Hockey

7. It lasts a full hour

Unless you're from Toronto. In which case, you're usually done like dinner in the first 5 minutes.

Dear Diary, I love Canada!

Aug: 12 Moved to our new home in Canada It’s so beautiful here. The grasslands and hills are so serene and picturesque. Can hardly wait to see them with snow covering them. God’s country . . .  I love it here.

Oct. 14 Canada is the most beautiful place on Earth. The leaves are turning all different colors. I love the shades of red, yellow, and orange. Went for a ride through some beautiful woodland forest and spotted some deer. They are so graceful. Certainly, they are the most beautiful animals on Earth. This must be Paradise. I love it here.

Nov. 11 Deer season will start soon. I can’t imagine anyone wanting to kill such an elegant creature. The very symbol of peace and tranquility. Hope it will snow soon. I love it here.

Dec. 2 It snowed all night. Woke up to find everything blanketed with white. It looked like a postcard. We went outside and cleaned the snow off the steps and shoveled the driveway. We had a snow ball fight (I won) and when the plow came by he plowed the snow back into our driveway. I shoveled the driveway again. What a beautiful place. Mother Nature in Perfect Harmony. I love Canada.

Dec. 12 More snow last night. I love it. The snowplow did his trick again (that rascal). A winter wonderland! I love it here.

Dec. 19 More snow last night. Couldn’t get out of the driveway to get to work this time. I am exhausted from too much shoveling. Friggin snowplow.

Dec. 22 More of the white shit fell last night. I’ve got blisters on my hands from shoveling. I think the snowplow driver hides around the corner and waits until I’m done shoveling the damn snow off this driveway. Asshole.

Dec. 25 “White Christmas”, my busted ass… More friggin snow. If I ever get my blistered hands on the son-of-a-bitch who drives that piece of shit snowplow, I swear I’ll castrate that bastard. Don’t know why they don’t use more salt on the roads to melt the friggin ice.

Dec. 29 More white last night. Been inside since Christmas Day except when shoveling out the driveway after Snowplow Harry comes. Can’t go anywhere. Car is buried in a mountain of White Shit. The weatherman says to expect another ten inches of the shit tonight. Do you know how many shovels of snow ten inches is?

Jan. 1 Happy Friggin New Year. The weatherman was wrong again. We got 34 inches of the white shit this time. At this rate, it won’t melt until the 4th of July. The snowplow got stuck up the road and the shithead driver had the balls to come to the door to borrow a shovel. After I told him that I’ve broken six shovels already shoveling the shit he pushes in my driveway, I broke my last shovel over his friggin head.

Jan. 4 Finally got out of the house today. Went to the store to get food and another shovel. On the way home a God-Damn deer ran out in front of the car, and I killed the bastard. Did about 3 grand damage to the car. Those friggin beasts should be slaughtered. Wish the hunters had killed them all in November.

May 3 Took the car to the garage in town. Would you believe the thing is rotting out from all the friggin salt they keep dumping on the road? Car looks like a shit box.

May 10 Moved to Texas. Can’t imagine why anyone in there friggin right mind would ever want to live in that God-forsaken country called Canada!

 

Yup, you just about nailed it, DD.

(DD, aren't you from Tranna? Where no one owns a shovel, they just declare an emergency and have the army dig everyone out?)

          

Well, kids, we're in the home stretch, and as I figured I'm in a footrace with my brother.

Some things to consider in these last weeks:

Maximum games. On your team page, scroll down; on the left there is box detailing the number of man-games you have played at each position (each slot in your roster can play 82 games), the number of games you have remaining, and whether you are ahead of or behind pace.

If the last number is green and says +[whatever], this is a good thing.  It means you will play all the games you've been allotted at this position, which is exactly what you want.  If that + number is high, though, consider the games you have remaining at that position: which player(s) do you want to tally those last games? Take your least productive guy and leave him on the bench.

If, however, that last number is red and says -[whatever], this is bad.  You won't tally all the games to which you're entitled!  Look at your roster and consider adding a player or 2 (or more) at that position, dumping players from + positions.  I'm +14 at left wing, so I dumped a LWer for another defenseman.

Categories.  This is a rotisserie league; our teams are ranked from 1st to 7th in 11 separate categories.  It's time to look at all the raw numbers: where are your close races?  Where are you likely to gain or fall?  I'm 2nd in goals; I'm never going to catch George, and nobody's going to catch me, so I don't give a shit about this category. 

My brother. Aren't you sick of him winning this pool?  He's made huge advances in the last month, NONE of it from me.  He's picking your pockets, kids, and you can get yours back if you play it smart.  Mao knows my brother will.

Yah I was unaware of this max games rule, so look for me to start dropping soon. I think I was plus 45 for center and plus 20 for right wing when I hit the max, so not getting many points these days.

I have lots of games left.  Trouble is my players don't want to do anything but lose.  They only play well after I drop them. 
 

I have lots of games left.  Trouble is my players don't want to do anything but lose.  They only play well after I drop them.  
 

So you're the owner of the Toronto Make Believes

you said it before I could, DD

God, he's right behind me! Get him off! GET HIM OFF!

Ok, it's all over, and the Conster has won! Well did, Connie. The Cowpunks came second by the hair of a dog, and the Gorgeous George managed to stay in third place. One day I must watch this bloody game.

Thanks, old bean. 

For those who might have missed it, here's a letter from my brother.

     Hey ,

You have just been sent the following note from Calgary Cowpunks (Capt. Cowpunk) in the Yahoo! Sports Fantasy Hockey league named China ad hocKey League (216298)...

Wow.

1 more PPP and Con and I would have tied. 1 PPP. 1 sleepy second assist from the blueline on a meaningless PPG and we'd be sharing the podium! 1 point or 100, it is all in the books now - Con is the 2009 Pool Champ!

Of course, there are many categories and many questions for managers to sort out for next year, but for now and for my money, that was a kick-ass pool!

This has been the best year yet, IMHO, with plenty of jockeying early on and then a thrilling end that wasn't decided until the final day of play... What more can one ask of a hockey pool?

Bragging rights are Con's for another year. He built up a massive lead for the bulk of the year, and held off the charge to bring home the trophy - Nice work.

Kudos to all for a year with plenty of trades, FA signings, and other intrigue. (The Crosby/Luongo swap was a blockbuster, and really shook thing up!)

Congrats to Wuhan for taking the 3rd place hardware, and pushing for more...

Lemons to Raoul for falling off and letting his team flounder unmanaged, but in all fairness he has been really busy doing... um, what is it that you do again, Raoul? ;]
Ed: Raoul completely forgot about the pool until it was half over.  )

(Ditto PS2Fandemonium - We hardly knew ye...)

Lemonade to George for once again competing so strongly for a spot in the top 3 without ever having seen a hockey game! Nice work!

Condolences to the Dragons, who I had picked for the top team based on the draft. Sometimes a great team on paper just doesn't show up on the ice until it is too late, and this is what happened to Dragon Saver. Next year, next year...

See you all next year!