Jokes from my trashbin

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Re: Jokes from my trashbin
« Reply #1260 on: September 17, 2016, 12:19:13 PM »
Herm is 85 years old and retired. He gets a check-up with his doctor. A week or so afterward the doc sees Herm strolling the boardwalk with his arm around a beautiful, comely young female.

The doctor stops him and asks, “Herm, you must be feeling terrific, yes?”

Herman says, “Just following orders, Doc. You told me to get a hot mama and be cheerful."

The physician exclaims, “Herm, that's not what I told you! I said, ‘You got a heart murmur. Be careful.’” ahahahahah

Re: Jokes from my trashbin
« Reply #1261 on: September 17, 2016, 12:21:29 PM »
Myra Rhodes, a little old lady, answered a knock on the door one day, to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

“Good morning, Ma'am,” said the young man. “If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.”

“Go away!” said Myra brusquely. “I'm broke and haven't got any money.” And she proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. “Don't be too hasty,” he commanded. “Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.” And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.

“Now, if this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.”

Myra stepped back and said with a smile, “Well, let me get you a spoon, young man because they cut off my electricity this morning.”

Re: Jokes from my trashbin
« Reply #1262 on: September 22, 2016, 01:37:56 PM »
A man who had been stranded on a desert island for 10 years all alone sees an unusual speck on the horizon. “It’s certainly not a ship,” he thinks to himself. As the speck gets closer he rules out the possibility of a small boat, then even a raft.

Suddenly emerging from the surf walking towards him comes a drop-dead gorgeous woman wearing a wetsuit and scuba gear. She approaches the stunned guy and asks, “How long has it been since you’ve had a cigarette?”

“Ten years,” he says.

She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a packet of fresh cigarettes. He takes a long drag and says, “Man oh man. This is good.”

She then asks him, “How long has it been since you had a sip of bourbon?”

Trembling, he replies “Ten years.”

She reaches over, unzips the waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him. He opens the flask, takes a long swig and says, “This is absolutely fantastic.”

Then she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wetsuit, looks at the man seductively and asks, “And how long has it been since you’ve played around?”

The guy, with tears in his eyes, replies, “Oh my God. Don’t tell me you’ve got golf clubs in there.”

Re: Jokes from my trashbin
« Reply #1263 on: September 23, 2016, 12:49:42 PM »
My husband and I were dressed and ready to go out for a lovely evening of dinner and theatre. Having been burgled in the past, we turned on a 'night light' and the answering machine, then put the cat in the backyard. When our cab arrived, we walked out our front door and our rather tubby cat scooted between our legs inside, then ran up the stairs. Because our cat likes to chase our budgie we really didn't want to leave them unchaperoned so my husband ran inside to retrieve her and put her in the back yard again.

Because I didn't want the taxi driver to know our house was going to be empty all evening, I explained to him that my husband would be out momentarily as he was just bidding goodnight to my mother. A few minutes later he got into the cab all hot and bothered, and said (to my growing horror and amusement) as the cab pulled away.

"Sorry it took so long but the stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her butt with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck and wrapped her in a blanket so she wouldn't scratch me like she did last time. But it worked! I hauled her fat butt down the stairs and threw her into the backyard … she had better not s#*t in the vegetable garden again."

The silence in the taxi was deafening … ahahahahah

Re: Jokes from my trashbin
« Reply #1264 on: October 06, 2016, 06:54:24 PM »
Dogs can't operate an MRI

But cats can.


What's a pirate's favourite letter in the alphabet?

Not R.

His true love is the C.
when ur a roamin', do as the settled do o_0

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AMonk

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Re: Jokes from my trashbin
« Reply #1265 on: October 25, 2016, 05:45:32 AM »

Q:What do Donald Trump and a Pumpkin have in common?



A:They're orange on the outside, hollow on the inside and responsible people will throw them away in early November



I hope
Moderation....in most things...

Re: Jokes from my trashbin
« Reply #1266 on: October 25, 2016, 01:40:31 PM »
"Bless me father-- for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?"
"Yes, Father, it is.
"And, who was the woman you were with?"
"Sure and I can't be tellin' you Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Patricia Kelly?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Liz Shannon?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
"Was it Cathy Morgan?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Fiona McDonald, then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration.
"You're a steadfast lad,Tommy Shaughnessy,and I admire that. But you've sinned, and you must atone. You cannot attend church mass for three full months. Be off with you "
now!"
Tommy walks back to his pew.
His friend Sean slides over to his seat and whispers "well... what'd you get?"
"Three months vacation and five good leads."

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AMonk

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Re: Jokes from my trashbin
« Reply #1267 on: October 28, 2016, 12:43:03 PM »
When you're from the farm, your perception is a little bit different. A farmer drove to a neighbor's farmhouse and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door. "Is your dad or mom home?" said the farmer.

"No, they went to town."

"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"

"No, he went with Mom and Dad."

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, mumbling to himself, when the young boy says, "I know where all the tools are if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message."

"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably. "No, I really want to talk to your Dad, about your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzy pregnant".

The boy thought for a moment, then says, "You'll have to talk to my Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bulls and $150 for the pigs, but I have no idea how much he charges for Howard."
Moderation....in most things...

Re: Jokes from my trashbin
« Reply #1268 on: November 18, 2016, 12:05:21 AM »
when ur a roamin', do as the settled do o_0

Re: Jokes from my trashbin
« Reply #1269 on: November 19, 2016, 11:41:18 AM »
These warning signs from places all over the globe show just how funny the English language can be when it’s lost in translation.

A hotel in Zurich
Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.

In a cemetery
Persons are prohibited from picking flowers, from any but their own graves.

In a Nairobi restaurant
Customers who find our waitresses rude, ought to see the manager.


On the main road to Mombasa, leaving Nairobi
Take notice: when this sign is under water, this road is impassable.

On a poster at Kencom
Are you an adult that cannot read? If so we can help.

In a Bangkok Temple
It is forbidden to enter a woman, even a foreigner, if dressed as a man.

A cocktail lounge in Norway
Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

A doctor's office in Rome
Specialist in women and other diseases.

Dry cleaners in Bangkok
Drop your trousers here for the best results.

In a Chinese restaurant
Open seven days a week and weekends.

A Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations
Guests are requested not to smoke, or do other disgusting behaviours in bed.

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant
Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.

In a Japanese bar
Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.

A Croatian hotel
The flattening of underwear with pleasure, is the job of the chambermaid.

A hotel in Osaka
You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel, across from a Russian Orthodox monastery
You are welcome to visit the cemetery, where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists and writers are buried daily, except Thursday.

A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest
It is strictly forbidden on our Black Forest camping site, that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent, unless they are married with each other for this purpose.

A Thai advertisement for donkey rides
Would you like to ride on your own ass?

An airline ticket office in Copenhagen
We take your bags and send them in all directions.

In a Chinese jewellery store
Please don’t touch yourself, let us help you to try out. Thanks!

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AMonk

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Re: Jokes from my trashbin
« Reply #1270 on: November 21, 2016, 01:24:45 PM »
 A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?" The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car.

As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound unlike anything he's ever heard before. The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind. He doesn't sleep that night. He tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a seductive sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." Distraught, the man is forced to leave.

Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again. The monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."

The man says, "If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a monk, then please, make me a monk." The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When you find these answers, you will have become a monk."

The man sets about his task. After years of searching he returns as a gray- haired old man and knocks on the door of the monastery. A monk answers. He is taken before a gathering of all the monks. "In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I traveled the earth and have found what you asked for: By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception."

The monks reply, "Congratulations. You have become a monk. We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound." The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is beyond that door." The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.

Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond. Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold. The sound has become very clear and definite. The monks say, "This is the last key to the last door." The man is apprehensive to no end. His life's wish is behind that door! With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob, and slowly pushes the door open.

Falling to his knees, he is utterly amazed to discover the source of that haunting and seductive sound...... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...




But, of course, I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.
Moderation....in most things...

Re: Jokes from my trashbin
« Reply #1271 on: November 22, 2016, 12:41:34 PM »
Thanks AMonk! bibibibibi llllllllll

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AMonk

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Re: Jokes from my trashbin
« Reply #1272 on: November 22, 2016, 02:17:35 PM »
You're Welcome, GM axaxaxaxax
Moderation....in most things...

Re: Jokes from my trashbin
« Reply #1273 on: November 28, 2016, 01:21:53 AM »
I buy all my guns from a guy called "T-Rex".

He's a small arms dealer.
when ur a roamin', do as the settled do o_0

Re: Jokes from my trashbin
« Reply #1274 on: November 28, 2016, 05:49:34 AM »
Did you hear about the fire at the circus?



It was in tents.