Jokes from my trashbin

A young Aussie bloke moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job.
The manager asked 'Do you have any sales experience?'


The young man answered 'Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Dubbo.'


The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job. His first day on the
job was challenging and busy, but he got through it.


After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked,  'OK, so how
many sales did you make today?'


The Aussie said 'One!'


The manager groaned and continued, 'Just one? Our sales people average 20 or
30 sales a day.  How much was the sale for?'


£124,237.64


The manager choked and exclaimed £124,237.64!! What the hell did you sell
him?'


'Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook and then
I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing
and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we
went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engined Power Cat.
Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull  it, so I took him
down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x 4 Suzuki'.


The manager, incredulous, said 'You mean to tell me....a guy came in here to
buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a 4x4?'


'No no no, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his lady friend
and I said,


'Well, since your weekend's buggered, you might as well go fishing.'
 
 
   
 
 

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral ... I'm a gynecologist."

I THINK YOU'RE THE FATHER OF ONE OF MY KIDS...

       A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman
waving at him. She says hello. He's rather taken back because he
can't place where he knows her from. So he says, 'Do you know me?' To which

she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'

       Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been
unfaithful to his wife and says, 'My God, are you the stripper from
my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my
buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???'

      She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I' m your son's
teacher.'
 

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over
his mouth and nose. A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial
sponge bath.
Nurse', he mumbles, from behind the mask. 'Are my testicles black?'

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, 'I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to
wash your upper body and feet.'

He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, please check. Are my testicles black?'

Concerned that he may elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worry
about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the
covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles
in the other.

Then, she takes a close look and says, There's nothing wrong with them,
Sir!'

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,
'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very
closely......


-

 
A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?

Results of a recent research shows that there are
7 kinds of sex .

The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex.
* This kind of sex happens when you first meet
Someone and you both have sex until you are
Blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex.
* This is when you have been with your partner
For a short time and you are so needy you will
Have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex.
* This is when you have been with your partner
For a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and
You usually have sex only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex
* This is when you have been with your partner
For too long. When you pass each other in the
Hallway you both say "fuck you."

The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex.
* Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun
In the afternoon and Nun at night.(Very Popular)

The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex.
* This is when you cannot stand your wife any
More. She takes you to court and screws you
In front of everyone.

And; Last, but not least,
The 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security Sex.
* You get a little each month.
But not enough to enjoy your self.

What did the 0 say to the 8?

Nice belt!

 

What did the blind man say as he walked past the fish market?

A guy is walking along the strip in Las Vegas and a knockout looking hooker catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the hooker, "How much do you charge?"
Hooker replies, "It starts at $500 for a handjob."
 
Guy says, "$500 dollars?! For a handjob?! No handjob is worth that kind of money!"
 
The hooker says, "Do you see that Denny's on the corner?"
 
"Yes."
 
"Do you see the Denny's about a block further down?"
 
"Yes."
 
"And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's?"
 
"Yes."
 
"Well," says the hooker, smiling invitingly, "I own those. And, I own them because I give a handjob that's worth $500."
 
The guy thinks to himself, "What the hell? You only live once. I'll give it a try." and accepts the hooker's offer.
 
They retire to a nearby motel. A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realizing that he just experienced the handjob of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500. He is so amazed, he says, "I suppose a blowjob is $1,000?"
 
The hooker replies, "$1,500."
 
"I wouldn't pay that for a blowjob!"
 
The hooker replies, "Step over here to the window, big boy. Do you see that casino just across the street? I own that casino outright. And I own it because I give a blowjob that's worth every cent of $1,500."
 
The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific handjob, decides to put off the new car for another year or so, and says, "Sign me up."
 
Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before. He can scarcely believe it, but he feels he truly got his money's worth. He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and unforgettable experience. He asks the hooker, "How much for some pussy?"
 
The hooker says, "Come over here to the window, I want to show you something. Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us, all those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and showplaces?"
 
"Damn!" the guy says, in awe, "You own the whole city?"
 
"No," the hooker replies. "But I would if I had a pussy."

Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little 5-year-old girl and some construction workers that will make you believe we all can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time.

A young family moved into a house next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew began to build a house on the empty lot. The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an Interest in the goings-on and spent much of each day observing the workers.

Eventually the construction crew, all of them 'gems-in-the-rough,' more or less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her during coffee and lunch breaks and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel Important.

At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her Mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars 'pay' she'd received to the bank and open a savings account.

When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, 'I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us.'

'Oh my goodness gracious,' said the teller, 'and will you be working on the house again this week, too?' The little girl replied, 'I will, if those assholes at Lowes ever deliver the f _ n' sheet rock.'

Brings a tear to your eye, don't it!!!!

This is the kind of joke that can be easily changed to poke fun at whatever group of people you find are in dire need of being laughed at. In my case it's Swedes, as they have not apologised for what they did in 1658.

A ventriloquist is doing a gig at a club, part of the routine being that his dummy tell lots of jokes about how stupid the Swedes are. At some point a Swede sitting among the audience gets up and says, "We Swedes are not as stupid as you say we are!" "No," said says the ventriloquist, "but it's not meant to be taken seriously. It's just for fun".
"Shut up, moron," says the irate Swede, "it's the bastard on your lap I'm talking to!"

Just to show that I can poke fun at Danes too, here is another one:

A Dane had been hired by NASA. On his first voyage into space he was accompanied by a monkey. According to plan, the monkey opens his envelope with instructions first, which tells him what buttons to press, what the right temperature for the engine is and finally there is a thick manual with all the experiments they are to carry out. According to plan, the Dane then opens his envelope. It contains one piece of paper on which is written simply, "Remember to feed the monkey".


Why does Denmark not have a hockey team? It drowned during summer training.

What happened when the Swede went to a mind reader?
He got his money back!

I've heard those as Irish jokes. Or Polish jokes when someone in the room is Irish, just in case they get the joke.

We usually tell them about people from Århus, a large city in Jutland. They tell them about us from Copenhagen.

ey...
you hear the one about the blue sky & white clouds?

neva minds... `wouldn't get it. I't's a bit too far over your heads I believe.

FOLLOW DIRECTIONS CAREFULLY.......
(Never have, never wiil)

IF U DON'T, THE FOLLOWING WILL HAPPEN TO U .... (U WILL FIND OUT LATER ON)

(You know, if you’re going to threaten someone, best to do it right away.)

NOW LISTEN.........

(I’m sorry I wasn’t listening.)




You will probably think this chain letter, like most chain letters, is
full of crap and does not work.

(That might’ve crossed my mind.)

BUT GUESS WHAT...

(What?!)


Y O U ' R E W R O N G
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(OMG!!!)


I KNOW....I KNOW U WILL PROBABLY JUST IGNORE THIS ...

(Damn straight)

BUT IF U DO .. THEN YOUR LOVE LIFE WILL VANISH IN 4-5 YEARS

(......you mean it wouldn’t be immediate?)


READ ON TO LISTEN TO A TAIL OF THE LEGEND OF
"U THOUGHT U KNEW WHAT LOVE IS....."

(Not only is that the wrong “tale” but the title is misspelled, some
legend.)

ONE EARLY MORNING, A WOMAN, WHO ALMOST EVERYONE KNEW AND
LOVED, WENT TO HER GRANDMOTHER'S FUNERAL ......

(Oddly enough, the woman’s name is A Woman. Crazy, I know)

THE WOMEN, NAMED ISABELLA, WAS ABOUT TO BE MARRIED THE
NEXT DAY.

(Hm, a funeral and a wedding back to back? Seems awful inconsiderate of
someone.)

EVERY OTHER GUY WAS JEALOUS AND SHE LOVED THE ATTENTION.....

(Oh yeah, I’m totally jealous that she’s getting married to a guy with
herpes.)

HER GRANDMOTHER LEFT ISABELLA A CHEST WITH A LOT OF SO CALLED
"JUNK" IN IT.

(It was probably a keyboard with a broken “caps lock” button)

SHE FOUND MANY CHAIN LETTERS, INCLUDING THIS ONE, AND THOUGHT WHAT
EVERYONE ELSE THOUGHT ABOUT THEM: "BRIEFLY ADOICANTUIOUSLLY MYTHS" ..

(I’m guessing the emails were so retarded that she MADE UP A WORD for them.)

SO.... WHAT DO U THINK HAPPENED.....

(She got married and had hot raunchy sex. *see previous blog entry*)

THE GROOM CALLED THE WEDDING OFF ........

(Right after her grandmother’s funeral, that bastard!)


SHE THOUGHT "OH WELL I HAVE EVERY OTHER GUY...."

( Gee, I wonder what will happen next)

WELL DID SHE?......

(I don’t know. Yes?)

NO EVERY SINGLE PERSON ON THE PLANET DESPISED HER.....SHE WATCHED THE
WORLD AROUND HER CRIPPLE.....

(Freaking world, for being all crippled and shit.)


AND HER FAMILY DIE :-(

(I didn’t like those bastards much anyway)

NOW WHAT SHE READ ON THE CHAIN LETTER WAS THIS:

(You have AIDS! Bum, Bum, BUM!!)


NOW YOU ARE SEEKED TO PASS THIS ON.

(I am seeked for a lot of things ^_^)


IT HAS BEEN PASSED ON 4 EVER,

(Oh yes, forever, b***es. In fact, it’s a widely known fact that Jesus
got this chain letter for his 33rd birthday and failed to pass it on and
just look what happened to him. Don’t f*** around with this crap.)

AND A PERSON WHO DOES NOT PASS IT ON SHALL HAVE A LOVE LIFE OF COMPLETE
DEVER.

(Don’t bother busting out those dictionaries, English Majors, that word
doesn’t exist.)

NOT ONLY NO A LOVE LIFE BUT SICKNESS AND ILLNESS IN THE FAMILY.

(Well, just as long as it isn’t me)

FOR YOU SHOULD THINK OF OTHERS FIRST...

(F*** them)

BEFORE IT IS TO LATE!!!!!!!

(Bum, Bum, BUM!)

NOW U GO TO FORWARD AT THE EDGE OF YOUR SCREEN
AND MAIL IT TO....

0 PEOPLE ...AND WELL HERE LOOK AT THIS:

IF U DO NOT PASS THIS ON AND TAKE IT AS ANOTHER STUPID CHAIN LETTER THAN
THE FOLLOWING COULD HAPPEN...

(Could happen? You’re taking a chance on probability? You’re a chain
letter, for fuck’s sake, you gotta be definite!)

1. THE LOVE OF YOUR LIFE WILL BREAK UP WITH U 4 NO REASON

(I think that one happened BEFORE I get this letter)

2. A SPECIAL PERSON IN YOUR LIFE WILL START SEEING SOMEONE ELSE
AND LEAVE U BE

(Gee, that’s much better than the first reason. /sarcasm)

3. YOUR LOVE LIFE WILL BREAK APART AND NOT BE PUT TOGETHER IN
AS MANY YEARS AS U R OLD

(My love life was already broken so I guess this really doesn’t count.
However, I will give you your props for spelling like a 5th grader)

4. THE PERSON U R EITHER TOGETHER WITH OR ABOUT TO GET TOGETHER WITH
WITH FALL APART AND CONSIDERABALLY NOT HAPPEN EVER

(These threats suck. Where’s the cancer? Where’s the demise? Where’s the
‘no next gen console for you’?)


BUT DON'T WORRY THERE IS MORE....

(Oh goody)

5. YOUR LIFE WILL SHATTER BEFORE YOUR EYES

(Isn’t that what you basically said in reasons 1-4? In fact, all these
have basically been repeating themselves in just different words)

6. U WILL WATCH THE PEOPLE AROUND U DIE RIGHT BEFORE YOUR EYES

(Ah, congrats on mixing it up a bit. The ‘utter destruction of everyone
around you’ card is always a favorite of mine)

7. A HORRIBLE STORM WILL COME AND KNOCK DOWN YOUR HOUSE AND
KILL YOUR WHOLE FAMILY INCLUDING U.

(Hey, that means I won’t have to take that final! SWEET!)

*OH MY MY MY*

(Golly gosh darn gee willikers Rumsfeld)

IF I WERE U I WOULD DO IT BECAUSE U DON'T KNOW WHAT COULD HAPPEN
WHICH ONE OF THESE IF NOT ALL OF THEM

(If you were me, you would’ve committed suicide to spare the world from
this disastrious chain letter)

BUT DO NOT WORRY IF U DO DO IT THEIR IS A GOOD SIDE IF U DO SEND IT:

(A good side? You’re far too kind.)

TO 5 PEOPLE:
U WILL GET A KISS ON THE HAND FROM YOUR DADDY
*OOOH HOW NICE*

(Uh, shouldn’t that be with the ‘bad stuff’ list? I mean incest isn’t
really a ‘good’ thing, although maybe where you come from it is.)

IF U R GOING OUT WITH SOMEONE, U WILL STAY TOGETHER BUT HE/SHE
WILL LOOK ACROSS THE MALL AT OTHER PEOPLE *HMMM*

(What the f*** is that supposed to mean? These are terrible fates!
You’re killing me! Isn’t there something on this list that isn’t utter
bullshit?!)

FAMILY MEMBERS WILL STAY THE SAME
*LET ME THINK*

(NOT GOOD ENOUGH!! F*** it, I’m not passing this on!)

TO 10 PEOPLE:
U WILL GET A HUG FROM A CUTE PERSON *OOOHHHHH HOW SPECIAL*

(Although I might consider rethinking my position)

IF U R GOING OUT WITH SOMEONE, HE/SHE WILL NOT LOOK AT OTHER
PEOPLE ONLY U *SWEET AIN'T IT*

(Yes, isn’t it sweet of the person you’re going out with not to be a
arseshat? I mean what more could I possible ask for?!)

IF U HAVE 2-3 PEOPLE IN YOUR FAMILY SICK THEY WILL SHOW
IMPROVEMENT *JUST A TAD*

(Just a tad! Like your brother, Chad, he’ll still have cancer, but he’ll
be slightly less d***ish. And this Christmas, he won’t make you feel as
guilty as last year for only getting him 4 gifts. Seriously, that kid’s
an a**hole.)

TO 15 PEOPLE:
YOUR CRUSH WILL FIGURE OUT U R ALIVE *GETTING BETTER*

(Wow, finally my crush won’t pretend like I’m dead whenever I ask her
out. Seriously, the whole ‘I don’t date dead people’ excuse was getting
kinda old. Now she’s gotta come up with another excuse.)

IF U R GOING OUT WITH SOMEONE THAN HE / SHE WILL SAY I LOVE AND
MEAN IT *DEFINITELY*


(You know, if you’re that desperate for an ‘I love you’ I know a purple
dinosaur.)

THE PEOPLE THAT R SICK IN YOUR FAMILY WILL SHOW EVEN BIGGER SIGNS
OF IMPROVEMENT *THAT IS FABOLO*

(Yes, your cousin Fabolo will finally get the chest hair he’s been
dreaming of. You see, Fabolo was a special child, said by doctors to be
forever doomed by a lack of facial hair, but this chain letter sure puts
those bastards in their place, now doesn’t it?)


TO 20 PEOPLE:
YOUR CRUSH WILL GIVE U A KISS ON THE CHEEK *HOW CUTE*

(YES! Dreams do come true! [holy shit this is a long letter])

IF U R GOING OUT WITH SOMEONE U WILL HAVE A NIGHT OF ROMANCE
ALONE/.....AND HE/SHE WILL DEF. DIG U *THAT WILL BE CUTE AS A
PEACH*

(Nothing funny to say but have you ever noticed how a peach looks like a
fuzzy white a**? Seriously, peaches suck)

THE PEOPLE SICK WILL BE OUT OF THE HOSPITAL BUT STILL NOT BETTER NOT
EVEN CLOSE

(Yeah, f*** those guys. Me getting a kiss is far more important than
their lives)

TO 25 PEOPLE: YOUR CRUSH WILL BREAK UP WITH WHOEVER AND NOTICE U R
SINGLE (BUT NOT GO OUT WITH YET!!!!!!)

(Fuck! How many people does a man have to send a chain letter to before
his crush will go out with him!?)

IF U GOING OUT WITH SOMEONE THAN THAT PERSON AND U WILL SAY THEY NEVER
WANT TO LEAVE YOUR ARMS AND MEAN IT

(If this doesn’t work, there’s always super glue.)

THE PERSON SICK WILL BE GETTING BETTER

(Finally, it’s like those F****s had a life-threatening illness or
something)

TO 30 PEOPLE: YOUR CRUSH WILL GO OUT WITH U

(That’s it! There we go. Now all I have to do is find 30 people!)

IF U R GOING OUT WITH SOMEONE THAN U WILL NEVER SEPARATE

(And it only took 30 people to make this happen)

THE PEOPLE WHO R SICK WILL BE AN THE ROAD TO RECOVERY

(I kinda feel jipped at this one. Weren’t the previous two ‘road to
recovery’ish?

TO 35 PEOPLE: YOUR CRUSH WILL FRENCH AND MAKE OUT WITH U THE MOMENT U
SAY YES

(YES! YES! YES!....um, nothing’s happening.)

IF U ARE GOING OUT WITH SOMEONE U WOULD HAVE ALREADY BEEN PASSED THAT
AND DO SOMEMORE

(Not sure what that means but what the hell!)

THE SICK PEOPLE WILL HAVE GOOD NEWS FROM THE DOCTER AND WILL HAVE TO GO
TO HOSPITAL TO TALK WITH HIM

(Huh? Wait, they get out only to go back? You know what, lets just kill
all the sick people already. It’s a waste of a chain letter)

TO 40 PEOPLE: HE WON'T EVER WANT TO STOP * NOW WE R TALKING!!!!!!!* AND
HE WILL SAY I LOVE U AND MEAN IT!!!!

(Jesus Christ! You mean my crush was secretly a guy?! God damn it!)

THE PERSON U R GOING OUT WITH WILL ASK U TO GO STEDY AND WILL GIVE HIS
NECKLACE TO WEAR SO THAT U KNOW HE WILL ALWAYS LOVE U NO MATTER WHAT!!!!

( Another guy! What’s happening to this world?! Were all the women
secretly guys or something?!)

THE PEOPLE WHO WERE SICK WILL GO TO THE HOSPITAL TO TALK TO THE DR. AND
HE WILL SAY THE CANCER OR THE AIDS OR THE HIV IR THE LUCEAMIA OR THE
WHAT EVER WAS WRONG ESCAPED FROM THEIR BODY MIRACULUSSLY AND IS NO WHERE
TO BE SEEN !!!! A MIRACLE

(Hm, have sex with a guy or cure someone’s
cancer/aids/hiv/leukemia/whatever?)


SO THERE U HAVE IT !!!!!!!

(Oh, after reading 40, I hope not)

NOW IF I WERE U I WOULD DEFINATTLY DO THIS I AM SURE THAT THE PEOPLE WHO
THOUGHT THIS IS JUST A PESTY LITTLE CHAIN LETTER IS REGRETTING IT RIGHT NOW

(Yeah, those idiots just don’t kow what they’re missing out on.)

MY FRIEND GOT ONE LIKE THIS

(You have friends?)

AND THOUGHT THAT IT WAS NOT WHAT IT REALLY IS *REAL*.....AND SAVED IT
BUT DID NOT SEND IT HER STEADY BOYFRIEND BROKE UP WITH
HER AFTER 4 YEARS OF ROMANCE

(Sucks for her. Although after 4 years of romance and no proposal, I’m
sure she already had more than enough bad luck going into it)

SO WHAT DID SHE DO WENT BACK ON AMERICA ONLINE AND WENT TO HER SAVED
MAIL AND SENT IT TO AS MANY PEOPLE AS SHE COULD IN 10 MINUTES IT DID NOT
WORK AS ACCURRATLLY BUT IT WORKED AND NOW SHE HAS BEEN GOING OUT WITH
HIM. 2 WEEKS AGO WAS THEIR 5 YEAR ANNIVERSARY.

(Wow, see, all she had to do was annoy the hell out of him.)

NOW DO U THINK THAT WAS A WEIRD COINCIDENCE OR WHAT? I DOUBT IT!!!

(Me too. I mean waht are the odds that you would be sending this chain
letter out to people and yet still write to people of its results.
That’s like saying how you spent your vegas winnings before even winning it)

NOW EVEN THOUGH YOU MIGHT THINK THIS IS LIKE ALL THE REST ISN'T
IT BETTER TO DO IT ANYWAY JUST IN CASE IS IT REALLY WORTH ALL THAT PAIN?

(After reading this far, I can’t feel pain anymore. Honestly, totally numb)

I DID DO IT AND A BOY CALLED ME UP RIGHT AWAY AND ASKED ME TO
GO OUT WITH HIM

(Hey, I got this chain letter from you. Wanna go out? Sure.)

I AM IN LOVE SO WHAT DO WANT TO FALL IN LOVE OR FALL OUT OF IT
GET DUMPED OR GET PUMPED

(I got dumped and pumped at the same time. It’s like eating chocolate
and vomiting at the same time. Good times, good times.)

HAVE YOUR LOVE ONES DIE OR THEIR ILLNESSES DIE??

(Hm, tempting. On the one hand, I do get to collect life insurance, on
the other hand, Cousin Oliver will get to annoy the shit out of me)

U PICK WELL THINK OF IT EASYILY DO U WANT BAD LUCK OR GOOD LUCK !!!!!

(Not sure why that doesn’t end with a ?)


U CHOOSE

(Finally, chain letters are becoming more democratized and giving me
choices.)

BY THE WAY GOOD LUCK AND 4 THOSE DISBELIEVERS

W A T C H O U T !!!!!!!!!!!

U JUST DON'T KNOW WHEN IT WILL HIT YA

(I’m going to stray from the norm and end this chain without really
saying anything funny.)