Jokes from my trashbin

A pregnant mother was in the shower when her 5yrs old daughter said;"Mummy you are getting fat". The mother then reminded her daughter  that Mummy had a little brother or sister for her, growing in her tummy. "I know that", said the little girl," but what is growing in your butt?"

PDS4fan:

'Please ... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?

I was planning a lesson for this Sunday about marriage and "the doghouse". Now I'm wondering, not if I can use your story, but how to do it and keep the job.

A little girl goes to the Barbershop with her father. She stands next to the Barber chair, eating a piece of cake, while her dad gets his hair cut. The Barber says to her "Sweetheart, you're going to get hair on your Twinkie!". She says "Yes I know and I'm going to get boobs too".

Bloke on a road trip with his mate, were caught in a really bad storm. They pulled into a nearby farm and asked if they could spend the night there. The lady who answered the door said, "I'm recently widowed and I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in the house. You are welcome to stay in the shed."
About nine months later, one of the men received a letter from the lady's Lawyer. He contacted his mate: "You remember that good looking widow from the farm that we stayed at?"  Did you get up in the middle of the night and pay her a visit?"  "Yes I did" he replied. "Did you also happen to give her my name instead of yours?" his mate asked. "Yes," he answered sheepishly. "Why do you ask?"
"Well," said his mate, "She just died and left me everything".

 A day at the races:   
Two female teachers took a group of students from grades one, two and three for a field trip to Flemington Racecourse. When it was time to take the children to the toilets, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men’s toilet when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside, helped the little boys with their pants, and began hoisting them up one by one, holding on to their ‘wee-wees’ to direct the flow away from their clothes and shake them dry.

As she lifted one boy up, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring at his equipment the teacher said, ‘You must be in Grade 3?’

‘No ma’am’, he replied. ‘I'm riding Black Caviar in the next race, but I really appreciate your help’.

The Golfer's Wife

Many years ago during my married days, I accidentally overturned my golf cart.

Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out: "Are you okay? What's your name?"

"It's John, and I'm okay, thanks," I replied as I pulled myself out of the twisted cart.

"John," she said, (firm loose breasts undulating beneath her white silky robe) "forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest a while and I'll help you get the cart up later."

"That's mighty nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife would like it."

"Oh, come on now," Elizabeth insisted.

She was so very pretty, very very sexy and very persuasive ... I was weak. "Well okay," I finally agreed but thought to myself, "my wife won't like it."

After a couple of restorative Scotch and waters, I thanked Elizabeth. "I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset. So I'd best go now."

"Don't be silly!" Elizabeth said with a smile, letting her robe fall open slightly. "She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"

"Still under the cart, I guess."

Four ladies meet after 30 years at their high-school reunion. One goes to take food while the other three begin to brag about how successful their sons became.

Number one says her son studied economics, became a banker and is so rich that he gave his best friend a Ferrari.

Number two said her son became a pilot, started his own airline and became so rich that he gave his best friend a jet.

Number three said her son became an engineer, started his own development company and became so rich that he built his best friend a castle.

Then Number four came back with a plate full of food and asked what the buzz was about. They told her they were talking about how successful their sons became and asked her about her son. She said her son is gay and he works in a gay bar.

The other three said she must be very disappointed with her son for not becoming successful. “Oh no!” exclaimed Number four. “He is doing good. Just last week on his birthday he got a Ferrari, a jet and a castle from three of his boyfriends!”

Numbers one, two and three fainted.




   

In a train from London to Manchester, an American passenger was berating the Englishman sitting across from him. "The trouble with you English is that you are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. You think that your stiff upper lip makes you above the rest of us."
"Look at me. I'm me! I have a little Italian in me, a bit of Greek blood, a little Irish and some Spanish blood. What do you say to that?"
The Englishman lowers his newspaper, looks over his glasses and replied, "How very sporting of your mother!"

Lovemaking tips for seniors 

   1.  Wear your glasses to make sure your partner is actually in the bed.
   2. Set the timer for three minutes – in case you doze off in the middle.
   3. Set the mood with lighting. (Turn them all off!)
   4. Make sure you save 000 on your speed dial before you begin.
   5. Write your partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember it.
   6. Use extra Poligrip so your teeth don’t end up under the bed.
   7. Have Panadol ready in case you actually complete the act.
   8. Make all the noise you want … the neighbours are deaf, too.
   9. If it works, call everyone you know with the good news!
  10.  Don't even think about trying it twice. 

Q.  How do you get Holy Water?
 
A. Put some water in a pot on the stove and then boil Hell out of it!

Why men should not write advice columns, especially when answering relationship questions:


Dear John,

I hope you can help me. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the lounge watching TV. My car stalled and about a mile from home it broke down, so I had to walk back to get my husband's help. When I got home I could not believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbour's daughter.

I am 32, my husband is 34 and the neighbour's daughter is 19. We have been married for 10 years. When I confronted him he broke down and admitted they had been having an affair for six months and I'm afraid I'm at my wit's end. Can you please help me?

Sincerely, Sheila

 

Dear Sheila,

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all earth leads. If none of these approaches solve the problem it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors. I hope this helps.

Sincerely, John

Yeah, that advice is incomplete.  There are other possible causes, such as a badly clogged air filter.

A university maths professor and his wife are both 60 years old. One evening the wife comes home and finds a note from her husband that says:

"My dear, now that you are 60 years old, there are some things you no longer do for me. I am at a motel with my 20-year-old student. Don't bother waiting up for me."

He returns home late that night to find a note from his wife:

"You, my dear, are also 60 years old and there are also things I need that you're not giving me. So I am at a hotel with one of your 20-year-old students. Being a maths professor, I'm sure you know that 20 goes into 60 way more than 60 goes into 20. So, don't you wait up for me."

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every day.

One day he told her, "You have been with me through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were there. When we lost the house, you were there. When my health started failing, you were there. You know what?"

"What is it, dear?" she asked.

He responded: "I think you bring me bad luck."

A lady helps her husband install a new computer. Once it is completed, she tells him to select a password – a word that he'll always remember. As the computer asks him to enter his password, he looks at his wife, and with a macho smirk and a wink in his eye, he selects the word ‘Mypenis’.


As he hits ‘enter’, to validate his selection, his wife collapses with laughter and rolls on the floor hysterical.


The computer had replied:

 

TOO SHORT – ACCESS DENIED!