Jokes from my trashbin

Saw that coming, but still funny

Hee hee!

"Wait a second.  There are two guys with her.  Hold on another moment and I think I can save you 2 grand."

Scam Targeting Older Men

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Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at the mall and in dark parking lots, etc. This is the first warning I have seen for men.

I wanted to pass it on in case you haven't heard about it.

A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular Lowe's or Home Depot customers. This one caught me by surprise.

Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping.
Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic.
Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking 20-something girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say, 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to McDonald's.

You agree and they get into the back seat. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet. I had my wallet stolen May 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th, & 29th. Also June 1st & 4th, twice on the 7th, 8th, 10th and 16th, three times last Monday and very likely again this upcoming weekend.

So tell your friends to be careful. What a horrible way to take advantage
of us older men. Warn your friends to be vigilant about this new
threatening scam to us geriatric types. .

Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each. I found cheaper ones for

$1.99 at Dollar General and the Dollar Store and bought them out. Also, you never will get to eat at McDonald's.

You are no help at all teleplayer. How can avoid these babes evil girls if you don't tell me where they are. I've been driving out all day searching in order to avoid them.

A while back, when I was considerably younger, I picked up my date at her parents’ home.

I’d scraped together enough money to take her to a very  nice restaurant. She ordered the most expensive items on the menu. Shrimp cocktail, Lobster, Champagne.

I asked her, “Does your mother feed you like that when you eat at home?”

“No,” she replied. “but my mother’s not expecting a blow job tonight.”

I said "enjoy"
 

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

Buddy is staggering home from a bar at 2 in the morning. Cops pull up and asks him where he is going.

"Every Saturday night I go to a lecture about all the terrible things involving alcohol" he slurs

They ask "At 2 in the morning? Who the hell gives that kind of lecture?"


MY WIFE!

http://dagobah.net/flash/PW_Boot_to_the_head.swf

This is so fricken funny. Cartoon.

...and I leave my entire estate to the people of calgary, so they can move someplace decent

Damn, I wish I had thought of that. OTOH, I'm still alive, so the entire population of calgary will have to wait until they can afford to move on their own.

Classic!  The Frantics' best sketch ever.

What I really want to say is "Thanks a lot," but I'll just end it with "A Boot to the Head!"

Proof that men have better friends...

Friendship among Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house.
The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship among Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house.
The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there.

The Old Flame
 
I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend who this morning called 'out-of-the-blue' to see if I was still around.
 
We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used to enjoy together.

I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that "old magic".

"Wow!" I was flabbergasted.

"I don't know if I could keep pace with you now", I said, "I'm a bit older and a bit greyer and balder than when you last saw me. Plus I don't really have the energy I used to have."

She just giggled and said she was sure I would "rise to the challenge".

"Yeah." I said. "Just so long as you don't mind a waistline that's a few inches wider these days! Not to mention my total lack of muscle tone...everything is sagging, my teeth are a bit yellowed and I am developing jowls like a Great Dane!"

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly.

She teased me saying that tubby, grey haired, older men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a great lover.

Anyway, she giggled and said, "I've put on a few pounds myself!"




So I told her to fuck off.

Heheheheh!! Many a true word spoken in jest!