Jokes from my trashbin

LAWS OF THE NATURAL UNIVERSE

"The fickle finger of fate "

Law of Mechanical Repair:
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch or
you'll have to pee.

Law of the Workshop:
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Law of Probability:
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity
of your act.

Law of the Telephone:
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.

Law of the Alibi:
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the
very next morning you will have a flat tire.Variation Law:
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to
move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

Law of the Bath :
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

Law of Close Encounters:
The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with
someone you don't want to be seen with.

Law of the Result:
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

Law of Biomechanics:
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

Law of the Theatre:
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive
last.

Law of Coffee:
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to
do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
Murphy's Law of Lockers:
If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent
lockers.

Law of Rugs/Carpets:
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor
covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

Law of Location:
No matter where you go, there you are.

Law of Logical Argument:
Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

Brown's Law:
If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

Oliver's Law:
A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Wilson's Law:
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making
it.
Mobile Law:
The one call you manage to answer will be a wrong number, advertising or a
really annoying survey.

15 PIECES OF ADVICE TO BE PASSED ON TO YOUR MUM, YOUR DAUGHTERS OR GRANDDAUGHTERS, NIECES, AUNTS, GIRLFRIENDS, ETC.


1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in nappies.

2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.

3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there.

4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.

5. Go for the younger man. You might as well, they never mature anyway.

6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.
7. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

9. Best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old for it.

10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in Biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.

13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him cheque books.

14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.
15. Sadly, all men are created equal.

We all know Murphy's Law....but do you know O'Toole's Corollary?






























"Murphy was an optimist!"

I want to live my next life backwards.
You start out dead and get that out of the way.
Then you wake up in an old age home feeling better every day.  You get kicked out for being too healthy.  Collect your pension.
When you start work, you get a gold watch on the first day.  You work for 40 years until you are young enough to enjoy your retirement.
You drink alcohol, you party, and you get ready for high school.
You go to primary school, you become a kid, you play. You have no responsibilities, you become a baby, and then....
You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in spa-like conditions; central heating, room service on tap, larger quarters every day, and then...you finish off as an orgasm.
I rest my case.

I hesitate to add this one...I saw it this morning on a business website spouted by some clueless USAnian China basher...and I really do like living here in China and, in general, like most of the people here...and, um, I would probably never use his one myself, but...um, well I do sometimes get tired of hearing the "China has a long history of 5,000 years" thing and the "Do you know how to use chopsicks" thing and...um, this one kind of covers them both...though I would never use it myself, but here goes:

"In 5 thousand years of recorded history, the people of China have learned how to do 2 things: 1. how to carry 2 buckets of s--t with one stick, and 2: how to eat one bucket of s--t with 2 sticks."

What an odd dullard that China bashing chap must be. Obviously he has never tried Chinese food.

What an odd dullard that China bashing chap must be. Obviously he has never tried Chinese food.

I'm sure he thinks he has. Prolly got a bad fortune cookie the day he wrote it.

  "Funny" and "patently unfair" often go hand in hand.

Nine words women use... for the guys, memorize them, they will come
  in handy
 
  1.) Fine : This is the word women use to end an argument when they are
  right and you need to shut up.
 
  2.) Five Minutes : If she is getting dressed, this means a half an
  hour.
  Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five
  more   minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
 
  3.) Nothing : This is the calm before the storm. This means something,
  and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing
  usually end in fine.
 
  4.) Go Ahead : This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
 
  5.) Loud Sigh : This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement
  often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an
  idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and
  arguing   with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)
 
  6.) That's Okay : This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman
  can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard
  before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
 
  7.) Thanks : A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint.
  Just say   you're welcome.
 
  8.) Whatever : Is a women's way of saying *&^%$ YOU!
 
  9.) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement,
  meaning   this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but
  is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking
  'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to #3.

 
This is so true for so many women!

An Australian, an Irishman and a Newfie are in a bar.

They're staring at another man. Suddenly the Irishman says, 'It's
Jesus!

Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint.

Thrilled, they send him over a pint Of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and
a Bottle of Molson Canadian.

Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the
pints slowly, one after another.

After he's finished the drinks, Jesus Approaches the trio.

He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for
the Guinness.

When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement:

My God! The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a miracle! '
Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager.

As he lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock. 'Strewth mate, the bad
back I've had all my life is completely gone! It's a miracle.'

Jesus then approaches the Newfie who knocks over a chair and a table in
trying to get away from the Son of God.

"What's wrong my son?" says Jesus.

The Newfie shouts, 'F**k Off' , I'm on Workers Compensation.

The Witch !!!

Two old men decide they are closing on to their last days and so they decided to have a last night on the town. After a few drinks they end up at a local brothel.

The Madam of the brothel take a look at the two old geezers and whispers to the Manager "Go up to the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll in each bed, they are too old and drunk, I'm not wasting two of my girls on them, they wont know the difference"

The manager does as he is told and the two oldies go upstairs and take of their business.
As they are walking home the first oldie says
"You know, I think my girl was dead!"
"Dead?" says his friend, "Why do you say that?"
"Well, she never moved or made any sound all the time I made love to her"
His friend says
"Could be worse I think, mine was a witch"
"Witch, why the hell would you say that?"
"Well, I was making love to her, kissing her on the neck and I gave her a little bite on her nipples and she farted and flew out of the window"

Men are like toilets: they are either occupied or full of crap. 

Men are like toilets: they are either occupied or full of crap. 

Sometimes both.

Like parking spaces: the best ones are taken, and the rest are handicapped.