Jokes from my trashbin

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Girt" is used as an adjective to indicate "an object of immense size"

Nah! I think you mean "grate"...as in "China is a grate big country".
Girt is short for Girtrude.

Nah....I got it right.

"Grate" is what ya duz ta cheez. 

"Gert" is short form of Gert-rude.

But I still luvs ya, George

"Grate" is what ya duz ta cheez. 

Oh, I get it. Yer putz da cheez in da grate and litze da fire....to meltz da cheez!
Wasn't John Wayne in a movie called "True Girt"??

WRONG!!  As the guru says GIRT is actually the FT version of the Chinese word Geda.  As in  Ta geda hen da.  他疙大很大

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"Grate" is what ya duz ta cheez. 

Oh, I get it. Yer putz da cheez in da grate and litze da fire....to meltz da cheez!
Wasn't John Wayne in a movie called "True Girt"??

No, it was "Ture Grit"  

P.S. Why do Chinese students ALWAYS (well, 98.7% of the time) spell "true"as "ture"?

WRONG!!  As the guru says GIRT is actually the FT version of the Chinese word Geda.  As in  Ta geda hen da.  他各大很大

 

Either that or I'm totally misinterpreting 因为我喝最了。我有三伏特加酒, well I did until I got at them. Half a bottle magically disappeared and took my ability to write Chinese with it. I can still speak ok, though. Sign I should go and chat to the locals me thinks.

Sorry - wrong ge!  疙

I'll blame my 3 beers! 

What excuse to I have?

Oh yes, 伏特加酒。

Now, to McDonalds!

Why am I going? No idea. I am a vegetarian so I eat a small proportion of the menu anyway. Mates are there so off I go.

Wunce a jolly George-i-o camped out by the saloon
where all the degenerate expats did imbibe
And he grated his parmesan into a grate big can and said
you'll come a meltin' m'cheez, oh, with me

  Eeeuww! That's awful!!

Once a late for dinner, camped outside a restaurant
Close by the back door, right near their rubbish bins
And he smirked as he watched and waited for the garbage run
This is the best place to get free din-dins.

Once a jolly George did climb into the very rubbish bin
And beg latefor to leave some leftovers for him.
Late raised up his glass and he drank his friend's health and said,
"Here's to a total ba$tard" (in the kindest way)

   My God! That's worser!! No rhythm, no scan, no rhyme, no nothing!!

Once a jolly Georgie, wrote a song 'bout dinnerman
Using his famous musicality
And the dinnerman sang as he waited for the dessert bin
Bring me melted icecream and pink jelly

A woman walks into a Wal-Mart store's service counter and told the attendant behind the counter she wanted a refund for the item she bought because it didn't work. The clerk told her that he can't give her a refund because when she had bought it, it was on special.

Suddenly, the woman threw her arms up in the air and started screaming,
"PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES!"

The stunned clerk quickly ran away to get the store manager in front of a growing crowd of customers. The manager comes to the woman who is quite calm now and asks, "Madam what' s wrong?"

She quietly and casually explained the problem with the item. unfortunately, he too told her that the store can't give her a refund because she had bought it on special.

Once again, the woman quickly threw her arms up in the air and screamed,
"PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES!"

Of course, this draws an even bigger crowd than before!

In shock, the store manager asked her, "Lady, please lower your voice and for the Love of God, why are you saying that?"

In a hushed voice, the woman says,

"BECAUSE, I LIKE TO HAVE MY NIPPLES PINCHED WHEN I'M BEING SCREWED!"

The crowd applauded and she was refunded her money

One day, farmer Brown went to town to pick up supplies. First, he stopped by the hardware store and picked up a bucket and an anvil. Then, he stopped by the livestock dealer to buy a couple of chickens and a goose. Now he realized he had a problem as how to carry all of his purchases home.

The dealer said, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket and carry it in one hand, the goose in your other hand and put a chicken under each arm?"

"Hey, thanks, good idea!" said farmer Brown. While going home, he met a sweet little lady who told him she was lost. "Can you tell me how to get to 99 Maple Tree Route?"

The farmer said, "Sure thing as I live at 77 Maple Tree Route. Let's take my short cut and go down this alley, it'll be faster."

The sweet little lady said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and sexually ravish me for hours and hours?"

The farmer said, "Are you kidding! I'm carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"

The lady said, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."

A letter home from an Army recruit.


Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the station - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody horses to get in, no calves to feed, no troughs to clean - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!

At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or goanna stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the bullock paddock!!

This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody dingo's arse and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of piss!! You don't even load your own cartridges, they comes in little boxes, and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!

Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.
Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.

I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.

Your loving daughter,

Sheila

Hahhaha I like that one