Jokes from my trashbin

1.  Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.
2.  Alfred Hitchcock didn't have a belly button.
3.  A pack-a-day smoker will lose approximately 2 teeth every 10 years.
4.  People do not get sick from cold weather; it's from being indoors a lot more.
5.  When you sneeze, all bodily functions stop, even your heart!
6.  Only 7 per cent of the population are lefties.
7.  Forty people are sent to the hospital for dog bites every minute.
8.  Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until they are 2-6 years old.
9.  The average person over 50 will have spent 5 years waiting in lines.
10.  The toothbrush was invented in 1498.
11.  The average housefly lives for one month.
12.  40,000 Americans are injured by toilets each year.
13.  A coat hanger is 44 inches long when straightened.
14.  The average computer user blinks 7 times a minute.
15.  Your feet are bigger in the afternoon than any other time of day.
16.  Most of us have eaten a spider in our sleep.
17.  The REAL reason ostriches stick their head in the sand is to search for water.
18.  The only two animals that can see behind themselves without turning their heads are the rabbit and the parrot.
19.  John Travolta turned down the starring roles in "An Officer and a Gentleman" and "Tootsie."
20.  Michael Jackson owns the rights to the South Carolina State anthem.
21.  In most television commercials advertising milk, a mixture of white paint and a little thinner is used in place of the milk.
22.  Prince Charles and Prince William NEVER travel on the same airplane, just in case there is a crash.
23.  The first Harley Davidson motorcycle built in 1903 used a tomato can for a carburetor.
24.  Most hospitals make money by selling the umbilical cords cut from women who give birth. They are used in vein transplant surgery.
25.  Humphrey Bogart was related to Princess Diana. They were 7th cousins.
26.  If coloring weren't added to Coca-Cola, it would be green.

State Slogans:

Alabama:
At Least We're not Mississippi

Alaska:
11,623 Eskimos Can't be Wrong!

Arizona:
But It's a Dry Heat

Arkansas:
Litterasy Ain't Everthing

California:
As Seen on TV

Colorado:
If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother

Connecticut:
Like Massachusetts, Only Dirtier and With Less Character

Delaware:
We Really Do Like the Chemicals in our Water

Florida:
Ask Us About Our Grandkids

Georgia:
Without Atlanta we're Alabama

Hawaii:
Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru
(Death to Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)

Idaho:
More Than Just Potatoes...
Well Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good

Illinois:
Please Don't Pronounce the "S"

Indiana:
2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free

Iowa:
We Do Amazing Things With Corn

Kansas:
First Of The Rectangle States

Kentucky:
Five Million People; Seven Last Names

Louisiana:
We're Not All Drunk Cajun Wackos,
But That's Our Tourism Campaign

Maine:
We're Really Cold,
But We Have Cheap Lobster

Maryland:
A Thinking Man's Delaware

Massachusetts:
Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's

Michigan:
First Line of Defense From the Canadians

Minnesota:
10,000 Lakes and 10,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes

Mississippi:
Come Feel Better About Your Own State

Missouri:
Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars at Work

Montana:
Land of the Big Sky, the Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies, and Very Little Else

Nebraska:
Ask About Our State Motto Contest

Nevada:
Whores and Poker!

New Hampshire:
Go Away and Leave Us Alone

New Jersey:
You Want a ##$%##! Motto?
I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!

New Mexico:
Lizards Make Excellent Pets

New York:
You Have the Right to Remain Silent, You Have the Right to an Attorney...

North Carolina:
Tobacco is a Vegetable

North Dakota:
We Really are One of the 50 States!

Ohio:
We Wish We Were In Michigan

Oklahoma:
Like the Play, only No Singing

Oregon:
Spotted Owl... It's What's For Dinner

Pennsylvania:
Cook With Coal

Rhode Island:
We're Not REALLY An Island

South Carolina:
We Have Never Actually Surrendered to the North

South Dakota:
Closer Than North Dakota

Tennessee:
The Educashun State

Texas:
A Whole 'Nother Country!

Utah:
Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus

Vermont:
Yep

Virginia:
Who Says Government Stiffs and Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?

Washington:
Help! We're Overrun By Nerds and Slackers!

Washington, D.C.:
Wanna Be Mayor?

West Virginia:
One Big Happy Family -- Really!

Wisconsin:
Come Cut Our Cheese

Wyoming:
Wynot?

 Synonyms to Drunk

- A couple of chapters into the novel

- Alcoholled

- Ambushed

- Annihilated

- A public mess

- A weeble (you know, they wobble but they don't fall down)

- Backwards

- Banged up on sauce (England)

- Bassackwards

- Beligerant

- Bent

- Besoffen (German)

- Besotted

- Bladdered

- Blitzed

- Blitzkrieged

- Blotto

- Blowin' a 2

- Bombarded

- Bombed

- Borracho (Spanish)

- Brahms (pissed cockney ryming slang east London)

- Broken

- Bullet (Tennessee)

- Butt wasted

- Buzzed

- Canceled

- Chemically imbalanced

- Comblasted

- Comblinded

- Cracked

- Cranked

- Crocked

- Cued up

- Derailed

- Down the creek

- Drita (Norwegian)

- Embalmed

- Fermented

- Floatin'

- Frayed

- Fubar

- Fucked up

- Fully kroizoned

- Furschnickered

- Gansado (Portuguese)

- Gone

- Gone Borneo

- Hammered

- Happy

- Has a package on

- Hummin'

- Humored

- Hurting a turtle

- Impaired

- In a ditch

- Inebriated

- Influenced

- In rare form

- Intoxicated

- Jazzed

- Jiggered

- Just south of bejesus

- Keilazarus (Holland)

- Keyed

- K.O.'d

- Lazarus (Holland)

- Leanin'

- Leaked

- Leg-less

- Licked

- Liquored up

- Lit

- Lit up

- Loaded

- Locked

- Logged (Canadian, eh)

- Looped

- Lubed up

- Lushed

- Marinated

- Mareado (Spanish)

- Messed up

- Mingin'(Scottish)

- Not so Farfrompuken

- Off of his trolley

- Off ya face (Australia)

- Off ya nut (Australia)

- Ossified

- Out of his tree (Australia)

- Out of it

- Pealaid (S. Louisiana)

- Pickled

- Pie eyed

- Pished out his face

- Pissed

- Pissed a newt

- Pissin'

- Plastered

- Plowed over

- Poegaai (South African)

- Poisoned

- Polluted

- Possessed

- Put one on

- Quaffed

- Rat-arsed (London)

- Redirected

- Reekin' (Scottish)

- Ripped

- Rocked

- Rooked

- Roped

- Saturated

- Sauced

- Schlonkered

- Schnockered

- Schtumphy

- Scuppered

- Screwed

- Seasoned

- Shellacked

- Shickered (Aussie)

- Shit faced

- Shithoused

- Silly

- Slambasted

- Slammed

- Slickered

- Slobbered

- Sloshed

- Sloppy

- Slozzled

- Smashed

- Smoked

- Smuckered

- Smurfed Up

- Snockered

- Soaked

- So lit you could read by him

- So wet he ripples

- Sodden

- Soused

- Spanked

- Squashed

- Squiffy

- Stewed

- Stoned

- Stooped

- Stupid

- Stupified

- Tanked

- Tatered

- Tepo (Spanish)

- Three sheets to the wind

- Throwed off

- Tied one on

- Tipped

- Tipsey

- Toasted

- Topped off

- To' up from the flo' up

- Toxic

- Tuned up

- Trashed

- Trounced

- Tweeked

- Under the influence

- Unsober

- Wasted

- Well oiled

- Wet

- Wicked retarded (Boston)

- Wobbly

- Wrecked

- Zipped

- Zonked

Bugs is on a fun sprea!!! 

Yep want everyone to be in as good a mood as i am

Yep want everyone to be in as good a mood as i am

Then pass the bottle you lush!

Good mood only happens from excessive drinking?

No.  But high spirits are often related to spiritous intake!!










....and the expression "Get Happy" = get drunk

Im at work so NO NO NO drinking....well that's what i tell the boss.

Cause stil asked sooooo nicely, THIS ROUND IS ON ME!!!!

Good mood only happens from excessive drinking?

There are other ways. Care to help out cheeks? 

 Chinese Proverbs
Some are a little bad taste....

1. Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.

2. Man who run in front of car get tired.

3. Man who run behind car get exhausted.

4. Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.

5. Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.

6. Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.

7. Man with one chopstick go hungry.

8. Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.

9. Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

10. Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.

11. Panties not best thing on earth but next to best thing on earth.

12. War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.

13. Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.

14. Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

15. It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.

16. Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.

17. Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

18. Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

19. Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

20. Man who fart in church sit in own pew.

21. Crowded elevator smell different to midget.

22. Man who drop watch in toilet have shitty time.

23. Man who finger girl having period get caught red handed.

24. Man trapped in pantry have ass in jam.

25. Man who go to bed with itchy butt wake up with smelly finger.

26. Learn to masturbate -- come in handy.

27. Man who buy drowned cat must pay for wet pussy.

28. It is good for girl to meet boy in park, but better for boy to park meat in girl.

29. Man who jizz in cash register come into money.

30. Woman who pounce on dead rooster go down on limp cock.

  Thanks Bugs. This one always makes me laugh. 

 

Stil, just from the thought you have that big smile from ear to ear on your face. Imagine what the actual way would do to you!!! I don't want you to have THAT permanent expression!!! 

It's a chance we should be willing to take.