Jokes from my trashbin

What is the definition of a Will?




















A dead giveaway!

A little boy and his girl cousin were sharing the bathtub. She looks at his private parts and says "What is that?"  He replies, "That's my willy". The young girl then asks if she can touch it. "NO"! says the lad. "Why not?" she persists. "Because you have broken yours off already!"

Use the word "horticulture" in a sentence.



You can lead a horticulture, but you can't make her think.

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

this girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers today but I couldn't find any.

Any more jokes guys? Folks keep asking me. I guess I'd rather be known as that funny old lady rather than that silly old fart.

MISSING WIFE REPORT!

A husband went to police station to report his missing wife:

Husband : I’ve lost my wife, she went shopping yesterday and has still not come home.

Sergeant : What is her height? Husband : Oh, 5 something . . .

Sergeant : Build? Husband : Not slim, not really fat.

Sergeant : Color of eyes? Husband : Never noticed.

Sergeant : Color of hair? Husband : Changes according to season.

Sergeant : What was she wearing? Husband : Dress/suit/blue jeans -- I don’t remember exactly.

Sergeant : Did she go in a car? Husband : yes. Sergeant : What kind of car was it?

Husband : 2015 Corvette Stingray LT3 with the Z51 Performance Package, shark gray metallic paint, with the 6.2 liter V8 engine with Direct Injection generating 460 HP. 8-speed paddle-shift automatic transmission, and GT bucket seats, and has a very thin scratch on the front left door.

(at this point the husband started crying...)

Sergeant : Don't worry sir. We’ll find your car.

Thanks Pashley! I love that one. I was thinking that I wouldn't see another joke before Christmas.

A bloke was at a party, and asked his mate for a cigarette. "I thought you made a New Year's Resolution to give up smoking" his mate said. "I'm in the process of quitting" the bloke replies. "I'm in the middle of phase one."  "Phase one?" his mate asks. "Yeah" he replies, "I've quit buying."

Chinese joke, get ready.

Which bus do you take if you don't know where to go?















The 11 bus.








I guess that means "use your legs" as 11 somewhat looks the same.


Hardee har har har. Anybody here have an actually funny Chinese jokes?

A bloke, who is obviously drunk, walks into a bar and asks for a drink. "Sorry" says the bartender, "but you have obviously already had a little too much". Fuming , the bloke walks out the front door and then back in through the side door. "Can I have a drink please," he asks. Sorry, but you can't drink here" says the bartender. The bloke walks out and soon after stumbles in through the back door. "Can I please have a drink," he asks. "Enough!" the bartender screams. "I told you no drinks!" The drunk looks at the bartender closely and says: "Damn. How many bars do you work at?"

Anyone got any more jokes? People keep asking me, but they never seem to know any.

An Irish fellow from the city retires to a small rural town. Almost every evening he goes down to the local pub, orders three Guinness, drinks them, then heads home. The publican asks him about this and is told "One for me & I always have one for my brother Pat in Australia & another for my brother Declan in America." This goes on long enough to become routine.

One day he comes in and orders only two Guinness. The publican says "Sure and I'm sorry to see that. Which of your brothers has died, then?" Comes the reply: "Both my brothers are fine. It's just that I have given up drinking for Lent."

New mountains have been discovered in Asia.








Mount Ever








Mount Everer








Mount Everest
 

Thanks  Pashley and AMonk!

1.Bloke says to girl;
Want to hear a joke about my Penis?
Yes!
Never mind, it's too long!
She responds: Here's one about my Pu**y!; Oh wait, don't worry, you'll never get it!


2...... So I took off her shirt! Then she said "Take off my skirt, which I did. Take off my bra and panties", so I took them off. Then she looked at me and said. "I don't want to catch you wearing my things ever again"!