Jokes from my trashbin

Yeah i was surprised to see the number 10 meal, it was almost a weekly even on my family menu, but i always enjoyed it way more the next day when my mum added scrambled egg.

Maybe not fun but i liked it lol, some times it was a little too close to the stuff in my life back home.

Looking for a rich husband

What am I doing wrong?

Okay, I'm tired of beating around the bush. I'm a beautiful
(spectacularly beautiful) 25 year old girl. I'm articulate and classy.
I'm not from New York. I'm looking to get married to a guy who makes at
least half a million a year. I know how that sounds, but keep in mind
that a million a year is middle class in New York City, so I don't think
I'm overreaching at all.

Are there any guys who make 500K or more on this board? Any wives? Could
you send me some tips? I dated a business man who makes average around
200 - 250. But that's where I seem to hit a roadblock. 250,000 won't get
me to central park west. I know a woman in my yoga class who was married
to an investment banker and lives in Tribeca, and she's not as pretty as
I am, nor is she a great genius. So what is she doing right? How do I
get to her level?

Here are my questions specifically:

- Where do you single rich men hang out? Give me specifics- bars,
restaurants, gyms

-What are you looking for in a mate? Be honest guys, you won't hurt my
feelings

-Is there an age range I should be targeting (I'm 25)?

- Why are some of the women living lavish lifestyles on the upper east
side so plain? I've seen really 'plain jane' boring types who have
nothing to offer married to incredibly wealthy guys. I've seen drop dead
gorgeous girls in singles bars in the east village. What's the story
there?

- Jobs I should look out for? Everyone knows - lawyer, investment
banker, doctor. How much do those guys really make? And where do they
hang out? Where do the hedge fund guys hang out?

- How you decide marriage vs. just a girlfriend? I am looking for
MARRIAGE ONLY

Please hold your insults - I'm putting myself out there in an honest
way. Most beautiful women are superficial; at least I'm being up front
about it. I wouldn't be searching for these kind of guys if I wasn't
able to match them - in looks, culture, sophistication, and keeping a
nice home and hearth.



The answer

Quote:
Dear Pers-431649184:

I read your posting with great interest and have thought meaningfully
about your dilemma. I offer the following analysis of your predicament.
Firstly, I'm not wasting your time, I qualify as a guy who fits your
bill; that is I make more than $500K per year. That said here's how I
see it.

Your offer, from the prospective of a guy like me, is plain and simple a
crappy business deal. Here's why. Cutting through all the B.S., what you
suggest is a simple trade: you bring your looks to the party and I bring
my money. Fine, simple. But here's the rub, your looks will fade and my
money will likely continue into perpetuity...in fact, it is very likely
that my income increases but it is an absolute certainty that you won't
be getting any more beautiful!

So, in economic terms you are a depreciating asset and I am an earning
asset. Not only are you a depreciating asset, your depreciation
accelerates! Let me explain, you're 25 now and will likely stay pretty
hot for the next 5 years, but less so each year. Then the fade begins in
earnest. By 35 stick a fork in you!

So in Wall Street terms, we would call you a trading position, not a buy
and hold...hence the rub...marriage. It doesn't make good business sense
to "buy you" (which is what you're asking) so I'd rather lease. In case
you think I'm being cruel, I would say the following. If my money were
to go away, so would you, so when your beauty fades I need an out. It's
as simple as that. So a deal that makes sense is dating, not marriage.

Separately, I was taught early in my career about efficient markets. So,
I wonder why a girl as "articulate, classy and spectacularly beautiful"
as you has been unable to find your sugar daddy. I find it hard to
believe that if you are as gorgeous as you say you are that the $500K
hasn't found you, if not only for a tryout.

By the way, you could always find a way to make your own money and then
we wouldn't need to have this difficult conversation.

With all that said, I must say you're going about it the right way.
Classic "pump and dump."
I hope this is helpful, and if you want to enter into some sort of
lease, let me know. 

  Best in a long time!

Re 2007 Australian Citizenship Test.

Thought I'd go to an Aussie expert on this one, so Lotus Eater, what is your opinion of No.22? Iv'e heard of sinkin piss, but never inkin piss ; what do you think? Didn't want to pass on the wrong info to an American friend.

I think it is a typo - far as I can see it should be 'sinking' - and that leads to getting para.

Agree with Lotus.
A translation of 22 is drinking beer at a friend's place until you pass out.

 7. "fagged" means tired, they mean "can't be fucked".

Thanks Lotus Eater, Newbs and Mr N. I now only need to clarify 6.b.and c. Believe it or not,I'm an old bushie and should know. Don't want to make a fool of myself in front of the yank friend!

b) You're going home in the back of a ?
c) Fair crack of the ?

You're going home in the back of a divvy van.  A divvy van is slang for divisional van, the kind the cops drive around and put suspects in to take them, not home, but to the nearest police station.  This is often set up as a chant at the cricket, after a few hours consumption of beer had been maintained, and the cops come to arrest someone who has gone a little overboard.  Ahhh, memories.

Fair crack of the whip.  It means to give someone a fair go at something.

Thanks Newbs. I was wrong about the divvy van and I've even been in one! (The result at the the police station was .045 )but the rest of that story is probably better told in the ladies lounge one day.

A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a costume party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a costume company to explain his problem. A few days later he received a parcel with the following note:


Dear Sir,
 Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.



The man thinks this is terrible because they have emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and he receives another parcel and a note, which says:



Dear Sir,
 Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and, with your bald head, you will really look the part.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.



Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head so again he writes the company another nasty letter of complaint. The next day he gets a small parcel and a note which reads:



Dear Sir,

 Please find enclosed a bottle of molasses and a bag of crushed nuts.
Pour the molasses over your bald head, pat on crushed nuts, stick your wooden leg up your arse and go as a caramel apple.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

I don't believe that was a true story.

There was a man who had a problem getting an erection so he goes to the doctor. The doctor takes all kinds of tests and finally decides that he can cure the man.
The doctor tells the man to go home and wait until his wife is asleep, and then to reach down between her legs and get a little love juice on his finger and rub it under his nose, and that this would stimulate his brain and then he would get an erection.
The man takes the doctor's advice and that night after his wife has gone to sleep he reaches down between her legs and gets some of her juice and he rubs it on his upper lip right under his nose.
After a minute or two he starts to feel a tingling between his legs, so he grabs some more juice and rubs it under his nose. The next thing he knows he has a full erection.
He is real excited he wakes up his wife to share in the good news. He wakes her up and says look what I have.
She rolls over and looked at him and says "You wake me up at two in the morning to show me that you have a Bloody Nose???

Thanks for all the emails:

Dear all,

My thanks to all those who have sent me emails this past year........

I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat Poo in the glue
on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that
needs sealing.

Also, I now have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny
Brown); who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the
$15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating
in their special e-mail program .....

Or from the senior bank clerk in Nigeria who wants me to split $7 million
with me for pretending to be a long lost relative of a customer who died intestate.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out
for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water
buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you,

I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward e-mail to
seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca-Cola because it can remove
toilet stains.

I no longer can buy petrol without taking a man along to watch the car so a
serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a
perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number
for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore
and Uzbekistan.

Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown
African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it
bites my bum.

And thanks to your great advice,

I can't even pick up the $20.00 I found dropped in the car park because it
probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to
grab my leg.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70
minutes, a large dove with diarrhoea will land on your head at 5:00pm this
afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you
to grow a hairy hump.

I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next
door neighbour's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician.

By the way....a South American scientist after a lengthy study has
discovered that people with low IQ who have infrequent sexual activity
always read their e-mails with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

Ya got me!!!!  I resemble that (last) remark!!