A lame dog limps into a saloon.
He says, "Ahm looking fer the man that shot my paw!"
*
Two fish in a tank and one says to the other "Do you know how to drive this thing?"
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what did the zero say to the eight?
`Nice belt
*
2 birds sat on a perch. one turns to the other and asks "can you smell fish....?"
*
There are two snowmen in a field.
One says to the other "can you smell carrots?"
*
A guy walks into a bar with jumper cables on his head...
the bartender looks at him and says " Don't even think of starting anything in here!"
*
What do you call a cow with seizures?
Beef Jerky...
*
Daddy tomato, mommy tomato and baby tomato was walking down the side walk. Soon baby tomato started falling behind. Daddy tomato goes back, steps on him and says catch up.
*
how do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
put it int microwave until it,s bill withers
*
A man is sitting next to a woman on a plane. Turns out she's a drop-dead-gorgeous blonde! When they reached 27,000 ft. the plane leveled out and woman sneezed.
This would have been perfectly normal but for the fact that after she sneezed she shuddered violently. About five minutes later she sneezed and once again shuddered violently. Five minutes later she sneezed and shuddered yet again.
Finally the man had, had all he could take and his curiosity got the better of him.
"Are you O.K." He asked
"Yes," said the woman "I'm fine, why?"
"It's just that three times you've sneezed and three times you've shuddered violently almost immediatly afterwards."
"Oh, I'm sorry," said the woman "It's just that I've got this rare condition, every time I sneeze I orgasm"
"Oh really," said the man and being a keen follower of medical science asked "What are you taking for it."
"Pepper," answered the woman.
*
Did you hear about the blond buying a topless, bottomless bathing suit and then later finding out it was a belt?
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What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?
Where's my tractor
*
Once upon a time, two little boys, James and David, were sharing a room in the hospital. As they were getting to know each other a little bit, James eventually asked David, "Hey, what're you in for?"
"I'm getting my tonsils out. I'm a little worried," said David.
"Oh, don't worry about it," James said. "I had my tonsils out and it was a blast! I got to eat all the ice cream and Jell-O I wanted for two weeks!"
"Oh yeah?'' replied David. "That's not half-bad. So, James, how about you? What're you here for?"
"I'm getting a circumcision, whatever that is," James answered.
"Oh my god, circumcision? I got one of those when I was a baby and I couldn't walk for two years!"
*
Do you know how to hunt polar bears?
Well, you cut a hole in the ican and put a ring of peas around it.
Then, when a polar bear comes up to take a pea ...
you kick him in the icehole.