressies, scoffed all the chockies, bickies and lollies. Then we drained a few tinnies and Mum did her block after Dad and Steve had a barney and a bit of biffo."
__________________________________

5. Macca, Chooka and Wanger are driving to Surfers in their Torana. If they are travelling at 100 km/h while listening to Barnsey, Farnsey and Acca Dacca, how many slabs will each person on average consume between flashing a brown eye and having a slash?
___________________________
6. Complete the following sentences:
a) "If the van's rockin' don't bother ?
b) You're going home in the back of a ?
c) Fair crack of the ?
_________________________________
7. I've had a gutful and I can't be fagged. Discuss
__________________________________
8. Have you ever been on the giving or receiving end of a wedgie?
__________________________________
9. Do you have a friend or relative who has a car in their front yard "up on blocks"? Is his name Bruce and does he have a wife called Cheryl?
__________________________________

10. Does your family regularly eat a dish involving mincemeat, cabbage, curry powder and a packet of chicken noodle soup called either chow mein, chop suey or kai see ming?
__________________________________
11. What are the ingredients in a rissole?
__________________________________
12. Demonstrate the correct procedure for eating a Tim Tam.
__________________________________
13. Do you have an Aunty Irene who smokes 30 cigarettes a day and sounds like a bloke?
__________________________________
14. In any two-hour period have you ever eaten three-bean salad, a chop and two serves of pav washed down with someone else's beer that has been flogged from a bath full of ice?
__________________________________
15. When you go to a bring- your-own-meat barbie can you eat other people's meat or are you only allowed to eat your own?
__________________________________
16. What purple root vegetable beginning with the letter "b" is required by law to be included in a hamburger with the lot?
__________________________________

17. Do you own or have you ever owned a lawn mower, a pair of thongs, an Esky or Ugg boots?
__________________________________
18. Is it possible to "prang a car" while doing "circle work"?
__________________________________
19. Who would you like to crack on to?
__________________________________
20. Who is the most Australian: Kevin "Bloody" Wilson, John "True Blue" Williamson, Kylie Minogue or Warnie?
__________________________________
21. Is there someone you are only mates with because they own a trailer or have a pool?
_________________________________
22. What does inkin piss at a mates joint and getten para mean?

Excuse me - what's funny?? Yesus - nobody speaks proper English any more!
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Mr Nobody on October 14, 2007, 01:49:04 PM
Yes I does.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Newbs on October 14, 2007, 02:27:19 PM
Well done Bugalugs. bfbfbfbfbf I logged on this morning to post this joke, which is doing the rounds on the internet at the moment, to see that I had dawdled too long. 

Few points.
8.  Is "wedgie" particularly an Australian expression?  I don't think so.
9.  I do know a couple described so, except her name is not Cheryl but Shaz.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Acjade on October 14, 2007, 03:08:13 PM
We often ate 10. But I think mum used sliced string beans instead of the cabbage. I have a memory of her finding the recipe in the Women's Weekly before it was published monthly and became known as the rag mag.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Bugalugs on October 14, 2007, 07:23:04 PM
Yeah i was surprised to see the number 10 meal, it was almost a weekly even on my family menu, but i always enjoyed it way more the next day when my mum added scrambled egg.

Maybe not fun but i liked it lol, some times it was a little too close to the stuff in my life back home.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: DaDan on October 15, 2007, 07:16:10 AM

Looking for a rich husband

What am I doing wrong?

Okay, I'm tired of beating around the bush. I'm a beautiful
(spectacularly beautiful) 25 year old girl. I'm articulate and classy.
I'm not from New York. I'm looking to get married to a guy who makes at
least half a million a year. I know how that sounds, but keep in mind
that a million a year is middle class in New York City, so I don't think
I'm overreaching at all.

Are there any guys who make 500K or more on this board? Any wives? Could
you send me some tips? I dated a business man who makes average around
200 - 250. But that's where I seem to hit a roadblock. 250,000 won't get
me to central park west. I know a woman in my yoga class who was married
to an investment banker and lives in Tribeca, and she's not as pretty as
I am, nor is she a great genius. So what is she doing right? How do I
get to her level?

Here are my questions specifically:

- Where do you single rich men hang out? Give me specifics- bars,
restaurants, gyms

-What are you looking for in a mate? Be honest guys, you won't hurt my
feelings

-Is there an age range I should be targeting (I'm 25)?

- Why are some of the women living lavish lifestyles on the upper east
side so plain? I've seen really 'plain jane' boring types who have
nothing to offer married to incredibly wealthy guys. I've seen drop dead
gorgeous girls in singles bars in the east village. What's the story
there?

- Jobs I should look out for? Everyone knows - lawyer, investment
banker, doctor. How much do those guys really make? And where do they
hang out? Where do the hedge fund guys hang out?

- How you decide marriage vs. just a girlfriend? I am looking for
MARRIAGE ONLY

Please hold your insults - I'm putting myself out there in an honest
way. Most beautiful women are superficial; at least I'm being up front
about it. I wouldn't be searching for these kind of guys if I wasn't
able to match them - in looks, culture, sophistication, and keeping a
nice home and hearth.



The answer

Quote:
Dear Pers-431649184:

I read your posting with great interest and have thought meaningfully
about your dilemma. I offer the following analysis of your predicament.
Firstly, I'm not wasting your time, I qualify as a guy who fits your
bill; that is I make more than $500K per year. That said here's how I
see it.

Your offer, from the prospective of a guy like me, is plain and simple a
crappy business deal. Here's why. Cutting through all the B.S., what you
suggest is a simple trade: you bring your looks to the party and I bring
my money. Fine, simple. But here's the rub, your looks will fade and my
money will likely continue into perpetuity...in fact, it is very likely
that my income increases but it is an absolute certainty that you won't
be getting any more beautiful!

So, in economic terms you are a depreciating asset and I am an earning
asset. Not only are you a depreciating asset, your depreciation
accelerates! Let me explain, you're 25 now and will likely stay pretty
hot for the next 5 years, but less so each year. Then the fade begins in
earnest. By 35 stick a fork in you!

So in Wall Street terms, we would call you a trading position, not a buy
and hold...hence the rub...marriage. It doesn't make good business sense
to "buy you" (which is what you're asking) so I'd rather lease. In case
you think I'm being cruel, I would say the following. If my money were
to go away, so would you, so when your beauty fades I need an out. It's
as simple as that. So a deal that makes sense is dating, not marriage.

Separately, I was taught early in my career about efficient markets. So,
I wonder why a girl as "articulate, classy and spectacularly beautiful"
as you has been unable to find your sugar daddy. I find it hard to
believe that if you are as gorgeous as you say you are that the $500K
hasn't found you, if not only for a tryout.

By the way, you could always find a way to make your own money and then
we wouldn't need to have this difficult conversation.

With all that said, I must say you're going about it the right way.
Classic "pump and dump."
I hope this is helpful, and if you want to enter into some sort of
lease, let me know. 
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Con ate dog on October 16, 2007, 01:47:31 AM
 bkbkbkbkbk Best in a long time!
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Granny Mae on October 16, 2007, 10:18:33 PM
Re 2007 Australian Citizenship Test.

Thought I'd go to an Aussie expert on this one, so Lotus Eater, what is your opinion of No.22? Iv'e heard of sinkin piss, but never inkin piss ; what do you think? Didn't want to pass on the wrong info to an American friend.

Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Lotus Eater on October 16, 2007, 11:21:13 PM
I think it is a typo - far as I can see it should be 'sinking' - and that leads to getting para.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Newbs on October 17, 2007, 12:45:17 AM
Agree with Lotus.
A translation of 22 is drinking beer at a friend's place until you pass out. jjjjjjjjjj
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Mr Nobody on October 17, 2007, 03:27:57 AM
 7. "fagged" means tired, they mean "can't be fucked".
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Granny Mae on October 17, 2007, 08:03:03 PM
Thanks Lotus Eater, Newbs and Mr N. I now only need to clarify 6.b.and c. Believe it or not,I'm an old bushie and should know. Don't want to make a fool of myself in front of the yank friend!
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Newbs on October 17, 2007, 09:28:34 PM
Quote
b) You're going home in the back of a ?
c) Fair crack of the ?
You're going home in the back of a divvy van.  A divvy van is slang for divisional van, the kind the cops drive around and put suspects in to take them, not home, but to the nearest police station.  This is often set up as a chant at the cricket, after a few hours consumption of beer had been maintained, and the cops come to arrest someone who has gone a little overboard.  Ahhh, memories.

Fair crack of the whip.  It means to give someone a fair go at something.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Granny Mae on October 19, 2007, 12:52:36 PM
Thanks Newbs. I was wrong about the divvy van and I've even been in one! (The result at the the police station was .045 bfbfbfbfbf)but the rest of that story is probably better told in the ladies lounge one day. uuuuuuuuuu
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: teleplayer on October 24, 2007, 05:11:29 AM
A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a costume party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a costume company to explain his problem. A few days later he received a parcel with the following note:


Dear Sir,
 Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.



The man thinks this is terrible because they have emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and he receives another parcel and a note, which says:



Dear Sir,
 Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and, with your bald head, you will really look the part.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.



Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head so again he writes the company another nasty letter of complaint. The next day he gets a small parcel and a note which reads:



Dear Sir,

 Please find enclosed a bottle of molasses and a bag of crushed nuts.
Pour the molasses over your bald head, pat on crushed nuts, stick your wooden leg up your arse and go as a caramel apple.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Mr Nobody on October 25, 2007, 04:59:03 PM
I don't believe that was a true story.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: DaDan on October 26, 2007, 02:51:00 PM
There was a man who had a problem getting an erection so he goes to the doctor. The doctor takes all kinds of tests and finally decides that he can cure the man.
The doctor tells the man to go home and wait until his wife is asleep, and then to reach down between her legs and get a little love juice on his finger and rub it under his nose, and that this would stimulate his brain and then he would get an erection.
The man takes the doctor's advice and that night after his wife has gone to sleep he reaches down between her legs and gets some of her juice and he rubs it on his upper lip right under his nose.
After a minute or two he starts to feel a tingling between his legs, so he grabs some more juice and rubs it under his nose. The next thing he knows he has a full erection.
He is real excited he wakes up his wife to share in the good news. He wakes her up and says look what I have.
She rolls over and looked at him and says "You wake me up at two in the morning to show me that you have a Bloody Nose???

Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Lotus Eater on October 28, 2007, 04:28:25 AM
Thanks for all the emails:

Dear all,

My thanks to all those who have sent me emails this past year........

I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat Poo in the glue
on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that
needs sealing.

Also, I now have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny
Brown); who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the
$15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating
in their special e-mail program .....

Or from the senior bank clerk in Nigeria who wants me to split $7 million
with me for pretending to be a long lost relative of a customer who died intestate.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out
for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water
buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you,

I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward e-mail to
seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca-Cola because it can remove
toilet stains.

I no longer can buy petrol without taking a man along to watch the car so a
serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a
perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number
for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore
and Uzbekistan.

Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown
African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it
bites my bum.

And thanks to your great advice,

I can't even pick up the $20.00 I found dropped in the car park because it
probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to
grab my leg.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70
minutes, a large dove with diarrhoea will land on your head at 5:00pm this
afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you
to grow a hairy hump.

I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next
door neighbour's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician.

By the way....a South American scientist after a lengthy study has
discovered that people with low IQ who have infrequent sexual activity
always read their e-mails with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: AMonk on October 28, 2007, 04:40:23 AM
Ya got me!!!!  I resemble that (last) remark!! oooooooooo
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Mr Nobody on October 29, 2007, 08:19:06 AM
Yep, very funny. What cracked me up most was I DIDN't have my hand on the mouse, for once, but on my drink. Heh.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Lotus Eater on November 10, 2007, 12:11:08 AM
The following people are suddenly stranded by, as you might expect, a
shipwreck:

2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
2 French men and 1 French woman
2 German men and 1 German woman
2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
2 English men and 1 English woman
2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman
2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman
2 Chinese men and 1 Chinese woman
2 American men and 1 American woman
2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman

One month later the following things have occurred :

One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.

The two French men and the French woman are living happily together
in a menage-a-trois.

The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating
visits with the German woman.

The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman
is cleaning and cooking for them.

The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the
English woman.

The two Bulgarian men took one long look at the endless ocean,
another long look at the Bulgarian woman, and started swimming.

The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.

The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy, a liquor store, a
restaurant and a laundry, and have got the woman pregnant in order to
supply employees for their stores.

The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide
because the American woman endlessly complains about her body; the true
nature of feminism; how she can do everything they can do; the necessity of
fulfilment; the equal division of household chores; how sand and
palm trees make her arse look fat; how her last boyfriend respected her
opinion and treated her nicer than they do; how her relationship with
her mother is improving and how at least the taxes are low and it isn't
raining.

The two Irish men have divided the island into North and South and
set up a distillery. They don't remember if sex is in the picture
because it gets sort of foggy after the first few litres of coconut whisky.
But they're satisfied, because at least the English aren't having any fun.

Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: AMonk on November 10, 2007, 01:00:20 AM
 bkbkbkbkbk axaxaxaxax  And mostly true, too!!
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Mr Nobody on November 12, 2007, 07:02:29 AM
And probably the coconut whiskey tastes damn good, too.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Bugalugs on November 12, 2007, 06:04:09 PM
Not really that funny but clever..

Someone out there either has too much spare time or is deadly at Scrabble.
(Wait till you see the last one)!

DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER

DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE :
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY

ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE

AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:
MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER

Yep! Someone with waaaaaaaaaaay too much time on their hands! (Probably a son-in-law)
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: George on November 16, 2007, 12:13:14 PM
Probably not all true...but funny!

TOP CRICKET SLEDGES
With Cricket season upon us and everyone trying to beat the Aussies there's no doubt tempers will fray. This is what we miss when they switch the mikes off....

Rod Marsh & Ian Botham
When Botham took guard in an Ashes match, Marsh welcomed him to the wicket with the immortal words "So how's your wife and my kids?" The reply from Botham was "My wife's fine, your kids are retarded".

Daryl Cullinan & Shane Warne
As Cullinan was on his way to the wicket, Warne told him he had been waiting two years for another chance to humiliate him. "Looks like you spent it eating," Cullinan retorted.

Glenn McGrath (bowling to portly Zimbabwean chicken farmer Eddo Brandes)
"Hey Eddo, why are you so fucking fat?" Eddo Brandes "Because every time I fuck your mother, she throws me a biscuit."

Robin Smith & Merv Hughes
During 1989 Lords Test, Hughes said to Smith after he played and missed "You can't fucking bat." Smith to Hughes after he smacked him to the boundary "Hey Merv, we make a fine pair. I can't fucking bat and you can't fucking bowl.

Merv Hughes & Javed Miandad
During 1991 Adelaide Test, Javed called Merv a fat bus conductor. A few balls later Merv dismissed Javed. "Tickets please," Merv called out as he ran past the departing batsman.

Merv Hughes & Viv Richards
During a test match in the West Indies, Hughes didn't say a word to Viv, but continued to stare at him after deliveries. "This is my island, my culture. Don't you be staring at me. In my culture we just bowl." Merv didn't reply, but after he dismissed him he announced to the batsman "In my culture we just say fuck off."

Ian Healy & Arjuna Ranatunga
And of course you can't forget Ian Healy's legendary comment which was picked up by the Channel 9 microphones when Arjuna Ranatunga called for a runner on a particularly hot night during a one-dayer in Sydney "You don't get a runner for being an overweight, unfit, fat cunt!"

James Ormond & Mark Waugh
Ormand had just come out to bat on an Ashes tour and was greeted by Mark Waugh. Mark Waugh "Fuck me, look who it is. Mate, what are you doing out here? There's no way you're good enough to play for England." James Ormond "Maybe not, but at least I'm the best player in my family."

Glenn McGrath & Ramnaresh Sarwan
McGrath to Sarwan "So what does Brian Lara's dick taste like?" Sarwan "I don't know. Ask your wife." McGrath (losing it) "If you ever fucking mention my wife again, I'll fucking rip your fucking throat out!"

Mark Waugh & Adam Parore
Waugh standing at second slip, the new player (Parore) comes to the crease playing and missing the first ball. Mark "Oh, I remember you from a couple years ago in Australia. You were shit then, you're fucking useless now." Parore (turning around) "Yeah, that's me. And when I was there you were going out with that old, ugly slut. And now I hear you've married her, you dumb cunt!"

Ian Healy & Arjuna Ranatunga
Yet another Australian witticism with this time porky Sri Lankan batsman Arjuna Ranatunga the victim. Shane Warne, trying to tempt the batsman out of his crease mused what it took to get the plump character to get out of his crease and drive. Wicketkeeper Ian Healy piped up "Put a Mars Bar on a good length. That should do it."

Malcolm Marshall & David Boon
Malcolm Marshall was bowling to David Boon who had played and missed a couple of times. Marshall "Now, David, are you going to get out now or am I going to have to bowl around the wicket and kill you?"

Fred Trueman & Raman Subba Row
Fred Trueman bowling. The batsman edges and the ball goes to first slip and right between Raman Subba Row's legs. Fred doesn't say a word. At the end of the over, Row ambles past Trueman and apologises sheepishly "I should've kept my legs together, Fred." "So should your mother," he replied.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: cheekygal on November 21, 2007, 08:44:29 PM
I will seek and find you .
I shall take you to bed and have my way with you

I will make you ache, shake & sweat until you moan & groan.

I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop.

I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I'm finished with you.

And, when I am finished, you will be weak for days.

All my love,

The Flu
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Lotus Eater on November 23, 2007, 05:42:25 PM

 
Question : What is the truest definition of Globalisation?   
   
Answer : Princess Diana's death. 
 
Question : How come? 
   
Answer :
 
An English princess with an Egyptian boyfriend crashes in a French tunnel, driving in a German car with a Dutch engine, driven by a Belgian who was drunk on Scottish whisky, followed closely by Italian Paparazzi, on Japanese motorcycles; treated by an American doctor, using Brazilian medicines.
 
This is sent to you by an Australian, using Bill Gates's technology, and you're probably reading this on your computer, that uses Taiwanese chips, and a Korean monitor, assembled by Bangladeshi workers in a Singapore plant, transported by Indian lorry-drivers, hijacked by Indonesians, unloaded by Maltese wharfies, and trucked to you by Kiwi freeloaders. (If you are living in Oz at the moment).
   
That, my friends, is Globalisation!
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: ericthered on November 24, 2007, 01:51:18 AM
 ahahahahah ahahahahah ahahahahah
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Con ate dog on November 28, 2007, 04:58:28 AM
A woman from Vancouver, who was a tree hugger and anti-hunter, purchased acres of timberland, near Lake Cowichan, Vancouver Island.  There was a huge tree on one of the highest points in the tract.  She  wanted to view the natural splendor of her land, so she climbed the tree.  As she neared the top, she encountered a spotted owl .  It attacked her!   In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground.  The ensuing fall incurred several splinters of wood: in her crotch.
 
In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor, 35 minutes away, in Duncan.  She told him she was an environmentalist and anti-hunter and how she came to receive all of the splinters.  The doctor listened to her story with great patience.  He then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help. The impatient patient sat, and sat, and waited for three hours before the doctor reappeared. 
 
The angry woman demanded, 'What took you so long?'
 
He smiled and said , 'Well, I had to get permits from Environment Canada, the BC Forest Service and Worksafe BC before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area.  I'm sorry, but they turned me down.'
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Bugalugs on November 28, 2007, 05:00:15 AM
You just wanted some one with a funnier crotch story than yours hehehe
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Con ate dog on November 28, 2007, 05:54:58 AM
 cccccccccc


Sask. vs Winnipeg

Once upon a time, there was a season when neither Sask. nor Winnipeg made a post-season play off game.
 
It seemed so unusual that the teams figured there should be some sort of competition anyway.
 
So they got together and decided on a week-long ice-fishing competition.
 
On the first day, the Bombers caught 100 fish and Riders caught none.
 
On the second day, Bombers had caught 200 fish and Riders still had zero.
 
The Sask coach, suspecting cheating, dressed one of his players in blue and gold and sent him to the Bombers camp to act as a spy.
 
At the end of the day, the player came back to the report.
 
"Are they cheating?" asked the coach. 
 
"They sure are," the player said. "They're cutting holes in the ice!"

Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: teleplayer on November 28, 2007, 10:51:26 AM
Warning -- graphic images of Polar Bear attack in Churchill, Manitoba, Canada!

These are pictures of an actual polar bear attack in Churchill.  These pictures were taken while people watched and could do nothing to stop the attack!

Reports from the local newspaper say that the victim will make a full recovery...












(http://i125.photobucket.com/albums/p80/tele-tink/Personal%20photos%20of%20Teleplayer/BearAttack-ExplicitPhotosED.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: ericthered on November 28, 2007, 11:07:19 AM
Yeah, very cute but rememeber, once animal gets a taste for shoes, it will never be the same again.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Acjade on November 28, 2007, 11:09:35 AM
Aww...

Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: AMonk on November 28, 2007, 09:16:36 PM
 bfbfbfbfbf Love it!! agagagagag
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Stil on November 29, 2007, 01:29:03 AM
Uh, Where's momma bear?
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Acjade on November 29, 2007, 02:07:06 AM
Where is BABA bear?
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: ericthered on November 29, 2007, 02:31:02 AM
Look behind you...
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Con ate dog on November 30, 2007, 05:48:35 AM
 GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN

         Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa, half
         discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful with fertile soil.

         Between 23 and 30, a woman is like America, well developed
         and open to trade, especially for someone with cash.

         Between 31 and 35, a woman is like India, very hot,
         relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.

         Between 36 and 40, a woman is like France, gently aging
         but still warm and a desirable place to visit.

         Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain, with a
         glorious and all conquering past.

         Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Yugoslavia, lost the
         war and haunted by past mistakes.

         Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Russia, very wide and
         borders are now un-patrolled.

         After 70, she becomes T. Wildly beautiful, with a
         mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages....only those with an
         adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge visit
         there.
 
 
         GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN

         Between 1 and 70, a man is like Iran     -    ruled by a dick.


Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Con ate dog on November 30, 2007, 06:07:11 AM
Question:

How  do you tell the difference between a Canadian Police Officer, Australian  Police Officer, and an American Police Officer?

Pose  the following question:

You're  walking down a deserted street .Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a  huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams  obscenities, raises the knife, and charges. You are carrying a Glock 40,  and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you  and your family.

What do you do?

CANADIAN  POLICE OFFICERS

Answer:  (Immediate thought processes) Is  the knife a ceremonial kirpan? Does  he prefer to communicate in English or French?

Will this negatively  impact my chances of promotion?

Is this just his way of telling me that  he pays my wages, and wants my job?

Would this be an appropriate time  to hug him and sing Koombaya?

Will the media do a profile of him and  how he was loved by everyone including his dog?

Is the alleged "client"  a member of the NDP or an Environmental Group?

Is he just a squeegee  kid / pan handler trying to make a living on the mean streets?

Is he a  member of a gang that is just "misunderstood" by society?

Is he a  recent illegal immigrant to this country, and just doesn't know how to  approach the police?

Is he recently released on parole and hasn't been  properly integrated back into the community?

Is he a victim of fetal  alcohol syndrome, and just doesn't understand what he is doing?

Is he a  member of the Muslim community or other visible minority group?

Warn  and Charter him as he approaches. 

AUSTRALIAN  OFFICERS

Answer:  BANG!



AMERICAN  OFFICERS Answer:  BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

BANG! BANG!  BANG! Click.... (Sounds of reloading) BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!  BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click.

Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Bugalugs on December 04, 2007, 03:38:39 AM
George W. Bush, his wife Laura, and Dick Cheney were all flying on Air Force One.

George looked at Laura, chuckled and said, "You know, I could throw a $1,000 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy."

Laura shrugged her shoulders and replied, "I could throw ten $100 bills out of the window and make ten people very happy."

Cheney added, "That being the case, I could throw one hundred $1 bills out of the window and make a hundred people very happy."

Hearing their exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes and said to his co-pilot, "Such big-shots back there. Shit, I could throw all of your asses out the window and make 56 million people very happy."

If you're one of those 56 million...Repost
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Bugalugs on December 06, 2007, 06:03:03 PM
Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die!

This is so priceless and so easy to see happening - customer service, being what it is today!

A lady died this past January, and ANZ bank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00, now is somewhere around $60.00.

A family member placed a call to the ANZ Bank:

Family Member:
'I am calling to tell you that she died in January.'

ANZ:
'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'

Family Member:
'Maybe, you should turn it over to collections.'

ANZ:
'Since it is two months past due, it already has been.'

Family Member:
So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?'

ANZ:
'Either report her account to the frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!'

Family Member:
'Do you think God will be mad at her?'

ANZ:
'Excuse me?'

Family Member:
'Did you just get what I was telling you . . . The part about her being dead?'

ANZ:
'Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor.'

Supervisor gets on the phone:
Family Member:
'I'm calling to tell you, she died in January.'

ANZ:
'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'

Family Member:
'You mean you want to collect from her estate?'

ANZ:
(Stammer) 'Are you her lawyer?'

Family Member:
'No, I'm her great nephew.'(Lawyer info given)

ANZ:
'Could you fax us a certificate of death?'

Family Member:
'Sure.'( fax number is given )

After they get the fax:
ANZ:
'Our system just isn't set up for death. I don't know what more I can do to help.'

Family Member:
'Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. I don't think she will care.'

ANZ:
'Well, the late fees and charges do still apply.'

Family Member:
'Would you like her new billing address?'

ANZ:
'That might help.'

Family Member:
'Rookwood Memorial Cemetery, 1249 Centenary Rd, Sydney Plot Number 1049.'

ANZ:
'Sir, that's a cemetery!'

Family Member:
'Well, what the **** do you do with dead people on your planet?'

Maybe not funny but certainly bureaucracy at its best
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: ericthered on December 07, 2007, 01:54:47 AM
Hilarious...and inspiring. I mean, haven't you noticed the Chinese tradition of burning mock paper money when relatives die? And those huge paper houses, with small kettles, stoves and even pets in them? Letters and bills for the dead would then have a meaning, you have to pay them off, even in the afterlife! I wonder then if you can set up a pre-death savings account? I'll go burn one gazillion dollars right now, just to be on the safe side agagagagag

And cemetery plots could have mail boxes. And the postal service could have a whole new department, The Dead Letter Office, where all letters to the dead would go. Neither rain, nor hail and snow and death and all that...
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Acjade on December 07, 2007, 02:23:03 AM
 ahahahahah  ahahahahah  ahahahahah
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Bugalugs on December 09, 2007, 12:01:47 AM
Dear Mr. Government,

Re: Passports

Dear Mr. Minister,

I'm in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe this. How is it that Radio Shack has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a t.v. cable from them back in 1997, and yet the Federal Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date.

For crying out loud, do you guys do this by hand? My birth date you have on my social insurance card, is on all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 30 years, my health insurance card, my driver's license, on the last eight bloody passports I've had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off the planes over the last 30 years, and all those insufferable census forms that are done at election times.

Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's name is Maryanne, my father's name is Robert and I'd be absolutely astounded if that ever changed between now and when I die!

I apologize, Mr. Minister. I'm really pissed off this morning. Between you an' me, I've had enough! You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my address. What is going on? You have a gang of Neanderthals workin' there?!

Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I don't want to dig up Yasser Arafat, for crying out loud. I just want to go and park my butt on a sandy beach. And would someone please tell me, why would you give a shit whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days?! If I ever got the urge to do something weird to a chicken or a goat, believe you me, I'd sure as hell not want to tell anyone!

Well, I have to go now, 'cause I have to go to the other end of the city and get another copy of my birth certificate, to the tune of $60! Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day?? Nooooo, that'd be too easy and maybe make sense.

You'd rather have us running all over the place like chickens with our heads cut off, then find some asshole to confirm that it's really me on the stupid picture - you know, the one where we're not allowed to smile?! Hey, you know why we can't smile? We're ticked off!

Signed - An Irate Australian Citizen
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: AMonk on December 09, 2007, 01:18:09 AM
ANTI-RELIGION GROUP BLAMES HOLY MAN!!

In California yesterday, a group of atheists blamed the latest earthquake on a noted, local holy man.  "It's all that San Andreas' fault," one man said.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Acjade on December 09, 2007, 01:44:43 AM
PS.

Dear Sir/Madam,

In the the last fortnight you have spent how many tax payer's dollar's in an official airforce flyover of my late father's passing. Etc,. etc.,

Yours Sincerely,

Jane Citizen
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: old34 on December 09, 2007, 04:32:27 AM
This is an old one...I received it from a newsgroup in 1990. (Yes One Nine Nine Zero!)

It's always appropriate at this time of year. Enjoy!

[Formatting is the original]

 /* ---------- "Twelve Thankyou Notes of Christmas" ---------- */

         THE TWELVE THANKYOU NOTES OF CHRISTMAS
 
 My dearest darling Edward,                        Dec 25
    What a wonderful surprise has just greeted me!  That
 sweet partridge, in that lovely little pear-tree; what
 an enchanting, romantic, poetic present!  Bless you, and
 thank you.
                     Your deeply loving
                               Emily.
 
 Beloved Edward,                                   Dec 26
    The two turtle-doves arrived this morning, and are cooing
 away in the pear-tree as I write.  I'm so touched and grateful!
                     With undying love, as always,
                               Emily.
 
 My darling Edward,                                Dec 27
    You do think of the most original presents!  Who ever
 thought of sending anybody three French hens?  Do they
 really come all the way from France?  It's a pity we have
 no chicken coops, but I expect we'll find some.  Anyway,
 thankyou so much; they're lovely.
                    Your devoted Emily.

 Dearest Edward,                                   Dec 28
    What a surprise!  Four calling birds arrived this morning.
 They are very sweet, even if they do call rather loudly -
 they make telephoning almost impossible - but I expect they'll
 calm down when they get used to their new home.  Anyway, I'm
 very grateful, of course I am.
                     Love from Emily.
 
 Dearest Edward,                                   Dec 29
    The mailman has just delivered five most beautiful gold
 rings, one for each finger, and all fitting perfectly!
 A really lovely present!  Lovelier, in a way, than birds,
 which do take rather a lot of looking after.  The four that
 arrived yesterday are still making a terrible row, and I'm
 afraid none of us got much sleep last night.  Mother says
 she wants to use the rings to "wring" their necks.  Mother
 has such a sense of humor.  This time she's only joking,
 I think, but I do know what she means.  Still, I love the rings.
                     Bless you,
                          Emily.
 
 Dear Edward,                                      Dec 30
    Whatever I expected to find when I opened the front door
 this morning, it certainly wasn't six socking great geese
 laying eggs all over the porch.  Frankly, I rather hoped
 that you had stopped sending me birds.  We have no room
 for them, and they've already ruined the croquet lawn.
 I know you meant well, but let's call a halt, shall we?
                     Love,
                          Emily.
 
 Edward,                                           Dec 31
    I thought I said NO MORE BIRDS.  This morning I woke
 up to find no more than seven swans, all trying to get
 into our tiny goldfish pond.  I'd rather not think what's
 happened to the goldfish.  The whole house seems to be
 full of birds, to say nothing of what they leave behind
 them, so please, please, stop!
                     Your Emily.
 
                                                   Jan 1
    Frankly, I prefer the birds.  What am I to do with eight
milkmaids?  And their cows!  Is this some kind of a joke?
If so, I'm afraid I don't find it very amusing.
                    Emily.
 
 Look here, Edward,                                Jan 2
    This has gone far enough.  You say you're sending me
 nine ladies dancing.  All I can say is, judging from the
 way they dance, they're certainly not ladies.  The village
 just isn't accustomed to seeing a regiment of shameless
 viragos, with nothing on but their lipstick, cavorting
 round the green, and it's Mother and I who get the blame.
 If you value our friendship, which I do (less and less),
 kindly stop this ridiculous behavior at once!
                     Emily.
 
                                                   Jan 3
    As I write this letter, ten disgusting old men are
 prancing up and down all over what used to be the garden,
 before the geese and the swans and the cows got at it.
 And several of them, I have just noticed, are taking
 inexcusable liberties with the milkmaids.  Meanwhile the
 neighbors are trying to have us evicted.  I shall never
 speak to you again.
                     Emily.
 
                                                   Jan 4
    This is the last straw!  You know I detest bagpipes!
 The place has now become something between a menagerie
 and a madhouse, and a man from the council has just
 declared it unfit for habitation.  At least Mother has
 been spared this last outrage; they took her away yesterday
 afternoon in an ambulance.  I hope you're satisfied.
 
 Sir,                                              Jan 5
    Our client, Miss Emily Wilbraham, instructs me to
 inform you that with the arrival on her premises at 7:30
 this morning of the entire percussion section of the
 London Symphony Orchestra, and several of their friends,
 she has no course left open to her but to seek an injunction
 to prevent you importuning her further.  I am making
 arrangements for the return of much assorted livestock.
                     I am, Sir, yours faithfully,
                          G. Creep,
                          Attorney at Law
 
 Author unknown.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Lone Traveller on December 09, 2007, 10:28:06 PM
A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always was to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside.
 
The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"
 
My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."

So the Pastor questioned, "Then how come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?"
 
He whispered back, "I'm in the Secret Service."
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: old34 on December 10, 2007, 05:25:24 PM
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual,
when Tim Finnegan, her husband's best friend arrives at her door.

"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks, "I've somethin' to tell ya".

"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim,
"But where's my husband?"

"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda."
There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."

"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."

"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus
is dead and gone. I'm sorry."
 
Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"

"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat
Of Guinness Stout and drowned."

"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me truth, Tim .
Did he at least go quickly?"

"Well, Brenda... no. In fact,
he got out three times to pee."



Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: teleplayer on December 21, 2007, 07:14:35 AM
This "little gem" made me think of EricTheRed. Don't know why. He's not in Poland, but....


Subject: And people are bidding on it!

http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=320196148761 (http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=320196148761)
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: ericthered on December 21, 2007, 07:31:32 AM
Thank you agagagagag agagagagag If I had the money, I would so bid for it!
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Kavahead on December 21, 2007, 03:10:25 PM
Two aliens exploring outer space are circling the earth in their UFO. One of them comments "This planet has developed satellite based weaponry."
The other muses "Perhaps we have at long last discovered intelligent life in this galaxy."
"Nope" the first one responds. "They have pointed the weapons at themselves...."
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Mr Nobody on December 22, 2007, 12:42:04 AM
 ahahahahah bfbfbfbfbf
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: ericthered on December 22, 2007, 04:39:40 AM
Why the Little Angel is at the top of the Christmas Tree ...
On Christmas Eve Santa Claus was getting ready for his annual trip.  As he pulled his favorite pair of red pants on, they ripped.  So, he had to take them off and put on another pair, which was a bit too tight.  He then went to check on the rest of the preparations.  The elves were on strike.  The reindeer had shin-splints.  At this point, Santa was BUMMED.  He went into the kitchen to take a calming drink, and the bottle was EMPTY.  Now he was really mad.  All of sudden, there was a knock at the door.  Santa, in his angry state, ignored it.  There was another knock.  Santa was in no mood for all of this. When the knock came again, Santa--filled with rage--threw open the door.  Standing there was a little angel who said, "Hi Santa!  What do you want me to do with this Christmas Tree?"


Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Bugalugs on December 22, 2007, 04:45:30 AM
An oldie but a goodie :):)
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Bugalugs on December 22, 2007, 04:52:42 AM
A raggedy-assed old nun was walking home from the convent one evening, when an old man jumped out from the bushes and had his way with her.

Then the man said:
"What will you tell the Holy Father *now*, Sister?"

And the nun replied:
"I must tell the truth! I will say I was walking home from the convent when a man jumped out from the bushes, attacked me and had his way with me TWICE,...... unless you're too tired."
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: ericthered on December 22, 2007, 10:08:19 AM
Killing Elf Ego


An male elf was so paranoid about the size of his willy that he could
never work up the courage to have sex. Then one day he fell in love
with a elf nurse.

One fine evening, they went back to her place. She put on some soft
music and led him into the bedroom. Totally mortified, he told her of
his problem.

"Don't worry," She said. "I'm a nurse. I won't laugh."

Blushing the man drops his trousers. "It's OK," she said. "I've seen lots
smaller than that."

"Really?" the relieved elf asked.

She nodded. "Yes," she chuckled, "I used to work in the maternity unit."

Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Lotus Eater on December 26, 2007, 04:51:38 PM
It's a punny world.  My students like puns - after I explain them.

A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.
 
A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
 
A will is a dead giveaway.
 
Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
 
A backward poet writes inverse.
 
In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.
 
A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
 
If you don't pay your exorcist you can get re-possessed.
 
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
 
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.
 
When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
 
The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
 
A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France, resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.
 
You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
 
Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.
 
He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
 
A calendar's days are numbered.
 
A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.
 
A boiled egg is hard to beat.
 
He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
 
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
 
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
 
When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
 
If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.
 
When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
 
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
 
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
 
Acupuncture: a jab well done.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: AMonk on December 27, 2007, 02:30:36 AM
Middle-aged man is out in his backyard, tossing a kite up into the air.  The kite would go up, then flutter and fall to the ground.

His wife watched for a bit, then stuck her head out of the kitchen window.  "You need some tail," she yelled.

"I wish you'd make up your mind, woman!  Last night you told me to go fly a kite."











....or did I see this posted somewhere else in the Saloon.....on the wall outside the PitStop, perhaps??
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: DaDan on December 27, 2007, 06:38:49 AM
the wife mentioned to er hubby that she had an interesting Christmas dream...

she said there was a tree decorated only with male parts, all shapes, sizes, colors & firmness.
hubby says with a twinkle in his eye '& mine was on the top of the tree pointing to the heavens, yes?
she simply replied that no, his was in fact fully firm, but it was barely visable hangin there behind one of the soft, smaller versions towards the botton of the tree...

a day or so later, hubby tells her about the dream he had, he said it was along a simular topic, only the tree was loaded with `da kine famale part that gives them so much power.
she says, with a daring stare in er eye, `& my brain was at the top of the tree, yes?
He simple replied that no, he saw not a single brain on the tree…
But, he did notice that it was, in fact her female part that was holding the tree up.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Lone Traveller on December 30, 2007, 06:05:58 PM
A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.
 
One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says.

"Where's that lyin' monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Shroomy on December 30, 2007, 06:46:42 PM
Good one.  bkbkbkbkbk
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: AMonk on December 31, 2007, 01:09:20 AM
Why was the opera singer arrested?.......He got into treble.



What's a snake's favourite opera?.......Wriggeletto.




Why are tenors like pirates?.......They are both murder on the high C's.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Lone Traveller on December 31, 2007, 08:02:17 PM
Oh dear AM!  bibibibibi

 ahahahahah
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: kcanuck on December 31, 2007, 09:58:28 PM
Looks like someone got a book of corny jokes from Santa
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: AMonk on December 31, 2007, 11:42:24 PM
Looks like someone got a book of corny jokes from Santa


January's Readers Digest...the other RD!! afafafafaf
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Lotus Eater on January 09, 2008, 01:22:41 AM

Cinderella is now 95 years old.

After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship.

One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother.

Cinderella said, 'Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?'

The fairy godmother replied, 'Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you.  Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?'

Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish:

'The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor. I'm living hand to mouth on my disability cheques, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension.'
Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold.

Cinderella said, 'Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother'

The fairy godmother replied, 'It is the least that I can do.

What do you want for your second wish?'

Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, 'I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had.'

At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned.

Cinderella felt stirrings inside of her that had been dormant for years.

And then the fairy godmother spoke once more: 'You have one more wish; what shall it be?'

Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, 'I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man.'

Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.

The fairy godmother said, 'Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life.'

With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared.

For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful! , stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.

Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair. He held her close in his young muscular arms.

He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered.......

'Bet you're sorry you had me castrated.'
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: AMonk on January 09, 2008, 02:08:20 AM
 bkbkbkbkbk axaxaxaxax
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Lotus Eater on January 10, 2008, 06:10:41 PM
One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, 'My dear child, why are you crying?' The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family. The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with sapphires.

'Is this your thimble?' the Lord asked The seamstress replied, 'No.'

The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a golden thimble studded with rubies.

'Is this your thimble?' the Lord ask ed. Again, the seamstress replied, 'No.'

The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble.

'Is this your thimble ?' the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, 'Yes.' The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.

Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water. When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, 'Why are you crying?' 'Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!'

The Lord went down into the water and came up with George Clooney. 'Is this your husband?' the Lord asked.

'Yes,' cried the seamstress. The Lord was furious. 'You lied! That is an untruth!' The seamstress replied, 'Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to George Clooney, you would have come up with Brad Pitt.

Then if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to George Clooney.

And so the Lord let her keep him.

The moral of this story is:
Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and honorable reason, and in the best interest of others.



Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: DaDan on January 11, 2008, 11:10:42 PM
dog "quotes"

"When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem."
-- Edward Abbey

"The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue."
--Anonymous

"Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear."
-- Dave Barry

"Dogs need to sniff the ground; it's how they keep abreast of current events. The ground is a giant dog newspaper, containing all kinds of late-breaking dog news items, which, if they are especially urgent, are often continued in the next yard."
--Dave Barry

"A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down."
-- Robert Benchley

"A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself."
-- Josh Billings

"In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him."
-- Dereke Bruce, Taipei, Taiwan

"Of all the things I miss from veterinary practice, puppy breath is one of the most fond memories!"
-- Dr. Tom Cat

"You enter into a certain amount of madness when you marry a person with pets."
-- Nora Ephron

"We give dogs time we can spare, space we can spare and love we can spare. And in return, dogs give us their all. It's the best deal man has ever made"
--M. Facklam

"Dogs love their friends and bite their enemies, quite unlike people, who are incapable of pure love and always have to mix love and hate."
--Sigmund Freud

"Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea."
-- Robert A. Heinlein

"Whoever said you can't buy happiness forgot about puppies."
-- Gene Hill

"To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of dogs."
-- Aldous Huxley

"Man is a dog's idea of what God should be."
-- Holbrook Jackson

"Anybody who doesn't know what soap tastes like never washed a dog."
--Franklin P. Jones

"Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful."
-- Ann Landers

"No animal should ever jump up on the dining room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation."
-- Fran Lebowitz

"Outside of a dog, a book is probably man's best friend; inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."
-- Groucho Marx

"No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does."
-- Christopher Morley

"I wonder what goes through his mind when he sees us peeing in his water bowl."
--Penny Ward Moser

"Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives."
-- Sue Murphy

"If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went."
--Will Rogers

"The average dog is a nicer person than the average person."
--Andrew A. Rooney

"I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult."
-- Rita Rudner

"I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves."
-- August Strindberg

"If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons."
-- James Thurber

"If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man."
-- Mark Twain

"Ever consider what they must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul - chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!"
-- Anne Tyler

"My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to $3.00 a can. That's almost $21.00 in dog money."
--Joe Weinstein

"There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face."
-- Ben Williams

"Cat's motto No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it."
-- Unknown

"He is your friend, your partner, your defender, your dog. You are his life, his love, his leader. He will be yours, faithful and true, to the last beat of his heart. You owe it to him to be worthy of such devotion."
-- Unknown

"If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise."
--Unknown

"In dog years, I'm dead."
-- Unknown

"Money will buy you a pretty good dog, but it won't buy the wag of his tail."
-- Unknown

"Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant."
-- Unknown

"Things that upset a terrier may pass virtually unnoticed by a Great Dane."
-- Unknown
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: ericthered on January 11, 2008, 11:19:16 PM
"Things that upset a terrier may pass virtually unnoticed by a Great Dane."
-- Unknown


Truer words have seldom been written. Great list DaDan bfbfbfbfbf agagagagag agagagagag
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Con ate dog on January 15, 2008, 11:21:31 PM
"Outside of a dog, a book is probably man's best friend; inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."
-- Groucho Marx

The end caught me off guard, and I disrupted the office.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Bugalugs on January 15, 2008, 11:54:09 PM
I love that on it's now on my msn :D :D :D
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: ericthered on January 17, 2008, 01:46:08 AM
"You know that you are too old when sitting in the livingroom, your wife says "ley's run upstairs and make love" and you reply, "I can't do both".

A man was married to a woman who had a thing for cars. One day she said, " I want something that goes from zero to 160 in 10 seconds" whereupon he bought her some bathroom scales.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Lotus Eater on January 17, 2008, 01:51:46 AM
A man was married to a woman who had a thing for cars. One day she said, " I want something that goes from zero to 160 in 10 seconds" whereupon he bought her some bathroom scales.

How long did she allow him to live while she excruciatingly tortured him?
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Stil on January 17, 2008, 03:32:00 AM
A man was married to a woman who had a thing for cars. One day she said, " I want something that goes from zero to 160 in 10 seconds" whereupon he bought her some bathroom scales.

How long did she allow him to live while she excruciatingly tortured him?

By sitting on him?
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: latefordinner on January 17, 2008, 04:55:26 AM
I'l have you know that I not only survived, I'm on my second marriage. She hurt long after she let me go, but I survived.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Acjade on February 04, 2008, 11:37:51 AM

How to Describe an Idiot.

1.A few fries short of a Happy Meal.
 
2.A few beers short of a six-pack.
 
3.A few feathers short of a whole duck.
 
4.Couldn't pour water out of a boot with the instructions on the heel.
 
5.An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
 
6.The wheel is spinning but the hamster is dead.

7.A few bricks shy of a full load.

8.Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.

9.Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.

10.Dumber than a box of hair.

11.Fell out of the stupid tree and hit all of the branches on the way down.

12.Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.

13.Doesn't know much, but leads the league in nostril hair.

14.Forgot to pay his brain bill.

15.A few clowns short of a circus.

16.If he had another brain it would be lonely.

17.Too much yardage between the goal posts.
 
18.An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.

19.A few peas short of a casserole.

20.Doesn't have all his corn flakes in one bowl.

21.All foam no beer.

22.The cheese slid off of his cracker.
 
23.Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.

24.Has an IQ of 2, but it takes 3 to grunt.
 
25.As smart as bait.

26.Chimney's clogged.

27.Her sewing machine is out of thread.
 
28.His antenna doesn't get all of the channels.

29.Missing a few buttons on the remote control.
 
30.His belt doesn't go through all the loops.
 
31.In the pinball game of life, his flippers are a little too far apart.

32.Receiver is off the hook.

33.Several nuts short of a full pouch.

34.No grain in the silo.

35.Skylight leaks a little.

36.Slinky's kinked.

37.Surfing in Nebraska.

Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: George on February 04, 2008, 11:49:49 AM
38. If his brains was dynamite, they wouldn't part his hair.
39. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
40. A few ants short of a picnic.
41. As thick as two short planks.
42. As thick as a brick.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Acjade on February 04, 2008, 01:30:53 PM
How to Give a Cat a Pill

1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
 
2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right fore-finger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9) Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10) Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus jab. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss-back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12) Ring fire brigade to retrieve the fuc-ing cat from tree across the road. Apologise to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.

13) Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14) Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15) Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

How to Give A Dog A Pill:
1) Wrap it in bacon.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: kcanuck on February 04, 2008, 01:46:33 PM
 bkbkbkbkbk, yet another reason why I am a dog person.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Con ate dog on February 04, 2008, 10:13:07 PM
 bkbkbkbkbk  I've done it.  In the end I just crushed the pill and poured thedust on the cat's belly.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: teleplayer on February 06, 2008, 08:52:55 AM
While I wait for photobucket maintenance to get to my good funny, I would like to propose this as part of the Saloon's Environmental Impact Statment. (Everyone establishement in China has to post one. Right?)

"In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is strength, in water there is bacteria."

Apologies for not knowing the real author.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: DaDan on February 06, 2008, 03:55:34 PM
A woman went to the emergency room, where she was seen by a young new
doctor. After about 3 minutes in the examination room, the doctor
told her she was pregnant.

She burst out of the room and ran down the corridor screaming. An
older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was; after
listening to her story, he calmed her down and sat her in another
room.

Then the doctor marched down the hallway to the first doctor's
room. "What in the world is wrong with you?" he demanded. "This woman
is 63 years old, she has two grown children and several
grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?!!

The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without
looking up said:
"Does she still have the hiccups?"
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: DaDan on February 06, 2008, 03:59:33 PM
A sex researcher called one of his participants in a recent survey to check on a discrepancy.
"Sir, in response to the question of frequency of intercourse" the researcher said, "you answered 'twice weekly.' Your wife, on the other hand, said 'several times per night.' How could this be correct?"

"That's right," the man said, "and that's the way its going to stay until the house is paid off!"
____________________________________

Debbie went to her gynecologist when she got her vibrator stuck inside of her.

"To remove that vibrator," said the doctor, "I'm going to have to perform a very long and delicate operation."

"I don't think I can afford that" said Debbie. "Could you just replace the batteries?"
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: DaDan on February 06, 2008, 04:05:43 PM
A BEER IS BETTER…

The Bangkok version

Editors Note: Thanks to the merry group of beer drinkers om another forum (John, John, and John), who endured several nights out in Patpong, Soi Cowboy and NEP brainstorming this version. The groups combined total of more than 85 years living in Thailand (and only God knows how many beers & women) allows them to speak with experience.

Beer never calls or writes to ask for money.
Beer doesn’t ask for gold jewelry.
A beer is the best thing to pick up at the Marine Bar.
Beer never asks where you came from (or what your name is).
Beer never has a sick mother.
Beer doesn’t need to be fed every two hours.
Beer doesn’t wear a number.
You don’t need to wear a condom to drink a beer.
You can drink a beer EVERYDAY of the month.
Beer doesn’t have a sister with absolutely NO family resemblance.
Beer has a good reputation.
Beer makes you want more.
Beer won’t show up or call the next day.
Beer doesn’t have a friend named Noi.
Beer knows when to leave.
Beer always tastes good.
Beer never leaves you disappointed when you take off the label.
After you’ve had a beer…no one else can.
Beer gives a bitter head.
Beer doesn’t hang around.
You can be certain you’re the first one to open a beer.
Beer can’t make a long distance call on your mobile when you’re in the toilet.
A beer doesn’t want to sit on your lap.
Beer never worked for the Kings Group.
Beer never worked at a Rainbow Bar.
Beer can dance.
A beer is never a katoey.
Beer never leaves lipstick or scratch marks.
Getting rid of a beer is easy.
You don’t have to share a beer with the rest of Bangkok.
A beer doesn’t look at others when you put your lips on it.
A beer never worries about its figure.
A beer never calls you “kee nieo” (sticky shit or miserly).
A beer is taller than most Thai women.
Beer doesn’t think it’d look better with a nose job.
Beer doesn’t think it’d look better with a tit job.
Bar fine for a beer is only 60 Baht.
A beer won’t give you AIDS.
A beer is the best looking thing at Thermae at closing time.
With a beer, “Happy Hour” always is.
It’s easy to manage a beer.
Beer doesn’t have to talk with Trink every week (only you old hands will get this).
Beer doesn’t come from Issan.
When beer goes flat, you can throw it out.
Beer looks the same in the morning.
Beer doesn’t come to work on a motorbike.
Legs don’t get in the way when you lift a six-pack.
You can get beer into a glass without KY.
A beer bottle never needs batteries.
Beer doesn’t have stretch marks.
Beer has a garden, not a bush.
Beer never comes in your hand and always leaves when it’s finished.
A beer doesn’t fart when you’ve finished having fun with it.
Beer never gets pregnant.
No beer is “coyote ugly”.
Beer never insists on keeping you until it’s finished.
Beer never insists you quench its thirst.
Beer could never amputate your dick.
Beer is here today and gone tomorrow.
Beer doesn’t eat grasshoppers.
Beer only has a drippy glass.
When you put a sack over beer it stays on.
A beer only weighs 12oz.
A beer never wants to “tio” (making the rounds to her hangouts).
You don’t need 2 hands to hold a beer.
A beer doesn’t make you shower first.
You don’t need to tip a beer.
A beer never asks for taxi money.
Beers foam is blonde.
The sweat on a beer has no odor.
You can see though a beer.
Beer is easier to understand.
Beer never wants more money after you’ve paid for it.
Beer doesn’t wear make-up.
Beer doesn’t dance while talking on a mobile phone.
Beer is always wet.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: DaDan on February 06, 2008, 04:10:10 PM
School 1967 vs. School 2007

Scenario: Jack goes hunting before school, gets to school parking lot with shotgun in gun rack.

1967 - Vice principal comes over, looks at Jack's shotgun, goes to his car and gets his own shotgun to show Jack.
2007 - School goes into lockdown, the FBI is called, Jack is hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors are called in to assist traumatized students and teachers.

Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.

1967 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.
2007 - Police are called, SWAT team arrives and arrests Johnny and Mark. They are charged with assault and both are expelled even though Johnny started it.

Scenario: Jeffrey won't sit still in class, disrupts other students.

1967 - Jeffrey is sent to the principal's office and given a good paddling. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.
2007 - Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. School gets extra state funding because Jeffrey has a disability.

Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.

1967 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.
2007 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang. State psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has an affair with the psychologist.

Scenario: Mark gets a headache and takes some Aspirin to school.

1967 - Mark shares Aspirin with the school principal out on the smoking dock.
2007 - Police are called and Mark is expelled from School for drug violations. His car is searched for drugs and weapons.

Scenario: Pedro fails high-school English.

1967 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English, goes to college.
2007 - Pedro's cause is taken up by local human rights group. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that making English a requirement for graduation is racist. US Civil Liberties Association files class action lawsuit against state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English is banned from core curriculum. Pedro is given his diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.

Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover Independence Day firecrackers, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle and blows up an anthill.

1967 - Ants die.
2007 - Homeland Security and FBI are called and Johnny is charged with domestic terrorism. Teams investigate parents, siblings are removed from the home, computers are confiscated, and Johnny's dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

Scenario: Johnny falls during recess and scrapes his knee. His teacher, Mary, finds him crying, and gives him a hug to comfort him.

1967 - Johnny soon feels better and goes back to playing.
2007 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces three years in federal prison. Johnny undergoes five years of therapy.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: DaDan on February 06, 2008, 04:28:15 PM
A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.
She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, 'If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes.'

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, 'Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.

Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!'

The woman said, 'That's okay.'

For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

The frog warned her, 'You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to'.

The woman replied, 'That's okay, because I will be the most beauti ful woman and he will have eyes only for me.'

So, KAZA M- she' s the most beautiful woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.

The frog said, 'That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you.'

The woman said, 'That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine.'

So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered,
'I'd like a mild heart attack.'
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: DaDan on February 06, 2008, 04:35:46 PM
A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. They never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting because they didn't smell and are silent". The doctor says "I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week." The next week the lady goes back, "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now my farts... although still silent they stink terribly." "Good", the doctor said, now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Granny Mae on February 08, 2008, 02:14:33 AM
DaDan, thanks for your time and effort.I loved the jokes agagagagag
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: AMonk on February 08, 2008, 06:22:06 AM
What did one strawberry say to the other strawberry??










"If you weren't so fresh, we wouldn't be in this jam!"
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: DaDan on February 11, 2008, 08:38:19 AM
HOW TO START EACH DAY WITH A POSITIVE OUTLOOK

1. Open a new file in your computer.

2. Name it "Hillary Rodham Clinton"

3. Send it to the Recycle Bin.

4. Empty the Recycle Bin.

5. Your PC will ask you. "Do you re ally want to get rid of "Hillary Rodham Clinton ?"

6. Firmly Click "Yes."

7. Feel better.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: DaDan on February 11, 2008, 09:31:05 AM
The doctor said, "Bill, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition that causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Bill was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need ... a new suit."

He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long."

Bill laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said.

Bill tried on the suit. It fit perfectly.

As Bill admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"

Bill thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."

The salesman eyed Bill and said, "Let's see 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck."

Bill was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years."

Bill tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.

Bill walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"

Bill thought for a moment and said, "Sure."

The salesman said, "Let's see... size 36."

Bill laughed, "Ah ha! I got you; I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old."

The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."
New suit -- $400

New shirt -- $36

New underwear -- $6

Second Opinion -- PRICELESS
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: DaDan on February 11, 2008, 10:21:42 AM
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked,
doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians
denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked,

and dry cleaners depressed?
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: DaDan on February 11, 2008, 10:38:59 AM
A doctor makes love to his patient.
As the day goes on he starts to have second thoughts. " Have I made a mistake? Am I going to get sued? He breaks out into a sweat, he can't concentrate on his patients, he is on the verge of a panic attack!

Just then, the voice in his head started talking...
" You're not the first doctor to make love to his patient, you're not the last doctor to make love to his patient. You're single, you're young, it's OK! It's just OK!!
He started to calm down then the other voice in his head, the one that always snaps him back to reality piped up
"But doctor. You're a veterinarian!
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: DaDan on February 11, 2008, 10:46:47 AM
Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend gambling trip to Louisiana.

The Brunette team rode on the bottom of the bus, and the Blonde team rode on the top level.
The Brunette team down below really whooped it up, having a great time, when one of them realized she hadn't heard anything from the Blondes upstairs.

She decided to go up and investigate.

When the Brunette reached the top, she found all the Blondes in fear, staring straight ahead at the road, clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.
The brunette asked, "What the heck's going on up here? We're having a great time downstairs!"

One of the Blondes looked up at her, swallowed hard and whispered... YEAH, BUT YOU'VE GOT A DRIVER!
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: DaDan on February 11, 2008, 10:58:41 AM
A guy goes into a brothel and says to the Madam, "What can I get for $20?"
She, totally uninterested in this "big spender" calls over her shoulder,
"Maisie, come and give this guy a Penguin"

Maisie walks over, kneels in front of the guy, drops his trousers and shorts
and starts to give him a blowjob. She stops about 30 seconds before he's
ready to come and walks away.

The guy waddles after her, still with his shorts and trousers around his
legs, and cries out "What's a Penguin?"
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Lostralian on February 11, 2008, 05:56:57 PM
A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath

'Mom', he asked, 'Are these my brains?'

'Not yet,' she replied.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Acjade on February 11, 2008, 07:32:02 PM
A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath

'Mom', he asked, 'Are these my brains?'

'Not yet,' she replied.


 ahahahahah  ahahahahah  ahahahahah
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: non-dave on February 12, 2008, 03:42:23 PM
These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a sense of humor
               
__________________________________________________
               
Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia ? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? ( UK ).
               
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
               
__________________________________________________
               
Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? ( USA )
               
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
               
__________________________________________________
               
Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? ( Sweden )
               
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
               
__________________________________________________
               
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia ? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane , Cairns ,Townsville and HerveyBay ? ( UK )
               
A: What did your last slave die of?
               
__________________________________________________
               
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia ? ( USA )
               
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe ..
   Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not
   ... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
               
__________________________________________________
               
Q: Which direction is North in Australia ? ( USA )
               
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
               
_________________________________________________
               
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? ( UK )
               
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
               
__________________________________________________
               
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA )
               
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is ...
   oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
               
__________________________________________________
               
Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia ? ( UK )
               
A: You are a British politician, right?
               
____________________________ ______________________
               
Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? ( Germany )
               
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers.
   Milk is illegal.
               
__________________________________________________
               
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can Dispense rattlesnake serum. ( USA )
               
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from.
   All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.
               
__________________________________________________
               
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia , but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. ( USA )
               
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them.
   You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
               
__________________________________________________
               
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia ? ( USA )
               
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
               
__________________________________________________
               
Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? ( Italy )
               
A: Yes, gay night clubs.
               
__________________________________________________
               
Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia ? ( France )
               
A: Only at Christmas.
               
__________________________________________________
               
Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the Girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross*. Can you help? ( USA )
               
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour..
               
__________________________________________________
               
Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA )
               
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Acjade on February 12, 2008, 04:01:20 PM
Oh my aching ribs.  ahahahahah
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: AMonk on February 13, 2008, 02:20:44 AM
You forgot the punch-line.....




The husband will be undergoing surgery later today to remove the remote from his rectum.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Bugalugs on February 15, 2008, 12:05:42 AM
Gotta Be Over 40 to Understand

Mum used to cut chicken, slice eggs and spread mayo on the same cutting board with the same knife and no bleach, but we didn't get food poisoning.

My Mum used to defrost mince-meat on the kitchen sink AND I used to eat some raw sometimes, too.

Our school sandwiches were wrapped in wax paper, in a brown paper bag, not in icepack coolers, but I can't remember anybody getting e.coli.

Almost all of us would have rather gone swimming in the creek instead of a pristine pool (talk about boring), no beach closures then.

The term mobile phone would have conjured up a moving phone, and a pager was the school loudhailer or PA system.

We all played sport, and also did PE... and risked permanent injury with a pair of sandshoes (only worn in the gym or the sports ground) instead of having cross-training athletic shoes with air cushion soles and built-in light reflectors.. I can't recall any injuries but they must have happened, because they tell us how much safer we are now....
 
Flunking sport was not an option.... even for stupid kids!  There were not many fat kids.

Speaking of school, we all said prayers and sang the National Anthem and got free school milk for strong bones and teeth, and staying in detention after school caught all sorts of negative attention.

We must have had horribly damaged psyches.

What an archaic health system we had then. Remember school nurses? Ours wore a hat and everything, and she could even give you an aspirin for a headache or fever.

I thought that I was supposed to accomplish something before I was allowed to be proud of myself.

I just can't recall how bored we were without computers, Play Station, Nintendo, X-box or 270 digital TV cable stations.

Oh yeah..and where was the Benadryl and sterilization kit when I got that bee sting? I could have been killed!

We played 'king of the castle' on piles of gravel left on vacant construction sites, and when we got hurt, Mum pulled out the 48-cent bottle of Mercurochrome (kids liked it better because it didn't sting like iodine did) and then we got our hair ruffled and got told to get back out there!

Now it's a trip to the emergency room, followed by a 10-day dose of a $49 bottle of antibiotics, and then Mum calls the Solicitor to sue the contractor for leaving a horribly vicious pile of gravel where it was such a threat.

We didn't misbehave at our mate's house either, because if we did, we got our bum smacked there, and then we got our bum belted again when we got home.

I recall Donny from next door coming over and doing his tricks on the front verandah, just before he fell off. Little did his Mum know that she could have owned our house. Instead, she picked him up and swatted him for being such a yobbo.

It was a neighbourhood run amuck. We climbed trees, rolled down grassy slopes, made dams in the gutter, jumped into privit hedges ....

To top it off, not a single person I knew had ever been told that they were from a "dysfunctional family".

How could we possibly have known that we needed to get into group therapy and anger management classes? We were obviously so duped by so many societal ills, that we didn't even notice that the entire country wasn't taking Prozac! How did we ever survive?

LOVE TO ALL OF US WHO SHARED THIS ERA, AND TO ALL WHO DIDN'T---- SORRY FOR WHAT YOU MISSED. I WOULDN'T TRADE IT FOR ANYTHING
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Bugalugs on February 15, 2008, 12:07:51 AM
After serious & cautious consideration.....your contract  of friendship has  been renewed  for the New Year  2008!

It  was a very hard decision to make. So  try not to screw it up!!!

My  Wish for You in 2008

May peace break into your house and may thieves come to steal your debts. May  the pockets of your jeans become a magnet of $100 bills.

May love stick to your face like Vaseline and may laughter assault your lips!

May your  clothes smell of success like smoking tires and may happiness slap you  across the face and may your tears be that of joy.

May the problems you  had forget your home address! In simple words ............   
 
May 2008 be the best year  of your life!!!

Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Bugalugs on February 15, 2008, 12:14:53 AM
Subject: Health Tip of the Day.

Who  knew?!!!!

1. To remove a bandage painlessly, saturate the bandage with vodka. The stuff dissolves adhesive.

2. To clean the caulking around bathtubs and showers, fill a trigger-spray bottle with vodka, spray the caulking, let set five minutes and wash clean.
The alcohol in the vodka kills mold and mildew.

3. To clean your eyeglasses, simply wipe the lenses with a soft, clean cloth dampened with vodka.
The alcohol in the vodka cleans the glass and kills germs.

4. Prolong the life of razors by filling a cup with vodka and letting your safety razor blade soak in the alcohol after shaving.
The vodka disinfects the blade and prevents rusting.

5. Spray vodka on wine stains, scrub with a brush, and then blot dry.

6. Using a cotton ball, apply vodka to your face as an astringent to cleanse the skin and tighten pores.

7. Add a jigger of vodka to a 12-ounce bottle of shampoo.
The alcohol cleanses the scalp, removes toxins from hair, and stimulates the growth of healthy hair.

8. Fill a sixteen-ounce trigger-spray bottle with vodka and spray bees or wasps to kill them.

9 Pour one-half cup vodka and one-half cup water into a Ziploc freezer bag and freeze for a slushy, refreshing ice pack for aches, pain or black eyes.

10. Fill a clean, used mayonnaise jar with freshly packed lavender flowers, fill the jar with vodka, seal the lid tightly and set in the sun for three days.
Strain liquid through a coffee filter, then apply the tincture to aches and pains.

11. To relieve a fever, use a washcloth to rub vodka on your chest and back as a liniment.

12. To cure foot odor, wash your feet with vodka.

13. Vodka will disinfect and alleviate a jellyfish sting.

14. Pour vodka over an area affected with poison ivy to remove the urushiol oil from your skin.

15. Swish a shot of vodka over an aching tooth. Allow your gums to absorb some of the alcohol to numb the pain.

And silly me! I've only been drinking the stuff.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: AMonk on February 15, 2008, 12:35:08 AM
I need to run out and get me some vodka!!  Quick!!
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: kcanuck on February 15, 2008, 04:31:31 PM
I miss Inner Mongolia, Vege and I would train to Manzhouli and buy Russian made vodka for 15 kuai ananananan
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: AMonk on February 15, 2008, 11:11:07 PM
I miss Inner Mongolia, Vege and I would train to Manzhouli and buy Russian made vodka for 15 kuai ananananan

Where is Vege, these days?  How're she and Daughter doing?  We never see her in the Saloon. alalalalal
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: kcanuck on February 16, 2008, 01:24:55 AM
She's in Wellington , NZ.  Last I heard she was going to start a uni job early in the New Year.  I haven't heard from her in a long time, I miss her.  I miss having a girlfriend nearby.  Luckily I have just returned from 'chick time' in Dalian and have restocked my cupboard with loads of goodies.  And I had my first experience at Metro.  The kitchen and hardware sections were amazing.  Without the musak (and it was not 'blow your eardrums loud) I could have been shopping back home.

DS, as always, was a wonderful hostess and sent me home well fed, well shopped and content. agagagagag
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: George on February 18, 2008, 01:34:55 PM
Did you ever stop and wonder......

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I’ll squeeze these pink dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there... I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its bum."

Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their bum when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why does a Obstetrician, Gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Stop singing and read on……. Yes, it caught me too!

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Lotus Eater on February 18, 2008, 06:36:41 PM
Quote
and silly me, I've only been drinking the stuff!

Drinking the stuff while eating unknown food kills bugs as well.  Keep it up.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: AMonk on February 18, 2008, 11:08:52 PM
Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

And "BaaBaa, Black Sheep", too! agagagagag
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: George on February 25, 2008, 01:36:19 AM
# Abstinence Makes the Church Grow Fondlers

# Honk If Your Religious Beliefs Make You An Asshole

# Intelligent Design Makes My Monkey Cry

# Too Stupid to Understand Science? Try Religion.

# There's A REASON Why Atheists Don't Fly Planes Into Buildings

# "Worship Me or I Will Torture You Forever. Have a Nice Day."­ God.

# God Doesn't Kill People. People Who Believe in God Kill People.

# If There is No God, Then What Makes the Next Kleenex Pop Up?

# He's Dead.

It's Been 2,000 years.
He's Not Coming Back.
Get OVER It Already!

# All religion is simply evolved out of fraud, fear, greed, imagination, and poetry. Edgar Allen Poe.

# Viva La Evolución!

# Actually, If You Look It Up, The Winter Solstice Is The Reason For The Season

# I Wouldn't Trust Your God Even If He Did Exist

# Cheeses Is Lard. Argue With THAT If You Can.

# People Who Don't Want Their Beliefs Laughed at Shouldn't Have Such Funny Beliefs

# Jesus is Coming? Don't Swallow That.

# Threatening Children With Hell Is FUN!

# GOD - APPLY DIRECTLY TO FOREHEAD!

# Jesus Told Me Republicans SUCK

# God + Whacky Tobacky = Platypus

# God Doesn't Exist. So, I Guess That Means No One Loves You.

# When the Rapture Comes, We'll Get Our Country Back!

# Q. How Do We Know the Holy Ghost Was Catholic?
A. He Used the Rhythm Method Instead of a Condom.

# You Say "Heretic" Like It Was a BAD Thing

# I Love Christians. They Taste Like Chicken.

# Science: It Works, Bitches.

# "Intelligent Design" Helping Stupid People Feel Smart Since 1987

# I Found God Between The Sheets

# I Gave Up Superstitious Mumbo Jumbo For Lent

# My Flying Monkey Can Beat Up Your Guardian Angel

# Every Time You Play With Yourself, God Kills a Kitten

# If God Wanted People to Believe in Him, Then Why Did He Invent Logic?

# Praying Is Politically Correct Schizophrenia

# ALL Americans Are African Americans

# I Forget - Which Day Did God Make All The Fossils?

# I Was An Atheist Until The Hindus Convinced Me That I Was God

# The Spanish Inquisition: The Original Faith-based Initiative

# If we were made in his image, when why aren't humans invisible too?

# JESUS SAVES....You From Thinking For Yourself

# How Can You Disbelieve in Evolution If You Can't Even Define It?

# Q. How Can You Tell That Your God is Man-made?

A. If He Hates All the Same People You Do.

# Every Time You See a Rainbow, God is Having Gay Sex

# I Went to Public School in Kansas and All I Got Was This Lousy T-shirt and a Poor Understanding of the Scientific Method.

# WWJD = We Won. Jesus Died.

# The Family That Prays Together is Brainwashing the Children

# Oh, Look, Honey Another Pro-lifer For War

# Another Godless Atheist for Peace and World Harmony

# God is Unavailable Right Now. Can I Help You?

# When Lip Service to Some Mysterious Deity Permits Bestiality on
Wednesday and Absolution on Sundays, Cash Me Out. Frank Sinatra.

# No Gods. No Mullets.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Con ate dog on February 26, 2008, 09:06:32 AM
" When the Rapture Comes, We'll Get Our Country Back!" made me laugh out loud.  And heck,I believe in God.

But you forgot "God is just an imaginary friend for grownups."

Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Con ate dog on February 26, 2008, 06:24:14 PM
For you, Missi, I AM the higher being.  vvvvvvvvvv

<But then, compared to her, EVERYONE is a higher being. ::) -R>
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Day Dreamer on February 26, 2008, 07:12:20 PM
A gentleman who owns a farm for stud horses gets a call from a friend. "I know this midget who wishes to buy a horse. He has a slight speech impediment, so listen carefully, I'm sending him over."

The Midget arrives, and the owner asks if he wants a male or female horse.

"A female horth," the midget replies. So the owner giggles and shows him one. "Nith looking horth, can I thee her thmouth?"

So the owner picks up the midget and shows him the horse's mouth while laughing.

"Nith thmouth, can I thee her eyesth?" So the owner is getting a little perturbed as he picks up the midget and shows the eyes. "OK, what about the earsth?"

Now the owner is getting pissed, but he picks up the midget one more time and shows the ears.

"OK, finally, I'd like to thee her twat." With that, the owner picks up the midget and shoves his head up the horse's back end, then pulls him out.

Shuddering and shaking his head, the midget says, "Perhapth I should rephrase. I'd like to thee her run!"
 

Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: latefordinner on February 27, 2008, 01:13:49 AM
 bkbkbkbkbk
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Lotus Eater on February 27, 2008, 05:45:07 PM
Wine vs water

 As Ben Franklin said: In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria.

In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 litre of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) - b acteria found in faeces In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.

However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine &beer (or tequila, rum,
whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember: Water = Poop, Wine = Health

Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of shit.

Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Day Dreamer on February 28, 2008, 07:19:24 PM
One day, during a lesson on grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands for those who could use the word 'beautiful' in the same sentence twice.

First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."

"Very nice, Suzie," replied the teacher.

She then called on little Michael. "My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully," he said.

"Excellent, Michael!" Then, the teacher called on Little Rotten Johnny.

"Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, 'Beautiful, just fucking beautiful!'
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Day Dreamer on February 28, 2008, 07:22:37 PM
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"
Title: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Skygod on March 01, 2008, 06:51:50 AM
An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years.

 Upon her return, her father barked at her, "Where have ye been all
 this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye
 call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer poor, poor dear Mother
 through?

 The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff....Dad....I became a
 prostitute...."

 "Ye what!!?  Out of here, ye shameless harlot!  Sinner!  You're a
 disgrace to this Catholic family."

 "OK, Dad-- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur
 coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a  €5 million savings certificate. 
 For me little brother, this gold
 Rolex.  And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes Limited Edition
 convertible that's parked outside, plus a membership to the country
 club....(takes a  breath).... and an invitation for ye all to spend
 New Years Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera and... ."

 "Now what was it ye said ye had become?" said Dad.

 Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff....a prostitute, Dad! Sniff, sniff."

 "Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a
 Protestant'.  Come here and give yer old Dad a hug!"
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Con ate dog on March 03, 2008, 05:43:49 AM
Irene's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman.  Since she had to go across to the shops the next day, Irene told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the bench, and I'll mail you a cheque."

"Oh, by the way don't worry about our dog Rosie. She won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to Freckles, my parrot!" "I REPEAT; DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"

When the repairman arrived at Irene's address the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking dog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.

Freckles, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain  himself any longer and yelled,

"Shut up, Freckles you stupid, ugly bird!"

To which Freckles replied, "Get him, Rosie!"
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Lenny on March 04, 2008, 02:59:20 AM
Hello, I am new to China and this forum and have a joke you may like.

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman
sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his
courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively,
"Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"

She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I
won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now
staring at them.

Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed
and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and
apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I
embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in
psychology and I'm studying how people respond to
embarrassing situations."

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do
you mean $200?"
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Con ate dog on March 04, 2008, 05:26:40 AM
Aclassic.  Welcome aboard, dude! agagagagag
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Day Dreamer on March 04, 2008, 10:30:42 AM
Hey Lenny

Great first post, keep it up.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Shroomy on March 04, 2008, 06:07:56 PM
I am so guilty of this.  It's like looking in a mirror.  Oh well, guess I'm just a grumpy old woman.  ahahahahah
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Lotus Eater on March 04, 2008, 06:27:00 PM
Not me!!
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Day Dreamer on March 04, 2008, 06:49:53 PM
Usually I wake up Grumpy,




Today I let her sleep in

HAHAHA ... move along
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Bugalugs on March 04, 2008, 07:45:48 PM
What is there to be grumpy about the sun is shining and my self imposed exile from MSN and mobile phones will come to an end some time today or tomorrow.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Shroomy on March 04, 2008, 08:24:38 PM
I'm only grumpy to kids under 25.  asasasasas Other than that I'm fine.  Well, as fine as someone about to roll the odometer gets.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: ericthered on March 04, 2008, 10:38:52 PM
Oh dear...I'm only 28 and I am guilty of berating youngsters with the same points. Teens sitting around grumbling that high school is sooo hard...and they don't even have mandatory Latin classes anymore!!! Spoiled, pampered, molly-cuddled milksops!

People outside of China are grumpy too.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Stil on March 04, 2008, 10:53:29 PM
28? Really?

Don't worry Eric you look much older with your pink glasses

(http://i11.photobucket.com/albums/a197/Bissessar/MortensGlasses.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Bugalugs on March 04, 2008, 11:04:16 PM
Please don't be grumpy with me 'Shroomy, i'm only 24 .

agagagagag
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Shroomy on March 04, 2008, 11:48:04 PM
As long as you play Scramble with me, which no one will, I will love you forever.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Bugalugs on March 04, 2008, 11:51:13 PM
I have played my turn but i think once again you will kick my  butt agagagagag
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: ericthered on March 05, 2008, 02:33:40 AM
I think so, and it scares me aoaoaoaoao
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Stil on March 05, 2008, 02:50:10 AM
Yeah, looking at it makes me get away from the house....very far away.

I think so, and it scares me aoaoaoaoao

I'm glad I'm not the only one the picture scares.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: ericthered on March 05, 2008, 03:01:32 AM
Now, you're just being mean. And we are quite  offtopic

Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Bugalugs on March 05, 2008, 05:03:17 AM
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY!!

Womens' Sacrifices for men.

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner. I took out my wallet, got out $ 10 and asked, 'If I give you this  money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?'

'No, I had to stop drinking years ago', the homeless woman told me.
 
'Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?' I asked.
 
'No, I don't waste time shopping,' the homeless woman said. 'I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.'
 
'Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?' I asked.
 
'Are you NUTS !' replied the homeless woman. ' I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!'
 
'Well,' I said, 'I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight.'
 
The homeless Woman was shocked.

'Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.'
 
I said, 'That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine.'

(http://i135.photobucket.com/albums/q122/bugalugs1983/Wine.gif)
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Bugalugs on March 05, 2008, 05:20:35 AM
CAKE OR BED

A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS, HONEY, COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY?, IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW.

HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY,
FIX THE LIGHTS NOW? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE ELECTRICIAN WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO.

FINE,

THEN THE WIFE ASKS,
WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT

TO WHICH HE REPLIED,
FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE WESTINGHOUSE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO

FINE, SHE SAYS
THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS TO THE FRONT DOOR? THEY ARE ABOUT TO BREAK

I'M NOT A CARPENTER AND I DON'T WANT TO FIX STEPS HE SAYS,
DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE ACE HARDWARE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO. I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU. I'M GOING TO THE BAR!!!!

SO HE GOES TO THE BAR AND DRINKS FOR A
COUPLE OF HOURS...............................

HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES TO GO HOME

AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES THAT THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED.

AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE , HE SEES THE HALL LIGHT IS WORKING

AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.

HONEY, HE ASKS, HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?

SHE SAID, WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT OUTSIDE AND CRIED.
JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM.

HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER
GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE.

HE SAID, SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE?

SHE REPLIED,

HELLOOOOO..
DO YOU SEE SARA LEE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO!
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Stil on March 05, 2008, 05:22:21 AM

(http://i135.photobucket.com/albums/q122/bugalugs1983/Wine.gif)

George, You're looking younger these days.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: George on March 05, 2008, 01:01:06 PM
SMART ASS ANSWER #6
It was mealtime during a flight on American Airlines. 'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked John, seated in front. 'What are my choices?' John asked. 'Yes or no,' she replied.

SMART ASS ANSWER #5
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub.'

SMART ASS ANSWER #4
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, 'Do these turkeys get any bigger?' The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead.'

SMART ASS ANSWER #3
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. 'I've been waiting for you all day,' the cop said. The kid replied, 'Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.' When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket

SMART ASS ANSWER #2
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway.
A sign comes up that reads, 'Low Bridge Ahead'.

Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?' The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas.'

SMART ASS ANSWER #1

A couple goes into a restaurant and when the waitress approaches them to take their order the husband asks “What is the soup of the day? The waitress says “I don’t know, do you want me to go find out?” He says “No…why don’t you sit down here and I will go find out?”



SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2007:

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'

A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?' The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering.
When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Day Dreamer on March 06, 2008, 03:41:42 AM
Ten Thoughts to Ponder

Number 10
Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 9
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Number 8
Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see me without an erection, make me a sandwich.

Number 7
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day, teach a person to use the internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

Number 6
Some people are like a Slinky . Not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.

Number 5
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Number 4
All of us could take a lesson from the weather; it pays no attention to Criticism.

Number 3
Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200.00 and a substantial tax cut saves you $30.00?

Number 2
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is Weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

And The Number 1 Thought
We know exactly where one cow with Mad-cow-disease is located among millions and millions of cows in America but we haven't got a clue as to where millions of illegal immigrants and terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of Immigration.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: teleplayer on March 06, 2008, 04:07:40 AM
Drinks that Show Personality

Before you order a drink in public, you should read this! Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could 'nail' a woman's personality based on what she drinks. Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts. The results:

PART A: WOMEN-DRINKS, WHO THEY ARE, & YOU!

Drink: Beer
Personality: Causal, low-maintenance; down to earth.
Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.

Drink: Blender Drinks
Personality: Flaky, whiny, annoying; a pain in the ass.
Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabana boy.

Drink: Mixed Drinks
Personality: Older, more refined, high maintenance, has very picky taste; knows EXACTLY what she wants.
Your Approach: You won't have to approach her. If she's interested, she'll send YOU a drink..................

Drink: Wine ( does not include White Zinfandel)
Personality: Conservative and classy; sophisticated yet giggles.
Your Approach: Tell her you love to travel and spend quiet evenings with my friends.



 

Drink: White Zinfandel
Personality: Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated, actually, she has NO clue.
Your Approach: Make her feel smarter than she is...this should be an easy target.



 

Drink: Shots
Personality: Likes to hang with pals and looking to get
totally drunk... and naked.
Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. You have been blessed. Nothing to do but wait, however, be careful not to make her mad!

Drink: Tequila
No explanations required - everyone just KNOWS what happens there.

PART B: MAN-DRINKS & WHO THE MEN ARE!   
THEN, there is the MALE addendum -- The deal with guys is, as always, very simple and clear cut:

Domestic Beer: He's poor and wants to get laid.



Imported Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid

Wine:
He is hoping that the wine will give him a sophisticated
image to help him get laid.



 

Whiskey: He doesn't give a damn about anything but getting laid.



Tequila: He is thinking he has a chance with the toothless waitress.

White Zinfandel: He's gay!
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Con ate dog on March 06, 2008, 04:42:05 AM
Quote
Number 8
Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see me without an erection, make me a sandwich.

I bellowed laughing.  Fellow netbarflies are now nervous.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: teleplayer on March 07, 2008, 05:54:07 AM
Some of you may find providing one of these to School owners handy.

(http://i125.photobucket.com/albums/p80/tele-tink/Personal%20photos%20of%20Teleplayer/ProblemSolvingFlowChart.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: George on March 07, 2008, 09:22:10 AM
Following the problems in the sub-prime lending market in America uncertainty has now hit Japan, in the last 7 days: Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up, Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut some of its branches, Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song, Shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived, 500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop, and analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank where it is feared that clients and staff may get a raw deal.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: AMonk on March 07, 2008, 12:31:24 PM
 bkbkbkbkbk axaxaxaxax
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Day Dreamer on March 07, 2008, 03:16:43 PM
Don't worry George, I invested all of my Japanese money in stock - mostly chickens, a few pigs and cows too.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Lenny on March 08, 2008, 07:01:28 PM

A blonde and a redhead met in a bar after work for a drink,
and were watching the 6 o'clock news. A man was shown
threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge. The blonde bet
the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump, and the redhead
replied, "I'll take that bet!"

Anyway, sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the
redhead the $50 she owed. The redhead said, "I can't take
this, you're my friend."

The blonde said "No. A bet's a bet."

So the redhead said "Listen, I have to admit, I saw this
earlier on the 5 o'clock news, so I can't take your money."

The blonde replied "Well, so did I, but I never thought
he'd jump again!"
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: contemporarydog on March 08, 2008, 07:08:44 PM

A blonde and a redhead met in a bar after work for a drink,
and were watching the 6 o'clock news. A man was shown
threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge. The blonde bet
the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump, and the redhead
replied, "I'll take that bet!"

Anyway, sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the
redhead the $50 she owed. The redhead said, "I can't take
this, you're my friend."

The blonde said "No. A bet's a bet."

So the redhead said "Listen, I have to admit, I saw this
earlier on the 5 o'clock news, so I can't take your money."

The blonde replied "Well, so did I, but I never thought
he'd jump again!"

 ahahahahah ahahahahah ahahahahah ahahahahah agagagagag agagagagag agagagagag agagagagag
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: contemporarydog on March 08, 2008, 07:11:11 PM
A man's working in a job centre when all of a sudden the door opens and in walks a dog, unaccompanied.  'That's a bit odd', the man thinks to himself. 

The dog strides confidently up to the counter and says "AFternoon, mate, I'm looking for a job."

The man is stunned.  'Wow, a talking dog,' he says to himself.

"Yes, I'm sure we can help you there.  Give me one minute."

He walks to the phone and calls the circus.

"Hey, is that the circus?"
"Yes"
"We have a talking dog in the job centre."
"Great - send him in first thing on Monday morning."

The man goes back to the dog and says

"Well, I've got just the ticket for you.  It's starting on Monday at the circus."
"That's great!" the dog says, and is about to turn and walk out, when he suddenly thinks of something. "Hang on - what kind of job is this?"
"You're going to be the Talking Dog."
"Oh - sorry - that's no use to me, mate.  I'm a plumber!"
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: chrisS on March 09, 2008, 03:25:31 AM
Warning, this one is dirty.

In the days of the old sailing ships, a young man decides he needs some adventure and joins the navy.  After one month on at sea he realizes that not only is he horny, but it will be months before he sees a woman again!

The young man (now a young sailor) starts talking with a couple of the old salts and asks their advice.

One old salt says, "Whenever one of us gets too horny, we just put our dicks in that old apple barrel over yonder.  Works like a charm!"  The young sailor is completely disgusted at the thought of this and takes a pass.

Another 2 months go by and the young sailor is now really horny.  He locates the old salt and says "Man, I'm really losing it!  I've got to get some pussy.  What was your solution again?"

The old salt says, "Just put your dick in that old apple barrel over yonder."  The young sailor decides he has nothing to lose.  He walks over to the apple barrel, finds a hole in the side, slips his dick in, and gets immediate satisfaction.

He walks back over to the old salt and says, "Whew, I am relieved!  Thank you!  When can I do that again?"  The old salt pauses to think and says, "You can use the apple barrel on Sunday, Monday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, and Saturday."

The young sailor asks, "Why the hell can't I use it on Tuesday?"

The old salt replies, "That's your turn in the barrel!"




Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: AMonk on March 09, 2008, 04:52:58 AM
An olde classic "dirty tale" afafafafaf
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Lenny on March 09, 2008, 06:21:08 PM
It was three o'clock in the morning, and the receptionist at
a posh hotel was just dozing off, when a little old lady
comes running towards her screaming. "Please come quickly!"
she yelled, "I just saw a naked man outside my window!"

The receptionist immediately rushes up to the old lady's
room. "Where is he?" asked the receptionist. "He's over
there," replied the little old lady, pointing to an
apartment building opposite the hotel.

The receptionist looks over and could see a man with no
shirt on, moving around his apartment. "It's probably a man
who's getting ready to go to bed," she said reassuringly.
"And how do you know he's naked, you can only see him from
the waist up?"

"The dresser, honey!" screamed the old lady. "Try standing
on the dresser!"
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: George on March 10, 2008, 02:00:24 PM
A lawyer and a blonde woman are sitting next to each other on a long flight from Los Angeles to New York.

The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game.

The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists, saying that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains how the game works: "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me, and visa-versa."

Again, the blonde politely declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer figures that since his opponent is a blonde he will easily win the match, so he makes another offer.

"Okay, how about this, if you don't know the answer you pay me only $5, but if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."

This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question." What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"

The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"

The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Air-phone with his modem and searches the Net and even the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and friends he knows. All to no avail. After over an hour of searching for the answer he finally gives up.

He wakes the blonde and hands her $500.

The blonde politely takes the $500 and turns away to get back to sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little frustrated, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"

Again without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: contemporarydog on March 10, 2008, 02:45:12 PM
Excellent!

Another favourite of mine:

A British man's on holiday in the USA with his wife.  On their tour, they visit an Indian Chief, Red Cloud, who, it is purported, knows the answer to every question that could possibly be asked.

They go to visit him.  On the way, the man thinks "I'll ask him about English football - no way he could possibly know about that!"

They climb the mountain where the Chief lives and visit him.

They greet and the man then asks "So, who won the FA cup in 1965?"

The Chief thinks for a couple of seconds than says "Liverpool."

"Wow," the guy thinks, "he really knows his stuff."

Then he asks "And what was the final score?"

"2-1 in extra time after a goalless ninety minutes."

By now the guy's really impressed so he asks "And who scored the winning goal?"

"Ian St John."

Suitably amazed, the guy and his wife thank the Chief and leave.  They continue their tour and then return to the UK.

Twenty years later, the man divorces from his wife.  He's feeling quite depressed and decides to go on another trip.  He tours asia and south america, and then heads to North America for the final leg.  Not sure what to do with himself, he heads back to find Red Cloud to see if he could divulge any mighty wisdom about what to do next.  When he finds the chief, he greets him with "How!"

The Chief replies, "Diving header in the six yard box!"

Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: chrisS on March 11, 2008, 02:48:39 AM
In a similar vein, here's an old 'un and a good 'un (as we say in Virginia).

One day an American Indian boy wants to know how Indian kids are named.  So he goes up to his father and says, "Dad, how are Indian kids named?"

His father replies, "Well, whenever we have a child, we take it to the the Chief, and he names it."

So the boy walks up to the Chief and asks, "Chief, how do you name Indian kids?"

The Chief replies, "We have a tribal tradition.  I am sitting in my teepee.  Then the couple brings the child to me.  I step out of the teepee and the first animal I see I name the child.  If I see a deer I name it Running Deer.  If I see a bird I name it Flying Eagle."

The Chief pauses to think, then pats the boy on the head and says, "Tell me 2 Dogs Fucking, why'd you want to know that?"

Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: chrisS on March 13, 2008, 09:45:30 AM
Here's a quick one,

How do you say Fuck You in Los Angeles?

"Trust me!"
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Day Dreamer on March 13, 2008, 02:00:30 PM
How can a young man make three old ladies scream "Fuck Me!"?




Scream BINGO first.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Granny Mae on March 13, 2008, 10:42:16 PM
 bkbkbkbkbk and so very true ahahahahah
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Lenny on March 13, 2008, 10:48:17 PM
Landlord Letters
------------------------------------------------------------
Excerpts from actual letters sent to landlords...

1. "The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children
until it is cleared."

2. "I want some repairs done to my stove as it has backfired
and burnt my knob off."

3. "This is to let you know that there is a smell coming
from the man next door."

4. "I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away
from the wall."

5. "I request your permission to remove my drawers in the
kitchen."

6. "Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three
pieces."

7. "Will you please send someone to mend our cracked
sidewalk. Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now
pregnant."

8. "Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a
funny color and not fit to drink."

9. "Would you please send a man to repair my downspout. I am
an old page pensioner and need it straight away."

10. "When the workmen were here they put their tools in my
wife's new drawers and made a mess. Please send men with
clean tools to finish the job and keep my wife happy."
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Papillon on March 15, 2008, 06:37:25 AM
“If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I think it's okay to feed some bits of your friend to one of the vultures, to teach him to do some tricks. But only if you're serious about adopting the vulture.”
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Day Dreamer on March 18, 2008, 03:45:53 AM
These are the notes from an inexperienced chili taster named FRANK, who was visiting Texas:

Recently I was honored to be selected as an outstanding Famous celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a chili cook-off, because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted. Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

FRANK: Holy smokes, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These hicks are crazy.

Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
JUDGE ONE: Smoky (barbecue?) with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.

JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who tried to give me the Heimlich maneuver. Shoved my way to the front of the beer line.

Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Need more beans.

JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.

FRANK: This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now and got out of my way so I could make it to the beer wagon. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest.

Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh beer so I wouldn't have to dash over to see her.

Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed hurt when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. Sort of irritates me that one of the other judges asked me to stop screaming.

Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.

JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally.

Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in canned chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress.

FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth and pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel it. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My clothes are covered with chili that slid unnoticed out of my mouth at some point. Good! At autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful, and I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili

JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot.
Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: dragonsaver on March 19, 2008, 08:47:25 PM
For George and a few other of us!

http://www.newsday.com/news/opinion/ny-walt-babyboomers-blurb,0,1036393.blurb
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: AMonk on March 19, 2008, 10:45:18 PM
Thank you for that giggle this morning, DS.  "Bored, tubby, mild" indeed!!
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Lotus Eater on March 20, 2008, 02:12:13 AM
An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day.
 The daughter said to her mother, 'My hands are freezing cold.'
 
The mother replied, 'Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up.'
The daughter did and her hands warmed up.
 
 The next day the daughter was riding with he r boy friend who said, 'My hands are freezing cold.'
 
 The girl replied, 'Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up.' He did and warmed his hands.

The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter. He said, 'My nose is cold.' The girl replied 'Put it between my legs. The  warmth of my body will warm it up.'? He did and warmed his nose.

 The next day the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter and he said,  'My penis is frozen solid.'
 
 The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother, and she says to her mother, 'Have you ever heard of a penis?' Slightly concerned the mother said, 'Why, yes. Why do you ask?' The daughter replies, 'They  make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don't they?'


Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Lone Traveller on March 20, 2008, 03:29:58 PM
aqaqaqaqaq apapapapap aqaqaqaqaq
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: George on March 23, 2008, 09:28:36 PM
Students at a local school were assigned to read 2 books, 'Titanic' & 'My Life' by Bill Clinton.

One student turned in the following book report, with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories!

His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report.

Titanic:.... cost - $29.99
Clinton:.... cost - $29.99

Titanic:..... Over 3 hours to read
Clinton:..... Over 3 hours to read

Titanic:.... The story of Jack and Rose, their? forbidden? love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton:..... The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.

Titanic:..... Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton:..... Bill is a bullshit artist.

Titanic:.... In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton:..... Ditto for Bill.

Titanic:..... During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton:..... Ditto for Monica.

Titanic:..... Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton:..... Let's not go there.

Titanic:...... Rose gets to keep her jewelry.
Clinton:.... Monica's forced to return her gifts.

Titanic:..... Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton:..... Clinton doesn't remember Jack.

Titanic:...... Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton:..... Monica....ooh, let's not go there, either.

Titanic:..... Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton:..... Bill goes home to Hillary - basically the same thing.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: teleplayer on April 08, 2008, 06:06:38 AM
THE 5 ANSWERS WE HAVE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR:

Q: WHAT ARE THE SMALL BUMPS AROUND A WOMAN'S NIPPLES FOR?
A: It's Braille for "suck here".

Q : WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS?
A: It's the same as a French kiss, but "down under."

Q : WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS?
A:  Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

Q : WHY WERE HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?
A: Because when they come, they're wild and wet. But when they go, they take your house and car with them.

Q: WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING ?
A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch...


BONUS QUESTION & ANSWER

What is a man's Ultimate embarrassment?

Answer:
Running into a wall with an erection and breaking his nose
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: contemporarydog on April 16, 2008, 03:43:03 AM
Q. Why were the A-Team reluctant to go to China?
A. Because they were worried about losing Face.

(I made that up last night, I'm rather proud of it)
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: AMonk on April 16, 2008, 04:37:25 AM
 agagagagag bpbpbpbpbp
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: George on April 17, 2008, 02:19:16 AM
14 funny minutes......
http://www.plime.com/l/58419/1/ (http://www.plime.com/l/58419/1/)
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Bugalugs on April 19, 2008, 03:04:37 AM
Department of the Treasury
Internal Revenue Service
Washington, D.C.

To: All Male Taxpayers

RE: Notice of increase of tax payment
Form 1040 - P

The only thing that the IRS has not taxed yet is your penis. This is due to the fact that 40% of the time it is hanging around unemployed, 30% of the time it is pissed off, 20% of the time it is hard up, and 10% of the time it is in the hole. On top of this, it has two dependents and both are nuts.

Accordingly, as of April 1, 1998, your penis will be taxed according to size. To determine your category, please consult the chart below and confirm this information on page 2, section 7, line 3, on the Standard Form 1040.

       10-16 inches Luxury Tax $50.00

       8-10 inches Pole Tax $30.00

       5-8 inches Privilege Tax $15.00

       4-5 inches Nuisance Tax $5.00

Please note: Anyone under 4 inches is eligible for a refund. Please do not ask for an extension!

Additionally, males exceeding 12 inches must file under Capital Gains.

Sincerely,

Peter Checker
Internal Revenue Service
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Bugalugs on April 22, 2008, 05:23:22 AM
The inventor of the Harley-Davidson  motorcycle,

Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur.'Since  you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven.' 

Arthur thought about it for a minute and  then
said, 'I want to  hang out with God.' 

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room,  and
introduced him to  God.

God recognized Arthur and commented, 'Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson motorcycle?'
 
Arthur said, 'Yeah,  that's me....'
 
God commented: 'Well, what's the big deal in inventing something  that's pretty unstable,
makes noise and pollution and can't run  without a  road?'

Arthur was  apparently embarrassed, but finally
spoke, 'Excuse me, but aren't you the  inventor of woman?'
   
God said, ' Ah, yes.'

'Well ,' said Arthur, 'professional to professional, you have some major design  flaws
in your  invention: 
1. There's too much inconsistency in  the  front-end protrusion 
       
2.  It chatters constantly at high speeds
     
3. Most rear ends  are too soft and wobble too much
   
4. The intake is placed way too close to  the  exhaust 

5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!! 
 
'Hmmmmm, you may  have some good points there,' replied God, 'hold  on.'
 
God went to  his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the  results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

'Well, it may be  true that my invention is flawed,' God said to Arthur, 'but according to these numbers, more  men are riding my invention than yours.'
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Bugalugs on April 22, 2008, 05:24:49 AM
They say the happiest days in life are the day you buy a boat and the day you sell it!!  Well, here's a good boat story!!

Joe and John were identical twins. Joe owned an old dilapidated boat and kept pretty much to himself. One day he rented out his boat to a group of out-of-stators who sank  it. Joe spent all day trying to salvage as much stuff as he could and  was out of touch all that day and most of the evening.

Unbeknown to him, his brother John's wife died suddenly. When he got back on shore he went into town to pick up a few things at the grocery. A kind old neighbor woman mistook him for John and said: 'I'm so sorry for your loss. You must feel  terrible.'

Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said:  'Hell no! Fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her.  She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always holding water.  She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy. I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to those four guys looking for a good time.  I warned  them that she wasn't very good and smelled bad. But they wanted her anyway. The darn fools  tried to get in her all at one time and she split right up the middle!'

The old woman  fainted.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: DaDan on April 23, 2008, 07:13:34 AM
Humpty Dumpty lay on the bed,

Little Bo Peep was giving him head,

When he came , she started to weep,

She knew by the taste,

He'd been fucking her sheep.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: DaDan on April 23, 2008, 07:26:15 AM
Ed Zachary disease

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A woman was very distraught over the fact that she had not had a date
or sex for over 5 years.

She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of the well known Chinese sex therapist Dr. Woo Fong Chang.
Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all you crose."
The woman did as she was told.

"Now, down on your hands and knees and craw reery, reery fass to
odder side of room."
Again, the woman did as she was instructed. Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me."

As she did, Dr. Chang shook his head slowly. "Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease.
Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates."

The woman asked anxiously, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?"

Dr. Chang sighed deeply and replied, "Ed Zachary Disease is when your face look Ed Zachary like your ass"!
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Bugalugs on April 29, 2008, 10:02:48 PM
In the beginning God covered the earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, with green, yellow and red vegetables of  all kinds so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

Then using God's bountiful gifts, Satan created Dairy Ice Cream and Magnums. And Satan  said "You want hot fudge with that? And Man said "Yes!" and Woman said "I'll have one too with chocolate chips".  And lo they gained 10 pounds.

And God created the healthy yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 12 to size 14.

So God said, "Try my fresh green salad". And Satan presented Blue Cheese dressing and garlic croutons on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said "I have sent you healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them". And Satan brought forth deep fried coconut king prawns, butter-dipped lobster chunks and chicken fried steak, so big it needed its own platter. And Man's cholesterol went through the roof.

Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with potassium and good nutrition.  Then Satan peeled off the healthy skin and sliced the starchy centre into chips and deep fried them in animal fats adding copious quantities of salt. And Man put on more pounds.

God then brought forth running shoes so that his Children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan came forth with a cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering light and started wearing stretch jogging suits.

Then God gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonalds and the 99p double Cheeseburger.  Then Satan said "You want fries with that?" and Man replied "Yes, And super size 'em". And Satan said "It is good." And Man and Woman went into cardiac arrest.

God sighed and created quadruple by-pass surgery. And then Satan chuckled and created the National Health Service.

THE FINAL WORD ON NUTRITION

After an exhaustive review of the research literature, here's the final word on nutrition and health.

1.  Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

2.  Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

3.  Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

4.  Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

5.  Germans drink beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.


CONCLUSION:

Eat and drink what you like.   Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: latefordinner on April 30, 2008, 02:05:17 AM
 bkbkbkbkbk
I'm sending this to my (exceedingly carnivorous) family in Canada
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: teleplayer on May 06, 2008, 11:38:27 AM
Hellman's Mayonnaise......the true story...?

                     
 Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England.  In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York.


 This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever
delivered to Mexico.  But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost.


 The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were  eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day.



 The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as  ..........  Sinko de Mayo
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: chrisS on May 06, 2008, 08:22:32 PM
This is an ethnic one so BE WARNED!

Have you seen the ad for Italian Army Rifles?

It reads, "never been fired, only dropped once!"
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Stil on May 07, 2008, 02:12:44 AM
So when you were shit-faced last weekend, you meant that you were drinking water eh?  bfbfbfbfbf
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: VoiceWithin on May 07, 2008, 03:31:26 AM
Water = Poop Wine = Health

Always good to have scientific research on your side !!
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: teleplayer on May 08, 2008, 05:59:47 AM
 When Cardboard Men Come In Handy



 A car gets a flat on the interstate one day. The blonde driver eases

 it over onto the shoulder of the road, carefully steps out of the car

 and opens the trunk



 She takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them and stands them at the

 rear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic. The lifelike cardboard

 men are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies and private parts

to approaching drivers.



 Not surprisingly, the traffic becomes snarled and backed up.



 It isn't very long before a police car arrives. The officer, clearly

enraged, approaches the blonde of the disabled vehicle yelling,

'What's going on here?'



'My car broke down, officer' says the woman calmly



 'Well , what are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here by the road?'

he asks.



 'Hell looooooo!!!!' says the blonde. 'Those are my emergency flashers!'
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: dragonsaver on May 08, 2008, 03:06:26 PM
 bkbkbkbkbk bkbkbkbkbk axaxaxaxax axaxaxaxax axaxaxaxax
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Bugalugs on May 13, 2008, 02:14:46 AM
A Sexual Marathon!


Paul returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife Alma that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live. Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him. Of course she agreed, and they made passionate love.

Six hours later, Paul went to her again, and said, "Honey, now I only have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?" Alma agrees and again they make love.

Later, Paul is getting into bed when he realized he now had only eight hours of life left. He touched Alma's shoulder and said, "Honey? Please? Just one more time before I die." She agreed, than afterward she rolled over and fell asleep.

Paul, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and turned until he was down to only four more hours. He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up. "Honey, I only have four hours left! Could we...?"

His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, "Listen Paul, I have to get up in the morning AND YOU DON'T!"
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: teleplayer on May 15, 2008, 03:21:35 AM
HARRY THE EAGLE

Did you know that eagles mate for life?

Well one day Harry the eagle waited at the nest for Mary, his darling

Of 10 glorious years. After a while, when she didn't return, he went

Looking and found her. She had been shot. Dead!


Harry was devastated, but after about six minutes of mourning he

Decided that he must get himself another mate, but, since there

Weren't any lady eagles available, he'd have to cross the feather

Barrier.


So he flew off to find a new mate. He found a lovely dove and brought

Her back to the nest. The sex was good but all the dove would say is

'I am a DOVE, I want to love! I am a DOVE, I want to love!'


Well this got on Harry's nerves so he kicked the dove out of the nest

And flew off once more to find a mate. He soon found a very sexy loon

And brought her back to the nest. Again the sex was good but all the

Loon would say is, 'I am a LOON, I want to spoon! I am a LOON, I want

To spoon!'


So out with the loon. Once more he flew off to find a mate. This time

He found a gorgeous duck and he brought the duck back to the nest.

This time the sex was great, but all the duck would say was.....




No, the duck didn't say THAT

.... Don't be SO disgusting. !





The duck said,

'I am a DRAKE , you made a MISTAKE !!!!!!!!!!

Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: chrisS on May 17, 2008, 02:43:24 AM
OK, this one is REALLY, REALLY BAD.  You are now warned!

How does a homosexual fake an orgasm?

He spits on your back!


Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: AMonk on May 17, 2008, 06:05:41 PM
 bfbfbfbfbf Good one! agagagagag
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: latefordinner on May 18, 2008, 02:01:09 AM
Not only a good one, but practical. I can think of many times when I wished I had a conversation killer like that.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: teleplayer on May 19, 2008, 08:19:35 AM
  ahahahahah   bkbkbkbkbk
Missi, if there's a prize, you win!!  agagagagag
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Escaped Lunatic on May 23, 2008, 07:31:35 AM
The Secretary of Defense was giving George Bush his daily briefing.  He concluded by saying, "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed in Afghanistan."

"OH NO!" George exclaimed. "That's terrible!  Call the networks.  I'll have to make a condolence speech to the nation right away!"

His staff sat stunned at this display of emotions, nervously watching as he sat, head in hands.

Finally, George looked up and asked, "How many is a brazilian?"
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: AMonk on May 24, 2008, 06:43:36 PM
Manuel is his boss's best worker, but one day he phones in sick.  "Boss, I no come in today.  I too sick.  Can't work."

"Manuel, this is my busiest day!  You must come in.  Please."

"No, Boss.  Too sick.  Can't do it."

"Look, tell you what.  Go make love to the wife.  You'll feel better.  Then you can come in."

"O.K., Boss."

A little while later, Manuel phones his boss.  "Hey, Boss.  I do what you say.  You right!  I feel much better!"

"So stop talking and get in here.  We're swamped and I need you to get to work.  How soon will you be here?"

"About one half hour."

"Great!"

"And, Boss...."

"Yes?"

"You got a lovely house."
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: George on May 26, 2008, 01:12:07 PM
A baby seal walks into a club. bpbpbpbpbp
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: AMonk on May 26, 2008, 01:20:04 PM
.....This man walks into a bar.... llllllllll
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: DaDan on May 29, 2008, 06:43:01 PM
I read this on another forum & laughed hard enough to want to share.....
 bfbfbfbfbf


I went grocery shopping recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented "You're definitely going to $hit yourself" chili. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat it the next day both of your ass cheeks WILL fall off.
Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No"Watson's Movement 2". Despite habanera peppers swimming their way through my Intestinal tract, I appeared to be unable to create the usual morning Symphony referred to by my next door neighbors as thunder and lightning. Knowing that a time of reckoning had to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for the market; a local Wal-Mart grocery store that I often haunt in search of tasty tidbits. Upon entering the store, at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the pain hit me. Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that "Uh oh, gotta go" pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time.
The thing is, this pain was different. The habaneras in the chili from the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small Intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning shot. There I stood, alone in the spice and baking aisle, suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me.
Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as an elderly woman turned into it. I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what her reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate, as she walked into it unsuspecting. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate. I could've warned that poor woman but didn't. I simply watched as she walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible wall of odor so terrible that all she could do before gathering her senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving her arms about her head as though trying to ward off angry bees.
This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. Mistake. Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things "clamped down", If you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun. Suddenly things were no longer funny. IT was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand mal assplosion took place. Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable "Oh my God", floating above the toilet seat because my ass is burning SO BAD, purging.
One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of "Shock and Awe". He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, "Sonofabitch!", then quickly left.
Once finished I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart, intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, "Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem."
That of course, set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me.
The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, "IT'S YOU!", then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.
Home again without having shopped, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls.
The next day I went to shop at Super Store. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter. ******** claim they're going to have to repaint the store.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: AMonk on May 29, 2008, 11:07:49 PM
 axaxaxaxax Thank you for sharing!!
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: George on June 02, 2008, 12:37:50 AM
Funny headlines...
http://www.oddee.com/item_96156.aspx (http://www.oddee.com/item_96156.aspx)
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: dragonsaver on June 02, 2008, 02:06:40 AM
THE DOGGIE Banquet.

The dogs once had a banquet,
They came from near and far.
Some they came a walkin
Some they came by car.

They filled the hall quite quickly
Corner cranny and nook.
Each dog he took his arse hole off
And hung in on a hook.

Into the hall they clattered
Mother son and squire
They just got barely seated
when some bast-rd yelled out
FIRE!!

There was a great commotion
should 've been written in a book.
Each doggie grabbed any arse hole
That was hanging on the hook.

THAT is why and wherefore
A dog will leave a bone.
To smell anothers arse hole.

TO SEE if its his own.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Lotus Eater on June 03, 2008, 01:13:20 PM
for N-D and Cheeky:

FOLLOW THESE 14 SIMPLE TESTS BEFORE YOU DECIDE TO HAVE CHILDREN.

Test 1 - Preparation

Women: To prepare for pregnancy:-

1. Put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front.
2. Leave it there.

3. After 9 months remove 5% of the beans.

Men: To prepare for children:-

1. Go to a local chemist, tip the contents of your wallet onto the counter and tell the pharmacist to help himself
2. Go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office.
3. Go home. Pick up the newspaper and read it for the last time.

Test 2 - Knowledge

Find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels and how they have allowed their children to run wild. Suggest ways in which
they might improve their child's sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners and overall behavior.

Enjoy it. It will be the last time in your life that you will have all the answers.


Test 3 - Nights

To discover how the nights will feel:

1. Walk around the living room from 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 4 - 6kg, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly.
2. At 10pm, put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight and go to sleep. 
3. Get up at 11pm and walk the bag around the living room until 1am.
4. Set the alarm for 3am.
5. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2am and make a cup of tea.
6. Go to bed at 2.45am.
7. Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off.
8. Sing songs in the dark until 4am.
9. Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up when it goes off.
10. Make breakfast.

Keep this up for 5 years. LOOK CHEERFUL.

Test 4 - Dressing Small Children

1. Buy a live octopus and a string bag.
2. Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that no arms hang out.

Time Allowed: 5 minutes.

Test 5 - Cars

1. Forget the BMW. Buy a practical 5-door wagon.
2. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there.
3. Get a coin. Insert it into the CD player.
4. Take a box of chocolate biscuits; mash them into the back seat.
5. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.

Test 6 - Going For a Walk

Wait
Go out the front door
Come back in again
Go out
Come back in again
Go out again
Walk down the front path
Walk back up it
Walk down it again
Walk very slowly down the road for five minutes.
Stop, inspect minutely and ask at least 6 questions about every piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead insect along the way.
Retrace your steps
Scream that you have had as much as you can stand until the neighbours come out and stare at you.
Give up and go back into the house.

You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.

Test 7

Repeat everything you say at least 5 times.

Test 8 - Grocery Shopping

1. Go to the local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find to a pre-school child - a fully grown goat is excellent. If you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat.
2. Buy your weekly groceries without letting the goat(s) out of your sight.
3. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys.

Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.

Test 9 - Feeding a 1 year-old

1. Hollow out a melon
2. Make a small hole in the side
3. Suspend the melon from the ceiling and swing it side to side
4. Now get a bowl of soggy cornflakes and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon while pretending to be an aeroplane.
5. Continue until half the cornflakes are gone.
6. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor.

Test 10 - TV

1. Learn the names of every character from the Wiggles, Barney, Teletubbies and Disney.
2. Watch nothing else on television for at least 5 years.

Test 11 - Mess

Can you stand the mess children make? To find out:

1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains
2. Hide a fish behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.
3. Stick your fingers in the flowerbeds and then rub them on clean walls. Cover the stains with crayon. How does that look?
4. Empty every drawer/cupboard/storage box in your house onto the floor & leave it there.

Test 12 - Long Trips with Toddlers

1. Make a recording of someone shouting 'Mummy' repeatedly. Important Notes: No more than a 4 second delay between each Mummy. Include occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet.
2. Play this tape in your car, everywhere you go for the next 4 years.

You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.

Test 13 - Conversations

1. Start talking to an adult of your choice.
2. Have someone else continually tug on your shirt hem or shirt sleeve while playing the Mummy tape listed above.

You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room.

Test 14 - Getting ready for work

1. Pick a day on which you have an important meeting.
2. Put on your finest work attire.
3. Take a cup of cream and put 1 cup of lemon juice in it
4. Stir
5. Dump half of it on your nice silk shirt
6. Saturate a towel with the other half of the mixture
7. Attempt to clean your shirt with the same saturated towel
8. Do not change (you have no time).
9. Go directly to work

You are now ready to have children. ENJOY!!
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: contemporarydog on June 03, 2008, 01:35:39 PM
Absolutely brilliant, LE!!!  agagagagag agagagagag agagagagag agagagagag agagagagag ahahahahah ahahahahah ahahahahah ahahahahah
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: ericthered on June 04, 2008, 01:42:44 AM
Shouldn't there be a test to prepare for teenagers? I'm thinking something involving purchasing a particularly lazy and oversized cat, putting MTV on at all hours and occasionally telling the cat to pick up all the hair it's shedding, take out the trash, stop hanging out with the disreputable tom in the alley, ask how it's day has been and try making it take a bath or attend family functions. The indifference shown by the feline towards all these things will eventually prepare you for teenagers.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Con ate dog on June 04, 2008, 09:44:07 PM
Nothing about this hit home with me personally; gues I've been away too long:

The New Canadian Rant

My name is Norm and I AM CANADIAN 

I am a minority in Vancouver, Toronto and every casino in this country.

I was born in 1958, yet I am responsible for some FIRST NATIONS PEOPLE BEING SCREWED OUT OF THEIR LAND in the 1700's.

I pay import tax on cars made in Ontario.

I am allowed to skydive and smoke, but not allowed to drive without a seat belt.   

All the money I make until mid July must go to paying taxes.

I live and work among people who believe Americans are ignorant. These same people cannot name this country's new territory.

Although I am sometimes forced to live on Kraft dinner and don't have a pot to piss in, I sleep well knowing that my taxes helped purchase a nice six figure home in Vancouver for some unskilled refugee.   

Although they are unpatriotic and constantly try to separate, Quebec Still provides my nation's prime ministers.

95% of my nation's international conflicts are over fish.

I'm supposed to call black people African Canadians, although I'm sure none of them have ever been to Africa, or east of Halifax for that matter.   

I believe that paying a 200% tax on alcohol is fair.

I believe that the same tax on gasoline is also fair.

Even if I have no idea what happened to that old rifle my grandfather gave me when I was 14, I will be considered a criminal if I don't register it. 

I believe spending $15 billion to promote the French language in the rest of Canada is fair when the province of Quebec doesn't support or recognize the English language.

I believe that paying $30 million for 3 Stripes ('The Voice of Fire painting in Ottawa) by the National Art Gallery was a good purchase, Even though 99% of this country didn't want it or will ever see it.   

When I look at my pay stub and realize that I take home a third of what I actually make, I say 'Oh well, at least we have better health care than the Americans.' 

I must bail out farmers when their crops are too wet or too dry because I control the rain.

My national anthem has versions in both official languages and I don't know either of them.

Canada is the highest taxed nation in North America, the biggest Military buffer for the United States, and the number one destination for fleeing terrorists.

I am not an angry white male. I am an angry taxpayer who is fucking broke. 

My name is Norm, and I am Canadian

Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: adamsmith on June 05, 2008, 11:43:33 PM
americans - ignorant,, I'll have nun-of-it. ahahahahah ahahahahah cbcbcbcbcb
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Granny Mae on June 07, 2008, 11:56:57 AM
Con ate dog,don't even start me on an Aussie rant. asasasasas
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: AMonk on June 07, 2008, 12:06:34 PM
The Eternal Mystery.......why are single women generally so much slimmer than the married ones?


















The single woman arrives homes, looks into her refrigerator, sees what she has in there and heads to bed.

The married woman looks at what is in her bed----and heads for the fridge!!
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Bugalugs on June 11, 2008, 02:13:55 AM
King Arthur was in Merlin's laboratory where the great wizard was showing him his latest creation. It was a chastity belt, except it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place which made it basically useless.

"This is no good, Merlin!" the King exclaimed, "Look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect my lady, the Queen, when I'm on a long quest?"

"Ah, sire, just observe," said Merlin. He then selected his most worn out wand, one that he was going to discard anyway. He inserted it in the gaping aperture of the chastity belt whereupon a small guillotine blade came down and cut it neatly in two.

"Merlin, you are a genius!" said the grateful monarch. "Now I can leave, knowing that my Queen is fully protected."

After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out upon a lengthy Quest.

Several years passed until he returned to Camelot. Immediately he assembled all of his knights in the courtyard and had them drop their trousers for an informal 'short arm' inspection.

Sure enough, each and every one of them was either amputated or damaged in some way. All of them, except Sir Galahad.

"Sir Galahad," exclaimed King Arthur. "You are my one and only true knight! Only you among all the nobles have been true to me. What is it in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours."

But, alas, Sir Galahad was speechless.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: contemporarydog on June 13, 2008, 10:49:32 PM
Man walks into a session with an octopus and declares that it can play any instrument in the room and £100 backs up his outrageous claim. So the fiddler hands over the fiddle, the octopus picks it up and plays beautifully, £100 to the octopus. Same for the drums, the guitar and banjo.... Then the piper declares he is sure to meet the bet and come out on top. So he hands over his pipes and the octopus turns them first one way then the other, and not a sound comes out of it. The owner looks little nervous and asks the octopus whats wrong. "Play it? I'm still trying to get her out of these pyjamas!
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Canvet on June 18, 2008, 03:52:17 AM
If you've ever worked for a boss that reacts before getting the
facts and thinking things through, you will love this!   ahahahahah
   
Arcelor-Mittal Steel, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new
CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.
 
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall.
The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he
meant business.
   
He walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked, 'How
much money do you make a week?'
 
A little surprised, the young man looked at him and replied, 'I make
$400 a week. Why?'
   
The CEO then handed the guy $1,600 in cash and screamed, 'Here's
four weeks' pay, now GET OUT and don't come back.'
   
Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and
asked, 'Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here? '
   
From across the room came a voice,    bpbpbpbpbp  'Pizza delivery guy from
Domino's.'


 axaxaxaxax           axaxaxaxax               axaxaxaxax
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Canvet on June 25, 2008, 02:30:59 AM
IMPORTANT
MUST READ

http://Newsflash

The Centre for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand, and even electronically.    

This virus is called Weary Overload Recreational Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues or anyone else via any means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT.  This virus will wipe out your private life completely.

If you should come into contact with WORK you should immediately leave the premises.

Take two good friends to the nearest grocery store and purchase one or both of the antidotes - Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) and Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER).  Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.


You should immediately forward this medical alert to your friends. If you do not have any friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.

 ahahahahah  ahahahahah  ahahahahah ahahahahah
 axaxaxaxax    axaxaxaxax
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: technolust on June 25, 2008, 09:23:27 AM
This one isn't quite PC I think, so if deemed inappropriate, the moderators should delete it.

A small white guy steps in to the elevator to the top floor of a skyscraper. As the doors close, a huge black man gets on as well. Puzzled, the small guy stares at the big man. The black man looks back at him and in a thundering voice he says: "7 foot, 250 ponds, size 15, 9 inch penis, Turner Brown". The little man faints on the spot.

The big guy hurredly shakes him, trying to revive him. Eventually the small guy regains consciousness. "Are you alright?", asks the big man. "What did you just say to me", squeaks the little guy.

"Well, I saw you looking at me, so I answered the questions people asks me all the time in advance", he explains. "I'm 7' tall, I weigh 250lbs, I wear size 15 shoes, my penis is 9 inches long and my name is Turner Brown".

"Turner Brown? Thank god!" the small man says, "I thought you said 'turn around'!"
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: AMonk on June 25, 2008, 10:56:31 AM
Ooooohhh so very UN-PC!! cbcbcbcbcb cbcbcbcbcb










TeeHeeHee ahahahahah
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: DaDan on June 26, 2008, 12:24:49 AM
ya want un PC?
 bfbfbfbfbf


.
.

Whats transparent, trembles & lays in the gutter?

.
.
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.
.
 

.

.

..

.
.
..
.
.
.


.
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..
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.

.
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.
a nigger black guy wit the shit kicked out of him...
 bpbpbpbpbp
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: DaDan on June 26, 2008, 12:32:39 AM
some real life humor to think about & picture in yer mind. When I was 19, in Las Vegas, for an unspecified reason...

I got arrested & put in jail for a week, when they booked the days catch in the county lock up, they had a group of us shower & go to a room nekid to be searched.

me, your average sized white guy...
& a dozen black guys standing in a circle, in the middle of a cold room... `nekid

 
axaxaxaxax
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Lotus Eater on June 26, 2008, 01:53:00 AM
ya want un PC?
 


NO
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: ericthered on June 26, 2008, 01:59:01 AM
I second that. A laugh is a laugh but I never found nor ever will find, anything remotely associated with racsism and hate crimes the least bit amusing. Could we please, in the name of common decency and decomrum, dispense with these terribly unfunny jokes?
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Stil on June 26, 2008, 01:07:49 PM
Hard line to draw Eric. I personally have no problem with un-pc jokes. What about this one? the first part is true about the congresswoman's complaint.

Black hurricanes....

     Well, it appears our African-American friends have found yet
         something else to be pissed about.  A black congresswoman,
         from Florida , has complained that the names of hurricanes are
         all Caucasian sounding names.

         She would prefer some names that reflect African-American
         culture  such as Chamiqua, Tanisha, Woeisha, Shaqueal, and Jamal.
         I am NOT making this up!

         She would also like the weather reports to be broadcas t in 'language'
         that street people can understand because one of the  problems that
         happened in New Orleans was, that black people couldn't understand
         the seriousness of the situation, due to the racially biased language of
         the weather report.

         I guess if the weather person says that the winds are going to blow
         at 140+ MPH, that's too hard to understand

         I can hear it now:   A weatherman in Miami and Tampa says...

         Wazzup, mutha-fukkas! Hehr-i-cane Chamiqua be
         headin' fo' yo ass like Leroy on a crotch rocket!
         Bitch be a category fo'! So grab yo' chirren, yo'
         Ho, be leavin yo crib, and head fo' da n earest
         guv'ment office fo yo FREE shit!
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Lotus Eater on June 26, 2008, 02:27:00 PM
Sounds like she is actually commenting on the state of education offered in those areas to me!

But - I agree with Eric - and I think when we start saying this is un PC - we know we are crossing lines.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: non-dave on June 26, 2008, 02:53:37 PM
That's why we have lines... to cross 'em.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Lotus Eater on June 26, 2008, 03:03:33 PM
Not if they are racist surely??  We had pretty clear rules about comments like the jokes in question in V 1 and 11.  I hope we still have them in this version of the forum.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Stil on June 26, 2008, 04:36:31 PM
Three Irishmen walk into a bar.... nevermind

How many Poles does it take to change a light .... nevermind

Two Austrlians are trying to speak English..... crap!

No wonder i never post here. I don't know any PC jokes.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: ericthered on June 26, 2008, 07:19:47 PM
Ok, let me rephrase my statement: jokes that sound as if they have been lifted from the Ku Klux Klan Big Book of Funny Stuff for the Post-Lynching Hoe-Down are, to me anyway, not funny.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Stil on June 27, 2008, 12:07:45 AM
No Speak English

A Chinese woman married a Canadian gentleman and they lived happily ever after in Toronto.   However, the poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband.  The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.

One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs.  She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message, and gave her the chicken legs.

Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it, and so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts.  The butcher understood again, and gave her some chicken breasts.

On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages.  Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...


 

 

 

 

 

 

 

What were you thinking?  Hellooooooo, her husband speaks English!


I don't know about you sometimes!
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: non-dave on June 27, 2008, 02:10:26 PM
Stil, you yourself are the epitome of the PC joke! Post a picture...
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Stil on June 27, 2008, 05:30:12 PM
What do you mean Non-Dave?

(http://i11.photobucket.com/albums/a197/Bissessar/PietandI.jpg)

I'm the guy who's not pink.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: dragonsaver on June 27, 2008, 05:40:48 PM
You look like a native Torontonian to me.  agagagagag agagagagag
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: non-dave on June 28, 2008, 02:13:34 PM
Pah! The wonders of photoshop...

That's actually a pretty good photo of you, Stil, you're a handsome man! I retract my earlier statement.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Stil on June 28, 2008, 02:51:34 PM
Con and Raoul, are getting very drunk at the Shamrock one night when suddenly Raoul throws up all over himself.

"Oh, no... Now my wife will kill me!"

Con says, "Don't worry, pal. Just tuck a twenty in your breast pocket and tell your wife that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty RMB for the cleaning bill."

So they stay for another couple of hours and get even more drunk.

Eventually Raoul stumbles home and his wife starts to give him a bad time. "You reek of alcohol and you've puked all over yourself! My God, you're disgusting!"

Speaking very carefully so as not to slur his words, Raoul says, "Nowainaminit, I can e'splain everythin. Itsh snot wha jewthink. I only had a cupla drrrinks. But thiss other guy got ssick on me...he had one too many and he juss koudin hold hizz liquor. He said hes was verrry sorry an' gave me twennie kuai for the cleaning bill!"

His wife looks in the breast pocket and says, "But this is forty bucks.."

"Oh, yeah... I almos' fergot, he craPPed in my pants, too."
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: teleplayer on June 29, 2008, 07:46:53 AM
bkbkbkbkbk

Besides the shared birthday we share appreciation for the same sick jokes.  agagagagag
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: cheekygal on June 29, 2008, 03:46:42 PM
 ahahahahah stil, you are  cbcbcbcbcb cbcbcbcbcb cbcbcbcbcb
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: cheekygal on June 29, 2008, 03:48:40 PM
And every time I see Stil, I think Russel Peters "im notch a peeees of meetch!"
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Granny Mae on July 06, 2008, 08:25:17 PM
A man charges into a bank wearing a balaclava and weilding a handgun. He shouts, "Everyone get on the floor!" and he proceeds to empty the cash drawers. As he runs towards the door with the loot, a brave customer yanks off his balaclava. The robber immediately shoots the customer and shouts:"Did anybody else see my face?" "Did anybody else see my face?" he shouts again,waving his gun around. There is silence for a few seconds,before a male voice is heard from a distant corner: "I think my missus caught a glimpse...."  uuuuuuuuuu
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: AMonk on July 13, 2008, 04:22:42 AM
A doctor is changing the dressing for his 100-year old patient, a black lady.  He has reached the last layer of bandages, which is cotton wool.  This requires very careful tweezering to remove each tuft, so that no pain is caused.

Suddenly the old lady starts to giggle.  Not a reaction the doctor expected.

"Is everything alright?" he asks.

"Oh, Yes," she replies.  "It's just that this is the first time I've ever had my cotton picked by a white man!"
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: DaDan on July 13, 2008, 07:10:32 AM
A missionary gets sent into deepest darkest Africa and
goes to live with a tribe there.
He spends years with the people, teaching them to read,
write, and the good Christian ways of the white man. One
thing he particularly stresses is the evils of sexual sin.
Thou must not fornicate or commit adultery!


One day, the wife of one of the Tribe's noblemen gives
birth to a white child. The village is shocked and the chief
is sent by his people to talk with the missionary. "You
have taught us of the evils of sexual sin, yet here a black
woman gives birth to a white child. You are the only white
man that has ever set foot in our village. It doesn't
take a genius to figure out what has been going on!"


The missionary replies: "No, no, my good man. You
are mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence
- what is called an albino. Look over there to your fields.
You see a field of white sheep, and yet amongst them is one
black one. Nature does this on occasion." <br>
The chief pauses for a moment then says, "Tell you
what, you don't say anything about the black sheep,
and I won't say anything about the white child."
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: DaDan on July 13, 2008, 07:18:03 AM
A psychiatrist visited a California mental institution
and asked a patient, "How did you get here? What was
the nature of your illness?" He got the following
reply.


"Well, it all started when I got married and I guess
I should never have done it. I married a widow with a grown
daughter who then became my stepdaughter.


My dad came to visit us, fell in love with my lovely stepdaughter,
then married her. And so my stepdaughter was now my stepmother.
Soon, my wife had a son who was, of course, my daddy's
brother-in-law since he is the half-brother of my stepdaughter,
who is now, of course, my daddy's wife.


So, as I told you, when my stepdaughter married my daddy,
she was at once my stepmother! Now, since my new son is brother
to my stepmother, he also became my uncle. As you know, my
wife is my step-grandmother since she is my stepmother's
mother. Don't forget that my stepmother is my stepdaughter.
Remember, too, that I am my wife's grandson.


But hold on just a few minutes more. You see, since I'm
married to my step-grandmother, I am not only the wife's
grandson and her hubby, but I am also my own grandfather.
Now can you understand how I got put in this place?"
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: wOZfromOZ on July 14, 2008, 04:45:37 AM
32 pages of jokes ...AWESOME!

I was going through mine I'd saved in my bigpond e-mail account and I want to tell you this is one of my favourite jokes.................. bfbfbfbfbf   

A Senior driver ….Grandma’s letter.

The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a "Honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day, because I had just come from a thrilling choir practice followed by a powerful prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus ……………. because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed that green light.

I found that LOTS of people love Jesus. Why, while I was sitting there, the nice man behind started honking like crazy, and he leaned out of his window and screamed, "for the love of God, GO! GO!"

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for the Lord. Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people.

I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love. There must have been a man from Florida back there, because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach.

I saw another man waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. When I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was an Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back.

My grandson burst out laughing; why even he was enjoying this religious experience. A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.
I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So I waved to all my sisters and brothers, smiled at them all, and drove on through the intersection.

I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again, and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window, and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!

Share Grandma's letter with your friends.

Happy days
wOZfromOZ.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Lone Traveller on July 18, 2008, 03:54:49 PM
Did you hear about the banker who was recently arrested for embezzling $100,000 to pay for his daughter's college education?

As the policeman, who also had a daughter in college, was leading him away in handcuffs, he said to the banker, "I have just one question for you. Where were you going to get the rest of the money?"
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Mister Barfly on July 19, 2008, 05:59:47 PM
This might have been posted before

    One day, a houseparent/ deaf school Dorm Supervisor went to her Dean with a complaint.

    “I have several girls in my dorm who have recently started using make up and lipstick. But instead of blotting off their lipstick on toilet paper, they are leaving lipstick marks on the bathroom mirrors! It’s hard to wash the lipstick off! I’ve struggled to remove the lipstick marks, but I can’t seem to find a way to get them off the mirrors! None of the girls will admit they left the lipstick marks, so I end up having to wash the mirrors myself! This is not OK! What should I do? I need your help.”

    The Dean thought for a moment and then she came up with a cleaver idea. Then, she shared her thoughts with the Dorm Supervisor who enthusiastically agreed.

    “Yes! Yes! That is a champ idea!”

    So, the Dean and the Dorm Supervisor went to the girls dorm and called a meeting with several of the girls; not all, just the leaders, some of whom they suspected might be involved with leaving lipstick marks on the mirrors, but they did not point fingers at anyone in particular.

    The meeting was to be held in the bathroom. The girls were quite curious about having a meeting in the bathroom, so they eagerly attended to see what was up. When they arrived, they saw the Dean and the Dorm Supervisor there.

    The Dean said, “Ladies, first I want to than you for coming to share a few moments of your time with me. However, I notice we have a little bit of a problem. Apparently there have been some girls leaving lipstick marks on the bathroom mirrors. You know that today, lipstick is made to stay on the lips. It’s really strong and doesn’t wash off easy. Your poor Dorm Supervisor has been struggling to wash off the lipstick marks from the mirrors, but it has been hard. She has not been able to find a way to get these marks off. But the two of us recently talked with the school janitor, and the janitor gave us a great idea to finally removed the lipstick marks. Your Dorm Supervisor will show you now.”

    The girls watched as the Dorm Supervisor found herself a squeegee. Then she walked over to one of the toilets, lifted the lid, and plunged the squeegee down into the toilet water to get it nice and wet. Then she walked with the squeegee over to one of the mirrors and began washing and wiping it down. Amazingly, the lipstick came right off!

    The girls eye opened wide in shock! They looked back and forth at each other while the cat got their tongue! No one mentioned a word, but their faces said it all!

    The Dean said, “Now that you know we have found the best way to remove the lipstick marks from the mirrors, please go and tell others. Spread the word to the other girls. Now you all know that the best way to blot your lipstick from your lips is to use toilet paper.”

    Before they left, the Dean looked at them sternly and nodded to make sure all the girls clearly understood the message.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Mister Barfly on July 19, 2008, 06:02:28 PM
After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb....

'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver, 'Would you please take your seat so we can leave?'
'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today.'
'I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job!
And what if something should happen?' protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.
'There might be something extra in it for you,' says the Pope.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.

'Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!' pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. 'Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license,' moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but The cop takes one look at him, goes Back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

'I need to talk to the Chief,' he says to the dispatcher.
The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.

'So bust him,' says the Chief.
'I don't think we want to do that - he's really important,' said the cop.
The Chief exclaimed, 'All the more reason!'
'No, I mean really important,' said the cop.
The Chief then asked, 'Who have you got there, the Mayor?'
Cop: 'Bigger.'
Chief: 'Governor?'
Cop: 'Bigger.'
'Well,' said the Chief, 'Who is it?'
Cop: 'I think it's God!'
Chief: 'What makes you think it's God?'

Cop: 'He's got the f**ing Pope as a chauffeur!'

Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Mister Barfly on July 19, 2008, 06:03:34 PM
General Cosgrove was interviewed on the radio recently.



You'll love his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children. Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you gotta love this! This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion of an ABC interview between a female broadcaster and General Cosgrove who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military headquarters.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
But you're equipping them to become violent killers.



 



GENERAL COSGROVE:



Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?



 



The radio went silent and the interview ended.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Lone Traveller on July 20, 2008, 12:15:29 AM
  bkbkbkbkbk ahahahahah
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Stil on July 29, 2008, 02:38:08 PM

Twelve Irish priests were about to be ordained.  The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy, beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them.
 
Each priest had a small bell attached to his weenie, and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.

The beautiful model danced before the first candidate, with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest, Sean.

Poor Sean...
As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off, clattering across the ground and laid to rest in nearby foliage.  Embarrassed, Sean quickly scrambled to where the bell came to rest.
He bent over to pick it up....

...and all the other bells started to ring.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Granny Mae on August 15, 2008, 08:15:52 PM




A young Aussie bloke moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job.
The manager asked 'Do you have any sales experience?'


The young man answered 'Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Dubbo.'


The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job. His first day on the
job was challenging and busy, but he got through it.


After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked,  'OK, so how
many sales did you make today?'


The Aussie said 'One!'


The manager groaned and continued, 'Just one? Our sales people average 20 or
30 sales a day.  How much was the sale for?'


£124,237.64


The manager choked and exclaimed £124,237.64!! What the hell did you sell
him?'


'Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook and then
I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing
and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we
went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engined Power Cat.
Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull  it, so I took him
down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x 4 Suzuki'.


The manager, incredulous, said 'You mean to tell me....a guy came in here to
buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a 4x4?'


'No no no, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his lady friend
and I said,


'Well, since your weekend's buggered, you might as well go fishing.'
 
 
   
 
 
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: DaDan on August 16, 2008, 07:02:39 PM
A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral ... I'm a gynecologist."

The proctologist fainted.

Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Granny Mae on August 16, 2008, 09:32:01 PM
I THINK YOU'RE THE FATHER OF ONE OF MY KIDS...

       A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman
waving at him. She says hello. He's rather taken back because he
can't place where he knows her from. So he says, 'Do you know me?' To which

she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'

       Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been
unfaithful to his wife and says, 'My God, are you the stripper from
my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my
buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???'

      She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I' m your son's
teacher.'
 aoaoaoaoao
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Stil on August 18, 2008, 12:01:47 PM
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over
his mouth and nose. A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial
sponge bath.
Nurse', he mumbles, from behind the mask. 'Are my testicles black?'

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, 'I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to
wash your upper body and feet.'

He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, please check. Are my testicles black?'

Concerned that he may elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worry
about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the
covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles
in the other.

Then, she takes a close look and says, There's nothing wrong with them,
Sir!'

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,
'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very
closely......


-

 
A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Bugalugs on August 18, 2008, 11:35:01 PM
Results of a recent research shows that there are
7 kinds of sex .

The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex.
* This kind of sex happens when you first meet
Someone and you both have sex until you are
Blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex.
* This is when you have been with your partner
For a short time and you are so needy you will
Have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex.
* This is when you have been with your partner
For a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and
You usually have sex only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex
* This is when you have been with your partner
For too long. When you pass each other in the
Hallway you both say "fuck you."

The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex.
* Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun
In the afternoon and Nun at night.(Very Popular)

The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex.
* This is when you cannot stand your wife any
More. She takes you to court and screws you
In front of everyone.

And; Last, but not least,
The 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security Sex.
* You get a little each month.
But not enough to enjoy your self.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: dasein on August 19, 2008, 03:19:19 AM
What did the 0 say to the 8?

Nice belt!

 oooooooooo
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: DaDan on August 19, 2008, 04:27:29 AM
What did the blind man say as he walked past the fish market?



`morning ladies
8)


yes... an oldy but goody
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Stil on August 20, 2008, 03:51:38 AM
A guy is walking along the strip in Las Vegas and a knockout looking hooker catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the hooker, "How much do you charge?"
Hooker replies, "It starts at $500 for a handjob."
 
Guy says, "$500 dollars?! For a handjob?! No handjob is worth that kind of money!"
 
The hooker says, "Do you see that Denny's on the corner?"
 
"Yes."
 
"Do you see the Denny's about a block further down?"
 
"Yes."
 
"And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's?"
 
"Yes."
 
"Well," says the hooker, smiling invitingly, "I own those. And, I own them because I give a handjob that's worth $500."
 
The guy thinks to himself, "What the hell? You only live once. I'll give it a try." and accepts the hooker's offer.
 
They retire to a nearby motel. A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realizing that he just experienced the handjob of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500. He is so amazed, he says, "I suppose a blowjob is $1,000?"
 
The hooker replies, "$1,500."
 
"I wouldn't pay that for a blowjob!"
 
The hooker replies, "Step over here to the window, big boy. Do you see that casino just across the street? I own that casino outright. And I own it because I give a blowjob that's worth every cent of $1,500."
 
The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific handjob, decides to put off the new car for another year or so, and says, "Sign me up."
 
Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before. He can scarcely believe it, but he feels he truly got his money's worth. He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and unforgettable experience. He asks the hooker, "How much for some pussy?"
 
The hooker says, "Come over here to the window, I want to show you something. Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us, all those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and showplaces?"
 
"Damn!" the guy says, in awe, "You own the whole city?"
 
"No," the hooker replies. "But I would if I had a pussy."
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Stil on August 23, 2008, 03:47:25 PM
Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little 5-year-old girl and some construction workers that will make you believe we all can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time.

A young family moved into a house next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew began to build a house on the empty lot. The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an Interest in the goings-on and spent much of each day observing the workers.

Eventually the construction crew, all of them 'gems-in-the-rough,' more or less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her during coffee and lunch breaks and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel Important.

At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her Mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars 'pay' she'd received to the bank and open a savings account.

When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, 'I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us.'

'Oh my goodness gracious,' said the teller, 'and will you be working on the house again this week, too?' The little girl replied, 'I will, if those assholes at Lowes ever deliver the f _ n' sheet rock.'

Brings a tear to your eye, don't it!!!!
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: cheekygal on August 23, 2008, 07:27:30 PM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fk-1mla0LeU
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: ericthered on August 24, 2008, 04:34:57 AM
This is the kind of joke that can be easily changed to poke fun at whatever group of people you find are in dire need of being laughed at. In my case it's Swedes, as they have not apologised for what they did in 1658.

A ventriloquist is doing a gig at a club, part of the routine being that his dummy tell lots of jokes about how stupid the Swedes are. At some point a Swede sitting among the audience gets up and says, "We Swedes are not as stupid as you say we are!" "No," said says the ventriloquist, "but it's not meant to be taken seriously. It's just for fun".
"Shut up, moron," says the irate Swede, "it's the bastard on your lap I'm talking to!"

Just to show that I can poke fun at Danes too, here is another one:

A Dane had been hired by NASA. On his first voyage into space he was accompanied by a monkey. According to plan, the monkey opens his envelope with instructions first, which tells him what buttons to press, what the right temperature for the engine is and finally there is a thick manual with all the experiments they are to carry out. According to plan, the Dane then opens his envelope. It contains one piece of paper on which is written simply, "Remember to feed the monkey".


Why does Denmark not have a hockey team? It drowned during summer training.

What happened when the Swede went to a mind reader?
He got his money back!



Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Mr Nobody on August 24, 2008, 06:52:58 AM
I've heard those as Irish jokes. Or Polish jokes when someone in the room is Irish, just in case they get the joke.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: ericthered on August 24, 2008, 08:58:51 AM
We usually tell them about people from Århus, a large city in Jutland. They tell them about us from Copenhagen.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: DaDan on August 25, 2008, 02:26:11 AM
ey...
you hear the one about the blue sky & white clouds?

neva minds... `wouldn't get it. I't's a bit too far over your heads I believe.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: cheekygal on August 29, 2008, 05:06:58 AM
FOLLOW DIRECTIONS CAREFULLY.......
(Never have, never wiil)

IF U DON'T, THE FOLLOWING WILL HAPPEN TO U .... (U WILL FIND OUT LATER ON)

(You know, if you’re going to threaten someone, best to do it right away.)

NOW LISTEN.........

(I’m sorry I wasn’t listening.)




You will probably think this chain letter, like most chain letters, is
full of crap and does not work.

(That might’ve crossed my mind.)

BUT GUESS WHAT...

(What?!)


Y O U ' R E W R O N G
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(OMG!!!)


I KNOW....I KNOW U WILL PROBABLY JUST IGNORE THIS ...

(Damn straight)

BUT IF U DO .. THEN YOUR LOVE LIFE WILL VANISH IN 4-5 YEARS

(......you mean it wouldn’t be immediate?)


READ ON TO LISTEN TO A TAIL OF THE LEGEND OF
"U THOUGHT U KNEW WHAT LOVE IS....."

(Not only is that the wrong “tale” but the title is misspelled, some
legend.)

ONE EARLY MORNING, A WOMAN, WHO ALMOST EVERYONE KNEW AND
LOVED, WENT TO HER GRANDMOTHER'S FUNERAL ......

(Oddly enough, the woman’s name is A Woman. Crazy, I know)

THE WOMEN, NAMED ISABELLA, WAS ABOUT TO BE MARRIED THE
NEXT DAY.

(Hm, a funeral and a wedding back to back? Seems awful inconsiderate of
someone.)

EVERY OTHER GUY WAS JEALOUS AND SHE LOVED THE ATTENTION.....

(Oh yeah, I’m totally jealous that she’s getting married to a guy with
herpes.)

HER GRANDMOTHER LEFT ISABELLA A CHEST WITH A LOT OF SO CALLED
"JUNK" IN IT.

(It was probably a keyboard with a broken “caps lock” button)

SHE FOUND MANY CHAIN LETTERS, INCLUDING THIS ONE, AND THOUGHT WHAT
EVERYONE ELSE THOUGHT ABOUT THEM: "BRIEFLY ADOICANTUIOUSLLY MYTHS" ..

(I’m guessing the emails were so retarded that she MADE UP A WORD for them.)

SO.... WHAT DO U THINK HAPPENED.....

(She got married and had hot raunchy sex. *see previous blog entry*)

THE GROOM CALLED THE WEDDING OFF ........

(Right after her grandmother’s funeral, that bastard!)


SHE THOUGHT "OH WELL I HAVE EVERY OTHER GUY...."

( Gee, I wonder what will happen next)

WELL DID SHE?......

(I don’t know. Yes?)

NO EVERY SINGLE PERSON ON THE PLANET DESPISED HER.....SHE WATCHED THE
WORLD AROUND HER CRIPPLE.....

(Freaking world, for being all crippled and shit.)


AND HER FAMILY DIE :-(

(I didn’t like those bastards much anyway)

NOW WHAT SHE READ ON THE CHAIN LETTER WAS THIS:

(You have AIDS! Bum, Bum, BUM!!)


NOW YOU ARE SEEKED TO PASS THIS ON.

(I am seeked for a lot of things ^_^)


IT HAS BEEN PASSED ON 4 EVER,

(Oh yes, forever, b***es. In fact, it’s a widely known fact that Jesus
got this chain letter for his 33rd birthday and failed to pass it on and
just look what happened to him. Don’t f*** around with this crap.)

AND A PERSON WHO DOES NOT PASS IT ON SHALL HAVE A LOVE LIFE OF COMPLETE
DEVER.

(Don’t bother busting out those dictionaries, English Majors, that word
doesn’t exist.)

NOT ONLY NO A LOVE LIFE BUT SICKNESS AND ILLNESS IN THE FAMILY.

(Well, just as long as it isn’t me)

FOR YOU SHOULD THINK OF OTHERS FIRST...

(F*** them)

BEFORE IT IS TO LATE!!!!!!!

(Bum, Bum, BUM!)

NOW U GO TO FORWARD AT THE EDGE OF YOUR SCREEN
AND MAIL IT TO....

0 PEOPLE ...AND WELL HERE LOOK AT THIS:

IF U DO NOT PASS THIS ON AND TAKE IT AS ANOTHER STUPID CHAIN LETTER THAN
THE FOLLOWING COULD HAPPEN...

(Could happen? You’re taking a chance on probability? You’re a chain
letter, for fuck’s sake, you gotta be definite!)

1. THE LOVE OF YOUR LIFE WILL BREAK UP WITH U 4 NO REASON

(I think that one happened BEFORE I get this letter)

2. A SPECIAL PERSON IN YOUR LIFE WILL START SEEING SOMEONE ELSE
AND LEAVE U BE

(Gee, that’s much better than the first reason. /sarcasm)

3. YOUR LOVE LIFE WILL BREAK APART AND NOT BE PUT TOGETHER IN
AS MANY YEARS AS U R OLD

(My love life was already broken so I guess this really doesn’t count.
However, I will give you your props for spelling like a 5th grader)

4. THE PERSON U R EITHER TOGETHER WITH OR ABOUT TO GET TOGETHER WITH
WITH FALL APART AND CONSIDERABALLY NOT HAPPEN EVER

(These threats suck. Where’s the cancer? Where’s the demise? Where’s the
‘no next gen console for you’?)


BUT DON'T WORRY THERE IS MORE....

(Oh goody)

5. YOUR LIFE WILL SHATTER BEFORE YOUR EYES

(Isn’t that what you basically said in reasons 1-4? In fact, all these
have basically been repeating themselves in just different words)

6. U WILL WATCH THE PEOPLE AROUND U DIE RIGHT BEFORE YOUR EYES

(Ah, congrats on mixing it up a bit. The ‘utter destruction of everyone
around you’ card is always a favorite of mine)

7. A HORRIBLE STORM WILL COME AND KNOCK DOWN YOUR HOUSE AND
KILL YOUR WHOLE FAMILY INCLUDING U.

(Hey, that means I won’t have to take that final! SWEET!)

*OH MY MY MY*

(Golly gosh darn gee willikers Rumsfeld)

IF I WERE U I WOULD DO IT BECAUSE U DON'T KNOW WHAT COULD HAPPEN
WHICH ONE OF THESE IF NOT ALL OF THEM

(If you were me, you would’ve committed suicide to spare the world from
this disastrious chain letter)

BUT DO NOT WORRY IF U DO DO IT THEIR IS A GOOD SIDE IF U DO SEND IT:

(A good side? You’re far too kind.)

TO 5 PEOPLE:
U WILL GET A KISS ON THE HAND FROM YOUR DADDY
*OOOH HOW NICE*

(Uh, shouldn’t that be with the ‘bad stuff’ list? I mean incest isn’t
really a ‘good’ thing, although maybe where you come from it is.)

IF U R GOING OUT WITH SOMEONE, U WILL STAY TOGETHER BUT HE/SHE
WILL LOOK ACROSS THE MALL AT OTHER PEOPLE *HMMM*

(What the f*** is that supposed to mean? These are terrible fates!
You’re killing me! Isn’t there something on this list that isn’t utter
bullshit?!)

FAMILY MEMBERS WILL STAY THE SAME
*LET ME THINK*

(NOT GOOD ENOUGH!! F*** it, I’m not passing this on!)

TO 10 PEOPLE:
U WILL GET A HUG FROM A CUTE PERSON *OOOHHHHH HOW SPECIAL*

(Although I might consider rethinking my position)

IF U R GOING OUT WITH SOMEONE, HE/SHE WILL NOT LOOK AT OTHER
PEOPLE ONLY U *SWEET AIN'T IT*

(Yes, isn’t it sweet of the person you’re going out with not to be a
arseshat? I mean what more could I possible ask for?!)

IF U HAVE 2-3 PEOPLE IN YOUR FAMILY SICK THEY WILL SHOW
IMPROVEMENT *JUST A TAD*

(Just a tad! Like your brother, Chad, he’ll still have cancer, but he’ll
be slightly less d***ish. And this Christmas, he won’t make you feel as
guilty as last year for only getting him 4 gifts. Seriously, that kid’s
an a**hole.)

TO 15 PEOPLE:
YOUR CRUSH WILL FIGURE OUT U R ALIVE *GETTING BETTER*

(Wow, finally my crush won’t pretend like I’m dead whenever I ask her
out. Seriously, the whole ‘I don’t date dead people’ excuse was getting
kinda old. Now she’s gotta come up with another excuse.)

IF U R GOING OUT WITH SOMEONE THAN HE / SHE WILL SAY I LOVE AND
MEAN IT *DEFINITELY*


(You know, if you’re that desperate for an ‘I love you’ I know a purple
dinosaur.)

THE PEOPLE THAT R SICK IN YOUR FAMILY WILL SHOW EVEN BIGGER SIGNS
OF IMPROVEMENT *THAT IS FABOLO*

(Yes, your cousin Fabolo will finally get the chest hair he’s been
dreaming of. You see, Fabolo was a special child, said by doctors to be
forever doomed by a lack of facial hair, but this chain letter sure puts
those bastards in their place, now doesn’t it?)


TO 20 PEOPLE:
YOUR CRUSH WILL GIVE U A KISS ON THE CHEEK *HOW CUTE*

(YES! Dreams do come true! [holy shit this is a long letter])

IF U R GOING OUT WITH SOMEONE U WILL HAVE A NIGHT OF ROMANCE
ALONE/.....AND HE/SHE WILL DEF. DIG U *THAT WILL BE CUTE AS A
PEACH*

(Nothing funny to say but have you ever noticed how a peach looks like a
fuzzy white a**? Seriously, peaches suck)

THE PEOPLE SICK WILL BE OUT OF THE HOSPITAL BUT STILL NOT BETTER NOT
EVEN CLOSE

(Yeah, f*** those guys. Me getting a kiss is far more important than
their lives)

TO 25 PEOPLE: YOUR CRUSH WILL BREAK UP WITH WHOEVER AND NOTICE U R
SINGLE (BUT NOT GO OUT WITH YET!!!!!!)

(Fuck! How many people does a man have to send a chain letter to before
his crush will go out with him!?)

IF U GOING OUT WITH SOMEONE THAN THAT PERSON AND U WILL SAY THEY NEVER
WANT TO LEAVE YOUR ARMS AND MEAN IT

(If this doesn’t work, there’s always super glue.)

THE PERSON SICK WILL BE GETTING BETTER

(Finally, it’s like those F****s had a life-threatening illness or
something)

TO 30 PEOPLE: YOUR CRUSH WILL GO OUT WITH U

(That’s it! There we go. Now all I have to do is find 30 people!)

IF U R GOING OUT WITH SOMEONE THAN U WILL NEVER SEPARATE

(And it only took 30 people to make this happen)

THE PEOPLE WHO R SICK WILL BE AN THE ROAD TO RECOVERY

(I kinda feel jipped at this one. Weren’t the previous two ‘road to
recovery’ish?

TO 35 PEOPLE: YOUR CRUSH WILL FRENCH AND MAKE OUT WITH U THE MOMENT U
SAY YES

(YES! YES! YES!....um, nothing’s happening.)

IF U ARE GOING OUT WITH SOMEONE U WOULD HAVE ALREADY BEEN PASSED THAT
AND DO SOMEMORE

(Not sure what that means but what the hell!)

THE SICK PEOPLE WILL HAVE GOOD NEWS FROM THE DOCTER AND WILL HAVE TO GO
TO HOSPITAL TO TALK WITH HIM

(Huh? Wait, they get out only to go back? You know what, lets just kill
all the sick people already. It’s a waste of a chain letter)

TO 40 PEOPLE: HE WON'T EVER WANT TO STOP * NOW WE R TALKING!!!!!!!* AND
HE WILL SAY I LOVE U AND MEAN IT!!!!

(Jesus Christ! You mean my crush was secretly a guy?! God damn it!)

THE PERSON U R GOING OUT WITH WILL ASK U TO GO STEDY AND WILL GIVE HIS
NECKLACE TO WEAR SO THAT U KNOW HE WILL ALWAYS LOVE U NO MATTER WHAT!!!!

( Another guy! What’s happening to this world?! Were all the women
secretly guys or something?!)

THE PEOPLE WHO WERE SICK WILL GO TO THE HOSPITAL TO TALK TO THE DR. AND
HE WILL SAY THE CANCER OR THE AIDS OR THE HIV IR THE LUCEAMIA OR THE
WHAT EVER WAS WRONG ESCAPED FROM THEIR BODY MIRACULUSSLY AND IS NO WHERE
TO BE SEEN !!!! A MIRACLE

(Hm, have sex with a guy or cure someone’s
cancer/aids/hiv/leukemia/whatever?)


SO THERE U HAVE IT !!!!!!!

(Oh, after reading 40, I hope not)

NOW IF I WERE U I WOULD DEFINATTLY DO THIS I AM SURE THAT THE PEOPLE WHO
THOUGHT THIS IS JUST A PESTY LITTLE CHAIN LETTER IS REGRETTING IT RIGHT NOW

(Yeah, those idiots just don’t kow what they’re missing out on.)

MY FRIEND GOT ONE LIKE THIS

(You have friends?)

AND THOUGHT THAT IT WAS NOT WHAT IT REALLY IS *REAL*.....AND SAVED IT
BUT DID NOT SEND IT HER STEADY BOYFRIEND BROKE UP WITH
HER AFTER 4 YEARS OF ROMANCE

(Sucks for her. Although after 4 years of romance and no proposal, I’m
sure she already had more than enough bad luck going into it)

SO WHAT DID SHE DO WENT BACK ON AMERICA ONLINE AND WENT TO HER SAVED
MAIL AND SENT IT TO AS MANY PEOPLE AS SHE COULD IN 10 MINUTES IT DID NOT
WORK AS ACCURRATLLY BUT IT WORKED AND NOW SHE HAS BEEN GOING OUT WITH
HIM. 2 WEEKS AGO WAS THEIR 5 YEAR ANNIVERSARY.

(Wow, see, all she had to do was annoy the hell out of him.)

NOW DO U THINK THAT WAS A WEIRD COINCIDENCE OR WHAT? I DOUBT IT!!!

(Me too. I mean waht are the odds that you would be sending this chain
letter out to people and yet still write to people of its results.
That’s like saying how you spent your vegas winnings before even winning it)

NOW EVEN THOUGH YOU MIGHT THINK THIS IS LIKE ALL THE REST ISN'T
IT BETTER TO DO IT ANYWAY JUST IN CASE IS IT REALLY WORTH ALL THAT PAIN????

(After reading this far, I can’t feel pain anymore. Honestly, totally numb)

I DID DO IT AND A BOY CALLED ME UP RIGHT AWAY AND ASKED ME TO
GO OUT WITH HIM

(Hey, I got this chain letter from you. Wanna go out? Sure.)

I AM IN LOVE SO WHAT DO WANT TO FALL IN LOVE OR FALL OUT OF IT
GET DUMPED OR GET PUMPED

(I got dumped and pumped at the same time. It’s like eating chocolate
and vomiting at the same time. Good times, good times.)

HAVE YOUR LOVE ONES DIE OR THEIR ILLNESSES DIE??

(Hm, tempting. On the one hand, I do get to collect life insurance, on
the other hand, Cousin Oliver will get to annoy the shit out of me)

U PICK WELL THINK OF IT EASYILY DO U WANT BAD LUCK OR GOOD LUCK !!!!!

(Not sure why that doesn’t end with a ?)


U CHOOSE

(Finally, chain letters are becoming more democratized and giving me
choices.)

BY THE WAY GOOD LUCK AND 4 THOSE DISBELIEVERS

W A T C H O U T !!!!!!!!!!!

U JUST DON'T KNOW WHEN IT WILL HIT YA

(I’m going to stray from the norm and end this chain without really
saying anything funny.)
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Lotus Eater on August 29, 2008, 06:28:06 PM
Effective weight loss program for men:

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a
voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of
Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The
sign reads,
'If you can catch me, you can have me.'

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later puffing
and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four
days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and
is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program. The next day
there's a knock at the door and
there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in
his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around
her neck that reads, 'If you catch me you can have me'.

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent
shape and he does his best,
but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with
him gradually getting in better and better shape.

Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers
that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised. He decides to go for broke and
calls the company to order the
7-day/50 pound program.

'Are you sure?' asks the representative on the phone. 'This is our most
rigorous program.' 'Absolutely,' he replies, 'I haven't felt this good in
years.'

The next day there's a
knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy
standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his
neck that reads, 'If I catch you, your ar*e is mine.'

He lost 63 pounds that week!!
 
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Granny Mae on August 31, 2008, 07:35:51 PM



A little humor with a good moral.
The Pastor's Ass
       
 
      The pastor entered his donkey in a race and
It won.
 
      The pastor was so pleased with the donkey
That he entered it in the Race
Again, and it won again.

 
      The local paper read:
 
 
    PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.
 
      The Bishop was so upset with this kind of
Publicity that he ordered the
Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.

 
      The next day, the local paper headline
Read:


 


BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.
 
      This was too much for the bishop, so he
Ordered the pastor to get
Rid
Of the donkey.

 
      The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a
Nearby convent.
 
      The local paper, hearing of the news, posted
The following headline the next day:
 
 
NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.
 
  The bishop fainted.
 
      He informed the nun that she would have to
Get rid of the donkey, so she
Sold it to a farmer for $10.
 
      The next day the paper read:
 
      NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.
 
      This was too much for the bishop, so he
Ordered the nun to buy back the
Donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.
 
The next day the headlines read:
 
NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
 
      The bishop was buried the next day.

 
      The moral of the story is .. . . Being
Concerned about public opinion can
Bring you much grief and misery & even shorten your
Life.

 
      So be yourself and enjoy life.

 
      Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and
You'll be a lot happier and live longer! bfbfbfbfbf

 

 
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Bugalugs on September 05, 2008, 06:13:05 PM
    Results of a recent research shows that there are
    7 kinds of sex .

    The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex.
    * This kind of sex happens when you first meet
    Someone and you both have sex until you are
    Blue in the face.

    The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex.
    * This is when you have been with your partner
    For a short time and you are so needy you will
    Have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

    The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex.
    * This is when you have been with your partner
    For a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and
    You usually have sex only in your bedroom.

    The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex
    * This is when you have been with your partner
    For too long. When you pass each other in the
    Hallway you both say "fuck you."

    The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex.
    * Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun
    In the afternoon and Nun at night.(Very Popular)

    The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex.
    * This is when you cannot stand your wife any
    More. She takes you to court and screws you
    In front of everyone.

    And; Last, but not least,
    The 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security Sex.
    * You get a little each month.
    But not enough to enjoy your self.

    PLEASE DO NOT REPLY TO TELL ME
    WHAT STAGE YOU ARE IN.

I have enough problems of my own !
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Bugalugs on September 05, 2008, 06:14:27 PM
Fred is 75 years old and loves to fish and play golf.
He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, 'Pick me up.'

He looked around and couldn't see any one. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again,
'Pick me up.' He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.

Fred said, 'Are you talking to me?' 

The frog said, 'Yes, I'm talking to you Fred. Pick me up.
Then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen.
I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your bride!'

Fred looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket.

Then the frog said, 'What, are you nuts Fred? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride.' 

Fred opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said,
'Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Bugalugs on September 05, 2008, 06:15:11 PM
When  I was born God gave me two  choices.... 
(1).... I could  either have a  good  memory.... 
OR
(2)....  Be  good in bed !!!  .......
Shit  !!! ....
Now  I forgot what I was gonna tell  ya!!!
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Mr Nobody on September 06, 2008, 03:09:14 AM
I liked the last one. Leaves a lot to the imagination.

Liked the one about the frog, too.

OK, Foscolo's avatar walked into a bar.

Boom boom!
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Bugalugs on September 06, 2008, 03:33:20 AM
Hehe i loved Basil Brush.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: George on September 06, 2008, 11:51:17 AM
I'm missing the joke somehow. There is a big nasty from Photobucket, where a pic is supposed to be!!
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Bugalugs on September 06, 2008, 02:34:16 PM
Sorry photbucket wont let me post the picture. :(
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Bugalugs on September 07, 2008, 07:22:22 PM
An Australian, a Kiwi and a South African are in a bar one night having a beer.

All of a sudden the South African drinks his beer, throws his glass in the air, pulls out a gun and shoots the glass to pieces. "In Seth Efrika our glasses are so cheap that we don't need to drink from the same one twice," he says.

The Kiwi, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces. "Wull mate, in Noo Zulland we have so much sand to make the glesses that we don't need to drink out the same gless either," he says.

The Australian, cool as a Koala, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws his glass in the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the South African and the Kiwi.

He turns to the astonished barman and says,"In Strailya mate, we have so many bloody South Africans and Kiwis that we don't need to drink with the same ones twice .."
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Bugalugs on September 07, 2008, 07:23:25 PM
Sorry if this offends...

A Mormon was seated next to an Australian on a flight from London,
England, to Sydney, Australia.

After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.

The Aussie asked for a rum and Coke, which was brought and placed before
him.

The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink.

The Mormon replied in disgust, 'I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen
whores than let liquor touch my lips.'

The Aussie then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, 'Me too.
I didn't know we had a choice.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Granny Mae on September 07, 2008, 08:22:58 PM
A doctor in  Ireland wants to get off work and go hunting, so he approaches his assistant.

 

'Seamus, I am going hunting tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic,' he says. 'I want you to take care of the clinic and all me patients.'

 

'Yes, sir!' answers Seamus.

 

The doctor goes hunting, returns the following day and asks, 'So, Seamus, how was your day?'

 

Seamus tells him that he took care of three patients. 'The first one ;     had a headache, so I gave him Tylenol.'

 

'Bravo, Seamus, and the second one?' asks the doctor.

 

'The second one had stomach burning and I gave him Maalox, sir,' says  Seamus.

 

'Bravo, bravo! You're good at this. And what  about the third one?' asks the doctor.

 

'Sir, I was sitting here, and suddenly the door opens and a woman bursts into the room. Quick as a wink she undresses herself, tearing off every stitch of clothing, including her bra and her panties, and lies down on the table. She spreads her legs and  shouts, 'Help me, I beg you! It's been five years since I've seen a man!'

 

'Thunderin' Lord Jesus, Seamus, what did you do?' asks the doctor.

 

'I put drops in her eyes.'

Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Stil on September 13, 2008, 06:22:13 AM
Top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators during the Summer Olympics that they would like to take back:

1. Weight lifting commentator: This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing.

2. Dressage commentator: This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother.

3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.

4. Boxing Analyst: Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious.

5. Softball announcer: If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again.

6. Basketball analyst: He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces.

7. At the rowing medal ceremony: Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew.

8. Soccer commentator: Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field.

9. Tennis commentator: One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them... Oh my God, what have I just said?
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: George on September 13, 2008, 03:22:12 PM
Thank you Stil! agagagagag agagagagag
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: George on September 14, 2008, 11:44:08 AM
Link here for a laugh.....
http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3159/2807838577_83cbed0126_o.jpg?t=1053139 (http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3159/2807838577_83cbed0126_o.jpg?t=1053139)
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Con ate dog on September 18, 2008, 05:04:46 PM
 bkbkbkbkbk  Gotta love a fall guy.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Lotus Eater on September 19, 2008, 03:10:23 PM

Three women and three men are travelling by train to the football game.

At the station, the three men each buy a ticket and watch as the three
women buy just one ticket.

'How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?' asks
one of the men. 'Watch and learn,' answers one of the women.

They all board the train.

The three men take their respective seats but all three women cram
into a toilet together and close the door. Shortly after the train has
departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on
the toilet door and says, 'Ticket, please. The door opens just a
crack, and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor
takes it and moves on.

The men see this happen and agree it was quite a clever idea; so,
after the game, they decide to do the same thing on the return trip
and save some money.

When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return
trip but see, to their astonishment, that the three women don't buy
any ticket at all!!

'How are you going to travel without a ticket?' says one perplexed
man. 'Watch and learn,' answer the women.

When they board the train, the three men cram themselves into a
toilet, and the three women cram into another toilet just down the
way.

Shortly after the train is on its way, one of the women leaves her
toilet and walks over to the toilet in which the men are hiding. The
woman knocks on their door and says, 'Ticket, please.'

I'm still trying to figure out why men ever think they are smarter than women.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: fox on September 22, 2008, 04:51:33 PM
Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Seamus, were stumbling home from
the pub late one night and found themselves on the road which led
past the old graveyard.. "Come have a look over here," says Paddy, "It's Michael
O'Grady's grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87."

"That's nothing," says Sean, "here's one named Patrick O'Toole, it
says here that he was 95 when he died."!

Just then, Seamus yells out, "Good God, here's a fella that got to
be 145!"
"What was his name?" asks Paddy.
Seamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what
else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims,

"Miles, from Dublin."
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: fox on September 22, 2008, 06:20:05 PM
keeping on the nationality topic.

A Scotsman, American, and an Irishman are in a bar. They are having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place.

Then the Scotsman says, "Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Glasgow, there's a better one. At MacDougal's, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!"

The others agree that sounds like a good place.

Then the American says, "Yeah, that's a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one. Over in Brooklyn, there's this place, Vinny's. At Vinny's, you buy a drink, Vinny buys you a drink. You buy another drink, Vinny buys you another drink."

Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar.

Then the Irishman says, "You tink dat's great? Where oy come from in Dublin, dere's dis place called Morphy's. At Morphy's, dey boy you yer first drink, dey boy ye yer second drink, dey den boy you yer dird drink, and den, dey take you in the back and get you laid!"

"Wow!" say the other two. "That's fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?"

"No," replies the Irish guy, "but it happened to me sister."
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: teleplayer on September 23, 2008, 06:34:21 AM
Punster alert

 

 1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.  He acquired his size from too much pi.
 

 2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.


 3. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.

 4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.


 5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

 6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

 7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

 8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

 9. Two silk worms had a race.  They ended up in a tie.

 10. Time flies like an arrow.  Fruit flies like a banana.

 11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall.  The police are looking into it.

 12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

 13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway.  One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a-head.'
 

 14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger.  Then it hit me.

 15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

 16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. 

        When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'
 

 17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

 19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium, at large.

 20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

 21. A backward poet writes in-verse.

 22. In democracy it's your vote that counts.  In feudalism it's your count that votes.

 23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

 24. Don't join dangerous cults, practice safe sects!
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: teleplayer on September 23, 2008, 11:34:24 AM
(http://i125.photobucket.com/albums/p80/tele-tink/Personal%20photos%20of%20Teleplayer/underwear.gif)
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Stil on September 23, 2008, 02:11:04 PM
That guy is 18?

I guess eating your own shorts doesn't do much to keep you looking young.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: George on September 23, 2008, 02:12:59 PM
He was 18 when the story first appeared, Stil. It's been around a while. ahahahahah ahahahahah
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Stil on September 23, 2008, 02:16:56 PM
Aaah, I see. Thanks George.

Thanks for those puns teleplayer.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Lotus Eater on September 25, 2008, 04:21:56 AM
A Chinese joke that has been doing the rounds for awhile.  It was sent to me tonight - in Chinese, so 2 hours later - I have finally finished translating it!!  pppppppppp mmmmmmmmmm

Osama Bin Laden says: China is one of the places in the world that can not be subjected to a Jihad. Al-Qaeda tried seven terrorist attacks on China, the results: one bomber got lost on the flyovers trying to get to the city; one had the bomb deep-fried when it was mistaken for food in the south; one person tried to bomb a supermarket but the remote control was stolen; one tried to bomb a government building security but was mistaken for a farmer and beaten by the security guards and told "How dare you come here complaining, how dare you try to sue the top officials"; there was one successful bombing, with hundreds of people dead and injured, and the bomber returned to the base, but after 6 months there was still no news reports, so al-Qaeda leaders thought he had lied and executed the bomber; one bomber went to Guangzhou, and on the underground was robbed of the bomb, one went to a monastery for 6 months undercover and became a Buddhist, and the final attempt was by a female bomber who was sent to Henan Province, and was kidnapped and made the wife of a farmer.

 

Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: George on September 25, 2008, 09:17:20 AM
 ahahahahah ahahahahah ahahahahah
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Schnerby on September 26, 2008, 08:11:41 PM
That would class as social commentary in my books. Very clever way of talking about issues that otherwise may not be covered.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: teleplayer on September 30, 2008, 03:18:10 AM
  Ponderisms

Can you cry under water?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. But it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

What disease did cured ham actually have?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both DOGS.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address let me in here in the first place?
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Day Dreamer on October 02, 2008, 03:10:36 AM
Why do we park in the driveway and drive on the parkway?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why can we drive on the driveway but we can't we park on a parkway?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do Frosted Flakes have frosting, but pitted prunes DON'T have pits?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do 'Please Stay Off Grass' signs are placed on grass, and how did they get there if you stayed off the grass?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How could we know if a word in the dictionary was spelled wrong?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why isn't there a mouse-flavored cat food?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why doesn't chocolate milk come from brown cows?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why is kidnapping a federal offense, while catnapping is merely an enjoyable pastime?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do we need letters to write a word and words to write a letter?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The two secrets to success: #1 don't reveal everything you know.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I like children, but I don't think I could eat a whole one.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The most important thing to learn in chemistry is never to lick the spoon.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Corduroy pillows - they're making headlines!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

my two cents worth
Title: Japanese aftermath to the financial situation
Post by: Day Dreamer on October 03, 2008, 03:28:01 AM
I hope your money in Japan is safe  :wtf:


Following the problems in the financial sector in the US and UK, uncertainty has now hit Japan.

In the last 7 days Origami Bank has folded.

Sumo Bank has gone belly up.

Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut some of its branches.

Yesterday, it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song.

While today shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they dived-bombed.

Meanwhile Samurai Bank is soldiering on following sharp cutbacks.

Ninja Bank is reported to have taken a hit, but they remain in the black.

Furthermore, 500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop.

Analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank where it is feared that staff may get a raw deal.   ananananan



.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: DaDan on October 03, 2008, 08:17:55 AM
With all the turmoil in the market today and the collapse of Lehman Bros and Acquisition of Merrill Lynch by Bank of America this might be some good advice. For all of you with any money left, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks.

Watch for these consolidations in later this year:

1.) Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W R. Grace
Co. Will merge and become:
Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.

2.) Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and
become:
Poly, Warner Cracker.

3.) 3M will merge with Goodyear and become:
MMMGood.

4.) Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will mergeand become:
ZipAudiDoDa .

5.) FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become:
FedUP.

6.) Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become:
Fairwell Honeychild.

7.) Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become:
PouponPants.

8.) Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become:
Knott NOW!

And finally...

9.) Victoria 's Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the new name:
TittyTittyBangBang
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: becster79 on October 06, 2008, 01:57:50 AM
Sorry about the layout, it's done the rounds!

David bought a donkey from a farmer for $100.00.
>
>
> The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.
>
>
> The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I
> have some bad news, the donkey died.'
>
>
> David replied, 'Well, then,just give me my money
> back.'
>
>
> The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I went and spent
> it already.'
>
>
> David said, 'Ok, then, just bring me the dead
> donkey.'
>
>
> The farmer asked, 'What ya gonna do with him?
>
>
> David said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'
>
>
> The farmer said, 'You can't raffle off a dead
> donkey!'
>
>
> David said, 'Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't
> tell anybody he's dead.'
>
>
> A month later, the farmer met up with David and asked,
> 'What happened with that dead donkey?'
>
>
> David said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at
> two dollars a piece and made a profit of $898.00.'
>
>
> The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'
>
>
> David said, 'Just the guy who won, so I gave him his
> two dollars back.'
>
>
> David now works for the government.


 ahahahahah ahahahahah ahahahahah ahahahahah ahahahahah
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Day Dreamer on October 08, 2008, 05:51:01 PM
Scientists have just recently discovered a new type of dinosaur, it was quite gay.

They named it


Mega-saur-ass
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Day Dreamer on October 08, 2008, 06:08:28 PM
If you get an e-mail with "Nude Photos of Sarah Palin" in the subject line, do not open it. It might contain a virus.

If you get an e-mail with "Nude Photos of Hillary Clinton," do not open it.

It might contain nude photos of Hillary Clinton.   aaaaaaaaaa
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Ruth on October 12, 2008, 03:54:33 PM
Politically Correct Joke

Perfect timing for this!!!!!  This is a nonpartisan joke that can be enjoyed by both parties.  Not only that, it is so timely!

While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter. 'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you'

'No problem, just let me in,' says the senator.

'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.'

'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the senator.

'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.' And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises . 

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.  'Now it's time to visit heaven.' So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.'

The senator reflects for a minute, then answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.'   So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.  Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above... The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.

'I don't understand,' stammers the senator. 'Yesterday I was here, and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look       miserable. What happened?'

The devil looks at him, smiles and says.......

'Yesterday we were campaigning.  Today you voted.'
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: DaDan on October 15, 2008, 07:43:54 AM
Two guys from Daniels County are sitting quietly in a boat at Fort Peck, Montana, fishing and drinking beer.

Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Mel says, "I think I'm going to divorce my wife - she hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months."

Earl continues slowly sipping his beer, then thoughtfully says, "You better think it over - women like that are hard to find."

Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: decurso on November 02, 2008, 08:34:47 PM
Not really a joke, just a funny story, which is close enough.

 Halloween night I was with some friends enjoying pizza and beer, and being very sophisticated individuals, we were sharing  bqbqbqbqbq stories. I have some good ones, but I couldn't top this.

 One gal proceeded to tell me she had a friend who met this guy at a bar and went home with him. Nothing unusual, so far. Boy meets girl, ect. She actually really liked him and was hoping it was not just a one night stand. Indeed, the feeling seemed to be mutual, for the next morning he headed off to work and told her she could stay as long as she liked. How sweet.

 An interesting piece of information I gathered over the course of this story is that apparently women don't like to poop in guys toilets. Not sure why, but I have it on good authority that this is the case. But some times, there is just no other choice. This was one such time.

 Unfortunately for her, the toilet wouldn't flush. She tried and tried, but nothing happened. Mortified at the thought of leaving a toilet full of goodies for her beau to be to come home to, she came up with a creative solution. She actually grabbed a plastic bag and scooped her excrement out of the bowl and bagged it with the intention of taking it with her.  aoaoaoaoao

 And so she headed off. But about half a block from the apartment she realized she had left the bag of shit on the kitchen table. bibibibibi No key to get back in. Needless to say, she never heard from him again.  ahahahahah ahahahahah ahahahahah
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: cheekygal on November 03, 2008, 01:27:55 AM
 ahahahahah ahahahahah ahahahahah MY GOD THIS IS HILARIOUS!
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: latefordinner on November 03, 2008, 01:48:36 AM
I've had girlfriends like that.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: adamsmith on November 04, 2008, 06:02:43 PM
and the moral of that story is 'don't dump your dump on the table or you will be dumped" bfbfbfbfbf bqbqbqbqbq
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Wags on November 07, 2008, 04:54:03 PM
A Great Aussie Love Story equal to Romeo and Juliet. bfbfbfbfbf

Gazza is driving over the WestGateBridge one day when he sees his girlfriend Shazza about to throw herself off.

Gazza slams on the brakes and yells:  'Shazza what the hell d'ya think ya doin'?'

Shazza turns around with a tear in her eye and says: 'G'day Gazza. You got me preggas, so now I'm gonna kill meself'.

Gazza gets a lump in his throat when he hears this.

'Jeez Shazza', he says 'Fair dinkum not only are ya a top root but you're a real sport too'  And drives off.

 uuuuuuuuuu
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: George on November 07, 2008, 04:56:35 PM
 ahahahahah ahahahahah ahahahahah
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: teleplayer on November 08, 2008, 12:47:12 PM
I kid you not... New Wine for Seniors



California vintners in the Napa Valley area, which primarily produce Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic.
It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the bathroom during the night.



The new wine will be marketed as





PINO MORE



I HEARD IT THROUGH THE GRAPEVINE

I just could not help it.
That's funny , I don't care who ya are.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: latefordinner on November 09, 2008, 01:53:52 AM
<groan> It's enough to make me change my name to Ken I Getsum.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: becster79 on November 11, 2008, 03:13:18 AM
This is TOO funny ahahahahah

Analogies and metaphors found in high school essays:

His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like
underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

She grew on him like E. coli and he was room temperature Canadian beef.

She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh like that sound a dog makes just
before he throws up.

Her vocabulary was as bad, as, like, whatever.

He was a tall as a six foot three inch tree.

The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of
his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly
surcharge free ATM.

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie surreal
quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on
at 7 PM instead of 7:30.

Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.

The hailstones leaped up off the pavement, just like maggots when you fry
them in hot grease.

Long separated by cruel fate, the star crossed lovers raced across a grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 P.M.traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 P.M. at a speed of 35 mph.

They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resemble Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River.

Even in his last years, grand pappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan
just might work.

Young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

"Oh, Jason, take me!" she panted, her breasts heaving like a college freshman on $1-a-beer night.

He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or
something.

The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids with power tools.

He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

She was as easy as the TV guide crossword.

Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH cleanser.

She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.

Her voice had that tense grating quality, like a generation thermal paper fax machine that needed a band tightening.

It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.

Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two other sides
gently compressed by a thigh master.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: DaDan on November 11, 2008, 03:27:03 AM
those be CooL!
 bfbfbfbfbf
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: teleplayer on November 13, 2008, 05:32:33 AM
Always check your children's homework.




I wonder if you had the same first thought as I.



(http://i125.photobucket.com/albums/p80/tele-tink/Personal%20photos%20of%20Teleplayer/WhenIGrowUp.jpg)








Mommy works at Home Depot. She was selling a shovel.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: George on November 15, 2008, 09:11:15 AM
A DIRECT ancestor of Monty Python's renowned "Dead Parrot" sketch has been found in a book of jokes dating back to Greece in the fourth century AD.

A new English translation of Philogelos: The Laugh Addict contains a joke in which a man complains that a slave he has just bought has died.

"By the gods," answers the slave's seller, "when he was with me, he never did any such thing."


http://www.theage.com.au/world/the-unoriginal-dead-parrot-20081114-67ap.html (http://www.theage.com.au/world/the-unoriginal-dead-parrot-20081114-67ap.html)
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Granny Mae on November 16, 2008, 05:44:31 PM
Wife walks into the kitchen to find her husband standing in the corner with a fly swatter,so she asks him what he is doing. bibibibibi He tells her that he is swatting flies. "Have you killed any?" she asks. "yes," he says, "three males and two females." Intrigued,she asks."How can you tell them apart?"
He responds: "Three were on a beer can and two were on the phone." bfbfbfbfbf
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Granny Mae on November 19, 2008, 12:24:43 PM
 
 2008's�First Christmas�Joke��


Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said,'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates'Saint Peter said
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked,'And just what do those symbolize?'


The man replied,'These are Carols.'

And So The Christmas Season
Begins......
 

Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: decurso on November 29, 2008, 10:36:42 PM
 A true story as related to me via an e-mail from a friend in England.

The following is a story as relayed to me by one of my mates. John Doogan (Doogie).


Doogie's dad was dog sitting for a family while they were away for a few days. He slept over and dutifully fed and walked the dog. Sadly however it passed away. Presumably it was a heart attack or some such as he just found it dead one morning. Doogie's dad not wanting to spoil the family's holiday by calling them up "I'm sorry your dogs just died" found himself in a bit of a dilemma. The family weren't due back for another couple of days so what was he to do with a dead dog? He thought about burying it but then reconsidered. What if he buried it in the wrong place? What if they wanted it cremating? Eventually he decided to have it cremated. That way he could hand them the ashes, much better than having them actually see their beloved pet dead. So he takes it to the pet cremation center. He puts the dog - and this thing was medium sized dog by the way roughly the size of a Labrador - into a suitcase and takes it on the train. It comes to his stop. Doogie's dad is getting on a bit now so he struggles - obviously - with the huge suitcase as he tries to lug it off the train. A young man asks him. "Can I help with that?" Doogie's dad agrees. The young man feels the weight of it and asks "Bloody hell that's heavy what have you got in there?" Not wanting to sound like a psycho and tell they guy he's got a dead dog in there he tells the young man "Oh just some CD's. I'm taking them to the charity shop."

The young man ran off with the suitcase.

The family have now placed an advert in the local newspapers asking if anyone has found a dead dog matching the description of their pet either in or out of a suitcase.

 
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Granny Mae on November 30, 2008, 08:30:51 PM
I thought you would say that he put it in the freezer. My son was minding my old cat for a few weeks and she died unexpectedly. He popped her in the freezer because he didn't want to come over to my place at the time to bury her. Son didn't tell me; neighbour let it slip. I suppose I can be thankful that she didn't fall out of the back of his truck on her journey back home. bibibibibi.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Lotus Eater on December 03, 2008, 04:11:12 AM
If you don't have the creativity of ETR you can use some of these insults!

I’d love a battle of wits with you but you’re unarmed

I don’t know what your problem is but I bet it’s hard to pronounce

I see you set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public

It sounds like English but I can’t understand a word you are saying

I will always cherish the initial misconception I had about you

I’m trying to imagine you with a personality

If I throw a stick will you leave?

Is that your final answer, or are you still hoping a brain will grow at the end of your spinal cord?

Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: George on December 05, 2008, 09:28:20 AM
1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
3. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blown apart.
9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
12. Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.
13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, "You stay here, I'll go on a head."
14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab centre said: "Keep off the Grass."
16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, "No change yet."
17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
18. It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.
19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
20. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
21. A backward poet writes inverse.
22. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.
23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
24. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Day Dreamer on December 11, 2008, 03:49:49 AM
1. When I was born, I was given a choice - A big dick or a good memory... I don't remember, what I chose.

2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.

4. Impotence: Nature's way of saying 'No hard feelings...'

5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together.

6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.

7. There are three stages of sex in a man's life: Tri Weekly, Try Weekly, and Try Weakly.

8. Virginity can be cured.

9. Virginity is not dignity, its lack of opportunity.

10. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialer were too small.

12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.

13. Q: What's an Australian kiss? A: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.

14. deleted - too dirty

15. Q: What are the three biggest tragedies in a mans life? A: Life sucks, job sucks, and the wife doesn't.

16. Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? A: Breasts don't have eyes.

17. Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed', many men still sleep with their wives!
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Day Dreamer on December 11, 2008, 03:54:18 AM
A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall.

He approached a uniformed policeman and said, 'I've lost my grandpa!'

The cop asked, 'What's he like?'

The little boy hesitated for a moment and then replied, 'Crown Royal whiskey and women with big tits .'
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Day Dreamer on December 11, 2008, 04:03:26 AM
On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed. This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the larger depositors in the bank.

She explained that for the more than three decades she had 'charged' him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments. Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 Million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, 'If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!'

That's when she shot him.

You know, sometimes, men just don't know when to keep their mouths shut!


 bibibibibi
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: DaDan on December 12, 2008, 10:25:18 PM
If your kid(s) has been bad the past year, take a plastic baggie and fill it with marshmellows, and include the following note from Santa in the baggie:


Dear Johnny,

You've been bad so here's the scoop:
All you're getting is snowman poop!

Sincerely,
Santa
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: George on December 20, 2008, 01:50:27 AM
A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated
conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."

"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't speak aloud in pubic places about our sex lives.........

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my
frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."

Cut and Paste, of course!! I don't make spelling mistakes!
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: George on December 20, 2008, 01:58:46 AM
Greek vs. Irishman ..

A Greek and an Irishman were sitting in a Starbuck's cafe one day discussing who had the superior culture.

Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, 'Well, we Greeks built the Parthenon,' arching his eyebrows.

The Irishman then replies, 'Well... it was the Irish that discovered the Summer and Winter Solstices.'

The Greek retorts, 'We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics.'

The Irishman, nodding in agreement, says, 'Irish were the ones who built the first timepieces and calendars.'

And so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he says, 'The Greeks were the ones who invented sex!'

The Irishman replies, 'Indeed, that is true, but it was we Irish who introduced it to women.'
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Bugalugs on December 20, 2008, 03:17:06 AM
A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down.

An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride
to a nearby town.

She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was
uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a
Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a' so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills.

When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station,
yelled one final 'Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!' and rode off.

'What did you do to get that Indian so excited?' asked the
service-station attendant. 'Nothing,' the woman answered.

'I merely sat behind hi m on the horse, put my arms around his waist,
and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off.'

'Lady,' the attendant said, 'Indians don't use saddles'
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Day Dreamer on December 20, 2008, 03:49:32 AM
 bkbkbkbkbk
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: George on December 20, 2008, 02:52:15 PM
Oldie, but a goodie!
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Granny Mae on December 21, 2008, 06:41:15 PM
A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY
  handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.
 
  She asks him why he is staring. He replies: 'I have a question to
ask, but I don't want to offend you.'
 
 She answers, 'My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I
am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear
just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or
ask that I would find offensive.'
 'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.'
  She responds, 'Well, let's see what we can do about that:
  #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic.'

 The cab driver is very excited and says, 'Yes, I'm single and
Catholic!'
 'OK' the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.'
 
  The nun fulfils his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.
  But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
 
 'My dear child,' said the nun, 'Why are you crying?'
 'Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess; I'm married
and I'm Jewish.'
  The nun says, 'That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a fancy
dress party.'
 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Bugalugs on December 24, 2008, 07:23:48 AM
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Meadow, Col.
December 14

Dearest John:
I went to the door today and the postman delivered a Partridge in a Pear Tree. What a thoroughly delightful gift! I couldn't have been more surprised.

With deepest love and devotion,

Agnes

Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Meadow, Col.
December 15

Dearest John:
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine - Two Turtle Doves! I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable.

All my love,

Agnes

Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Meadow, Col.
December 16

Dearest John:

Oh, aren't you the extravagant one! Now I really must protest. I don't deserve such generosity - Three French Hens! They are just delightful, but I must insist, you've been too kind.

Love,

Agnes

Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Meadow, Col.
December 17

Dearest John:
Today the postman delivered Four Calling Birds. Now really, you're being too romantic. They are beautiful, but don't you think that enough is enough?

Affectionately,

Agnes
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Meadow, Col.
December 18

Dearest John:
What a surprise! Today the postman delivered Five Golden Rings - one for each finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves.

Love,

Agnes
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Meadow, Col.
December 19

Dear John:

When I opened the door, there were actually Six Geese-A-Laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are huge. Where will I keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket. Please stop.

Cordially,

Agnes

Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Meadow, Col.
December 20

John:

What's with you and those birds? Seven Swans-A-Swimming! What kind of a joke is this? There's bird crap all over the house and they never stop with the racket. I can't sleep at night and I'm a nervous wreck - it's not funny. So stop with those damn birds!

Sincerely,

Agnes
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Meadow, Col.
December 21

OK Buster!
I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with 8 Maids a Milking? It's not enough with all these birds and maids a milking, but they had to bring their damn cows! There's crap all over the lawn and I can't move in my own house.

Just lay off me, smartass!

Agnes

Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Meadow, Col.
December 22

Hey Shithead:
What are you, some kind of sadist? Now there are nine Pipers Piping! And Christ do they play! They haven't stopped chasing those maids since they got here. The cows are getting upset and they're stepping all over those screeching birds. What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me!

You'll get yours!

Agnes

Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Meadow, Col.
December 23

You Rotten Prick!
Now there's Ten Ladies Dancing. I don't know why I call those sluts ladies. They've been balling those pipers all night long. The cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea. My living room is a river of crap. The commissioner of buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building shouldn't be condemned.

I'm siccing the police on you.

One who means it!!

Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Meadow, Col.
December 24

ListenJerk:
What's with the Eleven Lords a Leaping on those Maids and Ladies? Some of those broads will never walk again. All 23 birds are dead, they've been trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you're satisfied, you vicious, rotten swine.

Your sworn enemy,

Agnes
Law Offices
Badger, Bender & Cajole
303 Knave Street
Chicago, Ill.
December 25

Dear Sir:
This is to acknowledge receipt of your latest gift of the Twelve Drummers Drumming, which you have seen fit to inflict upon our client, Miss Agnes McHolstein. The destruction, of course, was total. All future cor-respondence should be sent to our attention. If you should attempt to contact Miss McHolstein at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot on sight! With this letter you will find attached a warrant for your arrest.

Cordially,

Badger, Bender & Cajole
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: DaDan on January 03, 2009, 02:23:04 AM

Pick up lines that may get you killed:


If you and I were squirrels, could I bust a nut
in your hole?

I'd like to wrap your legs around my head and
wear you like a feed bag.

If it's true that we are what we eat, I could be
you by morning!

How do you like your eggs: poached, scrambled,
or fertilized?

I was about to go masturbate and I needed a name
to go with your face.

You are so fine that I'd eat your shit just to
see where it came from.

My love for you is like diarrhea, I just can't
hold it in.

Roses are red. Violets are blue. I like
spaghetti. Let's go ****.

Is that a keg in your pants? 'Cause I would love
to tap that ass!

If your right leg was Thanksgiving, and your
left leg was Christmas, could I meet you between
the holidays?

You remind me of a championship bass, I don't
know whether to mount you or eat you!

Your parents must be retarded, because you are
special

Could I touch your belly button . . . from the
inside?

I'm not too good at algebra, but doesn't U+I =
69?

How about we play lion and lion tamer? You hold
your mouth open, and I'll give you the meat.

Guy: "Would you like to dance?"
Girl: "I don't care for this song and surely
wouldn't dance with you."
Guy: "I'm sorry, you must have misunderstood me,
I said you look fat in those pants"

I'm new in town, could I have directions to your
house.

**** me if I'm wrong, but is your name Yolanda?

I love every bone in your body - especially
mine.

You might not be the best looking girl here, but
beauty is only a light switch away.

Hey baby, what's your sign? Caution, slippery
when wet, dangerous curves ahead, yield?

I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him?
I think he went into this motel room.

Wanna play Pearl Harbor?....Its a game where I
lay back while you blow the hell out of me.

Your body's name must be Visa, because it's
everywhere I want to be.

Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the
money?

I may not be the best looking guy here, but I'm
the only one talking to you.

That shirt looks very becoming on you, but if I
were on you, I'd be coming too.

I'd like to screw your brains out, but it
appears that someone beat me to it.

guy: wanna go out for pizza and a bj
girl: ewww no
guy: whats a matter dont like pizza?

hey babe lets do a 68 and ill owe u one

hun it might be this vodka talking but u wanna fool around

pass the breast im a meat and potatoes kinda guy

guy: are ya nervous
girl: yes it my first time
guy:(unwrapping a condom) this is my first condom too

go up to 2 girls in a club, go to the 'not so good looking' one and say;
'hey hun, you want to dance?'
(yes, sure)
'go for it then an let me chat to your friend'



Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: DaDan on January 03, 2009, 02:30:58 AM
Four men were sitting around a conference room table being interviewed for a job. The interviewer asked,"What is the fastest thing you know of?"

The first man replied,"A thought. It pops into your head, there’s no forewarning that it’s on the way; it’s just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of."

"That’s very good," replied the interviewer. "And now you, sir," he asked the second man.

"Hmmm, let me see..... a blink!," said the second man. "It comes and goes and you don’t know it ever happened. A blink is the fastest thing I know of."

"Excellent!", said the interviewer."The blink of an eye. That’s a very popular cliché for speed."

He then turned to the third man who was contemplating his reply. "Well, out on my dad’s ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there is a light switch. When you flip that switch, way across the pasture the light at the barn comes on in an instant. Turning on a light is the fastest thing I can think of."

The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. "It’s hard to beat the speed of light.", he said.

Turning to the fourth man he posed the same question.

"After hearing the three previous answers, it’s obvious to me the fastest thing known is diarrhea said the man.

"What!" said the interviewer, stunned by the response.

"Oh, I can explain," said the man , "You see, the other day I wasn’t feeling so well and ran for the bathroom. But, before I could think, blink, or turn on the light, I shit my pants."
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: DaDan on January 03, 2009, 02:38:29 AM
After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve.

'So, how is everything going?' inquired God.

'It is all so beautiful, God,' she replied. 'The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem. It's these
breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They're a real pain.'

And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc., she felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more 'symmetrically balanced'.

'That's a fair point,' replied God, 'But it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away.'

And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes.

Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden. 'Well, Eve, how is my favourite creation?'

Just fantastic,' she replied, 'But for one oversight. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone.'

God thought for a moment and said, 'You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you.... Let's see ... where did I put that useless t*t?'
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: latefordinner on January 09, 2009, 05:48:35 AM
I suspect you've heard this before, but since it's new to me I thought I'd pass it on.

Quote
I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE:

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.  Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'

I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...
'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfit s. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'

We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier.'

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'

I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either. But at least now we're on the same page
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: DaDan on January 11, 2009, 06:51:00 AM

What If Men Wrote Cosmopolitan...

Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.

A: This is perfectly natural behavior - and it should be encouraged.
The man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men.
Far from being pleasurable, a night out with the boys is a
stressful affair, and to get back to you is a relief for your partner. Just
look back at how emotional and happy the man is when he returns to his stable home.
Best thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a
nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behavior.

Q: My husband wants to experience three-in-a-bed-sex with me and
my sister.

A: Your husband is clearly devoted to you. He cannot get enough
of you,so he goes for the next best thing your sister. Far from being
an issue, this will bring all of the family together. Why not get some
cousins involved?
If you are still apprehensive, then let him go with your relatives,
buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and
don't mention this aspect of his behavior.

Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex with him.

A: Do it. Sperm is not only great tasting, but has only 10
calories a spoonful. It is nutritious and helps you to keep your figure and
gives a great glow to the skin. Interestingly, a man knows this. His
offer to you to perform oral sex with him is totally selfless. Oral sex is
extremely painful for a man. This shows he loves you. Best thing to
do is to thank him, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal.

Q: My husband doesn't know where my cli toris is.

A: Your cli toris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess
with it, do it in your own time. To help with the family budget you may
wish to video tape yourself while doing this, and to sell it at flea
markets.
To ease your selfish guilt, buy your man a nice expensive present, and
cook him a delicious meal.

Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.

A: Foreplay to a man is very hurtful. What it means is that you do
not love your man as much as you should - he has to work a lot to get
you in the mood. Abandon all wishes in this area, and make it up to him
by buying a nice expensive present, and cooking a nice meal.

Q: My husband has never given me an orgasm.

A: The female orgasm is a myth. It is fostered by militant,
man-hating feminists and is a danger to the family unit. Don't mention
it again to him and show your love to him by buying a nice expensive present
and don't forget to cook him a delicious meal.

Q: How do I know if I'm ready for sex?

A: Ask your boyfriend. He'll know when the time is right. When it
comes to love and sex, men are much more responsible, since they're
not confused emotionally as women. It's a proven fact.

Q: Should I have sex on the first date?

A: YES. Before if possible.

Q: What exactly happens during the act of sex?

A: Again, this is entirely up to the man. The important thing to
remember is that you must do whatever he tells you without question.
Sometimes, however, he may ask you to do certain things that
may at first seem strange to you. Do them anyway.

Q: How long should the sex act last?

A: There is no average time, but anything over two minutes is
good. Anything under that and you may be rushing your man. After your
man has finished making love, he'll have a natural desire to leave you
suddenly, and go out with his friends to play golf. Or perhaps
another activity, such as going out with his friends to the bar for the
purpose of consuming large amounts of alcohol and sharing a few personal
thoughts with his buddies. Don't feel left out-while he's gone you can busy
yourself by doing his laundry, cleaning his apartment, or perhaps even
going out to buy him an expensive gift. He'll come back when he's ready.

Q: What is "afterplay?"

A: After a man has finished making love, he needs to replenish
his manly energy. "Afterplay" is simply a list of important activities
for you to do after the lovemaking. This includes lighting his cigarette,
making him a sandwich or pizza, bringing him a few beers, or leaving him
alone to sleep while you go out and buy him an expensive gift.

Q: Does the size of the penis matter?

A: Yes. Although many women believe that quality, not quantity,
is important, studies show this is simply not true. The average erect
male penis measures about 3 inches. Anything longer than that is
extremely rare and, if by some chance your lover's sexual organ is 4 inches
or over, you should go down on your knees and thank you lucky stars and
do everything possible to please him, such as doing his laundry,
cleaning his apartment and buying him an expensive gift - and don't forget to
cook him an absolutely fabulous meal.

Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Lotus Eater on January 12, 2009, 09:21:46 PM
Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.

One evening at an investment seminar, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.
Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die and I'll inherit $200 million."
Impressed, the woman obtained his business card .... and three days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at financial planning than men.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: dragonsaver on January 18, 2009, 12:29:35 AM
For the boss  akakakakak ahahahahah ahahahahah


WAL-MART GREETER
 

So, after landing my new job as a  Wal-Mart greeter, a good find for
many retirees, I lasted less than a  day......

About two hours into my first day on the  job a very loud,
unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store  with her two
kids,  yelling obscenities at them all the way through  the entrance.
As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly, 'Good  morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart.
Nice children you have there. Are they  twins?'

The ugly woman stopped yelling long  enough to say, 'Hell no, they
ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other  one's 7. Why the
hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or  just stupid?'

So I replied, 'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am, I just couldn't
believe you got laid twice. Have a good  day and thank you for
shopping at Wal-Mart.'

My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut  out for this line of work.
 ahahahahah agagagagag agagagagag

Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: teleplayer on January 24, 2009, 11:56:58 AM
According to

Making Light
Incorporating Electrolite
Language, fraud, folly, truth, knitting, and growing luminous by eating light
.

"The true history of the Bush years"

"....
"Now, in this moment before a changing world overwrites our memories of the era, let us pause to salute our constant companion of those years: The Onion. Other histories of the Bush years will doubtless be more factual, but none will ever be truer."

http://nielsenhayden.com/makinglight/archives/010952.html (http://nielsenhayden.com/makinglight/archives/010952.html)
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Con ate dog on January 24, 2009, 02:55:08 PM
On the first day, God created the dog and said:

'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'

The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?'

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said:

'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.'

The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said:

'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.'

The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said:

'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.'

But man said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten
the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'

'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Bugalugs on January 26, 2009, 11:26:36 PM
NEW YORK -- A public school teacher was arrested today at
John F. Kennedy International Airport as he attempted to board
a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square,
a slide rule and a calculator.

At a morning press conference, Attorney General Alberto
Gonzales said he believes the man is a member of the
notorious Al-gebra movement. He did not  identify the man,
who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons
of math instruction.

"Al-gebra is a problem for us," Gonzales said. "They desire
solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on
tangents in search of absolute values.

"They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to
themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined they
belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval
with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer
Isosceles used to say, 'There are 3 sides to every triangle'."

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said,
"If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes."
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: George on January 27, 2009, 12:09:21 AM
 bibibibibi ahahahahah ahahahahah ahahahahah
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: teleplayer on February 04, 2009, 04:06:16 AM
Okay all you Saloon sinners, listen up!


Through the eyes of a child:

The Children's Bible in a Nutshell:

In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, 'The Lord thy God is one, but I think He must be a lot older than that. Anyway, God said, 'Give me a light!' and someone did.  Then God made the world.

He split the Adam and made Eve.  Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet. Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden. Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn't have cars.

Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel.

Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.

One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.

After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob.  Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast.  Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.

Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston.  Moses led the Israel Lights out of  Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people.  These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable. 

God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments. These include: don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor's stuff.

Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother.

One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies.  Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town.

After Joshua, came David  He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot.  He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines.  My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very wise to me.

After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore.  There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don't have to worry about them.

After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of The New.  He was born n  Bethlehem  in a barn.  (I wish I had been born in a barn too, because my mom is always saying to me, 'Close the door! Were you born in a barn?' It would be nice to say, 'As a matter of fact, I was.')

During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Democrats.

Jesus also had twelve opossums. The worst one was Judas Asparagus.  Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him. Jesus was a great man.  He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount.  But the Democrats and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot.  Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus.  He just washed his hands instead.

Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again. He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum.  His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.
 

 

 
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: ericthered on February 04, 2009, 05:01:09 AM
Judas Asparagus...oh my aching sides ahahahahah ahahahahah ahahahahah
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Stil on February 04, 2009, 05:53:18 AM
Quote
Joshua fought the battle of Geritol

Hey George, Did you take any pictures of the battle?

You could make a mug.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: George on February 04, 2009, 11:02:05 AM
Quote
You could make a mug.
Yeah, then I would make a Major Prophet! ahahahahah ahahahahah
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: AMonk on February 04, 2009, 12:34:17 PM
Oh....those PUNS aoaoaoaoao axaxaxaxax
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: MissMotz on February 04, 2009, 12:44:06 PM
I was on prac (I'm a student teacher...that makes me sound so like young! :-) ) and one of the young girls in my class told me this joke. And I have to admit it had me giggling for AGES

Q. Why is the sand always wet?
A. Becuase the sea weed on it :-)

My fav type of joke are the very simple kiddie jokes :-)
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: DaDan on February 05, 2009, 02:18:32 PM
Ben & Jerry have asked for suggestions from the public for flavors to commemorate Bush. Here are some of their favorite responses:

- Grape Depression
- The Housing Crunch
- Abu Grape
- Cluster Fudge
- Nut'n Accomplished
- Good Riddance You Lousy ************... Swirl
- Iraqi Road
- Chock 'n Awe
- WireTapioca
- Impeach Cobbler
- Guantanamallow
- imPeachmint
- Heck of a Job, Brownie!
- NeoconaPolitan
- RockyRoad to Fascism
- The Reese's-cession
- Cookie D'oh!
- Nougalar Proliferation
- Death by Chocolate... and Torture
- Freedom Vanilla Ice Cream
- Chocolate Chip On My Shoulder
- Credit Crunch
- Mission Pecanplished
- Country Pumpkin
- WMDeelicious
- Bloody Sundae
- Caramel Preemptive Stripe
- I broke the law and am responsible for the deaths of thousands . . . with nuts
 
bibibibibi

Ben and Jerry's is coming out with an unbelievable new ice cream in honor of the man just sworn in as our 44th President.

It is being churned in Washington DC and appropriately being named:
Baracky Road ----half chocolate and half vanilla surrounded by fruits and nuts....

Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: DaDan on February 05, 2009, 02:56:10 PM
Why won’t cannibals eat divorced women?
They’re very bitter.
*
Why do cannibals prefer eating readers to writers?
Because writers cramp but readers digest.
*
What did the cannibal do after he had dumped his girlfriend?
Wiped his ass.
*
Did you hear about the cannibal who passed his uncle in the woods?
*
Two cannibals just finished a big meal and one turns to the other while rubbing his stomach with his fist and say, “You know, I just ate my mother-in-law, and she still doesn’t agree with me!”
*
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other, “Does this taste funny to you?”
*
When do cannibals leave the table?
When everyone’s eaten.
*
The first cannibal asked the 2nd cannibal, “Aren’t you done eating yet?” The 2nd cannibal replied, “I’m on my last leg now.”
*
Did you hear about the cannibal who loved fast food?
He ordered a pizza with everybody on it.
*
One cannibal to another: I never met a man I didn’t like!
*
What is a cannibal’s favorite type of TV show?
A celebrity roast.
*
Have you heard about the cannibal restaurant?
Dinner costs an arm and a leg.
*
Where do cannibals shop for fine furniture?
Eatin’ Allen’s.
*
What do cannibals eat for dessert?
Chocolate covered aunts.
*
What is a cannibal’s favorite game?
Swallow the leader.
*
What do cannibals make out of politicians?
Bologna sandwiches.
*
What did the cannibal get when he was late for dinner?
The cold shoulder.
*
A man gets captured by cannibals and every day they poke him with spears and use his blood to wash down their food. Finally the guy calls the chief over and says, “You can kill me or you can eat me, but I’m tired of getting stuck for drinks.”
*
Did you hear about the cannibal who was expelled from school for buttering up his teacher?
*
Two cannibals were sitting by a fire. The first says, “Gee, I hate my mother-in-law.” The 2nd replies, “So, try the potatoes.
*
Cannibal’s recipe book: How to Serve Your Fellow Man.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: DaDan on February 05, 2009, 03:21:55 PM
A lame dog limps into a saloon.
He says, "Ahm looking fer the man that shot my paw!"
*
Two fish in a tank and one says to the other "Do you know how to drive this thing?"
*
what did the zero say to the eight?
`Nice belt
*
2 birds sat on a perch. one turns to the other and asks "can you smell fish....?"
*
There are two snowmen in a field.
One says to the other "can you smell carrots?"
*
A guy walks into a bar with jumper cables on his head...
the bartender looks at him and says " Don't even think of starting anything in here!"
*
What do you call a cow with seizures????
Beef Jerky...
*
Daddy tomato, mommy tomato and baby tomato was walking down the side walk. Soon baby tomato started falling behind. Daddy tomato goes back, steps on him and says catch up.
*
how do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
put it int microwave until it,s bill withers
*
A man is sitting next to a woman on a plane. Turns out she's a drop-dead-gorgeous blonde! When they reached 27,000 ft. the plane leveled out and woman sneezed.
This would have been perfectly normal but for the fact that after she sneezed she shuddered violently. About five minutes later she sneezed and once again shuddered violently. Five minutes later she sneezed and shuddered yet again.
Finally the man had, had all he could take and his curiosity got the better of him.
"Are you O.K." He asked
"Yes," said the woman "I'm fine, why?"
"It's just that three times you've sneezed and three times you've shuddered violently almost immediatly afterwards."
"Oh, I'm sorry," said the woman "It's just that I've got this rare condition, every time I sneeze I orgasm"
"Oh really," said the man and being a keen follower of medical science asked "What are you taking for it."
"Pepper," answered the woman.
*
Did you hear about the blond buying a topless, bottomless bathing suit and then later finding out it was a belt?
*
What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?
Where's my tractor
*
Once upon a time, two little boys, James and David, were sharing a room in the hospital. As they were getting to know each other a little bit, James eventually asked David, "Hey, what're you in for?"

"I'm getting my tonsils out. I'm a little worried," said David.

"Oh, don't worry about it," James said. "I had my tonsils out and it was a blast! I got to eat all the ice cream and Jell-O I wanted for two weeks!"

"Oh yeah?'' replied David. "That's not half-bad. So, James, how about you? What're you here for?"

"I'm getting a circumcision, whatever that is," James answered.

"Oh my god, circumcision? I got one of those when I was a baby and I couldn't walk for two years!"
*
Do you know how to hunt polar bears?

Well, you cut a hole in the ican and put a ring of peas around it.

Then, when a polar bear comes up to take a pea ...
you kick him in the icehole.








Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: synthette58 on February 05, 2009, 04:07:59 PM
Okay all you Saloon sinners, listen up!


Through the eyes of a child:

The Children's Bible in a Nutshell:

Jesus also had twelve opossums.



For the LAST TIME!@$^$%^%^#

They Were MONGOOSES!
 llllllllll llllllllll llllllllll
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Stil on February 05, 2009, 05:43:56 PM
Mongeese?
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: synthette58 on February 06, 2009, 01:08:32 PM
it is Mongooses.....I Wiki'd it....

(yet another English rule that doesn't work! We're teaching this?)
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Escaped Lunatic on February 06, 2009, 02:32:35 PM
it is Mongooses.....I Wiki'd it....

(yet another English rule that doesn't work! We're teaching this?)

English rules are like lane markers on a Chinese road.  Helpful guidelines that may be observed or ignored at one's convenience.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: DaDan on February 16, 2009, 09:18:14 AM
Little Johnny hears loud voices down the hall from his room...
He quietly heads down the hall towards his parents room...
His parent's bedroom door is slightly cracked open...
Johnny realizes, that's where the noise is coming from...
Johnny peaks through the open door...
To his surprise, he sees his dad doing his mom from behind as she leans on the dresser!
Johnny's dad looks towards the door and winks at Johnny...
Johnny ducks out of there and heads back to his room...
When his parents finish up, Johnny's dad heads down the hall to chat with him...
As Johnny's dad approaches his room he hears a loud voices...
Johnny's dad open the door and can't believe what he sees!!!
Johnny's dad sees Johnny doing grandma from behind as she leans on the dresser...
Johnny's dad yells,
"Johnny, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING!!!!"
 aoaoaoaoao

Little Johnny says, with a grin,
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
"it's not so funny when it's YOUR mom, is it??!!??"
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: DaDan on February 16, 2009, 09:25:03 AM
Maria had just married, and being a traditional Italian she was still a virgin. On her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was very nervous.



Her mother reassured her;



'Don't worry, Maria, Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care of you.



Meanwhile, I'll be making pasta.'



So, up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, 'Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest.'



'Don't worry, Maria,' says the mother, 'all good men have hairy chests.

Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you.'



So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother. 'Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he's got hairy legs!'



'Don't worry! All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man Go upstairs and he'll take good care of you.'



So, up she went again. When she got there, Tony took off his socks and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs. 'Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!'



Her Mama said,
'Stay here and stir the pasta.'
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: DaDan on February 25, 2009, 12:58:52 AM
  ahahahahah
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TT4XO3Hjp7M (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TT4XO3Hjp7M)
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: dragonsaver on February 25, 2009, 01:14:22 AM
Golly, I sure hope he doesn't apply for a job in China  ahahahahah ahahahahah ahahahahah
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: synthette58 on February 25, 2009, 02:49:25 AM
Possibly a true story......(as it was related to me)

My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.

As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that 'Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super..'

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. 'Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us to the ground.'

She calmly turned her head and said, 'In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one.'

To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat,'Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you.
‘Tray-up, Bitch.'
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: George on February 25, 2009, 02:54:40 AM
That one has been around for a while, Synth.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: synthette58 on February 25, 2009, 03:02:07 AM
yeah, an oldie but goodie - like moi!  bhbhbhbhbh
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: George on March 01, 2009, 02:09:20 AM
Puns for Intellectuals

1. Two vultures boarded a plane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess stops them and says "sorry sir, only one carrion per passenger."

2. NASA recently sent a number of Holsteins into orbit for experimental purposes. They called it the herd shot round the world.

3. Two boll weevils grew up in N Carolina. One took off to Hollywood and became a rich star. The other stayed in Carolina and never amounted to much-and naturally became known as the lesser of two weevils.

4. Two Eskimos in a kayak were chilly, so they started a fire, which sank the craft, proving the old adage you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

5. A three-legged dog walks into an old west saloon, slides up to the bar and announces "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

6. Did you hear about the Buddhist who went to the dentist, and refused to take Novocain? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

7. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and met in the lobby where they were discussing their recent victories in chess tournaments. The hotel manager came out of the office after an hour, and asked them to disperse. He couldn't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

8. A women has twins, gives them up for adoption. One goes to an Egyptian family and is named "Ahmal" The other is sent to a Spanish family and is named "Juan". Years later, Juan sends his birth mother a picture of himself. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. He replies, "They're twins for Pete sake!! If you've seen Juan, you've see Ahmal!"

9. A group of friars opened a florist shop to help with their belfry payments. Everyone liked to buy flowers from the Men of God, so their business flourished. A rival florist became upset that his business was suffering because people felt compelled to buy from the Friars, so he asked the Friars to cut back hours or close down. The Friars refused. The florist went to them and begged that they shut down. Again they refused. So the florist then hired Hugh McTaggert, the biggest meanest thug in town. He went to the Friars' shop, beat them up, destroyed their flowers, trashed their shop, and said that if they didn't close, he'd be back. Well, totally terrified, the Friars closed up shop and hid in their rooms. This proved that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

10. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot his whole life, which created an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him frail, and with his odd diet, he suffered from very bad breath. This made him ... what? (This is so bad it's good...) a super-callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

11. And finally... There was a man who sent 10 puns to some friends in hopes at least one of the puns would make them laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did!
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: George on March 01, 2009, 02:12:16 AM
QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS:


Q: How do crazy people go through the forest?

A: They take the psycho path.



Q: What did the fish say when it hit a concrete wall?

A: "Dam!"



Q: What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?

A: Polaroid's.



Q: What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?

A: A stick.



Q: What do you call cheese that isn't yours?

A: Nacho Cheese.



Q: What do you call Santa's helpers?

A: Subordinate Clauses.



Q: What do you call four bullfighters in quicksand?

A: Quatro sinko.



Q: What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?

A: A nervous wreck.



Q: What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?

A: Anyone can roast beef.



Q: Where do you find a dog with no legs?

A: Right where you left him.



Q: Why do gorillas have big nostrils?

A: Because they have big fingers



Q: Why don't blind people like to sky dive?

A: Because it scares the hell out of the dog.



Q: What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic?

A: Sanka.



Q: What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?

A: The location of the dirt bag.



Q: Why does a pilgrim's pants always fall down?

A: Because they wear their belt buckle on their hat.



Q: What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?

A: A bad golfer goes, WHACK! "Damn." A bad skydiver goes, "Damn." WHACK!



Q: What do you call a man with a car on his head?

A: Jack.



Q. How do you catch a unique rabbit?

A: Unique up on it!



Q: How do you catch a tame rabbit?

A: Tame way, unique up on it!



Q: What do you call skydiving lawyers?

A: Skeet.



Q: How are a Texas tornado and a Tennessee divorce the same?

A: Somebody's gonna lose a trailer.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: George on March 01, 2009, 02:12:53 AM
Mother Superior calls all the nuns together and says to them, "I must tell you something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."

"Thank goodness," says an elderly nun at the back. "I am so tired of Chardonnay."
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: George on March 01, 2009, 02:14:38 AM
What is the difference between a hormone, and an enzyme?

You can't hear an enzyme.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: George on March 01, 2009, 02:14:57 AM
What is the difference between erotic and kinky?

Erotic is using a feather... kinky is using the whole chicken.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: George on March 01, 2009, 02:17:22 AM
Last one.......I promise!
(Q) What do you call a smart blonde female?

(A) A golden retriever
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Schnerby on March 01, 2009, 02:20:57 AM
Last one.......I promise!
(Q) What do you call a smart blonde female?

(A) A golden retriever

When people tell that one to me it's usually a labrador.

Blonde jokes...  kkkkkkkkkk
 bhbhbhbhbh
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: George on March 01, 2009, 02:24:13 AM
But I couldn't resist this one.
Raoul worked for a while at a Wal-Mart store, selling sporting goods. As an employee of Wal-Mart you are sometimes required to make store-wide pages, e.g.,"I have a customer in hardware who needs assistance at the paint counter."

One night a tentative Raoul voice came over the intercom system with the following message:

"I have a customer by the balls in toys who needs assistance."
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: AMonk on March 01, 2009, 02:44:12 AM
QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS:

Q. How do you catch a unique rabbit?

A: Unique up on it!



Q: How do you catch a tame rabbit?

A: Tame way, unique up on it!



TeeHeeHee bkbkbkbkbk axaxaxaxax axaxaxaxax
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Lotus Eater on March 01, 2009, 04:34:16 AM
George, is Babe away today?
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: synthette58 on March 01, 2009, 04:39:23 AM
 agagagagag George! You're on a roll tonight!

Me, I'm on a loo roll, thanks to unwashed tomatoes - should be down the local, quaffing pints of gin with old Eric and the other Linanauts......but, duty calls....actually, my bathroom is pretty spiffy - at least I don't have to stand on the toilet seat to take a shower; and the heat lamps make it nice and cosy for snuggling down with a good book.

Q: What do you call 4 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start.

Q: Why don't sharks eat lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.

Q: How do you confuse a blonde?
A: Put her in a round room and tell her to sit in the corner.

Q: How does a trombonist keep track of his gigs?
A: Year-At-A-Glance

Q: How do you know when there's a trombonist at your door?
A: Pizza's arrived!

Q: How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
A: Put it in the microwave until its Bill Withers.....

 A letter, addressed "To the world's greatest drummer", arrives at the home of Louie Bellson. He takes one look at it, and says, "well, this is obviously not for me", and forwards it to Gene Krupa. Krupa also takes one look at it, and also says, "well, this is obviously not for me", and he forwards it as well. The letter makes the rounds of famous drummers' homes, until it finally winds up at the home of Buddy Rich. He takes one look at it, and says, "well, this is obviously for me", rips it open, and reads "Dear Ringo...."

What's the difference between a musician and a large Domino's pizza?
A large Domino's pizza CAN feed a family of four

What was the epitaph on the blues player's gravestone?
"I didn't wake up this morning..."

General Custer and his aide were in the fort. The aide said, "General, I don't like the sound of those drums."
From over in the hills you hear a voice yell, "It's not our regular drummer."

How many engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
1) "Is that an analog bulb or a digital bulb?"
2) "It's in the manual, You DID READ THE MANUAL, DIDN'T YOU?"
3) "That's visual. I only do audio"

How many jazz pianists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Screw the changes, we'll fake it.

What do you call a drummer with no girlfiend?
Homeless.

 How many drummers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Twenty, one to hold the bulb and nineteen to drink beer till the room spins.


o-kay.....'tis back to the dunny for me, folks!!
 bjbjbjbjbj
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: latefordinner on March 01, 2009, 07:11:32 AM
A young blonde Irish woman walks into the casino and sits down at the craps table. She just sits and watches for a bit, but when the dealer asks her if she wants to play, she says that she's just watching, trying to learn the game. She'll try it in a bit, but right now she just wants to make sure she understands the game. A while later the dealer asks if she's interested in playing and she replies that yes, she'd like to try.

But there's just one thing. Whenever she gambles, she has to take her clothes off, for luck. Do they mind if she does?

No one objects, so she takes all of her clothes off. She takes the dice into her hands and whispers to them. She speaks softly, then a bit louder then finally loud enough for everyone at the table to hear: "Come on baby, Mamma needs new clothes. Come on baby, Mamma needs new clothes" She throws the dice high over the table, and as they fall she screams and starts jumping up and down yelling, "I won, I won, I won!" She takes her winnings, puts her clothing into a shopping bag, and leaves.

The dealers look at one another in disbelief. One of them asks,"By the way,what did she roll?" Another says, "I thought you were watching"

The moral of the story? Not all Irish are stupid, not all blondes are dumb. But guys, let's be honest. We're all men.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Stil on March 02, 2009, 12:04:04 AM
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello.  He's rather taken
aback because he can't place where he knows her from.

So he says, 'Do you know me?'
 
To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'
 
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching  while your partner whipped my rear with wet celery???'
 
She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.'
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: teleplayer on March 07, 2009, 12:33:15 PM
in the trashbin from a Sore loser but it is humorous--sorta'  

                       LETTER FROM THE BOSS.....

As the CEO of this organization, I have resigned myself to the fact that Barrack Obama is our President, and that our taxes, and government fees will increase in a BIG way. To compensate for these increases, our prices would have to increase by about 10%.

Since we cannot increase our prices right now due to the dismal state of the economy, we will have to lay off six of our employees instead. This has really been bothering me, since I believe we are family here and I didn't know how to choose who would have to go.

So, this is what I did. I walked through our parking lot and found six Obama bumper stickers on our employees' cars and have decided these folks will be the ones to let go. I can't think of a more fair way to approach this problem. They voted for change; I gave it to them.

I will see the rest of you at the annual company picnic
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Stil on March 16, 2009, 08:13:58 PM


Written across the wall of the cave were the following symbols:

(http://i11.photobucket.com/albums/a197/Bissessar/Image.jpg)

It was considered a unique find and the writings were said to be at least three thousand years old!


The piece of stone was removed, brought to the museum, and archaeologists from around the world came to study the ancient symbols. They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss the meaning of the markings.

(http://i11.photobucket.com/albums/a197/Bissessar/Image.jpg)

The President of the society pointed to first drawing and said: 'This is a woman. We can see these people held women in high esteem. You can also tell they were intelligent, as the next symbol is a donkey, so they were smart enough to have animals to help them till the soil.
The next drawing is a shovel, which means they had tools to help them.'
 
(http://i11.photobucket.com/albums/a197/Bissessar/Image.jpg)

Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish which means that if a famine hit the earth and food didn't grow, they would seek food from the sea. The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they were evidently Hebrews.

(http://i11.photobucket.com/albums/a197/Bissessar/Image.jpg)

The audience applauded enthusiastically.

Then a little old Jewish man stood up In the back of the room and said, 'Idiots, Hebrew is read from right to left......

It says: 'Holy Mackerel, Dig The Ass On That Chick! 
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Bugalugs on March 16, 2009, 08:24:28 PM
 bkbkbkbkbk bkbkbkbkbk bkbkbkbkbk  agagagagag agagagagag agagagagag
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: teleplayer on March 17, 2009, 09:41:34 AM
LIZARD BIRTH....
 
 Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.

 Here's what happened:
 
Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell
me there was 'something wrong' with one of the
two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.
 
'He's just lying there looking sick,' he told me.
 'I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?'
 
I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face
and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little
lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed.
I immediately knew what to do.
 
'Honey,' I called, 'come look at the lizard!'
 
'Oh, my gosh!' my wife exclaimed.
'She's having babies.'
 
'What?' my son demanded. 'But their names
are Bert and Ernie, Mom!'
 
I was equally outraged.
 
'Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we
didn't want them to reproduce,' I said accusingly to my
wife.
 
'Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in
their cage?' she inquired (I think she actually said this
sarcastically) !
 
'No, but you were supposed to get two boys!' I
reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice,
while gritting my teeth).
 
'Yeah, Bert and Ernie!' my son agreed.
 
'Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some
guys, you know,' she informed me. (Again with the
sarcasm).
 
By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what
was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.
 
'Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience,' I
announced. 'We're about to witness the miracle of birth..'

'Oh, gross!' they shrieked.
 
'Well, isn't THAT just great? What are we
going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?'
my wife wanted to know.
 
We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what
looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a
scant second later.
 
'We don't appear to be making much
progress,' I noted.
 
'It's breech,' my wife whispered, horrified.
 
'Do something, Dad!' my son urged.
 
'Okay, okay.' Squeamishly, I reached in and
grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a
gentle tug. It disappeared.

I tried several more times with the same results.
 
'Should I call 911?' my eldest daughter wanted
to know
 
'Maybe they could talk us through the trauma.'
(You see a pattern here with the females in my house) ?
 
'Let's get Ernie to the vet,' I said grimly. We drove to the
vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.
 
'Breathe, Ernie, breathe,' he urged.
 
'I don't think lizards do Lamaze,' his mother noted to him.
(Women can be so cruel to=2 0their own young. I mean what
she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb.)
 
The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and
peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.
 
'What do you think, Doc, a C-section?' I suggested
scientifically.
 
'Oh, very interesting,' he murmured. 'Mr. and Mrs.
Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?'
 
I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.
 
'Is Ernie going to be okay?' my wife asked.
 
'Oh, perfectly,' the vet assured us. 'This lizard is not in
labor..
In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen. Ernie
is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally,
as they come into maturity, like most male species, they
um . . um . . masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back.'

He blushed, glancing at my wife.
 
We were silent, absorbing this.
 
'So, Ernie's just . just . . excited,' my  wife offered.
 
'Exactly,' the vet replied , relieved that we
understood.
 
More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to
giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.
 
'What's so funny?' I demanded, knowing,but not
believing that the woman I married would commit
the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.
 
Tears were now running down her face. 'It's
just that . . I'm picturing you pulling on its . . . its. .
teeny little . . '
She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once
more.
 
'That's enough,' I warned. We thanked the vet and
hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the
car.. He was glad everything was going to be okay.
 
'I know Ernie's really thankful for what you
did, Dad,' he told me.
 
'Oh, you have NO idea,' my wife agreed,
collapsing with laughter.
 
Two lizards: $140.
 
One cage: $50.
 
Trip to the vet: $30.
 
Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's
winkie:
 
Priceless!
 
Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class.
 
Lizards lay eggs!
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: DaDan on March 20, 2009, 06:45:13 AM
oooooooooo
http://www.ilovewavs.com/comedy/Music/The%20Assumption%20Song%20-%20Arrogant%20Worms.wav (http://www.ilovewavs.com/comedy/Music/The%20Assumption%20Song%20-%20Arrogant%20Worms.wav)
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Con ate dog on March 24, 2009, 01:14:08 PM
   Fifty Years of Math 1959  - 2009  (in the USA )
 
Last week I purchased a burger at Burger King for $1.58. The counter girl
took my $2 and I was digging for my change when I pulled 8 cents from my
pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3
pennies, while looking at the screen on her register. I sensed her
discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters, but she
hailed the manager for help. While he tried to explain the transaction to
her, she stood there and cried. Why do I tell you this? Because of the
evolution in teaching math since the 1950s:

1. Teaching Math In 1950s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is
4/5 of the price. What is his profit ?

2. Teaching Math In 1960s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is
4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

3. Teaching Math In 1970s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is
$80. Did he make a profit?

4. Teaching Math In 1980s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is
$80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

5. Teaching Math In 1990s

A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and
inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the
preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of
$20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class
participation after answering the question: How did the birds and
squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong
answers, and if you feel like crying, it's ok. )
 

6. Teaching Math In 2009

Un hachero vende una carretada de maderapara $100. El costo de la
producciones es $80. Cuanto dinero ha hecho?
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: George on March 28, 2009, 04:13:48 PM
1. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards. NAIVE
2. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?
3. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?
4. OK... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs", what does that make the Tennessee Titans ?
5. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one enjoys it?
6. There are three religious truths:
1. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
2. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.
3. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters
7. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
8. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
9. Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack?
10. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
11. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
12. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
13. When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts" and you put your two cents in . . .what happens to the other penny?
14. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
15. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?
16. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
17. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?
18. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
19. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
20. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
21. "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?
22. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
23. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
24. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
25. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
26. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me . . they're cramming for their final exam.
27. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
28. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
29. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
30. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
31. No one ever says, "It's only a game" when their team is winning.
32. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
33. Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
34. If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
35. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: George on March 30, 2009, 01:22:57 AM
This comic strip makes me smile....
http://www.explosm.net/comics/1424/ (http://www.explosm.net/comics/1424/)
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: DaDan on March 30, 2009, 09:19:50 AM
ababababab
Dirty old man  
 bfbfbfbfbf
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: dragonsaver on March 30, 2009, 06:50:28 PM
English Lesson on Dangling Participles





On my 66th birthday, I got a gift certificate from my wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction. After being persuaded, I drove to the reservation, handed my ticket to the medicine man and wondered what would happen next.

The old man slowly, methodically produced a potion, handed it to me, and with a grip on my shoulder, warned, "This is powerful medicine and it must be respected. You take only a teaspoonful and then say '1-2-3.  'When you do that, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you want."

I was encouraged. As I walked away, I turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"  "Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'  he responded.  "But when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."

I was very eager to see if it worked so I went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited my wife to join me in the bedroom. When she came in, I took off my clothes and said, "1-2-3!"

Immediately, I was the manliest of men. My wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes. And then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition!

ONE COULD END UP WITH A DANGLING PARTICIPLE!!
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: DaDan on April 07, 2009, 05:39:12 PM
Land of the free...
`dum to do this type stuffs 
ahahahahah
http://chiaobama.com/images/slideshow/featured_product_image.png (http://chiaobama.com/images/slideshow/featured_product_image.png)
(http://chiaobama.com/images/slideshow/featured_product_image.png)
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: synthette58 on April 08, 2009, 03:51:39 AM
Re #1:

same with Perrier........in Canada we call it "Derriere" - cos only an ass would drink it!
 agagagagag
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: paddyfields on April 18, 2009, 02:07:27 PM
Toilet Humour
(http://i283.photobucket.com/albums/kk287/messon08/00n7052adPs-1.jpg)

(http://i283.photobucket.com/albums/kk287/messon08/misc_bluesbrothers.gif)
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: DaDan on April 21, 2009, 08:24:09 AM
 bfbfbfbfbf

[attachment removed for space reason by admin]
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Stil on April 23, 2009, 01:27:25 AM
(http://i11.photobucket.com/albums/a197/Bissessar/COMICshitkick.png)
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Mr Nobody on April 23, 2009, 01:22:42 PM
I do that.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Bugalugs on April 25, 2009, 12:59:38 PM
A little boy goes to his father and asks 'Daddy, how was I born?'


The father answers, 'Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!
Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive.
As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:

"You've got MALE !"
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: DaDan on April 26, 2009, 07:11:52 AM
 ahahahahah

[attachment removed for space reason by admin]
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Con ate dog on May 11, 2009, 11:51:23 PM
The 86 Rules of Boozing

1. If you owe someone money, always pay them back in a bar. Preferably during happy hour.

2. Always toast before doing a shot.

3. Whoever buys the shot gets the first chance to offer a toast.

4. Change your toast at least once a month.

5. Buying someone a drink is five times better than a handshake.

6. Buying a strange woman a drink is still cool. Buying all her drinks is dumb.

7. Never borrow more than one cigarette from the same person in one night.

8. When the bartender is slammed, resist the powerful urge to order a slightly-dirty, very-dry, in-and-out, super-chilled half-and-half martini with a lemon twist. Limit orders to beer, straight shots and two-part cocktails.

9. Get the bartender's attention with eye contact and a smile.

10. Do not make eye contact with the bartender if you do not want a drink.

11. Unacceptable things to say after doing a shot: Great, now I’m going to get drunk. I hate shots. It’s coming back up.

12. Never, ever tell a bartender he made your drink too strong.

13. If he makes it too weak, order a double next time. He'll get the message.

14. If you offer to buy a woman a drink and she refuses, she does not like you.

15. If you offer to buy a woman a drink and she accepts, she still might not like you.

16. If she buys you a drink, she likes you.

17. If someone offers to buy you a drink, do not upgrade your liquor preference.

18. Always have a corkscrew in your house.

19. If you don't have a corkscrew, push the cork down into the bottle with a pen.

20. Drink one girly drink in public and you will forever be known as the guy who drinks girly drinks.

21. Our parents were better drinkers than we are.

22. Never talk to someone in the restroom unless you're doing the same thing—urinating, waiting in line or washing your hands.

23. Girls hang out, apply make-up, and have long talks in the bathroom. Men do not.

24. After your sixth drink, do not look at yourself in the mirror. It will shake your confidence.

25. It is only permissible to shout 'woo-hoo!' if you are doing a shot with four or more people.

26. If there is a d.j., you can request a song only once per night. If he doesn't play it within half an hour, do not approach him again. If he does play it, do not approach him again.

27. Learn how to make a rose out of a bar napkin. You'll be surprised how well it works.

28. If you can't afford to tip, you can't afford to drink in a bar. Go to the liquor store.

29. If you owe someone twenty dollars or less, you may pay them back in beer.

30. Never complain about the quality or brand of a free drink.

31. If you have been roommates with someone more than six months, you may drink all their beer, even if it's hidden, as long as you leave them one.

32. You can have a shot of their hard liquor only if the cap has been cracked and the bottle goes for less than $25.

33. The only thing that tastes better than free liquor is stolen liquor.

34. If you bring Old Milwaukee to a party, you must drink at least two cans before you start drinking the imported beer in the fridge.

35. Learn to appreciate hangovers. If it was all good times every jackass would be doing it.

36. If you ever feel depressed, get out a bartender’s guide and browse through all the drinks you’ve never tried.

37. Try one new drink each week.

38. If you are the bar's sole customer, you are obliged to make small talk with the bartender until he stops acknowledging you. Then you're off the hook. The same goes for him.

39. Never tip with coins that have touched you. If your change is $1.50, you can tell the barmaid to keep the change, but once she has handed it to you, you cannot give it back. To a bartender or cocktail waitress, small change has no value.

40. If you have ever told a bartender, “Hey, it all spends the same,” then you are a cheap ass.

41. Anyone on stage or behind a bar is fifty percent better looking.

42. You can tell how hard a drinker someone is by how close they keep their drink to their mouth.

43. A bar is a college, not a nursery. If you spill a beer, clean it up. If you break a glass, wait for a staff member to clean it up, then blame it on someone else.

44. Being drunk is feeling sophisticated without being able to say it.

45. It's okay to drink alone.

46. After three drinks, you will forget a woman's name two seconds after she tells you. The rest of the night you will call her “baby” or “darling”.

47. Nothing screams 'nancy boy' louder than swirling an oversized brandy snifter.

48. Men don't drink from straws. Unless you're doing a Mind or Face Eraser.

49. If you do a shot, finish it. If you don't plan to finish it, don't accept it.

50. Never brood in a dance bar. Never dance in a dive bar.

51. Never play more than three songs by the same artist in a row.

52. Your songs will come on as you're leaving the bar.

53. Never yell out jukebox selections to someone you don't know.

54. Never lie in a bar. You may, however, grossly exaggerate and lean.

55. If you think you might be slurring a little, then you are slurring a lot. If you think you are slurring a lot, then you are not speaking English.

56. Screaming, “Someone buy me a drink!” has never worked.

57. For every drink, there is a five percent better chance you will get in a fight. There is also a three percent better chance you will lose the fight.

58. Fighting an extremely drunk person when you are sober is hilarious.

59. If you are broke and a friend is “sporting you”, you must laugh at all his jokes and play wingman when he makes his move.

60. If you are broke and a friend is “making sport of you”, you may steal any drink he leaves unattended.

61. Never rest your head on a table or bar top. It is the equivalent of voluntarily putting your head on a chopping block.

62. If you are trading rounds with a friend and he asks if you're ready for another, always say yes. Once you fall out of sync you will end up buying more drinks than him.

63. If you're going to hit on a member of the bar staff, make sure you tip well before and after, regardless of her response.

64. The people with the most money are rarely the best tippers.

65. Before you die, single-handedly make one decent martini.

66. Asking a bartender what beers are on tap when the handles are right in front of you is the equivalent of saying, “I'm an idiot.”

67. Never ask a bartender “what's good tonight?” They do not fly in the scotch fresh from the coast every morning.

68. If there is a line for drinks, get your goddamn drink and step the hell away from the bar.

69. If there is ever any confusion, the fuller beer is yours.

70. The patrons at your local bar are your extended family, your fathers and mothers, your brothers and sisters. Except you get to sleep with these sisters. And if you're really drunk, the mothers.

71. It's acceptable, traditional in fact, to disappear during a night of hard drinking. You will appear mysterious and your friends will understand. If they even notice.

72. Never argue your tab at the end of the night. Remember, you're hammered and they’re sober. It's akin to a precocious five-year-old arguing the super-string theory with a physicist. 99.9% of the time you're wrong and either way you're going to come off as a jackass.

73. If you bring booze to a party, you must drink it or leave it.

74. If you hesitate more than three seconds after the bartender looks at you, you do not deserve a drink.

75. Beer makes you mellow, champagne makes you silly, wine makes you dramatic, tequila makes you felonious.

76. The greatest thing a drunkard can do is buy a round of drinks for a packed bar.

77. Never preface a conversation with a bartender with “I know this is going to be a hassle, but . . .”

78. When you’re in a bar and drunk, your boss is just another guy begging for a fat lip. Unless he’s buying.

79. If you are 86’d, do not return for at least three months. To come back sooner makes it appear no other bar wants you.

80. Anyone with three or more drinks in his hands has the right of way.

81. If you’re going to drink on the job, drink vodka. It’s the no-tell liquor.

82. There’s nothing wrong with drinking before noon. Especially if you’re supposed to be at work.

83. The bar clock moves twice as fast from midnight to last call.

84. A flask engraved with a personal message is one of the best gifts you can ever give. And make sure there’s something in it.

85. On the intimacy scale, sharing a quiet drink is between a handshake and a kiss.

86. You will forget every one of these rules by your fifth drink.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Worldtour on May 23, 2009, 12:02:17 AM
Here is some fine reading for you.

Under the Bleachers by Seymore Butts
Yellow River by I. P. Freely
Mountains in the Sand by Squaw Ten Levit
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: lindamao on May 31, 2009, 08:53:18 PM
Hi,

I enjoyed that thread very much, so I'll offer one in return.  It's kinda old - prerestroika era actually - but I always liked it.

A wife sends her husband out to buy some meat.  He queues for hours and just as he arrives at the front of the line, the butcher closes shop declaring, "no more meat".
The man completely loses his cool and goes off on a rant, "I fought in the Great Patriotic War, worked 40 years in the mines, sacrificed a son in Afganistan... and I can't have a little meat...".
A fellow in a trenchcoat and fedora taps him on the shoulder and says, "Tovarich, come with me."  In private the fellow says, "Comrade, what you say is true.  But, remember, comrade, if you had said these things a few months ago..." and he points to his head like his hand is a pistol, "so go home, comrade, be happy."
The man goes home empty-handed. His wife says to him, "Vladya, what's wrong, are they out of meat?"
The man says, "No, it's worse.  They're out of bullets."



Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Mr Nobody on May 31, 2009, 09:58:45 PM
I didn't know where else to put this, so I put it here for no real reason except the bit about shakespeare nearly killed me. I spurted coffee out my nose and woke the baby.

http://www.ted.com/index.php/talks/ken_robinson_says_schools_kill_creativity.html

TED, for those that don't know, is Technology, Education, Design and features talks by some of the most amazing people on the planet. (Check the one on the Eve Ensler of the Vagina Monologues for example, or Murray Gell-Man on elegance in Physics etc, etc, etc) It has run for 25 years or so, but only some talks are available on the net, mostly from the last 5 years or so.

Anyway, this one is so topical for those of us in China, in lots of respects.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: George on May 31, 2009, 10:27:21 PM
Couldn't imagine any Chinese Educator listening to that and suddenly thinking "Omigawd!"
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Con ate dog on June 01, 2009, 04:10:42 AM
Seen it and laughed.  One of my highlights was when he said  school curriculums are designed to create professors, whose relationship to their was as a vehicle to move their heads from place to place.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Mr Nobody on June 01, 2009, 04:14:30 AM
Showed it to wife. she said ohmigawd. About time, been telling her that for years.

I suggested she show it to other teachers. She said er... well, I know where it is if I need it.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: AMonk on June 01, 2009, 04:29:03 AM
WARNING!!!  This story is P.I. ....



Foreign-born fellow goes to a big, US bank and applies for a job.

He passes every test given him.  Then comes the final challenge.  He is taken into a back room, and given a short list (3 words) and told to put each one into a sentence.  The words are "green", "pink" and "yellow".

He thinks.  He sweats.  At least he smiles.

"The phone goes green.  I pink it up.  I say, 'Yellow!' "


Last I heard, he was put in charge of Communications afafafafaf
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: lindamao on June 05, 2009, 06:42:56 PM
Hey, I'm a member! Yahoo...

So to celebrate..

A Japanese guy in Seattle goes to the bank and exchanges 100,000 Yen.
(Please pardon me here, I haven't a clue what the current exchange rates are).
He gets 72$.
A week later he goes back and exchanges 100,000 Yen again.  He gets 68$.
So he says to the teller, "Last week, 100,000 yen - 72 dolla; this week, 100,000 yen - 68 dolla.  Why?"
The teller says laconically, "fluctuations."
The Japanese guy has a look of complete shock on his face.  Finally, he manages to say,
"Well, fluck you Amerlicans too."
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Schnerby on June 05, 2009, 09:40:49 PM
 uuuuuuuuuu

I sprayed water out of my nose. Thanks very much.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: George on June 05, 2009, 10:14:39 PM
Better than spraying beer!
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Schnerby on June 06, 2009, 10:59:29 PM
Correct! Beer and lemonade can be painful when sprayed from the nostrils. I think it's the bubbles.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: synthette58 on June 07, 2009, 01:45:04 AM
Re: Beer..........here's a few interesting laws:

The top 20 barmy booze laws from around the world (Daily Mirror, UK, 6/6/09)

With news today that drunks stopped by South Wales Police are to be offered a Who Wants To Be A Millionaire-style quiz as a way to avoid an on-the-spot fine, we look at other barmy booze laws from around the world.

1. Remarkably, it still remains illegal to be drunk in a pub or club in the UK.

2. In Ohio, it is against state law to get a fish drunk.

3. In Houston, Texas, somewhat confusingly, beer may not be purchased after midnight on Sunday, but can be purchased anytime on Monday!

4. Royal Navy ships that enter the Port of London must provide a barrel of rum to the Constable of the Tower of London.

5. In San Salvador, drunk drivers can be punished by death before a firing squad.

6. In Scotland it is illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow.

7. In Alaska it is illegal to give alcoholic beverages to a moose.

8. In Texas it is illegal to take more than three sips of beer whilst standing.

9. The entire Encyclopaedia Britannica is also banned in the Lone Star state, as it contains a formula for making beer at home.

10. In Switzerland, although it is illegal to produce, store, sell and trade absinth, it is legal to consume it.

11. In Nebraska it is illegal for bar owners to sell booze unless they are simultaneously brewing a kettle of soup.

12.  At Dublin’s Trinity College, students can demand a glass of wine at any time during an exam, provided they are wearing their sword.

13. In North Dakota beer and pretzels can't be served at the same time in any bar or restaurant.

14. Although the French wine, "Fat Bastard," is freely available in 22 states in the US, both Texas and Ohio have banned its sale within their borders. (note: it IS available in Canada - well, Nova Scotia anyways.....)

15. In the US the word "refreshing" is banned from use in adverts to describe any alcoholic drink.

16. In Pennsylvania, no man may purchase alcohol without written consent from his wife.

17. Anyone under the age of 21 who takes out household rubbish containing even a single empty beer bottle can be charged with illegal possession of alcohol in Missouri.

18. It is illegal to sit on any street curb in St. Louis, Missouri, and drink beer from a bucket.

19. In 2008 an Iranian court sentenced a 22-year-old "hardened and incorrigible drinker" to death for breaking the country's ban on drinking alcohol for the fourth time.

20. In Iowa, a husband may not take more than three gulps of beer while lying in bed with his wife, or holding her hands. It’s also illegal to start a tab at a bar.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Stil on June 07, 2009, 04:40:07 AM
Quote
6. In Scotland it is illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow.

This has lead to a lot of divorces in Scotland.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: synthette58 on June 07, 2009, 04:52:40 AM
Quote
6. In Scotland it is illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow.

This has lead to a lot of divorces in Scotland.

WELL, Whoopdee do!.......what about 'in possession of a squirrel????'.............what sayest thou, Eric????
(we won't even go near the 'massage' palaver..........now that's just damned perverted...)
 aoaoaoaoao aoaoaoaoao aoaoaoaoao

(and, 'scuses folksies.....I've had wayyyy toooo much baiju this eveningski...........hic hic!)........just watching Ken Burns "Jazz"........and 'the joint is jumpin' (god....Paddyfields will be happy to move!!! YaY.....death to 'Diva's' eh, what???)....

....hic.....

PS: ....blonde hair dye source, anyone??
(I suck even worsoe as a brunette dinosaurus........)
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: George on June 07, 2009, 05:28:09 PM
(http://www.flashasylum.com/db/files/Comics/Kris/doll.png)
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Schnerby on June 07, 2009, 07:07:41 PM
I likes.  ahahahahah
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: George on June 12, 2009, 02:57:58 AM
(http://www.flashasylum.com/db/files/Comics/Kris/vest.png)
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Stil on June 16, 2009, 12:20:15 AM
(http://i11.photobucket.com/albums/a197/Bissessar/KindyTeacher.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: George on June 16, 2009, 12:33:51 AM
Chortle, chortle.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: synthette58 on June 16, 2009, 07:53:13 AM
hilariously sick, and, sad but true, WAY closer to the truth than we all dare to mention. And - don't we all know one??

 agagagagag

PS: for the enlightenment of Eric........

Q: What do you call a rhythm guitar player without a girfriend?
A: Homeless

 bhbhbhbhbh
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: DaDan on June 17, 2009, 07:57:25 AM
can't explain `Why...
but I found this funny
ahahahahah
  bfbfbfbfbf http://www.yhchang.com/CUNNILINGUS_IN_NORTH_KOREA.swf (http://www.yhchang.com/CUNNILINGUS_IN_NORTH_KOREA.swf)  bfbfbfbfbf
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: synthette58 on June 17, 2009, 08:16:57 AM
okok......he stole it from Trudeau......true blue Canuk he was........

Cunni Lingus was always an Irish Airline to us lesser mortals.
May we stand, in our touks, as one nation, corrected......
 agagagagag

Kim whatsisname's response,.........
Boom, frikkin' Boom! Mwaaahahaha....
 bhbhbhbhbh

Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: DaDan on June 18, 2009, 08:20:19 AM
Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call.
The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl, to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.
Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Mommy pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born.
The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom.

Connor began to cry.

The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.


Kathleen quickly responded, 'He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first
 place.....`smack his okole again
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: George on June 18, 2009, 10:08:54 PM
(http://www.flashasylum.com/db/files/Comics/Kris/figure.png)
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: teleplayer on June 20, 2009, 03:35:27 AM
The Pharmacist
Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife.Tearfully she explained, "It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone."Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology.

Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him,
"Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I'd locked the house with both house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys.
"Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket.
Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire."
"When I finally got to the store a bunch of people were waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook."
He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I  had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels and the phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke."
"Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer.
And believe me mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her!
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: George on June 20, 2009, 11:17:55 PM
I'm sorry, but I couldn't resist!! ahahahahah ahahahahah
(http://www.flashasylum.com/db/files/Comics/Rob/birthofaburrito.png)
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Ruth on June 21, 2009, 02:43:06 PM
Thanks George  kkkkkkkkkk  I just finished breakfast.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: George on June 21, 2009, 03:05:50 PM
What did you have?? ahahahahah
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: DaDan on June 21, 2009, 05:22:04 PM
Lovers of the English language might enjoy this. It is yet another example of why people learning English have trouble with the language. Learning the nuances of English makes it a difficult language. (But then, that's probably true of many languages.)

There is a two-letter word in English that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that word is 'UP.' It is listed in the dictionary as being used as an [adv], [prep], [adj], [n] or [v].


It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP?
At a meeting, why does a topic come UP ? Why do we speak UP, and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report? We call UP our friends and we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car.
At other times the little word has a real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.

To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special.

And this up is confusing:
A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP.

We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night. We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP !

To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP , look the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4 of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions

If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.

When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP . When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP. When it rains, it wets UP the earth. When it does not rain for awhile, things dry UP..

One could go on & on, but I'll wrap it UP , for now ........my time is UP , so time to shut UP!

Oh...one more thing:
What is the first thing you do in the morning & the last thing you do at night?

U P
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Granny Mae on June 21, 2009, 06:05:54 PM
Oh...one more thing:
What is the first thing you do in the morning & the last thing you do at night?

U P

Errrr, we are talking about a man here aren't we? uuuuuuuuuu
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Granny Mae on June 24, 2009, 09:49:12 PM
 An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice
 in reviving her husband's flagging libido.
 'What about trying Viagra?' asked the doctor.
 'Not a chance', she said. 'He won't even take an aspirin.'
 'Not a problem,' replied the doctor. 'Give him an 'Irish Viagra'. It's
 when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it.
 Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went.'

 It wasn't a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as
 to her progress.
 The poor dear exclaimed, 'Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid!
 Just terrible, doctor!'

 'Really? What happened?' asked the doctor.

 'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect  was
 almost immediate.  He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and
 with his pants a-bulging fiercely!  With one swoop of his arm, he sent me cups
 flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately
 on the tabletop!  It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!'

 'Why so terrible?' asked the doctor, 'Do you mean the sex wasn't good?'

 'Be Jaysus Father, 'twas the best sex I've had in 25 years!  But sure as
 I'm sittin here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: teleplayer on June 25, 2009, 04:08:06 AM
 bkbkbkbkbk

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first
 class section of an airplane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.
 
 The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more. Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shudder ing. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking ever more than before.
 
 Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman
 and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed
 three times, wipe your nose and then shudder violently. Are you ok?"
 
 "I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical
 condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."
 
 The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. " I
 have never heard of that condition before " he said. "Are you
 taking anything for it?"
     
The woman nodded, "PEPPER."
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Ruth on June 25, 2009, 01:08:45 PM
Many, many moons ago, when I was a uni student, I took a Human Sexuality course.  Not sure what else I've retained from the class, but I still clearly remember the professor saying that having an orgasm was like sneezing. 

(I hate it when a post of mine refering to a previous post ends up first on the next page.  It doesn't quite make sense.  For those of you beginning on this page, go back to Teleplayer's joke on page 42, then read my comment.)
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: AMonk on June 25, 2009, 04:41:57 PM
Actually, Ruth, your professor probably said something to the effect that recognising/anticipating you are building toward an orgasm is similar to the sensation of expecting a sneeze afafafafaf

The arrival, however, is not the same at all bhbhbhbhbh ahahahahah ahahahahah
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Ruth on June 25, 2009, 05:03:58 PM
Guess I get a C- in retaining information.  I do remember being shocked that he was so open in discussing stuff like that in a lecture hall full of people.  (Somewhat sheltered upbringing here.)
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Stil on June 26, 2009, 02:03:49 AM
The arrival, however, is not the same at all bhbhbhbhbh ahahahahah ahahahahah

Speak for yourself
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Ruth on June 26, 2009, 01:32:19 PM
Speak for yourself
And pass the tissues please?
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Bugalugs on July 05, 2009, 05:04:31 AM
Actual Medical Charts
- The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut and handed to the pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately.

--Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

- The skin was moist and dry.

- Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.

- She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989 when she got a divorce.

- Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

- The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.

- I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

- The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week.

- Bleeding started in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los Angeles.

- Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

- She is numb from her toes down.

- Exam of genitalia was completely negative except for the right foot.

- While in the emergency room, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.

- The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

- The patient was to have a bowel resection. However he took a job as a stockbroker instead.

- Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.

- Coming from Detroit, this man has no children.

- Examination reveals a well-developed male lying in bed with his family in no distress.

- Patient was alert and unresponsive.

- When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: DaDan on July 07, 2009, 07:40:55 PM
----------------------------------------------------------------
What if Sarah Palin looked like Susan Boyle?
----------------------------------------------------------------

.
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.
.
 mmmmmmmmmm
.

.

.

.
.

.

.
.

. mmmmmmmmmm
.
.
.
..

..

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..


???..............

.

.

.


ahahahahah She'd have been a Democrat  ahahahahah
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: synthette58 on July 11, 2009, 05:45:14 AM
Actual Medical Charts

- She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989 when she got a divorce. 



PMSL at that one!!!

Here's one straight from my bud in Kentucky (they breed 'em weird there - that's me, only 'weird' friends allowed!! LOL!!)


>> While in China, Mike is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time. A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes in the morning to find his private covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified,Mike immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells Mike to return in two days for the results. The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says: 'I've got bad news for you --- you've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it.'
>>
>>
>> Mike looks a little perplexed and says: 'Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc.'
>>
>> The doctor answers: 'I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate.'
>>
>> Mike screams in horror, 'Absolutely not! I want a second opinion.'
>>
>> The doctor replies: 'Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want but surgery is your only choice.'
>>
>> The next day, Mike seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease The Chinese doctor examines him and proclaims: 'Ah, yes, Mongolian VD Vely rare disease.'
>>
>> Mike says to the doctor:  'Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can we do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate!' The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs:
>>
>> 'Greedy Amelican docta, always want to opelate. Make more money that way. No need to opelate!'
>>
>> 'Oh, Thank God!' Mike replies.
>>
>> 'Yes,' says the Chinese doctor, 'You no worry! Wait two weeks. Faw off by itself!
>>

PS: anyone watching "True Blood" on Youku..........???  Eric got me hooked. He will pay.
 :wtf:
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: AMonk on July 11, 2009, 09:55:36 AM
PS: anyone watching "True Blood" on Youku..........???  Eric got me hooked. He will pay.
 :wtf:

The books are GREAT!!!  I most definitely recommend them.....and Charlaine Harris's other series (serieses?)
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: DaDan on July 17, 2009, 06:45:59 AM
:wtf:
http://www.break.com/index/did-you-just-check-her-out.html (http://www.break.com/index/did-you-just-check-her-out.html)
 ahahahahah
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: AMonk on July 17, 2009, 07:50:46 AM
 cbcbcbcbcb cbcbcbcbcb
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Turino on July 18, 2009, 03:31:45 PM
Quickie in the bushes

There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.

The angel tells them, 'As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal cold winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most.'

He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery.

The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues. After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.

The angel tells them, 'Um, you have fifteen minutes left, would you care to do it again?'

He asks her 'Shall we?' She eagerly replies, 'Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions. This time, I'll hold the pigeon down and you shit on its head.'
 

AND WHAT WERE YOU AFTER THINKING

I'D BE SENDING?   

Shame on you!!!

Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Lu on July 23, 2009, 06:16:18 PM
Sorry to bump this thread, but I got some funny jokes (requires a little knowledge of Chinese):

An English English teacher in China who is learning Chinese tells his Chinese friend, in Chinese, that she is beautiful (sorry if that was confusing). The friend blushes and says, "哪里哪里... (na3 li3 na3 li3)", and the teacher proceeds to point at her eyes and mouth, etc.

Explanation: 哪里 in Chinese is a modest reply which means "nah, not really, but I'm flattered all the same", but it literally means "where". :D

-----
In a Chinese classroom, in English class, the teacher asked for some translations and a pupil had the following replies:

How are you? = 怎么是你? (zen3 me shi4 ni3)
How old are you? = 怎么老是你? (zen3 me lao3 shi4 ni3)

Explanation: The literal translations are correct
How = 怎么, old = 老, are = 是, you = 你

but 怎么是你? actually means "how is it you?" and 怎么老是你 means "how's it always you?", and those are usually used as insults!
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: DaDan on July 24, 2009, 09:27:44 AM
How the doctors feel about Obama's health care plan

"The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves. The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve. The Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception. Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted. Pathologists yelled "Over my dead body!" while the Pediatricians said, 'Oh, Grow up!' The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it. Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing. The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter." The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea. The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no. In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the ******** in Washington DC."
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: dragonsaver on August 22, 2009, 03:00:48 AM

            Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was
closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger
alien addressed it saying, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to
your leader.'

            The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.

            The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.

            The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.'

            The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting.
Again, there was no response.

            Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he
drew his ray gun and said impatiently, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace.
Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!'

            The older alien again warned his comrade saying, 'You probably don't
want to do that! I really don't think you should make him mad.'

            'Rubbish,' replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at
the pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared
towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a burnt,
smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.

            Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he
refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at
the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.

            'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien. 'He
damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?'

            The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy
friend and replied, 'If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic
travels, you don't want to mess with a guy who can loop his penis over his
shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear.'

Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Lotus Eater on August 27, 2009, 02:58:45 PM
Global "Chinglish':


In a Bangkok temple:
IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER, IF DRESSED AS A MAN.
 
Cocktail lounge , Norway :
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.
 
Doctors office, Rome :
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.
 
Dry cleaners, Bangkok :
DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.
 
In a Nairobi restaurant:
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.
 
On the main road to Mombassa, leaving Nairobi :
TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.
 
On a poster at Kencom:
ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO WE CAN HELP.
 
In a City restaurant:
OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.
 
In a cemetery:
PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES .
 
Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:
GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED.
 
On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.
 
In a Tokyo bar:
SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.
 
Hotel , Yugoslavia :
THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID.
 
Hotel , Japan :
YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.
 
In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET
COMPOSERS, ARTISTS AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY.
 
A sign posted in Germany 's Black Forest :
IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE
OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE
TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.
 
Hotel, Zurich :
BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX
IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED  THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.
 
Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand :
WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?
 
Airline ticket office, Copenhagen :
WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.
 
A laundry in Rome :
LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: George on August 27, 2009, 03:20:13 PM
Pics???
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: synthette58 on August 27, 2009, 03:40:17 PM

 
Airline ticket office, Copenhagen :
WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.
 

...as Eric The Unready is about to discover........ bibibibibi
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: AMonk on September 15, 2009, 08:32:12 AM
One of my students (surnamed Durrant) asked me today if I knew his cousin, De'Oh.  Apparently the cousin (same last name as my student) hangs out at one of the local grocery stores, along with his best mate, Lo'Shun. bibibibibi
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Con ate dog on September 18, 2009, 02:10:47 AM
1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.
2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00am is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
5. You hear your favourite song on an elevator.
6. You watch the Weather Channel.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
10. You're the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next door won't turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM!
17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.
19. If you're a gal, you go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.
20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."
21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
22. "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never going to drink that much again."
23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
25. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you and can't find one to save your sorry old ass.

Ha! I still have #s 6 and 23
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: George on September 18, 2009, 02:36:50 AM
 mmmmmmmmmm I thought I posted this yesterday!!!
(http://www.flashasylum.com/db/files/Comics/Rob/help.png)
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Schnerby on September 18, 2009, 02:41:59 AM
Ah, cyanide and happiness.

I like  bfbfbfbfbf
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Ruth on September 19, 2009, 10:40:08 PM
Now that Vancouver has won the chance to host the  2010 Winter Olympics, these are some questions people from all over the  world are asking.

Believe it or not these questions about Canada  were posted on an International Tourism Website.  Obviously the answers are a joke; but  the questions were really asked!
           
Q: I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV,  so how do the plants grow? ( England )
A. We import all plants fully grown and then  just sit around and watch them die.

Q: Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? (  USA )
A: Depends on how much you've been drinking.

Q: I  want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto - can I follow the Railroad tracks?(Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only Four thousand miles, take lots of water.

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada? (Sweden)
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.

Q: Are there any ATM's (cash machines)in Canada? Can you send me a list of them in Toronto, Vancouver, Edmonton and Halifax? (  England )
A: No, but you'd better bring a few extra furs for trading purposes.

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada ? ( USA  )
A: A-fri-ca is the big  triangle shaped continent south of Europe.  Ca-na-da is that big country to your North  ...oh forget it. Sure, the hippo  racing is every Tuesday night in Calgary  Come naked.

Q: Which direction is  North in Canada ? ( USA  )
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of  the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada ? ( England  )
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (  USA )
A: Aus-t ri-a is that quaint little country  bordering Ger-man-y, which is....oh forget it.   Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Vancouver and in Calgary, right after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q:  Do you have perfume in Canada ? ( Germany  )
A: No, WE don't  stink.
           

Q: I have  developed a new product that is the fountain of youth.  Where can I  sell it in Canada ? ( USA  )
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Can you tell me the regions in British Columbia where the female population is smaller than the male population?
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.
           

Q: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in  Canada ? ( USA  )
A: Only at Thanksgiving.

Q:  Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year round? ( Germany )
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of Vegan hunter/gathers. Milk is illegal.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Canada, but I forget its name.  It's a kind of big horse with horns. ( USA  )
A: It's called a Moose.  They are tall and very violent, eating the brains of anyone walking close to them.  You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine  before you go out walking.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (  USA )
A: Yes, but you will have to learn it  first.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: AMonk on September 19, 2009, 10:47:03 PM

Ruth, good to know that (stupid) ignorance is everywhere.  My job is SAFE afafafafaf


Con, you "forgot" to include the intro to this
1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them......

.....25. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you and can't find one to save your sorry old ass.
 

May I suggest either "You Know You Are An Adult When...." OR "You Know You Are OLD When...."



Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Day Dreamer on September 20, 2009, 01:20:13 AM
Just to go in a different direction



One day during an Arab-Israeli conflict, two opposing tanks were on maneuvers. They were both backing up on opposite sides of the same sand dune. They happened to hit each other.

Immediately, the Arab soldier climbed out with his hands up and said, "I surrender!"

At the same time, the Israeli soldier leaped out of his tank and screamed, "Whiplash”
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Day Dreamer on September 20, 2009, 01:32:30 AM
Unwanted Ads:


Jewish Princess, seeks successful businessman of any major Jewish denomination: hundreds, fifties, twenties . . .

Single woman, 29, into disco, mountain climbing, skiing, track and field. Has slight limp.

I am a caring, sensitive prince whom you can open your heart to. Share your innermost thoughts and deepest secrets. Confide in me. I'll understand your insecurities. No fatties, please

Male, 34, very successful, smart, independent, self-made. Looking for girl whose father will hire me.

Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: teleplayer on September 23, 2009, 03:26:07 AM
Inspriring Retiree

As we get older we sometimes begin to doubt our ability to "make a difference" in the world. It is at these times that our hopes are boosted by the remarkable achievements of other "seniors" who have found the courage to take on challenges that would make many of us wither. Harold Sclumberg is such a person.


VERY INSPIRING!
 

I've often been asked, 'What do you old folks do now that you're retired'? Well..I'm fortunate to have a chemical engineering background, and one of the things I enjoy most is turning beer, wine, Scotch, and margaritas into urine.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Bugalugs on September 27, 2009, 06:03:32 AM
25 Best Country Songs Titles Of All Time
These are all genuine songs, mainly released in the United States (how surprising).

Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye!
I Don't Know whether To Kill Myself or Go Bowling
If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life,Then Number Two On You
I Sold A Car To A Guy Who Stole My Girl, But It Don't Run - So we're even
Mamma Get A Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head)
If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me
She's Actin' Single and I'm Drinkin' Doubles
How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?
I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You
I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well
I Still Miss You, Baby, But My Aim's Getting' Better
I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fight,Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win
I'll Marry You Tomorrow, But Let's Honeymoon Tonight
I'm So Miserable Without You; It's like Having You Here
I've Got Tears In My Ears From Lyin'On My Back And Cryin' Over You
If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I'd Be Out By Now
My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don't Love You
My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Do Miss Him
Please Bypass This Heart
She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger
You Done Tore Out My Heart And Stomped That Sucker Flat
You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly
Her Teeth Was Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure
She's Lookin' Better After Every Beer
I Haven't Gone To Bed With Ugly Women, But I've Sure Woke Up With a Few
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: latefordinner on September 27, 2009, 03:34:09 PM
She ain't pretty, she just looks that way
Margaritas make her clothes fall off
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Day Dreamer on September 27, 2009, 04:17:01 PM
Statistically, six out of seven dwarves are not Happy.

I Haven't Gone To Bed With Ugly Women, But I've Sure Woke Up With a Few
The actual title of this song is "Ten With A Two." Willie Nelson sang it and it's hilarious.

There's a song by a Canadian band called Trooper, it's "She's Just a 3 Dressed up as a 9"

Or (I think) The Nortern Pikes' "Nobody Like You" (at the end, he says I've been with a bunch of women and they've all been nobody, like you) ouch!
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Bugalugs on September 28, 2009, 03:33:43 AM
My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
And that's when the fight started....

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.  I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered.  I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply sayin g "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started....

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"!
And that's when the fight started...


Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.  I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.  The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'
My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?'
And that's when the fight started....


A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.
Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy Crap.  That must be my husband!'
So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car20as fast as he could go. A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!'
The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'
And that's when the fight started...


I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Molson Canadian for $24.95.  Instead, she bought a jar of face cream for $17.95.
I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the face cream..
And that's when the fight started....


A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
And that's when the fight started....


I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""
Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started....


My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend.
I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' said my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
And that's when the fight started....

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive... so, I took her to a gas station.
And that's when the fight started.....

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And that's when the fight started....

One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as Christmas gift.
The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Bugalugs on September 28, 2009, 03:38:20 AM
A lonely widow, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married again.
She put an ad in the local paper that read:


HUSBAND WANTED:


MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME &
MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!!!!!


ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

On the second day, she heard the doorbell.

Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair.  He had no arms or legs.


The old woman said, 'You're not really asking me to consider you, are you?

Just look at you .. you have no legs!

The old man smiled, 'Therefore, I cannot run around on you!'

She snorted. 'You don't have any arms either!'

Again, the old man smiled, 'Therefore, I can never beat you!'

She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, 'Are you still good in bed???'

The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said,


'Rang the doorbell didn't I?'
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: ericthered on September 28, 2009, 03:42:32 AM
 ahahahahah ahahahahah ahahahahah
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Day Dreamer on September 28, 2009, 03:51:44 AM
Took me a second . . .  bfbfbfbfbf
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Bugalugs on September 28, 2009, 04:18:27 AM
The Facecloth

I was due for a smear with the doctor later in the week. Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor's office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am. I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45 am. The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any time to spare.

As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort. So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pyjamas, wet the facecloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in that area to make sure I was at least presentable. I threw the facecloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment.

I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in.  Knowing the procedure, as I'm sure you do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in Paris or some other place a million miles away. I was a little surprised when the doctor said, 'My, we have made an extra effort this morning, haven't we?'

I didn't respond.

After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day was normal - some shopping, cleaning, & cooking.

After school when my 7 year old daughter was playing, she called out from the bathroom, 'Mummy, where's my facecloth?' I told her to get another one from the cupboard. She replied, 'No, I need the one that was here by the sink, it had all my glitter saved inside it.'
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Day Dreamer on September 28, 2009, 06:54:07 PM
aoaoaoaoao

A Kodak moment

Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Calach Pfeffer on October 02, 2009, 10:22:06 PM
You know you're Australian if.....

1. You know the meaning of the word 'girt'.

2. You believe that stubbies can be either drunk or worn.

3. You think it's normal to have a Prime Minister called Kevin.

4. You've made a bong out of your garden hose rather than use it for something illegal such as watering the garden.

5. You understand that the phrase 'a group of women wearing black thongs' refers to footwear and may be less alluring than it sounds.

6. You pronounce Melbourne as 'Mel-bin'. (Or Melb'n.)

7. You believe the 'L' in the word 'Australia' is optional.

8. You can translate: 'Dazza and Shazza played Acca Dacca on the way to Maccas.'

9. You believe it makes perfect sense for a nation to decorate its highways with large fibreglass bananas, prawns and sheep.

10. You call your best friend 'a total ba$tard' but someone you really, truly despise is just 'a bit of a ba$tard'.

11. You think 'Woolloomooloo' is a perfectly reasonable name for a place.

12. You're secretly proud of our killer wildlife.

13. You believe it makes sense for a country to have a $1 coin that's twice as big as its $2 coin.

14. You understand that 'Wagga Wagga' can be abbreviated to 'Wagga' but 'Woy Woy' can't be called 'Woy'.

15. You believe that cooled-down axle grease makes a good breakfast spread.

16. You believe all famous Kiwis are actually Australian, until they stuff up, at which point they again become Kiwis.

17. You know, whatever the tourist books say, that no one says 'cobber'.

18. You know that certain words must, by law, be shouted out during any rendition of the Angels' song Am I Ever Gonna See Your Face Again.

19. You believe, as an article of faith, that the confectionery known as the Wagon Wheel has become smaller with every passing year.

20. You still don't get why the 'Labor' in 'Australian Labor Party' is not spelt with a 'u'.

21. You wear ugg boots outside the house.

22. You believe that the more you shorten someone's name the more you like them.

23. You understand that 'excuse me' can sound rude, while 'scuse me' is always polite.

24. You know what it's like to swallow a fly, on occasion via your nose.

25. You understand that 'you' has a plural and that it's 'youse'.

26. You know it's not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to handle.

27. Your biggest family argument over the summer concerned the rules for beach cricket.

28. You shake your head in horror when companies try to market what they call 'Anzac cookies'.

29. You still think of Kylie as 'that girl off Neighbours'.

30. When returning home from overseas, you expect to be brutally strip-searched by Customs - just in case you're trying to sneak in fruit.

31. You get choked up with emotion by the first verse of the national anthem and then have trouble remembering the second.

32. You find yourself ignorant of nearly all the facts deemed essential in the government's new test for migrants.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Schnerby on October 03, 2009, 12:28:14 AM
Uh, I, scored really, really high on this test.

I only missed Kylie because I'm too young to have seen her on Neighbours.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: George on October 03, 2009, 02:02:56 AM
Yeah, I missed that one too, Schnerbs. I don't think of Kylie!
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: AMonk on October 03, 2009, 06:54:12 AM
You know you're Australian if.....

1. You know the meaning of the word 'girt'....
5. You understand that the phrase 'a group of women wearing black thongs' refers to footwear and may be less alluring than it sounds....
20. You still don't get why the 'Labor' in 'Australian Labor Party' is not spelt with a 'u'....
23. You understand that 'excuse me' can sound rude, while 'scuse me' is always polite....
26. You know it's not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to handle....
29. You still think of Kylie as 'that girl off Neighbours'....
31. You get choked up with emotion by the first verse of the national anthem and then have trouble remembering the second.


I get these ones.  Does that make me "part-Ozzie", or "just another British colonial"? :wtf:
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Schnerby on October 03, 2009, 07:57:28 AM
Colonial.  ahahahahah

Although it's just as likely a Bermudan (is that the right word?) will know the second verse of the Australian anthem as the Average Aussie.

And yes, I do know it. We sang both verses every Monday at school.  ahahahahah
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Day Dreamer on October 03, 2009, 12:17:03 PM
Why did they make you sing "Dancing Matilda" at school every Monday?   uuuuuuuuuu
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: teacheraus on October 03, 2009, 12:31:17 PM
An Australian knows that the National Anthem isn't Waltzing Matilda because we know all the words of it, unlike the real National Anthem.  I learnt the words to the second verse while teaching at a school that sang both verses once a week at assembly.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Day Dreamer on October 03, 2009, 01:49:59 PM
the National Anthem isn't Waltzing Matilda?

My bad  bibibibibi
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Lotus Eater on October 03, 2009, 03:05:11 PM
Blimey, can you imagine what the poor Chinese would do if, every time I was asked to teach them a song, I taught them Advance Australia Fair?  Waltzing Matilda is a so much better song to teach them!  (And the only other song I know all the way through is "What do you do with a drunken sailor?")
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Schnerby on October 03, 2009, 05:34:34 PM
The national anthem? They'd have the same problem as most Aussie kids. What is 'girt?'  ahahahahah

Waltzing Matilda is a much better option. I'll take sheep rustling and suicide to escape the police over making this commonwealth of ours renowned amongst all the lands.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Lotus Eater on October 03, 2009, 09:02:17 PM
Much more fun, and definitely in keeping with our tradition of independence and wealth sharing, our distrust of authority and unearned 'aristocracy'!!   dddddddddd dddddddddd cccccccccc cccccccccc



Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: teacheraus on October 04, 2009, 01:43:22 AM
And it is a much better song to teach students ... even if they do find it hard to understand at first
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: AMonk on October 04, 2009, 02:15:39 AM
....... What is 'girt?'  ahahahahah

"Girt" is used as an adjective to indicate "an object of immense size", e.g. "China is a girt big country! "










Colonial.  ahahahahah

Although it's just as likely a Bermudan (is that the right word?) will know the second verse of the Australian anthem as the Average Aussie.

"Native" colonials from BDA are termed "Bermudian" cfcfcfcfcf
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: George on October 04, 2009, 02:36:28 AM
Quote
Girt" is used as an adjective to indicate "an object of immense size"
Nah! I think you mean "grate"...as in "China is a grate big country".
Girt is short for Girtrude.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: AMonk on October 04, 2009, 03:10:05 AM
Quote
Girt" is used as an adjective to indicate "an object of immense size"
Nah! I think you mean "grate"...as in "China is a grate big country".
Girt is short for Girtrude.

Nah....I got it right.ahahahahah

"Grate" is what ya duz ta cheez. 

"Gert" is short form of Gert-rude.

But I still luvs ya, George akakakakak
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: George on October 04, 2009, 03:15:19 AM
Quote
"Grate" is what ya duz ta cheez. 
Oh, I get it. Yer putz da cheez in da grate and litze da fire....to meltz da cheez!
Wasn't John Wayne in a movie called "True Girt"??
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Lotus Eater on October 04, 2009, 03:22:19 AM
WRONG!!  As the guru says GIRT is actually the FT version of the Chinese word Geda.  As in  Ta geda hen da.  他疙大很大
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: old34 on October 04, 2009, 03:23:41 AM
Quote
"Grate" is what ya duz ta cheez. 
Oh, I get it. Yer putz da cheez in da grate and litze da fire....to meltz da cheez!
Wasn't John Wayne in a movie called "True Girt"??

No, it was "Ture Grit"  ahahahahah ahahahahah

P.S. Why do Chinese students ALWAYS (well, 98.7% of the time) spell "true"as "ture"?
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Schnerby on October 04, 2009, 04:43:18 AM
WRONG!!  As the guru says GIRT is actually the FT version of the Chinese word Geda.  As in  Ta geda hen da.  他各大很大

 ahahahahah ahahahahah

Either that or I'm totally misinterpreting 因为我喝最了。我有三伏特加酒, well I did until I got at them. Half a bottle magically disappeared and took my ability to write Chinese with it. I can still speak ok, though. Sign I should go and chat to the locals me thinks.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Lotus Eater on October 04, 2009, 04:56:05 AM
Sorry - wrong ge!  

I'll blame my 3 beers! 
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Schnerby on October 04, 2009, 05:32:15 AM
What excuse to I have?

Oh yes, 伏特加酒。

Now, to McDonalds!

Why am I going? No idea. I am a vegetarian so I eat a small proportion of the menu anyway. Mates are there so off I go.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: latefordinner on October 04, 2009, 07:06:59 AM
Wunce a jolly George-i-o camped out by the saloon
where all the degenerate expats did imbibe
And he grated his parmesan into a grate big can and said
you'll come a meltin' m'cheez, oh, with me
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: George on October 04, 2009, 11:03:01 AM
 aaaaaaaaaa Eeeuww! That's awful!! kkkkkkkkkk kkkkkkkkkk

Once a late for dinner, camped outside a restaurant
Close by the back door, right near their rubbish bins
And he smirked as he watched and waited for the garbage run
This is the best place to get free din-dins.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: latefordinner on October 04, 2009, 03:14:20 PM
Once a jolly George did climb into the very rubbish bin
And beg latefor to leave some leftovers for him.
Late raised up his glass and he drank his friend's health and said,
"Here's to a total ba$tard" (in the kindest way)
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: George on October 04, 2009, 03:25:07 PM
 aaaaaaaaaa  aaaaaaaaaa My God! That's worser!! No rhythm, no scan, no rhyme, no nothing!!

Once a jolly Georgie, wrote a song 'bout dinnerman
Using his famous musicality
And the dinnerman sang as he waited for the dessert bin
Bring me melted icecream and pink jelly
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Day Dreamer on October 04, 2009, 11:18:00 PM
A woman walks into a Wal-Mart store's service counter and told the attendant behind the counter she wanted a refund for the item she bought because it didn't work. The clerk told her that he can't give her a refund because when she had bought it, it was on special.

Suddenly, the woman threw her arms up in the air and started screaming,
"PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES!"

The stunned clerk quickly ran away to get the store manager in front of a growing crowd of customers. The manager comes to the woman who is quite calm now and asks, "Madam what' s wrong?"

She quietly and casually explained the problem with the item. unfortunately, he too told her that the store can't give her a refund because she had bought it on special.

Once again, the woman quickly threw her arms up in the air and screamed,
"PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES!"

Of course, this draws an even bigger crowd than before!

In shock, the store manager asked her, "Lady, please lower your voice and for the Love of God, why are you saying that?"

In a hushed voice, the woman says,

"BECAUSE, I LIKE TO HAVE MY NIPPLES PINCHED WHEN I'M BEING SCREWED!"

The crowd applauded and she was refunded her money
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Day Dreamer on October 04, 2009, 11:35:36 PM
One day, farmer Brown went to town to pick up supplies. First, he stopped by the hardware store and picked up a bucket and an anvil. Then, he stopped by the livestock dealer to buy a couple of chickens and a goose. Now he realized he had a problem as how to carry all of his purchases home.

The dealer said, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket and carry it in one hand, the goose in your other hand and put a chicken under each arm?"

"Hey, thanks, good idea!" said farmer Brown. While going home, he met a sweet little lady who told him she was lost. "Can you tell me how to get to 99 Maple Tree Route?"

The farmer said, "Sure thing as I live at 77 Maple Tree Route. Let's take my short cut and go down this alley, it'll be faster."

The sweet little lady said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and sexually ravish me for hours and hours?"

The farmer said, "Are you kidding! I'm carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"

The lady said, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: George on October 08, 2009, 06:12:13 PM
A letter home from an Army recruit.


Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the station - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody horses to get in, no calves to feed, no troughs to clean - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!

At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or goanna stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the bullock paddock!!

This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody dingo's arse and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of piss!! You don't even load your own cartridges, they comes in little boxes, and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!

Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.
Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.

I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.

Your loving daughter,

Sheila
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Bugalugs on October 08, 2009, 06:18:37 PM
Hahhaha I like that one :)
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Schnerby on October 08, 2009, 06:19:05 PM
 ahahahahah
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: dragonsaver on October 08, 2009, 06:19:25 PM
Ya George that was a good one.  ahahahahah
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Day Dreamer on October 09, 2009, 01:25:06 AM
And you wonder why your population is so low. Whether she says yes or no, she'll kick your ass!   ahahahahah
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: latefordinner on October 09, 2009, 05:12:03 AM
 ahahahahah  ahahahahah  ahahahahah
Love that one, George. Reminds me of Kevin Bloody Wilson and "The Kid, He Swears a Little Bit"
"And if you want to know who runs this show, f***in' me!"
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Bugalugs on October 20, 2009, 02:55:23 AM
A Horse and a Chicken
A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's Mercedes back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking!

A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, "Grab for my 'thingy' and pull yourself up." And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.

The moral of the story: If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes to pick up chicks.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Bugalugs on October 20, 2009, 03:09:39 AM
Virus Definitions
THE GEORGE BUSH Virus...

(Causes your computer to think it won the election, even though the motherboard and fatherboard bought it.)


THE AL GORE Virus...

(Causes your computer to just keep counting.)


THE CLINTON Virus...

(Gives you a 7-Inch Hard Drive with NO memory.)


THE BOB DOLE (AKA: VIAGRA) virus...

(Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.)


THE LEWINSKY virus...

(Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then emails everyone about what it did.)


THE RONALD REAGAN virus...

(Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.)


THE JESSE JACKSON virus...

(Warns you constantly about illegitimate file reproduction, while illegitimately reproducing files in the background.)


THE MIKE TYSON virus...

(Quits after two bytes.)


THE OPRAH WINFREY virus...

(Your 300 MB hard drive shrinks to 100 MB, then slowly expands to re-stabilize around 200mb.)


THE JACK KEVORKIAN virus...

(Deletes all old files.)


THE PROZAC virus...

(Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care.)


THE JOEY BUTTAFUOCO virus...

(Only attacks minor files.)


THE ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER virus...

(Terminates some files, leaves, but will be back.)



And last but not least....

THE LORENA BOBBITT virus...

(Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy, then discards it through Windows.)
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Bugalugs on October 20, 2009, 03:34:43 AM
The TRUE story of Cinderella
Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her. As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball but only on TWO conditions...

" First you must wear a diaphragm "

Cinderella agrees, " What's the second condition? "

" You must be home by 2 a.m. Any later and your diaphragm will turn into a PUMPKIN "

Cinderella agrees to be home by 2 a.m. The appointed hour comes and goes and Cinderella doesn't show up. FINALLY at 5 a.m. Cinderella shows up, looking love-struck and **VERY** satisfied.

" Where have you been? " demands the fairy godmother " Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin 3 hours ago!!! "

" I met a prince fairy godmother. He took care of everything "

" I know of no prince with that kind of power! Tell me his name! "

" I cannot remember exactly.... Peter Peter, something or other... "
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Bugalugs on October 23, 2009, 07:10:24 PM
My Dear Wife,

You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel.

Please don't be upset - I shall be home before midnight.


When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:


My Dear Husband,

I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old. As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of Math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference - 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.

Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Sir Fudge Loving on October 24, 2009, 01:17:01 PM
Which two Americans were shot in theaters?

Abraham Lincoln and the guy sitting in front of Pee Wee Herman. ababababab
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Pashley on October 24, 2009, 06:52:52 PM
The interview afterward:

So tell us, Mrs Lincoln, other than the unpleasantness during the second act, what did you think of the show?
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Day Dreamer on October 25, 2009, 12:12:51 AM
What do you call a punch drunk Japanese sailor whose father has disentery?

A slap-happy Jappy with a crap-happy pappy   bjbjbjbjbj
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Day Dreamer on October 25, 2009, 12:16:59 AM
Q: What's the difference between a great circus and a row of beautiful naked blondes?










Wait for it,











A: One is an array of cunning stunts . . .

 bibibibibi
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: old34 on October 25, 2009, 03:57:05 AM
And the other?  A cascade of sunning aunts? (You didn't specify their age)
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Day Dreamer on October 25, 2009, 04:10:02 AM
You are very clever with words, quite the cunning linguist
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Pashley on October 25, 2009, 04:35:22 AM
Ireland, Saint Patrick's Day morning. Some are celebrating, some in church, some sleeping off the previous night's celebrations, and so on. Our hero, however, is out on the golf links getting in a round while it is quiet. This lad is really a dedicated golfer.

As I heard it, this was a very long story with much dialog in a Canadian's notion of an Irish accent, full of "sure and bigorra" and such. I'll give the short version.

When he drops his putt into the seventh hole, he hears a curse and a leprecaun's head pops out of the hole. He quickly reaches down and captures it. Of course, the leprechaun promises to grant a wish if he lets him loose. Our lad wants to be a better golfer. OK.

Next year, already the county champion, he's back, catches the leprechaun again, wants to be an even better golfer. The leprechaun tells him there might be side effects, but our lad considers golf too important to trifle with. The wish is granted.

Next year, champion of Ireland, he's back, wants the same wish again. The leprechaun says he cannot do it, the side effects might be too severe.

What side effects?
It might ruin your love life. Can you not see the effects already?
No, not at all.
Well, tell me then, how many times did you make love in the last month?
Twice.
Twice! A big strong lad like you, and handsome with it? That's dreadful.
Well, for a priest in a small parish with no car, it's not bad.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: old34 on October 25, 2009, 04:51:06 AM
You are very clever with words, quite the cunning linguist

No. I just know a lot of words.

As for cunning linguists, most focus on the liquids and glides; it's the fricatives that are key, IMHO.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: AMonk on October 25, 2009, 06:15:16 AM
Well, for a priest in a small parish with no car, it's not bad.


 cbcbcbcbcb cbcbcbcbcb bkbkbkbkbk bkbkbkbkbk axaxaxaxax
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: DaDan on October 25, 2009, 10:07:02 AM
One day a mother was out and a dad was in charge of a little girl.
she was maybe 3 years old, and someone had given her a little
'tea set' as a gift. It was one of her favorite toys.

Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening
news when she brought him a little cup of 'tea', which was just water.
After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such
yummy tea, the Mom came home.
the Dad made her sit quietly in another room,
so she could watch the young daughter bring dad the
cup of tea, because I was so cute.

Mom waited, and sure enough, she came walking down the
hall with a cup of tea for Daddy.
Mom watched dad drink from the tea cup.

Then she said, (as only a mother would know... 
'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?'
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Bugalugs on October 27, 2009, 04:05:36 PM
The Van Gogh's
After much careful research, it has been discovered that the artist Vincent Van Gogh had many relatives. Among them were:

His dizzy aunt - Verti Gogh

The brother who ate prunes - Gotta Gogh

The brother who worked at a convenience store - Stopn Gogh

The grandfather from Yugoslavia - U Gogh

The brother who bleached his clothes white - Hue Gogh

The cousin from Illinois - Chica Gogh

His magician uncle - Wherediddy Gogh

His Mexican cousin - Amee Gogh

The Mexican cousin's American half-brother - Grin Gogh

The nephew who drove a stage coach - Wellsfar Gogh

The constipated uncle - Cant Gogh

The ballroom dancing aunt - Tan Gogh

The bird lover uncle - Flamin Gogh

His nephew psychoanalyst - E Gogh

The fruit loving cousin - Man Gogh

An aunt who taught positive thinking - Wayto Gogh

The little bouncy nephew - Poe Gogh

A sister who loved disco - Go Gogh

His Italian uncle - Day Gogh

And his niece who travels the country in a van - Winnie Bay Gogh
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Day Dreamer on October 27, 2009, 05:26:51 PM
I'd love to talk about this, but I don't have time and I'm leaving,

Signed me,

Imust Gogh
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Yokie Kuma on October 27, 2009, 07:47:36 PM
A doctor, a lawyer, a engineer, and a priest were golfing.  The four-some in front of them were very very slow.  So they bitched to the course Marshall to get them sped up.

The Marshall said those are the blind firemen who rescued all the kids from the burning orphanage.  They golf once per week for free (since they cannot work any more and have no salaries).

"That's terrible" said the priest "I'll pray for them".

"That's terrible" said the lawyer "Maybe we can sue and get them some money"

"That's terrible" said the doctor "Maybe I know a doctor or surgeon who can get their eyesight back"

"That's terrible" said the engineer "Why don't they golf at night?"
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: AMonk on October 27, 2009, 10:54:21 PM
"Why don't they golf at night?"

 bibibibibi Of course!! llllllllll axaxaxaxax axaxaxaxax


Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Pashley on October 28, 2009, 01:35:54 AM
A fellow is out at a bar, trying to pick up women half his age, without much success. C'est la vie. However, there's one lass who does seem interested. She's 40-odd, not quite what he had in mind but not unattractive either. After a few more beers, some cuddling and a few kisses, she's very attractive indeed.

She: Have you ever had the Sportsman's double?
He:  Dunno. What's that?
She: Mother and daughter on the same night.
He:  Nope, I've never done that.
She: Would you like to?
He:  Sure, sounds great.
She: Good. Let's head for my place.

There is more kissing and some fondling in the car; by the time they reach her place both of them are fairly excited.

As they come in, she yells up the stairs "Mom? You awake?" 
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Bugalugs on October 28, 2009, 08:10:39 PM
Sisters of Mercy
A man is driving down a deserted highway, and notices a sign that reads..

SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - 10 MILES

He thinks it was a figment of his imagination - and drives on. Soon, he sees another sign which says..

SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - 5 MILES

Realizing these signs are for real, he drives on, and sure enough, there is a third..

SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him, and he pulls into the driveway. On the far side of the parking lot, is a somber stone building with a sign on the door that reads..

SISTERS OF MERCY

He climbs the steps, rings the bell, and the door is answered by a nun in a long black habit, who asks, "What may we do for you my son?" "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing some business," he answers. "Very well, my son. Please follow me," says the nun.

He is led through many winding passages, and soon he is very disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, "Please, knock on this door" and leaves.

The man does as he is told, and this door is opened by another nun in a long black habit, holding a tin cup. This nun instructs: "Please place $50.00 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway." He places the money in this nun's tin cup. He trots eagerly down the hallway, and slips through the door, pulling it shut.

As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign: "Go in Peace. You have just been screwed by the Sisters of Mercy."
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Yokie Kuma on October 28, 2009, 09:49:41 PM

As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign: "Go in Peace. You have just been screwed by the Sisters of Mercy."




Any idea if this place is in China?  Maybe Shenzhen?  I have these memories .....
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Bugalugs on October 29, 2009, 12:27:04 AM
POLITICALLY CORRECT
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT


He does not have a BEER GUT - He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY

He is not a BAD DANCER - He is RHYTHMICALLY CAUCASIAN

He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME - He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS

He is not BALDING - He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION

He is not a CRADLE ROBBER - He prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS

He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK -He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL

He does not act like a TOTAL ASS - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION

He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG - He has SWINE EMPATHY

He is not afraid of COMMITMENT - He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED



HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT


She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED AMERICAN.

She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER - She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.

She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.

She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.

She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.

She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.

She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.

She is not HORNY - She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.

She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.

She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE

She is not a SLUT - She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.

She does not have MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS - She is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.

She is not a TWO-BIT WHORE - She is a LOW COST PROVIDER.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Day Dreamer on October 29, 2009, 01:35:06 AM
What's the difference between a slut and a bitch?



A slut will fuck anybody, but a bitch will fuck anybody but YOU!
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Stil on October 30, 2009, 03:30:20 PM
Why men don't write advice columns

Dear Walter:       
I hope you can help me here.  The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. 
I walked back home to get my husband's help.  When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes.  He was in the bedroom with a neighbor lady making mad passionate love to her.  I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that he'd been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him anymore.       
Can you please help?       
Sincerely,       
Mrs. Sheila Usk       


Dear Sheila:       
A  car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber.       
I hope this helps.   

Walter
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Day Dreamer on October 30, 2009, 05:31:15 PM
What's the problem? Walter is right!
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Ruth on October 30, 2009, 06:15:00 PM
What's the problem? Walter is right!
Said a MAN  bibibibibi
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Day Dreamer on October 31, 2009, 04:30:19 AM
Said a MAN  bibibibibi

Ya knows it baby
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Bugalugs on November 01, 2009, 12:59:02 AM
A Good Pun Is Its Own Reward


Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery.

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.

My wife really likes to make pottery, but to me it's just kiln time.

Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way.

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

I used to be a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.

If electricity comes from electrons... does that mean that morality comes from morons?

A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Corduroy pillows are making headlines.

Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: becster79 on November 03, 2009, 06:49:59 PM
I am sssssssssooooooooooooo going to get into trouble for this, but here goes...

THE ADULT LEARNING CENTRE

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED
by November 30, 2009

NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM


Class 1

How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays – Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM


Class 2

The Toilet Paper Roll – Does It Change Itself?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours..


Class 3

Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub? – Group Practice.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.


Class 4

Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor – Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks..


Class 5

Dinner Dishes – Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM


Class 6

Loss Of Identity – Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other.
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM


Class 7

Learning How To Find Things – Starting With Looking In The Right Places And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.
Open Forum
Monday at 8:00 PM for 2 hours.


Class 8

Health Watch – Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health.
Graphics and Audio Tapes.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.


Class 9

Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost – Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined


Class 10

Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks?
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturdays noon for 2 hours.


Class 11

Learning to Live--Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.
Online Classes and role-playing
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined


Class 12

How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion
Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM


Class 13

How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy – Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.


Class 14

The Stove/Oven – What It Is and How It Is Used.
Live Demonstration.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: latefordinner on November 03, 2009, 08:59:33 PM
I'm proud to say that my wife doesn't need lessons on how to sit quietly while I park the car. I don't drive any more. Our Saturday afternoons are free for trips to the Canadian Tire store
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Escaped Lunatic on November 03, 2009, 09:29:29 PM
I'm definitely going to try to talk my wife into taking Class 7 as soon as I'm back in the USA.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Stil on November 04, 2009, 12:20:14 AM
Class 1

How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays – Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM


Meh, don't need this class. I drink beer

Quote
Class 2

The Toilet Paper Roll – Does It Change Itself?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours..


It does change itself. You just have to be patient

Quote
Class 3

Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub? – Group Practice.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.
 

Why isn't the seat up?

Quote
Class 4

Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor – Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks..


Again patience is required as it eventually goes into the hamper on it's own

Quote
Class 5

Dinner Dishes – Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM
 

What dinner dishes? Someone needs to take a cooking class.

Quote
Class 6

Loss Of Identity – Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other.
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM


Significant other doesn't know how to operate the remote properly. Maybe she needs a class.

Quote
Class 7

Learning How To Find Things – Starting With Looking In The Right Places And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.
Open Forum
Monday at 8:00 PM for 2 hours.
 

WHERE THE HELL'S MY BEER!

Quote
Class 8

Health Watch – Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health.
Graphics and Audio Tapes.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.
 

I don't mind killing for food but how cruel is it to kill defenseless flowers, stick them in a vase and watch them rot?

Quote
Class 9

Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost – Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined


Pfff, pussies! Real men don't get lost.

Quote
Class 10

Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks?
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturdays noon for 2 hours.


Human nature to move. Have to get out of the car and run so she doesn't kill us both.

Quote
Class 11

Learning to Live--Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.
Online Classes and role-playing
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined


I know the difference. One is old and ugly. The other is older.

Quote
Class 12

How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion
Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM


The only thing you need to be the ideal shopping companion is a fat wallet

Quote
Class 13

How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy – Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.
 

Birthdays and anniversaries are important dates?

Call who? I already know I will late.

Quote
Class 14

The Stove/Oven – What It Is and How It Is Used.
Live Demonstration.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.
 

Pot meet kettle... Kettle ...pot.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Bugalugs on November 05, 2009, 07:43:44 PM
Top Eight Sex Jokes
# 8

A young man walks up and sits down at the bar.

"What can I get you?" the bartender inquires.

"I want 6 shots of Jagermeister," responded the young man.

"6 shots?!? Are you celebrating something?"

"Yeah, my first blowjob."

"Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house."

"No offense, sir. But if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing will."



# 7

A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman.. They exchange brief hellos and he notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replies, "This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It identifies that American Indians have the longest average penis and Polish men have the biggest average diameter. By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?" He coolly replies, "Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you."



# 6

One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says: "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear: "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"



# 5

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.

"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.

"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?" "Oh, Bill, you didn't."

"Yes, I did."

"My God, Bill, what happened?"

"I got fired."

"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"

"Oh...she got fired too."



# 4

A man was visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a coma for several years. On this visit he decides to rub her left breast instead of just talking to her. On doing this she lets out a sigh. The man runs out and tells the doctor who says this is a good sign and suggests he should try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any reaction. The man goes in and rubs her right breast and this brings a moan from his wife. He rushes out and tells the doctor. The doctor says this is amazing and is a real break through. The doctor then suggests the man should go in and try oral sex, saying he will wait outside as it is a personal act and he doesn't want the man to be embarrassed. The man goes in then comes out about five minutes later, white as a sheet and tells the doctor his wife is dead. The doctor asks what happen to which the man replies: "She choked."



# 3

A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink." The crowd murmured their approval.

The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.

The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try". A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A woman timidly spoke up.

"I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle".



# 2

A small white guy goes into an elevator, when he gets in he notices a huge black dude standing next to him. The big black dude looks down upon the small white guy and says: "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, Turner Brown" The small white guy faints !! The big black dude picks up the small white guy and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him and asks the small white guy. "What's wrong?". The small white guy says; "Excuse me but what did you say?". The big black dude looks down and says "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, my name is Turner Brown." The small white guy says, "Thank god, I thought you said ‘Turn around.'"



# 1

This one made it No.1 in just 1 day!

Q) What did Bill Gates' wife say to him on their wedding night?

A) "Now I know why you named your company Microsoft!"
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Bugalugs on November 05, 2009, 07:48:14 PM
Dark and Stormy Night
For all you lovers of good writing:

This year's winners of the Bulwer-Lytton contest, AKA Dark and Stormy Night Contest. These are the 10 winners of this year's Bulwer-Lytton contest (run by the English Dept. of San Jose State University), wherein one writes only the first line of a bad novel:


10) "As a scientist, Throckmorton knew that if he were ever to break wind in the echo chamber, he would never hear the end of it."


9) "Just beyond the Narrows, the river widens."


8) "With a curvaceous figure that Venus would have envied, a tanned, unblemished oval face framed with lustrous thick brown hair, deep azure-blue eyes fringed with long black lashes, perfect teeth that vied for competition, and a small straight nose, Marilee had a beauty that defied description."


7) "Andre, a simple peasant, had only one thing on his mind as he crept along the East wall: 'Andre creep... Andre creep... Andre creep.'"


6) "Stanislaus Smedley, a man always on the cutting edge of narcissism, was about to give his body and soul to a back alley sex-change surgeon to become the woman he loved."


5) "Although Sarah had an abnormal fear of mice, it did not keep her from eeking out a living at a local pet store."


4) "Stanley looked quite bored and somewhat detached, but then penguins often do."


3) "Like an over-ripe beefsteak tomato rimmed with cottage cheese, the corpulent remains of Santa Claus lay dead on the hotel floor."


2) "Mike Hardware was the kind of private eye who didn't know the meaning of the word 'fear'; a man who could laugh in the face of danger and spit in the eye of death - in short, a moron with suicidal tendencies."



AND THE WINNER IS...

1) "The sun oozed over the horizon, shoved aside darkness, crept along the greensward, and, with sickly fingers, pushed through the castle window, revealing the pillaged princess, hand at throat, crown asunder, gaping in frenzied horror at the sated, sodden amphibian lying beside her, disbelieving the magnitude of the frog's deception, screaming madly, 'You lied!"
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Day Dreamer on November 06, 2009, 05:06:42 AM
Those were really funny bugs, especially 8, 9, and 10

Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Bugalugs on November 06, 2009, 05:18:38 AM
Thanks DD, here is another for your enjoyment.

Her Story, His Story
Girl and boy are having a relationship of about four months now. One Friday night they meet at a bar after work. They stay for a few, then go on to get some food at a local restaurant near their respective houses. They eat, then go back to his house and she stays over.

Her story:

Well Ed was in an odd mood when I got to the bar, I thought it might have been because I was a bit late but he didn't say anything much about it, but the conversation was quite slow going so I thought we should go off somewhere more intimate so we could talk more privately, so we go to this restaurant and he's still a bit funny and I'm trying to cheer him up and start to wonder whether it's me or something so I ask him and he says no but you know I'm not really sure, so anyway, in the cab back to his house I say that I love him and he just puts his arm around me and I don't know what the hell that means because you know he doesn't say it back or anything so when we get back to his I'm wondering if he's going off me and so I try to ask him about it but he just switches on the TV and so I say I'm going to go to sleep and then after about 10 minutes he joins me and we have sex, but he seemed really distracted and so afterwards just want to leave and I dunno I just don't know what he thinks anymore, I mean, do you think he's met someone else???"

His story:

"Shit day at work. Great lay later."
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Bugalugs on November 06, 2009, 05:32:38 AM
Brian's Bad Day
Gives the words "bad day" a whole new perspective...

Brian is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers out of Louisiana and performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an email he sent to his sister. She sent it to Laughline and won a contest (he wasn't thrilled with her for that one).

Hi Sue,

Just another note from your bottom dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all.

Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wetsuit. This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of junk sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temp. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a good plan and I've used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is I take the hose and stuff it down the back of my neck. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a jacuzzi.

Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my ass started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my ass started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened.

The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. This is even worse than the poison ivy you once had under a cast. Now I had that hose down my back. I don't have any hair on my back, so the jellyfish couldn't get stuck to my back. My ass crack was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into my ass.

I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he along with 5 other divers were laughing hysterically. Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make 3 agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling 35 minutes before I could come to the surface for my chamber dry decompression. I got to the surface wearing nothing but my brass helmet. My suit and gear were tied to the bell. When I got on board, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to shove it "up my ass" when I get in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't shit for two days because my asshole was swollen shut. I later found out that this could easily have been prevented if the suction hose was placed on the leeward side of the ship.

Anyway, the next time you have a bad day at the office, think of me. Think about how much worse your day would be if you were to shove a jellyfish up your ass. I hope you have no bad days at the office. But if you do, I hope this will make things more tolerable.

Take care, and I hope to hear from you soon.

Brian
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Day Dreamer on November 06, 2009, 06:26:08 AM
You say "a jellyfish up your ass" like its a bad thing.


Any whooo,

I saw a cartoon where a young couple were in bed screwing like sex starved bunnies.

The woman is thinking to herself, "What a lousy relationship, all we ever do is fuck"

The guy is thinking, "What an awesome relationship, all we ever do is fuck"
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: latefordinner on November 07, 2009, 04:09:09 AM
You think a jellyfish up yer ass is bad? You should have the boss I had back in '81...
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Bugalugs on November 07, 2009, 04:11:00 AM
I wasn't even BORN in '81 :D

agagagagag
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Schnerby on November 08, 2009, 05:25:53 AM
Yeah, nor was I. I hear nothing interesting happened prior to Bugs and I being about, so let's just wipe the slate.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: George on November 09, 2009, 01:10:50 AM
    


1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"Well, It's Not Unusual."

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"

13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!".

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Pashley on November 09, 2009, 03:03:49 AM
it is Mongooses.....I Wiki'd it....

(yet another English rule that doesn't work! We're teaching this?)

Polygoose.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Pashley on November 09, 2009, 03:15:34 AM

What's the difference between a musician and a large Domino's pizza?
A large Domino's pizza CAN feed a family of four

How many engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
1) "Is that an analog bulb or a digital bulb?"
2) "It's in the manual, You DID READ THE MANUAL, DIDN'T YOU?"
3) "That's visual. I only do audio"

What do you call a drummer with no girlfiend?
Homeless.

A girl who likes to hang around with rock musicians is a groupie. What do you call a guy who likes to hang around with rock musicians?
Drummer.

Why are all blonde jokes one-liners?
So the men can understand them.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Schnerby on November 09, 2009, 03:23:29 AM

Why are all blonde jokes one-liners?
So the men can understand them.


I like it  ahahahahah ahahahahah
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: old34 on November 09, 2009, 03:32:49 AM

Why are all blonde jokes one-liners?
So the men can understand them.


I like it  ahahahahah ahahahahah

什么?
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Pashley on November 09, 2009, 04:35:36 AM
It's kinda old - prerestroika era actually - but I always liked it.

A wife sends her husband out to buy some meat. ...

The man goes home empty-handed. His wife says to him, "Vladya, what's wrong, are they out of meat?"
The man says, "No, it's worse.  They're out of bullets."

I have one that is older yet. Iran, 1978. Probably the best black humour I've heard.

The first major demonstrations, and martial law crackdown, were in summer '78. We heard about them as we read the newspaper on an Amsterdam-Athens flight en route to our start-in-September jobs in Iran. Checked with Canadian embassy in Athens, who checked with Tehran, told us it was just some minor disturbances. Carter's pushing the Shah about human rights, so the Shah has put Savak (his Secret Police) on a leash, and people are getting frisky. Everything will be back to normal in a couple of weeks.

We went, arrived end of August, and realised we'd walked into something weird the first night. There's a ten o'clock curfew, soldiers on the street to enforce it. Around 10:15, a couple of uniformed cops in a marked police car appear. They are stopped at gunpoint, held a while, taken away in a jeep.

We bailed Jan 11, two days ahead of the Shah. Everything between arrival and bailing out was pretty weird. The first two sentences I learned in Persian were "Don't shoot!" and "I am not American". I like China better; first one I learned here was "ni hen mei".

This joke went the rounds in October or November. Hearing it was what made me realise the Shah was going to fall.

Scene is the maidan, big square downtown with the bazaar, a palace and the main mosque on various sides. There's a squad of soldiers standing around looking bored, and quite a few people circulating. Suddenly, a private down on the end swings his rifle up and blows away a pedestrian.

The sergeant rushes over,"Ali, what did you do that for? Curfew's not until 10 o'clock and it's only ten to."

"Sarge, he's my next door neighbor. It would take him half an hour to walk home from here."
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Bugalugs on November 09, 2009, 11:53:39 PM
A blonde goes into a restaurant and notices there's a "peel and win" sticker on her coffee cup. So she peels it off and starts screaming, "I've won a motorhome! I've won a motorhome!"

The waitress says, "That's impossible. The biggest prize is a free lunch."

But the blonde keeps on screaming, "I've won a motorhome! I've won a motorhome!"

Finally, the manager comes over and says, "Ma'am, I'm sorry, but you're mistaken. You couldn't have possibly won a motorhome because we didn't have that as a prize!"

The blonde says, "No, it's not a mistake. I've won a motorhome!" And she hands the ticket to the manager and HE reads "WIN A BAGEL".
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Bugalugs on November 10, 2009, 03:28:20 AM
Lewinsky Kaczynski Contest
This is from a contest on Long Island. The requirements were to use the two words Lewinsky (the Intern) and Kaczynski (the Unabomber) in a limerick. Here are the three winners:


Third place:

There once was a gal named Lewinsky Who played on a flute like Stravinsky 'Twas "Hail to the Chief" On this flute made of beef That stole the front page from Kaczynski.


Second place:

Said Clinton to young Ms. Lewinsky We don't want to leave clues like Kaczynski, Since you made such a mess, Use the hem of your dress And wipe that stuff off of your chinsky.


And the winning entry:

Lewinsky and Clinton have shown What Kaczynski must surely have known: That an intern is better Than a bomb in a letter When deciding how best to be blown.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Bugalugs on November 10, 2009, 03:42:27 AM
Brain Teasers
1. A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between three rooms. The first is full of raging fires, the second is full of assassins with loaded guns, and the third is full of lions that haven't eaten in 3 years. Which room is safest for him?

2. A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him under water for over 5 minutes. Finally, she hangs him. But 5 minutes later they both go out together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together. How can this be?

3. There are two plastic jugs filled with water. How could you put all of this water into a barrel, without using the jugs or any dividers, and still tell which water came from which jug?

4. What is black when you buy it, red when you use it, and gray when you throw it away?

5. Can you name three consecutive days without using the words Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, or Sunday?

6. This is an unusual paragraph. I'm curious how quickly you can find out what is so unusual about it? It looks so plain you would think nothing was wrong with it! In fact, nothing is wrong with it! It is unusual though. Study it, and think about it, but you still may not find anything odd. But if you work at it a bit, you might find out! Try to do so without any coaching!







---scroll down for answers---







Answers:

1. The third. Lions that haven't eaten in three years are dead.

2. The woman was a photographer. She shot a picture of her husband, developed it, and hung it up to dry.

3. Freeze them first. Take them out of the jugs and put the ice in the barrel. You will be able to tell which water came from which jug.

4. The answer is Charcoal.

5. Sure you can: Yesterday, Today, and Tomorrow!

6. The letter "e", which is the most common letter in the English language, does not appear once in the long paragraph.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Bugalugs on November 10, 2009, 03:49:41 AM
Abbott & Costello in the 21st Century
ABBOTT: Fry's Electronics. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up a home office in the den, and I'm thinking of buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name is Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name is Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Does it get stuffy?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What do I see when I look out the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software that runs on Windows?

COSTELLO: No, on the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses. You know, run a business. What have you got?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommended something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: Okay, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office.

ABBOTT: Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office and it already has windows! Let's say I'm sitting at my computer, and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: If I'm writing a proposal, I'm going to need lots of words. But what program do I load?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: The Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in "office for windows?"

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue W.

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your big W if you don't give me a straight answer. Let's forget about words for a minute. What do I need if I want to watch a movie over the Internet?

ABBOTT: Real One.

COSTELLO: Maybe a real movie, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. But what do I need to watch it?

ABBOTT: Real One.

COSTELLO: If it's a long movie I'll also want to watch reels two, three and four. Can I watch reel four?

ABBOTT: Of course.

COSTELLO: Great! With what?

ABBOTT: Real One.

COSTELLO: Okay, so I'm sitting at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?

ABBOTT: You click the blue 1.

COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?

ABBOTT: The blue 1.

COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue W?

ABBOTT: Of course it is. The blue 1 is Real One. The blue W is Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: But there's three words in "office for windows!"

ABBOTT: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world.

COSTELLO: It is?

ABBOTT: Yes, although to be fair there aren't many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words.

COSTELLO: And that word is the real one?

ABBOTT: No. Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn't even part of Office.

COSTELLO: Never mind; I don't want to get started with that again. But I also need something for bank accounts, loans, and so on. What do you have to help me track my money?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: No, not really. It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What comes bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Exactly. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer at no extra charge? How much money do I get?

ABBOTT: Just one copy.

COSTELLO: I get a copy of money. Isn't that illegal?

ABBOTT: No. We have a license from Microsoft to make copies of Money.

COSTELLO: Microsoft can license you to make money?

ABBOTT: Why not? They own it.

COSTELLO: Well, it's great that I'm going to get free money, but I'll still need to track it. Do you have anything for managing your money?

ABBOTT: Managing Your Money? That program disappeared years ago.

COSTELLO: Well, what do you sell in its place?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: You sell money?

ABBOTT: Of course. But if you buy a computer from us, you get it for free.

COSTELLO: That's all very wonderful, but I'll be running a business. Do you have any software for, you know, accounting?

ABBOTT: Simply Accounting.

COSTELLO: Probably, but it might get a little complicated.

ABBOTT: If you don't want Simply Accounting, you might try M.Y.O.B.

COSTELLO: M..Y.O.B.? What does that stand for?

ABBOTT: Mind Your Own Business.

COSTELLO: I beg your pardon?

ABBOTT: No, that would be I.B.Y.P. I said M.Y.O.B.

COSTELLO: Look, I just need to do some accounting for my home business. You know--accounting? You do it with money.

ABBOTT: Of course you can do accounting with Money. But you may need more.

COSTELLO: More money?

ABBOTT: More than Money. Money can't do everything.

COSTELLO: I don't need a sermon! Okay, let's forget about money for the moment. I'm worried that my computer might...what's the word? Crash. And if my computer crashes, what can I use to restore my data?

ABBOTT: GoBack.

COSTELLO: Okay. I'm worried about my computer smashing and I need something to restore my data. What do you recommend?

ABBOTT: GoBack.

COSTELLO: How many times do I have to repeat myself?

ABBOTT: I've never asked you to repeat yourself. All I said was GoBack.

COSTELLO: How can I go back if I haven't even been anywhere? Okay, I'll go back. What do I need to write a proposal?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: But I'll need lots of words to write a proposal.

ABBOTT: No, you only need one Word-the Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: But there's three words in...Oh, never mind.

ABBOTT: Hello? Hello? Customers! Why do they always hang up on me? Oh, well. Fry's Electronics. Can I help you?
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: becster79 on November 10, 2009, 06:37:00 PM
Is this another of Raoul's job jokes? This is currently posted over at the Spoon (http://www.eslcafe.com/joblist/index.cgi?read=20468)

The Cautionary Peruvian Tale of the Last King’s Water Tester

Posted By: L & B Language School <lyb.teachers@gmail.com>
Date: Monday, 9 November 2009, at 4:03 p.m.

In my never ending quest to find the great Guerrilla Ontological Educators (GOErs) of our time, I have been remiss in pointing out the pitfalls of this noble vocation, an oversight that was brought sharply into focus the other night as I descended into the L&B Buttery. It is not uncommon for me to find that the L&B Buttery has grown to accommodate more bottles, another corridor next to the fridge, and a new pantry beside the sink. I have grown used to these things. Though I had never met the fine workers whose midnight labours create such curious corners; until last night. I was sitting by the window in the buttery, staring out at the Quay of Manc only to hear the muffled sounds of a half chant

“Waitng for Devysh KM...Waitng for Devysh KM...Waitng for Devysh KM.”

I found the pesky orators pushing back the east wall half a meter, 42 little invisible hands, fingerprinting the new paint.

“Waitng for Devysh KM...Waitng”

This turned out to be the refrain from the 42 Invisibles’ 10000 canto poetic myth cycle written in four-line ABBA stanzas of iambic tetrameter which traces their origin back a legendary GOEr of old. The cycle tells the tragic story of the Last King’s Water Tester unknowingly impregnating a water nymph in the shallows of the Quay of Manc. It seems that it was the water tester’s destiny to sire a long line of empire building poets, who were to reshape the shores into an edenic paradise. Unfortunately, with his premature withdrawal from the Quay we were left with only 42 barely visible; kneecap height logistic and construction specialists. A tragic loss for them, but a curious and joyous benefit for me and all the Bottle Washers of my lineage as we now have what could be best described as voluntary indentured service.
This being the foundation myth for my rather unorganized mythical teamsters, it also serves as a parable of sorts for BoWas and GOErs, and being of a Korzybskian mindset I find multiple orders of morals to be more useful than the Aesopian/ Aristotelian singular. Thus I present as a conclusion summary of my latest article published in Bottle Washing Quarterly:

• We leave our destinies too early.
• You are already legend, even though you may not know your part in the tale.
• Just because your myth cycle is old and long doesn’t mean that it has any particular aesthetic merit.
• You may well be destined for greatness, but if all you do us rearrange someone else’s rubbish all your life, no one will ever see you, and if they do they will look down on you.

I have been an exponent of the latter of these, as have many of the GOErs that have passed through these shores, feeling that it tends to be the secret ingredient in their secret ingredient soup (which should provide enough double negatives to satisfy those of a blacker mindset). So I continue to wash bottles for the great and the soon to be great, waiting for the next storied arrival to our shores.
Expecting:

• Letters of Marque from Higher Education Gods and Monsters
• A burning desire to rescue the EFL masses from the ankle nipping demons of subject-object confusion and fear of speaking
• Chronological currency to be spent, where things are not pretty, but are definitely good.

And offering:
• A roof overhead that does not leak.
• Fancy pieces of multi-colour paper, handed over promptly.
• An opportunity to fashion enchantments of grammatical battle and hopeful change

For further information to resolve questions, quandaries, quarrels and quests, please respond cordially (if you could) or aggressively (if you must) to:

Brandon Reece
Chief Bottle Washer
L & B Language School
Talara, Perú
lyb.teachers@gmail.com
51-73-385787

......shenme??!!
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Con ate dog on November 11, 2009, 01:28:38 AM
I was so depressed last night, I called the Suicide Hotline.

Got a freakin' call center in Kabul.

I told them I was suicidal.

They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: ArialFont on November 11, 2009, 06:37:37 AM
On a public bathroom wall:

If you watch Jaws backwards it's a movie about a shark that spits up so many people they have to build a beach.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Day Dreamer on November 12, 2009, 04:51:23 AM
Brain Teasers
1. A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between three rooms. The first is full of raging fires, the second is full of assassins with loaded guns, and the third is full of lions that haven't eaten in 3 years. Which room is safest for him?

2. A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him under water for over 5 minutes. Finally, she hangs him. But 5 minutes later they both go out together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together. How can this be?

3. There are two plastic jugs filled with water. How could you put all of this water into a barrel, without using the jugs or any dividers, and still tell which water came from which jug?

4. What is black when you buy it, red when you use it, and gray when you throw it away?

5. Can you name three consecutive days without using the words Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, or Sunday?

6. This is an unusual paragraph. I'm curious how quickly you can find out what is so unusual about it? It looks so plain you would think nothing was wrong with it! In fact, nothing is wrong with it! It is unusual though. Study it, and think about it, but you still may not find anything odd. But if you work at it a bit, you might find out! Try to do so without any coaching!







---scroll down for answers---







Answers:

1. The third. Lions that haven't eaten in three years are dead.

2. The woman was a photographer. She shot a picture of her husband, developed it, and hung it up to dry.

3. Freeze them first. Take them out of the jugs and put the ice in the barrel. You will be able to tell which water came from which jug.

4. The answer is Charcoal.

5. Sure you can: Yesterday, Today, and Tomorrow!

6. The letter "e", which is the most common letter in the English language, does not appear once in the long paragraph.

I got 2, 3, 5, & 6
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Pashley on November 12, 2009, 02:15:29 PM
On a public bathroom wall: ...

Next to the mirror in the men's room of a bar, a small sign"
"Now you know why you are going home alone tonight."
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: ArialFont on November 12, 2009, 09:41:57 PM
I apologise for this one in advance:

Johnny comes running into the living room.

"Dad! DAD!!! You wont believe what happened to me tonight! I had my first blow job!"

Dad looks a bit miffed "Uhh... that's great son, what did you think of it?"

"TASTED AWFUL!"
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: George on November 17, 2009, 11:28:23 PM
One for Raoul...
(http://www.flashasylum.com/db/files/Comics/Rob/funeral.png)
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: becster79 on November 18, 2009, 02:04:43 AM
DON'T WANT TO PAY YOUR LATE FEES?

http://www.27bslash6.com/blockbuster.html

From: David Thorne
Date: Sunday 8 November 2009 2.16pm
To: Megan Roberts
Subject: DVDs

Dear Megan,

Thank you for your letter regarding overdue fees. As all four movies were outstanding examples of modern cinematic masterpieces, your assumption that I would wish to retain them in my possession is understandable, but incorrect. Please check your records as these movies were returned, on time, over three weeks ago. I remember specifically driving there and having my offspring run them in due to the fact that I was wearing shorts and did not want the girl behind the counter to see my white hairy legs.

Regards, David.


From: Megan Roberts
Date: Monday 9 November 2009 11.09am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: DVDs

Hi David

Our computer system indicates otherwise. Please recheck and get back to me.

Kind regards,
Megan


From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 9 November 2009 11.36am
To: Megan Roberts
Subject: Re: Re: DVDs

Dear Megan,

Yes, they are definitely white and hairy. Viewed from the knees down, the similarity to two large albino caterpillars in parallel formation is frightening. People who knew what the word meant might describe them as 'piliferous', although there is something quite sexy about that word so perhaps they wouldn't.

Regards, David.


From: Megan Roberts
Date: Monday 9 November 2009 1.44pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: DVDs

Hi David

No I mean our records indicate that the DVDs have not been returned. Please check and return as soon as possible.

Kind regards,
Megan


From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 9 November 2009 4.19pm
To: Megan Roberts
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: DVDs

Dear Megan,

With the possible exception of Harold and Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay, the movies were not worth watching let alone stealing. In Logan's Run, for example, the computer crashed at the end when presented with conflicting facts and blew up destroying the entire city. When my computer crashes I carry on a little bit and have a cigarette while it is rebooting. I don't have to search through rubble for my loved ones. The same programmers probably designed the Blockbuster 'returned or not' database. Also, while one would assume the title Journey to the Centre of the Earth to be a metaphor, the movie was actually set in the centre of the earth which, being a solid core of iron with temperatures exceeding 4300˚ Celcius and pressures of 3900 tons per square centimetre, does not seem very likely. Waterworld was actually pretty good though. My favourite bit was when they were on the water but the scene when Kevin Costner negotiated for peace, ending the war between fish and mankind moments before the whale army attacked was also very good.

Regards, David.


From: Megan Roberts
Date: Tuesday 10 November 2009 3.57pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: DVDs

David

The DVDs are listed as not returned. If you cant locate the DVDs, you will be charged for the replacement cost.

Megan


From: David Thorne
Date: Tuesday 10 November 2009 5.12pm
To: Megan Roberts
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: DVDs

Dear Megan,

I have checked pricing at the DVD Warehouse and the cost of replacing your lost movies with new ones is as follows:

Harold and Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay $7.95
Waterworld $4.95
Journey to the Centre of the Earth $9.95
Logan's Run $12.95

I have no idea why Logan's Run is the most expensive of the four movies as it was definitely the worst. Have you seen it? I wouldn't pay $12.95 for that. I would use the money to buy a good movie instead. Probably something with Steven Seagal in it. The entire premise comprised of living a utopian and carefree lifestyle with only three drawbacks - wearing seventies jumpsuits, living in what looks like a giant shopping centre and not being allowed to live past thirty. This would seem logical though as I would not want a bunch of old people hanging around complaining about their arthritis while I am trying to relax at the shopping centre in my jumpsuit trying not to think about the computer crashing.

I was recently forced to do volunteer work at an aged care hospital. Footage of these people during Tuesday night line dancing could be used as an advertisement for the Logan's Run solution. The only good aspect of working there was that I halved their medication, pocketing and selling the remainder, explaining the computer listed that as their dose and they were welcome to check knowing their abject fear of anything produced after the eighteenth century would prevent them from doing so. I also swapped my Sanyo fourteen inch portable television for their Panasonic wide screen plasma while they were sleeping, explaining that it had always been that way and their senility was simply playing up due to the reduced dosage of drugs.

Regards, David.


From: Megan Roberts
Date: Wednesday 11 November 2009 1.21pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: DVDs

Hi David

I have not seen those movies so I dont know what you are talking about. I prefer romantic comedies. If you have the movies we can't rent them so we lose money and the fees are based on what we we would have made from renting them and we also have to purchase movies through our suppliers not from DVD Warehouse.

Megan


From: David Thorne
Date: Wednesday 11 November 2009 3.28pm
To: Megan Roberts
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: DVDs

Dear Megan,

I myself am also a huge fan of romantic comedies. Perhaps we could watch one together. I have a new Panasonic wide screen plasma. My favourite romantic comedy is Fatal Instinct although it did not contain enough robots or explosions in my opinion and I was therefore unable to truly identify with the main characters on a personal and emotional level. Recently, I was tricked into watching The Notebook which was about geese. Lots of geese. It also had something to do with an old lady who conveniently lost her memory so she could not remember being a whore throughout the entire film. I don't recall a lot of it as I was too busy being cross about watching it. In a utopian future society she would have been hunted down and killed at thirty.

In regards to the late fees, I understand the amount is based on what you lose by not being able to rent the movies out. You probably had people lined up around the block waiting to rent Logan's Run. For eighty two dollars though, I could have purchased six copies of it from DVD Warehouse or, as I have heard he is a bit strapped for cash, had Kevin Costner visit my house in person and re-enact key scenes from Waterworld in my bathroom.

Regards, David.


From: Megan Roberts
Date: Thursday 12 November 2009 3.16pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: DVDs

Hi David.
Restocking fees are:

002190382 Journey to the Centre of the Earth $9.30
003103119 Logans Run $7.90
008629103 Harold and Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay $6.30
000721082 Waterworld $5.70

Total: $29.20 - I have deleted your late fees and noted on the computer that the amount owed is for the replacement movies not fees.

Kind regards,
Megan


From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 12 November 2009 7.42pm
To: Megan Roberts
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: DVDs

Dear Megan,

Those prices seem reasonable. I do not want Logan's Run but will pick up the other three when I come in next.

Regards, David.


From: Megan Roberts
Date: Friday 13 November 2009 12.51pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: DVDs

What? The $29.20 is the cost of the replacement DVDs for the store.

Megan


From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 13 November 2009 1.15pm
To: Megan Roberts
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: DVDs

Dear Megan,

That makes more sense, I was wondering what I was going to do with two copies of each movie.

Regards, David.


From: Megan Roberts
Date: Friday 13 November 2009 2.33pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: DVDs

What do you mean by two copies? Are you saying you found the four movies?

Megan


From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 13 November 2009 2.57pm
To: Megan Roberts
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: DVDs

Dear Megan,

Yes, they were on top of my fridge the whole time. Unfortunately I have a blind spot that prevents me from seeing this area of the kitchen as it is also where I keep my pile of unpaid bills. Luckily, due to my air conditioner being broken and the outside temperature exceeding that of the centre of the earth

Last night I slept on the kitchen floor with the fridge door open due to my air conditioner being broken and the temperature outside exceeding that of the centre of the earth. As my fridge emits a high pitched 'beep' every thirty seconds when left open, the vibrations from this caused the DVDs to wriggle forward over the space of many hours before toppling from the edge and I awoke to find them beside me on the pillow. As you have already waived the late fees, I will drop them off tonight and we will call it even.

Regards, David.


From: Megan Roberts
Date: Friday 13 November 2009 3.43pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: DVDs

Ok.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Bugalugs on November 25, 2009, 12:26:00 AM
Puns for Intellectuals
1. Two vultures boarded a plane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess stops them and says "sorry sir, only one carrion per passenger."

2. NASA recently sent a number of Holsteins into orbit for experimental purposes. They called it the herd shot round the world.

3. Two boll weevils grew up in N Carolina. One took off to Hollywood and became a rich star. The other stayed in Carolina and never amounted to much-and naturally became known as the lesser of two weevils.

4. Two Eskimos in a kayak were chilly, so they started a fire, which sank the craft, proving the old adage you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

5. A three-legged dog walks into an old west saloon, slides up to the bar and announces "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

6. Did you hear about the Buddhist who went to the dentist, and refused to take Novocain? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

7. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and met in the lobby where they were discussing their recent victories in chess tournaments. The hotel manager came out of the office after an hour, and asked them to disperse. He couldn't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

8. A women has twins, gives them up for adoption. One goes to an Egyptian family and is named "Ahmal" The other is sent to a Spanish family and is named "Juan". Years later, Juan sends his birth mother a picture of himself. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. He replies, "They're twins for Pete sake!! If you've seen Juan, you've see Ahmal!"

9. A group of friars opened a florist shop to help with their belfry payments. Everyone liked to buy flowers from the Men of God, so their business flourished. A rival florist became upset that his business was suffering because people felt compelled to buy from the Friars, so he asked the Friars to cut back hours or close down. The Friars refused. The florist went to them and begged that they shut down. Again they refused. So the florist then hired Hugh McTaggert, the biggest meanest thug in town. He went to the Friars' shop, beat them up, destroyed their flowers, trashed their shop, and said that if they didn't close, he'd be back. Well, totally terrified, the Friars closed up shop and hid in their rooms. This proved that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

10. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot his whole life, which created an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him frail, and with his odd diet, he suffered from very bad breath. This made him ... what? (This is so bad it's good...) a super-callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

11. And finally... There was a man who sent 10 puns to some friends in hopes at least one of the puns would make them laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did!
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Bugalugs on November 25, 2009, 12:35:11 AM
Rules for editing your writing
Here is a new set of rules for editing your writing.


1.   Verbs HAS to agree with their subjects.

2.   Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.

3.   And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.

4.   It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.

5.   Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat)

6.   Also, always avoid annoying alliteration.

7.   Be more or less specific.

8.   Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually) unnecessary.

9.   Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.

10.   No sentence fragments.

11.   Contractions aren't necessary and shouldn't be used.

12.   Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.

13.   Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.

14.   One should NEVER generalize.

15.   Comparisons are as bad as cliches.

16.   Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.

17.   One-word sentences? Eliminate.

18.   Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.

19.   The passive voice is to be ignored.

20.   Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical words however should be enclosed in commas.

21.   Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice.

22.   Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.

23.   Understatement is always the absolute best way to put forth earth shaking ideas.

24.   Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."

25.   If you've heard it once, you've heard it a thousand times: Resist hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it correctly.

26.   Puns are for children, not groan readers.

27.   Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.

28.   Even IF a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.

29.   Who needs rhetorical questions?

30.   Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.

And the last one... 31.   Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Bugalugs on November 25, 2009, 12:40:38 AM
James Bond walks into a bar...
A very confident James Bond walks into the English bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No," he replies, "Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

Bond explains, " It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties..."

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I'm wearing panties!"

Bond smirks, taps his watch and says, "Bloody thing's an hour fast."
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: kitano on November 25, 2009, 12:54:13 AM
i went to the doctor yesterday cos i have a stomachache and he said

'you are going to have to stop masturbating'

i asked him why and he said

'because i'm trying to examine you'
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Bugalugs on November 25, 2009, 12:58:04 AM
A CHEAP HMO
TOP TEN INDICATORS THAT YOU'VE JOINED A CHEAP HMO


10. Annual breast exam conducted at Hooters.


9. Directions to your doctor's office include "take a left when you enter the trailer park."

8. Tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.


7. Only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter.


6. Only item listed under Preventive Care coverage is "an apple a day."


5. Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.


4. "Patient responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges" is not a typo.


3. The only expense that's covered 100% is embalming.


2. With your last HMO, your Prozac didn't come in different colors with little "m's" on them.



And the #1 Sign You've Joined a Cheap HMO:

1. You ask for Viagra. You get a popsicle stick and duct tape.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Escaped Lunatic on November 25, 2009, 02:39:50 AM

4. "Patient responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges" is not a typo.


Odd.  Most insurance plans I've been on seem to have that provision.   llllllllll
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Day Dreamer on November 25, 2009, 03:00:07 AM
Rules for editing your writing
Here is a new set of rules for editing your lesson plans writing.

bugs baby, you just wrote one of my lesson plans for nest week  akakakakak akakakakak akakakakak
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Bugalugs on November 26, 2009, 05:17:36 AM
Your welcome DD am glad to be of assistance



Beer Troubleshooting
SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.

FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.

ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.



SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.

FAULT: Improper bladder control.

ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training, make dog's owner buy you a beer.



SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.

FAULT: Glass empty.

ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.



SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.

FAULT: You have fallen over backward.

ACTION: Have yourself lashed to bar.



SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.

FAULT: You have fallen forward.

ACTION: See above.



SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.

FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.

ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.



SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.

FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.

ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.



SYMPTOM: Floor moving.

FAULT: You are being carried out.

ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.



SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.

FAULT: Bar has closed.

ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.



SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.

FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.

ACTION: Cover mouth.



SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.

FAULT: You are dancing on the table.

ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.



SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.

FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.

ACTION: Punch him.



SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.

FAULT: You have been in a fight.

ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.



SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.

FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party.

ACTION: See if they have free beer.



SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.

FAULT: The beer is too weak.

ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.



SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.

FAULT: Beer is just right.

ACTION: Play air guitar.



SYMPTOM: Bed unusually hard, and full of trash and cold water.

FAULT: You slept in the gutter again.

ACTION: Treat yourself to a sleep-in until the bars open again.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Bugalugs on November 26, 2009, 05:28:34 AM
Old Chinese Proverbs
Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.

Man who run in front of car get tired.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.

Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.

Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.

Man with one chopstick go hungry.

Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

Baseball wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.

Panties not best thing on earth! but next to best thing on earth.

War not determine who is right, war determine who is left.

Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.

Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.

Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

Man who fart in church sit in own pew.

Crowded elevator smell very different to midget.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: harry_aus on December 05, 2009, 06:14:41 PM
Patient: "doctor, please help me - I can't stop
singing The Green Green Grass of Home"!
Doctor: "hmmm....sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome"

Patient: "Is it common?"
Doctor:  "It's not unusual"
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: ArialFont on December 05, 2009, 10:53:41 PM
My favourite joke of all time:

What's the most difficult thing about rollerskating?


































Telling your parents you're gay.  aoaoaoaoao ababababab
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Bugalugs on December 07, 2009, 11:41:04 PM
Useful Tidbits
Next time you find yourself running dry on interesting tidbits of conversational matter ...


Most Middle Eastern countries recognize the following Islamic law: "After having sexual relations with a lamb, it is a mortal sin to eat its flesh."

In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.

In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is forbidden from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.

Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers; the sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.

The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.

There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time. Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.

In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands.

Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical fish stores.

In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens her mother must be in the room to witness the act.

In Santa Cruz, Bolivia it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.

In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises."
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: George on December 07, 2009, 11:57:35 PM
Quote
In Santa Cruz, Bolivia it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.

But one after the other, is OK!
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Day Dreamer on December 08, 2009, 03:37:43 AM
Travel list - add Guam

Note to self, strike out Bolivia
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Pashley on December 08, 2009, 03:42:27 AM
In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.

What sex was the sheep?

Why female, of course. There's nothing queer about Sir Harold!
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Pashley on December 08, 2009, 03:48:21 AM
My favorite poster, in a bar in Ottawa. I've never managed to find it for sale anywhere. If anyone does, please get me a copy.

Large poster, broken up into small squares. The caption is "The Tarts of Toronto". Most squares contain pictures of elaborately over-decorated baked goods, heavy on the whipped cream, sliced fruit, etc. The others have pictures of elaborately over-decorated women. heavy on the make-up, lace and jewellery.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Granny Mae on December 09, 2009, 03:23:38 PM
A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when Steven,a tall, exceptionally handsome, extremely sexy, middle-aged man entered.
He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him.

This seasoned yet playful heart throb noticed her overly attentive stare and
walked directly toward her. (As any man would.)
Before she could offer her apologies for staring so rudely,
he leaned over and whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything,
that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00... on one condition..."

Flabbergasted but intrigued, the woman asked what the condition was.
The man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."

The woman considered his proposition for a moment,
and then slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse,
which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address.
She looked deeply and passionately into his eyes,
barely concealing her anticipation and excitement,
and slowly and meaningfully said....
 
"Clean my house."
 

Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Escaped Lunatic on December 09, 2009, 03:51:38 PM
I was expecting kinky, but that was so sick and disgusting.  aoaoaoaoao aoaoaoaoao aoaoaoaoao
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Day Dreamer on December 10, 2009, 02:53:26 AM
Its an off shoot from Henny Youngman's act. He went through the same things where the woman seductively said, "I'll do anything for $20" Remember, this was about 40 years ago. His punchline was "I took her home and made her paint my house!"
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Pashley on December 10, 2009, 03:21:35 AM
Student/teacher version. Prof in his office, lovely young lass comes in, closes the door, acts sultry, ends up kneeling beside his chair, hand on his thigh, gazing up into his eyes, saying "You know, I'd do /anything/ to pass this course." He gazes back, "Would you ...... study?"
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Day Dreamer on December 10, 2009, 06:54:55 AM
Just to change the channel . . .

A priest and a nun were lost in a snowstorm. After a while, they came upon a small cabin. Being exhausted, they prepared to go to sleep.

There was a stack of blankets and a sleeping bag on the floor but only one bed. Being a gentleman, the priest said, Sister, you sleep on the bed. I'll sleep on the floor in the sleeping bag.

Just as he got zipped up in the bag and was beginning to fall asleep, the nun said Father, I'm cold. He unzipped the sleeping bag, got up, got the blanket, and put it on her.

Once again, he got into the sleeping bag, zipped it up and started to drift off to sleep when the nun once again said, Father, I'm still very cold. He unzipped the bag, got up again, put another blanket on her and got into the sleeping bag once again.

Just as his eyes closed, she said, Father, I'm sooooo cold. This time, he remained there and said, Sister, I have an idea. We're out here in the wilderness where no one will ever know what happened. Let's pretend we're married.

The nun said, That's fine by me.




To which the priest yelled out, get up and get your own fucking blanket!

Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: kitano on December 10, 2009, 07:03:24 AM
man goes to doctors

'doctor i think im going deaf!'

'can you describe the symptoms for me please?'

'yeah, homers bald and fat and marge has blue hair'
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: harry_aus on December 14, 2009, 02:28:20 AM
Limericks -
"The odd thing about Cecil Rhodes..."
 "Was his fondness for natterjack toads..."
 "He'd eat them alive..."
 "Sometimes three, four or five..."
"Hence his need for enormous commodes!"

and one of my own:-

"I once saw my China recruiter
ride past on her costly new scooter,

I asked for more money,
but she said "you so funny,"
"and back home you'll go, as a neuter!"
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: George on December 22, 2009, 10:56:15 AM




Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

The following questions were set in last year’s GCSE examination in England.

These are genuine answers from 16 year olds, not very bright, but entertaining, 16 year olds.



Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists
Q. How is dew formed
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire
Q. What causes the tides in the oceans
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight
Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election
Q. What are steroids
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs



Q. What happens to your body as you age
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental
Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery
Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A. Premature death
Q. What is artificial insemination
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow
Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A. Keep it in the cow
Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts – the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I, O and U
Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie
Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium
Q. Give the meaning of the term ‘Caesarean section’
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome
Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor.
Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport.
Q. What does the word ‘benign’ mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight
Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Escaped Lunatic on December 22, 2009, 04:37:32 PM
These are genuine answers from 16 year olds, not very bright, but entertaining, 16 year olds.

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A. Keep it in the cow

This one seems imminently logical.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: George on December 23, 2009, 12:25:14 AM
Co-incidentally, along similar lines, a couple of my kids today were spouting memorised lines from something, when one asked me.."John, what is Hoover Dam? It's a bad word isn't it?"
So I had to explain all about vacuum cleaners, etc.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Pashley on December 23, 2009, 02:25:04 AM
"... what is Hoover Dam? ..." So I had to explain all about vacuum cleaners, etc.

Microsoft are buying the Hoover company. Next year they will release the first Microsoft product that doesn't suck.

They also plan to purchase Pfizer Pharmaceuticals. Viagra will be re-branded as Microhard, and it ill stop working unless you buy the updates.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: AMonk on December 23, 2009, 02:59:14 AM
 ahahahahah bkbkbkbkbk ahahahahah
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: George on December 24, 2009, 08:26:27 AM

BUNDY RUM (Bundaberg Rum)... Queensland 's famous product! Forget Jamaica or any other rubbish! 
(For you o/seas people..a King Brown is one of the deadliest snakes on earth of which out of the world’s top 10, Australia has 5). 

I finally got around to going fishing this morning but after a while I ran out of worms.
Then I saw a King Brown with a frog in his mouth, and frogs are good bass bait.
Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth,
I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog and put it in my bait bucket.

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bitten.
I grabbed my bottle of Bundaberg Rum and poured a little rum in its mouth.
His eyes rolled back, he went limp, I released him into the lake without
incident, and carried on my fishing with the frog.

A little later I felt a nudge on my foot.

There was that same snake with two frogs in his mouth.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: dragonsaver on December 24, 2009, 02:19:51 PM
 bkbkbkbkbk axaxaxaxax axaxaxaxax
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Lotus Eater on December 24, 2009, 03:08:08 PM
Good one George!!
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: latefordinner on December 24, 2009, 05:24:55 PM
<late can't speak right now, he has these frogs in his mouth>
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: DaDan on December 25, 2009, 08:40:02 PM
Christmas Carols for Disturbed Friends
 agagagagag


1. Schizophrenia -- Do I Hear What I Hear?


2. Multiple Personality Disorder - We Three Kings Disoriented Are


3. Dementia - I Think I'll Be Home for Christmas


4. Narcissistic - Hark the Herald Angels Sing about Me


5. Manic - Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and....


6. Paranoid - Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me


7. Borderline Personality Disorder - Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire


8. Personality Disorder - You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, and I Don't Know Why


9. Attention Deficit Disorder - Silent Night, Holy....oooh look at the froggy, can I have a chocolate, why is France so far away?


10. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder - Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: George on January 09, 2010, 07:45:45 PM
Mother-in-law                                Woman Hitler
Evangelist                                        Evil agents
Large breasts                                  Great braless
Prison cell mate                              Con still rapes me
Ordained Priest                              Predator inside
School teacher                                coach the losers
sexually transmitted diseases    Last steamy sex resulted in aids
Husband and wife                         Fun was had in bed
The ménage à trois                        A giant threesome
Feeling romantic                            Flaming erection
X-Rated Movies                             Sex video-mart
Life Sucks                                        I Fuck Less
I have a large penis                       I please her vagina
President Clinton of the USA     To copulate, he finds interns
Catholicism                                     Comical Shit
Masturbation                                 Anatomist Rub
Anal retentive                                A latrine event
Axl Rose                                          Oral sex
Debit card                                      Bad credit
Slot machines                               Cash lost in ‘em
School master                              The classroom
Eleven plus two                            Twelve plus one
Dormitory                                      Dirty room
Punishment                                   Nine Thumps
The Morse code                           Here come dots
Stupidsticks.com                        Custom Dipsticks
Snooze alarms                             Alas! No more Zs
A decimal point                           I’m a dot in place
Astronomer                                  Moon starer
The eyes                                        They see
The public art galleries            Large picture halls, I bet
Election results                           Lies – let’s recount
The Hurricanes                          These churn air

-Anagrams in Famous Names-
Elvis                                                Lives
Elvis Aaron Presley                    Seen alive? Sorry, pal!
Madonna Louise Ciccone          One cool dance musician.
Clint Eastwood                            Old West action.
William Shakespeare                I’ll make a wise phrase.
Marilyn Manson                         Manly man? No sir!
A Homer Simpson                     Mr Homo Sapiens.
Giovanni Pergolesi                     I love opera singing!
George Bush                                He bugs Gore.
President Bush of the USA      A fresh one, but he’s stupid.
Osama bin Laden                       A bad man, no lies.
Saddam Hussein                       UN’s said he’s mad.
Adolf Hitler                                Do real filth.
Monica Lewinsky                     Nice silky woman.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: teleplayer on January 23, 2010, 04:13:31 AM
Subject: Alert Levels

 
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the English issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588 when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards" They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability. 

 

It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Blitzkrieg".

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy.These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Americans meanwhile and as usual are carrying out pre-emptive strikes on all of their allies, just in case.

And in the southern hemisphere...

New Zealand has also raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA!". Due to continuing defense cutbacks (the airforce being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister's bath) New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is "I hope Australia will come and rescue us".

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries," to "She'll be right, mate". Three more escalation levels remain: "Crikey!', "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is cancelled". So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Schnerby on January 23, 2010, 04:20:33 AM
..."The barbie is cancelled". So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.


Phew.  agagagagag


Nice one, teleplayer. That gave me a giggle
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Lotus Eater on January 23, 2010, 05:46:25 AM
I love it!!
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Escaped Lunatic on January 23, 2010, 06:48:50 AM
You forgot the special post-collaborate level the French use when the crisis ends.  It's called "We weren't collaborating.  We were all highly effective members of the underground resistance!" kkkkkkkkkk
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Lotus Eater on January 23, 2010, 03:08:45 PM
Murphy's' old lady had been pregnant for some time and now the time had come.
He brought her to the doctor and the doctor began to deliver the baby. She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Murphy and said. 'Hey, Murph! You just had you a son,!

'Ain't dat grand!! Murphy got excited by this,but just then the doctor spoke up and said, 'Hold on! We ain’t finished yet, !'The doctor then delivered a little girl.

He said, 'Hey, Murph! You got you a daughter, !!!! She is a pretty lil ting, too....'

Murphy got kind of puzzled by this and then the doctor said, 'Hold on, we aint got done yet, !'
The doctor then delivered another boy and said, 'Murph, you just had yourself another boy, !'

Murphy said to the doctor, 'Doc, what caused all of dem babies,?'

The doctor said, 'You never know Murph, it was probably something that happened during conception.'
Murphy said, 'Ah yeah, during conception.'

When Murph and his wife went home with their three children, he sat down with his wife and said,
'Mama, you remember dat night that we ran out of Vaseline and we had to use dat dere 3-in-1 Oil.'
She said, 'Yeah, I remember dat night...'

Murph said, 'I'll tell you, ......it's a good ting we didn't use WD-40.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: teleplayer on January 28, 2010, 12:13:18 PM
From my brother the marksman.....


The Sheer Nightgown

  A man walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase a negligee as a gift for   
  his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 
  in price -- the more sheer, the higher the price. Naturally, he opts for 
  the most sheer item, pays the $500, and takes it home. He presents it to 
  his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.   
                                                                           
  Upstairs the wife thinks (she's no dummy), "I have an idea. It's so sheer
  that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the     
  modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself."
                                                                           
  She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.                     
                                                                           
  The husband says, "Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron
  it!"                                                                     
                                                                           
  He never heard the shot.                                                 
                                                                           
  Funeral on Thursday at Noon. Closed coffin......donations in lieu of     
  flowers to the National Association for Retarded Husbands (NARH).
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: latefordinner on January 29, 2010, 01:42:36 PM
<from my cousin. Apologies if you've heard it before>
A group of 40 years old buddies get together and discuss where they should meet for dinner.  Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen restaurant because the waitresses there have low cut blouses and nice breasts.
 10 years later, at 50 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss where they should meet for dinner. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because the food there is very good and the wine selection is good also.
 10 years later, at 60 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss where they should dine. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because they can eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant is smoke free.
 10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss  where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because the restaurant is wheel chair accessible and they even have an elevator.
 10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss where they should have dinner. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because they have never been there before.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Escaped Lunatic on January 29, 2010, 02:50:10 PM
I can't remember if I ever heard that before or not. mmmmmmmmmm mmmmmmmmmm mmmmmmmmmm

What were we talking about?
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Pashley on January 29, 2010, 04:57:10 PM
One of the ways I can tell I am getting older is when I'm in a restaurant and a waitress goes by with someone's meal. My head still turns and my eyes still light up, but now sometimes I am looking at the food.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: latefordinner on January 29, 2010, 05:47:22 PM
Life is so unfair.
There was a time when a passing young lady might catch my eye and smile at me. Then I would stop and think, "I could try, but I can't risk what that would do to my marrige"
Then there was a time when a passing young lady might catch my eye and I would think, "I could try Viagara, but I can't risk what it would do to my heart medication"
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: harry_aus on January 29, 2010, 08:11:22 PM
The way I've recognized I've got older is that now,
policemen all look so young and less-intimidating to me.

The Three Ages of Man:
    - tri-weekly
    - try weekly, and
    - try weakly.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: AMonk on January 30, 2010, 01:32:08 AM
The final lines of a favourite (old) poem....



"What used to be my Pride & Joy 
 agagagagag

Is now my Waterspout!"
 ananananan
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: old34 on January 30, 2010, 04:03:12 AM

"What used to be my Pride & Joy 
 agagagagag

Is now my Waterspout!"
 ananananan


Still Life: Johnson's Pride and Proctor's Joy
(http://www.fuzz2buzz.com/files/imagecache/node-view/Pride%20and%20joy.JPG)
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Lotus Eater on January 30, 2010, 04:41:47 AM
Probably gets more accolades!
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: latefordinner on January 30, 2010, 04:46:42 AM
LE, you're not getting older, you're just getting polished. More refined, genteel and lady-like.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Lotus Eater on January 30, 2010, 04:47:37 AM
Smoother you mean??  I'll accept that!   afafafafaf afafafafaf


A Queensland jackeroo is overseeing his herd in remote territory when suddenly a brand-new BMW advances out of a dust cloud towards him.
The driver, a young man in a designer suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the ringer, 'If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?'
 
The jackaroo looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, 'Sure, why not?'

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 mobile phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, Where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop
And exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany .

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored.
He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel Spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-colour, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, 'You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.'

'That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,' says the ringer.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the boot of his car.

Then the ringer says to the young man, 'Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?'

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, 'Okay, why not?'

'You work for the Australian Government', says the Jackaroo.

'Wow! That's correct,' says the yuppie, 'but how did you guess that?'

'No guessing required.' answered the jackaroo. 'You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked.
You used all kinds of expensive equipment that clearly somebody else paid for, you tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows .. This is a herd of sheep.

Now give me back my dog.'
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Lotus Eater on February 01, 2010, 03:50:38 PM
 Perks of reaching 50 or being over 60 and heading towards 70!

1.Kidnappers are not very interested in You.
2. In a hostage situation, you are likely to be released first.

3.No one expects you to run --Anywhere.

4. People call at 9PM and ask, 'Did I wake you?'

5.People no longer view you as a Hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard Way.

7.Things you buy now won't wear out.

8. You can eat supper at 4PM.
9.You can live without sex but not your glasses.

10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
11.You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.

13.You sing along with elevator music.

14. Your eyes won't get much worse.

15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
16. Your joints are more accurate Meteorologists than the national weather service.

17.Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.
19.You can't remember who sent you this list.

ONE MORE THING:

Never,under any circumstances,take a sleeping pill,anda laxative on the same night!
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Stil on February 01, 2010, 03:57:01 PM
Americans are in trouble...
 
The population of this country is 300 million.
 
160 million are retired.

That leaves 140 million to do the work. 

There are 85 million in school.

Which leaves 55 million to do the work.

Of this there are 35 million employed by the federal government.

Leaving 15 million to do the work.

2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing Osama Bin-Laden.

Which leaves 12.2 million to do the work.

Take from that total the 10.8 million people who work for state and city Governments. And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work. 

At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.

Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons. 

That leaves just two people to do the work.

You and me.

And there you are,

Sitting on your ass,

At your computer, reading jokes.

Nice. Real nice.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Day Dreamer on February 13, 2010, 03:18:03 PM
A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away.

She protested, "But we don't know anything about each other."

He replied, "That's all right; we'll learn about each other as we go along."

So she consented, and they were married and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort.

One morning, they were lying by the pool when he got up off his towel, climbed up to the 10 meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer, entering the water perfectly, almost without a ripple. This was followed by a three rotations in jackknife position before he again straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on his towel.

She said, "That was incredible!"

He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about ourselves as we went along."

So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing laps. She was moving so fast that the froth from her pushing off at one end of the pool would hardly be gone before she was already touching the other end of the pool!

She did laps in freestyle, breast stroke, even butterfly! After about thirty laps, completed in mere minutes, she climbed back out and lay down on her towel, barely breathing hard.

He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?"

"No," she said, "I was a hooker in Alabama and I worked both sides of the Tennessee River."
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: pydilyk on February 27, 2010, 10:55:40 PM
I was in Laos over break and the place is rapidly filling up with Chinese. One of the other teachers at my school was also down there and a local Lao told her this one:

There are 4 friends: one guy from the USA, another from Japan, another guy from China, and a guy from Laos.  For a holiday, they all decide to travel out to Laos-- to enjoy the food the sunshine and the BeerLao.  After a full day of traveling round the countryside, they stop beside the Mekong at a little bar to grab a drink.  They drink and drink.  They eat and eat.  Bottles and bottles of BeerLao and laolao begin to pile up.  And then the four men get to talking.  And get to boasting.

The American rubs his belly and says: America is the best!  We have anything we want!  He takes out his Ipod, shows it to everyone, then (with surprising power compared to his rotund gut) throws it right into the river.  Look how I don't care!, he says.  My country is full of them, I can just get another.

Then, the Japanese guy's cell phone starts ringing.  In a drunken flury, he stands up and flings it into the Mekong.  Look!, he says laughing.  I don't care!  My country is full of them, I can just get another.

The Chinese guy (wanting to be on par with the others, of course) looks around.  Spotting his motorbike, he runs over to it.  He drives it around and around the little bar yelling and laughing, then lets it crash right into the river.  I don't care! he cries.  My country is full of them, I can just get another.

Now it's the Lao guy's turn.  He looks to the right.  He looks to the left.  He stands up, thinking to himself.  He walks around the table, slowly, thinking.  Then he suddenly grabs the Chinese guy, and throws him into the Mekong River.  Look! the Lao guy cries.  I don't care!  My country is full of them, I can just get another!
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Pashley on February 27, 2010, 11:31:19 PM
I may hold some sort of record for walking face-first into a well-deserved comeback. There's a joke you can tell about the women of any ethnic group. At a party, somewhat drunk, I told it about the local lasses.

"How do you stop a Canadian girl from screwing?"
"Marry her."

My Canadian wife was nearby, turned around and said, "No. That just stops her screwing you."
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Day Dreamer on February 28, 2010, 01:42:46 PM
"How do you stop a Canadian girl from screwing?"
"Marry her."

My Canadian wife was nearby, turned around and said, "No. That just stops her screwing you."


Nice!

That's like; what's the difference between a slut and a bitch?

A slut will f@ck anyone, but a bitch will f@ck anyone but you!
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Pashley on March 10, 2010, 01:00:02 PM
From an email today:

The newspaper, "The Australian," over a period of weeks sought entries for The Great Australian yarn. This was the winner:

Two cattle drovers were standing in an Outback bar. One
asked, "What are ya up to, mate?"

"Ahh, I'm takin' a mob of 6000 from Goondiwindi to Gympie."

"Oh yeah ... and what route are you takin'?"

"Ah, prob'ly the Missus ... after all, she stuck by me durin' the drought"
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: George on March 10, 2010, 01:59:15 PM
Unfortunately, that joke doesn't translate too well across the Pacific, where they pronounce it  "rowt", and think that rooting means barracking. Also hard for them to comprehend why a bloke would be called Wombat, just because he eats, roots and leaves.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: AMonk on March 11, 2010, 01:05:59 AM
"Oh yeah ... and what route are you takin'?"

"Ah, prob'ly the Missus ... after all, she stuck by me durin' the drought"

This is definitely an Ozzie joke....it does not translate into the Atlantic Zone...I don't "get" it.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Stil on March 11, 2010, 01:21:06 AM
Amonk substitute shag for root
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: AMonk on March 11, 2010, 01:25:41 AM
AAAaaaahhh bjbjbjbjbj bjbjbjbjbj agagagagag
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: George on March 11, 2010, 02:09:04 AM
 ahahahahah ahahahahah
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: teacheraus on March 11, 2010, 02:15:45 AM
It is not our fault that some people just can't understand "real" English.  bjbjbjbjbj
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Day Dreamer on March 11, 2010, 02:17:51 AM
One day a housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweat-shirt seconds after he stepped into the laundry room. He shouted to his wife,
"What setting do I use on the washing machine?"

"It depends," she replied, "what does it say on your shirt?"

He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma"
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Day Dreamer on March 11, 2010, 04:16:12 AM
A number of candidates to become priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy, beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them.

Each candidate had a small bell attached to his c@ck and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.

The beautiful model danced before the first candidate with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests-to-be until she got to the final priest, Andre, poor young and pretty Andre.

As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off, clattering across the ground to where it lay to rest in the nearby foliage.

Embarrassed, Andre quickly scrambled to where the bell came to rest. He bent over to pick it up . . . and all the other bells started to ring!
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Day Dreamer on April 01, 2010, 04:59:09 AM
A man walks into a confessional and says, "Forgive me Father for I have sinned..."  

The priest replies, "What is it that brings you here?"  

"Well father, I used the F-word yesterday."  

"Oh, is that all?  Say five Hail Marys and may the Lord be with you."  

But the man replies, "Father, I really need to talk about it."  

"Let's have it then," the priest says as he leans back on the hard wooden bench.

"You see Father, I was playing golf, and on the first tee, I was lining up my drive and proceeded to hit a horrendous slice into the trees."  

"Ah yes, and that's when you cursed aloud?" the Father queries.  

"No, as luck would have it, I found my ball and had a clear shot to the green from a nice lie; when, all of a sudden, a squirrel scampered out of some bushes, picked up my ball by its teeth and darted up a tree."

"That must have been when you cursed?"  

"No, because just as the squirrel had climbed to the top of the tree, a bird swooped out of the skies and grabbed the squirrel with its talons. The bird flew out of the trees and back out over the green.  Then, the squirrel dropped my ball from its mouth, landing 2 and a half inches from the cup!"

"And that was when you cursed aloud," the priest says assuredly.  

But as the man starts "No, no, no..."  and the Father interrupts, "Don't tell me you missed the fucking putt!"
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: kitano on April 01, 2010, 08:24:10 AM
paddy and murphy jokes :D

paddy and murphy are walking round looking for work and they see a sign in a window saying 'tree fellers wanted'. paddy goes 'it's a shame there's only two of us'

paddy and his wife have murphy and his wife over for a few drinks, things get a bit heated and the couples decide to swap partners for the night

After 3 hours of amazing sex, Paddy says "I wonder how the girls are getting on"
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: A-Train on April 01, 2010, 09:35:47 PM
A Hillbilly daughter asks her father if she can borrow the family car.  The dad says, "You know the rule.  You give me a blow-job and you can use the care".  She complains but finally agrees.  She starts giving him the blow-job and then pulls back abruptly and says, "God, dad, your dick tastes like shit".  The father thinks for a second and then says, "Oh, I just remembered, I told your brother that HE could use the car tonight".
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: psd4fan on April 02, 2010, 12:37:32 AM
The Italian Secret To a Long Marriage


At St. Mary's Catholic Church they have a weekly husbands marriage seminar. At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.

Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, 'Wella, I'va-tried to treat-a her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of alla is, I tooka her to Italy for da 25th anniversary!'

The priest responded, 'Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?'

Giuseppe proudly replied, 'I'ma gonna go get her.'
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: George on April 02, 2010, 12:58:53 PM
The ambassador of a small African nation chanced to visit Russia, and was entertained by his opposite number, the Russian ambassador. For three days, the African ambassador was wined, dined, and generally treated to the best hospitality that Russia had to offer.

On the final day of his visit, the Russian ambassador said "As your stay is coming to an end, it is time for you to play our traditional game, Russian roulette. One of the six chambers of this gun is loaded - you spin the cylinder, point the gun at your head, and pull the trigger."

This phased the African slightly, but he was a proud man of a warrior people, and to show fear would be unthinkable. Both men took their guns, spun, and pulled the triggers.

[click] [click]

Both chambers were empty, and both ambassadors breathed a sigh of relief.

The African ambassador was much impressed with the couragous game, and thought hard about the subject before the Russian Ambassador was due to visit his country the next year.

When the visit came, the African ambassador treated the Russian with all hospitality, until the final day of his stay. Leading him to a private room in the palace, the African ambassador spoke "Now it is time for you to sample our game, African roulette". He led the Russian into the room, the only occupants of which were six beautiful, naked women.

The African ambassador said "These women are the most beautiful members of one of our tribes. Any one of them will give you a blowjob - take your pick".

The Russian was not entirely averse to this idea, but he couldn't see the connection with Russian Roulette. He said "Well, ok, great, but where's the roulette part? Where's the danger?"

With a big grin on his face, the African ambassador answered:

"One of them's a cannibal"
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Pashley on April 28, 2010, 01:07:18 AM
It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1960 and Fred had a date with Peggy Sue. He arrived at her house and rang the bell.

'Oh, come on in!' Peggy Sue's mother said as she welcomed Fred in. 'Have a seat in the living room. Would you like something to drink? Lemonade? Iced tea?'

'Iced tea, please,' Fred said. Mom brought the iced tea.

'So, what are you and Peggy planning to do tonight?' she asked.

'Oh, probably catch a movie, and then maybe grab a bite to eat at the malt shop, maybe take a walk on the beach...'

'Peggy likes to screw, you know,' Mom informed him.

'Really?' Fred replied; eyebrows rose.

'Oh yes,' the mother continued. 'When she goes out with her friends, that's all they do!'

'Is that so?' asked Fred, incredulous.

'Yes,' said the mother. 'As a matter of fact, she'd screw all night if we let her!'

'Well, thanks for the tip!' Fred said as he began thinking about alternate plans for the evening.

A moment later, Peggy Sue came down the stairs looking pretty as a picture, wearing a pink blouse and a hoop skirt, and with her hair tied back in a bouncy ponytail. She greeted Fred.

'Have fun, kids!' the mother said as they left.

Half an hour later, a completely disheveled Peggy Sue burst into the house and slammed the front door behind her.

'TWIST,  Mom!'  she angrily yelled to her mother in the kitchen.  'The dance is called the Twist!'
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: George on May 14, 2010, 09:40:21 AM
CLASSIC COMMENTATOR QUOTES

"Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him." -New Zealand Rugby Commentator

"And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!" -Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator

"Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew." -Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977

"One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them. Oh my god! What have I just said??" -US PGA Commentator

"You'd eat beaver if you could get it." -Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on "Time Team Live"

"So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?" -Female news anchor to weatherman

"Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday." -Steve Ryder covering the US Masters

"There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this." -Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North

"Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets." -Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports

"They seem cold out there. They're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts." -Michael Buerk on watching Philippa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1"s UK eclipse coverage remarked

"Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny; other weeks he prefers to do it by himself." -Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson

"And here's Moses Kiptanui, the 19 year old Kenyan, who turned 20 a few weeks ago." -David Coleman

"It's a great advantage to be able to hurdle with both legs." -David Coleman

"We now have exactly the same situation as we had at the start of the race, only exactly the opposite." -Murray Walker

After playing Cameroon in the 1990 world cup finals: "We didn't underestimate them. They were just a lot better than we thought." -Bobby Robson

On the difficulties of adjusting to playing football and living in Italy: "It was like being in a foreign country." -Ian Rush

Jimmy Hill: "Don't sit on the fence, Terry. What chance do you think Germany has of getting through? Terry Venables: "I think it's 50-50."

"I was in a no-win situation, so I'm glad that I won rather than lost." -Frank Bruno

"There's going to be a real ding-dong when the bell goes." -David Coleman

"There is Brendan Foster, by himself, with 20,000 people." -David Coleman

"The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind it which is identical." -Murray Walker

"I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father." -Greg Norman

"There have been injuries and deaths in boxing, but none of them serious." -Alan Minter

"Watch the time. It gives you an indication of how fast they are running." -Ron Pickering

"Just under 10 seconds for Nigel Mansel. Call it 9.5 seconds in round numbers." -Murray Walker

"A brain Scan revealed that Andrew Caddick is not suffering from stress fracture of the shin." -Jo Sheldon

"That's inches away from being millimetre perfect." -Ted Lowe

"I'll fight Lloyd Honeyghan for nothing if the price is right." -Marlon Starling

"If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again." -Terry Venables

"I can't tell who's leading. It's either Oxford or Cambridge." -John Snagge, commentating a boat Race between Oxford and Cambridge

"This is really a lovely horse, I once rode her mother. -Ted Walsh, Horse Racing Commentator

"The Queen's Park Oval, exactly as its name suggests, is absolutely round." -Tony Crozier

"He's pulling him off! The Spanish manager is pulling his captain off!" -George Hamilton

"The black players at this club lend the side a lot of skill and flair, but you also need white players in there to balance things up and give the team some brains and some common sense." -Ron Noades

"Bill Frindal has done a bit of mental arithmetic with a calculator" -John Arlott

"We actually got the winner three minutes from the end but then they equalized" -Ian McNail

"We'll still be happy if we lose. It's on at the same time as the Beer Festival" -Noel O' Mahony

"I would not say he (David Ginola) is the best left winger in the Premiership, but there are none better" -Ron Atkinson

"He dribbles a lot and the opposition don't like it - you can see it all over their faces." -Ron Atkinson

"I never comment on referees and I'm not going to break the habit of a lifetime for that prat" -Ron Atkinson

"Here we are in the Holy Land of Israel - a Mecca for tourists." -David Vine

"Morcelli has four fastest 1500-metre times ever. And all those times are at 1500 metres." -David Coleman

"Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field." -Metro Radio

"... and later we will have action from the men's cockless pairs." -Sue Barker

"Her time is about 4.33, which she's capable of." -David Coleman

"Sex is an anti-climax after that!" -Grand National-winning jockey Mark Fitzgerald

"Well, you gave the horse a wonderful ride, everybody saw that" -Desmond Lynam

"To play Holland, you have to play the Dutch." -Ruud Gullit

"Well, either side could win it, or it could be a draw". -Ron Atkinson

"For those of you watching in black and white, Spurs are in the all-yellow strip" -John Motson

"Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air for even longer." -David Acfield

What will you do when you leave football, Jack, will you stay in football?" -Stuart Hall - Radio 5 live

"There goes Juantorena down the back straight, opening his legs and showing his class" -David Coleman at The Montreal Olympics

"These greens are so fast they must bikini wax them." -Gary McCord on the greens at Augusta
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: kitano on May 14, 2010, 03:14:16 PM
Bobby Robson RIP was the best for talking rubbish

“Home advantage gives you an advantage.“

“In a year's time, he's a year older.”

"They've probably played better than they've ever done for a few weeks."

“I'm not going to look beyond the semi-final - but I would love to lead Newcastle out at the final.”

“Maybe not goodbye, but farewell.”

“Home advantage gives you an advantage.“

“In a year's time, he's a year older.”

"Gary Speed has never played better, never looked fitter, never been older."

“If you count your chickens before they've hatched, they won't lay an egg in the basket”

“He has four lungs and two hearts – no doubt about it.”

"The first ninety minutes of a football match are the most important.”

"Look at those olive trees! They're 200 years old - from before the time of Christ."

“I would have given my right arm to be a pianist.”

Sir Bobby to Bryan Robson: “Good morning, Bobby.”
Bryan: “You’re Bobby, I’m Bryan!”

“Titus looks like Tyson when he strips off in the dressing-room, except he doesn't bite. And he has a great tackle."

"They can't be monks - we don't want them to be monks, we want them to be football players because a monk doesn't play football at this level."

"We're taking 22 players to Italy, sorry, to Spain... where are we, Jim?"

Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Escaped Lunatic on May 14, 2010, 05:36:13 PM

“I would have given my right arm to be a pianist.”


I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.   ahahahahah
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: fox on May 14, 2010, 10:43:41 PM
CLASSIC COMMENTATOR QUOTES
"He dribbles a lot and the opposition don't like it - you can see it all over their faces." -Ron Atkinson

Excellent stuff.  Just what i needed to forget the spoilt brats that i had to tolerate this afternoon.    bhbhbhbhbh bhbhbhbhbh
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: A-Train on May 16, 2010, 01:15:28 AM
Reminds me of the classic Yogi Berra-isms:

"Nobody goes there anymore.  It's too crowded"
"It gets late early out there"
"The future ain't what it used to be"
"Half the lies they tell about me aren't true"
"It's déjà vu all over again"
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Raoul F. Duke on May 16, 2010, 01:26:52 AM
Got to add a sports-announcer gaffe I was privileged to actually witness. Some years ago a Headline News announcer opened the NBA coverage with "Well, Bob, the Suns went down on the Celtics last night..." ahahahahah
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Day Dreamer on May 16, 2010, 04:10:18 AM
I recall when Carlos Boozer was sent off to the Utah Jazz. Listening to his press conference, he said he couldn't wait to get there, "I hear Utah is a great city"

 bibibibibi
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Pashley on May 16, 2010, 04:18:00 AM
There was an announcer on an Ottawa radio station decades back reading a story on the local debutantes' Coming Out Ball at the Ottawa Hunt Club. He replaced the "H" with a "K" sound. They fired him, not so much for the slip as that he broke up afterward, chuckling wildly into a live mike.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: kitano on May 16, 2010, 04:41:24 AM
murray walker was another genius at being a fucking terrible sports commentator who was a nice bloke

'unless i'm very much mistaken...which i am...
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Day Dreamer on May 16, 2010, 04:59:49 AM
kitano, is that anything like,

"If I could say just a few words, I'd be a better speaker"
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: kitano on May 16, 2010, 03:41:30 PM
And that just shows you how important the car is in Formula One Racing.

Eight minutes past the hour here in Belgium - and presumably eight minutes past the hour everywhere in the world.

Either the car is stationary, or it's on the move.

Even in five years time, he will still be four years younger than Damon Hill.

He can't decide whether to leave his visor half open or half closed.

I can't believe what's happening visually, in front of my eyes.

I don't make mistakes. I make prophecies which immediately turn out to be wrong.

I should imagine that the conditions in the cockpit are totally unimaginable.

There's nothing wrong with the car except that it's on fire.

With half the race gone, there is half the race still to go.

You might not think that's cricket, and it's not, it's motor racing.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Stil on May 16, 2010, 04:02:49 PM
Yogi Berra is a genius. Even if he didn't say half the things he said.


A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore. 

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours. 

Baseball is ninety percent mental and the other half is physical.

Even Napoleon had his Watergate.

Half the lies they tell about me aren't true.

He hits from both sides of the plate. He's amphibious. 

How can you think and hit at the same time?

I always thought that record would stand until it was broken.

I just want to thank everyone who made this day necessary.   

I never said most of the things I said. 

I think Little League is wonderful. It keeps the kids out of the house.

I wish I had an answer to that because I'm tired of answering that question.   

I'm not going to buy my kids an encyclopedia. Let them walk to school like I did.

If people don't want to come out to the ball park, nobody's gonna stop 'em.

If the world was perfect, it wouldn't be. 

If you ask me anything I don't know, I'm not going to answer.

If you come to a fork in the road, take it. 

In baseball, you don't know nothing. 

In theory there is no difference between theory and practice. In practice there is. 

It ain't over till it's over. 

It ain't the heat, it's the humility. 

It gets late early out there. 

It was impossible to get a conversation going, everybody was talking too much. 

It's like deja-vu, all over again. 

It's pretty far, but it doesn't seem like it.   

Nobody goes there anymore. It's too crowded.   

The future ain't what it used to be.

The other teams could make trouble for us if they win. 

The towels were so thick there I could hardly close my suitcase.

There are some people who, if they don't already know, you can't tell 'em.

We have deep depth.

We made too many wrong mistakes.

You better cut the pizza in four pieces because I'm not hungry enough to eat six.

You can observe a lot by just watching.   

You wouldn't have won if we'd beaten you.

You've got to be very careful if you don't know where you are going, because you might not get there.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: A-Train on May 17, 2010, 05:52:03 PM
Milwaukee's Bob Uecker has had a few.

"How do you catch a knuckleball? Wait until it stops rolling, then go to the backstop and pick it up."

"I won the Comeback of the Year Award five years in a row!"

"That triple-play sorta took us out of the inning"

"I set records that will never be equaled. In fact, I hope 90% of them don't even get printed."

"When I came up to bat with three men on and two outs in the ninth, I looked in the other team's dugout and they were already in street clothes."

"People don't know this but I helped the Cardinals win the pennant. I came down with hepatitis. The trainer injected me with it."

"I hit a grand slam off Ron Herbel and when his manager Herman Franks came out to get him, he was bringing Herbel's suitcase."
 
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Day Dreamer on May 17, 2010, 09:34:51 PM
I love Uecker, unfortunately he is not well. He mastered the art of self deprication from the Rodney Dangerfield School of No Resect
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Con ate dog on May 18, 2010, 05:48:07 PM
I remember Uecker reaclling the ceremony wherein he received his World Series ring: "They threw mine into right field.  I found it in the fourth inning."
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: teleplayer on May 22, 2010, 08:54:46 AM
SAD News  -- I don't usually pass on news like this, because I know how
busy you are. Sometimes we have to pause and truly remember what life is all about. So I will pass on this sad, sad news..

There was a great loss today in the entertainment world.  The man who wrote the song "Hokey Pokey" died.  What was really horrible is that they had trouble keeping the body in the casket.  They'd put his left leg in, and...well, you know the rest.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: fox on June 20, 2010, 03:54:28 AM
this always cracks me up.

too big to post here so heres a link

http://scotsman.china8.org/forumpost.jpg (http://scotsman.china8.org/forumpost.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: A-Train on June 25, 2010, 11:37:23 PM
Q. How can you tell when your girlfriend is getting fat?


A. When she starts to fit into your wife's clothes.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Day Dreamer on June 27, 2010, 01:53:00 AM
One day a man notices his wife rubbing some new cream on her breasts. "What is that?" he asks.

Its to help make my breasts larger.

"How long have you been using it?"

"About a year now but its not helping. she told him

He suggested rubbing toilet paper on her boobs to make them grow big

"Why? And how would that help?

"well," he started, "look what toilet paper did to your ass!"
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Pashley on June 27, 2010, 05:30:36 PM
As there's a "What's up with Scotland?" thread elsewhere, I thought I'd add a Scottish tale here.

One evening, Young Angus is over visiting his friend and neighbour, Wee Jock. As it happens, Jock has just acquired a small cask of superb malt whiskey. Then two sample it rather extensively and get quite wrecked. However, all good things must come to an end and eventually it is time for Angus to stagger home. Generous lad that he is, Jock prepares a small bottle of the marvelous booze for him to take home. Angus places it carefully in his sporran and stumbles away, singing.

Meanwhile, Duncan has been to town and has also gotten well sozzled. He is driving home along the same narrow winding country road that Angus is attempting to navigate on foot. Fortunately, he is driving slowly.

Duncan comes round a corner to see Angus only a few meters away and right in the center of the narrow road. There is a horrendous thump and Angus is thrown into the ditch. Duncan stops and leaps out of the car just as Angus. shaking his head, clambers out of the ditch and back onto the road.

Duncan: Are ye hurt, laddie?
Angus: Nae. I'm fine ... Och! Bide a wee minute. There's something wet running down me leg. I sartainly hope it's blood!
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Pashley on July 02, 2010, 02:39:12 PM
From this morning's email:

The customer looked depressed, so the barber told him, "Cheer up. I knew a guy who owed $5,000 he couldn't pay. He drove to the edge of a cliff, where he sat for over an hour. A group of concerned citizens heard about his problem and passed a hat around. Relieved, the man pulled back from the cliff's edge.

"Incredible," said the client. "Who were these kind and compassionate people?"

The barber replied, "All the passengers on his bus."
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Day Dreamer on July 02, 2010, 04:11:32 PM
^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^

funny ahahahahah ahahahahah ahahahahah
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: A-Train on July 03, 2010, 06:07:08 PM
Would it be MURDER?
A nice, calm and  respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to  the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and  said, "I would like to buy some  cyanide."
The pharmacist asked, "Why in  the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady  replied, "I need it to poison my  husband."
  The  pharmacist's eyes got big  and he explained,  "Lord have mercy!  I can't give you cyanide to  kill your husband,  that's against the law?   I'll lose my licence!  They'll throw both  of us in jail!  All kinds of bad things will  happen.  Absolutely not!  You CANNOT have  any cyanide!"

 The lady reached into her  purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed  with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist  looked at the picture and replied, "You didn't tell me  you had a  prescription."
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: A-Train on July 06, 2010, 06:00:25 PM
I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'    (I just turned 68.)

He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?' 'Oh no,' I replied.. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'
 
Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs? 'I said, 'Not much... my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'

'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?' 'No, I don't,' I said.

He asked, 'Do you gamble, or have a lot of sex?'
'No,' I said.

He looked at me and said,... 'Then, why do you even give a shit?
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Day Dreamer on July 09, 2010, 05:50:22 PM
A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'

The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.

I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down.. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.

I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shit!'
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: becster79 on July 12, 2010, 01:32:05 AM
This page is PRICELESS  ahahahahah ahahahahah ahahahahah

'Clueless Secretary Prompts Hilarious Office Email Thread'

http://jezebel.com/5582562/clueless-secretary-makes-for-hilarious-office-email-thread (http://jezebel.com/5582562/clueless-secretary-makes-for-hilarious-office-email-thread)

Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Con ate dog on July 12, 2010, 08:53:12 PM
Trying to keep my composure in the office- it didn't work.  No fewer than 4 coworkers witnessed me wheezing and dabbing my eyes with a kleenex.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: AMonk on July 13, 2010, 12:16:02 AM
.....No fewer than 4 coworkers witnessed me wheezing and dabbing my eyes with a kleenex.

 mmmmmmmmmm Are you allergic to cats?
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Con ate dog on July 13, 2010, 05:20:25 PM
You apparently didn't explore that link Becster put up.  I was laughing so hard I made a fool of myself.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: AMonk on July 13, 2010, 07:40:16 PM
Con, I did check the link [so I know it's about her cat].  Not so very funny, IMHO.  Mildly amusing, at best.  But that's just me. *shrug*
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Con ate dog on July 14, 2010, 12:18:40 AM
Start reading some of his other posts.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: AMonk on July 14, 2010, 03:20:39 AM
No spare time....not much inclination.  Sorry. bibibibibi
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: teleplayer on July 22, 2010, 03:40:40 AM
The Theory of Intelligence


 "Well you see, Norm, it's like this . . . A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.

This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells.
 
Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.
 
In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. And that, Norm, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: teleplayer on July 22, 2010, 03:41:46 AM
On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.

After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man, and wondered what he was in for.

The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, 'This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say '1-2-3.' When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform as long as you want."

The  man was encouraged.  As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"   "Your 

partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" he  responded,  "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."
 
He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom.  When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!"  Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"

And  that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.

Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Day Dreamer on July 22, 2010, 04:58:31 AM
teleplayer, first joke funny, second one, though old, was just a groaner
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: teleplayer on July 22, 2010, 04:04:02 PM
 agagagagag
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: decurso on August 04, 2010, 02:18:52 PM
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
The police. I'm afraid there's been an accident. Your husband has been
killed.



A man walks into a pub.
He is an alcoholic whose drink problem is destroying his family.


Why do women fake orgasms?
Because they want to give men the impression that they have climaxed.


Why did the farmer change jobs to become a motorcycle stuntman?

Because the agricultural sector had been in serious decline for more than fifteen years


What's worse than finding a maggot in your apple?
Being raped.

Two men are sitting in a pub.
One man turns to the other and says: 'Last night I saw lots of strange men
coming in and out of your wife's house.'
The other man replies: 'Yes, she has become a prostitute to subsidise her
drug habit.'
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: George on August 04, 2010, 02:30:27 PM
 mmmmmmmmmm Thailand is not doing you a lot of good, DC. kkkkkkkkkk
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Escaped Lunatic on August 04, 2010, 03:43:07 PM
DC's just feeling a little down since the last seven pretty Thai girls he tried to date turned out to be pretty Thai boys. ahahahahah
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Con ate dog on August 04, 2010, 03:50:23 PM
I laughed out loud.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: decurso on August 04, 2010, 05:52:19 PM
Did you hear about the blonde who jumped out off a bridge?
She was clinically depressed and took her own life because of her terribly
low self-esteem.

Why are there no aspirin in the jungle?
Because it would not be financially viable to attempt to sell
pharmaceuticals in the largely unpopulated rainforest

What do you call a deer with no eyes?

- A blind deer.

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?

- An easy lay


Why didn't the little girl get out of bed?

Because she was dead.


Man: Doctor, I've broken my leg.
Doctor: I'm afraid it is a very bad break. You will never walk properly
again.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Day Dreamer on August 04, 2010, 09:23:58 PM
 mmmmmmmmmm
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: NATO on August 05, 2010, 07:31:14 AM
actual LOL decurso, well done.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Escaped Lunatic on August 05, 2010, 02:07:24 PM
OK, if we're going down this special road DC has found for us, we might as well have fun with it.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
It was feeling depressed and was hoping to be run over.  Maybe next time it will get lucky.

A man walks into a bar carrying a chicken.  The bartender asks why.  The man replies, "It has bird flu.  I've always hated all of you and hope you'll all catch it and die."

What's black and white and red all over?
A zebra being torn to bits by a pack of hyenas.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: decurso on August 05, 2010, 02:31:43 PM
Well done, EL!  agagagagag
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Day Dreamer on August 28, 2010, 01:04:09 AM
A man comes home from work, sits down in his favorite chair, turns on the television and says to his wife, "Quick, honey, bring me a beer before it starts."

His wife looks puzzled, but brings him a beer. When he finshes it, he says, "Quick honey, bring me another beer. It's gonna start."

This time the wife looks a little angry, but brings him a beer anyway. He downs the beer and says, "Quick, get me another beer before it starts."

"Thats it!" his wife screams at him. "You BASTARD! You waltz in here, flop your fat butt down, dont even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave, getting you beer after beer! Don't you realize I cook, clean, wash and iron all day?"

The husband sighs and says,
















WAIT FOR IT -



















"Oh shit, it started."
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Escaped Lunatic on August 28, 2010, 07:10:24 PM
Poor guy.  You'd think he'd gave gotten at least 3 beers before it started. ahahahahah
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Con ate dog on September 29, 2010, 02:07:10 AM
HOW TO TICK PEOPLE OFF

   1. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.
   2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors."
   3. Specify that your drive-through order is "TO-GO."
   4. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
   5. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
   6. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."
   7. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what you think."
   8. Practice making fax and modem noises.
   9. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc" them to your boss.
  10. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
  11. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."
  12. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears and grimacing.
  13. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.
  14. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
  15. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."
  16. Staple pages in the middle of the page.
  17. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a croaking noise.
  18. Honk and wave to strangers.
  19. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints at the cash register.
  20. TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
  21. type only in lowercase.
  22. dont use any punctuation either
  23. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
  24. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times.
      "DO YOU HEAR THAT?"
      "What?"
      "Never mind, it's gone now."
  25. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
  26. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "No, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.
  27. Ask people what gender they are.
  28. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
  29. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
  30. Sing along at the opera.
  31. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
  32. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles."
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Riz on October 04, 2010, 01:40:26 AM
A guy went to a psychiatrist because he was having severe problems with his sex life.

The psychiatrist asked him a lot of questions, but didn't seem to be getting a clear picture of the problems.

Finally, he asked, "Do you ever watch your girlfriend's face while you're having sex?"

"Well, yes, I did once."

"Well, how did she look?"

"Oh boy, she looked VERY angry!"

At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere and he said, "Well that's very interesting, we must look into this further.

Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your girlfriend's face once during sex; that seems somewhat unusual. How did it occur that you saw her face that time?"

"She was watching us through the window."
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Pashley on October 04, 2010, 01:53:58 AM
Then there was the woman, married to an older man whose sexual prowess was waning, who went off to the doctor for a potion to liven him up a bit. He gave her something to put in his beverage, guaranteed to work, needs only a drop.

She came back a week or so later, wanting more. She explained that she'd decided "What the hell." and used three drops, just to be sure.

"Wow! It really worked well. We were having dinner, and he just ripped the tablecloth off the table, tore my clothes off and had me right on the table."

"Great, but what about the crockery?"

"Well, we'll never go to that restaurant again."
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: AMonk on October 19, 2010, 12:09:52 AM
Ever wonder where one of our pet phrases comes from?  Well, I have the answer.  It originates on the calendar.



MONDAY
TUESDAY










W  T  F  !?!
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Pashley on October 19, 2010, 04:51:45 PM
Maria the maid asks the lady of the house, Joan, for a raise and gets a firm "No".

Maria: I deserve more money. I'm a much better cook than you are.
Joan: What makes you think that?
Maria: Your husband told me so. Also, I'm a better housekeeper.
Joan: I suppose he told you that as well?
Maria: Yes, ma'm.
Joan: Well, it doesn't matter. I am still not prepared to pay you more.

Maria: You know, ma'm, I'm also much better in bed than you are.
Joan: What! Did my husband tell you that too?
Maria: No, that was Fred, the gardener.
Joan: How much of a raise were you thinking of Maria?
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: kitano on October 20, 2010, 04:57:56 PM
this is pretty impressive. a computer student 'rickrolled' his professor with an essay (check the first word on each line)

(http://static02.mediaite.com/geekosystem/uploads/2010/10/essayrickroll550.jpg)

http://www.geekosystem.com/the-rickrolling-essay/
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: latefordinner on October 20, 2010, 05:30:31 PM
Read the paper. It's bad enough that the prof will be too busy to notice the rickrolling.  aaaaaaaaaa
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Escaped Lunatic on October 20, 2010, 07:21:53 PM
I used to putting in things like "If you are really reading this paper, please circle this sentence." into class assignments like that.

I had a boss who got lazy checking out edits I'd done on things for him.  I found that occasionally slipping in something like "Mongolian Cluster F***" greatly improved his attention to detail.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Pashley on October 20, 2010, 07:27:05 PM
I had a boss who got lazy checking out edits I'd done on things for him.  I found that occasionally slipping in something like "Mongolian Cluster F***" greatly improved his attention to detail.

I was in a meeting once where someone complained that they had far too much paperwork, always writing reports that they doubted their boss, Fred, ever read. Both Fred and the Big Boss were at the meeting.

The big boss's suggestion: Insert "Fred blows dead bears." in the middle of a long paragraph. If he's reading your reports, he'll get back to you.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Escaped Lunatic on October 20, 2010, 10:07:15 PM
Did it work?  ahahahahah
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Day Dreamer on October 21, 2010, 12:49:58 AM
We are forced told to do lesson plans at the private school and its mandatory. Every other week or so I write in, "XXX is a lazy ass" to see if they are actually reading them. Sometimes, I'll mix them up, i.e. the kinder's vocabulary is at an adult level and vicy versy    uuuuuuuuuu


No one has ever said a thing
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: teleplayer on October 28, 2010, 07:24:27 AM
Cleaning email. Found this from 2006.

A cowboy walks into a bar in Texas , orders three mugs of beer and sits in the back room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.

When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells him, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it so it would taste better if you bought just one at a time."

The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers.  One is in Australia , the other is in Dublin and I'm in Texas .  When we all left Wyoming , we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we were together.  So I drink one for each of my brothers and one for myself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom and leaves it there.  The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way.  He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and orders only two mugs!

All the regulars take notice and fall silent.  When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains...

"It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and obviously I had to quit drinking.

Hasn't affected my brothers though."
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: A-Train on November 04, 2010, 07:14:52 PM
Two friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them, 'Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up.'
'Sure,' they said, 'You're welcome.' So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer.

Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, 'What do you do for a living?'

'I'm a hit man,' was the reply.

'You're joking!' was the response.

'No, I'm not,' he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a largetelescopic sight. 'Here are my tools.'

'That's a beautiful telescopic sight,' said the other friend, 'Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here.' So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.

'Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window.' 'Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom... Ha Ha, I can see she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbour in there with her........He's naked, too!!!

He turned to the hit man, 'How much do you charge for just wounding somebody?'

'I'll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger.'

'Can you do two for me now?'

'Sure, what do you want?'

'First, shoot my wife, she's always mouthing off, so shoot her in the mouth.'

'Then the neighbour, he's a friend of mine, so just shoot his cock off, that will teach him a lesson.'

The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.

'Well, are you going to do it or not?' said the friend impatiently.

'Just be patient,' said the hit man calmly, 'I think I can save you a grand here.....'
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Pashley on November 04, 2010, 07:28:32 PM
 bkbkbkbkbk
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Day Dreamer on November 05, 2010, 06:03:42 AM
Saw that coming, but still funny
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: mae on November 05, 2010, 12:12:39 PM
Hee hee!
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Escaped Lunatic on November 05, 2010, 02:54:00 PM
"Wait a second.  There are two guys with her.  Hold on another moment and I think I can save you 2 grand."
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: teleplayer on November 12, 2010, 09:59:09 AM
Scam Targeting Older Men

************************

Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at the mall and in dark parking lots, etc. This is the first warning I have seen for men.

I wanted to pass it on in case you haven't heard about it.

A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular Lowe's or Home Depot customers. This one caught me by surprise.

Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping.
Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic.
Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking 20-something girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say, 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to McDonald's.

You agree and they get into the back seat. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet. I had my wallet stolen May 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th, & 29th. Also June 1st & 4th, twice on the 7th, 8th, 10th and 16th, three times last Monday and very likely again this upcoming weekend.

So tell your friends to be careful. What a horrible way to take advantage
of us older men. Warn your friends to be vigilant about this new
threatening scam to us geriatric types. .

Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each. I found cheaper ones for

$1.99 at Dollar General and the Dollar Store and bought them out. Also, you never will get to eat at McDonald's.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Day Dreamer on November 12, 2010, 02:07:30 PM
You are no help at all teleplayer. How can avoid these babes evil girls if you don't tell me where they are. I've been driving out all day searching in order to avoid them.

Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Day Dreamer on November 20, 2010, 02:27:37 AM
A while back, when I was considerably younger, I picked up my date at her parents’ home.

I’d scraped together enough money to take her to a very  nice restaurant. She ordered the most expensive items on the menu. Shrimp cocktail, Lobster, Champagne.

I asked her, “Does your mother feed you like that when you eat at home?”

“No,” she replied. “but my mother’s not expecting a blow job tonight.”

I said "enjoy"
 
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: piglet on November 20, 2010, 06:58:23 AM
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Day Dreamer on November 26, 2010, 02:11:50 AM
Buddy is staggering home from a bar at 2 in the morning. Cops pull up and asks him where he is going.

"Every Saturday night I go to a lecture about all the terrible things involving alcohol" he slurs

They ask "At 2 in the morning? Who the hell gives that kind of lecture?"


MY WIFE!
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Day Dreamer on November 28, 2010, 02:27:37 AM
http://dagobah.net/flash/PW_Boot_to_the_head.swf

This is so fricken funny. Cartoon.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: latefordinner on November 28, 2010, 06:26:18 AM
Quote
...and I leave my entire estate to the people of calgary, so they can move someplace decent
Damn, I wish I had thought of that. OTOH, I'm still alive, so the entire population of calgary will have to wait until they can afford to move on their own.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Con ate dog on November 28, 2010, 07:53:35 AM
Classic!  The Frantics' best sketch ever.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Day Dreamer on November 29, 2010, 04:46:00 AM
What I really want to say is "Thanks a lot," but I'll just end it with "A Boot to the Head!"
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Con ate dog on December 03, 2010, 02:08:31 PM
Proof that men have better friends...

Friendship among Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house.
The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship among Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house.
The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: A-Train on December 04, 2010, 03:45:46 PM
The Old Flame
 
I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend who this morning called 'out-of-the-blue' to see if I was still around.
 
We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used to enjoy together.

I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that "old magic".

"Wow!" I was flabbergasted.

"I don't know if I could keep pace with you now", I said, "I'm a bit older and a bit greyer and balder than when you last saw me. Plus I don't really have the energy I used to have."

She just giggled and said she was sure I would "rise to the challenge".

"Yeah." I said. "Just so long as you don't mind a waistline that's a few inches wider these days! Not to mention my total lack of muscle tone...everything is sagging, my teeth are a bit yellowed and I am developing jowls like a Great Dane!"

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly.

She teased me saying that tubby, grey haired, older men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a great lover.

Anyway, she giggled and said, "I've put on a few pounds myself!"




So I told her to fuck off.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Granny Mae on December 06, 2010, 08:39:21 PM
Heheheheh!! Many a true word spoken in jest! uuuuuuuuuu uuuuuuuuuu ahahahahah ahahahahah
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Day Dreamer on December 07, 2010, 04:53:33 AM
Okay, time for Christmas jokes ...


Three guys pass away on Christmas Eve and are met by St. Peter.

St. Peter says, "In honor of the season, you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas."

The first man fumbles through his pockets and pulls out two lighters. He holds them up proudly and flicks them on.

"What do they symbolize?" asks St. Peter.

"They're candles!"

"Ah! You may pass through the Pearly Gates."

The second man fumbles through his pockets and pulls out a couple sets of keys. He holds them up proudly and shakes them.

"What do they symbolize?" inquires St. Peter.

"They're bells!"

"Ah! You may pass through the pearly gates!"

The third man fumbles desperately through his pockets, finally pulling out a skimpy pair of silky woman's panties. He holds them up proudly.

Puzzled, St. Peter asks, "What do they symbolize?"

"They're Carol's!"
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Day Dreamer on December 07, 2010, 04:56:53 AM
A woman takes her 18-year-old daughter to the doctor. The doctor says, "Okay, Mrs. Jones, what's the problem?"

The mother says, "It's my daughter Darla, she keeps getting these cravings, she's putting on weight and is sick most mornings."

The doctor gives Darla a good examination then turns to the mother and says, "Well,I don't know how to tell you this but your Darla is pregnant - about 4 months would be my guess."

The mother says, "Pregnant?! She can't be, she has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you Darla?"

Darla says, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man, ever!"

The doctor walked over to the window and just stares out it. About five minutes pass and finally the mother says, "Is there something wrong out there doctor?"

The doctor replies, "No, not really, it's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. I'll be damned if I'm going to miss it this time!"
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Day Dreamer on December 07, 2010, 04:59:45 AM
Top 10 Santa Pick-Up Lines

1. Hey Babe, when was the last time you did it in a sleigh?

2. Wanna see my 12-inch elf?

3. I`ve got something special in the sack for you!

4. Ever make it with a fat guy with a whip?

5. I know when you've been bad or good ... so let's skip the small talk, sister!

6. Some of my best toys run on batteries.

7. Interested in seeing the "North Pole"? (Well, that's what the Mrs. calls it)

8. I see you when you're sleeping ... and you don't wear any underwear, do you?

9. Screw the "nice" list -- I've got you on my "naughty" list!

10. Wanna join the "Mile High" club?
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: A-Train on December 16, 2010, 06:36:04 PM
After an excitingly hot 69 position with his wife, Jack remembered he
had a dentist appointment. He was afraid that the dentist would smell
pussy on his breath so he brushed his teeth 7 times, used dental floss
8 times & on top of that gargled 1 liter of Listerine.

As he arrived at the dentist he sucked 2 strong mints. His turn came
up & the dentist told him to take a seat. Feeling confident & relaxed,
Jack  opened his mouth wide. The dentist got close enough & said,
"Man, did you
have 69 before you came here"?  "Why"?  Jack asked, "Does my breath
smell like pussy"?
'


"No" The dentist replied, "Your forehead smells like shit."
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Pashley on December 22, 2010, 09:36:29 PM
This oldy turned up in today's email. Somehow, it struck me as funny this time.

HOW ABOUT THE TRADITIONAL CHRISTMAS CAKE RECIPE:

Christmas Cake Recipe

1 cup of water
1 cup of sugar
4 large brown eggs
2 cups of dried fruit
1 teaspoon of salt
1 cup of brown sugar
Lemon juice
Nuts
1 bottle of whiskey

Sample the whiskey to check for quality. Take a large bowl. Check the whisky again. To be sure it's the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat.

Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar and beat again. Make sure the whiskey is still OK.

Cry another tup. Tune up the mixer. Beat two eggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Mix on the turner. If the fired druit gets stuck in the beaters, pry it goose with a drewscriver.

Sample the whiskey to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Who cares?

Check the whiskey. Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Spoon the sugar or something. Whatever you can find.

Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees.

Don't forget to beat off the turner. Throw the bowl out of the window. Check the whiskey again and go to bed.

KITCHEN WITCH
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: AMonk on December 22, 2010, 11:37:39 PM
No. No. NO.....not whiskey bibibibibi - TEQUILA (Raoul's favourite tipple) :lickass:

Anyway, Cherry Mistmas!! to All akakakakak
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Day Dreamer on January 10, 2011, 06:21:34 AM
Sam had been in the hectic newspaper business for twenty-five years when he decided that he was sick of the stress and quit his job. He bought 50 acres of land in the middle of Nowhere, Vermont. His place was so isolated that the postman came only once a week and he went to the grocery store about once a month.

After six months of near total isolation, he hears a knock on the door. He opens the door and a big bearded Vermonter is standing there. He says, "Names Enoch...your neighbor from four miles over the ridge. Having a party Saturday...thought you'd like to come."

"Great," replies Sam. "After six months of living like this I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thanks for inviting me."

As Enoch is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you, though, there's gonna be some drinkin'." "Not a problem. After 25 years in the newspaper business, I can drink with the best of them."

Again, as he starts to leave, Enoch stops. "More 'n likely gonna be some fightin', too." Tough crowd, Sam thinks to himself. "Well, I get along with people. Don't worry, I'll be there. Thanks again."

Once again, Enoch turns from the door, "I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too." "Now that is not a problem," Sam says. "I've been up here all alone for six long months. I'll definitely be there.

By the way, what should I wear?"

Enoch stops in the doorway one last time and says... "Whatever you want. Just gonna be the 2 of us there."
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: ericthered on January 25, 2011, 04:28:02 PM
Diary of a Dog - Diary of a Cat

EXCERPTS FROM A DOG'S DIARY

Day number 180
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!

Day number 181
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!

Day number 182
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!

EXCERPTS FROM A CAT'S DIARY

DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair ... must try this on their bed.

DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan.

DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.

DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer". More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time...
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Ruth on January 26, 2011, 03:35:13 PM
For my fellow Canuck-Saloonies:
Here is what Jeff Foxworthy has to say about Canadians during a recent appearance at Ceasers in Windsor: 

If your local Dairy Queen is closed from September through May,
You may live in Canada.

If someone in a Home Depot store offers you assistance and they don't work there,
You may live in Canada.

If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you may live in Canada.

If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number,
You may live in Canada.

If 'Vacation' means going anywhere south of Detroit for the weekend,
You may live in Canada.

If you measure distance in hours, you may live in Canada.

If you know several people who have hit a deer more than once,
You may live in Canada.

If you have switched from 'heat' to 'A/C' in the same day and back again,
You may live in Canada.

If you can drive 90 km/hr through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard without flinching, you may live in Canada.

If you install security lights on your house and garage, but leave both unlocked,
You may live in Canada.

If you carry jumper cables in your car and your wife knows how to use them,
You may live in Canada.

If you design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit,
You may live in Canada.

If the speed limit on the highway is 80 km -- you're going 95 and everybody is passing you,
You may live in Canada.

If driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow,
You may live in Canada.

If you know all 4 seasons:
Almost winter, winter, still winter,
And road construction,
You may live in Canada.   

If you have more miles on your snow blower than your car,
You may live in Canada.

If you  find -2 degrees 'a little chilly',
You may live in Canada.


If you  actually understand these jokes, and forward them to all your friends,

You definitely are Canadian and proud to be.
 
 
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Day Dreamer on January 27, 2011, 09:11:30 PM
#1 - yup
#2 - yup
#3 - yup
#4 - yup

 . . .

I guess I'm Canadian (except change Detroit to Buffalo)
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Ruth on January 29, 2011, 06:12:07 PM
Yup, I'm Canadian too. Many of the things Jeff Foxworthy said are true for me too.

Quote
If you design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit,
You may live in Canada.
The first time I didn't have to do this was the year we moved to Minnesota. Now, if you live in MN you also have to plan on snowsuits for Halloween, but we lived in an apartment our first year there and decided to limit trick or treating to the building.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: piglet on January 30, 2011, 02:50:56 AM
so this is apparently for you guys http://www.theglobeandmail.com/news/arts/russell-smith/a-nation-of-language-obsessives-has-roared/article1883391/ (http://www.theglobeandmail.com/news/arts/russell-smith/a-nation-of-language-obsessives-has-roared/article1883391/)
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Ruth on January 31, 2011, 12:28:24 AM
Thanks for the link, Piglet. I'm a double spacer myself and the comma issue gave me grief last year in my English writing class. I taught what I thought was correct and my students called me on it. After research I realized that I, as a Canadian who emigrated to the States, was caught between British English style and American English style.
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Escaped Lunatic on January 31, 2011, 03:56:22 PM
Back when the Earth's crust was still cooling and I was in Elementary School, I was taught to use serial commas.  In middle school when I (sort of) learned to type, I was taught to use a double space after the end of a sentence.  I don't mind if others prefer to skip the extra space and comma, but I usually don't.


As for punctuation and quote marks, all I can say is, "How should I know?".  ahahahahah
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Con ate dog on March 15, 2011, 10:23:56 PM
http://www.ebaumsworld.com/pictures/view/80693957/
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Day Dreamer on March 15, 2011, 10:34:35 PM
http://www.ebaumsworld.com/pictures/view/80693957/

Very timely. This morning on the van to classes, some girls were discussing getting a tat. I sent them the pic, THANKS!
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Pashley on March 16, 2011, 01:57:18 AM
Or show them this one ...
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Day Dreamer on March 16, 2011, 04:25:50 AM
Last month a world-wide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was:

"Could you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"
 

The survey was a massive failure because of the following:

1. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.

2. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.

3. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.

4. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.

5. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.

6. In Israel they didn't know what "please" meant.

7. In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

8. In the UK, Canada and Australia  they hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: AMonk on March 17, 2011, 12:40:47 AM
 

 bpbpbpbpbp ahahahahah
Title: Re: Jokes from my trashbin
Post by: Ben-Dan on March 17, 2011, 12:49:51 AM
The Old Flame
 
I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend who this morning called 'out-of-the-blue' to see if I was still around.
 
We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used to enjoy together.

I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that "old magic".

"Wow!" I was flabbergasted.

"I don't know if I could keep pace with you now", I said, "I'm a bit older and a bit greyer and balder than when you