Jokes from my trashbin

I read some of the jokes here and pretty much laughed for 10 minutes straight at work. Please keep this going!!!!

I wish i had jokes I could share but mine are all very very dirty and/or racist (against all races, including my own).

I read some of the jokes here and pretty much laughed for 10 minutes straight at work. Please keep this going!!!!

I wish i had jokes I could share but mine are all very very dirty and/or racist (against all races, including my own).

And that's a problem because???

Two potatoes were standing on the street corner.  Which one was the prostitute?










The one wearing a sticker that read, "IDAHO" 

And now ... for your Christmas entertainment ~


Q: What goes oh, oh, oh?
A: Santa Claus walking backwards!

Q: How do you know Santa Claus is good at karate?
A: He has a black belt!

Q:  What’s black, white and red all over?
A: Santa Claus after he comes down the chimney!

Q: What did Mrs. Claus say to Santa Claus when she looked up in the sky?
A: Looks like rain, dear!

Q: Why does Santa Claus like to work in the garden?
A: Because he likes to hoe, hoe, hoe!

Q: Which one of Santa’s reindeer has bad manners?
A: Rude-alph!

Q What is a monkey’s favorite Christmas carol?
A: Jungle Bells!

Q: What do elves learn at school?
A: The elf-abet!

Q: What kinds of bug hates Christmas?
A: A humbug!

Q: What did the reindeer say to the elf?
A: Nothing silly, reindeer can’t talk!

Q: What comes at the end of Christmas Day?
A: A Y!

Q: What did the mouse give the other mouse for Christmas?
A: A Christ-mouse card!

Q: Where did the mistletoe go to become famous?
A: Holly-wood

Q: What did the Christmas tree say to the ornament?
A: Did you get tired of hanging around!

Q: What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
A: Frosted Flakes!

Q: Where does a snowman keep his money?
A: In a snow bank!

Q: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
A: Frostbite!

Q: What do you have in December that you don’t have in any other month?
A: The letter D!

Thanks AMonk! I'll try to remember some of those to pass around at "the den" today.

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead flew to Las Vegas for a bachelorette party.  They all checked in together and agreed to meet in the hotel bar after dropping off their luggage in their rooms.

The brunette and redhead just ordered their 3rd round of drinks when the redhead decided to give the blonde a call to see what was keeping her.

"Thank goodness you called!  I'm trapped inside the room."

"Trapped?  What do you mean?"

"There are only 3 doors.  I can't find the door to the hallway."

"Check the doors again and tell me about each one."

"The first goes to the closet.  The second goes to the bathroom.  The third has a Do Not Disturb sign hanging on it."

Following a New Years Eve session at the local pub, a bloke decided that he should leave his car at the pub, and take the long walk home. As he staggered down the road, he was stopped by a Policeman. "What are you doing out here wandering around at four o'clock in the morning?" the officer asked.  "I'm on my way to a lecture," the bloke replied.   "No one in their right mind would be giving a lecture at this time of the morning," the Policeman said sarcastically. The bloke replied: "I agree, but you don't know my wife".

A new bride goes into the Chemist and hands over a repeat prescription for sleeping pills. "I don't know what I would do without them," she tells the Pharmacist. "I would never get any sleep." "Be careful that you don't take too many," cautioned the Pharmacist. "Me?" says the bride. "Oh I never use them. I give them to my husband."

A young bloke excitedly tells his mum that he's found the girl he is going to marry. He tells her, that just for fun, he will bring over three girls and see if she can guess which girl he has chosen. The mother agrees. The next day he brings three women into the house and sits then down in the lounge room with his mother and leaves them to chat. When he finally returns, the son says "Okay Mum, can you guess which one I want to marry"? She immediately replies; "The one on the right."  "That's amazing Mum. You're right. How did you know?"
The mother replies; "I don't like her!"

I need to test this out the next time my daughter finds a new BF.

An old lady gets on a bus and is sitting near two guys with thick accents. She can't help hearing the guy's conversation.  "Deanne comes first. Then I come, by two asses. Next, I come again with the two asses. Then I come and pee twice. In the end, I come all alone." The old girl (no EL it wasn't me) is horrified!  "Young man, this is a public bus and I am a dignified lady. I have no interest in hearing the filth you are speaking; would you please be quiet."
One of the guys responds; "Lady I'll try to keep it down, but it's actually filthy to spell Mississippi?"

A young Kindergarten pupil told his teacher that he had found a cat, but it was dead.  "How do you know it was dead?" asked the teacher. "I pissed in it's ear and it didn't move" answered the child innocently.  "You did WHAT?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise. "You know", explained the boy. "I leaned over it's ear and went Pssst! and it didn't move!".

A young Kindergarten pupil told his teacher that he had found a cat, but it was dead.  "How do you know it was dead?" asked the teacher. "I pissed in it's ear and it didn't move" answered the child innocently.  "You did WHAT?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise. "You know", explained the boy. "I leaned over it's ear and went Pssst! and it didn't move!".

Damn near busted a rib with that one.
Thank you granny.

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.
And she was somewhat upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!'
And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love so at least I can tell you what happened.' 'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'
And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift.
She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.
I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.
So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight.. The poor thing devoured them in moments.
Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.
Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight.
I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.
I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'
The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said,
'Please ... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?

An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"

The boy thought it over and said;"Well I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until Saint Peter says, "For Heavens sake Dylan, come in or stay out!"