What's in the News

If I'm ever killed on a Segway, I think I'll delegate the search for assistance.

If I'm ever killed on a Segway, I think I'll delegate the search for assistance.

That's the problem with the world today.  People are always looking to pass the buck to someone else on flimsy excuses like "I can't do it because I'm dead."


Lister: I know you're dead, Rimmer, don't whinge on about it!

Rimmer: Sorry to be a bore.

Lister: I mean, you're everything you were when you were alive. Same personality. Same everything.

Rimmer: Apart from the minuscule detail that I'm a stiffie.

Lister: Look, Rimmer, death isn't the handicap it used to be in the olden days. It doesn't screw your career up like it used to.

Rimmer: That's what they say, Lister. But if you had two people coming for a job, and one of them was dead, which one would you pick? .

Lister: It depends which was better qualified.

Rimmer: Bull pats! When was the last time you saw a dead newsreader?

Lister: Channel 27 have a hologram reading the news.

Rimmer: Oh, groovy funky Channel 27! Big smegging deal. You livvies hate us deadies.

Mr. Praline: 'Ello, I wish to register a complaint. (The owner does not respond.) Miss?

Owner: What do you mean "miss"?

Mr. Praline: I'm sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint!

Owner: We're closin' for lunch.

Mr. Praline: Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this parrot what I purchased not half an hour ago from this very boutique.

Owner: Oh yes, the, uh, the Norwegian Blue...What's,uh...What's wrong with it?

Mr. Praline: I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. 'E's dead, that's what's wrong with it!

Owner: No, no, 'e's uh,...he's resting.

Mr. Praline: Look, matey, I know a dead parrot when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now.

Owner: No no he's not dead, he's, he's restin'! Remarkable bird, the Norwegian Blue, idn'it, ay? Beautiful plumage!

Mr. Praline: The plumage don't enter into it. It's stone dead.

Owner: Nononono, no, no! 'E's resting!

Mr. Praline: All right then, if he's restin', I'll wake him up! (shouting at the cage) 'Ello, Mister Polly Parrot! I've got a lovely fresh cuttle fish for you if you show...

(owner hits the cage) Owner: There, he moved!

Mr. Praline: No, he didn't, that was you hitting the cage!

Owner: I never!!

Mr. Praline: Yes, you did!

Owner: I never, never did anything...

Mr. Praline: (yelling and hitting the cage repeatedly) 'ELLO POLLY!!!!! Testing! Testing!
Testing! Testing! This is your nine o'clock alarm call! (Takes parrot out of the cage and thumps its head on the counter. Throws it up in the air and watches it plummet to the floor.) Now that's what I call a dead parrot.

Owner: No, no.....No, 'e's stunned!

Mr. Praline: STUNNED?!?

Owner: Yeah! You stunned him, just as he was wakin' up! Norwegian Blues stun easily, major.

Mr. Praline: Um...now look...now look, mate, I've definitely 'ad enough of this. That parrot is definitely deceased, and when I purchased it not 'alf an hour ago, you assured me that its total lack of movement was due to it bein' tired and shagged out following a prolonged squawk.

Owner: Well, he's...he's, ah...probably pining for the fjords.

Mr. Praline: PININ' for the FJORDS?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that?, look, why did he fall flat on his back the moment I got 'im home?

Owner: The Norwegian Blue prefers keepin' on it's back! Remarkable bird, id'nit, squire? Lovely plumage!

Mr. Praline: Look, I took the liberty of examining that parrot when I got it home, and I discovered the only reason that it had been sitting on its perch in the first place was that it had been NAILED there.
(pause)

Owner: Well, o'course it was nailed there! If I hadn't nailed that bird down, it would have nuzzled up to those bars, bent 'em apart with its beak, and VOOM! Feeweeweewee!

Mr. Praline: "VOOM"?!? Mate, this bird wouldn't "voom" if you put four million volts through it! 'E's bleedin' demised!

Owner: No no! 'E's pining!

Mr. Praline: 'E's not pinin'! 'E's passed on! This parrot is no more! He has ceased to be! 'E's expired and gone to meet 'is maker! 'E's a stiff! Bereft of life, 'e rests in peace! If you hadn't nailed 'im to the perch 'e'd be pushing up the daisies! 'Is metabolic processes are now 'istory! 'E's off the twig! 'E's kicked the bucket, 'e's shuffled off 'is mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisibile!! THIS IS AN EX-PARROT!!
(pause)

Owner: Well, I'd better replace it, then. (he takes a quick peek behind the counter) Sorry squire, I've had a look 'round the back of the shop, and uh, we're right out of parrots.

Mr. Praline: I see. I see, I get the picture.

Owner: I got a slug.

(pause)

Mr. Praline: Pray, does it talk?

Owner: Nnnnot really.

Mr. Praline: WELL IT'S HARDLY A BLOODY REPLACEMENT, IS IT?!!???!!?

Owner: N-no, I guess not. (gets ashamed, looks at his feet)

Mr. Praline: Well.

(pause)

Owner: (quietly) D'you.... d'you want to come back to my place?

Mr. Praline: (looks around) Yeah, all right, sure.

50 years ago today, Fred and Wilma and Barney and (hubba    hubba) Betty

I'm still looking for a copy of that episode where, when the guys are out of town, Betty and Wilma decide to explore their secret passion for each other.

Check out the Larry Flint archives.

Larry Flint and Flintstones should never be uttered in the same breath

One is a big fat loud-mouth egotistical ignoramous, the other is Fred

sound familiar?

http://www.nytimes.com/2010/10/02/world/asia/02china.html?_r=1&ref=world

sound familiar?

http://www.nytimes.com/2010/10/02/world/asia/02china.html?_r=1&ref=world

clear as mud   

Many officials are still seeking an end to the National Day Golden Week, but they acknowledge that for now, mandatory holidays may be the only way to give workers time off, given that most companies ignore a law that guarantees workers 15 days of paid vacation a year — to be taken at a time of their choosing.

I didn't realize this was a law.  Just this past weekend I had a conversation comparing American holidays with Chinese ones. I see the 'everyone at the same time' vs 'two weeks at your request and timing' as the main difference.  Wonder when/if Chinese companies will begin following the law.

This is from the advertisement for the college job that I accepted last year - it turned out to be all located in one small room:

Accommodation:  A free private apartment with the below-mentioned modern conveniences: bedroom, living room, bathroom, furniture, bedding, TV set, refrigerator,  washing machine,  DVD player.

We had a bit of a problem fitting the apartment into the room.
                       

What I would really like to see is an advertisement for Foreign Teachers accommodation, similar to this  one offering apartments to Chinese university students:
http://www.chinahush.com/2010/10/06/advertisements-in-university-freshmen-service-handbook/#more-7377 


 

Mario Vargas Llosa...do you know him? I only knew he was an author and from Peru...well, according to the news, he just won the Noble Prize for Literature...

Road accidents kill 1,010 people over China's National Day week

BEIJING, October 8 (Xinhua) -- Road accidents killed 1,010 people in China from October 1 to 7, the National Day break, down by 25.5 percent from the same period last year, the Ministry of Public Security (MPS) announced Friday.

The number of people injured in road accidents during the week was 3,061, a drop of 45.2 percent year on year, said a statement released by the ministry.

A total of 2,653 road accidents were reported during the holiday, down by 41.2 percent, incurring an estimated 11.99 million yuan in direct economic losses, down 37.6 percent.

The statement said traffic was generally stable during, with no major or lasting traffic jams reported.

The MPS traffic management bureau dispatched seven work groups to the Beijing-T Expressway over the break to inspect the traffic situation.

Prior to the holiday, a huge traffic jam that stretched for at least 120 kilometers paralyzed the expressway.

Local traffic police in municipalities and provinces, such as Beijing, Henan, Guangdong, Hainan, Sichuan and Yunnan, all strengthened management in traffic arteries and major tourist routes.

I know there a lot of people in China - but I still find numbers like this scary. It is eqivalent to the entire population of a small town back home in New Zealand.

144   Pleasant point   1100   
145   Te kauwhata   1100   
146   Waikouaiti   1100
147   Maketu           1000   
148   Raetihi           1000   

Mosquito-borne disease outbreaks sicken 38 in S China

As I've mentioned once or trice, since I was at  medical college, I had to research a lot of useless crap relevent information. World wide, the mosquito is the #1 most dangerous animal. Collectively, it kills more humans than all othe animals combined at approx 1M per year.

I made the kids guess which animal (and to confess, I didn't have a clue either)