• Home
  • Search
    •  
  • Login
    • Username: Password:

      Did you miss your activation email?

Author Topic: Jokes from my trashbin  (Read 208410 times)

Vegemite

  • Barfly
  • *
  • Posts: 387
Re: Jokes from my trashbin
« Reply #30 on: April 28, 2007, 04:19:17 AM »
Apologies to the Irish...

Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night

 

"I said, "Do you speak-a my language?"
He just smiled and gave me a vegemite sandwich"

Lone Traveller

  • Barfly
  • *
  • Posts: 1388
Re: Jokes from my trashbin
« Reply #31 on: April 28, 2007, 04:29:18 AM »
bkbkbkbkbk ahahahahah ahahahahah Poor Irish cop a beating don't they.
Courage is not the absense of fear, but rather the judgement that something else is more important than fear.

AMonk

  • Global Moderator
  • *****
  • Posts: 7370
Re: Jokes from my trashbin
« Reply #32 on: April 28, 2007, 05:29:57 AM »
Why are the Irish jokes so stupid?










........So's the English will understand them!!!
Moderation....in most things...

Lone Traveller

  • Barfly
  • *
  • Posts: 1388
Re: Jokes from my trashbin
« Reply #33 on: April 28, 2007, 09:08:56 AM »
Oooh AM.... Thems fighten words...  ahahahahah
Courage is not the absense of fear, but rather the judgement that something else is more important than fear.

Stil

  • Barfly
  • *
  • Posts: 4801
    • ChangshaNotes
Re: Jokes from my trashbin
« Reply #34 on: April 28, 2007, 11:19:19 AM »
Oooh AM.... Thems fighten words...  ahahahahah

Naw, don't worry, They won't understand.

cheekygal

  • Limboid
  • Posts: 3511
Re: Jokes from my trashbin
« Reply #35 on: May 02, 2007, 01:59:28 PM »
This is a look at what the United States was like 100 years ago. 

The year was 1907, one hundred years ago.  What a difference a century
makes!

Here are some of the U.S. Statistics for the Year 1907: 

The average life expectancy in the U.S. Was 47 years old.

Only 14 percent of the homes in the U.S. Had a bathtub.

Only 8 percent of the homes had a telephone.

A three-minute call from Denver to New York City cost eleven dollars.

There were only 8,000 cars in the U.S. , and only 144 miles of paved
roads.

The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph.

Alabama, Mississippi, Iowa, and Tennessee were each more heavily
populated than California with a mere 1.4 million people, California was
only the 21st most populous state in the Union.

The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower !

The average wage in the U..S. Was 22 Cents per hour.

The average U.S. Worker made between $200 and $400 per year.

A competent accountant could expect to earn $2000 per year,

a dentist made $2,500 per year,

a veterinarian $1,500 per year,

and a mechanical engineer about $5,000 per year.

More than 95 percent of all births in the U.S. took place at home.

Ninety percent of all U.S. Doctors had NO COLLEGE EDUCATION!

Instead, they attended so-called medical schools, many of which were
condemned

in the press AND by the government as "substandard."

Sugar cost four cents a pound. Eggs were fourteen cents a dozen.

Coffee was fifteen cents a pound.

Most women only washed their hair once a month, and used Borax or
egg yolks for shampoo.

Canada passed a law that prohibited poor people from entering into their
country for any reason.

Five leading causes of death in the U.S. were:

  1. Pneumonia and influenza

  2. Tuberculosis

  3. Diarrhea

  4. Heart disease

  5. Stroke

The American flag had 45 stars.  Arizona, Oklahoma, New Mexico, Hawaii,
and
Alaska hadn't been admitted to the Union yet.

The population of Las Vegas , Nevada , was only 30!!!!

Crossword puzzles and ice tea hadn't been invented yet.

There was no Mother's Day or Father's Day.

Two out of every 10 U.S. Adults couldn't read or write.

Only 6 percent of all Americans had
 graduated from high school.

Marijuana, heroin, and morphine were all available over the counter
at the local corner drugstores. Back then pharmacists Said, "Heroin
clears the complexion, gives buoyancy to the mind, regulates the stomach and
bowels, and is, in fact, a perfect guardian of health."

There were about 230 reported murders in the entire U.S.A.!

Now reading it is a matter of just seconds!!  Others all over the
United States and possibly the world could also receive it in a matter
of just seconds !!!

Just try to imagine.....

What it may be like ....

In another 100 years !!!!!!!

IT STAGGERS THE MIND !!!!!!!!!

And now try to imagine what will happen with China in 100 years aoaoaoaoao           

AMonk

  • Global Moderator
  • *****
  • Posts: 7370
Re: Jokes from my trashbin
« Reply #36 on: May 03, 2007, 10:00:54 AM »
Why don't oysters give to Charity?.....because they're shellfish!






How do you make a Hotdog Stand?........take away his chair!!!!




My new Motto --- "Mother" is a Verb, not a Noun.

Spotted on a sign:  Yard Sale. 7am--until my wife lets me back in the house!





Moderation....in most things...

Mr Nobody

  • Barfly
  • *
  • Posts: 1532
Re: Jokes from my trashbin
« Reply #37 on: May 05, 2007, 02:11:19 AM »
Last year I used the post Cheeky put up as a class, comparing China's developmental progress to this. It worked out ok.
Just another roadkill on the information superhighway.

Lone Traveller

  • Barfly
  • *
  • Posts: 1388
Re: Jokes from my trashbin
« Reply #38 on: May 09, 2007, 07:54:15 AM »
 bkbkbkbkbk

Love the redneck pick up lines.  bfbfbfbfbf Reminds me of some people I know back home...   bibibibibi
Courage is not the absense of fear, but rather the judgement that something else is more important than fear.

Lone Traveller

  • Barfly
  • *
  • Posts: 1388
Re: Jokes from my trashbin
« Reply #39 on: May 09, 2007, 01:48:59 PM »
BLIND MAN IN A BIKER BAR

A blind man wanders into an all girls biker bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee.

After sitting there for awhile, he yells to the server,
"Hey, you wanna hear a blond joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very
deep, husky voice the woman next to him says,

"Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only fair,
given that you're blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blond girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blond girl.

3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. blond woman with a
black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blond and a
professional weightlifter.

5. The lady to your right is blond and a
professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Mister.
Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes
his head,and mutters,

"No... Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
Courage is not the absense of fear, but rather the judgement that something else is more important than fear.

Con ate dog

  • Benevolent Despot Wearing a Stupid Paper Hat That Says "Trainee"
  • *****
  • Posts: 5078
Re: Jokes from my trashbin
« Reply #40 on: May 10, 2007, 06:44:29 AM »

      Why, Why, Why 

...do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?

Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough money?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your
first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right"? Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot"?

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

And my FAVORITE......
       The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends - if they're okay, then it's you.

And there is no liar like the indignant man... -Nietszche

Nothing is so fatiguing as the eternal hanging on of an uncompleted task. -William James

englishmoose.com

Newbs

  • Barfly
  • *
  • Posts: 443
Re: Jokes from my trashbin
« Reply #41 on: May 10, 2007, 08:55:47 AM »
Quote
Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough money?
YESSSS!

Mr Nobody

  • Barfly
  • *
  • Posts: 1532
Re: Jokes from my trashbin
« Reply #42 on: May 10, 2007, 03:11:35 PM »
If you want to know the answers to Con's questions, just send a SAE with 20AUD or the equivalent in other currencies to the following address:

Mr N,
Centre of the Universe,
Post code 0000000001
Just another roadkill on the information superhighway.

Mr Nobody

  • Barfly
  • *
  • Posts: 1532
Re: Jokes from my trashbin
« Reply #43 on: May 10, 2007, 03:53:18 PM »
If you want to know the answers to Con's questions, just send a SAE with 20AUD or the equivalent in other currencies to the following address:

Mr N,
Centre of the Universe,
Post code 0000000001
Just another roadkill on the information superhighway.

dragonsaver

  • Global Moderator
  • *****
  • Posts: 4445
Re: Jokes from my trashbin
« Reply #44 on: May 11, 2007, 10:32:58 AM »
Double posting to get up the post count Mr Nobody  ahahahahah
Be kind to dragons for thou are crunchy when roasted and taste good with brie.