Jokes from my trashbin

There was a young fellow named Bill,
Who took an atomic styled pill,
        His navel corroded,
        And his asshole exploded,
And they found both his nuts in Brazil.

A bloke was injured when he and his horse were struck by a car on a country road. The bloke sued the car driver and was in court under cross examination. The lawyer said "You've told us about your injuries,yet according to the accident report, you told the investigating officer at the scene, that you were not injured at all?" The man replied: "Well, let me explain. When the officer arrived at the scene, he first looked at my horse and said "Looks like he has a broken leg". Then he took out his gun and shot the horse. He then asked me how I was doing. I of course immediately said,"I'm fine!"

Good one granny

A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie.

The genie said “OK, OK. You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I’m getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!”

The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, “I’ve always wanted to go to Hawaii but I’m scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?”

The genie laughed and said, “That’s impossible. Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete…how much steel!! No-think of another wish.”

The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, “I’ve been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don’t care and that I’m insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women….know how they feel inside and what they’re thinking when they give me the silent treatment….know why they’re crying, know what they really want when they say ‘nothing’…. know how to make them truly happy….”

The genie said, “You want that bridge two lanes or four?”

A blonde called her boyfriend and said, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure it out or how to get it started."

Her boyfriend asked, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde said, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

Her boyfriend decided to go over and help with the puzzle. She let him in and showed him where she had the puzzle spread all over the table. He studied the pieces for a moment, looked at the box, then turned to her and said, “First of all, no matter  what we do, we’re not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger.”

He took her hand and said, “Second, I want you to relax. Let’s have a nice cup of hot chocolate and then…………., “ he sighed, …..”Let’s put all these frosted flakes back into the box.”

A guy walks into a bar carrying an 18 inch-long alligator.

The bartender says, "What do think you're doing? Get that god damn thing out of here. I don't allow pets in my establishment".

The guy tries to explain. "Look he won't cause any trouble. He's well trained and I'll prove it". He puts the alligator on the bar and says, "Open!" The alligator open its mouth, showing off its razor sharp teeth. "Now watch this," he says and he unzips his pants and lays his balls gently on the alligator's teeth. He then orders a beer and drinks it. The whole time, the alligator keeps its mouth open and doesn't move.

After finishing the beer the man gently removes his balls and zips up his pants. He says, "Close!" and the alligator closes its mouth.

"You see? He's perfectly trained. He would do that for anybody. Do you want to try it?"

After a minute, the bartender says, "Sure, I'd like to try. But I don't know if I can keep my mouth open that long.""

Mike the cannibal is a family man. He passed his brother on the street last week.

Tony died from a walk-in closet. He walked too fast, and too far.

Bloke went to see his Doctor. "Doctor, I have constant wind, what can you give me?" The Doctor replied: "A kite."

Q: What did one cannibal say to the other while eating a clown?

A: Does this taste funny to you?

Or as one cannibal said to another, "I don't feel sso good, must have been someone I ate."

What did one lesbian frog say to the other lesbian frog?

We do taste like chicken

What did one lesbian frog say to the other lesbian frog?

We do taste like chicken

If two gay guys drive from New York to Florida at the same time as two lesbians make the same drive, who gets there first?

The lesbians.  They're doing 69 the whole way there while the guys are still home packing their shit.

A photon checks into a hotel.  The bellhop asks, "Can I help you with your luggage?". It replies, "I don't have any. I'm travelling light".

 

Country bloke visiting the big smoke wandered into a nightclub where one hostess was dancing on a table. "Great legs," he says admiringly. "Really, you think so," she replied. "Definitely," he says. "Most tables would have collapsed by now."