• Home
  • Search
    •  
  • Login
    • Username: Password:

      Did you miss your activation email?

Author Topic: Date. Saturday Night. Help.  (Read 31039 times)

kitano

  • Barfly
  • *
  • Posts: 2472
    • Children of the Atom
Re: Date. Saturday Night. Help.
« Reply #90 on: December 21, 2012, 02:01:36 PM »
Could you not do a lot of your PhD long distance?

I bet there will be a lot of universities that offer that option, online courses are pretty good nowadays. It depends on the degree of course....

MK

  • Barfly Dude
  • *
  • Posts: 1884
Re: Date. Saturday Night. Help.
« Reply #91 on: December 21, 2012, 03:13:00 PM »
Definitely look into doing your PhD whilst staying in China if that's what you want.  In addition to distance programs there's also a lot of Western uni's with Chinese partners and all kinds of cooperation going on - New York University are the big US players opening a whole new campus in Shanghai soon, but there's a lot of smaller scale cooperation going on too.

The Local Dialect

  • Global Moderator
  • *****
  • Posts: 3900
Re: Date. Saturday Night. Help.
« Reply #92 on: December 21, 2012, 03:56:11 PM »
You're a lot younger than EL. I wouldn't necessarily listen to him on this, as you and he are at vastly different stages of life.

I don't know. Personally, I'd make sure that this girl absolutely is the one before you derail any personal goals for her sake. Has she introduced you to her family? Talked about marriage? Is she going to be happy staying with you if you don't do anything to advance your career? Ambitious successful Chinese women usually also have ambitions for their partners. You're a teacher? Will she get frustrated, at some point, with your career and the relative lack of upward mobility associated with it?

It isn't going to get any easier to go back and get a PhD with time. Ask me how I know. While I don't regret marrying my husband and starting my family, doing so basically made going back for a PhD extremely impractical, if not impossible. Also, if your girlfriend has basically said that moving to the States is off the table completely, then she's asking you to decide, right now, to make China your home for the rest of your life. That's not a decision that I'd make without a few more years here under your belt.

yli

  • Barfly
  • *
  • Posts: 193
Re: Date. Saturday Night. Help.
« Reply #93 on: December 21, 2012, 06:27:06 PM »
You're a lot younger than EL. I wouldn't necessarily listen to him on this, as you and he are at vastly different stages of life.

I just turned 24, so maybe. I'm not sure how old EL is. 30s maybe?

Quote
I don't know. Personally, I'd make sure that this girl absolutely is the one before you derail any personal goals for her sake. Has she introduced you to her family? Talked about marriage? Is she going to be happy staying with you if you don't do anything to advance your career? Ambitious successful Chinese women usually also have ambitions for their partners. You're a teacher? Will she get frustrated, at some point, with your career and the relative lack of upward mobility associated with it?

I switched jobs because I realized that I could do something else besides teach English. I now work for Microsoft and occasionally as a freelance translator.

Quote
It isn't going to get any easier to go back and get a PhD with time. Ask me how I know. While I don't regret marrying my husband and starting my family, doing so basically made going back for a PhD extremely impractical, if not impossible. Also, if your girlfriend has basically said that moving to the States is off the table completely, then she's asking you to decide, right now, to make China your home for the rest of your life. That's not a decision that I'd make without a few more years here under your belt.

She's not asking me to make a decision right now, but she's afraid I'm just some tourist who'll bolt the second things get a bit rough. Which come to think about it, was my original escape plan with regards to this place.
« Last Edit: December 21, 2012, 06:35:22 PM by yli »

Granny Mae

  • Barfly
  • *
  • Posts: 3890
Re: Date. Saturday Night. Help.
« Reply #94 on: December 21, 2012, 09:30:25 PM »
yli, may I ask Sunshine's age?  Your heart is telling you to stay, but your logic is telling you that you have (hopefully) many many years of life ahead and that in reality, your QUALITY of life may depend on qualifications you obtain while you are younger and before you really start getting into debt by buying a house and having a family. Statistically, in Australia at least, more people are having at least two marriages and many are now not bothering to marry and are frequently changing partners. I was speaking to a 47yrs old English guy yesterday who came here to Australia in 1988 (24yrs ago). He was just a young guy like you travelling around however he met this great lady and married her and a child was born. Now, he is broke and pays child maintenance and lost his house and money in the divorce. He too has no real qualifications and works in a manual job to keep a roof over his head and food on his table. His future is so bleak that he does not date anyone and he talks to old ladies like me. I don't know him that well, but my observations are that he is a very sad person who looks at the attractive young ladies walking by. He knows that he can't afford to touch the "goods" so he just watches the world go by in between going to work in a menial job.  Yli, I feel for you and I am sorry that none of us can give you the answer to your problem ; there are too many variables.

CaseyOrourke

  • Barfly
  • *
  • Posts: 332
  • USAF TACP
    • Yankee Texan In China
Re: Date. Saturday Night. Help.
« Reply #95 on: December 23, 2012, 10:03:16 AM »
Give her some time.  If you decide to go to the states on a short visit, ask her if she wants to go just to visit.  She may fall in love with the place just like Mrs. Casey did in her first week there.  If you decide to get married then in a few years decide it is time to go home, her love for you may outweigh her desire to stay and when she realizes you are willing to go the ends of the earth for her, she may be ready to do the same for you.

The Local Dialect

  • Global Moderator
  • *****
  • Posts: 3900
Re: Date. Saturday Night. Help.
« Reply #96 on: December 23, 2012, 11:50:02 AM »
El is past his 30s. He can elaborate if he wants, but I think it is safe to say that he's "established," if you know what I mean? He's not just starting out in his adult life, he'd been through buying a house, marriage, jobs, all of that in America before coming here.

I think it is one thing to come to China in your 40s, 50s or 60s and decide to stay here forever, but it is another thing entirely to do it at 24. And I say this as someone who came to China at 23 and has been here for 10 years now. I have spent pretty much my entire adult life in China, and I will just say that if there is something you want to accomplish back home, be it a PhD, a career, whatever, it will be much easier to accomplish it now than it will be 10 years down the road when you have a possible family to support. Even if the plan now is to stay in China, you may find yourself in a position at some point down the road when you need or want to return to America and you don't want to be stuck with no qualifications and no marketable experience.

I will say that I used to make the decision to stay in China every year. It was renewable. But when I got married, that wasn't the case anymore. China is going to be home until one day we decide it isn't. And it might never come to that. Anyone who is getting into an international relationship/marriage needs to realize that there is always going to be one party who has to be away from home, possibly forever. I will say quite honestly that I don't think it is fair for either party to take either country completely off the table. This is going to sound harsh, but I think if you're going to be inflexible about where to live, you probably shouldn't marry someone from another country (I suppose unless that person also has no desire to live in their home country). It isn't fair to say "I want you to make this ultimate sacrifice for me but I am not willing to do the same for you."

Luckily, I think Casey is right. A lot of people say no initially, but when you have a family you put the family unit first and I think most are able to compromise their individual wants if a move to the other country is in the best interests of the family. But this is something you should really sit down and talk with her about. If you're going to be a unit, a real unit, there needs to be compromise on both sides.

yli

  • Barfly
  • *
  • Posts: 193
Re: Date. Saturday Night. Help.
« Reply #97 on: December 23, 2012, 04:06:41 PM »
I'm not going to tell you guys Sunshine's age, but she's at the point where her career's already established. My career on the other hand is just getting started and I have a lot of decisions to make.

This is the first time in my life I've had any responsibility towards another human being.

And it appeared all of a sudden, 10,000 miles from home, in a context that most people never have to think about or deal with.

Sunshine is great girlfriend, but China is a harsh mistress.

Granny Mae

  • Barfly
  • *
  • Posts: 3890
Re: Date. Saturday Night. Help.
« Reply #98 on: December 23, 2012, 09:24:47 PM »
I think you know what you need to do yli! Now that you have a bit more life experience under your belt, I hope that you will find your decision easier to make. bfbfbfbfbf I really wish you all the best in your journey through life. agagagagag

Escaped Lunatic

  • Global Moderator
  • *****
  • Posts: 9881
  • Finding new ways to conquer the world
    • EscapedLunatic.com
Re: Date. Saturday Night. Help.
« Reply #99 on: December 23, 2012, 11:40:42 PM »
Tease me about my age and I'll beat you with my cane. bgbgbgbgbg

Before I teach TLD a few new ways to say "I'm sorry I made you sound so old.  Please stop hitting me. cbcbcbcbcb", I have a few age independent questions for you:

Are you happy living where you are?

Can you imagine living most (possibly all) of the rest of your life in China?

How's life "basking in the Sunshine?" afafafafaf

Can you imagine yourself with her in 10 years?  20 years?  30 years?  40 years?  50 years?

If the answers to all of the above are positive, you really need to look into long distance education and contemplate how to pursue your career inside China.

If you aren't sure (a very distinct possibility), don't rush the decision.  You could think about long distance education even if you aren't looking to stay with Sunshine forever.

There are three things in life you need to fear:

1.  Settling down with the wrong person.
2.  Throwing away your chance with the right person.
3.  Marauding packs of ferrets. 

The good news is that #3 is irrelevant to your current dilemma. ahahahahah  The bad news is that those can happen anywhere. aqaqaqaqaq

As mentioned, don't rush this.  A PhD could be very important to you.  Staying with (or getting away from) Sunshine is an even more important decision.  Happily, since you're only half as decrepit as I am, you have plenty of time to consider your options.
I'm pro-cloning and we vote!               Why isn't this card colored green?
EscapedLunatic.com

The Local Dialect

  • Global Moderator
  • *****
  • Posts: 3900
Re: Date. Saturday Night. Help.
« Reply #100 on: December 24, 2012, 02:33:52 AM »
Nothing wrong with being old! And you're hardly nursing home material anyhow. :P But you're also not 24, which was my point. You often talk about deciding to stay in China and how happy you are with that decision, but I think age and experience is a factor in that.

Even when you settle down with the "right" person, international marriage can be a real breeding ground for resentment when one partner feels like their ambitions were thwarted or that they're stuck somewhere they don't want to be (and this goes for her too, not just you). I'm not saying you should break up with Sunshine or go back to America, but give some real consideration to the possibility that she alone might not be enough to make you happy in China forever.

Escaped Lunatic

  • Global Moderator
  • *****
  • Posts: 9881
  • Finding new ways to conquer the world
    • EscapedLunatic.com
Re: Date. Saturday Night. Help.
« Reply #101 on: December 24, 2012, 03:06:34 AM »
Nothing wrong with being old!

I see I'm going to have to get out some of my special floggers for TLD. cbcbcbcbcb cbcbcbcbcb cbcbcbcbcb

Quote
But you're also not 24, which was my point. You often talk about deciding to stay in China and how happy you are with that decision, but I think age and experience is a factor in that.

Life changing decisions can come up at any age.  Sadly, we can't ask Yli to wait an extra 24 years before making his choice here.  I do hope he'll give all of his options very deep and careful consideration.

A PhD and career in the USA could rock, or it could result in a lifetime of "if only I'd stayed as glorious Sunshine's personal conquest."

A distance learning PhD, a career in China, and a life as Sunshine's personal conquest could rock, or it could result in a lifetime of "if only I'd fled in terror when I had the chance."

Quote
Even when you settle down with the "right" person, international marriage can be a real breeding ground for resentment when one partner feels like their ambitions were thwarted or that they're stuck somewhere they don't want to be (and this goes for her too, not just you).

International and inter-cultural marriages definitely do have their challenges above and beyond "normal" marriages.  I recommend both parties buy an extra sense of humor or two, since it's easy to lose one when things turn surreal.

Quote
I'm not saying you should break up with Sunshine or go back to America,

With Mongols, it's not called breaking up.  It's called fleeing for your life. ahahahahah

Quote
but give some real consideration to the possibility that she alone might not be enough to make you happy in China forever.

That's what happy ending foot massages are for. afafafafaf
I'm pro-cloning and we vote!               Why isn't this card colored green?
EscapedLunatic.com

yli

  • Barfly
  • *
  • Posts: 193
Re: Date. Saturday Night. Help.
« Reply #102 on: December 24, 2012, 05:21:18 AM »
There's a lot of stuff I need to think about. I'll get back to you guys with my decision once I'm done thinking.

The thing is, unlike most expats, I know the language and culture intimately. This further complicates my decision making process.

Maybe in 3 years or 5, I'll wonder if I should have fled towards the treeline instead of offering myself up to the barbarian invaders. Who knows?

yli

  • Barfly
  • *
  • Posts: 193
Re: Date. Saturday Night. Help.
« Reply #103 on: February 20, 2013, 03:34:35 PM »
I think my future will be tied closely to China. I've already started to read much more Chinese and I'm trying to figure out what skills are in demand here so I can work here long term. Being a translator/interpreter is not a stable path to success.

Teaching English on the other hand, is just a dead end. (No offense guys.) The biggest key is to learn the Chinese language and read day in and day out. I'm trying to achieve a more 专业 level of Chinese so I can work in a truly professional environment.


We'll see what happens, but I'm not leaving China.
« Last Edit: February 20, 2013, 03:57:36 PM by yli »

Granny Mae

  • Barfly
  • *
  • Posts: 3890
Re: Date. Saturday Night. Help.
« Reply #104 on: February 20, 2013, 09:29:11 PM »
Thanks for letting us know how things are going yli. I often wonder how you are faring. My observations are that no matter where you are, you are going to need to read and write and speak Chinese; I think it will eventually become the lingua franca. As your views change over the years, and believe me they will, I think that you are ultimately going to benefit from your experiences in China. bfbfbfbfbf