Jokes from my trashbin

William, an 82-year-old man, went to the doctor for a check-up.

A few days later the doctor spotted William walking down he street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm.

A few days later, William went back to the doctor for a follow-up appointment where the doc remarked, “you’re really doing great, aren’t you?”.

William replied, “just doing what you said doctor, ‘get a hot mamma and be cheerful'”.

The doctor said, “I didn’t say that. I said, you got a heart murmur. Be careful”.

A man boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs. A female crew member took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator, which she did.

The man firmly advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for the crabs staying frozen, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out. She was annoyed by his behaviour.

Shortly before landing in New York, she announces over the intercom to the entire cabin, "would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans please raise your hand".

Not one hand went up so she took them home and ate them herself. 

An IT manager finally decided to go on a holiday so he booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life. Until a hurricane came unexpectedly and the ship went down. The man found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing. Only bananas and coconuts. As he was used to staying at top hotels, the man had no idea what to do.

So for the next four months he ate bananas and drank coconut juice as he longed for his old life. One day, as he was lying on the beach, he spotted movement out of the corner of his eye. It was a rowing boat and in it was a gorgeous woman. She rowed up to him and in disbelief he asked, "where did you come from? How did you get here?".

"I rowed from the other side of the island," she said, "I landed here when my cruise ship sank".

"Amazing," he said, "I didn't know anyone else had survived. How many of you are there? You were really lucky to have a rowing boat wash up with you".

"It's only me," she replied, "and the rowing boat didn't wash up, nothing did". Confused, he asked, "then how did you get the boat?". "Oh simple," replied the woman, "I made the rowing boat out of raw material that I found on the island, the oars were whittled from gum tree branches, I wove the bottom from palm branches and the sides and stern came from a eucalyptus tree".

"But, enough of that," she said, "where do you live?". Sheepishly he confessed that he had been sleeping on the beach the whole time.

"Well, let's row over to my place, then" she said. After a few minutes of rowing, she docked the boat at a small wharf. As the man looked onto shore he nearly fell out of the boat. Before him was a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman tied up the boat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man could only stare ahead, dumbstruck.

As they exchanged their stories, the woman began to move closer toward the man and said, "we've been out here for a very long time. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for all these months?".

The man couldn't believe what he was hearing. "You mean I can check my email from here?" he said. 

A neighbour comes to Tom and says, “Your dog bit my mother in law!”

Tom is horrified and apologises, adding, “You’ll probably be wanting financial recompense, won’t you?”

“Absolutely not!” Smiles the neighbour, “I’d love to buy the dog!”

A wife asked her husband to go shopping for their weekly groceries. “Can you go and buy one carton of milk and if they have tomatoes, get six,” she told him.

The husband agreed and headed off to the shops. An hour later he walked back into the house with six cartons of milk.

“Why on earth did you buy six bloody cartons of milk?!” the wife asked her husband in shock.

The husband shrugged and replied, “Well, they had tomatoes.”

It could have been worse.  She might have asked for dozen, if they had eggs.

A True Story of the Lovely Granny Mae

Granny Mae's favorite casino added a sauna so that gamblers could take a nice relaxing break from time to time.  On GM's first visit the sauna, 2 young Chinese women were in the same room.

There was a chiming message from the left arm of one of the Chinese women.  She pressed the inside of her elbow and a voice was heard saying "I'll meet you at the bar in 2 hours.  The woman said, "I've got a chip in my arm.  It's so convenient being able to get voicemail."

A few moments latter, there was a ringing sound.  The 2nd Chinese woman held her left hand up to her head and had a quick phone conversation.  When it was done, she said "I've got a chip in my hand.  It's so convenient being able to take a phone call.

Granny Mae was feeling a little bit too low tech, but decided to do something about it.  She stepped out of the room for a moment.  When she came back in, she had a piece of toilet paper hanging from her rear end.  The other two women appeared confused, until Granny Mae said "Well look at that.  I'm getting a fax."

 

EL, did those two Chinese ladies tell on me? As a matter of interest, I just received a message from Firefox about my computer and I have no idea what it meant and I can't get it back. Thank goodness my Computer guy will sort it out when I renew my security.

Make sure to ask him to help you install a webcam and Skype. 

A man walked into a bar and sat down, and ordered a beer. As he sipped the beer, he heard a soothing voice say “nice tie!” Looking around, he noticed that the bar was empty except for himself and the bartender at the end of the bar. A few sips later the voice said “beautiful shirt“.

At this, the man called the bartender over. “Hey…I must be losing my mind,” he told the bartender. “I keep hearing these voices saying nice things, and there’s not a soul in here but us.”

“It’s the peanuts,” answered the bartender.

“Say what?”

“You heard me,” said the barkeep. “It’s the peanuts … they’re complimentary.

 

A new bride goes into the Chemist and hands over a repeat prescription for sleeping pills. "I don't know what I would do without them." she tells the pharmacist. "I would never get any sleep." "Be careful that you don't take too many." cautioned the pharmacist. "Me?" says the bride. "Oh I never use them, I give them to my husband."

 

What did Yoda say when he found out that he was in a film?

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