Jokes from my trashbin

Recently I was asked to play in a golf tournament.

At first I said Naaahhh!

Then they said to me "Come on, it's for handicapped and blind Kids."






Then I thought . . . Damn - I could win this!   

Recently I was asked to play in a golf tournament.

At first I said Naaahhh!

Then they said to me "Come on, it's for handicapped and blind Kids."


Then I thought . . . Damn - I could win this!   

Or at least come in somewhere in the top 5.

A guy walks into a bar and orders an Osama Bin Laden. "What's that?" asks the bartender to which he replies "Two shots and a splash of water" 

Politically Incorrect Humor
  
I came out of the store with two porterhouse steaks, jumbo sausages, 5 bags of chips, and a 6-pack of beer.  A homeless man sat there and said, "I haven't eaten for two days."  
I told him, "I wish I had your will power."


Tip: If you're camping this summer and the attractive girl in the next tent tells you that because it's so hot, she will be sleeping with her flaps open, it's not necessarily an invitation to casual sex.  
Wish me luck . . .  I appear in court next Monday.


A chubby girl served me food in McDonalds at lunch time.  
She said, "Sorry about the wait." (weight)
I said, "Don't worry honey, you're bound to lose it eventually."
Wish me luck . . .  I appear in court next Tuesday.


I was behind a rather large woman at the checkout.  She had on a pair of jeans that said, "Guess."
I said to her, "I don't know, maybe 350 pounds."
Wish me luck . . .  I appear in court next Wednesday.


Snow in the forecast!  The TV weather gal said she was expecting 8 inches tonight.
I told her, "Fat chance with a face like that!"
Wish me luck . . .  I appear in court next Thurday.


Years ago it was suggested 'That an apple a day kept the doctor away.'  
My doctor is Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works better.
Wish me luck . . .  I appear in court next Friday.

My neighbor knocked on my door at 2:30 am this morning, can you believe that 2:30 am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my bagpipes.



I sat on the train this morning opposite a stunning Thai girl. I kept thinking to myself, please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection...but she did.



I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on. I said "You're pulling my leg"



I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor - she only had $3.20 in her purse.



My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.



Went for my routine check up today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my arse! Do you think I should change dentists?



A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect? You're in a wheel chair.



I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said I would like to come back as a cow. I said you're obviously not fucking listening.



The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

 

Very funny Con, I'm going to use them. Except I didn't get the dentist joke

Very funny Con, I'm going to use them. Except I didn't get the dentist joke

Just a normal visit to the dentist for you, DD?

Like Joey's tailor from FRIENDS, you mean that's not the way they do it?

The Naked Cowboy
A Sheriff in a small town in Texas walks out in the street and sees a blond haired cowboy coming toward him with nothing on but his cowboy hat, his gun and his boots. He arrests him for indecent exposure.

As he is locking him up, he asks 'Why in the world are you walking around like this?'

The cowboy says, 'Well it's like this Sheriff....
 
I was in this bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home with her. So I did.   
 
We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt.... So I did.

Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants.... So I did.

Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts.... So I did.

Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, 'Now go to town cowboy. '

'And here I am.'

Son of a Gun. Blonde Men do exist.

Lesson 1

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.

Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'


After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'

'It was Bob the next door neighbor,' she replies.

'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'

Moral of the story:

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Lesson 2:

A priest offered a Nun a lift..

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest removed his hand But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129.
It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Lesson 3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'

'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
Puff! She's gone.

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'

Puff! He's gone.

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.. The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'

Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 4

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull.

'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:
Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..

Lesson 6

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out!

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who dumps on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of doo doo is your
friend.

(3) And when you're in deep doo doo, it's best to keep your mouth shut!


THUS ENDS THE six MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE

I went to the doctor's office the other day and found out that
my new doctor is a young female and drop-dead gorgeous!
I was embarrassed , but she said, "Don't worry, I'm a
professional - I've seen it all before."
Just tell me what's wrong and I'll "check it out."
I said. "My wife thinks my dick tastes funny."

I went to the doctor's office the other day and found out that
my new doctor is a young female and drop-dead gorgeous!
I was embarrassed , but she said, "Don't worry, I'm a
professional - I've seen it all before."
Just tell me what's wrong and I'll "check it out."
I said. "My wife thinks my dick tastes funny."

So wrong, but 

This is why our Health Insurance is so high?

Bubba had shingles. Those of us who spend much time in a doctor's office should appreciate this! Doesn't it seem more and more that physicians are running their practices like an assembly line? Here's what happened to Bubba:

Bubba walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Bubba said: 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

 Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Bubba to wait in the examining room.

A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, 'Shingles.' So the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Bubba to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.

An hour later the doctor came in and found Bubba sitting patiently in the nude and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, 'Shingles.' The doctor  asked, 'Where?'

Bubba said, 'Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload 'em?'