in laws

My girlfriend's mum is in Hangzhou for some business (allegedly...) but she came round the house, said I looked fatter, then cooked dinner and then cleaned the flat and the plates, even had a mini wrestling match with her because I really didn't want to let her clean the plates

Bit weird? Strangely I wasn't even that surprised from what I know about her and Chinese in laws in general.

Just checking...

I don't find that even a little bit strange.

Why do you think so? 

no. exactly. by. the. book. even down to the 'you look fatter' bit.

exactly. by. the. book.

She's never been here before

Woke up this morning at 7 and she's let herself in and brought us breakfast, freaked me out a bit, totally fucked up my day

welcome to Chinese family love. it's in your face all the time and will make you breakfast and will tell you that you look fat.

time for you to get married matey. 

She's gone out now, breakfast was nice but I was terrified she was going to clean the house again when my girlfriend went to work with me sat shamefaced at the computer...

let us know how the situation unfolds 

welcome to Chinese family love. it's in your face all the time and will make you breakfast and will tell you that you look fat.

time for you to get married matey.  

Yup. Sounds like they are priming the OP for marriage. He better set hard and fast boundaries now or he won't have another chance. I love my in laws dearly but had to set rules. I do not want them here cooking food or cleaning or doing anything else that should be the work of my wife.   My wife and I live in the same building as them, we are on the third floor and they are on the first. If no rules were set I can promise you that there would always be an in law or ayi in my house when I come home from work just shooting the shit or doing some random act of Chinese kindness that makes me uncomfortable. Privacy is not a clearly understood concept in China.

Perhaps I went too far though. If my wife or I am sick, her family and friends will try and help us. They'll buy medicine or cook food for us (unasked for but very appreciated) and bring it to our house. They are usually afraid to come in for more than a moment even if I do ask them. I might seem ungrateful but I am not. We help each other quite often but our house is semi off-limits. They respect our privacy and we respect theirs. I do trust them completely and they do have a key to our house but they have never once used it.

A married Chinese couple I know also lives in the same building as their in laws. The mother in law is frequently at their home and entirely disruptive. Constantly criticizing the daughter in law and even her guests. She'll throw out food our friend has just cooked and tell her it is not good enough for her son. She goes through their drawers and mail. She has her own key and comes and goes as she pleases without so much as a knock on the door. She has brought her daughter in law to tears on many occasions. They have zero privacy.

Makes me question the manhood of her husband. At 30+ years of age it is probably time to ween yourself off momma's tits and find your balls.

Well we live in different cities and only get to see each other every couple of months or so so I'm not going to make any fuss cos she's only here for a couple of days, I wouldn't want to live in the same town as them for that reason.

Already clocked her trying to adopt me lol, I've got a wardrobe full of clothes she bought for me, some of them are quite nice and I actually complained to my girlfriend that I didn't have any nice short sleeved shirts, she pointed out that I could just go and buy some

Well we live in different cities and only get to see each other every couple of months or so so ....

....for now 

Ah, do I hear you. My in-laws stayed with us in our tiny apartment in Beijing for 10 days over Spring Festival. His parents have such rigid gender roles and I've made it very clear with my husband that I want our roles to be more balanced- I don't mind cooking, but he better wash the dishes.

Especially at the beginning of their stay, they just about drove me insane. The bedding I'd just washed for them 2 days earlier was too stinky, they were up at 5AM wiping down our floors by hand and making us breakfast. This made me feel terrible. They were in my house, as guests (in my eyes anyway), and everything was too dirty, food too terrible, ect. Everything they did seemed to be a criticism of how we lived. My husband took the stance that they were just trying to help and show their love and I was reading too much into everything. His mother snapped at me because I suggested we have Peking duck one night because that was too fancy and wasteful. Argh.

Thankfully they both speak in dialects with my husband and tend to funnel their requests through him. He's good about standing up for me and shielding me from a lot of their criticism- honestly, if the communication gates were wide open we'd probably argue a lot more. I hear so many stories of my co-workers who live with their in-laws and how they basically aren't able to make any of their own choices regarding running the household or raising their children.

They are nice people, and I know they really love their son, but- Cheers to not living in the same town!

His mother snapped at me because I suggested we have Peking duck one night because that was too fancy and wasteful. Argh.

My in laws would do the same thing. I stopped making suggestions. If I want something specific to eat, I go buy enough for everyone and bring it to their house. Oddly enough, they are perfectly comfortable spending buckets of money on decent meat for me to eat. As a family, they rarely ate much meat before I entered the picture, mostly fish/seafood and veggies. Now they spend far too much on meat since they know I prefer a meat heavy diet. Never thought I'd grow tired of ribs......

My in-laws showed up a little before the wedding and stayed quite a bit afterwards (another reason for delaying the honeymoon).

They were very nice and helpful, but I really DON'T want my f***ing house rearranged by temporary houseguests, whether they are close relatives or not.

At least they aren't rigid on gender roles.  Both cook well and I like Jiangxi style cooking.

Oh the minus side, conversations are 100% in hometown-hua, so my very limited putunghua skills are completely useless for figuring out what new "improvements" for my house they might be discussing.


So, Kitano, when's the wedding?

We're kind of engaged, neither of us want to have a wedding though because it's a waste of money and will involve all the family/lian bullshit that goes with it....

I have been to several Chinese weddings and it's an ordeal for me being a guest, let alone being at the centre of the thing plus all the planning......it's the thought of dressing up like prince-bloody-charming for those horribly twee and staged pre-wedding photos that really gives me the heebie-jeebies though...