next »

[piglet]

Sorry ETR I didn't mean to shout.I just really hate the idea of people having kids just to placate someone else.I mean,if OP doesn't want to have kids I strongly believe he shouldn't have any and maybe the way to go is,as has been suggested to sit down and explain it to the wife.It's just I was a teacher in High school for many years and I saw what happens to unwanted kids on too many occasions.I realize a lot of men have issues with becoming a dad,I just think it's too important a decision to be entered into lightly.It's not something you want to be forced into.

[Day Dreamer]

Just man up and do it. It can't hurt, it will inform you if your swimmers are as active as they should be and you have not committed to anything.

I've got to say that this is probably one of the worst pieces of advice I have ever read. It has nothing to do with the OP's problem. If he doesn't get tested, he's not a man?  (cough couch bullshit).

I agree with what piglet says. Forced to have children is too damn serious to just say something like "try it, you'll like it" I know you didn't say that, but I'm hoping English Gent isn't being coddled into it that way

[The Local Dialect]

If you seriously don't want to have a child, just do what the gay people do and pay the doctor to fake a certificate of infertility to show to the parents... mind you, the wife won't take kindly to that, and you'd be starting off the rest of your life on a very serious lie.

That may work on parents, but trying to use that excuse on a wife or GF won't work.

"Um, honey, I have bad news.  The test says I can't be a father, but I want you to stay on the pill and I want to keep using condoms too."

Not to mention it is completely selfish to deny someone else the chance to be a parent through deception. Hope that suggestion was very very tongue in cheek!

I don't think everyone has to be brimming with joy at the idea of parenthood before they embark on that journey, but the idea shouldn't fill you with absolute dread either. Some level of ambivalence about becoming a parent is normal, and there are some people who have had parenthood thrust upon them without any say in the matter who really meet the challenge and become excellent fathers and mothers.

That said, you definitely should not have children just to satisfy your wife -- that's a horrible idea. It doesn't seem at all to me though that the OP is set against having children and his wife is forcing them upon them. I see him as someone who has always figured kids would happen "sometime in the future" without really stopping to consider that that sometime is right now. Men really do have the luxury of being much more blase about when to have kids and usually don't feel the sense of urgency that a lot of women start to feel once they hit their 30s.

Do some soul searching. If you know you want kids, just right now, ask yourself why not? What is holding you back? Is it an accomplishable goal? As others pointed out, parenting doesn't get any easier as you get older. Also, keep in mind that no matter what your circumstances are, they could always be better, so try not to get caught up in needing to have accomplished this or accumulated that before you decide to have kids. There is no perfect time, really. There are advantages to having kids at 20, at 30, at 40, to having them rich, having them poor, having them in China, back home -- no matter what your circumstances, there will be parts that are less than ideal and parts that make kids the perfect choice for your stage in life.

I think a lot of people don't have an absolute sense of certainty about having children or becoming parents. Yes your children should be wanted, but that doesn't mean you can't have fears and reservations. It is a huge, life changing decision, and a bit of uncertainty is normal. Just be sure what you're feeling is normal cold-feet and not dread at being forced into something you know you don't want.

[piglet]

Brilliant reply LD.That is exactly how I see it too.I understand that men don't have the biological clock thing and so prefer not to think about that.I also know there is a problem with "responsibility" ,"growing up" and "being the provider" and suchlike which makes it harder to take the plunge.But as we both said,this is a thing you do together and you both have to be up for it.
Deception is definitely not the way to go.If you think you have a good reason why not you need it to be out there.If not then maybe you can try to mull over with yourself why not now?Maybe there is a good reason and maybe it's just the normal fears that we all have.Whatever, wishing you all the best,mate.

[A-Train]

As a father I believe that very few men are ready to have kids. You get ready after, and as, it happens.  Nothing wrong with that and it works out most all of the time.  If you know it's not for you, that's a different story.

But, speaking for myself, I had no idea how much I wanted my son until after he had arrived.  Then I couldn't understand why I had wondered.  It was like walking through a door to one of those pressurized, submarine compartments and sealing it behind you.

That said, and I don't care if this ticks anyone off, having a child is a much bigger deal to a husband than to a wife.  Once the child is here, life is no longer about you but entirely about the newborn.  Or at least it should be that way.

[Escaped Lunatic]

Personally, babies terrify me (I'm not exactly afraid of them - I'm afraid I'll accidentally break them), but I wouldn't mind getting another daughter or two as long as they are old enough to be housebroken.

[Stil]

Perhaps you are afraid of being a father, of making mistakes.

Perhaps you are afraid of the commitment children bring to the path you are currently on.

Perhaps you are afraid that having children takes away any 'youthful carefree living' you might want to still enjoy.

All of this is perfectly normal.

You need to to take some time for yourself and really think.
What do you truly want?
Why would thirty-three be any different than thirty-one for you?
How pretty are the nurses at the fertility clinic?

[psd4fan]

I was forty five when my wife had her second and my first. Scared shitless then and sometimes now. Wouldn't go back for Bill Gates' money.  
Wifey probably asked me if I was ready 100 times and I usually replied " I think so"
Had no idea of the complete commitment I was getting myself in for but I have never regretted doing so.

[Noodles]

Why have a test. There is a far better way of checking you fertility 

And i agree with A-train, i never thought i wanted to have kids and now i couldn't live without my daughter. Strange how your feelings change when your holding that little stinky bundle of joy.

[BrandeX]

I would assume, because after a certain time and this sort of thing doesn't just randomly happen by itself, which it will in most cases, people want to find out why.

[Escaped Lunatic]

I would assume, because after a certain time and this sort of thing doesn't just randomly happen by itself, which it will in most cases, people want to find out why.

Er, we've already got someone who's less than enthusiastic about the potential knocking up.  The thread seems to imply that a test is being suggested pre

Personally, I do wonder why anyone would bother with a fertility test before giving it a serious go for at least 4 or 5 months.

[English Gent]

thats my point too, we havent 'tried' properly at all.
bloody chinese with there 'everything is an emergency no matter how trivial' attitude.
she seems to of calmed down now and is saying 'ok lets just try properly for a while'
i havent been for the test, not likely to either, maybe in  a year, but by then she will be 32 and by her standards 'on the scrapheap'! go figure!
alls well.....for now!

[Granny Mae]

I would assume, because after a certain time and this sort of thing doesn't just randomly happen by itself, which it will in most cases, people want to find out why.

Er, we've already got someone who's less than enthusiastic about the potential knocking up.  The thread seems to imply that a test is being suggested pre

Personally, I do wonder why anyone would bother with a fertility test before giving it a serious go for at least 4 or 5 months.

EL, if you re read my response, that is exactly what I was alluding to and I thought that English Gent would pick up on it when I asked who was responsible for the contraception method.

[Granny Mae]

Just saw on TV that the male contraceptive pill is almost ready to go. A reporter expressed the view that a man would probably forget to take it. I don't agree with that view particularly when this would now give the man the control I believe he needs in many instances.