Jokes from my trashbin

(From the Edinburgh Festival via The Independent)

I was very naieve sexually. My first boyfriend asked me to do mssionary and I buggered off to Africa for 6 months. (Hayley Ellis)

Apparently the average price of a slave worldwide is less than the average price of an Ipod. Fair enough, but you try teaching your slave 12,000 songs. (Mark Nelson)

 What do we want? More research into a cure for ADHD. When do we want it? Let's play swingball. (Joe Lycett)

My girlfriend worries about me cheating on a night out, but I always try to reassure her and say to her; 'Why would I go out and have a burger when i have steak at home?' The only problem is, when you are drunk, burgers are well nice. (Rob Beckett)

I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting.

There is a new drink that is taking NYC by "storm".  It's called "The Sandy".  Like a Manhattan, only watered down

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.

Every word out of the bird’s’ mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.

John tried and tried to change the bird’s attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to ‘clean up’ the bird’s vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude.

John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.

For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.

Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that he’d hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John’s outstretched arms and said:


“I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I’m sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my despicable and unforgivable behavior.”

John was stunned at the change in the bird’s attitude.

As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very softly,….

“May I ask what the turkey did?”

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.

Every word out of the bird’s’ mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.

John tried and tried to change the bird’s attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to ‘clean up’ the bird’s vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude.

John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.

For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.

Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that he’d hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John’s outstretched arms and said:


“I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I’m sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my despicable and unforgivable behavior.”

John was stunned at the change in the bird’s attitude.

As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very softly,….

“May I ask what the turkey did?”

I've used that textbook before.

/Republicans wrote this joke.

Not necessarily. I've seen (a variation of) this joke before.  The earliest version (2003) that I can locate is http://www.mathdragon.net/letterboxing/Weapons_Math_Instruction_boxes/WMISeries.htm

The Obama bit seemed out of context tho, so....

 During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners,
asked her students the following question:

  'Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how
would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?'

  Michael said: 'Just a minute I have to go pee.'

  The teacher responded by saying:
  'That would be rude and impolite.

  What about you Sherman, how would you say it?'

  Sherman said:
  'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom.
  I'll be right back.'

  'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the
  word bathroom at the dinner table.

  And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your
good manners?'

  Johnny said:
  'I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a
  moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope
to introduce you to after dinner.'

A sexy young woman was sitting next to a guy in a plane. After a little while,she said to him: "Can you help me remove something from my breasts please?"  The excited young man replied, "Wow! it would be my pleasure - so what is it?" Her reply:
"Your eyes, moron!"

One I liked, from today's email:

An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they’d shared, where Andy had carved “I love you, Sally .”

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money-fifty thousand dollars! Andy said, “We’ve got to give it back.” Sally said, “Finders keepers.” She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.
 
The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door. “Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?” Sally said, “No”. Andy said, “She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic. Sally said, “Don’t believe him, he’s getting senile”

The agents turned to Andy and began to question him. One said: “Tell us the story from the beginning.” Andy said, “Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday ....” The first police officer turned to his partner and said, “We’re outta here!”

In honor of Groundhog day,

I was eating breakfast with my Granddaughter, whom, I must admit is a pretty smart kid.

I asked her; "What day is tomorrow?"

She answered; "It's President's day!"

I asked; "What does President's Day mean?"

I waited to see if she talked about Lincoln, or Washington...

She replied; "Presidents day is when President Obama steps out of the White House, and if he sees his shadow, we have four more years of Bullshit".

__________________________________________________________

You know, It HURTS when hot coffee spurts out your nose

 

The first man married a woman from Italy. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a woman from Poland. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table.
...
The third man married a girl from Ireland. He ordered her to keep the house clean, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he pees......