Jokes from my trashbin

The Teacher asks young Johnny to spell King. "But Miss, there is no King" says Johnny.
"Just spell King" says the teacher. "Couldn't I just spell Queen, because we have one of those?"
"Johnny if you don't spell King, you will be given detention!"
"K.I.F.N.G." says Johnny.
"There is NO "F" in King Johnny" says the teacher.
"That's what I've been trying to tell you Miss!"

A wife is dreaming in bed
She suddenly wakes up and shouts
"Quick, my husband is home!"
Her husband wakes up, and jumps out the window...

During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized. "Well," said the director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," I said. " A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No," said the director. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window or over near the heater?"

During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized. "Well," said the director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," I said. " A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No," said the director. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window or over near the heater?"

Damn, I would have probably tried to drink it

A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it out at dinner one night. The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.

The son says, "I did some schoolwork."

The robot slaps the son.

The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies."

Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"

Son says, "Toy Story."

The robot slaps the son.

Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn."

Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was."

The robot slaps the father.

Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son."

The robot slaps the mother.



Robot for sale.

Wife has a dream, wakes up yelling "Oh my God, my husband;s home! Hide, quickly."

Husband wakes up, grabs his pants off the chair near the bed, and leaps out the window.

Two blokes are fishing together,enjoying the peace and tranquility, when suddenly one of the guys says: "I think I'm going to divorce my wife. She hasn't spoken to me in more than two months."
The other replies:" I wouldn't be too hasty. Women like that are hard to find!"

A long suffering country wife decided to see the fortune teller when she went to the local show. In a dark tent, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered some grave news. "There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt," she says. "Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year." Visibly shaken, the woman stared at the fortune teller, took a few deep breaths to compose herself and said: "I have to know.... will I be acquitted?"

After years of marriage, a woman calls her Lawyer and says "I want to divorce my husband".   "On what grounds?" asks the lawyer.
"Grounds?" she says. "We have two hectares on the river, a big lawn and some fruit trees."  The lawyer replies: "No, that's not what I meant. Do you have a grudge?"  "Yes, we have a two car garage but only one car, so we use the rest for storage."  Getting exasperated, the Lawyer says; "Does he beat you up?"   "No", she says, I'm up by 6.30am and sometimes he doesn't get up until after I've left for work."   The Lawyer yells down the phone line: "Why do you want a divorce?"  To which she replies: "We just can't seem to communicate".

If you’re struggling to think of what to get someone for Christmas. Get them a fridge and watch their face light up when they open it.

My son tells me that Ghandi said: It is only when a mosquito lands on your testicles that you realize that there is always a way to solve problems without violence.

My son tells me that Ghandi said: It is only when a mosquito lands on your testicles that you realize that there is always a way to solve problems without violence.

Nah, he's wrong. I'd have no problem kicking somebody in the balls to kill that mosquito   

Me too DD; we are having a mosquito plague here at the moment. Now for a joke which I hope won't offend the ladies.

Two mates were chatting."You know, I reckon I'm ready for a holiday, only this year I'm going to do it a little differently. The last few years, I took your advice on where to go. Two years ago, you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and my wife got pregnant. Last year you told me to go to the Bahamas. I went to the Bahamas and my wife got pregnant again." His mate asks;"So what are you going to do this year?" The reply: "This year, I'm taking my wife with me."

The CIA had an opening for an assassin.

After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were three finalists; two men and a woman.  For the final test,
the CIA agents took one of  the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

'We must know that you will follow your Instructions no matter what the circumstances.  Inside the room you find your wife sitting in a
chair... kill her!!!'

The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.' The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.'

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes.  The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.'

The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband.  She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.  After a few minutes, all was quiet.

The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow. 'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said, 'I had to kill the bastard with the chair!'