Jokes from my trashbin

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NATO

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Re: Jokes from my trashbin
« Reply #1110 on: November 10, 2013, 08:27:04 PM »
"Is your refrigerator running?"

"Yes.."

"Good, mine too, I will see you at the refrigerator race tomorrow."

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Pashley

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Re: Jokes from my trashbin
« Reply #1111 on: November 16, 2013, 01:31:38 PM »
Today's email had one with jokes for several Aussie provinces. The one for New South Wales was the only one I found funny:

A senior citizen drove his brand new Holden Senator out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 120 kph, enjoying the power of the car.  “Amazing,” he thought as he flew down the M1, pushing the pedal even more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a highway patrol car, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 140 kph, then 180kph, and then suddenly he thought, “What am I doing? I’m too old for this!” and pulled over to await the copper’s arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the copper stepped out of his vehicle and walked up to the car. He looked at his watch, before saying, “Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a new reason for speeding, a reason I’ve never before heard, I’ll let you go.”

The old gentleman paused then said, “Three years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman, I thought you were bringing her back.”

“Have a good day, Sir,” replied the copper.
Who put a stop payment on my reality check?

Re: Jokes from my trashbin
« Reply #1112 on: November 17, 2013, 04:44:12 AM »
4 out of 3 people have trouble with math
For you to insult me, first I must value your opinion

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teleplayer

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Re: Jokes from my trashbin
« Reply #1113 on: November 19, 2013, 09:58:15 AM »
THE ULTIMATE ETHNIC JOKE:

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a. Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Canadian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, an Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 2 Africans walk into a fine restaurant.



"I'm sorry," says the maître d', after scrutinizing the group, "You can't come in here without a Thai. "

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kitano

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Re: Jokes from my trashbin
« Reply #1114 on: November 21, 2013, 05:40:56 PM »
Really really old joke

A little boy is sitting on a bench eating a snickers and an old guy comes up to him and says
"You shouldn't eat candy, it will make you fat and unhealthy"
The boy replies "My grandad lived to 110 years old"
"Did he eat candy every day?"
"No, he minded his own fucking business"


Re: Jokes from my trashbin
« Reply #1115 on: November 26, 2013, 02:05:11 AM »
The other day I did a lineage exercise. I found out I am a decendant of Julius Caesar; I guess that explains the stabbing pains every Ides of March  kkkkkkkkkk
For you to insult me, first I must value your opinion

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A-Train

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Re: Jokes from my trashbin
« Reply #1116 on: November 27, 2013, 03:46:30 PM »
Subject: New Password Request
 
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Website chat assistant: Your password has expired - you must register a new one.
 
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User: ok, roses
 
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User : 1Fuckingprettyroseshovedupyourassifyoudon'tgivemeaccessrightfuckingnow
 
Website: Sorry, that password is already being used.
"The young do not know enough to be prudent, and therefore attempt the impossible and achieve it, generation after generation.

Pearl S. Buck

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xwarrior

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Re: Jokes from my trashbin
« Reply #1117 on: December 02, 2013, 02:06:17 AM »
I seem to get a lot of stuff from The Listener back home .... which seems to get some of its stuff from Reddit .... so here is some more.  ababababab


A thread at Reddit invites users to come up with an interesting new idea for a film “by adding a letter to an existing title”.
Among the thousands of suggestions:

 Look Who’s Stalking Now
 The 400-Year-Old Virgin
 Bathman
 Maid Max
 Mad Marx
 Diet Hard
 Kindergarten Coup
 Sitar Wars
 Romancing the Stoner
 The K-King’s Speech
 Rocky HIV
 Citizen Kanye
 Irony Man


You might be able to think of others.   agagagagag
« Last Edit: December 02, 2013, 02:13:36 AM by xwarrior »
I have my standards. They may be low, but I have them.
- Bette Midler

Re: Jokes from my trashbin
« Reply #1118 on: December 02, 2013, 03:33:26 AM »


A thread at Reddit invites users to come up with an interesting new idea for a film “by adding a letter to an existing title”.

No Country for Sold Men
Crocky
Funny Farce
Harry Spotter
Spider Iman (Davis Bowie's wife)
Supperman
For you to insult me, first I must value your opinion

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CaseyOrourke

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Re: Jokes from my trashbin
« Reply #1119 on: December 06, 2013, 10:08:27 PM »
A preacher is taking his morning walk when he sees a man fishing by the dam.

He looks at the stringer and sees it is full of fish.

"Looks like you have a fine mess of dam fish." the preacher observed.

"Sure do preacher." the man said, "You like dam fish?"

"I surely do love dam fish." the preacher replied, "They taste so much better than fish caught I open water.

"Preacher, would you like to come to our house tonight for dinner?" the man asked.

"For fresh dam fish, I surely would." said the preacher.

That night the preacher went to the man's house where he was introduced to the man and his young son.

After everybody sat down at the table the preacher said grace.  Once he said Amen, he said to the boy sitting beside him...

"Young man, would you pass me some of that dam fish?"

"Sure," said the young man, "After you pass me some of them fucking potatoes."

Re: Jokes from my trashbin
« Reply #1120 on: December 09, 2013, 01:31:03 PM »
Did you hear that Bill Nye the Science Guy got a prostitute pregnant? They say the baby is a fucking know-it-all
For you to insult me, first I must value your opinion

Re: Jokes from my trashbin
« Reply #1121 on: December 23, 2013, 02:35:27 PM »
A wife says to her husband, “You’re always pushing me around and talking behind my back.”
He says, “What do you expect? You’re in a wheel chair.”   bibibibibi





I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice! At least I presume she was poor – she only had $1.20 in her purse.   kkkkkkkkkk
For you to insult me, first I must value your opinion

Re: Jokes from my trashbin
« Reply #1122 on: December 24, 2013, 09:13:53 PM »
In keeping with the holiday spirit:

"Mommy, my friend said Santa and daddy are the same person"

"Well, they are similar in some ways"

"How?"

"They both come just once a year"
For you to insult me, first I must value your opinion

Re: Jokes from my trashbin
« Reply #1123 on: December 29, 2013, 04:33:18 AM »
There were three lady friends, one engaged, one a mistress and the other married trying to decide how to treat their men to a sexy, novel evening. They choose to wear black leather bra's, stiletto heels and a leather face mask then discuss it the next day.

Over coffee the engaged woman says "My man leaped on me and we made love all night. Greatest.Night.Ever!"

The mistress adds "Me too, we had wild uninhibited sex all night. He lasted longer than usual".

The married woman sighs "My husband came home and said 'What's for dinner, Batman?' "
For you to insult me, first I must value your opinion

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A-Train

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Re: Jokes from my trashbin
« Reply #1124 on: January 14, 2014, 03:42:39 PM »

               THE BAGPIPER
 
Time is like a river. You cannot touch the water twice, because the flow that has passed will never pass again. Enjoy every moment of life.

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Nova Scotia back country.
 
As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.
 
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.
 
I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.
 
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.
 
And as I played "Amazing Grace", the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head was hung low, my heart was full.
 
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothing like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."
 
Apparently I'm still lost...it's a man thing.
"The young do not know enough to be prudent, and therefore attempt the impossible and achieve it, generation after generation.

Pearl S. Buck