Jokes from my trashbin

  Love it!!

Uh, Where's momma bear?

Where is BABA bear?

Look behind you...

 GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN

         Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa, half
         discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful with fertile soil.

         Between 23 and 30, a woman is like America, well developed
         and open to trade, especially for someone with cash.

         Between 31 and 35, a woman is like India, very hot,
         relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.

         Between 36 and 40, a woman is like France, gently aging
         but still warm and a desirable place to visit.

         Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain, with a
         glorious and all conquering past.

         Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Yugoslavia, lost the
         war and haunted by past mistakes.

         Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Russia, very wide and
         borders are now un-patrolled.

         After 70, she becomes T. Wildly beautiful, with a
         mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages....only those with an
         adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge visit
         there.
 
 
         GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN

         Between 1 and 70, a man is like Iran     -    ruled by a dick.

Question:

How  do you tell the difference between a Canadian Police Officer, Australian  Police Officer, and an American Police Officer?

Pose  the following question:

You're  walking down a deserted street .Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a  huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams  obscenities, raises the knife, and charges. You are carrying a Glock 40,  and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you  and your family.

What do you do?

CANADIAN  POLICE OFFICERS

Answer:  (Immediate thought processes) Is  the knife a ceremonial kirpan? Does  he prefer to communicate in English or French?

Will this negatively  impact my chances of promotion?

Is this just his way of telling me that  he pays my wages, and wants my job?

Would this be an appropriate time  to hug him and sing Koombaya?

Will the media do a profile of him and  how he was loved by everyone including his dog?

Is the alleged "client"  a member of the NDP or an Environmental Group?

Is he just a squeegee  kid / pan handler trying to make a living on the mean streets?

Is he a  member of a gang that is just "misunderstood" by society?

Is he a  recent illegal immigrant to this country, and just doesn't know how to  approach the police?

Is he recently released on parole and hasn't been  properly integrated back into the community?

Is he a victim of fetal  alcohol syndrome, and just doesn't understand what he is doing?

Is he a  member of the Muslim community or other visible minority group?

Warn  and Charter him as he approaches. 

AUSTRALIAN  OFFICERS

Answer:  BANG!



AMERICAN  OFFICERS Answer:  BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

BANG! BANG!  BANG! Click.... (Sounds of reloading) BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!  BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click.

George W. Bush, his wife Laura, and Dick Cheney were all flying on Air Force One.

George looked at Laura, chuckled and said, "You know, I could throw a $1,000 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy."

Laura shrugged her shoulders and replied, "I could throw ten $100 bills out of the window and make ten people very happy."

Cheney added, "That being the case, I could throw one hundred $1 bills out of the window and make a hundred people very happy."

Hearing their exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes and said to his co-pilot, "Such big-shots back there. Shit, I could throw all of your asses out the window and make 56 million people very happy."

If you're one of those 56 million...Repost

Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die!

This is so priceless and so easy to see happening - customer service, being what it is today!

A lady died this past January, and ANZ bank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00, now is somewhere around $60.00.

A family member placed a call to the ANZ Bank:

Family Member:
'I am calling to tell you that she died in January.'

ANZ:
'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'

Family Member:
'Maybe, you should turn it over to collections.'

ANZ:
'Since it is two months past due, it already has been.'

Family Member:
So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?'

ANZ:
'Either report her account to the frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!'

Family Member:
'Do you think God will be mad at her?'

ANZ:
'Excuse me?'

Family Member:
'Did you just get what I was telling you . . . The part about her being dead?'

ANZ:
'Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor.'

Supervisor gets on the phone:
Family Member:
'I'm calling to tell you, she died in January.'

ANZ:
'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'

Family Member:
'You mean you want to collect from her estate?'

ANZ:
(Stammer) 'Are you her lawyer?'

Family Member:
'No, I'm her great nephew.'(Lawyer info given)

ANZ:
'Could you fax us a certificate of death?'

Family Member:
'Sure.'( fax number is given )

After they get the fax:
ANZ:
'Our system just isn't set up for death. I don't know what more I can do to help.'

Family Member:
'Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. I don't think she will care.'

ANZ:
'Well, the late fees and charges do still apply.'

Family Member:
'Would you like her new billing address?'

ANZ:
'That might help.'

Family Member:
'Rookwood Memorial Cemetery, 1249 Centenary Rd, Sydney Plot Number 1049.'

ANZ:
'Sir, that's a cemetery!'

Family Member:
'Well, what the **** do you do with dead people on your planet?'

Maybe not funny but certainly bureaucracy at its best

Hilarious...and inspiring. I mean, haven't you noticed the Chinese tradition of burning mock paper money when relatives die? And those huge paper houses, with small kettles, stoves and even pets in them? Letters and bills for the dead would then have a meaning, you have to pay them off, even in the afterlife! I wonder then if you can set up a pre-death savings account? I'll go burn one gazillion dollars right now, just to be on the safe side

And cemetery plots could have mail boxes. And the postal service could have a whole new department, The Dead Letter Office, where all letters to the dead would go. Neither rain, nor hail and snow and death and all that...

    

Dear Mr. Government,

Re: Passports

Dear Mr. Minister,

I'm in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe this. How is it that Radio Shack has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a t.v. cable from them back in 1997, and yet the Federal Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date.

For crying out loud, do you guys do this by hand? My birth date you have on my social insurance card, is on all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 30 years, my health insurance card, my driver's license, on the last eight bloody passports I've had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off the planes over the last 30 years, and all those insufferable census forms that are done at election times.

Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's name is Maryanne, my father's name is Robert and I'd be absolutely astounded if that ever changed between now and when I die!

I apologize, Mr. Minister. I'm really pissed off this morning. Between you an' me, I've had enough! You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my address. What is going on? You have a gang of Neanderthals workin' there?!

Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I don't want to dig up Yasser Arafat, for crying out loud. I just want to go and park my butt on a sandy beach. And would someone please tell me, why would you give a shit whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days?! If I ever got the urge to do something weird to a chicken or a goat, believe you me, I'd sure as hell not want to tell anyone!

Well, I have to go now, 'cause I have to go to the other end of the city and get another copy of my birth certificate, to the tune of $60! Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day?? Nooooo, that'd be too easy and maybe make sense.

You'd rather have us running all over the place like chickens with our heads cut off, then find some asshole to confirm that it's really me on the stupid picture - you know, the one where we're not allowed to smile?! Hey, you know why we can't smile? We're ticked off!

Signed - An Irate Australian Citizen

ANTI-RELIGION GROUP BLAMES HOLY MAN!!

In California yesterday, a group of atheists blamed the latest earthquake on a noted, local holy man.  "It's all that San Andreas' fault," one man said.

PS.

Dear Sir/Madam,

In the the last fortnight you have spent how many tax payer's dollar's in an official airforce flyover of my late father's passing. Etc,. etc.,

Yours Sincerely,

Jane Citizen

This is an old one...I received it from a newsgroup in 1990. (Yes One Nine Nine Zero!)

It's always appropriate at this time of year. Enjoy!

[Formatting is the original]

 /* ---------- "Twelve Thankyou Notes of Christmas" ---------- */

         THE TWELVE THANKYOU NOTES OF CHRISTMAS
 
 My dearest darling Edward,                        Dec 25
    What a wonderful surprise has just greeted me!  That
 sweet partridge, in that lovely little pear-tree; what
 an enchanting, romantic, poetic present!  Bless you, and
 thank you.
                     Your deeply loving
                               Emily.
 
 Beloved Edward,                                   Dec 26
    The two turtle-doves arrived this morning, and are cooing
 away in the pear-tree as I write.  I'm so touched and grateful!
                     With undying love, as always,
                               Emily.
 
 My darling Edward,                                Dec 27
    You do think of the most original presents!  Who ever
 thought of sending anybody three French hens?  Do they
 really come all the way from France?  It's a pity we have
 no chicken coops, but I expect we'll find some.  Anyway,
 thankyou so much; they're lovely.
                    Your devoted Emily.

 Dearest Edward,                                   Dec 28
    What a surprise!  Four calling birds arrived this morning.
 They are very sweet, even if they do call rather loudly -
 they make telephoning almost impossible - but I expect they'll
 calm down when they get used to their new home.  Anyway, I'm
 very grateful, of course I am.
                     Love from Emily.
 
 Dearest Edward,                                   Dec 29
    The mailman has just delivered five most beautiful gold
 rings, one for each finger, and all fitting perfectly!
 A really lovely present!  Lovelier, in a way, than birds,
 which do take rather a lot of looking after.  The four that
 arrived yesterday are still making a terrible row, and I'm
 afraid none of us got much sleep last night.  Mother says
 she wants to use the rings to "wring" their necks.  Mother
 has such a sense of humor.  This time she's only joking,
 I think, but I do know what she means.  Still, I love the rings.
                     Bless you,
                          Emily.
 
 Dear Edward,                                      Dec 30
    Whatever I expected to find when I opened the front door
 this morning, it certainly wasn't six socking great geese
 laying eggs all over the porch.  Frankly, I rather hoped
 that you had stopped sending me birds.  We have no room
 for them, and they've already ruined the croquet lawn.
 I know you meant well, but let's call a halt, shall we?
                     Love,
                          Emily.
 
 Edward,                                           Dec 31
    I thought I said NO MORE BIRDS.  This morning I woke
 up to find no more than seven swans, all trying to get
 into our tiny goldfish pond.  I'd rather not think what's
 happened to the goldfish.  The whole house seems to be
 full of birds, to say nothing of what they leave behind
 them, so please, please, stop!
                     Your Emily.
 
                                                   Jan 1
    Frankly, I prefer the birds.  What am I to do with eight
milkmaids?  And their cows!  Is this some kind of a joke?
If so, I'm afraid I don't find it very amusing.
                    Emily.
 
 Look here, Edward,                                Jan 2
    This has gone far enough.  You say you're sending me
 nine ladies dancing.  All I can say is, judging from the
 way they dance, they're certainly not ladies.  The village
 just isn't accustomed to seeing a regiment of shameless
 viragos, with nothing on but their lipstick, cavorting
 round the green, and it's Mother and I who get the blame.
 If you value our friendship, which I do (less and less),
 kindly stop this ridiculous behavior at once!
                     Emily.
 
                                                   Jan 3
    As I write this letter, ten disgusting old men are
 prancing up and down all over what used to be the garden,
 before the geese and the swans and the cows got at it.
 And several of them, I have just noticed, are taking
 inexcusable liberties with the milkmaids.  Meanwhile the
 neighbors are trying to have us evicted.  I shall never
 speak to you again.
                     Emily.
 
                                                   Jan 4
    This is the last straw!  You know I detest bagpipes!
 The place has now become something between a menagerie
 and a madhouse, and a man from the council has just
 declared it unfit for habitation.  At least Mother has
 been spared this last outrage; they took her away yesterday
 afternoon in an ambulance.  I hope you're satisfied.
 
 Sir,                                              Jan 5
    Our client, Miss Emily Wilbraham, instructs me to
 inform you that with the arrival on her premises at 7:30
 this morning of the entire percussion section of the
 London Symphony Orchestra, and several of their friends,
 she has no course left open to her but to seek an injunction
 to prevent you importuning her further.  I am making
 arrangements for the return of much assorted livestock.
                     I am, Sir, yours faithfully,
                          G. Creep,
                          Attorney at Law
 
 Author unknown.

A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always was to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside.
 
The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"
 
My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."

So the Pastor questioned, "Then how come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?"
 
He whispered back, "I'm in the Secret Service."