Jokes from my trashbin

The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."

35 Predictions from 50’s
 
1.“I’ll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, its’ going to be impossible to buy a weeks groceries for $20.”
2. “Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won’t be long when $5000 will only buy a used one.”
3. “If cigarettes keep going up in price, I’m going to quit. A quarter a pack is ridiculous.”
4. “Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging a dime just to mail a letter?”
5. “The Government is wanting to get its hands on everything. Pretty soon it’s going to be impossible to run a family business or farm.”
6. “If they raise the minimum wage to $1, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store.”
7. “When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 50 cents a gallon. Guess we’d be better off leaving the car in the garage.”
8. “Kids today are impossible. Those duck tail hair cuts make it impossible to stay groomed. Next thing you know, boys will be wearing their hair as long as the girls.”
9. “Also, their music drives me wild. This ‘Rock Around The Clock’ thing is nothing but racket.”
10. “I’m afraid to send my kids to the movies any more. Ever since they let Clark Gable get by with saying ‘damn’ in ‘Gone With The Wind,’ it seems every movie has a ‘hell’ or a ‘damn’ in it.”
11. “Also, it won’t be long until couples are sleeping in the same bed in the movies. What is this world coming to?”
12. “Marilyn Monroe is now showing her bra and panties, so apparently there are no standards anymore.”
13. “Pretty soon you won’t be able to buy a good 10 cent cigar.”
14. “I read the other day where some scientist thinks it’s possible to put a man on the moon by the end of the of the century.They even have some fellows they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas.”
15. “Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $75,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn’t surprise me if someday they’ll be making more than the president.”
16. “Do you suppose television will ever reach our part of the country?”
17. “I never thought I’d see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric. They are even making electric typewriters now.”
18. “It’s too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few married women are having to work to make ends meet.”
19. “It won’t be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone to watch their kids so they can both work.”
20. “Marriage doesn’t mean a thing any more, those Hollywood stars seem to be getting divorced at the drop of a hat.”
21. “I’ll tell you one thing. If my kid ever talks back to me, they won’t be able to sit down for a week.”
22. “Did you know the new church in town is allowing women to wear slacks to their service?”
23. “Next thing you know is, the government will start paying us not to grow crops.”
24. “I’m just afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole lot of foreign business.”
25. “Thank goodness I won’t live to see the day when the Government takes half our income in taxes. I sometimes wonder if we are electing the best people to congress.”
26. “Why in the world would you want to send your daughter to college? Isn’t she going to get married? It would be different if she could be a doctor or a lawyer.”
27. “I just hate to see the young people smoking. As I tell my kids ‘Don’t take a cigarette from ANYONE. You never know what might be in it.'”
28. “The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather, but I seriously doubt they will ever catch on.”
29. “There is no sense going to Lincoln or Omaha anymore for a weekend It costs nearly $15 a night to stay in a hotel.”
30. “No one can afford to be sick any more, $35 a day in the hospital is too rich for my blood.”
31. “If a few idiots want to risk their necks flying across the country that’s fine, but nothing will ever replace trains.”
32. “I don’t know about you but if they raise the price of coffee to 15 cents, I’ll just have to drink mine at home.”
33. “If they think I’ll pay 50 cents for a hair cut, forget it. I’ll have my wife learn to cut hair.”
34. “We won’t be going out much any more. Our baby sitter informed us she wants 50 cents an hour. Kids think money grows on trees.”
35. “Cars which dim their lights by sensors, automatic transmissions, and who knows what else? Pretty soon they will drive themselves.”

A 5-year-old boy visited his grandmother one day.

Playing with his toys in her bedroom while Grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, “Grandma, how come you don’t have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?”

Grandma replied, “Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I’m happy with my TV as my boyfriend.”

Grandma later turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus.

Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.

The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandma’s minister.

The minister said, “Hello son, is your grandma home?”

The little boy replied, “Yeah, she’s in the bedroom banging her boyfriend.”

The minister fainted.

LMAO!

It's almost a shame that technology makes trying to adjust a TV to get a signal virtually obsolete.  I was explaining the lyrics to Dean Friedman's Ariel to a Chinese friend.  I had to explain what vertical hold was as well as how bombs bursting in air was in reference to playing the national anthem during the daily signoff, and then had to explain how back in the stone age, TV stations didn't broadcast 24 hours a day.

Back in the days of the Vikings, one well-known, auburn-headed fellow, Rudolph (nicknamed The Red) stood beside his front window.  He was looking out to determine the weather conditions.  Satisfied, he turned and told his wife, "It's going to rain soon."
"How do you know, husband?"
"Because Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."

Wife texts husband on a cold winter morning: "Windows frozen, won't open."

Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and then gently tap edges with hammer." Hamered him


Wife texts back 10 minutes later: "Computer really messed up now."

An old geezer became very bored in retirement and decided to open a medical clinic. He put a sign up outside that said, “Dr Geezer's Clinic. Get your treatment for $500, and if not cured, get $1000 back.”

Dr Young, who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1000. So he went to Dr Geezer's clinic.

This is what happened:

Dr Young:  “Dr Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth.  Can you please help me?”


Dr Geezer: “Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22, and put three drops in Dr Young's mouth.”

Dr Young:  “Aaargh! This is gasoline!”

Dr Geezer: “Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500.”

Dr Young gets annoyed and, after devising a scheme to recover his lost money, goes back after a few days.

Dr Young: “I have lost my memory; I cannot remember anything.”

Dr Geezer: “Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put three drops in the patient's mouth.”

Dr Young:  “Oh, no you don't! That's gasoline!”

Dr Geezer: “Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500.”

Dr Young (now having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.

Dr Young: “My eyesight has become weak. I can hardly see anything!”

Dr Geezer: “Well, I don't have any medicine for that so, here’s your $1000 back (giving him a $10 bill).

Dr Young: “But this is only $10!”

Dr Geezer: “Congratulations! You got your vision back!  That will be $500.”

Moral of story? Just because you're ‘young’ doesn't mean that you can outsmart an old geezer!

After nearly 50 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband, begin to massage her in ways he hadn't in quite some time. It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down, stopping just over her stomach. He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, working down her side, passing gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.

As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, ‘Honey that was wonderful. Why did you stop?' To which he responded: 'I found the remote.'...

After nearly 50 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband, begin to massage her in ways he hadn't in quite some time. It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down, stopping just over her stomach. He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, working down her side, passing gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.

As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, ‘Honey that was wonderful. Why did you stop?' To which he responded: 'I found the remote.'...

I told/did this joke to my lovely wife last night.

I'd like to have seen that EL! By the way, did she like it? ...... (the joke I mean).

She actually thought it was pretty funny.

A pervert, a conman and a Fascist walk into a bar.










The bartender asks, "What'll you have, Mr. President-Elect?"

You can say these 15 things only over the Christmas period – so take advantage and have a little giggle, won’t you. Laughter, after all, is the best medicine.

Fifteen things you can get away with saying over Christmas:

    I prefer breasts to legs.
    Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
    Smother the butter all over the breasts.
    I've never seen a better spread!
    I fancy a little dark meat for a change.
    It's a little dry – do you still want to eat it?
    Don't play with your meat!
    Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go.
    Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
    How long will it take after you put it in?
    You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
    Just pull the end and wait for the bang.
    That's the biggest bird I've ever had!
    I'm so full! I've been gobbling nuts all morning.
    Wow, I didn't think I could handle all that and still want more!



 

Each year The Washington Post holds a neologism contest, where contestants are asked to make up new meanings for common words. The results are in – and they’re hilarious.

1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.


4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.

6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.

7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle (n.), gross olive-flavoured mouthwash.

9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

12. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.

13. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

14. Frisbeetarianism (n.) (back by popular demand), the belief that when you die, your soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

Bruce's grandfather goes into a chemist to buy some Viagra.

“Can I have six tablets, cut in quarters? he asked”

“I can cut them for you,” said the chemist. “But a quarter tablet will not give you a full erection.”


“I am 96-years-old,” said the old man. “I don't want an erection, I just want it sticking out far enough so I don’t pee on my slippers.”