Jokes from my trashbin

Okay, time for Christmas jokes ...


Three guys pass away on Christmas Eve and are met by St. Peter.

St. Peter says, "In honor of the season, you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas."

The first man fumbles through his pockets and pulls out two lighters. He holds them up proudly and flicks them on.

"What do they symbolize?" asks St. Peter.

"They're candles!"

"Ah! You may pass through the Pearly Gates."

The second man fumbles through his pockets and pulls out a couple sets of keys. He holds them up proudly and shakes them.

"What do they symbolize?" inquires St. Peter.

"They're bells!"

"Ah! You may pass through the pearly gates!"

The third man fumbles desperately through his pockets, finally pulling out a skimpy pair of silky woman's panties. He holds them up proudly.

Puzzled, St. Peter asks, "What do they symbolize?"

"They're Carol's!"

A woman takes her 18-year-old daughter to the doctor. The doctor says, "Okay, Mrs. Jones, what's the problem?"

The mother says, "It's my daughter Darla, she keeps getting these cravings, she's putting on weight and is sick most mornings."

The doctor gives Darla a good examination then turns to the mother and says, "Well,I don't know how to tell you this but your Darla is pregnant - about 4 months would be my guess."

The mother says, "Pregnant?! She can't be, she has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you Darla?"

Darla says, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man, ever!"

The doctor walked over to the window and just stares out it. About five minutes pass and finally the mother says, "Is there something wrong out there doctor?"

The doctor replies, "No, not really, it's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. I'll be damned if I'm going to miss it this time!"

Top 10 Santa Pick-Up Lines

1. Hey Babe, when was the last time you did it in a sleigh?

2. Wanna see my 12-inch elf?

3. I`ve got something special in the sack for you!

4. Ever make it with a fat guy with a whip?

5. I know when you've been bad or good ... so let's skip the small talk, sister!

6. Some of my best toys run on batteries.

7. Interested in seeing the "North Pole"? (Well, that's what the Mrs. calls it)

8. I see you when you're sleeping ... and you don't wear any underwear, do you?

9. Screw the "nice" list -- I've got you on my "naughty" list!

10. Wanna join the "Mile High" club?

After an excitingly hot 69 position with his wife, Jack remembered he
had a dentist appointment. He was afraid that the dentist would smell
pussy on his breath so he brushed his teeth 7 times, used dental floss
8 times & on top of that gargled 1 liter of Listerine.

As he arrived at the dentist he sucked 2 strong mints. His turn came
up & the dentist told him to take a seat. Feeling confident & relaxed,
Jack  opened his mouth wide. The dentist got close enough & said,
"Man, did you
have 69 before you came here"?  "Why"?  Jack asked, "Does my breath
smell like pussy"?
'


"No" The dentist replied, "Your forehead smells like shit."

This oldy turned up in today's email. Somehow, it struck me as funny this time.

HOW ABOUT THE TRADITIONAL CHRISTMAS CAKE RECIPE:

Christmas Cake Recipe

1 cup of water
1 cup of sugar
4 large brown eggs
2 cups of dried fruit
1 teaspoon of salt
1 cup of brown sugar
Lemon juice
Nuts
1 bottle of whiskey

Sample the whiskey to check for quality. Take a large bowl. Check the whisky again. To be sure it's the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat.

Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar and beat again. Make sure the whiskey is still OK.

Cry another tup. Tune up the mixer. Beat two eggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Mix on the turner. If the fired druit gets stuck in the beaters, pry it goose with a drewscriver.

Sample the whiskey to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Who cares?

Check the whiskey. Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Spoon the sugar or something. Whatever you can find.

Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees.

Don't forget to beat off the turner. Throw the bowl out of the window. Check the whiskey again and go to bed.

KITCHEN WITCH

No. No. NO.....not whiskey - TEQUILA (Raoul's favourite tipple)

Anyway, Cherry Mistmas!! to All

Sam had been in the hectic newspaper business for twenty-five years when he decided that he was sick of the stress and quit his job. He bought 50 acres of land in the middle of Nowhere, Vermont. His place was so isolated that the postman came only once a week and he went to the grocery store about once a month.

After six months of near total isolation, he hears a knock on the door. He opens the door and a big bearded Vermonter is standing there. He says, "Names Enoch...your neighbor from four miles over the ridge. Having a party Saturday...thought you'd like to come."

"Great," replies Sam. "After six months of living like this I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thanks for inviting me."

As Enoch is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you, though, there's gonna be some drinkin'." "Not a problem. After 25 years in the newspaper business, I can drink with the best of them."

Again, as he starts to leave, Enoch stops. "More 'n likely gonna be some fightin', too." Tough crowd, Sam thinks to himself. "Well, I get along with people. Don't worry, I'll be there. Thanks again."

Once again, Enoch turns from the door, "I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too." "Now that is not a problem," Sam says. "I've been up here all alone for six long months. I'll definitely be there.

By the way, what should I wear?"

Enoch stops in the doorway one last time and says... "Whatever you want. Just gonna be the 2 of us there."

Diary of a Dog - Diary of a Cat

EXCERPTS FROM A DOG'S DIARY

Day number 180
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!

Day number 181
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!

Day number 182
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!

EXCERPTS FROM A CAT'S DIARY

DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair ... must try this on their bed.

DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan.

DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.

DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer". More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time...

For my fellow Canuck-Saloonies:
Here is what Jeff Foxworthy has to say about Canadians during a recent appearance at Ceasers in Windsor: 

If your local Dairy Queen is closed from September through May,
You may live in Canada.

If someone in a Home Depot store offers you assistance and they don't work there,
You may live in Canada.

If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you may live in Canada.

If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number,
You may live in Canada.

If 'Vacation' means going anywhere south of Detroit for the weekend,
You may live in Canada.

If you measure distance in hours, you may live in Canada.

If you know several people who have hit a deer more than once,
You may live in Canada.

If you have switched from 'heat' to 'A/C' in the same day and back again,
You may live in Canada.

If you can drive 90 km/hr through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard without flinching, you may live in Canada.

If you install security lights on your house and garage, but leave both unlocked,
You may live in Canada.

If you carry jumper cables in your car and your wife knows how to use them,
You may live in Canada.

If you design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit,
You may live in Canada.

If the speed limit on the highway is 80 km -- you're going 95 and everybody is passing you,
You may live in Canada.

If driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow,
You may live in Canada.

If you know all 4 seasons:
Almost winter, winter, still winter,
And road construction,
You may live in Canada.   

If you have more miles on your snow blower than your car,
You may live in Canada.

If you  find -2 degrees 'a little chilly',
You may live in Canada.


If you  actually understand these jokes, and forward them to all your friends,

You definitely are Canadian and proud to be.
 
 

#1 - yup
#2 - yup
#3 - yup
#4 - yup

 . . .

I guess I'm Canadian (except change Detroit to Buffalo)

Yup, I'm Canadian too. Many of the things Jeff Foxworthy said are true for me too.

If you design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit,
You may live in Canada.

The first time I didn't have to do this was the year we moved to Minnesota. Now, if you live in MN you also have to plan on snowsuits for Halloween, but we lived in an apartment our first year there and decided to limit trick or treating to the building.

so this is apparently for you guys http://www.theglobeandmail.com/news/arts/russell-smith/a-nation-of-language-obsessives-has-roared/article1883391/

Thanks for the link, Piglet. I'm a double spacer myself and the comma issue gave me grief last year in my English writing class. I taught what I thought was correct and my students called me on it. After research I realized that I, as a Canadian who emigrated to the States, was caught between British English style and American English style.

Back when the Earth's crust was still cooling and I was in Elementary School, I was taught to use serial commas.  In middle school when I (sort of) learned to type, I was taught to use a double space after the end of a sentence.  I don't mind if others prefer to skip the extra space and comma, but I usually don't.


As for punctuation and quote marks, all I can say is, "How should I know?".