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Author Topic: Jokes from my trashbin  (Read 204789 times)

Granny Mae

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Re: Jokes from my trashbin
« Reply #1305 on: March 23, 2017, 10:02:34 PM »
The fork gets used a little later;preferably when they get home. afafafafaf

Granny Mae

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Re: Jokes from my trashbin
« Reply #1306 on: March 24, 2017, 10:08:27 PM »
Many a true word! uuuuuuuuuu

Three friends married women from different parts of the world.

The first man married a Greek girl. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a Thai girl. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from Australia. He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. The first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything either but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye. His arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he urinates.   :wtf:

AMonk

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Re: Jokes from my trashbin
« Reply #1307 on: March 25, 2017, 11:29:07 PM »
Two Blondes, Erica and Mary were having drinks and watching a movie at Mary's house. After the movie Erica got up to leave but realized it was pouring rain.
"You might as well stay the night instead of getting soaked," said Mary. "I'll go upstairs and fix up the spare room for you".
When Mary came back downstairs Erica was standing in the living room soaking wet."What happened?" she asked.
Erica replied, "I went home to get my pajamas".
Moderation....in most things...

Granny Mae

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Re: Jokes from my trashbin
« Reply #1308 on: April 15, 2017, 10:20:11 PM »
 •••

A man was driving along the highway, when he saw the Easter Bunny hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting him, but to no avail. The basket of eggs went flying all over the place.

The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road, and got out to see what had become of the Bunny carrying the basket. Much to his dismay, the Bunny was dead.

The driver felt guilty and began to cry.


A woman driving down the same highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.

"I feel terrible," he explained, "I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny and killed it. What should I do?"

The woman told the man not to worry. She knew exactly what to do. She went to her car, and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead Bunny, and sprayed the entire contents of the can onto the little furry animal.

Miraculously, the Easter Bunny came to back life, jumped up, picked up the spilled eggs and candy, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped on down the road. When he got 20 metres away, the Easter Bunny stopped, turned around, waved and hopped on down the road for another 20 metres, then turned, waved, hopped another 20 metres and waved again!

The man was astonished. He said to the woman, "What in heaven's name is in your spray can?" The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said: "Hair spray. Restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave."

Granny Mae

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Re: Jokes from my trashbin
« Reply #1309 on: April 15, 2017, 10:21:49 PM »
A farmer plays a prank on Easter Sunday. After the egg hunt, he sneaks into the chicken coop and replaces every white egg with a brightly coloured one.

Minutes later, the rooster walks in. He spots the coloured eggs, then storms out and beats up the peacock

Granny Mae

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Re: Jokes from my trashbin
« Reply #1310 on: April 20, 2017, 10:04:56 PM »
A man walks into a chemist with his eight-year-old son. They walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, “What are these, Dad?”

To which the dad pragmatically replies, “Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex.”

“Oh, I see,” the boy says, pensively. “I’ve heard of that in health class at school.” He looks over the display, picks up a package of three, and asks, “Why are there three in this package?”

The dad replies, “Those are for high school boys, one for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday.”


“Cool,” says the boy. He notices a six-pack and asks, “Then, who are these for?”

“Those are for college men,” the dad answers. “Two for Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday.”

“Wow!” exclaims the boy. “Then, who uses these?” he asks, picking up a 12-pack.

With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replies, “Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March …” :wtf: uuuuuuuuuu

Granny Mae

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Re: Jokes from my trashbin
« Reply #1311 on: May 05, 2017, 10:12:29 PM »
The king was getting old and did not trust his sons to rule his kingdom after his passing. He decided that he must find a husband for his daughter. This man, who would one day take the throne, had to be the bravest and fiercest warrior in all the land.

The king devised a test. His engineers immediately began work on a massive pit filled with horrors.

On the day of reckoning, hundreds of brave men travelled from all the corners of the kingdom to prove their worth. They stood crowded at the edges of the pit waiting for the event to begin.

The king stood with the princess on the far side of the pit and addressed the crowd.

"I seek the bravest and fiercest warrior to take my daughter's hand in marriage. To do so, simply cross this pit from that side to this and take her hand in yours. Additionally, I will..."

Before the king could finish, one of the warriors went straight into the pit and into a pool of black water. The crowd roared with excitement.

Starving crocodiles, imported from the Nile, immediately swarmed him. After a furious churning of blood and black water, the warrior emerged.

As he advanced, a swinging pendulum missed his face by a hair. The warrior ducked, dodged, and rolled past flying arrows, battering rams, spinning swords, and spouts of fire.

The warrior was halfway through the pit when the lions pounced on him. The warrior was quick. He blinded them with mud and lured them into attacking each other. Some he killed with his bare hands.

A few steps later, a giant swung his massive club with a thunderous shout. The crowd watched in amazement as the warrior slowly wore out the giant and broke him down by steadily pelting stones at his head. Finally, the giant fell.

The warrior slowly climbed out the far side of the pit, beaten and bloodied. He took the fair princess' hand in his.

"I am truly amazed," exclaimed the king.

"You went into my pit with no hesitation and have valiantly survived every obstacle. You are truly the rightful heir to my throne. However, you likely did not hear the rest of my proposal," said the king.

"Whoever survives the pit will not only take my daughter's hand in marriage, but may also make any request of the king that is in my power to grant. So, do you have a request, brave warrior?"

"Yes," said the warrior. "Your highness, I want you to bring me the head of the guy who pushed me in."

Granny Mae

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Re: Jokes from my trashbin
« Reply #1312 on: May 05, 2017, 10:15:28 PM »
An Irish painter by the name of Murphy, while not a brilliant scholar, was a gifted portrait artist.

Over a short number of years, his fame grew and soon people from all over Ireland were coming to the town of Miltown Malbay, in County Clare, to get him to paint their likeness.

One day, a beautiful young English woman arrived at his house in a stretch limo and asked if he would paint her in the nude.

This being the first time anyone had made such a request he was a bit flustered, particularly when the woman told him that money was no object; in fact, she was willing to pay up to £10,000.


Not wanting to get into any marital strife, he asked her to wait while he to confer with Mary, his wife.

It was hard to make the decision, but finally his wife agreed.

"T'would be me pleasure to paint yer portrait, missus," he said. "The wife says it's okay. I'll paint you in the nude all right; but I have to leave me socks on, so I have a place to wipe me brushes." bfbfbfbfbf

Granny Mae

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Re: Jokes from my trashbin
« Reply #1313 on: May 05, 2017, 10:25:47 PM »
This extract from an actual hotel brochure in Beijing will be sure to make you laugh, but we’re not sure you would want to stay there. ahahahahah

Getting There: Our representative will make you wait at the airport. The bus to the hotel runs along the lake shore. Soon you will feel pleasure in passing water. You will know that you are getting near the hotel, because you will go round the bend. The manager will await you in the entrance hall. He always tries to have intercourse with all new guests.

The hotel: This is a family hotel, so children are very welcome. We of course are always pleased to accept adultery. Highly skilled nurses are available in the evenings to put down your children. Guests are invited to conjugate in the bar and expose themselves to others. But please note that ladies are not allowed to have babies in the bar. We organize social games, so no guest is ever left alone to play with them self.

The Restaurant: Our menus have been carefully chosen to be ordinary and unexciting. At dinner, our quartet will circulate from table to table, and fiddle with you.


Your Room: Every room has excellent facilities for your private parts. In winter, every room is on heat. Each room has a balcony offering views of outstanding obscenity! You will not be disturbed by traffic noise, since the road between the hotel and the lake is used only by pederasts.

Bed: Your bed has been made in accordance with local tradition. If you have any other ideas please ring for the chambermaid. Please take advantage of her. She will be very pleased to squash your shirts, blouses and underwear. If asked, she will also squeeze your trousers.

Above all: When you leave us at the end of your holiday, you will have no hope. You will struggle to forget it.

Granny Mae

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Re: Jokes from my trashbin
« Reply #1314 on: June 02, 2017, 10:02:13 PM »


Ralph and Edna were both patients in a psychiatric hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly veered sideways and jumped into the deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna immediately jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the head nurse became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as Edna's good deeds indicated that she was mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, “Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is we are discharging you. Since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of a person I have concluded that your act displays that you are of a sound mind. The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.”


Edna replied, “He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?”

Granny Mae

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Re: Jokes from my trashbin
« Reply #1315 on: June 02, 2017, 10:03:27 PM »


A mafia boss finds out that his bookkeeper of 20 years, Guido, has cheated him out of $10 million. Guido is deaf which is why he got the job in the first place. The Godfather assumed that since Guido could not hear anything, he could never testify in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his personal lawyer because he knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer, “Ask him where the money is!”

The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, “Where’s the money?”

Guido signs back, “I don’t know what you are talking about.”

The lawyer tells the Godfather, “He says he doesn’t know what you are talking about.”

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido’s head and says, “Ask him again or I’ll kill him!”

The lawyer signs to Guido, “He’ll kill you if you don’t tell him.”

Guido trembles and signs back, “OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno’s house.”

The Godfather asks the lawyer, “What did he say?”

The lawyer replies, “He says you don’t have the balls to pull the trigger.”


Granny Mae

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Re: Jokes from my trashbin
« Reply #1316 on: June 02, 2017, 10:10:30 PM »

A 15-year-old Amish boy and his father went to a shopping mall.

They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, "What is this Father?"

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don’t know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheelchair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally, the walls opened again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son,

"Go get your Mother."

AMonk

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Re: Jokes from my trashbin
« Reply #1317 on: June 02, 2017, 10:59:18 PM »
 agagagagag agagagagag agagagagag
Moderation....in most things...

Granny Mae

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Re: Jokes from my trashbin
« Reply #1318 on: June 05, 2017, 10:00:39 PM »

A blonde hadn't been to church for many, many months. She always promised to go, but never did.

One day, the minister was astounded when she suddenly rocked up for Sunday service.

Thereafter, she was at every Sunday service, every prayer meeting, and every home group meeting, etc.

Three months later, one Sunday after the service, the minister asks her, "What happened to you? You always dodged church and now it looks like you can't get enough of it?"

She replied, "It's this new car of mine pastor, they told me the warranty will lapse if I miss even one service!" bibibibibi ahahahahah

Granny Mae

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Re: Jokes from my trashbin
« Reply #1319 on: June 06, 2017, 10:22:08 PM »


A news station is interviewing an elderly woman who has just married for the fourth time.

The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at her age, and then about her new husband’s occupation.

“He’s a funeral director,” she answered.

“Interesting,” the interviewer replied. He then asked her if she wouldn’t mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.

She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years.

After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her 20s, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40s, and a preacher when in her 60s, and now – in her 80’s – a funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.

She smiled and explained, “I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go.” :banana: :candyraver: :dancemj: bfbfbfbfbf