Jokes from my trashbin

She's in Wellington , NZ.  Last I heard she was going to start a uni job early in the New Year.  I haven't heard from her in a long time, I miss her.  I miss having a girlfriend nearby.  Luckily I have just returned from 'chick time' in Dalian and have restocked my cupboard with loads of goodies.  And I had my first experience at Metro.  The kitchen and hardware sections were amazing.  Without the musak (and it was not 'blow your eardrums loud) I could have been shopping back home.

DS, as always, was a wonderful hostess and sent me home well fed, well shopped and content.

Did you ever stop and wonder......

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I’ll squeeze these pink dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there... I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its bum."

Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their bum when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why does a Obstetrician, Gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Stop singing and read on……. Yes, it caught me too!

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

and silly me, I've only been drinking the stuff!

Drinking the stuff while eating unknown food kills bugs as well.  Keep it up.

Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

And "BaaBaa, Black Sheep", too!

# Abstinence Makes the Church Grow Fondlers

# Honk If Your Religious Beliefs Make You An Asshole

# Intelligent Design Makes My Monkey Cry

# Too Stupid to Understand Science? Try Religion.

# There's A REASON Why Atheists Don't Fly Planes Into Buildings

# "Worship Me or I Will Torture You Forever. Have a Nice Day."­ God.

# God Doesn't Kill People. People Who Believe in God Kill People.

# If There is No God, Then What Makes the Next Kleenex Pop Up?

# He's Dead.

It's Been 2,000 years.
He's Not Coming Back.
Get OVER It Already!

# All religion is simply evolved out of fraud, fear, greed, imagination, and poetry. Edgar Allen Poe.

# Viva La Evolución!

# Actually, If You Look It Up, The Winter Solstice Is The Reason For The Season

# I Wouldn't Trust Your God Even If He Did Exist

# Cheeses Is Lard. Argue With THAT If You Can.

# People Who Don't Want Their Beliefs Laughed at Shouldn't Have Such Funny Beliefs

# Jesus is Coming? Don't Swallow That.

# Threatening Children With Hell Is FUN!

# GOD - APPLY DIRECTLY TO FOREHEAD!

# Jesus Told Me Republicans SUCK

# God + Whacky Tobacky = Platypus

# God Doesn't Exist. So, I Guess That Means No One Loves You.

# When the Rapture Comes, We'll Get Our Country Back!

# Q. How Do We Know the Holy Ghost Was Catholic?
A. He Used the Rhythm Method Instead of a Condom.

# You Say "Heretic" Like It Was a BAD Thing

# I Love Christians. They Taste Like Chicken.

# Science: It Works, Bitches.

# "Intelligent Design" Helping Stupid People Feel Smart Since 1987

# I Found God Between The Sheets

# I Gave Up Superstitious Mumbo Jumbo For Lent

# My Flying Monkey Can Beat Up Your Guardian Angel

# Every Time You Play With Yourself, God Kills a Kitten

# If God Wanted People to Believe in Him, Then Why Did He Invent Logic?

# Praying Is Politically Correct Schizophrenia

# ALL Americans Are African Americans

# I Forget - Which Day Did God Make All The Fossils?

# I Was An Atheist Until The Hindus Convinced Me That I Was God

# The Spanish Inquisition: The Original Faith-based Initiative

# If we were made in his image, when why aren't humans invisible too?

# JESUS SAVES....You From Thinking For Yourself

# How Can You Disbelieve in Evolution If You Can't Even Define It?

# Q. How Can You Tell That Your God is Man-made?

A. If He Hates All the Same People You Do.

# Every Time You See a Rainbow, God is Having Gay Sex

# I Went to Public School in Kansas and All I Got Was This Lousy T-shirt and a Poor Understanding of the Scientific Method.

# WWJD = We Won. Jesus Died.

# The Family That Prays Together is Brainwashing the Children

# Oh, Look, Honey Another Pro-lifer For War

# Another Godless Atheist for Peace and World Harmony

# God is Unavailable Right Now. Can I Help You?

# When Lip Service to Some Mysterious Deity Permits Bestiality on
Wednesday and Absolution on Sundays, Cash Me Out. Frank Sinatra.

# No Gods. No Mullets.

" When the Rapture Comes, We'll Get Our Country Back!" made me laugh out loud.  And heck,I believe in God.

But you forgot "God is just an imaginary friend for grownups."

For you, Missi, I AM the higher being. 

<But then, compared to her, EVERYONE is a higher being. -R>

A gentleman who owns a farm for stud horses gets a call from a friend. "I know this midget who wishes to buy a horse. He has a slight speech impediment, so listen carefully, I'm sending him over."

The Midget arrives, and the owner asks if he wants a male or female horse.

"A female horth," the midget replies. So the owner giggles and shows him one. "Nith looking horth, can I thee her thmouth?"

So the owner picks up the midget and shows him the horse's mouth while laughing.

"Nith thmouth, can I thee her eyesth?" So the owner is getting a little perturbed as he picks up the midget and shows the eyes. "OK, what about the earsth?"

Now the owner is getting pissed, but he picks up the midget one more time and shows the ears.

"OK, finally, I'd like to thee her twat." With that, the owner picks up the midget and shoves his head up the horse's back end, then pulls him out.

Shuddering and shaking his head, the midget says, "Perhapth I should rephrase. I'd like to thee her run!"
 

 

Wine vs water

 As Ben Franklin said: In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria.

In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 litre of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) - b acteria found in faeces In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.

However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine &beer (or tequila, rum,
whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember: Water = Poop, Wine = Health

Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of shit.

One day, during a lesson on grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands for those who could use the word 'beautiful' in the same sentence twice.

First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."

"Very nice, Suzie," replied the teacher.

She then called on little Michael. "My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully," he said.

"Excellent, Michael!" Then, the teacher called on Little Rotten Johnny.

"Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, 'Beautiful, just fucking beautiful!'

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years.

 Upon her return, her father barked at her, "Where have ye been all
 this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye
 call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer poor, poor dear Mother
 through?

 The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff....Dad....I became a
 prostitute...."

 "Ye what!!?  Out of here, ye shameless harlot!  Sinner!  You're a
 disgrace to this Catholic family."

 "OK, Dad-- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur
 coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a  €5 million savings certificate. 
 For me little brother, this gold
 Rolex.  And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes Limited Edition
 convertible that's parked outside, plus a membership to the country
 club....(takes a  breath).... and an invitation for ye all to spend
 New Years Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera and... ."

 "Now what was it ye said ye had become?" said Dad.

 Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff....a prostitute, Dad! Sniff, sniff."

 "Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a
 Protestant'.  Come here and give yer old Dad a hug!"

Irene's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman.  Since she had to go across to the shops the next day, Irene told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the bench, and I'll mail you a cheque."

"Oh, by the way don't worry about our dog Rosie. She won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to Freckles, my parrot!" "I REPEAT; DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"

When the repairman arrived at Irene's address the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking dog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.

Freckles, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain  himself any longer and yelled,

"Shut up, Freckles you stupid, ugly bird!"

To which Freckles replied, "Get him, Rosie!"

Hello, I am new to China and this forum and have a joke you may like.

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman
sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his
courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively,
"Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"

She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I
won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now
staring at them.

Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed
and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and
apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I
embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in
psychology and I'm studying how people respond to
embarrassing situations."

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do
you mean $200?"