Another Engagement :)

For the past several months I have been very entertained by the terrifying tales of wedding planning on this board. I'm happy (?) to say this is a path I also will be walking down soon. After an afternoon of biking around a forest park on the outskirts of Shanghai, my loving boyfriend proposed next to a small pond with surprisingly few people.

That was romantic and wonderful, but as I started talking to co-workers about their weddings they all seemed to have similar comments- it was miserable and if I didn't have to I wouldn't have had a celebration at all. When we suggested to my fiancé's parents doing something different from the giant dinner at some hotel his parents seemed very adamant we not do anything remotely out of the ordinary.

I remember kind of joking about how cool it would be to get married Chinese-style in the past (when it wasn't something I hadn't seriously considered as a possibility). You know, red qipao, carried on a sedan chair. But, the modern Chinese wedding seems totally unappealing- western elements without any of the meaning? a caravan of black cars that reminds me of a funeral procession? I feel like so many of these "traditions" simply show off how wealthy the couple is and seem like a waste of money to me (I recently read that the average wedding here in Shanghai costs a modest 160,000RMB).

So, even though I've been engaged about a week so far, I'm already feeling stressed out about this. I feel like this process will either be me smiling politely while his parents basically plan their dream wedding or attempting to go totally "bridezilla" on them which will likely fail anyway as his parents speak such heavily accented Mandarin we can barely communicate.

Any advice or experience my fellow saloonies have dealing with these issues would be greatly appreciated!

Congratulations!!!   

Even back home the whole wedding process/ceremony thing is scary - to a male anyway.

I think it is a bit like launching a ship - once it has started moving it cannot be stopped. In the end I think just having a plan and then going with the flow (making decisions on A or B as you go) is the best way ... and it works out ok .. . .for most people . . . most of the time.

Keeping it simple is the best way. What people want to add in is up to them - if you agree just make them responsible for that part so you do not have to worry about it.

 

Congrats and Condolences!

#1. Determine your budget.

I think I got in a little under 50k RMB, with the gold being 22k of that.  Strategic location of the hotel and restaurant let me avoid the whole funeral procession thing.

#2.  Who can you absolutely 100% rely on to assist who is local?  Her parents live in the next province, so them showing up was more of a hindrance (they are VERY nice, but I don't want my furniture rearranged now, thank you).  Some of my usual suspects were out of town, and it was only the very timely return of ScooterGirl who saved me from many last-minute disasters.

#3.  Who do you want to invite?  I could have kept mine a LOT smaller, but since the restaurant was reasonably priced, getting carried away with the guest list was affordable.  I preferred to have as many friends there as possible.  Others will want to keep it to 2-3 tables of close family and friends, but pay a LOT more for a very elegant restaurant.

#4.  There's no reason you can't have that red quipao.  My darling greeted guests in white, but then we changed into traditional red for the meal.


Hmmmnnnn. . . . new business idea.  Lunatic Wedding Planners

Congratulations! 

I feel like this process will either be me smiling politely while his parents basically plan their dream wedding or attempting to go totally "bridezilla" on them which will likely fail anyway as his parents speak such heavily accented Mandarin we can barely communicate.

Any advice or experience my fellow saloonies have dealing with these issues would be greatly appreciated!

Some years back I married a lass whose mother had significant domineering tendencies. Fine woman in several ways, but very much of the opinion that she knew exactly how things should be done and that is was her duty to ensure that they were done so, especially if her kids were involved. None of her kids found it easy to resist the absolute confidence of her opinions.

The bride's solution was to ask her buddy Sandra to plan the wedding. Sandra looks tiny and non-threatening and tends to be gentle and tactful, but she works as a management consultant and routinely deals with really high levels of government. She really knows how to get things done without getting people's backs up. Also, I think the black belt helps her confidence.

There was no visible conflict, and the wedding came off more-or-less exactly as the bride wanted.

One way of avoiding the horrors of planning could be suggesting that you want to get married in a remote area of China...or another country. That'll certainly make the wedding party smaller. Could also be more of an adventure.

When we suggested to my fiancé's parents doing something different from the giant dinner at some hotel his parents seemed very adamant we not do anything remotely out of the ordinary.

As harsh as it sounds this might be a good time to see how "yes sir, no sir, three bags full sir" he is. Chinese guys tend to be huge mommas boys and will bend to their parents every whim (in most cases) I've never had a close male Chinese friend that has ever told him parents to stick it, and Chinese women tend to have a hard time as daughters in law because seemingly their husbands hold their mothers in higher regard than themselves.

Fullricebowl - You don't sound happy.

Reading Escaped Lunatic's saga made me
a) Never want to marry a Chinese woman
b) Never want to marry
c) Start avoiding talking to women - just in case.

However, he clearly was happy, and it seems that he not only loves his wife and daughter, but also has a wee bit of a sweet spot for Chinese culture as a whole. (I'm not suggesting that you're any different).

But, marriages can be a bit of a nightmare even within a common culture. Now might a good time to break the news to his mother that you're not Chinese. She's bound to find out eventually.  . Maybe she thinks that you're just a very strange looking Chinese person.

Thanks for all the feedback guys!

China-matt: we have actually considered just that. His mother is actually from a tiny village in western China (where everyone in the village is somehow related). Beautiful mountains- and lots of land- things that are lacking here. The only issue is that I don't know any of those people- and on the off-chance some people I know might actually come I have a much better chance of them coming if it is in an easily accessible city. That said, it is for sure an option.

EL: My fiance is local- as in his whole father's side of the family is here. As trustworthy as these people may be.. I haven't been here long enough to build much of a network of my own. I'm also thrilled to hear you pull it off under 50k!

xwarrior: I think you make a good point about having a plan and not sweating the small stuff. If things follow a general plan that we've decided on, I think I can get through the rest.

Thanks again everyone!!

Congratulations! That's really awesome. Sorry to hear you're stressing though. I can only imagine. 

The day you're born, the day you graduate, and your wedding are days that are supposed to be all about you. Really though, it seems like it's for your family to have that moment to remember, check it off their list, and you kinda have to go along with it. 

 I've yet to approach the marriage situation yet, so maybe I'm not one to talk. That being said, it's your day and I hope it goes the way you want it to. Good luck, you have my best wishes! 

Congrats! 

rb, my husband and I did a village wedding and it was great. The village thing is also a big spectacle but it is a lot less about displaying wealth and more about the ceremony and the celebration. I think we spent less than 10kRMB on our wedding and brought in about as much in hong bao. I didn't have in-laws to contend with since my mother in law passed away about a year before I met my husband and my father in law was about 85 when we were married and we were lucky he was there but he didn't have any sort investment in how we did things. My sisters in law (my husband's brothers' wives) sort of took charge and made sure we invited the people we had to invite and had the food we needed to have, which made things easier for us since we didn't live in the village obviously and they were much more familiar with what was supposed to be done.

We also didn't want to exclude our local friends so we held a small two table dinner for our closest friends in Kunming. A lot of our good friends came to the village wedding anyhow but for the people who were unable to come the dinner was nice.

Honestly, I would just sit back and enjoy the ride. The wedding is one day, the important thing is that you're getting married, and that's (hopefully) something that will last the rest of your life. If you have any deal breakers or any traditions you want to incorporate, make sure you take those things into consideration, but try not to worry too much about it. Luckily since you're a foreigner you're not going to be expected to really take charge of the planning so you can kind of just let it happen.

 

Congratulations, frb! I hope you're happy, and wish all the best to you.

We have a pretty experienced crew here when it comes to getting married in China. Of course, Escaped Lunatic has just recently gotten married and will have a LOT to say about weddings and stuff.

No, really, he'll have a LOT to say about it. I keep a tranquilizer dart gun behind the bar; if you need me to use it just give me a high-sign.

I didn't mean that you should go that far out of the way for the wedding. I had mine in Urumqi...at a 5 star hotel. Our party was rather small. In all, I think the affair only cost us about 10K RMB (though we did have some help with discounts from my wife's friends).

Congratulations Fullricebowl to you and your husband to be. After reading EL's stories, I'd be terrified.

One big tip for saving money - go for a wedding lunch instead of a wedding dinner.  People usually eat a little less at lunchtime and most will drink a lot less (more than enough to compensate for any mid-day alcoholics).  There's also less competition for space in the restaurants at lunchtime, so you may be able to negotiate a better deal for a lunch than a dinner.  Set up the drinks at a bar to one side if possible.  That way you don't end up with one partially used bottle of baijiu per table.  Make sure your baijiu dealer takes returns on unopened cases.

Save a couple bottles for yourself.  After the wedding is over, you'll need to spend a few days drunk.

Congrats fullricebowl, (DON'T DO IT) and I hope it turns out great.
Since I was the matchmaker for my American friend and her Chinese husband (they were and are both good friends of mine) they had me involved in everything. I think they had revenge the biggest reason for this.

I went with them to photograph the registration. I recorded the "we are not related blahblahblah" part. Luckily for her, hubby is a strong willed yet peaceful man. And his parents are very modern, she's a published English teacher. It went smooth as silk for them. Even when I did my speaches (I was the host)