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[xwarrior]

MEXICAN  OYSTERS ... A  big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming  around in Mexico.

While  sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking  platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good,  the smell was wonderful.

He  asked the waiter, "What is that you just  served?"

The  waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are  called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this  morning. A delicacy!" The  cowboy said, "What the heck, bring me an  order." 

The  waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per  day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come  early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this  delicacy."

The  next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that  evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.  After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter  and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than  the ones I saw you serve yesterday."

The  waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, Senor.....Sometimes the bull wins. "

[A-Train]

An elderly couple were in church. The wife leaned over and whispered to her husband, "I just let out a long silent fart... what should I do?"

The husband replied, "Replace the batteries in your hearing aid."

[Pashley]

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs.  Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a grave side service for a homeless man.  He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and - well, being a typical man - I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.  I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place.  I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play. The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around.

I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends; played like I've never played before for this homeless man. And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together.  When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

Apparently I'm still lost ... it's a man thing.

[Stil]

[Escaped Lunatic]

Betty White rocks!

[Stil]

Betty White rocks!

I'm sure zero would do her.

[Escaped Lunatic]

Betty White rocks!

I'm sure zero would do her.

LMFAO!!!

[fox]

didnt take long ....

[Escaped Lunatic]

I knew there had to be an app for that.

[A-Train]

And surprisingly salty.

[teleplayer]

Irish Funeral


A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 Feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.

The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said:

"I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"

"My wife's."

''What happened to her?"

"She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."

He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"

The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."

A very poignant and touching moment of brotherhood and silence passed between the two men.

"Can I borrow the dog?"

The man replied, "Get in line."

[adamsmith]

The golden Phone

 

 


A photographer on vacation was inside a church in Orlando taking photographs when
he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read '$10,000 per call'.

The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by
what the telephone was used for.

The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for
$10,000 you could talk to God.

The American thanked the priest and went along his way.

Next stop was in Atlanta . There, at a very large cathedral, he saw
the same golden telephone with the same sign under it.

He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Orlando
and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was.

She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000
he could talk to God.

'O.K., thank you,' said the American.

He then traveled to Indianapolis , Washington , Philadelphia , Boston
, and New York .

In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same
'$10,000 per call' sign under it.

The American, upon leaving Vermont decided to travel up to Canada to
see if Canadians had the same phone.

He arrived in Canada , and again, in the first church he entered,
there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read '50 cents per call.'

The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign.
'Father, I've traveled all over America and I've seen this same golden telephone in many
churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to heaven,
but in the US the price was $10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?'

The priest smiled and answered, 'You're in Canada now, son ... it's a
local call.'

 


KEEP SMILING

[Sam Smith]

 

[Stil]

[Escaped Lunatic]

SUCCESS!!!!