Jokes from my trashbin

Con and Raoul, are getting very drunk at the Shamrock one night when suddenly Raoul throws up all over himself.

"Oh, no... Now my wife will kill me!"

Con says, "Don't worry, pal. Just tuck a twenty in your breast pocket and tell your wife that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty RMB for the cleaning bill."

So they stay for another couple of hours and get even more drunk.

Eventually Raoul stumbles home and his wife starts to give him a bad time. "You reek of alcohol and you've puked all over yourself! My God, you're disgusting!"

Speaking very carefully so as not to slur his words, Raoul says, "Nowainaminit, I can e'splain everythin. Itsh snot wha jewthink. I only had a cupla drrrinks. But thiss other guy got ssick on me...he had one too many and he juss koudin hold hizz liquor. He said hes was verrry sorry an' gave me twennie kuai for the cleaning bill!"

His wife looks in the breast pocket and says, "But this is forty bucks.."

"Oh, yeah... I almos' fergot, he craPPed in my pants, too."

Besides the shared birthday we share appreciation for the same sick jokes. 

  stil, you are 

And every time I see Stil, I think Russel Peters "im notch a peeees of meetch!"

A man charges into a bank wearing a balaclava and weilding a handgun. He shouts, "Everyone get on the floor!" and he proceeds to empty the cash drawers. As he runs towards the door with the loot, a brave customer yanks off his balaclava. The robber immediately shoots the customer and shouts:"Did anybody else see my face?" "Did anybody else see my face?" he shouts again,waving his gun around. There is silence for a few seconds,before a male voice is heard from a distant corner: "I think my missus caught a glimpse...." 

A doctor is changing the dressing for his 100-year old patient, a black lady.  He has reached the last layer of bandages, which is cotton wool.  This requires very careful tweezering to remove each tuft, so that no pain is caused.

Suddenly the old lady starts to giggle.  Not a reaction the doctor expected.

"Is everything alright?" he asks.

"Oh, Yes," she replies.  "It's just that this is the first time I've ever had my cotton picked by a white man!"

A missionary gets sent into deepest darkest Africa and
goes to live with a tribe there.
He spends years with the people, teaching them to read,
write, and the good Christian ways of the white man. One
thing he particularly stresses is the evils of sexual sin.
Thou must not fornicate or commit adultery!


One day, the wife of one of the Tribe's noblemen gives
birth to a white child. The village is shocked and the chief
is sent by his people to talk with the missionary. "You
have taught us of the evils of sexual sin, yet here a black
woman gives birth to a white child. You are the only white
man that has ever set foot in our village. It doesn't
take a genius to figure out what has been going on!"


The missionary replies: "No, no, my good man. You
are mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence
- what is called an albino. Look over there to your fields.
You see a field of white sheep, and yet amongst them is one
black one. Nature does this on occasion." <br>
The chief pauses for a moment then says, "Tell you
what, you don't say anything about the black sheep,
and I won't say anything about the white child."

A psychiatrist visited a California mental institution
and asked a patient, "How did you get here? What was
the nature of your illness?" He got the following
reply.


"Well, it all started when I got married and I guess
I should never have done it. I married a widow with a grown
daughter who then became my stepdaughter.


My dad came to visit us, fell in love with my lovely stepdaughter,
then married her. And so my stepdaughter was now my stepmother.
Soon, my wife had a son who was, of course, my daddy's
brother-in-law since he is the half-brother of my stepdaughter,
who is now, of course, my daddy's wife.


So, as I told you, when my stepdaughter married my daddy,
she was at once my stepmother! Now, since my new son is brother
to my stepmother, he also became my uncle. As you know, my
wife is my step-grandmother since she is my stepmother's
mother. Don't forget that my stepmother is my stepdaughter.
Remember, too, that I am my wife's grandson.


But hold on just a few minutes more. You see, since I'm
married to my step-grandmother, I am not only the wife's
grandson and her hubby, but I am also my own grandfather.
Now can you understand how I got put in this place?"

32 pages of jokes ...AWESOME!

I was going through mine I'd saved in my bigpond e-mail account and I want to tell you this is one of my favourite jokes..................    

A Senior driver ….Grandma’s letter.

The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a "Honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day, because I had just come from a thrilling choir practice followed by a powerful prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus ……………. because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed that green light.

I found that LOTS of people love Jesus. Why, while I was sitting there, the nice man behind started honking like crazy, and he leaned out of his window and screamed, "for the love of God, GO! GO!"

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for the Lord. Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people.

I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love. There must have been a man from Florida back there, because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach.

I saw another man waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. When I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was an Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back.

My grandson burst out laughing; why even he was enjoying this religious experience. A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.
I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So I waved to all my sisters and brothers, smiled at them all, and drove on through the intersection.

I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again, and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window, and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!

Share Grandma's letter with your friends.

Happy days
wOZfromOZ.

Did you hear about the banker who was recently arrested for embezzling $100,000 to pay for his daughter's college education?

As the policeman, who also had a daughter in college, was leading him away in handcuffs, he said to the banker, "I have just one question for you. Where were you going to get the rest of the money?"

This might have been posted before

    One day, a houseparent/ deaf school Dorm Supervisor went to her Dean with a complaint.

    “I have several girls in my dorm who have recently started using make up and lipstick. But instead of blotting off their lipstick on toilet paper, they are leaving lipstick marks on the bathroom mirrors! It’s hard to wash the lipstick off! I’ve struggled to remove the lipstick marks, but I can’t seem to find a way to get them off the mirrors! None of the girls will admit they left the lipstick marks, so I end up having to wash the mirrors myself! This is not OK! What should I do? I need your help.”

    The Dean thought for a moment and then she came up with a cleaver idea. Then, she shared her thoughts with the Dorm Supervisor who enthusiastically agreed.

    “Yes! Yes! That is a champ idea!”

    So, the Dean and the Dorm Supervisor went to the girls dorm and called a meeting with several of the girls; not all, just the leaders, some of whom they suspected might be involved with leaving lipstick marks on the mirrors, but they did not point fingers at anyone in particular.

    The meeting was to be held in the bathroom. The girls were quite curious about having a meeting in the bathroom, so they eagerly attended to see what was up. When they arrived, they saw the Dean and the Dorm Supervisor there.

    The Dean said, “Ladies, first I want to than you for coming to share a few moments of your time with me. However, I notice we have a little bit of a problem. Apparently there have been some girls leaving lipstick marks on the bathroom mirrors. You know that today, lipstick is made to stay on the lips. It’s really strong and doesn’t wash off easy. Your poor Dorm Supervisor has been struggling to wash off the lipstick marks from the mirrors, but it has been hard. She has not been able to find a way to get these marks off. But the two of us recently talked with the school janitor, and the janitor gave us a great idea to finally removed the lipstick marks. Your Dorm Supervisor will show you now.”

    The girls watched as the Dorm Supervisor found herself a squeegee. Then she walked over to one of the toilets, lifted the lid, and plunged the squeegee down into the toilet water to get it nice and wet. Then she walked with the squeegee over to one of the mirrors and began washing and wiping it down. Amazingly, the lipstick came right off!

    The girls eye opened wide in shock! They looked back and forth at each other while the cat got their tongue! No one mentioned a word, but their faces said it all!

    The Dean said, “Now that you know we have found the best way to remove the lipstick marks from the mirrors, please go and tell others. Spread the word to the other girls. Now you all know that the best way to blot your lipstick from your lips is to use toilet paper.”

    Before they left, the Dean looked at them sternly and nodded to make sure all the girls clearly understood the message.

After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb....

'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver, 'Would you please take your seat so we can leave?'
'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today.'
'I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job!
And what if something should happen?' protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.
'There might be something extra in it for you,' says the Pope.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.

'Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!' pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. 'Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license,' moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but The cop takes one look at him, goes Back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

'I need to talk to the Chief,' he says to the dispatcher.
The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.

'So bust him,' says the Chief.
'I don't think we want to do that - he's really important,' said the cop.
The Chief exclaimed, 'All the more reason!'
'No, I mean really important,' said the cop.
The Chief then asked, 'Who have you got there, the Mayor?'
Cop: 'Bigger.'
Chief: 'Governor?'
Cop: 'Bigger.'
'Well,' said the Chief, 'Who is it?'
Cop: 'I think it's God!'
Chief: 'What makes you think it's God?'

Cop: 'He's got the f**ing Pope as a chauffeur!'

General Cosgrove was interviewed on the radio recently.



You'll love his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children. Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you gotta love this! This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion of an ABC interview between a female broadcaster and General Cosgrove who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military headquarters.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
But you're equipping them to become violent killers.



 



GENERAL COSGROVE:



Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?



 



The radio went silent and the interview ended.

 

Twelve Irish priests were about to be ordained.  The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy, beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them.
 
Each priest had a small bell attached to his weenie, and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.

The beautiful model danced before the first candidate, with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest, Sean.

Poor Sean...
As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off, clattering across the ground and laid to rest in nearby foliage.  Embarrassed, Sean quickly scrambled to where the bell came to rest.
He bent over to pick it up....

...and all the other bells started to ring.