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Author Topic: Jokes from my trashbin  (Read 208250 times)

Granny Mae

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Re: Jokes from my trashbin
« Reply #1320 on: June 14, 2017, 10:27:42 PM »


A doctor asked a 75-year-old man to provide a sperm sample as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said: "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day, the man retunred to the doctor's office and handed over the jar, which was empty. When asked what happened, the man explained: "Well, doc, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

"Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, then with both hands still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.

"We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezing it between her knees, but still nothing."


The doctor was shocked!

"You asked your neighbour?"

The old man replied: "Yep, none of us could get the jar open." ahahahahah

Granny Mae

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Re: Jokes from my trashbin
« Reply #1321 on: June 24, 2017, 06:33:23 AM »


A man asked his daughter if she had seen his newspaper. She told him that newspapers are old school. She said that people use tablets nowadays and handed him her iPad.

That fly didn’t stand a chance.

•••

When a couple arrive at hospital to have their baby delivered, the doctor tells them he has invented a new machine that can transfer a portion of the mother's labour pain to the baby's father. He asks if they were willing to try it and they both agree.

The doctor sets the pain transfer to 10 per cent for starters, explaining that it was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. However, as the labour progresses, the husband feels fine and asks the doctor to kick it up a bit. The doctor then adjusts the machine to 20 per cent pain transfer. The husband still feels fine. The doctor checks the husband’s blood pressure and is amazed at how well he is taking the pain.

They then try 50 per cent and the husband continues to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was helping out the wife considerably, the husband encourages the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him and the wife delivers a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband are ecstatic.

When they get home, they find the postman dead on the porch.

Granny Mae

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Re: Jokes from my trashbin
« Reply #1322 on: June 28, 2017, 10:37:15 PM »


A suave businessman walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks: "Is your date running late?"

He replies: "No. I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says: "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"


The man explains: "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

The lady asks: "What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any underwear."

The woman giggles and replies: "Well it must be broken because I am!"

The man smiles, taps his watch and says: "Damn thing's an hour fast." uuuuuuuuuu afafafafaf

Granny Mae

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Re: Jokes from my trashbin
« Reply #1323 on: June 28, 2017, 10:38:56 PM »


A man stopped at a local restaurant after a day roaming around Spain. While sipping his sangria, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious-looking platter being served at the next table.

It looked good.

It smelled good.

He asked the waiter: "What is that you just served?"

The waiter replied: "Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"

The visitor, though momentarily daunted, said: "What the heck, I'm on holiday down here! Bring me an order!"

The waiter replied: "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy!"

The next morning, the man returned, placed his order, and then that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.

After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said: "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied: "Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins."  :wtf:

Granny Mae

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Re: Jokes from my trashbin
« Reply #1324 on: June 28, 2017, 10:43:56 PM »


An older woman (Granny Mae  uuuuuuuuuu)  is pulled over for speeding.

Older Woman: Is there a problem, officer?

Officer: You were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your licence please?

Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Older Woman: Lost it, four years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?

Older Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes five police cars circle the scene. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his gun.

Officer 2: Could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem, sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens it, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a drivers licence.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands her licence to the officer. The officer examines it and looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: One of my officers told me you didn't have a licence, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

Granny Mae

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Re: Jokes from my trashbin
« Reply #1325 on: July 07, 2017, 10:24:36 PM »


A Jewish man was leaving a convenience store with his coffee when he noticed an unusual Italian funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 metres behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary Italian man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 300 men walking in single file.

The Jewish man could not stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the Italian man walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen an Italian funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"

 "My wife's."

"What happened to her?"

 "She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her." 

 He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"

"My mother-in-law. She came to help my wife and the dog turned on her and killed her also." 

A very poignant and touching moment of Jewish and Italian brotherhood passed between the two men. The Jewish man then asked, "Can I borrow the dog?"

The Italian man replied, "Join the queue." :wtf:

Granny Mae

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Re: Jokes from my trashbin
« Reply #1326 on: July 07, 2017, 10:26:43 PM »

An elderly man walks into a confessional.

Man: “I am 92 years old, had a wonderful wife of 70 years who recently passed away, many children, grandchildren and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two tourists hitch-hiking. We went to a motel where I had sex with each of them three times.”

Priest: “Are you sorry for your sins?”

Man: “What sins?”

Priest: “What kind of a Catholic are you?”

Man: “I'm Jewish.”

Priest: “Why are you telling me all this?”

Man: “I'm 92 years old…I'm telling everybody!” uuuuuuuuuu ahahahahah

Escaped Lunatic

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Re: Jokes from my trashbin
« Reply #1327 on: July 10, 2017, 03:27:50 AM »
A very poignant and touching moment of Jewish and Italian brotherhood passed between the two men. The Jewish man then asked, "Can I borrow the dog?"

The Italian man replied, "Join the queue." :wtf:

It's so lucky I swallowed that mouthful of cola before reading the last line.  Otherwise, it would have been out my nose and all over the keyboard. ahahahahah
I'm pro-cloning and we vote!
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Granny Mae

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Re: Jokes from my trashbin
« Reply #1328 on: July 10, 2017, 11:49:26 PM »
Thanks EL! I was wondering if anyone was reading the jokes, or if I had perhaps overstepped the mark with some of them. ahahahahah

Granny Mae

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Re: Jokes from my trashbin
« Reply #1329 on: July 14, 2017, 10:21:53 PM »

Little Larry attended a horse auction with his father.

He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest.

After a few minutes, Larry asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?'

His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape first.’

Larry, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the milkman wants to buy Mum!' afafafafaf

Granny Mae

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Re: Jokes from my trashbin
« Reply #1330 on: July 14, 2017, 10:24:33 PM »

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses.

She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!'

After a few seconds, Little Larry stood up.

The teacher asked , 'Do you think you're stupid, Larry?'


'No, ma'am, but I didn't like to see you standing there all by yourself!' bjbjbjbjbj

Granny Mae

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Re: Jokes from my trashbin
« Reply #1331 on: July 28, 2017, 11:27:13 PM »

A man stands on the floor of a factory, not doing any work. The CEO comes up and asks his monthly salary. The man tells him it is $1000. The CEO pulls out his wallet, gives the man $1000 and says, “Here's your month salary. I pay people to work here. Get out and never come back”.

The man leaves.

The CEO asks the other workers, “Who was that guy?”

They tell him he was the pizza delivery man.

Granny Mae

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Re: Jokes from my trashbin
« Reply #1332 on: July 28, 2017, 11:28:56 PM »


A newly married couple goes to the county fair. The husband spots a stall offering helicopter rides and really wants to go. His wife looks at him and says, "It's too expensive, 50 bucks is 50 bucks."

They go every year to the fair and every year the husband wants to take a helicopter ride, but his wife continually says, "50 bucks is 50 bucks."

After 20 years of turning up to the fair the helicopter pilot overhears the couple's conversation, and offers to give them a ride for free, on one condition. The husband can't make a sound during the ride.

During the ride, the pilot really showcases his skills, performing daring manoeuvres that make the stomach turn. After the ride is over, he tells the man about his surprise that he didn't make a sound during the flight. He has other riders who can't stop screaming during the ride when he performs those daring stunts.

The husband tells him he almost made a sound when his wife fell out, but "50 bucks is 50 bucks." :wtf: