Jokes from my trashbin

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Re: Jokes from my trashbin
« Reply #1290 on: February 04, 2017, 12:37:46 PM »
Lawyers should never ask an old grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial in a small outback town the prosecutor called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman who had lived in the town all her life, to the stand. He approached her and asked, “Mrs Jones, do you know me?”

She responded, “Why, yes, I do know you, Mr Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realise you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.”

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, “Mrs Jones, do you know the defence lawyer?”

She again replied, “Why yes, I do. I've known Mr Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a big drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your missus, and one your daughter. Yes, I know him alright.”

The prosecutor nearly died.

The judge asked both prosecutor and defence lawyer to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said:

“If either of you two bloody idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send the both of you to the electric chair.”

Re: Jokes from my trashbin
« Reply #1291 on: February 04, 2017, 12:45:16 PM »
Scientists at Air New Zealand built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners travelling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.

Australian engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new Qantas A380 aircraft. Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the Australian engineers.

When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back rest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin like an arrow shot from a bow.

The horrified Aussies sent Air New Zealand the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the Kiwi scientists for suggestions.

Air New Zealand responded with a one-line memo: "Defrost the chicken …"

Re: Jokes from my trashbin
« Reply #1292 on: February 11, 2017, 01:01:51 PM »
Down at the retirement centre

Eighty-year-old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, “Anyone who can guess what’s in my hand can have sex with me tonight!”

An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, “An elephant?”

Bessie thinks a minute and says, “Close enough.”

 

Old friends

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, “Now don’t get mad at me. I know we’ve been friends for a long time but I just can’t think of your name. I’ve thought and thought, but I can’t remember it. Please tell me what is your name.”

Her friend glared at her, and for a further three minutes, she just stared at her.

Finally she said, “How soon do you need to know?”

 

Senior driving

A senior citizen was driving down the motorway, when his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife’s voice urgently warning him, “Vernon, I just heard on the news that there’s a car going the wrong way on I-5. Please be careful!”

“Hell,” said Vernon, “It’s not just one car. It’s hundreds of them!”

 

Supersex

A little old lady who had lost her marbles was running up and down the halls in a nursing home.

As she ran, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say “Supersex”.

She ran up to an elderly man in a wheelchair, flipping her gown at him, she said, “Supersex”.

He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, “I’ll take the soup.”

 

Driving

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car – neither of them barely able to see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to major crossroad. The traffic light was red, but they drove through.

The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, “I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light.” After a few more minutes, they came to another major junction and, again, the light was red. For a second time, they drove right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous.

Sure enough, at the next junction, the light was red and they drove on. So, she turned to the other woman and said, “Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!”

Mildred turned to her and said, “Oh! Am I driving?”

Re: Jokes from my trashbin
« Reply #1293 on: February 11, 2017, 01:21:34 PM »
Interesting cricketing fact
An interesting but little known fact:

The first testicular guard (box) was used in cricket in1874.

The first cricket safety helmet was used in 1974.


Which means it took 100 years for men to realise that their brains may also be important! :wtf: afafafafaf ahahahahah

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Re: Jokes from my trashbin
« Reply #1294 on: February 13, 2017, 01:49:00 PM »

A wife, being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text,
“If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile.
If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking send me a sip.
If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you!"

The husband, typically unromantic, replied,

"I am on the toilet. Please advise.."   

Re: Jokes from my trashbin
« Reply #1295 on: February 18, 2017, 12:43:10 PM »
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?".


The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"  ahahahahah

Re: Jokes from my trashbin
« Reply #1296 on: February 22, 2017, 12:22:48 PM »
 Wasn't sure where to post this; hope you get a smile! bfbfbfbfbf

50 Shades of Grey, By Pam Ayres

The missus bought a Paperback,
down Shepton Mallet way,
I had a look inside her bag;…
T’was “Fifty Shades of Grey”.
Well I just left her to it,
And at ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared;
The sight filled me with dread.
In her left hand she held a rope;
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down upon the floor,
And then began to strip.
Well fifty years or so ago;
I might have had a peek;
But Mabel hasn’t weathered well;
She’s eighty four next week!!
Watching Mabel bump and grind;
Could not have been much grimmer.
And things then went from bad to worse;
She toppled off her Zimmer!
She struggled back upon her feet;
A couple minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and said
“I am a dominator!!”
Now if you knew our Mabel,
You’d see just why I spluttered,
I’d spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I’d uttered.
She stood there nude and naked
Bent forward just a bit
I went to hold her, sensual like
and stood on her left tit!
Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out;
My God what had I done!
She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
“Step on the other one!!”
Well readers, I can tell no more;
Of what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair,
Turned fifty shades of grey!!

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Re: Jokes from my trashbin
« Reply #1297 on: February 23, 2017, 01:24:50 AM »
 ahahahahah
Moderation....in most things...

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Re: Jokes from my trashbin
« Reply #1298 on: February 24, 2017, 02:25:53 PM »
ROTFLMFAO!!!!!!

axaxaxaxax axaxaxaxax axaxaxaxax axaxaxaxax axaxaxaxax axaxaxaxax
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Re: Jokes from my trashbin
« Reply #1299 on: March 04, 2017, 03:03:40 PM »
What will the Secret Service yell when something is hurtling toward the president?


Donald! Duck!

Re: Jokes from my trashbin
« Reply #1300 on: March 11, 2017, 12:00:04 PM »
A man and a woman are seated next to each other on a flight. They start eyeing each other, and both realise they want to do the same thing. He slips a condom out of his pocket, and she looks delighted.

Rear toilet? He suggests.

Five minutes, she agrees and goes off.

He waits five minutes, then goes and slips in there with her. Right, get that condom on, she says.


Soon, they are both sighing with pleasure.

But a sharp-eyed stewardess has noticed them, and realises what they are up to. So, she humiliates them by making an announcement over the PA system.

“To the lady and gentleman in the rear toilet: we know what you are doing, and it is expressly forbidden by airline regulations. Now, please put those cigarettes out and take the condom off the smoke detector.”

[And what were you thinking?!]


 

 
 

« Last Edit: March 11, 2017, 12:22:23 PM by Granny Mae »

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Re: Jokes from my trashbin
« Reply #1301 on: March 12, 2017, 12:58:53 AM »
The Irish never hesitate to come to the aid of their fellow man...air passengers, in this case!

Shortly after take-off on an outbound, evening Aer Lingus flight from Dublin to Boston, the lead flight attendant nervously made the following painful announcement in her lovely Irish brogue:

"Ladies and gentlemen, I'm so very sorry, but it appears that there has been a terrible mix-up by our catering service. I don't know how this has happened, but we have 103 passengers on board, and unfortunately, we received only 40 dinner meals. I truly apologize for this mistake and inconvenience"

When the muttering of the passengers had died down, she continued, "Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal so that someone else can eat, will receive free and unlimited drinks for the duration of our 10 hour flight."

Her next announcement came about 2 hours later: "If anyone is hungry, we still have 40 dinners available."
Moderation....in most things...

Re: Jokes from my trashbin
« Reply #1302 on: March 18, 2017, 11:49:05 AM »
An Irishman, a Mexican and a blonde guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.
They were eating lunch when the Irishman said, “Corned beef and cabbage!  If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building.”

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, “Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too.”

The blonde guy opened his lunch and said, “Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping, too.”

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.

The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.

The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, “If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!”

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, “I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realise he hated burritos so much.”

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde guy’s wife. The blonde guy's wife said, “Don't look at me. He made his own lunch.” :wtf:

(A blonde guy joke for a change!)

Re: Jokes from my trashbin
« Reply #1303 on: March 23, 2017, 01:26:26 PM »
The spoon: A lesson on how consultants can make a difference in an organisation.

Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant called Steve’s Place, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.

It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.

When the waiter came back to serve our soup, I inquired, “Why the spoon?”


“Well,” he explained, “the restaurant's owner hired a consulting firm to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately three spoons per table per hour. If our staff are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 hours per shift.”

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. “I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now,” he said.

I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter’s fly. Looking around, I saw that all waiters had string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, “Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?”

Oh, certainly!” Then, lowering his voice, he said, “Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the bathroom. By tying this string to the tip of our ‘you know what’, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the bathroom by 76.39 per cent.”

I asked quietly, “After you get it out, how do you put it back?”

“Well,” he whispered, “I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.”

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Re: Jokes from my trashbin
« Reply #1304 on: March 23, 2017, 03:37:17 PM »
I'm glad it wasn't a fork. ahahahahah
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