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Author Topic: My Big Fat Guangxi Honeymoon  (Read 4602 times)

Escaped Lunatic

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My Big Fat Guangxi Honeymoon
« on: December 03, 2011, 05:52:25 AM »
The weather started getting rough
The honeymoon was tossed
If not for the courage of the fearless groom
The nuptials would be lost
The nuptials would be lost


Chapter 1:  Getting there is half the fun.

Our wedding was back in April, but we needed about half a year to recover enough for the honeymoon. ahahahahah

We rolled out of bed bright and early on Friday (November 18th - I was a little too busy to write this while on the honeymoon afafafafaf).  I got online, battened down the hatches at work (told the boss I was about to bail and put a "bite me" autoresponder on the primary email account).  Sadly, we'd both have to spend a few hours each morning online, but that shouldn't be a problem.  My darling made sure that the hotel she'd selected had internet access in the room.

At lunchtime, we grabbed a taxi to the HuaNan Mall bus station.  For some reason, no one ever tries to give me counterfeit money.  I jumped out as soon as we stopped to grab the luggage out of the trunk and the driver tried to slip a fake 10 kuai note to my lovely wife.  She was in a good mood since we were heading out for our honeymoon, so decided to not to beat him to death.  "There's our glitch for the mission.  Smooth sailing ahead from now on" I thought.

From the mall, we got bus tickets to the Guangzhou airport.  No traffic jams.  No cattle being herded across the expressway.  Quick and easy service.  Things were going well and we got to the airport quickly.  Upon arrival, there was even enough time to get my darling's frequent flier card updated before heading to the gate.

I'd like to take a moment to thank whoever it was at the China Civil Aviation Administration for setting up the security screening policies at Chinese airports.  If that pretty security girl had spent another minute rubbing that metal detector wand on me, I'd have needed to change my underwear. afafafafaf  Somehow, I had once again deliberately accidentally left a coin in one of my front pants pockets. ababababab

We walked to our gate and my thoughts turned to how soon we could get to our hotel to enjoy some proper honeymoon activities.
 bhbhbhbhbh bhbhbhbhbh bhbhbhbhbh bhbhbhbhbh

Everything was going so well.  No issues getting to the airport.  No issues checking in.  The best Chinese-style security screening I've ever had. afafafafaf  Our gate was nearby.  Nothing could go wrong, go wrong, go wrong, go wrong...

There was one minor issue.  Our gate at the airport lacked one very minor, but essential feature.  The airplane seemed to be missing. mmmmmmmmmm kkkkkkkkkk aqaqaqaqaq ananananan

They announced a small delay, then changed our gate.  The new gate also seemed to lack that airplane feature that I always thought was sort of standard for flights schedule to depart soon.  They then announced a larger delay.  The plan was to get to the hotel before dark to make it a little less likely that we'd be lost.  The new schedule would put us in Guilin just after nightfall. llllllllll

Finally, they found an airplane for us and we got to board.  Amazingly, they even had a newspaper in English.  The flight was smooth and there were no more delays getting to Guilin.  We walked out of the airport to catch a bus to the train station.  We didn't need a train, but buses to Yangshuo depart from there.  I was impressed that some locals were selling cigarette lighters just at the doorway for people who were desperate to smoke (yes, it seems that the confiscation of lighters and matches before boarding aircraft has created new job opportunities ahahahahah).  Next, finding that easy to find bus.

We found a bus.  My darling told me to stow the luggage underneath (other than the carry on with our laptops - that NEVER goes under a bus or in the trunk of a taxi - it always remains firmly in my kungfu grip when I travel).  I shoved the other suitcase in and then she said to take it out.  Two minutes later, she said to put it back mmmmmmmmmm and we got on the bus.  It finally dumped us in front of a hotel that was not far from the train station.

Nothing else could go wrong, go wrong, go wrong, go wrong...

We promptly got confusing directions about how to find the next bus.  There were plenty of motorcycle drivers willing to take us there.  I've done the motorcycle taxi thing once.  Hanging on for myself is easy.  Me plus luggage (especially luggage containing laptops) is not going to happen.  We managed to escape the excessively helpful 2 wheeled taxis and got headed in roughly the right direction on foot.

We finally found a nice local housewife who walked with us part of the way and then pointed us in the right direction.  We found ourselves on a street corner checking the signs in the front window of each passing bus.  Finally, one came up with a pair of squiggles on a sign that my darling assured me said Yangshuo.  The guy leaning out the passenger side yelling, "Yangshuo! Yangshuo!!!" provided additional confirmation. ahahahahah

A small amount of argument later over me not putting the bag with the laptops underneath and we were off.  I was under the foolish impression that this bus primarily went from the train station to Yangshuo and didn't do much in between.  Instead, we headed off down some country roads in the middle of nowhere with the ticket guy still hanging out the window (Yangshuo! Yangshuo!!!) and were picking up and dropping off the whole way.

It was interesting to get to see some of the local farmers.  Unfortunately, Chinese people seem overall to be much more susceptible to motion sickness than the average westerner.  I've seen more than one delicate flower of the east toss her cookies all over the pavement just after getting off a bus. aaaaaaaaaa  Most buses have a package of what looks like small plastic trashbags in an easy to access location near the front.  It's not for trash.  It's for those who can't wait until it's time to get off the bus before emptying their stomachs the hard way. aaaaaaaaaa  They guy in front of me got a bag and spent about an hour adding to the contents. aaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaaa  Worse, from the worse than usual smell I could tell he'd been drinking quite a bit of cheap beer. agagagagag aaaaaaaaaa agagagagag  Finally he got off the bus and I could resume breathing.

Eventually, we arrived in Yangshuo and were dumped in front of a hotel.

I have a simple rule about asking for directions.  Don't ask for directions from anyone who might profit from giving the wrong directions, such as a taxi driver.  I'm going to have to add hotel clerks to that list when it comes to asking about the location of another hotel.  My darling wife asked where our hotel was and we were sent in the opposite direction.  My guess is that the clerk hoped we'd give up and come back to check in to his hotel.

Finally, my darling called the hotel and we managed to get close.  Our hotel then sent the lobby security guard out to find us and lead us back.

At last, we'd arrived and could finally begin to enjoy our honeymoon. bhbhbhbhbh

Nothing else could go wrong, go wrong, go wrong, go wrong...

The room was incredibly dark and cramped.  We had a big picture window that had a view of a courtyard.  It didn't open and there were no other windows.  There was mold growing on one wall.  The bathroom fan created almost no airflow and the air in the room was barely breathable.  The internet connection didn't work.  Finally, we got online with wireless connections that didn't seem very stable.  My darling suggested taking another room, but that would move us farther from the wireless router in the lobby.  I love that my job lets me travel, but a good internet connection is an absolute necessity.

Happily, we'd only prepaid for one night.  We decided to have a late dinner at some little food stands (specializing in meat of unknown origin - don't ask, don't tell ahahahahah) nearby and decided to find a new hotel the next morning.
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Escaped Lunatic

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Re: My Big Fat Guangxi Honeymoon
« Reply #1 on: December 03, 2011, 08:16:40 AM »
Chapter 2:  Saturday, The Quest for Internet (and erotic alcohol mmmmmmmmmm)

On Saturday morning, we were both eager to get out into some breathable air after being trapped in the special "Who needs oxygen?" room all night, so ran outside as quickly as possible for breakfast.

After some excellent Guangxi noodles (like all Chinese foods, these were Special, Famous, Auspicious bjbjbjbjbj), we packed up.  My darling had spent a little time the previous evening and in the morning checking up on other hotels nearby, with an eye out for 3 things:  Good ratings (how our current hotel got well rated is a bit of a mystery), internet access, and affordability.

With the list in hand, we started walking.  We also checked many hotels not on the list.  There were three main issues with nearby hotels.  Some had no rooms.  Others had no internet.  A few had rooms and internet, but were massively expensive.

We finally arrived at the last hotel on the list.  It was a little more expensive that the rat trap hotel we were currently in, but claimed to have internet, had rooms available, and the room they showed us was spacious, had a HUGE bed (two double or queen bed frames with a single super-wide mattress spanning them - wish I'd brought a tape measure and wonder where they get sheets), and also had a balcony with a good view of the river.

We went back to the first hotel, checked out, and took a taxi back to the new hotel.  The 7th floor room they'd showed us was nice and spacious, but wasn't fully cleaned yet, so they gave us the one directly under it.  Being paranoid, the first thing I did was break out the computers and try the internet.  I should have known that it wouldn't work. llllllllll

My darling called the front desk and they said they'd send someone straight up to fix it.  A few minutes later, I opened the door to find a maid standing there with a new network cable.  I'd already swapped out the bad one in the room for a good one I brought with me.  One irate wife call to the front desk later got us someone with yet another cable as well as a cable test device and a signal test device.  After repeated failures, we carried both laptops to the adjoining room.  Still no connection. It looked like some or all of the 6th floor had a major wiring issue.  llllllllll

We went downstairs where they had a computer room and plugged in.  Instant connection.  This had a few issues.  They only had 2 workstations, so if we set up there, we'd be taking ALL the publicly available connections (and if someone got there first, one of us would be blocked from working).  Officially, it didn't open until 7:30 in the morning and we start work at 7 (kind of early, but the short commute compensates).  They also charged by the hour for being connected down there.

They showed us another room, but my darling was . . .  displeased with it. asasasasas  The new room was a very long walk from the elevators, not as large, and had no balcony.  My darling wife is a very sweet person, until she's angry.  At that point, I've found that it's usually best to flee to a safe distance while leaving notes behind offering to do anything she wants.  Evidently, the hotel staff decided they didn't want to face her growing wrath and arranged to have the 7th floor room cleaned while she took a nap in the 6th floor room.  Cleaning only took 40 minutes longer than first estimated, but was finally done.

We went in, I pulled out a laptop, plugged, in and found that I had internet. agagagagag

By that point, it was well past lunchtime, so we walked back to the main tourist area in Yangshuo - West Street.  As packed as it was with tourists, both Chinese and foreign, I was happy that it was a pedestrian-only zone in most areas.  I very nice German restaurant owner spotted me eying the pizza menu and told me they had excellent pizzas cooked in a wood-fired oven, but my darling dragged me away. ananananan  She wanted to try another special, famous, auspicious local delicacy - beer fish. agagagagag  Since I don't like eating fish, I had pork dumplings.

After that, we wandered around shopping.  I've got a small, but growing collection of Alcohols of China, many of which are selected more for the artistry of the baijiu container or red wine label than for the potability of the contents. jjjjjjjjjj  I already had one bottle made from lacquered and etched bamboo given to me by a good friend in the local village police, and it came from Guangxi.  Now I was looking at many, many more on display as we strolled past "local foods" grocery stores (code phrase for High Priced Foods and Drinks for Tourists who don't know where the real grocery stores are hidden) that came with an amazing variety of sizes and decorations.

Then I spotted something I wasn't expecting.  One of the bamboo containers had something besides the more common horses, mountains, or pretty girls playing a musical instrument etched into the wood.  This one had Chang'e, the Chinese moon goddess.  Best of all, she was . . . less than fully dressed.  Far, far less than fully dressed.  afafafafaf

Being a collector of fine alcohol art as well as a pervert an ardent admirer of lovely Chinese girls, this was something I HAD to have for my collection.  My darling wife inquired about the price and was told 45 RMB.  We looked around the store some more and then went back to negotiate and a different clerk told her 58 RMB and then dropped down to 55 RMB when she told him that was too much.

This resulted in my dearest darling wife being less than pleased with the customer service at the store.  She quickly stormed out of left the shop with me trying to catch up and determine what had gone wrong.  We went to several other shops while wandering around buying souvenirs, and 45 RMB was the most common price for baijiu containers of that size.  None of the other shops had Chang'e, naked or clothed.  I convinced my dearest one to interrogate a clerk at another store.  We were told that such an item didn't exist.  Finally, we circled around and I recognized the correct side street and got us pointed back to the original shop.  My darling went in, told a clerk that this size was 45 RMB and the clerk fearfully agreed. ahahahahah  I then grabbed the unique bottle and paid for it before anyone could change their minds.

Just to note - throughout the week in Yangshuo, we went to many dozens of these shops that sold "local foods", both in town and at a number of the nearby tourist attractions.  No other bottles bearing an image of Chang'e or anything similar was spotted in any of them.  I did find a few other items for my Alcohols of China collection, but more about those in later chapters.

The rest of the afternoon was spent buying up a few more gifts and souvenirs before having dinner and getting back to the hotel.

There was some official honeymoon business that needed to be attended to in that big bed. bhbhbhbhbh
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Escaped Lunatic

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Re: My Big Fat Guangxi Honeymoon
« Reply #2 on: December 03, 2011, 10:52:45 AM »
Chapter 3.  Two Passengers Set Sail That Day for a Three Hour Tour.  A Three Hour Tour.

Part of the joy of a cross-cultural marriage is learning about your spouse's culture and teaching about your own.  Conversely, one of the frustrations can be that you can put another Gilligan's Island theme song reference into a blog about your honeymoon and watch it fail to amuse your spouse again.  At least she though the part above the Chapter 1 title was adequately poetic. ababababab  I think it's about time I go down to visit the video pirates, buy the complete series, and make her watch it. ahahahahah

We went out for breakfast and had yet another bad sitcom joke failure.  Sunday morning breakfast was more special, famous, auspicious Guilin rice noodles, this time with horse meat.  My dearest one didn't quite get why I said W-i-i-i-i-l-b-u-r.  P-u-u-t down the g-u-u-n. It's n-o-o-o-t br-o-o-o-o-ken.  W-i-i-i-i-l-b-u-r, N-O-O-O-O-O!!!  I'll be nice and not make her sit through a complete screening of the amazing adventures of Mr. Ed. ahahahahah

Speaking of cross-cultural communication failures, she wondered why I was laughing so hard at a simple hotel sign on Saturday and then insisted on going back Sunday morning to take a photo.  I had no idea there was a Fawlty Towers Hotel in Yangshuo.  I resisted the urge to go in and ask if Basil Fawlty was at work that morning. ahahahahah ahahahahah ahahahahah

Sunday morning was mostly wandering around town and then having an early lunch.  My darling had scheduled us for a boat trip (3 hour tour?) in the early afternoon on the Dragon River.

Our mighty ship raft was made from 10 pieces of the finest Guangxi bamboo, held together with bailing wire.  The luxurious cabin was a couple of wooden lawnchairs shaded by a large umbrella.  Propulsion was provided by a slender bamboo pole wielded by the boat's raft's captain, as well as by the current, since we were heading downriver.

The scenery was magnificent.  Ever kilometer or so, there was a small dam.  Sometimes we had to get out and the captain shoved the boat over.  Others we rode over. :surfing:  The first of these had a floating photo/printing setup where the girl got some good pics of us.  We ended up buying 2 of them (hanging on the edge and then splashing the nose of the raft - 15 yuan each) and chatting.  While that was going on, I took videos of 3 other rafts taking the plunge.

There was another photo station at the last plunge.  It was MUCH bigger than any other, but I didn't realize this until we were on the way down.  I had about 3 milliseconds to decide whether to pick up my feet to keep my shoes and socks from getting soaked vs. focusing all my attention to curling myself around the camera to protect it from getting ruined.  I chose to save the camera.  My lovingly sympathetic wife told me I should have been ready and could have protected the camera while also raising my feet.

We discovered a small dilemma.  We had taken a bus to get to the launch point.  The place where we got out was conveniently empty of bus traffic.  The choice was to do one-way bike rentals (without a good idea as to exactly where we were and which way town was) or to pay a van to take us back.  Happily, another couple came up and we split the 40 RMB cost of the van ride.  The other girl had a puppy with her, so I managed to catch up some on my lack of opportunities for dog petting in China.

We went back to the hotel so I could ditch my shoes.  I had the foresight to have packed a pair of sandals, so abandoned the shoes to dry while we went back to further explore the shops and alleys of West Street while seeking more tacky tourist stuff essential cultural items to buy.

Last year during Spring Festival, we were in her hometown and I was freezing assorted portions of my anatomy off.  I made it a quest to find one of those classic Chinese/Russian furry hats.  I found them for sale, but none were large enough to accommodate my skull (scholars are still debating whether the circumference of my head is due to my superior sized brain ababababab or just because of my inflated ego kkkkkkkkkk).  West Street had an abundance of such hats in various levels of quality.  List price was about 80 RMB.  After she beat a street vendor until he was bleeding carefully negotiated the price, I got one for 35 RMB.

We also passed the official factory shop for the very special, famous, auspicious Guangxi Three Flowers brand of baijiu.  My darling waited until we were well past it before mentioning that it wasn't just another place selling alcohol.  She must have assumed I'd never find it again in the tangle of streets.  She forgot that once I get my bearings, I can navigate most Chinese street mazes very well, so I noted the location and plotted my return later. uuuuuuuuuu

This was also the day that the great "we can make it all fit" debate began.  We came with one carryon each.  My carryon sized suitcase containing some clothing and the laptops.  Hers was a backpack with some clothing and snacks.  The checked suitcase had some clothing and a few other odds and ends.  It was half empty.  We planned to return by train, so weight limits for any one item wouldn't be an issue.  Despite our growing pile of overpriced, low-quality tacky souvenirs treasured local artwork, my darling was convinced that we could make everything fit into the existing luggage.  Being well trained in 3 dimensional geometry yyyyyyyyyy as well as having had the best rating in my geology classes in 3 dimensional crystal structure identification yyyyyyyyyy, I was confident that my volume estimates clearly showed that we were already past what could be fitted inside the existing luggage (barring access to any 4th dimension hyperpockets).  My darling is of the "if we just squeeze things into this nook and that cranny, there will be enough space to pack the entire closet into my handbag" school of thought.

This debate went on for some time.  The final answer will be revealed in a future chapter.
« Last Edit: December 05, 2011, 07:44:36 AM by Escaped Lunatic »
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Re: My Big Fat Guangxi Honeymoon
« Reply #3 on: December 03, 2011, 01:21:07 PM »
Chapter 4:  Going down and the return of the naked(?) moon goddess.

Monday. There's nothing quite like being on your honeymoon, rolling out of bed at 7:00 in the bloody morning, and cranking up the laptops. ananananan ananananan ananananan

At least my darling had time to go out and buy some baozi for breakfast.

After we spent a long morning sweating over hot keyboards, we headed off for lunch, followed by a trip to Silver Cave.

I love cave tours.  I've been in caves in several states in the US, and enjoyed them all. (Hint:  If you visit Mammoth Cave in Kentucky, make sure to ask the park rangers where the mammoths are.  Since almost no one ever asks this question, they'll be very happy to talk to you about it. ahahahahah  Tell them you read all about the mammoth bones on the internet and that you KNOW that they've got cloned mammoths hidden away.  Promise you won't tell anyone else if they take you to the secret caverns and let you pet the baby mammoths. They'll pretend to know nothing of this, but if you are very persistent, they'll give in and take you to see the mammoths.  uuuuuuuuuu)

Silver Cave was impressive.  My darling wife complained that the pretty colors didn't show up in my pictures.  That's because the flash on my camera tended to wash out the colored lights that were used to make some of the more blandly colored rock formations look more interesting.  One feature was that you could get free photos at 2 scenic sites.  What they don't tell you is that the "free pics" are about the right size to go on a postage stamp and that the size big enough to use without a magnifying glass costs an extra 30 RMB each. ffffffffff  I've now got 2 micro-sized cave pics of me and my darling wife in my card case.

After getting back to town, I decided to find my way down to an island in the river that I could see from our hotel balcony.  I'd seen other people out there, so assumed it must have a bridge.  Happily, this was one of those rare assumptions that turned out to be correct.  The only disturbing part was going through the edge of an open air restaurant to get to the bridge.  My lovely wife told me it was a Dog Restaurant.  She said she wasn't sure if that was just a name or if it referred to the main course on the menu. aqaqaqaqaq aqaqaqaqaq aqaqaqaqaq  I decided I'd skip eating there so I wouldn't have to worry about it.

The island is in the Li River (I believe the Dragon River connects to the Li somewhere nearby).  A few of largish Chinese cows were grazing on the island and then swam out into the river when they got tired of me photographing them.

After I was done annoying cows, we wandered through town a little before having an early dinner.  One special note about the joys of wandering around town.  The better river tours require a ride to a different place to get into one of the rivers.  There are some short, cheap tours that start and end in town.  The people selling those will pursue you endlessly trying to get you to agree.  Other people will pursue you endlessly trying to sell you tickets to other local attractions.  Others will chase you down trying to sell books of pictures and packs of postcards.  When they'd come up to me, I'd point them to my wife.  Once she rejected them, they'd come after me again using their great English skills to say "Hello" many, many times while waving postcards, pictures of boat rides, etc. at me.  I finally dredged up enough of my limited Chinese to say "I have no money.  My wife is my boss."  I'm not sure if my dearest darling sweetness was more amused at my method of escaping the street vendors or was more annoyed that  kept redirecting their attentions from me to her. ahahahahah

There is a very famous Chinese movie that was set in the Yangshuo area.  It's called Liu San Jie.  It's a musical about a girl who sings folk songs to annoying the rich landlords while helping the poor peasant farmers.  Of course, the movie ends before the peasants are over-run by bandits after the landlords lose their power and can no longer afford to pay soldiers since the peasants have stopped paying taxes. ahahahahah

In any event, you are probably wondering why I'm interrupting my honeymoon blog to babble about a movie.  The reason is that there's a musical show called Impression, Liu SanJie If you recall the opening ceremony of the Beijing Olympics, it was Zhang Yimou who put that together.  He was heavily involved in the Impression show.  We went on Monday evening.  All the sections of the show were good.  I really need to call up some satellite photos of the performance area to see how they rearranged land and water when the lights were dim in some areas.

One segment had Chang'e dancing on a crescent moon.  My darling told me that when the show first started some years back, the actress playing Chang'e did't wear anything, but that some Chinese people where scandalized (despite the fact that she was about the length of a football field from the front row - the set for this show is a lake surrounded by mountains and it's HUGE).  Now, Chang'e wears a body stocking.  Being a person who likes to look at naked girls studies art closely, I used the 12x zoom on my camera to verify what this version of Chang'e wasn't really undressed. ananananan

The Silver Impression segment was the best in my not very humble opinion.  In utter blackness, girls' dresses start lighting up one after another.  It's a few a first, but the line keeps getting longer and longer, then the dresses start flicking on and off in complex patterns.  I'm not sure how they coordinated the lights on about two hundred girls' costumes, but it was flawless.

Fighting through the crowd to get out was a bit of a challenge, but we managed it.

After the evening show, we went back to the hotel.  For the record, I'd like to formally deny that any acts of public depravity indecency occurred on our hotel room balcony that evening or at any other time while we were in Yangshuo.  As long as no one on the sidewalk across the street had a good camera, no one will be able to prove otherwise. afafafafaf

« Last Edit: December 05, 2011, 07:59:16 AM by Escaped Lunatic »
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Re: My Big Fat Guangxi Honeymoon
« Reply #4 on: December 04, 2011, 09:32:34 AM »
Chapter 5.  This time the tour was more than three hours.

My darling ran out to buy breakfast Tuesday morning while I got the laptops up and running.  I thought she took a little too long.  Later, she confessed that she was cheating on me during breakfast. ananananan  Before buying some very nice pork baozi for me, she was secretly stopping to have a bowl of special, famous, auspicious Guangxi rice noodles (not sure if these involved horse meat or not).

After an early lunch, we had a quick shopping trip in town.  I quickly maneuvered us near the Three Flowers factory store and picked up several lovely bottles of high grade rocket fuel baijiu as well as some proper Chinese-style drinking cups. bjbjbjbjbj  If I ever drank 1/10 as much as I collect, my liver would explode. agagagagag

Then we took a bus up the Li River.  The ships boats rafts were the same basic design, but with 2 small changes.  The bamboo was replaced by PVC pipes (I'm not sure how they get bamboo to curve that way and really wonder how to curve heavy PVC like that), and in addition to the high-tech propulsion pole, there was a small motor.  Unlike the Dragon River, the Li River also had some larger boats, including some very large ones that somehow avoided running aground in the shallows.  There was also a welcome lack of dams, and the slightly larger size of our new raft made it safe to stand up and move around some to get better angles for photos and videos.

The Dragon River scenery was excellent, but the Li River scenery was even better.  Every 4th or 5th mountain had some sort of story associated with it or else was supposed to bear an uncanny resemblance to something like a dragon, a lion, girls picking tea, dogs playing poker, etc.  A few of them sort of made sense.  Others apparently required some sort of perception enhancement chemicals to fully appreciate.  iiiiiiiiii zzzzzzzzzz

Another feature the Li had was tourist shops in tents alongside the river. The water level was low, but having these in tents made it possible for the shops to be moved so they would always be set close to the shore as the water rose and fell.  Some had the usual traditional costumes one could rent and have photos taken in.  Others had food.  Others sold tacky souvenirs cultural relics.  A few had cormorants (fishing birds) and other animals one could pose with.

Naturally, our raft captain had one to take us to (they seemed to know him quite well there).  My darling ordered yet another bowl of special, famous, auspicious Guangxi rice noodles.  She wanted me to order one, but I just stole a couple bites of hers.  For some reason, it's ok if I order something and she poaches a few bites, but somehow, I accidentally crossed some mysterious cultural taboo by not ordering a my own bowl of noodles in this fine dining establishment, since this would evidently make us look too much like cheapskates appear too fiscally conservative in the very important opinion of people who sell noodles from a tent on a sandbar. mmmmmmmmmm

Our noodle stop was a little strange.  It was a wide stretch of sand and rocks.  There was a fence splitting it in half.  Both sides had a full set of tents offering the usual range of riverside services.  Evidently, each side wanted to prevent "their" tourists from spending money on the other side.  The problem was that this bit of sand was the perfect spot for photos of the 9 Horse Mural on cliff, and the fence was rather inconveniently located. llllllllll  Next time I'm bringing wirecutters. uuuuuuuuuu

The final highlight was the set of mountains and hills portrayed on the back of the 20 RMB note.  That's also where we got dumped off the raft.  We were trying to find the exact spot where the original image came from and had to fight our way past a pile of motorcycle taxis that wanted to charge way too much to take us to the bus that would take us back to town.

After much effort, we finally determined the truth.  Although the image is beautiful, it's a composite painting.  There is NO place that one could stand to have the exact angle shown.  Moving to bring one pair of items into alignment throws others out of alignment.  We spent a good hour before realizing the utter impossibility of the project. llllllllll llllllllll llllllllll

The buses were nearby in Xing Ping village.  We avoided the motorcycle taxis and wandered around town a little.  The first place we tried to eat had insane prices.  We went a little further away from the tourist zone and had an excellent dinner for less than one of those 20 Yuan notes we were using as props while taking pictures. bjbjbjbjbj

Finally, we found a bus to get back to town just at nightfall.  Naturally, we spent more time (and money) wandering around West Street.  As the pile of purchased junk treasures in our hotel room continued to grow, so did the intensity of the discussion of just how much could be fitted into the current luggage.  Little did I know that my lovely wife had her own solution to win the argument.

It turns out that she was plotting my painful demise the next day. aoaoaoaoao aoaoaoaoao aoaoaoaoao


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Re: My Big Fat Guangxi Honeymoon
« Reply #5 on: December 05, 2011, 06:18:07 AM »
So you'll look dead under the tread
Of a bicycle built for two


Chapter 6.  Her murder plot and my terrifying revenge. ahahahahah

Wednesday morning seemed fairly normal.  Once again, she left me for a bowl of special, famous, auspicious Guangxi rice noodles before bringing me back some pork baozi for breakfast (I wonder if they have horse baozi mmmmmmmmmm).  Then a subject that had been quietly debated came to the forefront.

Last year, we visited Zhuhai for a a few days and we empirically proved not only that there was no way for the two of us to handle a bicycle built for two with our lovely daughter added to the back to serve as an additional source of instability, but that it also wouldn't work for just the two of us either.  All over Yangshuo (including right in front of our hotel), there were bike rental places prominently featuring those dreaded bicycles built for two.  I watched some couples on them from the balcony.  A few seemed at ease.  Others careened down the street, barely in control.  Mercifully, these passed out of my line of sight before the inevitable, messy, and likely fatal crashes happened. :snoopytrage:

My dearest had been talking about renting a bicycle built for two since before we arrived (sometimes, the internet provides too much information kkkkkkkkkk).  I kept reminding her of the failed experiments in Zhuhai, and thought I was making progress.  Then she finally gave up on the double-suicide bikes and said we could rent 2 regular bikes.

I used to enjoy bicycling, but took a very nasty tumble some time back.  There's nothing quite like feeling the rear tire sliding and then finding yourself bouncing head first down the sidewalk while accumulating an assortment of bone fractures.  I managed to do that all by myself, with no assistance from any other person or vehicle. (I'm a professional, do not try this at home. ababababab).  There's a slight difference with biking in China.  The Chinese view of street, sidewalk, parking lot, cattle path, badminton court, dining area, etc., etc. contains . . . considerable overlap. aqaqaqaqaq

So, my dearest most darling wife wanted me to take a bicycle into a Chinese Road. aoaoaoaoao aoaoaoaoao aoaoaoaoao

I attempted to explain that leaping from the balcony would be simpler, quicker, and probably hurt a lot less, but she was violent persuasive.  We went to the rental shop (aka sidewalk kkkkkkkkkk) across the street from the hotel.  After testing a couple of dangerously defective ones, I found one that was adequate. The brakes even worked - mostly. ahahahahah  Naturally, bike helmets were not an option. aqaqaqaqaq  I began to realize that my impending demise would resolve the luggage space difficulties since since this would allow her to discard all of my items.

The one amazing thing was the price.  My wife told me her bike was 10 RMB and the larger one I'd picked was 20. "Per hour?" I asked.  No, that was per day. bjbjbjbjbj

There were a large number of tourist traps attractions along one nearby stretch of roadway leading into the countryside (which also contained wooded areas - perfect for disposing of my mutilated corpse once her plan to make me into roadkill was complete).  First, we had to maneuver through a little bit of town, where the sidewalks were impassible to bike traffic.  There was a sort-of bicycle and/or parking lane, filled with all manner of pedestrians as well as 2, 3, and 4 wheeled vehicles.  Per Chinese rules, less than half of these were permitted to be heading in the official travel direction of that lane.  The rest went the wrong way or else on randomly chosen paths to ensure the maximum chances of triggering a collision.

Amazingly, we reached the edge of town unscathed. agagagagag  My dearest one seemed completely at ease.  I believe this was due to a combination of her using a bike to get to her previous job and the assortment of heavy construction vehicles she'd probably bribed to slip up behind me and turn me into street pizza as soon as we left town.

The highway outside of town was a whole new ballgame.  There was one main lane in each direction for cars, buses, and anything else big and fast.  There were fairly wide lanes used for people, carts, bikes, and anything else slow.  Of course, the large and fast vehicles found these to be great places to use for passing on the right. aqaqaqaqaq aqaqaqaqaq aqaqaqaqaq

My dearest one had tickets to a number of the attractions alongside the road, but we lacked any clue about the distances between these (having a scale on the map would ruin the surprise).  After some discussion, we decided to have lunch at one of the restaurants not too far from town (since it was in the first group of restaurants outside of town, the prices were out of line, but not insanely so), and then to bike to the farthest attraction.  That way we'd find out if we had time for anything else or not.

Lunch wasn't bad.  I ended up buying another hat with a nice red star on it - this one wasn't one of the furred winter hats, so was fine for riding around.  My darling had already picked up one of those traditional round woven bamboo hats a few days earlier so she could hide from sunlight.  We passed all the places we had tickets to as well as some that weren't mentioned on any of the maps before finally arriving at our destination, Moon Hill.

The nice ladies in the parking lot tried to sell us water for 5 RMB, claiming that those selling it at the top would charge 10.  Happily, I had brought extra water (thought I'd need it to help clean my wounds if I survived crashing the bike), so skipped buying any.

If you go by the direct route, the moon-shaped cutout in Moon Hill is 800 stair steps up.  We decided to try out both the available (and little used) side paths (probably added another 400 steps up and down).  I'll be selling copies of a set of photos called "Mooning beneath Moon Hill" (my darling bride can be adventurous at times ajajajajaj) to pay for our next vacation. ahahahahah

On the second side path, there was a little path even further into the middle of nowhere.  Anyone who thinks honeymoon activities should be confined to hotel rooms (and balconies afafafafaf) just isn't very creative. ababababab

We arrived under the arch of the moon, and the ladies at the top tried to sell us water for 5 RMB.  I guess the ones in the parking lot were misinformed. ahahahahah

The amazing thing was watching the crazy rock climbers working their way up underneath the arch.  I enjoy climbing on some rocks, but clinging to the underside of one is a bit beyond what I think of as fun.  Someone pointed us to the path to the observation area on the other side and said to take the side-path marked as "no tourists" to be able to climb to the top.  Since this would involved climbing on top of rocks instead of underneath, it sounded like fun.

We climbed up this tiny little trail that got smaller and steeper.  I kept expecting to come out at the top, but kept finding more hill above me.  Finally, the path split.  We went right and found the summit.  We were on top!  Then we turned around and found that the left hand path lead to the real top of the hill. llllllllll

Back down and then up the left hand path.  At least we'd only taken a 2 minute detour.  We arrived at about the same time as a large group of foreign college students on tour.  At the summit, there was a pole that appeared designed for climbing.  It was also a bit rusty and some points that used to have cables securing it were minus the cables (but not the sharp, rusty places the cables used to attach too), so was just a bit wobbly.  The best quote from one of the students was "The top of this hill is one kilometer up.  You wouldn't think 5 more meters would make any difference . . . but it does!" ahahahahah

I made a video of a bunch of them climbing the poll before handing the camera off to my darling so I could climb.  Sadly, somehow during the handoff, the record/stop button accidentally got pressed, so my daring climb up the pole wasn't caught on video. ananananan ananananan ananananan

The scary thing was finding the sheared off base of another poll set into the rock not far from the one we'd all been climbing. aoaoaoaoao aoaoaoaoao aoaoaoaoao

Everything was fine during the climb down from the summit.  Once we got to the top of the 800 steps, I noticed that my left knee wasn't exactly happy.  By the time we climbed down all 800, it was really bothering me.  When we got to the parking lot, water was only 3 RMB, and we also got a package of postcards (original price 15, final price 5).  Pedaling back was ok, as long as I didn't bend my left knee. ananananan

The climbing, extra climbing, and special side trip afafafafaf) had taken quite a bit of time, so we only had time for one quick stop on the way back to town.  At the end of the Liu San Jie movie, there's a scene that occurs next to a big very big freaking huge banyan tree.  The movie was filmed sometime back and the tree is now much much bigger.  Getting it all in frame was a challenge.

We finally reached the edge of town and I took my unspeakably terrifying revenge for my lovely wife's attempt to murder me via a carefully crafted bicycle accident. uuuuuuuuuu  There's a shorter way back to our hotel from the edge of town.  It involves going through a long, poorly lit tunnel which has a very narrow bike lane.  Having the large trucks and buses roar past so close you have to worry about them brushing your elbow is truly frightening.  My hope was that this would be enough to discourage another biking expedition on Thursday.

Previously, we'd agreed that I could have a wood fired pizza.  Suddenly, my darling wanted to have another go at beer fish (sadly, this doesn't involve letting the fish get drunk before killing them - poor fish).  I pointed out that we only had a few more meals in town remaining and that I could see through her cunning plan to thwart my desire for pizza.  We ended up back at the restaurant on West Street we'd seen on Saturday and I got my pizza.  Just before it was served, I spotted a familiar group checking out the menu.  It was the college students from the summit of Moon Hill.

Aha!  I knew it!  They must be in on my wife's plan to finish me off.  They were also touring with bicycles and one little push at the right moment and I'd be flattened under a truck.  Perhaps they even deliberately attempted to weaken the pole atop Moon Hill before I climbed it.  Remember, you're not paranoid if people really are out to get you! ahahahahah ahahahahah ahahahahah

We found a real grocery store after dinner.  It's amazing how much cheaper some identical items were there than at the "local foods" store.  I found another "there is no such item" bottle for my collection.  Yes, there really is some red wine produced in Guangxi. jjjjjjjjjj

Since her plans to have me accidentally killed in a bike crash or from falling off the top of Moon Hill had failed, my darling wife finally decided to agree to purchase a small bag to carry more items in.

Obviously she was satisfied with seeing me hobble about in pain and had no further plans to inflict grievous bodily harm upon me.

I was perfectly safe, right? mmmmmmmmmm mmmmmmmmmm mmmmmmmmmm


« Last Edit: December 05, 2011, 06:29:10 AM by Escaped Lunatic »
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Re: My Big Fat Guangxi Honeymoon
« Reply #6 on: December 05, 2011, 08:53:40 AM »
Chapter 7:  One last try at death by bicycle and I get a cool new toy.

Thursday morning had a high gravity index.  The situation wasn't improved by the ache in my left knee.

My darling wanted to take bikes to the attractions we hadn't seen yet.  I really wanted to take a bus.  She tried convincing me that buses didn't go there, but I'd almost been run over by enough of them on Wednesday to know that this wasn't quite correct.  Eventually she beat me into submission talked me into riding again.  30 Kuai later and we were headed out of town (not through the tunnel).

The road out to spend money visit the sites goes over the Dragon River.  I'd been making some noises about building my own bamboo raft when we got back, and wondered aloud how long one would last.  3 years?  Two years?  One year? ("Yes!  Only one year!  Don't build one!" she shouted.)  3 months?  ("Yes!  Only three months!  It's not worth the effort to build one!" she shouted.)  I decided to try to get some facts, so when we stopped for a quick snack (and to be chased by little old ladies selling small carved wooden ducks for some unknown reason mmmmmmmmmm), I had her ask the snack vendors.  The answer came back one year (assuming I can trust the translation kkkkkkkkkk).  Now where do I find bamboo that size and how do I get it to curve correctly on one end? mmmmmmmmmm mmmmmmmmmm mmmmmmmmmm

Once again, we went to the farthest point first.  For this trip, that meant Dragon Cave.  Silver cave was nice, but Dragon Cave was great!  Two short boat rides in the cave and a couple of places to get your photo taken (at MUCH more reasonable rates).  I noticed an employee fiddling with a cell phone in the cave.  I thought, "Must be playing a video game.  There can't be a cell phone signal down here."  I pulled out my phone.  Perfect signal.  Say what you will about some Chinese technology (one of my DSL lines has the house wires spliced into the main phone cable and shoved into an inverted water bottle bjbjbjbjbj), but the ability to get a perfect cell phone signal inside the most impossible places is something they've figured out how to do.

Next came butterfly cave.  Outside is the butterfly version of Mothra.  The butterflies inside aren't so impressive (the "natural" formations look faked to me).  The suspension bridge across the valley between the two hills containing the cave complex was entertaining.  The stairs up and down everywhere would have been much more fun if my knee hadn't been getting exponentially more painful.  There was a show, but we arrived in the show are 45 minutes before it was scheduled to start, so decided to press on to our next destination.

The final stop of the official bike tour was the Ancient Totem Village.  This place was supposed to give an idea of what the Zhuang minority lived like during ancient times in Guangxi.  Normally, I love Chinese Minority Ethnic villages (some of the ones in Yunnan are amazing), but this one lacked something.  With a few exceptions, the people in costume seemed extremely bored.  The costumes all looked suspiciously like tiger-striped pajamas.  My darling mentioned that the reviews of this place backed up my impressions.

Along the road back to town was a vertical rock climbing wall.  I was in no condition to climb a set of stairs at that point (and prefer rocks under me for climbing, not over me and not vertically beside me), but did stop and take a few photos.  They'd marked out the locations where ropes could be secured with various odd items, including stuffed bears.  This made the scene look more like an impending teddy bear cliff rescue than a place for climbers to practice. ahahahahah

We got back at nightfall and returned the bikes (for the last time agagagagag).  We were getting ready to head out for dinner, etc. when I heard something from the door to the room.  It opened and a Chinese man and I had a contest to see who could have the most surprised look.  More than once, I've had a hotel give me a keycard to an occupied room, but had never been on the receiving end of this sort of problem before.  I had my lovely wife call the front desk to threaten violent retribution gently inquire why someone else had access to our room.  They claimed that there were no additional cards and said that the door must not have closed all the way.  I tested this theory and found that the entire locking mechanism was loose and that even it it was latched, it could sometimes open if one shook it while turning the handle. aqaqaqaqaq.

I could see that a hex wrench was needed to fix the issue.  I had my dearest one call down and request one.  Naturally, they sent a maid with no tools. llllllllll  Several more threatening calls and about 20 minutes were required to get someone with a bag of tools to come up and fix the issue.  The hotel gave us a fruit basket as "compensation" for the trouble. mmmmmmmmmm.  (While delivering the basket later, they determined that the entire lock was flawed and replaced it - then they knocked 100 RMB off the final bills - Definitely preferable to just a fruit basket.)

Once the hotel room door was sort of secure, it was time to hobble over to West Street for. . .  can you guess . . . that's right . . . more shopping!  The night before, I saw a green beam of light hitting one of the hills in town from somewhere around the entrance to West Street.  This time I found the source.  Someone was selling laser pointers that were far too powerful for normal laser pointer use.  After some quick negotiations, the price fell from 80 RMB to only 50. (I told my darling that I'd have paid 100 - this was COOL! ababababab).  The range on this thing is incredible (note to those working in the International Space Station - Oops, sorry about that).  After all the special, famous, auspicious foods (and drinks! agagagagag} we'd bought and all the other cool traditional debris souvenirs, I'm running around with a laser in my pocket as my favorite new toy. ahahahahah

We ended up with bunch more stuff and went to a clay pot restaurant (rice with meat and vegetables cooked in a clay pot) for dinner.  We'd had lunch there earlier in the week and enjoyed it.  The price was also very reasonable.  At dinner, they were packed and we ended up sharing our table with a German couple.  A local Zhuang minority Chinese girl (who bore a strong resemblance to my dear friend known as Cantonese Angel 2) joined us and we all ended up chatting for some time before my darling and I finally headed back to the hotel for our last night in Yangshuo.

Next time - Shopping: The final expedition reveals the shocking truth. aoaoaoaoao


Edit: Forgot to mention the fun with the malfunctioning lock when first posting this.
« Last Edit: December 06, 2011, 04:21:53 AM by Escaped Lunatic »
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Re: My Big Fat Guangxi Honeymoon
« Reply #7 on: December 10, 2011, 06:14:07 AM »
Chapter 8: The shocking truth about shopping and other painful experiences.

Friday morning was a bit of a rush.  We both worked as quickly as possible to lock down the website for the weekend so that we could pack and get out before the 12 noon checkout deadline.

Much to my amusement, the extra bag we'd purchased was just enough to hold all the junk precious items that wouldn't fit into the other luggage. My multi-dimensional dragon volume estimating kungfu is stronger than her angry dog squeezing packing kungfu! bjbjbjbjbj  I told her we should have bought a bigger bag and barely avoided getting kicked in the head severely scolded. (The only thing more fun than a Chinese wife is an annoyed Chinese wife. ajajajajaj)

We made it to the front desk with more than 10 minutes to spare. agagagagag  The remaining issue was that we didn't leave for Guilin until a little before 6 pm.  Happily, Chinese hotels are very accommodating about storing luggage

Walking had become a bit of a challenge.  My left knee violently objected to bearing any weight in anything other than an unbent position.  Thus, going up a stairway involved flexing m right knee and stepping up with my right foot, followed by bringing my overly-straight left leg up to land my left foot on the same step as my right foot.  For going down steps, I'd step off and land on my left foot while only bending my right knee.  Level ground was the only area I could move comfortably.  Naturally, there was just enough congestion on and around sidewalks to have me continuously having to step up and down from the sidewalk to the street. ananananan llllllllll ananananan

The plan was to have lunch at West Street before going to yet another attraction, then come back, have an early dinner and get on a bus to Guilin and catch an overnight train home.  Half way to West Street, my darling realized that her phone had been packed up with the luggage and she was expecting a call from our amazingly beautiful daughter ajajajajaj just after lunch.  At this point, there was no way I was turning around, so I slowly limped my way to the front part of West Street while she ran back to the hotel to get her phone.

I figured I had about 25 minutes or so until my lovely bride returned, so took pictures of pretty girls and checked out some shops that had caught my eye earlier.  There was one of those 2 Yuan shops hidden down a side street.  These aren't exactly like a Dollar Tree.  Not everything is 2 Yuan, but a lot of items are.  The rest are usually also very inexpensive.

My darling caught up with me and we checked the prices.  One fact that had become obvious was that many of the special, famous, auspicious locally handcrafted Chinese minority handicrafts were pretty much identical to ones we've seen in Yunnan and that a friend brought to me from Hunan.  Yes, somewhere there's a huge factory that produces about 75% of the hand crafted tourist stuff found in minority areas.  The second, newly revealed fact was much worse.

My dearest one had done a great job negotiating prices in shops and with street vendors.  Now we found out the real price of some of the items was soooo much less than we'd paid. ananananan ananananan ananananan ananananan ananananan  At least we know where to pick up most of the tacky tourist stuff treasured souvenirs next time.

To console ourselves, we had a very cheap lunch next to that shop before heading off to catch the bus.  While we were eating, my dear friend, ScooterGirl, called to tell me that she had just gotten a new job in Dongguan. agagagagag

Our final local attraction was called Shangri-La (at least in English - my bride had a major problem pronouncing the English name).  The bus stopped for about 10 minutes next to someone making some sort of baked rice snack.  I was getting some pictures of it and my darling decided to jump off the bus and grab one.  Happily, she got back on just before the bus took me away by myself into the remote regions of Yangshou.

The good news was that we got to tour part of Shangri-La by boat.  The bad news is that my knee really didn't like getting in and out of the boat.  Shangri-La has a couple of real villages inside as well as some sort of authentic recreations of various local buildings and customs.  It definitely was a vast improvement over the Ancient Totem Village, but I still give the ethnic villages in Yunnan higher ratings.

Once we saw everything by boat, we got put ashore in an area that was a cross between a museum and gift shop.  A lot of it was very interesting, but I somehow ended up in an area where they only way out was to climb up to the second floor and then back down again. ananananan

I saw a few items I did want to buy.  These fell into three categories.  1.  Too big to jam into the existing luggage.  2.  Too expensive for the existing cash supply.  3.  No one was at the shop with some small, inexpensive stuff I wanted to purchase to let me buy those items. llllllllll

Since time was short and we didn't know when the next bus to town would come by, we cut Shangri-La short and stood out in the street in front.  I was getting a little nervous about being stranded and was contemplating hitchhiking.  Finally a bus back to town finally showed up.  We got back to town in plenty of time to eat, buy a few things at the 2 Yuan shop (including a decorative, hand crafted wall hanging of a less than fully dressed Chang'e afafafafaf), and get to the hotel to crush those last items into our luggage.

This left us with a small question of how to get back to the local bus station with all the luggage.  Without luggage, it's a 20-25 minute stroll from the hotel.  With luggage plus me moving slowly, it would take too long.  All the taxis had conveniently disappeared. llllllllll

The people who rented bicycles in front of the hotel tried to get us to take a pair of motorcycle taxis.  My friend Scootergirl remains the only person I've every trusted to take me and my laptop on a motorbike, and that was just a single laptop with no other luggage, so this wasn't going to happen.

Time was short, so we started dragging the luggage towards the bus station while keeping at eye out for taxis.  Finally, a 3 wheeled motorcycle cart cruised past and we took that to the station.  It cost more than a local taxi, but, since all the taxis had gone into hiding, it was a lot cheaper than having to replace our train tickets.

We managed to get seats in the back row where I could stretch out my left leg down the aisle.  The bus ride back to Guilin conveniently lacked anyone throwing up, so was far more pleasant than the ride from Guilin to Yangshuo.  agagagagag  There was a foreign couple sitting in front of us going through their holiday pictures on a laptop.  They didn't just have pics of Yangshuo, but also of Beijing and a few other places.

The bus dumped us somewhere near the train station.  We weren't 100% sure where it was, but my darling managed to get a general consensus that narrowed down the direction of the station to a 45 degree arc in one direction.  We got lucky and found it without too much problem.  On the way to the soft sleeper waiting room (all train stations should have this - it's much nicer than being wedged in with several thousand people on a few hundred seats in the main waiting area), we passed the other couple.  Ten minutes later, they showed up in the same area were were at.  After some accusations about which couple was the stalkers, we found out that they were on the same train in the next compartment.  They'd been running around China for a few weeks and were taking the train all the way to the station in Shenzhen next to the Hong Kong border.

Another advantage of a soft sleeper waiting area is that we were given first crack at getting on the train instead of heading out with the rest of the crowd.  This made dragging luggage down the platform while limping a lot easier.

We settled into our compartment.  My darling asked if I'd like the upper bunk. mmmmmmmmmm  Climbing was out of the question, so I settled for the lower one.  The one drawback to traveling in soft sleeper is that you never know who you'll get in the other 2 bunks (4 bunks to a compartment - the upper limit of luxury on the typical Chinese train).  Happily, it turned out to be 2 girls who didn't look intent on robbing us while we slept.

The last time I took an overnight train, I woke up every time it started and stopped.  This time, I was tired enough to sleep through most of the stops and was awakened by my wristwatch about an hour before our stop in Guangzhou.  One bus and taxi ride later and we were home in time to go out for lunch on Saturday.

Our final bit of honeymoon was to try out a different foot massage place after lunch.  I've long mourned the departure of the dangerously strong #22 from a massage place near us (she's the ONLY one ever who could reliably crack my back and neck every time).  By some numerical coincidence, I ended up with #222 at the new place.  She managed to partly pop my back and left me with an amazing assortment of bruises from the back of my head all the way down to my feet.  My darling's massage girl was also pretty strong - too bad my darling doesn't enjoy the harder massages as much as I do.  One of the things I greatly admire about China is that it's considered to be very normal and socially acceptable to go out with family and friends and pay pretty girls for a beating.
 bjbjbjbjbj cbcbcbcbcb bjbjbjbjbj

« Last Edit: December 10, 2011, 06:23:02 AM by Escaped Lunatic »
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Granny Mae

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Re: My Big Fat Guangxi Honeymoon
« Reply #8 on: December 11, 2011, 08:43:45 PM »
Thanks for all that info EL. bfbfbfbfbf Now where are the photos? ahahahahah
How's your knee? I'm afraid I wouldn't have the strength or patience anymore. ananananan
Another smile for you EL about the wealthy Asian bloke at the Casino. I accidentally ran into him as I came around a corner and had to say hello. He smiled and said "hello pretty lady" and then proceeded to try to put his head on my shoulder. aoaoaoaoao  The cleaning lady will be wondering about those skid marks on the carpet. mmmmmmmmmm  NO WAY that I could go through a Chinese wedding and honeymoon. kkkkkkkkkk ahahahahah

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Re: My Big Fat Guangxi Honeymoon
« Reply #9 on: December 12, 2011, 12:33:36 AM »
I need to edit them first.  The original jpgs from the camera are uncompressed (and huge).

My knee took about 3 days to recover.  I'm back to taking the stairs two at a time.

A Chinese wedding and honeymoon would be so much easier with a rich spouse.  You can afford hire someone else to make all the wedding arrangements.  For the honeymoon, tell him you want to go to Hainan.  Once there, sit on the beach under an umbrella sipping champagne while cabana boys rub your feet for a month.
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Re: My Big Fat Guangxi Honeymoon
« Reply #10 on: December 12, 2011, 08:54:16 PM »
sit on the beach under an umbrella sipping champagne while cabana boys rub your feet for a month.


Did I mention that I've ended up with gout in my left foot because of the fluid tablets that I take for my heart? Bl**dy painful and VERY slow to heal.

Glad the knee is ok,but keep an eye on it as these things often come back to haunt us as we get older. bgbgbgbgbg alalalalal May I suggest that you don't put too much strain on it. bhbhbhbhbh bhbhbhbhbh ahahahahah
I have no idea about modern cameras EL (which might be a good thing for the Saloonies). I'm happy to wait because I know they will be great photos and who knows, you might slip up and let an uncensored picture through. ahahahahah bfbfbfbfbf
How's the new bride feeling after the hectic honeymoon?

El Macho

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Re: My Big Fat Guangxi Honeymoon
« Reply #11 on: December 13, 2011, 11:24:25 AM »
I also greatly enjoyed the read, EL!

Escaped Lunatic

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Re: My Big Fat Guangxi Honeymoon
« Reply #12 on: April 27, 2015, 10:45:01 AM »
And now, the not-really-new, but definitely improved version is available for your viewing pleasure and or/terror here:

My Big Fat Guangxi Honeymoon, The Photo Version at EscapedLunatic.com

Now features at least 3 minor fact corrections, 4 or 5 less typos, and plenty of pics (including several of Chang'e, the moon goddess, in various states of undress afafafafaf).

To celebrate, my web hosting service seems to have fixed their stability issues, so check it out before they find something else to upgrade.
I'm pro-cloning and we vote!
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