Jokes from my trashbin

When I was a kid, my dad wore a mood ring.

When he was in a good mood it turned blue.

When he was in a bad mood, it left a big red mark on my forehead.

 

Three old women were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home

When an old man walked by.

One of the old women shouted out,

"We bet we can tell exactly how old you are."

The old man said,

"There is no way you can guess it, you old fools."

One of the old women said,

"Sure we can! - Just drop your trousers and under shorts and we can tell your exact age."

Embarrassed a little, but anxious to prove they couldn't do it, he dropped his drawers.

The old women asked him to first turn around a couple of times and to jump up and down several times. Then they all piped up and said,

"You're 87 years old!"

Standing with his trousers and boxers around his ankles, the old gent asked,

"How in the bloody hell did you guess?"

Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, the three old ladies happily shouted in unison...

"We were all at your bloody birthday party yesterday!"

One day an old lady asked her doctor, "Hypothetically, if someone were to commit suicide, what's the best safest method?"

The doctor pondered, "Well, even though I don't approve, if they were to do it, they should do it right. Probably shoot themeselves in the heart."

"Exactly where would that be?" she asked

"Just behind your left breast"

The next day the news reported

For some reason, there's an old lady who shoot herself in her left knee

Which type of girl has more fun; blondes or brunettes?

















the one with the biggest boobs

An Italian and a Greek were debating about who's civilization was more superior.

The Greek says "We built the Parthenon"

The Italian replies with "We built the Colosseum"

Then the Greek says "We created the basis for modern math and science"

To which the Italian says "We made the Roman Empire, the basis for conquest"

Frustrated, the Greek says "We developed great sex"

The Italian tells him, "True. But we introduced it to women!"

For all the Chemistry nuts, I once told a joke -
- there was no reaction


In my lab I told my assistant -
- Hey baby, I have my ION you


I asked her, do you have any Sodium Hypobromite?
- She said, NaBrO


I thought she was full of Beryllium, Gold and Titanium -
- Because she was Be-Au-Ti full


I also said she was made from Copper and Tellurium -
- She was CuTe


She threw Sodium Chloride at me -
- That was a salt


So we then blew up the experiment but not on purpose -
- Oh well, oxidants happen


I asked her if she wanted to hear a Potassium joke -
- she said K


What do you get when Oxygen and Potassium went on a date -
- It went OK


What do you do with a dead chemist?
- Barium


Do you know if Silicon is the same in Spanish?
- Si


I think all the good Chemistry jokes -
- Argon

 

Thanks for taking the time to send the jokes Day Dreamer. People today in Aus don't seem to tell jokes like they used to. I look forward to reading the latest jokes.

Heisenberg was going to tell a physics joke, but he was uncertain if anyone would like it.

Pauli had a great one, but it was excluded.

Thanks for taking the time to send the jokes Day Dreamer. People today in Aus don't seem to tell jokes like they used to. I look forward to reading the latest jokes.

Thanks (to everyone), I'm glad others are enjoying the jokes too

An elderly man was getting ready to celebrate his 100th birthday at the home. All his friends got together and sent him a lovely lady of the evening. She knocked at his door and he answered it to find every mans dream girl; tall, blonde and huge tits!

As she was getting undressed, she said to him,  "I'm here to give you supersex."

He looked her up and down, then said to the young lady, "Thanks for coming over young lady but I think I'll have the soup!"

 

PS. it wasn't George

There was a Packers fan with a really crappy seat at Lambeau. Looking with his binoculars, he spotted an empty seat 5 rows up on the 50-yard line. Thinking to himself "what a waste" he made his way down to the empty seat.

When he arrived at the seat, he asked the man sitting next to it, "Is this seat taken?"

The man replied, "This was my wife's seat. She passed away. She was a big Packers fan."

The first man replied, "I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. May I ask why you didn't give the ticket to a friend or a relative?"
 
The guy sitting said, "They're all at the funeral."

 

There was a Packers fan with a really crappy seat at Lambeau. Looking with his binoculars, he spotted an empty seat 5 rows up on the 50-yard line. Thinking to himself "what a waste" he made his way down to the empty seat.

When he arrived at the seat, he asked the man sitting next to it, "Is this seat taken?"

The man replied, "This was my wife's seat. She passed away. She was a big Packers fan."

The first man replied, "I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. May I ask why you didn't give the ticket to a friend or a relative?"
 
The guy sitting said, "They're all at the funeral."

 

What does Hitler call his favourite chair?

Mein Kampfy Chair.