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Author Topic: Jokes from my trashbin  (Read 205000 times)

Granny Mae

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Re: Jokes from my trashbin
« Reply #1320 on: June 14, 2017, 10:27:42 PM »

A doctor asked a 75-year-old man to provide a sperm sample as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said: "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day, the man retunred to the doctor's office and handed over the jar, which was empty. When asked what happened, the man explained: "Well, doc, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

"Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, then with both hands still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.

"We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezing it between her knees, but still nothing."

The doctor was shocked!

"You asked your neighbour?"

The old man replied: "Yep, none of us could get the jar open." ahahahahah

Granny Mae

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Re: Jokes from my trashbin
« Reply #1321 on: June 24, 2017, 06:33:23 AM »

A man asked his daughter if she had seen his newspaper. She told him that newspapers are old school. She said that people use tablets nowadays and handed him her iPad.

That fly didn’t stand a chance.


When a couple arrive at hospital to have their baby delivered, the doctor tells them he has invented a new machine that can transfer a portion of the mother's labour pain to the baby's father. He asks if they were willing to try it and they both agree.

The doctor sets the pain transfer to 10 per cent for starters, explaining that it was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. However, as the labour progresses, the husband feels fine and asks the doctor to kick it up a bit. The doctor then adjusts the machine to 20 per cent pain transfer. The husband still feels fine. The doctor checks the husband’s blood pressure and is amazed at how well he is taking the pain.

They then try 50 per cent and the husband continues to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was helping out the wife considerably, the husband encourages the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him and the wife delivers a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband are ecstatic.

When they get home, they find the postman dead on the porch.

Granny Mae

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Re: Jokes from my trashbin
« Reply #1322 on: Yesterday at 10:37:15 PM »

A suave businessman walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks: "Is your date running late?"

He replies: "No. I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says: "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

The man explains: "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

The lady asks: "What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any underwear."

The woman giggles and replies: "Well it must be broken because I am!"

The man smiles, taps his watch and says: "Damn thing's an hour fast." uuuuuuuuuu afafafafaf

Granny Mae

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Re: Jokes from my trashbin
« Reply #1323 on: Yesterday at 10:38:56 PM »

A man stopped at a local restaurant after a day roaming around Spain. While sipping his sangria, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious-looking platter being served at the next table.

It looked good.

It smelled good.

He asked the waiter: "What is that you just served?"

The waiter replied: "Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"

The visitor, though momentarily daunted, said: "What the heck, I'm on holiday down here! Bring me an order!"

The waiter replied: "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy!"

The next morning, the man returned, placed his order, and then that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.

After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said: "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied: "Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins."  :wtf:

Granny Mae

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Re: Jokes from my trashbin
« Reply #1324 on: Yesterday at 10:43:56 PM »

An older woman (Granny Mae  uuuuuuuuuu)  is pulled over for speeding.

Older Woman: Is there a problem, officer?

Officer: You were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your licence please?

Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Older Woman: Lost it, four years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?

Older Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes five police cars circle the scene. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his gun.

Officer 2: Could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem, sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens it, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a drivers licence.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands her licence to the officer. The officer examines it and looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: One of my officers told me you didn't have a licence, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.