Jokes from my trashbin

Morris, an 82 yrs old man went to the Doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the Doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later the Doctor spoke to Morris and said "You're really doing great aren't you". Morris replied, "Just doing what you said Doc: Get a hot momma and be cheerful" The Doctor said,"I didn't say that... I said You've got a heart murmur; be careful"

A little old man shuffled slowly into an Ice Cream parlour and pulled himself up slowly and painfully on to a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a Banana Split. The waitress asked kindly,"crushed nuts?" "No", he replied, "Arthritis".

Chinese Torture

A young man is wandering and lost in a forest when he comes upon a small house. Knocking on the door, he is greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long gray beard. "I'm lost," said the young man. "Can you put me up for the night?" "Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man." "OK," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old, and entered the house.

During dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful, and had a fantastic body. She was obviously attracted to the young man as she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone. During the night, he could bear it no longer and snuck into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet, so the old man wouldn't hear. Near dawn, he crept back to his room, exhausted but happy.

He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes, he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest." "Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought."If that's the best the old man can do, then I don't have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window, and threw the boulder out.

As he did so, he noticed another note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle." In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to taut. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder.

As he plummeted towards the ground, he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bed post."

 

An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some orange, and lime trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!' The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked..

Holding the bucket up, he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.'

Some old men can still think fast !!! ;}

TEACHER: Why are you late?
STUDENT: Class started before I got here.
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TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
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TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?' GLENN:
K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
(I Love this child)
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TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
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TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't
have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
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TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
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TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
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TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry
tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father
didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.....
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TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
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TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as
your brother's... Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.

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TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when
people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher

A Husband and wife had a tiff.. Wife called up her mom and said, "He
fought with me again, I am coming to live with you."

Mom said, "No darling, he must pay for his mistake. I am coming to
live with you".

A Husband and wife had a tiff.. Wife called up her mom and said, "He
fought with me again, I am coming to live with you."

Mom said, "No darling, he must pay for his mistake. I am coming to
live with you".

Mom really said, "No darling, he must pay for his mistake.  Your father and I are coming for a visit, and we're buying one way tickets."

why, what did the father in law do wrong?

yes, I know, husbands are always guilty of something or other, and if we don't know what we did or said wrong,we're even guiltier. Spare me the lecture

why, what did the father in law do wrong?

Nothing.  He's just there to add more punishment to the son-in-law by being yet another person interfering in the daily functioning of the household.

Last week, my aunt Ethel checked into a Glasgow hotel for her 70th birthday and found that she was lonely...... She thought, I'll call one of those men for escorts and sensual massages.......
She found one calling himself Tender Tony......
He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs, and she felt quite certain she could bounce a 10p coin off his well oiled bum.......
She figured, what the hell I'll give him a call.
Good evening, ma'am, how may I help you???.....
Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy!!!!......
Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she rushed right in,...... Hi, I hear you give a great massage. I'd like you to come to my hotel room and give me one!!!!.... I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything, I'm ready! Now how does that sound?........
He replied... that sounds absolutely fantastic, but this is the hotel reception......., you need to press 9 for an outside line!!!.....

A blind carpenter walks into a lumber mill and shouts out, "I am a blind carpenter and I need a job."

The foreman walks over to the blind carpenter and says, "If you're blind, how can you work in a lumber yard?"

The blind carpenter says, "I can tell any piece of lumber by it's smell."

The foreman says "O.K. I'll give you a test and if you pass the test, you've got a job."

The foreman takes the carpenter over to a table and says, "I will put some lumber on a table in front of you and you tell me what it is."

The foreman then puts a piece of lumber on the table and says, "Ready!"

The carpenter bends over and takes a deep sniff moving his head from one side to the other. He says "That's a number two pine, two by four, eight foot long."

The foreman says, "Duh! That's right, but pine is easy to tell by the smell and I think you guessed the rest. Here's another piece of lumber for you to identify."

The foreman puts a piece of lumber on the table and says, "Ready!"

The blind carpenter bends over and takes a deep sniff moving his head from one side to the other and says, "This is a tough one, please turn it over so I can smell the other side."

The foreman does this and says "Ready!"

The carpenter takes another deep sniff moving his head from side to side. He then says, "That's a clear heart red wood, four by four, six foot long."

The foreman is amazed and says "That's right, but I still think you're just lucky and still guessing. Let me try one more time and if you get it right you got a job."

The foreman then goes into the office and asks his secretary to help him stump the blind carpenter by taking off all of her clothes and laying down on the table. She takes off her clothes walks out of the office and lays face down on the table. The foreman says, "Ready!"

The blind carpenter takes a deep sniff moving his head from side to side. He looks puzzled and takes another sniff and says, "This also is a tough one, please turn it over so I can smell the other side."

The foreman gestures with his hand to the secretary, she rolls over, and the foreman says, "Ready!"

The blind carpenter moves his head from side to side again looking puzzled. He sniffs one more time, looks surprised, and says, "I got it. That's a shit house door off a tuna boat."

He got the job.

A man goes to the doctor because he's feeling lousy. After a battery of tests, the doc tells the man he has bad news.

"How bad is it?" he asks

"Well," starts the doctor, "you have 10  .  .  .  "

"10 what! Years? Months? WHAT?!" the man screams

"9  .  .  ."

Authorities report with glee that they caught a woman sneaking across the boarder by hiding in a piñata.

What's the big deal? A blind kid could have found her