Jokes from my trashbin

http://www.ebaumsworld.com/pictures/view/80693957/

Very timely. This morning on the van to classes, some girls were discussing getting a tat. I sent them the pic, THANKS!

Or show them this one ...

Last month a world-wide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was:

"Could you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"
 

The survey was a massive failure because of the following:

1. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.

2. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.

3. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.

4. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.

5. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.

6. In Israel they didn't know what "please" meant.

7. In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

8. In the UK, Canada and Australia  they hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent

 

 

The Old Flame
 
I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend who this morning called 'out-of-the-blue' to see if I was still around.
 
We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used to enjoy together.

I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that "old magic".

"Wow!" I was flabbergasted.

"I don't know if I could keep pace with you now", I said, "I'm a bit older and a bit greyer and balder than when you last saw me. Plus I don't really have the energy I used to have."

She just giggled and said she was sure I would "rise to the challenge".

"Yeah." I said. "Just so long as you don't mind a waistline that's a few inches wider these days! Not to mention my total lack of muscle tone...everything is sagging, my teeth are a bit yellowed and I am developing jowls like a Great Dane!"

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly.

She teased me saying that tubby, grey haired, older men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a great lover.

Anyway, she giggled and said, "I've put on a few pounds myself!"




So I told her to fuck off.

for a second I thought I was in the "Why I love Chinese Girls" thread.

Wife to husband: You were so drunk at that office party - I was so embarrassed! I cannot believe you did that to your boss!
 
Husband: I don't care! Piss on him!
Wife: You did. He fired you!

Husband: Well, f#ck him, then!
Wife: I did, you're back at work on Monday!

     

First one I have really really laughed at in a long time.   

These two jokes depend on the delivery, but here they are anyway.

1) So, a baby seal walks into this club…


2) A priest, a lawyer, a Mexican and a gay walk into a bar. Bartenders says, "What is this, a joke?"

First one I have really really laughed at in a long time.  

What, you don't like mine    you hurt my feelings

Quote from: dragonsaver on March 24, 2011, 04:10:25 AM

First one I have really really laughed at in a long time.  

What, you don't like mine    you hurt my feelings

DS meant that it was the first joke she laughed at in a long time.  She and all the rest of us laugh at you all the time.

From email:

The recession has hit everybody really hard...

My neighbor got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
 
Wives are having sex with their husbands because they can't afford batteries.
 
CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
 
Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
 
A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced.
 
I saw a Mormon with only one wife.
 
If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.
 
McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
 
Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.
 
Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.
 
My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it, and they re-possessed her!
 
A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.
 
A picture is now only worth 200 words.
 
When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.
 
The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.
 
And, finally....
 
I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Pakistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.

What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhinoceros?













Elephino!

Mixed Emotions to that one, Con....my son is a survivor of paratesticular sarcoma.