Jokes from my trashbin

 

Ya George that was a good one.  

And you wonder why your population is so low. Whether she says yes or no, she'll kick your ass!   

    
Love that one, George. Reminds me of Kevin Bloody Wilson and "The Kid, He Swears a Little Bit"
"And if you want to know who runs this show, f***in' me!"

A Horse and a Chicken
A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's Mercedes back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking!

A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, "Grab for my 'thingy' and pull yourself up." And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.

The moral of the story: If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes to pick up chicks.

Virus Definitions
THE GEORGE BUSH Virus...

(Causes your computer to think it won the election, even though the motherboard and fatherboard bought it.)


THE AL GORE Virus...

(Causes your computer to just keep counting.)


THE CLINTON Virus...

(Gives you a 7-Inch Hard Drive with NO memory.)


THE BOB DOLE (AKA: VIAGRA) virus...

(Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.)


THE LEWINSKY virus...

(Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then emails everyone about what it did.)


THE RONALD REAGAN virus...

(Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.)


THE JESSE JACKSON virus...

(Warns you constantly about illegitimate file reproduction, while illegitimately reproducing files in the background.)


THE MIKE TYSON virus...

(Quits after two bytes.)


THE OPRAH WINFREY virus...

(Your 300 MB hard drive shrinks to 100 MB, then slowly expands to re-stabilize around 200mb.)


THE JACK KEVORKIAN virus...

(Deletes all old files.)


THE PROZAC virus...

(Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care.)


THE JOEY BUTTAFUOCO virus...

(Only attacks minor files.)


THE ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER virus...

(Terminates some files, leaves, but will be back.)



And last but not least....

THE LORENA BOBBITT virus...

(Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy, then discards it through Windows.)

The TRUE story of Cinderella
Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her. As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball but only on TWO conditions...

" First you must wear a diaphragm "

Cinderella agrees, " What's the second condition? "

" You must be home by 2 a.m. Any later and your diaphragm will turn into a PUMPKIN "

Cinderella agrees to be home by 2 a.m. The appointed hour comes and goes and Cinderella doesn't show up. FINALLY at 5 a.m. Cinderella shows up, looking love-struck and **VERY** satisfied.

" Where have you been? " demands the fairy godmother " Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin 3 hours ago!!! "

" I met a prince fairy godmother. He took care of everything "

" I know of no prince with that kind of power! Tell me his name! "

" I cannot remember exactly.... Peter Peter, something or other... "

My Dear Wife,

You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel.

Please don't be upset - I shall be home before midnight.


When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:


My Dear Husband,

I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old. As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of Math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference - 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.

Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.

Which two Americans were shot in theaters?

Abraham Lincoln and the guy sitting in front of Pee Wee Herman.

The interview afterward:

So tell us, Mrs Lincoln, other than the unpleasantness during the second act, what did you think of the show?

What do you call a punch drunk Japanese sailor whose father has disentery?

A slap-happy Jappy with a crap-happy pappy   

Q: What's the difference between a great circus and a row of beautiful naked blondes?










Wait for it,











A: One is an array of cunning stunts . . .

 

And the other?  A cascade of sunning aunts? (You didn't specify their age)

You are very clever with words, quite the cunning linguist

Ireland, Saint Patrick's Day morning. Some are celebrating, some in church, some sleeping off the previous night's celebrations, and so on. Our hero, however, is out on the golf links getting in a round while it is quiet. This lad is really a dedicated golfer.

As I heard it, this was a very long story with much dialog in a Canadian's notion of an Irish accent, full of "sure and bigorra" and such. I'll give the short version.

When he drops his putt into the seventh hole, he hears a curse and a leprecaun's head pops out of the hole. He quickly reaches down and captures it. Of course, the leprechaun promises to grant a wish if he lets him loose. Our lad wants to be a better golfer. OK.

Next year, already the county champion, he's back, catches the leprechaun again, wants to be an even better golfer. The leprechaun tells him there might be side effects, but our lad considers golf too important to trifle with. The wish is granted.

Next year, champion of Ireland, he's back, wants the same wish again. The leprechaun says he cannot do it, the side effects might be too severe.

What side effects?
It might ruin your love life. Can you not see the effects already?
No, not at all.
Well, tell me then, how many times did you make love in the last month?
Twice.
Twice! A big strong lad like you, and handsome with it? That's dreadful.
Well, for a priest in a small parish with no car, it's not bad.