Jokes from my trashbin

George, is Babe away today?

  George! You're on a roll tonight!

Me, I'm on a loo roll, thanks to unwashed tomatoes - should be down the local, quaffing pints of gin with old Eric and the other Linanauts......but, duty calls....actually, my bathroom is pretty spiffy - at least I don't have to stand on the toilet seat to take a shower; and the heat lamps make it nice and cosy for snuggling down with a good book.

Q: What do you call 4 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start.

Q: Why don't sharks eat lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.

Q: How do you confuse a blonde?
A: Put her in a round room and tell her to sit in the corner.

Q: How does a trombonist keep track of his gigs?
A: Year-At-A-Glance

Q: How do you know when there's a trombonist at your door?
A: Pizza's arrived!

Q: How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
A: Put it in the microwave until its Bill Withers.....

 A letter, addressed "To the world's greatest drummer", arrives at the home of Louie Bellson. He takes one look at it, and says, "well, this is obviously not for me", and forwards it to Gene Krupa. Krupa also takes one look at it, and also says, "well, this is obviously not for me", and he forwards it as well. The letter makes the rounds of famous drummers' homes, until it finally winds up at the home of Buddy Rich. He takes one look at it, and says, "well, this is obviously for me", rips it open, and reads "Dear Ringo...."

What's the difference between a musician and a large Domino's pizza?
A large Domino's pizza CAN feed a family of four

What was the epitaph on the blues player's gravestone?
"I didn't wake up this morning..."

General Custer and his aide were in the fort. The aide said, "General, I don't like the sound of those drums."
From over in the hills you hear a voice yell, "It's not our regular drummer."

How many engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
1) "Is that an analog bulb or a digital bulb?"
2) "It's in the manual, You DID READ THE MANUAL, DIDN'T YOU?"
3) "That's visual. I only do audio"

How many jazz pianists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Screw the changes, we'll fake it.

What do you call a drummer with no girlfiend?
Homeless.

 How many drummers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Twenty, one to hold the bulb and nineteen to drink beer till the room spins.


o-kay.....'tis back to the dunny for me, folks!!
 

A young blonde Irish woman walks into the casino and sits down at the craps table. She just sits and watches for a bit, but when the dealer asks her if she wants to play, she says that she's just watching, trying to learn the game. She'll try it in a bit, but right now she just wants to make sure she understands the game. A while later the dealer asks if she's interested in playing and she replies that yes, she'd like to try.

But there's just one thing. Whenever she gambles, she has to take her clothes off, for luck. Do they mind if she does?

No one objects, so she takes all of her clothes off. She takes the dice into her hands and whispers to them. She speaks softly, then a bit louder then finally loud enough for everyone at the table to hear: "Come on baby, Mamma needs new clothes. Come on baby, Mamma needs new clothes" She throws the dice high over the table, and as they fall she screams and starts jumping up and down yelling, "I won, I won, I won!" She takes her winnings, puts her clothing into a shopping bag, and leaves.

The dealers look at one another in disbelief. One of them asks,"By the way,what did she roll?" Another says, "I thought you were watching"

The moral of the story? Not all Irish are stupid, not all blondes are dumb. But guys, let's be honest. We're all men.

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello.  He's rather taken
aback because he can't place where he knows her from.

So he says, 'Do you know me?'
 
To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'
 
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching  while your partner whipped my rear with wet celery???'
 
She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.'

in the trashbin from a Sore loser but it is humorous--sorta'  

                       LETTER FROM THE BOSS.....

As the CEO of this organization, I have resigned myself to the fact that Barrack Obama is our President, and that our taxes, and government fees will increase in a BIG way. To compensate for these increases, our prices would have to increase by about 10%.

Since we cannot increase our prices right now due to the dismal state of the economy, we will have to lay off six of our employees instead. This has really been bothering me, since I believe we are family here and I didn't know how to choose who would have to go.

So, this is what I did. I walked through our parking lot and found six Obama bumper stickers on our employees' cars and have decided these folks will be the ones to let go. I can't think of a more fair way to approach this problem. They voted for change; I gave it to them.

I will see the rest of you at the annual company picnic

Written across the wall of the cave were the following symbols:



It was considered a unique find and the writings were said to be at least three thousand years old!


The piece of stone was removed, brought to the museum, and archaeologists from around the world came to study the ancient symbols. They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss the meaning of the markings.



The President of the society pointed to first drawing and said: 'This is a woman. We can see these people held women in high esteem. You can also tell they were intelligent, as the next symbol is a donkey, so they were smart enough to have animals to help them till the soil.
The next drawing is a shovel, which means they had tools to help them.'
 


Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish which means that if a famine hit the earth and food didn't grow, they would seek food from the sea. The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they were evidently Hebrews.



The audience applauded enthusiastically.

Then a little old Jewish man stood up In the back of the room and said, 'Idiots, Hebrew is read from right to left......

It says: 'Holy Mackerel, Dig The Ass On That Chick! 

   

LIZARD BIRTH....
 
 Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.

 Here's what happened:
 
Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell
me there was 'something wrong' with one of the
two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.
 
'He's just lying there looking sick,' he told me.
 'I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?'
 
I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face
and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little
lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed.
I immediately knew what to do.
 
'Honey,' I called, 'come look at the lizard!'
 
'Oh, my gosh!' my wife exclaimed.
'She's having babies.'
 
'What?' my son demanded. 'But their names
are Bert and Ernie, Mom!'
 
I was equally outraged.
 
'Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we
didn't want them to reproduce,' I said accusingly to my
wife.
 
'Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in
their cage?' she inquired (I think she actually said this
sarcastically) !
 
'No, but you were supposed to get two boys!' I
reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice,
while gritting my teeth).
 
'Yeah, Bert and Ernie!' my son agreed.
 
'Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some
guys, you know,' she informed me. (Again with the
sarcasm).
 
By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what
was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.
 
'Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience,' I
announced. 'We're about to witness the miracle of birth..'

'Oh, gross!' they shrieked.
 
'Well, isn't THAT just great? What are we
going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?'
my wife wanted to know.
 
We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what
looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a
scant second later.
 
'We don't appear to be making much
progress,' I noted.
 
'It's breech,' my wife whispered, horrified.
 
'Do something, Dad!' my son urged.
 
'Okay, okay.' Squeamishly, I reached in and
grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a
gentle tug. It disappeared.

I tried several more times with the same results.
 
'Should I call 911?' my eldest daughter wanted
to know
 
'Maybe they could talk us through the trauma.'
(You see a pattern here with the females in my house) ?
 
'Let's get Ernie to the vet,' I said grimly. We drove to the
vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.
 
'Breathe, Ernie, breathe,' he urged.
 
'I don't think lizards do Lamaze,' his mother noted to him.
(Women can be so cruel to=2 0their own young. I mean what
she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb.)
 
The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and
peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.
 
'What do you think, Doc, a C-section?' I suggested
scientifically.
 
'Oh, very interesting,' he murmured. 'Mr. and Mrs.
Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?'
 
I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.
 
'Is Ernie going to be okay?' my wife asked.
 
'Oh, perfectly,' the vet assured us. 'This lizard is not in
labor..
In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen. Ernie
is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally,
as they come into maturity, like most male species, they
um . . um . . masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back.'

He blushed, glancing at my wife.
 
We were silent, absorbing this.
 
'So, Ernie's just . just . . excited,' my  wife offered.
 
'Exactly,' the vet replied , relieved that we
understood.
 
More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to
giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.
 
'What's so funny?' I demanded, knowing,but not
believing that the woman I married would commit
the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.
 
Tears were now running down her face. 'It's
just that . . I'm picturing you pulling on its . . . its. .
teeny little . . '
She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once
more.
 
'That's enough,' I warned. We thanked the vet and
hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the
car.. He was glad everything was going to be okay.
 
'I know Ernie's really thankful for what you
did, Dad,' he told me.
 
'Oh, you have NO idea,' my wife agreed,
collapsing with laughter.
 
Two lizards: $140.
 
One cage: $50.
 
Trip to the vet: $30.
 
Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's
winkie:
 
Priceless!
 
Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class.
 
Lizards lay eggs!

   Fifty Years of Math 1959  - 2009  (in the USA )
 
Last week I purchased a burger at Burger King for $1.58. The counter girl
took my $2 and I was digging for my change when I pulled 8 cents from my
pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3
pennies, while looking at the screen on her register. I sensed her
discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters, but she
hailed the manager for help. While he tried to explain the transaction to
her, she stood there and cried. Why do I tell you this? Because of the
evolution in teaching math since the 1950s:

1. Teaching Math In 1950s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is
4/5 of the price. What is his profit ?

2. Teaching Math In 1960s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is
4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

3. Teaching Math In 1970s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is
$80. Did he make a profit?

4. Teaching Math In 1980s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is
$80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

5. Teaching Math In 1990s

A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and
inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the
preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of
$20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class
participation after answering the question: How did the birds and
squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong
answers, and if you feel like crying, it's ok. )
 

6. Teaching Math In 2009

Un hachero vende una carretada de maderapara $100. El costo de la
producciones es $80. Cuanto dinero ha hecho?

1. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards. NAIVE
2. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?
3. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?
4. OK... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs", what does that make the Tennessee Titans ?
5. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one enjoys it?
6. There are three religious truths:
1. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
2. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.
3. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters
7. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
8. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
9. Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack?
10. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
11. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
12. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
13. When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts" and you put your two cents in . . .what happens to the other penny?
14. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
15. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?
16. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
17. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?
18. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
19. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
20. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
21. "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?
22. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
23. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
24. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
25. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
26. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me . . they're cramming for their final exam.
27. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
28. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
29. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
30. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
31. No one ever says, "It's only a game" when their team is winning.
32. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
33. Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
34. If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
35. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

This comic strip makes me smile....
http://www.explosm.net/comics/1424/

English Lesson on Dangling Participles





On my 66th birthday, I got a gift certificate from my wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction. After being persuaded, I drove to the reservation, handed my ticket to the medicine man and wondered what would happen next.

The old man slowly, methodically produced a potion, handed it to me, and with a grip on my shoulder, warned, "This is powerful medicine and it must be respected. You take only a teaspoonful and then say '1-2-3.  'When you do that, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you want."

I was encouraged. As I walked away, I turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"  "Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'  he responded.  "But when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."

I was very eager to see if it worked so I went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited my wife to join me in the bedroom. When she came in, I took off my clothes and said, "1-2-3!"

Immediately, I was the manliest of men. My wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes. And then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition!

ONE COULD END UP WITH A DANGLING PARTICIPLE!!

Land of the free...