Raoul's China Saloon (V4.0 Beta)

The Bar Room => The Bar (ON-TOPIC) => Topic started by: Fozzwaldus on February 08, 2012, 03:31:57 AM

Title: Male Chinese Friends 'getting a life'
Post by: Fozzwaldus on February 08, 2012, 03:31:57 AM
I would like to start this thread as an adjunct to eggcluck's 'getting a life' thread

Mr Benn's quote got me thinking:

'men will jerk you around to establish how important they are. (I really detest Chinese men, but obviously you will almost certainly be more tolerant of their BS than I am, or perhaps even understand it as something other than being an A'hole).'

I want more Chinese friends in general, for reasons of practicing my language, but also as part of an ongoing effort to assimilate into a culture that I have invested a lot of time and effort into (I get very bored of expat bubbles). I'm married, and therefore would not be comfortable going out to meet and befriend Chinese women (I can do this with my wife and her colleagues/friends etc), but I find it diffficult to get to know/make friends with Chinese men.

Have any of the other guys on the forum found this difficult?

I'd really like a couple of 哥们儿 to go out and have a beer and BBQ with.

Maybe it's me, I don't like team sports and tend to like to win the 'what language will we speak' war. What I need is a guy that can't speak much English but is nonetheless interested in and patient enough to get to know a foreigner with imperfect Chinese.

I'd like to hear the experiences of the other guys on the forum, how did your friendships start up? On what basis were they maintained?

[NB - any gay jokes should be put in square brakets at the end of the post, just like this, and should not constitutes the main body of any individual post, thank you.  bjbjbjbjbj ahahahahah ahahahahah ahahahahah ahahahahah]




Title: Re: Male Chinese Friends 'getting a life'
Post by: babala on February 08, 2012, 05:37:13 AM
I'm not male but can I play afafafafaf afafafafaf

I have quite a few Chinese guy friends. In fact about 85% of my Chinese friends are male. I just seem to relate to them better than Chinese women as I find I don't have a lot in common with most of them. I tend to meet most of my guy buddies in local establishments (gym, bar, local restaurant...). My local watering hole is where I've met the most. The Chinese guys who come in tend to work for foreign companies and enjoy the company of westerners. They are happy to speak either Chinese or English. They aren't looking to "improve their English" and thus the time together becomes an English lesson. They are just cool guys hanging out. Suzhou has so many foreign companies here that it is easy to meet these kind of guys. Does your city have many foreign companies?
Title: Re: Male Chinese Friends 'getting a life'
Post by: Fozzwaldus on February 08, 2012, 06:12:23 AM
yeah, loads of foreign companies here in Ningbo. Maybe a problem is that when I go out to bars/restaurants I'm with my wife, and therefore not looking to meet people.

Also, I might be being too sensitive, but I also get an unfriendly vibe off Chinese dudes when I'm with my wife.

Title: Re: Male Chinese Friends 'getting a life'
Post by: MK on February 08, 2012, 08:56:40 AM
I just want to chime in and say I haven't made many Chinese male friends either. 

I have tried, but the only local guys I have met up with more than once or twice have been female friend's husbands or boyfriends, and a couple of gay guys, also friends of Chinese gals I have met... I also get hostile vibes off a lot of Chinese dudes, and there also tends to be a lot of ostentatious showing off of wealth and importance and other dick measuring which I just can't be bothered with.

Wasn't actually aware this was a common problem, It's quite interesting...
Title: Re: Male Chinese Friends 'getting a life'
Post by: Escaped Lunatic on February 08, 2012, 09:45:48 AM
I've got plenty Chinese male friends, but most of those relationships are pretty casual (and often involve large quantities of baijiu).  My closest friends are all female.
Title: Re: Male Chinese Friends 'getting a life'
Post by: slayer6719 on February 08, 2012, 10:53:58 AM
I,ve got a couple of Male Chinese friends that i,ve met but most Men i,ve met seem to be into the face thing or only wanna drink and goto those places with girls bhbhbhbhbh married men shouldnt go(If they wanna stay married).
More Nu Xin Peng You 女性朋友 than i would of thought is possible.  ahahahahah
Crazy thing is the 2 blokes i,m friends with dont drink at all but the girls like to goto KTV and  :alcoholic: :alcoholic: :alcoholic: :alcoholic: :alcoholic: and sing! mmmmmmmmmm
Title: Re: Male Chinese Friends 'getting a life'
Post by: The Local Dialect on February 08, 2012, 12:07:38 PM
Like Babala I'm not a guy, I've also have had a lot of Chinese guy friends.

I tended to hang out with a lot of musicians and artists before I got married. That's how I eventually met my husband. I found that those guys generally were not (at all) interested in learning English and tended to be a bit more open-minded than your average Chinese bear. I also knew a lot of Chinese stoners. Read what you will into that -- but! they tended to be pretty cool people who were the exact opposite of the ultranationalist oh-noes-a-foreign-guy-is-despoiling-china's-virgins types who are probably the ones giving you the stinkeye. These guys were also friends with my foreign guy friends, so it wasn't just that I was nonthreatening due to my not having a dick to wave. I am still in touch with some of these guys but I don't see them more than once a year now that we live in Beijing and then it is always a big group get together.

Fozz if you ever come to Beijing my husband would have a beer and some BBQ with you. He can't speak English and doesn't like team sports either, unless it's the World Cup. :)
Title: Re: Male Chinese Friends 'getting a life'
Post by: kitano on February 08, 2012, 01:48:03 PM
Just from reading this I always think a lot of people's complaints about 'Chinese people' come from living in provincial places. You read so many times over the internet how 'Chinese men are just small minded into cars and drinking competitions and Chinese girls are just into getting their money to buy them rubbish' as if that was unique to China. I grew up in a pretty small city in England although luckily it did have a lot of culture going on, but most people were still 'meatheads' or whatever, and I got the same thing when I went to university in another provincial city in south England cos I didn't get to meet the right people until my last year. Most people are boring everywhere lol

Nowadays I'm really anti social, it was the same when I lived in other big cities, it's a trek into the centre where there is stuff to do. I know about 5 people here who I see one or two times a week, mostly I just stay at home eating crisps and masturbating
Title: Re: Male Chinese Friends 'getting a life'
Post by: Fozzwaldus on February 08, 2012, 02:22:26 PM
LD

I found that those guys generally were not (at all) interested in learning English and tended to be a bit more open-minded than your average Chinese bear. I also knew a lot of Chinese stoners. Read what you will into that -- but! they tended to be pretty cool people who were the exact opposite of the ultranationalist oh-noes-a-foreign-guy-is-despoiling-china's-virgins types who are probably the ones giving you the stinkeye.


Yeah, this sounds about right. When I was in Chengdu I used to hang around and get drunk/stoned with a lovely, lively big mixed group of Chinese and foreigners. I guess common interests go a long way huh, I tend to get along well with artsy fartsy types. Unfortunately from this point of view, I live in Ningbo.  bibibibibi The closest thing I have to a male friend here is a journalist who's very into literature, and who opened a coffee shop with his wife near my uni. Owners of coffee shops/bars are great for befriending. Captive audience.  uuuuuuuuuu


Fozz if you ever come to Beijing my husband would have a beer and some BBQ with you. He can't speak English and doesn't like team sports either, unless it's the World Cup. :)


see, that's all I want!  ahahahahah ahahahahah shame I have to go all the way to Beijing for a playdate!  ahahahahah ahahahahah

I guess the point is that it diffficult for a foreigner in any country to make lasting friendships with locals once they get past a certain stage of their lives. I probably wouldn't be bothered getting to know some dude from Italy when I'm back in Dublin, I have so many friends and family there that I never have time enough to see them all as it is...
If you're not in uni studying here in China, or you're not a 20-something working with other 20-somethings in a language mill somewhere, then it's just far more likely that people are too busy... and that makes me a little sad.

Kitano:
mostly I just stay at home eating crisps and masturbating

not salt and vinegar I hope, that could really sting, arf arf
Title: Re: Male Chinese Friends 'getting a life'
Post by: babala on February 08, 2012, 02:52:10 PM
I don't know if it's because I'm a woman or I have just been lucky but I haven't met those Chinese guys who are hostile towards foreign men dating/married to Chinese women. I'm with LD in that before most of my Chinese friends were musicians (I dated one for over 3 years). I do think that going to a pub with your wife will discourage Chinese guys from coming over and chatting with you. Try going out without the wife for a night and strike up a conversation with some local guys.
Title: Re: Male Chinese Friends 'getting a life'
Post by: zero on February 08, 2012, 09:15:08 PM
[You definitely can make friends with Chinese guys, but in China it's always tit-for-tat. You are going to have to pay the piper eventually. And that's probably going to have to be with your writhing, oiled up naked body. Now get out there and make some friends!]
Title: Re: Male Chinese Friends 'getting a life'
Post by: babala on February 08, 2012, 11:13:38 PM
I think your attitude going into it is important too. If you think that all Chinese guys are just looking to show off and begrudge you marrying a Chinese woman, then it will reflect in your attitude and thus prevent a friendship.
Title: Re: Male Chinese Friends 'getting a life'
Post by: Escaped Lunatic on February 09, 2012, 12:39:57 AM
I do sometimes get some strange looks walking down the street holding my daughter's hand.  In a few years, people will start thinking I'm one of those old guys who likes to date very young girls.
Title: Re: Male Chinese Friends 'getting a life'
Post by: Fozzwaldus on February 09, 2012, 01:17:15 AM
@babale -

yeah, you're right, going out with my wife is not the way to hang out with Chinese guys, is it? It's not like I'm walking around feeling paranoid daggers from every Chinese man in the vicinity, but I think there is a certain man-vs-man animosity that occurs here (sometimes) that maybe ladies don't experience. I think perhaps it is this way the world over.

Anyway, I guess the point is that if it hasn't happened incidentally by now, then it's unlikely to happen by forcing the situation. I could go out without the wife more often, but I don't really want to.  akakakakak

I just wanted to here the experiences of the other loonies.

I guess I ought to be glad for the friends that I do have, eh?
Title: Re: Male Chinese Friends 'getting a life'
Post by: Fozzwaldus on February 09, 2012, 01:31:26 AM
[You definitely can make friends with Chinese guys, but in China it's always tit-for-tat. You are going to have to pay the piper eventually. And that's probably going to have to be with your writhing, oiled up naked body. Now get out there and make some friends!]

Zero! I knew I could count on you to deliver within the agreed parameters of thread!  ahahahahah ahahahahah

I've got an English friend here in Ningbo who's spent a long time in China too, and he says that he's had friendships with Chinese guys that have all fallen apart over one issue: whoring. He just wasn't willing to go to the sauna after the boozy dinner, or to lie to his friends' wives about where they were when they'd been with their 'xiao san/er nai'.

My point being, Zero, is that you might have inadvertantly been correct! It probably would end up with me oiled up and writhing. [but not in a gay way]
Title: Re: Male Chinese Friends 'getting a life'
Post by: Borkya on February 09, 2012, 01:44:16 AM
My best friend in the whole world is a chinese guy. Now he lives in Hong Kong (where I just visited him, and got to stay rent free, for 2 weeks!)

I originally met him through class. Yeah, he wanted to "practice his english" and originally I didn't think much about him. I am really close and friendly with many of my students, but I stop short at revealing too much of myself, or talking about my problems. I am always aware that I am their teacher, and therefore there is a distance in our friendship.

But this guy was older than the other students and a different major. Since he wasn't part of the class I didn't have to worry about upsetting the class heirarchy by spending time with him outside of class (I try not to show favorites). Eventually it grew into a real friendship and I would count him as one of the best, best friends I've ever had. I've had some recent troubles in my life and he was the one who helped me through them. 

And I agree that having close chinese friends is really rewarding. You DO get to experience and learn about the culture in a totally new way. I got to spend a week in his hometown, a small village, living with his parents, meetings his grandparents, aunts and uncles. It was one of the best experiences I've had since coming to china and he said if I was his girlfriend, it never would have happened. And if I was a chinese girl, it also wouldn't have happened (it would be too inappropriate) but because I'm a foreigner it was no problem and nobody thought anything bad (though all the gossiping locals assumed I was his wife,ha ha ha)

So I forget where you teach, but if it's a uni, don't totally overlook the other students in other majors. 
Title: Re: Male Chinese Friends 'getting a life'
Post by: Fozzwaldus on February 09, 2012, 01:50:27 AM
@Borkya -

that's a good point. I teach undergrads, but the postgrads are a different kettle of fish altogther, many of them are much older and have a bit of world experience to them.
Title: Re: Male Chinese Friends 'getting a life'
Post by: jpd01 on February 09, 2012, 04:34:27 AM
Actually when I think about it I don't have any close female friends anymore. I used to have 3 or 4 really close female friends but they have slowly faded into the background.
My two closest friends are male, one I met through my wife and one is a student of mine.
Both are around the same age as me, Tony is 28 and divorced and spent a few years in the UK. Whenever we hang out it's easy and carefree. We both just want to hang out and there is no competition between us. We often go camping and hiking with a large group and I'm always the only foreigner there and Tony doesn't have any other foreign friends.
The other one Liu is one of my students and his wife went to the the same University as me (University of Queensland) and is a great guy. He is a real dirty MF but in a good way. Always cracking a joke and loves a beer and BBQ. He is really rare as a Chinese guy though, he and his wife are highschool sweethearts. He even waited for her to come back to China to get married and when he is drunk he admits that he hasn't ever slept with any other girl.
I must say that it does help that I'm the best drinker I know (not bragging my father always held drinking up as the number 1 desired trait in people) I very rarely go out to bars, mostly my drinking is done at BBQ or over dinner. But if you hold your own and/or out drink others it can gain you a lot of respect with Chinese guys. That being said most people act like complete dicks when they are trying to out drink others or simply when they are drunk.
I have a system of Chinese wing-manning, we take care of each other and know our limits. So if we are out with other people we will make sure we know how to act and drink.
Other than that it's hard to say how to make male friends in China. If you listen to other people I have about 6 "best friends"  or as my wife calls it "boyfriends"  llllllllll but I only classify those two as my mates, the rest are just friends.
 
Title: Re: Male Chinese Friends 'getting a life'
Post by: KeyserSoze on February 09, 2012, 11:35:47 AM
DOH  bibibibibi

I drink sparingly, thus I have no male Chinese friends!  ananananan

Thus I cannot stay up all night talking about delicious food while drinking paint thinner and later taking a cab to get a massage and a hand job.  alalalalal

Hmmmmm  mmmmmmmmmm

Yup, I'm good with that!  ababababab

As soon as I hear "baijiu" I am  oooooooooo  dddddddddd

Think what you will cuz they sell brandy or at least red wine every damn where.  axaxaxaxax


Oh wait, sorry Fozz I know nothing about cultivating relationships with Chinese males. I don't even try. However, my male boss does like me.

[but not in a swishy gay-like way.]

Title: Re: Male Chinese Friends 'getting a life'
Post by: Fozzwaldus on February 09, 2012, 11:46:57 AM
KS -

see, here in Ningbo, people don't drink so much. Actually I like the more Northern China style of 'lets all get mashed on baijiu and be BFF'. Maybe that's the point. I lived in Xi'an for 2 years, and once a year or so I visit XJ to see my wife's family, and I really like the cosy warm baijiu in winter vibe. It's so strong that after a few cups I get totally giddy. I know that my father-in-laws colleagues *love* me for the fact that I drink with them.

Maybe I should go back up north.
Title: Re: Male Chinese Friends 'getting a life'
Post by: KeyserSoze on February 09, 2012, 11:50:22 AM
Fozz - I hear ya. Perhaps we should trade places? All the baijiu you can drink and you pay nothing!
 agagagagag
Title: Re: Male Chinese Friends 'getting a life'
Post by: jpd01 on February 09, 2012, 12:29:18 PM
DOH  bibibibibi

I drink sparingly, thus I have no male Chinese friends!  ananananan

Thus I cannot stay up all night talking about delicious food while drinking paint thinner and later taking a cab to get a massage and a hand job.  alalalalal

Hmmmmm  mmmmmmmmmm

Yup, I'm good with that!  ababababab

As soon as I hear "baijiu" I am  oooooooooo  dddddddddd

Think what you will cuz they sell brandy or at least red wine every damn where.  axaxaxaxax


Oh wait, sorry Fozz I know nothing about cultivating relationships with Chinese males. I don't even try. However, my male boss does like me.

[but not in a swishy gay-like way.]



Just letting you know I've never drank baijiu outside of a wedding.
Title: Re: Male Chinese Friends 'getting a life'
Post by: KeyserSoze on February 09, 2012, 01:13:27 PM
jpd10 - Around here, baijiu is the sixth major food group after noodles, rice, meats, and ... those other things; but only Wednesday through Sunday. If you have dinner with two or more people, someone buys baijiu. I seriously need to move. Maybe it's only my uni. Hell if I know.
Title: Re: Male Chinese Friends 'getting a life'
Post by: babala on February 09, 2012, 02:23:14 PM
Fozz I understand what you mean about women not noticing the "looks" that Chinese men give the foreigner with the Chinese wife. I feel the same way sometimes with Chinese women. I find sometimes they are quick to talk to the men but rather reluctant to speak to me. I guess you only these things when it's the same sex as yourself.
Title: Re: Male Chinese Friends 'getting a life'
Post by: zero on February 09, 2012, 02:35:45 PM
Quote
Thus I cannot stay up all night talking about delicious food while drinking paint thinner and later taking a cab to get a massage and a hand job.
And why are you even in China?
Title: Re: Male Chinese Friends 'getting a life'
Post by: Fozzwaldus on February 09, 2012, 03:14:07 PM
Fozz I understand what you mean about women not noticing the "looks" that Chinese men give the foreigner with the Chinese wife. I feel the same way sometimes with Chinese women. I find sometimes they are quick to talk to the men but rather reluctant to speak to me. I guess you only these things when it's the same sex as yourself.

yip, methinks so too, exactly. I've always had plenty of female Chinese friends, just that I tend to let my wife choose our (Chinese) female friends at this stage, with one or two exceptions. 
Title: Re: Male Chinese Friends 'getting a life'
Post by: decurso on February 11, 2012, 01:58:57 AM
Most of my male Chinese friends were musicians, so being that I'm really into music, we always had at least that much in common. They were also into beer, girls and BBQ....so you know...we got along pretty great! agagagagag

 My earliest Chinese friends I met at all night xiao chi restuarants. You know...they see the foreigner sitting there and invite him to join their happy table. It happened a lot, and while it was not ALWAYS a pleasant experience, I made some great friends this way.

 In Beijing I tended to meet most of my friends at rock and roll bars and music festivals. My entire theory of networking is based on going to places where people with the same interests as you will be. It worked pretty well for me!
Title: Re: Male Chinese Friends 'getting a life'
Post by: KeyserSoze on February 11, 2012, 04:07:38 AM
Quote
Thus I cannot stay up all night talking about delicious food while drinking paint thinner and later taking a cab to get a massage and a hand job.
And why are you even in China?

I'm here for the ambiance.  ababababab