Jokes from my trashbin

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY!!

Womens' Sacrifices for men.

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner. I took out my wallet, got out $ 10 and asked, 'If I give you this  money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?'

'No, I had to stop drinking years ago', the homeless woman told me.
 
'Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?' I asked.
 
'No, I don't waste time shopping,' the homeless woman said. 'I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.'
 
'Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?' I asked.
 
'Are you NUTS !' replied the homeless woman. ' I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!'
 
'Well,' I said, 'I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight.'
 
The homeless Woman was shocked.

'Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.'
 
I said, 'That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine.'

CAKE OR BED

A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS, HONEY, COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY?, IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW.

HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY,
FIX THE LIGHTS NOW? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE ELECTRICIAN WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO.

FINE,

THEN THE WIFE ASKS,
WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT

TO WHICH HE REPLIED,
FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE WESTINGHOUSE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO

FINE, SHE SAYS
THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS TO THE FRONT DOOR? THEY ARE ABOUT TO BREAK

I'M NOT A CARPENTER AND I DON'T WANT TO FIX STEPS HE SAYS,
DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE ACE HARDWARE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO. I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU. I'M GOING TO THE BAR!!!!

SO HE GOES TO THE BAR AND DRINKS FOR A
COUPLE OF HOURS...............................

HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES TO GO HOME

AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES THAT THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED.

AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE , HE SEES THE HALL LIGHT IS WORKING

AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.

HONEY, HE ASKS, HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?

SHE SAID, WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT OUTSIDE AND CRIED.
JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM.

HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER
GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE.

HE SAID, SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE?

SHE REPLIED,

HELLOOOOO..
DO YOU SEE SARA LEE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO!

George, You're looking younger these days.

SMART ASS ANSWER #6
It was mealtime during a flight on American Airlines. 'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked John, seated in front. 'What are my choices?' John asked. 'Yes or no,' she replied.

SMART ASS ANSWER #5
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub.'

SMART ASS ANSWER #4
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, 'Do these turkeys get any bigger?' The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead.'

SMART ASS ANSWER #3
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. 'I've been waiting for you all day,' the cop said. The kid replied, 'Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.' When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket

SMART ASS ANSWER #2
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway.
A sign comes up that reads, 'Low Bridge Ahead'.

Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?' The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas.'

SMART ASS ANSWER #1

A couple goes into a restaurant and when the waitress approaches them to take their order the husband asks “What is the soup of the day? The waitress says “I don’t know, do you want me to go find out?” He says “No…why don’t you sit down here and I will go find out?”



SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2007:

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'

A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?' The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering.
When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'

Ten Thoughts to Ponder

Number 10
Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 9
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Number 8
Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see me without an erection, make me a sandwich.

Number 7
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day, teach a person to use the internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

Number 6
Some people are like a Slinky . Not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.

Number 5
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Number 4
All of us could take a lesson from the weather; it pays no attention to Criticism.

Number 3
Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200.00 and a substantial tax cut saves you $30.00?

Number 2
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is Weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

And The Number 1 Thought
We know exactly where one cow with Mad-cow-disease is located among millions and millions of cows in America but we haven't got a clue as to where millions of illegal immigrants and terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of Immigration.

Drinks that Show Personality

Before you order a drink in public, you should read this! Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could 'nail' a woman's personality based on what she drinks. Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts. The results:

PART A: WOMEN-DRINKS, WHO THEY ARE, & YOU!

Drink: Beer
Personality: Causal, low-maintenance; down to earth.
Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.

Drink: Blender Drinks
Personality: Flaky, whiny, annoying; a pain in the ass.
Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabana boy.

Drink: Mixed Drinks
Personality: Older, more refined, high maintenance, has very picky taste; knows EXACTLY what she wants.
Your Approach: You won't have to approach her. If she's interested, she'll send YOU a drink..................

Drink: Wine ( does not include White Zinfandel)
Personality: Conservative and classy; sophisticated yet giggles.
Your Approach: Tell her you love to travel and spend quiet evenings with my friends.



 

Drink: White Zinfandel
Personality: Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated, actually, she has NO clue.
Your Approach: Make her feel smarter than she is...this should be an easy target.



 

Drink: Shots
Personality: Likes to hang with pals and looking to get
totally drunk... and naked.
Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. You have been blessed. Nothing to do but wait, however, be careful not to make her mad!

Drink: Tequila
No explanations required - everyone just KNOWS what happens there.

PART B: MAN-DRINKS & WHO THE MEN ARE!   
THEN, there is the MALE addendum -- The deal with guys is, as always, very simple and clear cut:

Domestic Beer: He's poor and wants to get laid.



Imported Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid

Wine:
He is hoping that the wine will give him a sophisticated
image to help him get laid.



 

Whiskey: He doesn't give a damn about anything but getting laid.



Tequila: He is thinking he has a chance with the toothless waitress.

White Zinfandel: He's gay!

Number 8
Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see me without an erection, make me a sandwich.

I bellowed laughing.  Fellow netbarflies are now nervous.

Some of you may find providing one of these to School owners handy.

Following the problems in the sub-prime lending market in America uncertainty has now hit Japan, in the last 7 days: Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up, Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut some of its branches, Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song, Shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived, 500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop, and analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank where it is feared that clients and staff may get a raw deal.

 

Don't worry George, I invested all of my Japanese money in stock - mostly chickens, a few pigs and cows too.

A blonde and a redhead met in a bar after work for a drink,
and were watching the 6 o'clock news. A man was shown
threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge. The blonde bet
the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump, and the redhead
replied, "I'll take that bet!"

Anyway, sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the
redhead the $50 she owed. The redhead said, "I can't take
this, you're my friend."

The blonde said "No. A bet's a bet."

So the redhead said "Listen, I have to admit, I saw this
earlier on the 5 o'clock news, so I can't take your money."

The blonde replied "Well, so did I, but I never thought
he'd jump again!"

A blonde and a redhead met in a bar after work for a drink,
and were watching the 6 o'clock news. A man was shown
threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge. The blonde bet
the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump, and the redhead
replied, "I'll take that bet!"

Anyway, sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the
redhead the $50 she owed. The redhead said, "I can't take
this, you're my friend."

The blonde said "No. A bet's a bet."

So the redhead said "Listen, I have to admit, I saw this
earlier on the 5 o'clock news, so I can't take your money."

The blonde replied "Well, so did I, but I never thought
he'd jump again!"

 

A man's working in a job centre when all of a sudden the door opens and in walks a dog, unaccompanied.  'That's a bit odd', the man thinks to himself. 

The dog strides confidently up to the counter and says "AFternoon, mate, I'm looking for a job."

The man is stunned.  'Wow, a talking dog,' he says to himself.

"Yes, I'm sure we can help you there.  Give me one minute."

He walks to the phone and calls the circus.

"Hey, is that the circus?"
"Yes"
"We have a talking dog in the job centre."
"Great - send him in first thing on Monday morning."

The man goes back to the dog and says

"Well, I've got just the ticket for you.  It's starting on Monday at the circus."
"That's great!" the dog says, and is about to turn and walk out, when he suddenly thinks of something. "Hang on - what kind of job is this?"
"You're going to be the Talking Dog."
"Oh - sorry - that's no use to me, mate.  I'm a plumber!"

Warning, this one is dirty.

In the days of the old sailing ships, a young man decides he needs some adventure and joins the navy.  After one month on at sea he realizes that not only is he horny, but it will be months before he sees a woman again!

The young man (now a young sailor) starts talking with a couple of the old salts and asks their advice.

One old salt says, "Whenever one of us gets too horny, we just put our dicks in that old apple barrel over yonder.  Works like a charm!"  The young sailor is completely disgusted at the thought of this and takes a pass.

Another 2 months go by and the young sailor is now really horny.  He locates the old salt and says "Man, I'm really losing it!  I've got to get some pussy.  What was your solution again?"

The old salt says, "Just put your dick in that old apple barrel over yonder."  The young sailor decides he has nothing to lose.  He walks over to the apple barrel, finds a hole in the side, slips his dick in, and gets immediate satisfaction.

He walks back over to the old salt and says, "Whew, I am relieved!  Thank you!  When can I do that again?"  The old salt pauses to think and says, "You can use the apple barrel on Sunday, Monday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, and Saturday."

The young sailor asks, "Why the hell can't I use it on Tuesday?"

The old salt replies, "That's your turn in the barrel!"