Jokes from my trashbin

I just got a letter from the FBI.  It turns out, I'm rich beyond my wildest dream 


FEDERAL BUREAU OF INVESTIGATION FBI.WASHINGTON DC.
WASHINGTON D.C ROOM, 7367
J. EDGAR HOOVER FBI BUILDING
935 PENNSYLVANIA AVENUE,
NW WASHINGTON, DC 20535, 0001.
 
 
FEDERAL BUREAU OF INVESTIGATION SEEKING TO WIRETAP THE INTERNET
Attn: Beneficiary.
 
 
We sincerely apologize for sending you this sensitive information via e-mail instead of a certified mail, phone call or a face-to-face conversation, it is due to the urgency and importance of the security information involve. In the quest to cushion the effect of the global financial crisis, American government through the Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI) Washington, DC and the Internet Crime Complaint Center (ic3) has signed an agreement with Nigeria and Ghana for an immediate release of all overdue funds presently logged in their treasury and ensure it is disbursed to the rightful beneficiaries in any part of the world. If you the beneficiary would adhere to this notification it will help stabilize the various economies of the world and reduce the effect of this depressing recession.
 
 
Prior to this agreement our team of security experts has swung into action for transparency and accountability of this periodic project. The Federal Bureau of Investigation (Global Intelligence, Cyber Division) saddled with the responsibility of monitoring activities going on over the internet have discovered your name in the list of unpaid contractors and it might interest you to know that we have conducted a comprehensive investigation on this discovery as stipulated on our protocol of operation and have confirmed that the inheritance fund was endorsed in your favor and it is 100% genuine and hitch free from all facets. You have the lawful right to contact the appropriate authority to claim your payment without further delay.
 
 
Further findings revealed that some corrupt ex- government officials are conniving with some officials of Nigeria Federal Ministry of Finance and the Ghana Commercial Bank to change your account and transfer your inheritance funds to a strange account in China through a man by the name Mr. John Tsai who purported to be your representative, he presented some necessary documentations evidencing your claim purported to have been signed by you for to the release of your contract fund valued USD $12, 500,000.00 (Twelve million five hundred United States dollars).
 
 
Name: Mr. John Tsai
Bank details:
Bank Name: Standard Chattered Bank, Hong Kong.
Account Name: Indo-China Group Ltd.
A/C No: USD114-1025567-8
Swift Code: SCBL 11K111
 
 
As a matter of urgency, you are requested to contact the Central Bank of Nigeria to confirm that Mr. John Tsai is your true representative, so that Central Bank of Nigeria will disburse the inheritance fund to the bank account above and update their payment record but if this Mr. John Tsai is not your cousin/representative ensure you send a disclaimer to the executive governor of the Central Bank of Nigeria/Foreign Remittance Department and instruct him to remit your fund to you without delay via bank to bank wire transfer, online banking, ATM digital card or certified bank draft which are the most secured way to receive fund of such magnitude. Below is the officially established email address of the Central Bank of Nigeria (CBN).
 
 
Name: Gov. Lamido Sanusi
Office Address: Central Bank of Nigeria,
Lagos - Nigeria.
Position: Head Foreign Remittance Department
Email: cenbankpayment@email.com.ng
Direct line: +234 813 032
2364
 
 
We advise that you go ahead in dealing with the Central Bank of Nigeria with the address above and be assured that we are monitoring all their activities as well as your correspondence at all level. If you are presently dealing with any financial institution(s) or person(s) claiming to have relevance to the payment of your overdue funds out-side the above financial institution you are warned in your own interest to stop further communication.
 
 
Be informed that any delay in reaction to this letter will be assumed that Mr. John Tsai is your true representative and the funds will be remitted into the nominated bank account that he has provided. The Central Bank of Nigeria will not be held responsible for any wrong transfer made due to your inability to furnish them with proper/correct information.
 
 
 
 
Yours Faithfully,
Agent Shawn Henry,
Assistant
Director, FBI Cyber Division.

Wow, how do I get in on that   

It always amazes me how beautiful 16 year old girls who's fathers are rich and inteligent scientist/industrialists get murdered by the local government. How is it that they are so smart but unable to provide their sole beautiful 16 year old daughters with any care, education, lawyer, whatever? Where are the mothers?

On top of that, these girls who have no one to turn to as they are prisoners seem to have time to turn to the internet and find me

I, my friends am a saviour to all "beautiful 16 year old Nigerian and Ghanan desparate orphans"

It's from the FBI, so it must be ok.  Go ahead and send him ALL your banking details along with hi-res scans of all your ID docs (especially passport).  I'm sure the money will be tranferred to your account within a few days.

What could possibly go wrong?

Hold the phone! The FBI only investigates internal matters. Had it said CIA, then I'd say go for it.

Somewhere, somebody is going to bite on this.  And you may know him.

Somewhere, somebody is going to bite on this.  And you may know him.

him   

I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one lousy dog in it,





it was a shitzu!       

That's my kind of joke. Really

A burglar breaks into a large mansion.  Everywhere he goes he hears a voice repeating over and over, "Jesus Christ is going to get you."

Finally he enters a room where a parrot is setting on its perch.  When he shines the light on him the parrot repeats the words, Jesus Christ is going to get you."

"What's your name?" The burglar asked

"My name is Moses." The parrot replied.

"What kind of people would name a parrot Moses?" The burglar asked

"The same kind of people," replied the parrot, "who would name a pair of Rottweilers Jesus and Christ."   

Also in today's China Daily:

China was world's second-largest traitor in 2012








oops, that was second-largest trader  

my bad

Lymphomaniac = someone who gets turned on by tumors

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, British scientists found traces of
copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors
already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the Brit's, in the weeks that followed, an American archaeologist
dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the New York Times:
"American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the British".

One week later, Canadian Dept. of Mines and Resources in Newfoundland reported the following:
"After digging as deep as 30 feet in NE Canada , Jack Lucknow, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Jack has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Canada   had already gone wireless."
Just makes you bloody proud to be Canadian, doesn’t it!

 

Way to go, you Cucking Fanuck

Ever wonder how boobs got their names? Easy


Top View  B  Front View  o o  Side View  b

Me and my mate were out drinking one night when he turns to me and says, "You know, I don't know what else I can do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"

I looked at him and said, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach mate... I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes around the bedroom, jump into bed, rub my hands all over my wife's breasts and slap her arse... then I say, 'How about sex sweet cheeks?' ....and funnily enough she's always fcukin sound asleep!!!!".....