Jokes from my trashbin

...

Is that the one with the world's funniest joke, a joke so funny people died when they read it? Shouldn't your post come with a warning, in case one of us tried to translate it back into English?

...

 

From this morning's email:

The Irish Blonde

An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland arrived at the casino in Las Vegas. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand dollars in a single roll of the dice. She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm topless." with that, she took off her blouse and bra, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed... "Yes! Yes! I won, I won!" She hugged each of the dealers, picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."

MORAL OF THE STORY . . . . .

Not all Irish are drunks, and not all blondes are dumb but all men are men!

Bin Laden said: China is the only country that can not be provoked: Al Qaeda once sent five terrorists to attack China. The first one was supposed to blow up an overpass, but got lost on the way; the second one was supposed to bomb a bus, but he could not squeeze onto the bus; the third one was supposed to blow up a supermarket, but his bomb was pickpocketed; the fourth one was supposed to bomb a train, but the tickets were sold out; the last one successfully blew up a coal mine, and caused hundreds of casualties. After sneaking back to the Al Qaeda headquarters, six months passed and there were no news reports whatsoever, and Al Qaeda executed him for lying!

Little Johnny got sent to the Principal's office ... again.  Apparently, the answer to "What comes after 69?" is NOT "mouthwash".

It is so hot in Wisconsin:
.....the birds have to use potholders to pull the worms out of the ground.
.....the trees are whistling for the dogs.
.....hot water comes from both taps.
.....you learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron.
.....the temperature drops below 90 F and you feel a little chilly.
.....you discover that in July it only takes two fingers to steer your car.
.....the biggest motorcycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death"?
.....you realize that asphalt has a liquid stage.
.....the potatoes cook underground, all you have to do is pull one out and add butter.
.....the cows are giving evaporated milk.

Little Johnny got sent to the Principal's office ... again.  Apparently, the answer to "What comes after 69?" is NOT "mouthwash".

Why don't women drive faster than 68 miles per hour?
Becuse if they do 69,
They blow a rod!

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Bob says to Mike behind him, 'My
elbow hurts like the dickens!! I guess I'd better see a doctor
Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money,' Mike replies.
There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart . Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's
wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs $10 - A lot cheaper than a doctor.'

So, Bob deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart.
He deposits $10, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample.
He pours the sample into the slot and waits. 10 seconds later, the computer ejects a printout
You have tennis elbow.
Soak your arm in warm water and Epsom salts found onaisle 2. Avoid heavy activity. It will improve in 2 weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart.'

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Bob began wondering if the computer could be fooled.
He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.

Bob hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits $10, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm.. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!
Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart

Have a great day!!!!

which aisle is the lawyer on?

It is so hot in Wisconsin:
...

Ottawa gets realy cold in winter. Last year, it got so cold I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.

AMISH AND THE ELEVATOR


An Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost
everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move
apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, 'What is this, Father?'

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have never seen
anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.'

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat, old lady in a
wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened
and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy
and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up
sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then
the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, 24-year-old blonde stepped
out.

The father said quietly to his son....."Go get your mother"

Last one for tonight..... I promise....

HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.

George Phillips , an elderly man, from Meridian, Mississippi, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?"

He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me.

Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available."

George said, "Okay."

He hung up the phone and counted to 30.

Then he phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot them." and he hung up.

Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"