For People Married to Chinese: What are some of the most DIFFICULT problems.

We're doing research for some more projects.  So for those married to Chinese...

What are some of the most difficult problems that you've had.

Food?

Customs?

JUST DIFFICULT.  Arguments that you have.  Issues that never die.  Etc.

THANKS!

Privacy

the Irish idea of what should and shouldn't be told to near strangers (nearly always Chinese people) is very different to my wife's.

Which may or may not make it a cultural difference.

She doesn't quite understand the Jersey attitude. She always thinks I'm angry or yelling when I'm really not.

Also there's misinterpretation of sarcasm. I really need to be more careful what I say and how I say it.

Fozzwaldus, yeah there are times when something comes out and I　ｈａｄｎ＇ｔ　wanted that info to be shared... I hear you on that one.

China matt
That's funny about Jersey attitudes, but I always say that my mother and father in law are always angry... or at least that's what it sounds like when they are all talking in Shanghainese.

Sarcasm...that's an interesting one too.

Trust, which is a key in just about any marriage. The cultural manifestations of that trust (and its absence). Money, for instance. My wife thinks I don't trust her because I give her money and keep some for myself. In her world view, women should handle the money and men should be happy if they're given any to play with. In my family, my father handled the money and the budget. In my first marriage, we did the finances jointly. I took perfectly good care of my own business affairs when I was single. What gives that someone younger than me doesn't trust me with my own money?
Privacy and secrecy, as Fozzy and Magnus point out, is another potentially divisive issue. 

Oh yes, the "trust" and "money" equation. Can cause big problems. Sarcasm is another problem, as are funny sayings from our cultures which don't translate well!

Not married (yet) but we've been living under the same roof for years so it kinda qualifies in the sense that we know each other as maybe a married couple would...

...but for me it's 'selective listening'. The amount of times I have had to say "No, I didn't wash my feet tonight, and I never really have done" (unless necessary). Every night it's the same routine. Same for food I don't like... she doesn't quite get it. I can't fathom this. We're not exactly the same and neither are our cultures, so why on earth go round in circles!? It goes for almost anything, from the music I like to drinking beer. And God the pressure with smoking...!

There is a huge sense that they're looking after you, but boy, if you WANT to do something out of the ordinary (or that simply doesn't fit in with Chinese norms), then it can be a never ending, tiring cycle of dialogue.

Otherwise, they're great!

There's a lot of whining, bitching and screaming but she has put up with it well.

Not married (yet) but we've been living under the same roof for years so it kinda qualifies in the sense that we know each other as maybe a married couple would...

...but for me it's 'selective listening'. The amount of times I have had to say "No, I didn't wash my feet tonight, and I never really have done" (unless necessary). Every night it's the same routine. Same for food I don't like... she doesn't quite get it. I can't fathom this. We're not exactly the same and neither are our cultures, so why on earth go round in circles!? It goes for almost anything, from the music I like to drinking beer. And God the pressure with smoking...!

There is a huge sense that they're looking after you, but boy, if you WANT to do something out of the ordinary (or that simply doesn't fit in with Chinese norms), then it can be a never ending, tiring cycle of dialogue.

Otherwise, they're great!

Sounds very familiar, not for my wife, but for the other expat marriages I've hung around.
The idea of "guanxin ni" "关心你" - or to "look out for you and what's best for you" can seem like a whole lot of nagging from a western point of view. It certainly p'd-off my friends who had to put up with it.

I'm lucky in that respect; my wife lets me alone, which is just as well, cos I don't have a hope in hell of getting her to do what I want!  

So far this is all men talking about their Chinese wives, when I know for a fact that there're a few foreign ladies married to Chinese guys on this forum. I'd be intersted to hear from them!

We celebrated our 10th wedding anniversary last year one lovely April weekend on top of Huangshan sans kids.  It's been an education for both of us no doubt, a cross cultural marriage that is.  There's a lot of BS and bravado on the part of Chinese women.  I will not take any of this crap!!  Likewise, she wont take any of mine!! LOL

It's my birthday today and I go out at 6.00am this morning to find a card and a box of Chocolates .............."all of us love you!"

My mates here say that they are under the microscope constantly  ....... so am I but it dorsn't worry me ....In the Chinese context, this is the purest form of a Chinese woman's love for u.

cheers
wOZfromOZ
   

I feel quite relieved that there are no trust or money issues with my wife (though we'd both like to make more money).

It did take a while to get her to understand that she's not allowed to clean my desk. But she does nag me at least once a month to clean it myself.

I think the hardest part for me is that our relationship is conducted entirely in my second language. I think this is something that I might take for granted if my husband was an English speaker, but since he doesn't speak English I have to spend the vast majority of my day to day life in a Chinese speaking environment. My Chinese is good enough and all, but it is stressful just the same when I can't express myself as precisely or as fluently as I would in my own language. I am sure that the English speaking Chinese husbands and wives of foreigners must feel similarly, but at least for them they have the entire outside world to speak Chinese with (in China anyhow). For me there is literally no break from Chinese and it is mentally exhausting sometimes.

I would like for us to live in the States some point as a family in part so that my husband can have that experience of being the foreigner, and so he'll be pushed to work on his English.

As for cultural differences, my husband and I have been very conscientious about not generalizing Chinese people or foreigners based off of each others' behavior. My husband used to be in the habit of addressing some issue he had with me by using the plural "you," "nimen," when really he was talking about me, and it bugged me. I don't like being the representative for the entire outside world, that's too much responsibility for me. So as for our differences, even if they may stem from culture, we still try to treat them as part of our individual personalities and approach them from that angle. That said we do often talk about Chinese culture versus American culture in general, but we try not to relate to each other in those terms, if that makes sense.

My Chinese husband and I have been married for over 11 year now. Most arguments/difficulties we've had (well, apart from those caused by me ha ha) have arisen from what I call the Three Fs - Family, Face, Finance! His take on these is so different from mine that it is inevitable that we are going to argue about them.

His relationships and ties to his family and friends are VERY different from the ties/relationships between me and my family/friends. Some of the tension is related to finance - as far as I see it, for Chinese people (or at least my husband), being family or friends means that you should be willing to share everything including money. So when his useless, deadbeat friend is in town my husband has to take him for dinner and drinks, paying for everything, and also lends him a few hundred RMB (I say lend but the money never comes back). Now we can afford this, but in the past we couldn't yet he would still do it. Some of it comes down to my husband being a very proud man so it is important to him that he does what is expected of him. I am a realist - if someone genuinely needs my help, and I can do so without it impacting my kids, I will help however I can but  if someone is a deadbeat, why should I fund that!

Another example - when I was in the UK last summer my husband phoned and asked me to buy him a new leather wallet and belt. I knew he had just bought these items for himself so asked why he needed yet more. His reply - when he was home his friend admired his belt and wallet and asked to have them, so he had given them to him!  This is just plain weird to me - if I really liked something a friend owned, I might ask them where they got it and perhaps enlist them to help me buy something similar, but I would never ask them to give it to me.

I think it would also be very interesting if those of you who are married to Chinese partners asked them the same question.  What is the hardest thing about being married to a foreigner?

Both sides of this story would be great.

I too would be interested in hearing about this, but for the sake of a harmonious household, I'll wait for someone else to do the research 

Local Dialect. 
Fascinating.  Thanks for the great information.  I found your site too so I'm interested to hear more about the differences and similarities.

Laowai SaoSao
Thanks for the "THREE F's"... I think that's really interesting.  I also think it's weird that he gives money to deadbeats... I'll share this with my wife and see what she thinks...

wOZfromOZ
You wrote: "In the Chinese context, this is the purest form of a Chinese woman's love for u."  I think this comes from so many years of life together... and for us newbies... it's good to hear from time to time.

Dex
That was funny about washing your feet.  Been there and dealt with that!