As well as the usual reasons (for a guy, I mean), I came here to do business.
I'd heard how easy it was to make a stack of cash. But I ran into a few problems along the way.
First, the Chinese banking system. I met some really useful contacts online here and made, with their help, some fantastic investments in upcoming businesses abroad. I earned a fortune, ploughed it all back and earned an even bigger fortune, but for some strange reason my bank says it hasn't received the money from the Nigerian bank that deals with all these investments. Every time I call my Nigerian partners they say they will solve the problem, but it's expensive for them to do this and I always have to send even more cash to solve the local problems over there. Not to worry, I know it'll all get sorted out eventually. I'm a glass-half-full person. But these bloody Chinese banks.....
Second, my B-plan, money-making scheme involved buying cheap Chinese pharmaceutical products and exporting them back home. They are so cheap, really, I can't understand how they can produce this stuff at such a low price!
Now, the docks here are somewhat chaotic, and some kind of mishap took place. It seems my customers got the wrong products, and I'm now facing litigation in every EU country simply because a few people got sick after taking the stuff I sent them! How unfair is that?!
Anyway, to cut a long story short, I'd also heard that I could get certain, er, useful manly products here with ingredients like tigers' bits and pieces. Now this is actually true. I'm convinced they are working. Every morning I wake up with some memory loss due to baijiu, but my dear wife always says to me, "Last night you just went on and on. You couldn't stop. You always do this too much." Then she flings an empty bottle at me, which I imagine is some Chinese cultural gesture, a way of expressing admiration.
Oh yes, I almost forgot - I'm asking this on behalf of a friend: are there any Brits here who can advise me him whether it's true that the police back home stop looking for you after 6 years of skipping bail?