long distance relationships and all that fun stuff

Have any of you managed to maintain a long distance relationship while abroad in China? I'm wondering whether this is feasible. My boyfriend will be staying in Canada while I intend on going to China for a year (to see if I like it.) He has other obligations and doesn't think it's possible to leave to teach English for a year.

I've read some of your posts and am under the impression that many of you meet your partners while in China.

Any advice would be appreciated.

If you were the kind of couple that can succeed in a long-distance relationship, you wouldn't be choosing a long-distance relationship. It's run its course. Move on. (You already are.)

Zero - You have a good point. I could choose to stay but don't want to do that. Job prospects are not great and China seems like a fascinating place. Lots to learn and meet all sorts of people. Would be great if both of us would go but that's not going to happen.

 Long distance relationships must be hard - exceptions rather than the rule - but doesn't happen? really?

I knew one couple who did that and it seemed to work for them. They paired off at university while doing pre-law studies. Comes graduation, they each got accepted by one good law school, but different ones on opposite sides of Canada. Off they went.

It is possible. I'm inclined to doubt it is going to be easy.

For men, China is more-or-less the happy hunting ground. We get much more attention here, and from younger & prettier women, than we would at home. Also, whores are ubiquitous, cheap, and sometimes attractive.

I'm not sure how the whole situation works out for women. That might be a topic for the Ladies Lounge.

I did the reverse last year, my girlfriend is Chinese and she went to study in Europe. After 2 months I realised that it was doomed if we stayed so far apart so I moved to Europe to be with her for her studies. I'm really glad I did

Not with a China connexion - when I returned to University in the USA, Hubby-to-be stayed home....for 2 1/2 years. 
I must have made enough phone calls to own shares in AT&T and I tried to travel back on every Break I got for a little R&R  
We celebrated our 20th wedding anniversary this Summer

It's not a question of "long-distance relationships" being hard, of themselves. They are, but to know if it will work, you have to look at all the other variables. Chinese have been doing long-term, long-distance separations for many decades, probably centuries, and somehow it works for them, in its own way.

They work when there is a specific, goal-oriented reason for the separation, such as making a living or one or both parties pursuing education. It's best when the separation has a specific beginning and ending point.

In other words, they succeed when the separation is necessary and/or geared toward advancing the family. "Once I finish this PhD in Alabama, I'll get a good job and we can buy a house." Obviously, this suggests that the partners already have a high commitment level, such as being married or at least engaged.

Your statements that "China seems like a fascinating place" and that there is "lots to learn" and that you can "meet all sorts of people" are good reasons to go. But they aren't going to sustain the relationship. And, more to the point, if the relationship had any future, you wouldn't be thinking of leaving in the first place -- not for these reasons, anyway. That's why I say the relationship has run its course. Going to China or not going won't make any difference.

Somewhat subconsciously, China is probably your escape route.

What you say here makes a lot of sense zero.   I know that the world is changing pretty fast and that perhaps it was easier when I was younger, but as I see it, the question remains the same - Can I walk away and leave this person?  We meet lots of  "interesting" people in our lives and some folk make all sorts of reasons(excuses) for getting married. Just take a look around at the number of failed marriages and second and third marriages and poor young children trying to fit into a household with a non Biological parent. I knew, at first meeting, that I had found "my man" and I was on a date with another bloke. We were engaged within months and married a year later. On 17th of this month, my husband has been gone for 23yrs. There have been plenty of men who have tried to date me since and I have never been interested; I won't accept or use anyone to prevent me being on my own. If the "right" man had ever appeared, I would have known. Just know, that life is too short for you not to be really honest with yourself. I really hope that things work out for you.

Long distance relationships work great. i have 4 or 5 myself right now.

It's not a question of "long-distance relationships" being hard, of themselves. They are, but to know if it will work, you have to look at all the other variables. Chinese have been doing long-term, long-distance separations for many decades, probably centuries, and somehow it works for them, in its own way.

They work when there is a specific, goal-oriented reason for the separation, such as making a living or one or both parties pursuing education. It's best when the separation has a specific beginning and ending point.

In other words, they succeed when the separation is necessary and/or geared toward advancing the family. "Once I finish this PhD in Alabama, I'll get a good job and we can buy a house." Obviously, this suggests that the partners already have a high commitment level, such as being married or at least engaged.

Your statements that "China seems like a fascinating place" and that there is "lots to learn" and that you can "meet all sorts of people" are good reasons to go. But they aren't going to sustain the relationship. And, more to the point, if the relationship had any future, you wouldn't be thinking of leaving in the first place -- not for these reasons, anyway. That's why I say the relationship has run its course. Going to China or not going won't make any difference.

Somewhat subconsciously, China is probably your escape route.

This. I was going to write something pretty similar but zero beat me to it.

I think if this was a relationship that was meant to last you wouldn't be contemplating leaving it for an exciting adventure. A couple that is in it for the long haul can wait to have their adventures together.

There's nothing wrong with wanting to come to China, but I wouldn't try and maintain a relationship with your boyfriend while you're here. Agree to see other people and when (if) you get back home, if the feelings are still there you can always give it another go.

Thanks for all of your advice. Many things for me to figure out in the coming weeks/months.

Maybe you need to ditch that zero and get with this hero. Er, zero. Dump that zero and get with this zero ... who's also a hero ... oh, nevermind.

I'm not sure your situation, but as someone with major wanderlust I can totally understand leaving a place without your boyfriend, but still staying together as a couple.

I mean, if you have a passion for travel adventure and he doesn't, it isn't necessarily a game breaker, you just have to figure out how to make it work for you. Admittedly a year IS a long time, and as many of us know China has a way to suck you in for more than a year, but I don't think your doomed before you begin.

I'm fortunate that I didn't have to choose between my husband and China. It took a long time of subtly manipulating convincing him to come, but if he wouldn't come, I would have done the long distance thing too.

So much to ponder! Ahh. So much to sort out! The rest of my life is enough of a challenge.

Zero - i'm kind of a mess but must admit that last post was actually pretty funny.

Am very grateful for all the different perspectives. So much diverse experience out there!

Hey Reesey!


I was in kind of the same situation as you a few months ago. I had a girlfriend back in the US and we both were planning on going to China, except she was going to Shanghai (to make the big bucks as an international school teacher!  ) and me to Dalian as a fake teacher ESL teacher. Anyways, to make a long story short, we ended up pretty much de-facto breaking up. The distance and different experiences/lifestyles we had just exacerabted the fact that we probably were'nt right for each other. We still talk every now and then and are on good terms, but the long distance will quickly make you realize whether or not that is the person for you.

On the bright side however, if you like Asian guys I've seen Western girls do pretty well here